6-12 month thread....

[[dr...]]

Life-I was pretty similar. All hell broke loose around month two.  I'm happy to report while I feel unwell as usual my symptoms have been much less the last 24 hours.  It's weird...I woke up feeling major DP yesterday but very little cycling of head stuff and heart palps  just very minor today. While not thriving I can pass the time like this if I had to. Wonder if my near acute evening was the final blows of that symptom batch. 

 

Sorry nova and jenny are suffering.

[[Fr...]]

Drew,

 

do you have any limericks for today?

 

Lisa

[[li...]]

Life-I was pretty similar. All hell broke loose around month two.  I'm happy to report while I feel unwell as usual my symptoms have been much less the last 24 hours.  It's weird...I woke up feeling major DP yesterday but very little cycling of head stuff and heart palps  just very minor today. While not thriving I can pass the time like this if I had to. Wonder if my near acute evening was the final blows of that symptom batch. 

 

Sorry nova and jenny are suffering.

 

What you are describing to me is turning the corner. Drew these are all good signs. Drew are you saying that your month two was a big window?Just wondering. Mine was now that I look back and the BAM!

 

life

[[...]]

Life, I improved so much during month 2, then back down hill. Improved a lot in month 4!

 

Nova and Free, feel better!

 

Hi Drew and all!

 

[[dr...]]

I'd like to be done with this today....

Keep that damn benzo beast at bay...

Can be tiring...

Also inspiring...

You all make it easier in some way!!

[[Mo...]]

DREWWWWWWWWW...  hahaha.. Love it!

 

Thank you everyone for validating me.  I needed it. 

 

Swimming with the kids now, but will be back later when every one passed out from exhaustion. 

 

MommyR

[[pe...]]

Nice, Drew!

[[Fr...]]

Ah that's nice Drew!!!  Thanks for that uplifting limerick.

 

Lisa

[[je...]]

I'd like to be done with this today....

Keep that damn benzo beast at bay...

Can be tiring...

Also inspiring...

You all make it easier in some way!!

 

Drew 

[[No...]]

Almost midnight here ... slept for almost 6 hours ... woke firing with anxiety ... and feel so dragged out I don't even "want" to post ... sitting here just staring at the screen ... looking for a "connection" ... feeling like "not caring" is frustrating for me ... sad ... suppose this may be "depression" ...

 

Been here before ...

 

This seems to be in my head ...

 

Joni Mitchell – The Circle Game Lyrics

 

Yesterday a child came out to wonder

Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

And tearful at the falling of a star

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons

Skated over ten clear frozen streams

Words like, when you're older, must appease him

And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We're captive on the carousel of time

We can't return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

 

... We're captive on the carousel of time ...

 

and moving through sadness is part of my healing ... lately I seem to be "visiting" a lot of the rooms in my "house" ... memories ...

 

and as Sam Kean once expressed ... there is "fire in my belly" ... I can feel the warmth ... and I feel the warmth of all of you here ...

 

so ... the old guy is going to sit here tonight and wait ... I have my "jar" ready ... waiting for the "dragonfly" ... and that smile of "wonder" is still here ... I feel it creeping over me ... sadness interspersed with love ...

 

[[Pe...]]

Almost midnight here ... slept for almost 6 hours ... woke firing with anxiety ... and feel so dragged out I don't even "want" to post ... sitting here just staring at the screen ... looking for a "connection" ... feeling like "not caring" is frustrating for me ... sad ... suppose this may be "depression" ...

 

Been here before ...

 

This seems to be in my head ...

 

Joni Mitchell – The Circle Game Lyrics

 

Yesterday a child came out to wonder

Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

And tearful at the falling of a star

Then the child moved ten times round the seasons

Skated over ten clear frozen streams

Words like, when you're older, must appease him

And promises of someday make his dreams

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We're captive on the carousel of time

We can't return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

 

... We're captive on the carousel of time ...

 

and moving through sadness is part of my healing ... lately I seem to be "visiting" a lot of the rooms in my "house" ... memories ...

 

and as Sam Kean once expressed ... there is "fire in my belly" ... I can feel the warmth ... and I feel the warmth of all of you here ...

 

so ... the old guy is going to sit here tonight and wait ... I have my "jar" ready ... waiting for the "dragonfly" ... and that smile of "wonder" is still here ... I feel it creeping over me ... sadness interspersed with love ...

 

 

 

Sending some bugs your way, my friend.  Had a turquoise dragonfly land on my wrist today while I was out back string some beads for therapy.  I think it was looking for you......❤️

[[je...]]

Aww Nova, I hope the sadness lifts for you and you start to feel better . I have the sadness today myself, must be something in the air. Thinking of you 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... yep ... something in the air ... I think they call it healing ... a long, slow, teasing and confusing process ... and we are getting better ...

 

Chop wood, carry water ... and blessed Time ...

 

[[He...]]

MommyR,

I love, love, LOVE high heals! I made it back to the reception, but things were starting to get out of hand so we left