6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Gibson....month 6 can beq a tough one for many of us. Needy...weepy...scared.  in pain....sleepless.  agoraphobic describe my entire month 6 and a good deal of month 7....Hold on...things very often begin to ease in months 7, 8, 9. ...Go one day at a time...use all of your survival tactics...read the success stories....post on BBs as much as you need to...reach out to other BBs with support...keep doing whatever got you this far. Things really do get better..in an up and down and all around way but it gets easier.

....I am sorry that you are suffering...and I know how you are suffering.. sending you thoughts for relief and better days with sunbreaks and windows...coop

[[pe...]]

Judging from what you have said about your past you never felt like this before.

 

Well, there's something about that, Life. I think I have done this very thing before and it was a beast. I have a tendency to burn myself out, to overdo it. This happened to me ten years ago and I had my first ever panic attack. I went to the doctor and he gave me ativan. Now, I don't remember if I took it, how often, how much. Because then I was even more naive than I am now. What I do remember is that after that panic attack and ativan prescription, I had three really difficult years of feeling out of it, anxious, and having a lot of migraines. It wasn't constant, but nearly. After the second year of this, I went to a couple of doctors.

One of them said - you have adrenal fatigue and will get better. But stay away from drugs.

The other doctor said- you have generalized anxiety disorder. You will always be like this. Here's some xanax.

I took the xanax sparingly, a total of maybe 4 pills over the next 9 months.

By the end of the third year, three years after having my first ever panic attack, I had recovered fully. Suddenly I didn't have GAD anymore. I went on to have zero mental health issues, despite lots of life stress for the next 6 years. I believed the doctor who said I had adrenal fatigue and moved on.

Then I got a migraine and the medication landslide began.

 

The way I feel now, is the way I felt then. This time there has been a lot more depression, but I'm guessing that's due to the difference in benzo. That was called adrenal fatigue, this is called benzo withdrawal. But I think the first was really the same. Really, I've done this crap fest twice!

 

Now, if that's true, I am certainly more informed and taking much better care of myself this time around. I have not touched any benzos since my jump. I have not had alcohol for two years. I'm hopeful that makes this recovery different in duration.

It should give me hope that with time it will fizzle away. It did before, right?

 

But it doesn't give me hope. It just leaves me beating myself up for not knowing better when the big drugs came at me. So, me, I'm on that damn carousel with Nova and it's no fun at all.

 

I appreciate all of your encouragement and I feel like such a dolt!

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Coop-

You are a gem. Your post made me smile through the fog and I am grateful. I hope with all my heart that things are better for each of us in three weeks. I had a BIG talk with my husband about whether or not I should resign from this new job and we've decided - fake it til you make it/or they start asking questions- is the way to go. He's convinced I'm a great teacher even at half capacity and I'm hoping he's right. I just have to do what I can and appreciate how quickly the days will pass.

 

You seem to be doing very well and I'm so glad. Those grandkids and their teacher are lucky to have you. Can you imagine if I was their teacher and you were coming to volunteer in my classroom? That would be awesome and hilarious at the same time. Two benzo brains are better than one, right?

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

 

Peace--I really think the structure will be good for you when you go back to school, I can tell the lack of structure is part of my problem right now.

 

Hi guys,

 

Im in a semi window today, not feeling 100%, but definitely more functional.  Still having this awful head pressure, but its a milder version. I hope you are all doing well

 

[[...]]

Hi all!

 

Jenny, such great news!!

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

Good Evening ... a lively Monday here in the group ... was out and about this morning doing a wonderful imitation of "nothing" ... then had a nap ... then did "nothing" some more ... hmm ... I could get used to this ...

 

Interesting how the "doing nothing" distraction takes me out of monitoring symptoms ... they don't go away ... and I "feel" better ...

 

Tried to work up a punch line for how many benzo brains it would take to change a light bulb ... got lost in trying to figure out which light bulb ... gave up ...

 

Have a good evening ...

[[li...]]

Judging from what you have said about your past you never felt like this before.

 

Well, there's something about that, Life. I think I have done this very thing before and it was a beast. I have a tendency to burn myself out, to overdo it. This happened to me ten years ago and I had my first ever panic attack. I went to the doctor and he gave me ativan. Now, I don't remember if I took it, how often, how much. Because then I was even more naive than I am now. What I do remember is that after that panic attack and ativan prescription, I had three really difficult years of feeling out of it, anxious, and having a lot of migraines. It wasn't constant, but nearly. After the second year of this, I went to a couple of doctors.

One of them said - you have adrenal fatigue and will get better. But stay away from drugs.

The other doctor said- you have generalized anxiety disorder. You will always be like this. Here's some xanax.

I took the xanax sparingly, a total of maybe 4 pills over the next 9 months.

By the end of the third year, three years after having my first ever panic attack, I had recovered fully. Suddenly I didn't have GAD anymore. I went on to have zero mental health issues, despite lots of life stress for the next 6 years. I believed the doctor who said I had adrenal fatigue and moved on.

Then I got a migraine and the medication landslide began.

 

The way I feel now, is the way I felt then. This time there has been a lot more depression, but I'm guessing that's due to the difference in benzo. That was called adrenal fatigue, this is called benzo withdrawal. But I think the first was really the same. Really, I've done this crap fest twice!

 

Now, if that's true, I am certainly more informed and taking much better care of myself this time around. I have not touched any benzos since my jump. I have not had alcohol for two years. I'm hopeful that makes this recovery different in duration.

It should give me hope that with time it will fizzle away. It did before, right?

 

But it doesn't give me hope. It just leaves me beating myself up for not knowing better when the big drugs came at me. So, me, I'm on that damn carousel with Nova and it's no fun at all.

 

I appreciate all of your encouragement and I feel like such a dolt!

 

Peace2

 

Fair enough... What you are explaining might be sought of a mental breakdown. I wonder if what we are all going through is a sought of mental breakdown caused by this experience.  I think it applies to me and that is why I went to Rapid Resolution Therapy. I do not trust 100% that this is ALL just reactivation of the neurons. I think there is a PSTD issue with recovery from benzos. In either event, I ask allot of questions of doctors. Guess what? Nervous breakdowns take anywhere from 6 month to 18 months to fully recover. GAD??? I know what you mean but doctors are all to quick to diagnose people. I had a doctor say that I had GAD. Another said I did not -- just anxiety. Another said I was perfectly normal but had external stressors at the time that anyone would be nervous. GAD is a condition it is not an illness. hence you are not burdened with it for life.  Now these days everyone is diagnosed  ADD, Bipolar, Rapid Cycler, depressive etc etc. They label everything. To some patients they find solace in the label but to others it just reinforces that something is wrong with them. I know a lady that truly had MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). To many it would be a life sentence. She questioned it and has not "split" in 12 years now. She goes to a place I attended from time to time called "The Option Institute". This place was great for me as it showed how to question my own misguided beliefs. The power of questions?

 

I read a post on BB that went like this  " Things are bad. I also have Major Depressive Disorder". I feel bad when I here people label themselves because it is a self fulfilling prophesy. Not to downplay depression as it is a brutal condition for which I have suffered but I will not label myself. As far as I know no one has  put a magic  wand in my head that reads everything accurately. Peace, doctors are just guessing. GAD could be Anxiety, Anxiety could be Depression and none have to be a life sentence.

 

I am glad that you shared your experiences. If what happened to you is a nervous breakdown (and I am not saying that is the case) then all I can say is join the club because I think many on BB have many breakdown/PTSD symptoms. The good news is that they are not a life sense.

 

Love,

 

Life

[[li...]]

Peace,

 

Fair enough... What you are explaining might be sought of a mental breakdown. I wonder if what we are all going through is a sought of mental breakdown caused by this experience.  I think it applies to me and that is why I went to Rapid Resolution Therapy. I do not trust 100% that this is ALL just reactivation of the neurons. I think there is a PSTD issue with recovery from benzos. In either event, I ask allot of questions of doctors. Guess what? Nervous breakdowns take anywhere from 6 month to 18 months to fully recover. GAD??? I know what you mean but doctors are all to quick to diagnose people. I had a doctor say that I had GAD. Another said I did not -- just anxiety. Another said I was perfectly normal but had external stressors at the time that anyone would be nervous. GAD is a condition it is not an illness. hence you are not burdened with it for life.  Now these days everyone is diagnosed  ADD, Bipolar, Rapid Cycler, depressive etc etc. They label everything. To some patients they find solace in the label but to others it just reinforces that something is wrong with them. I know a lady that truly had MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder). To many it would be a life sentence. She questioned it and has not "split" in 12 years now. She goes to a place I attended from time to time called "The Option Institute". This place was great for me as it showed how to question my own misguided beliefs. The power of questions?

 

I read a post on BB that went like this  " Things are bad. I also have Major Depressive Disorder". I feel bad when I here people label themselves because it is a self fulfilling prophesy. Not to downplay depression as it is a brutal condition for which I have suffered but I will not label myself. As far as I know no one has  put a magic  wand in my head that reads everything accurately. Peace, doctors are just guessing. GAD could be Anxiety, Anxiety could be Depression and none have to be a life sentence.

 

I am glad that you shared your experiences. If what happened to you is a nervous breakdown (and I am not saying that is the case) then all I can say is join the club because I think many on BB have many breakdown/PTSD symptoms. The good news is that they are not a life sense.

 

Love,

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Peace...teaching/volunteering in the same classroom would be a blast...at least neither one of us would have to ' fake it until you make it ' ....Peace.  ease up on yourself girlie...the Benzo Beast is doing a fine enough job of beating up on your poor self. ...Something I always tell my new first time mommies ( who totally beat up on themselves for not being myth perfect mothers while recovering from childbirth and in the midst of sleep deprivation)....It is only when we know better that it is possible to do better. ....Peace how could you possibly know what is what between 2 different doctors with 2 different appraoaches and several different medications? ..It doesn't sound like you had read the Ashton Manual 10 or so years ago...or had knowledge of benzos ..or the rewsource of BBs.. .IMO you are doing a bang up job with p/w...

......I think we always expect more of oursewlves than others do and are self critical of our work. - think you are going to get through the new job stress...even without benzo w/d there would bound to be new job stress.....You are healing ...The Benzo Beast is blowing smoke at you..coop

[[...]]

Nova, you sound good! Funny about the light bulb! 

 

Hope everyone else is finding relief this evening!!

 

[[pe...]]

Life- I think I've been bitten twice by the benzo beast. I don't think there's a lot more to it, except that I don't take very good care of myself. I don't think I have GAD and I don't know whether or not one panic attack followed by benzo stuff equals a breakdown. That could be true. But what is a breakdown? It's not an idea that scares me. As Paul Simon says, "Break downs come and break downs go. What are you going to do about it? That's what I want to know."

 

I certainly don't feel like my latest run in with benzos was related to a 'break down'. That was kicked off by a migraine.

The truth is I'm just fitting ideas together and trying to understand what happened each of these two times. I can tell you that both times involved benzos and both times my symptoms have been similar… now if this happens a third time in my life and there are no benzos involved - that will be AWFUL and I'll have more information. 

 

I just have to kick along like everyone else and see which way things go.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Life..I couldn't agree more...I definitely itely feel that benzo w/d has left me with PTSD syndrome. I think it began while I was ON the drug. The consequential panics, physical s/x, inability to function in my life for months and the never ending circling and cycling of s/x ...feeling as though I can't find my normal definitely makes me feel more than a little traumatized and that my reality will always operate on a revolving door timer.

....I am sure that I will be looking for a psych soon to help me with tying up loose ends in the second year. I just want to be a good year off so no one tries to suggest psych drugs....ever.

No doubt ...this is a traumatic life event.. coop

[[...]]

Peace and Coop, I sure pray for your relief!!

 

[[He...]]

Peace,

I truly believe you will do better than you think you will once school starts.  A few things to remember: 

  1.  You are almost to the 7th month mark.  I know everyone is different, but from month 6 to month 7 was probably THE WORST time for me during this whole process.  It's a brutal time, but it starts getting better quickly after that. 

  2.  You are starting at a new school.  That is stressful, and would be even without this benzo crap hovering over you. 

  3.  The beginning of the school year always brings added anxiety until things settle into a routine.

  4.  You taught your way through tapering and the first 5 months benzo free! 

  5.  It is unbelievable how well "fake it until you make it" works!!

  6.  All you have to do is get through one thing at a time. 

I think that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.  Teachers have a tough, tough job!  It sounds like you know what you are doing and are good at it.  Trust yourself.  Your auto-pilot can take over, if needed.

From one teacher to another, you've got this. 

[[He...]]

So, I'm being brave and trying something I haven't in over a year:  half-caff coffee. 

 

I drink decaf a lot, but I've been afraid to try caffeine.  I decided that I am tired of being afraid of accidentally getting regular coffee when I order decaf, not to mention that sometimes I just NEED a cup of coffee, so I am going to try adding some in.  I just finished a cup.

 

It's funny how I feel like this is a big step on my healing path!    We'll see how it goes. 

[[...]]

Healing, if it's any consolation, I've had my morning coffee, with caffeine, throughout this process! I've not had any ill effects associated, that I know of!

 

I know some have had issues with it, but I have not! Maybe you won't either!!

 

[[li...]]

So, I'm being brave and trying something I haven't in over a year:  half-caff coffee. 

 

I drink decaf a lot, but I've been afraid to try caffeine.  I decided that I am tired of being afraid of accidentally getting regular coffee when I order decaf, not to mention that sometimes I just NEED a cup of coffee, so I am going to try adding some in.  I just finished a cup.

 

It's funny how I feel like this is a big step on my healing path!    We'll see how it goes.

 

 

Have a sip for me , Healing! 

 

life

[[je...]]

Healing, if it's any consolation, I've had my morning coffee, with caffeine, throughout this process! I've not had any ill effects associated, that I know of!

 

I know some have had issues with it, but I have not! Maybe you won't either!!

 

 

I have done the same thing-- one cup of coffee everyday. Never had a problem with it

[[He...]]

It's all good! No increase in anxiety or jitters.  I am looking forward to having a cup again in the morning!

[[Co...]]

HealingHope...Congratulations!!  COFFEE...if you lived in my city I would take you out for a latte...It is the small pleasures in life that I have missed too and coffee was on the top of my list. I had coffee through my taper and first few months of w/d, but in month 5-7 it increased my s/x. I just started adding a couple of tablespoons of brewed real coffee to my decaf latte without revving my s/x.  ..tomorrow when I have my latte I will be thinking of you getting another piece of your life back. .

.....Thank you HH for supporting us...we raeally need to hear from those who have crossed the one yeár mark.    So happy for you.  Coop

[[Co...]]

Is anyone struggling with headaches? ...I experienced a tough wave in the last 24 hours. It started with fatigue yesterday and morphed into a bad headache by evening.  The headache lasted through the night and I had no sleep.  None. This morning it didn't lift and by then included head pressure. It engaged all of my health fears ( surely a brain stem tumor). Although I will say that even though the health fear/anxiety was insistant I was much more able to manage it....Then late this afternoon it lifted.  Like a switch.. gone.

....I haven't had a wave like this in about 3 weeks.  The good news is that it lasted only about 18 hours as opposed to 3 days. I feel really good again now. 

....If anyone is still getting bad headaches after month 6 can you tell me how they effect you and what you do for them. This was a bigger headache than the dull headache that comes and goes with my head pressure ( which is getting overall better)

....thanks buddies...wishing all a good evening and peaceful sleep tonight. .coop

[[Ha...]]

Funny you mention  this!!! I have had bad Migraine headaches the last few Days also! I take 200mg of ibprofen then wait for two hours and take another 200 it seems to kill em for me bit you write this and I thought I better pipe up! I hit a wave a week ago with heart palps at night no sleep that night been batteling leg pain in my calves and dp and ca this evening.

 

Hang In there coop

[[No...]]

Hi again ... had another 4 hour nap/sleep ... I could get used to this ...

 

No comment on "headaches" ... that one seems to have passed me by ...

 

Life and Peace ... I too have some "thoughts" on illness and healing ... maybe during my "vacation" I can string some of them together ... many of them centre around this "understanding" of community that is developing for me ... nothing coherent yet ... just a lot of angels floating around looking for the head of a pin ...

 

This is another sign of my healing ... I can occasionally actually reflect and semi-coherently express myself ... there is an "expansion" occurring ... during my journey through benzo land these many years ... I have experienced many "a-ha" moments ... bits here and bits there ... and they were always small, unconnected bits ... and they would swirl off ... I used to have a very "useful" brain ... we had a good time together ... had some wonderful "conversations" ... then the drug ...

 

Here is an interesting "reflection" ... even in the midst of the drug I was able to string together enough coherence to recognize I needed to get off the drug ... put it all together after a fashion ... without outside inter-personal support with the exception of the pharmacist who gave me confirmation regarding the safety of my taper plan ... and carried out my "plan" and remain steadfast in my recovery ... this "putting a plan" together was not quick ... took me over a year ... with many benzo events interspersed ... but I "got it" ... maybe the last "gasp" of my brain before withdrawal and recovery ... a good friend got sick ... and we are "waking up" and recovering together ...

 

A comment from another Buddy comes to mind "You are not going crazy ... you are just waking up" ... I am gradually waking up and my brain is still there ... a bit addled and knocked about ... but still there ... a good friend got sick ... and we are "waking up" and recovering together ...

 

Have a good evening ... Good Healing ...

 

 

 

 

[[pe...]]

Derealization! This is what I have almost all the time. I keep saying it feels like I can't wake up but after some reading, I'm pretty sure this is it. Anyone else have this? I've read it's possible with all benzos but likely with klonopin.

 

I need to thank all my lovely friends for their encouragement today! You all came out in force. I'm amazed by how well you can spread your love through words on a page. I'm just not there yet. Your words are a blessing to me. Special thanks to my teacher friends. So blessed that you're on this thread.    HH, so glad you're enjoying some coffee! Little joys make for a happy life.

 

Coop- I've had some headaches throughout this. Big angry headaches. Ibruprophen helped a little bit and accupuncture helped a lot. I hope you get some major relief so you can get some sleep.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got some more sleep ... I could get used to this ... 3:30 AM here ... to all you "real" coffee folks ... I can only use the vapors ... have to stick with my decaf ... something in caffeine still launches me into orbit ... been off it for so long that it may not be helpful for me to try to "used" to it again ...

 

More "planned nothingness" for today ... we are visiting and dropping in on places we enjoy and haven't seen for quite a while ... plant nurseries ... book stores ... funky stores ... Home Depot ... fabric stores .. things that tickle our imaginations ...

 

I can say "that" wave seems to be over ... back to the "nibbles but no bites" stage ...

 

Have a good Tuesday ...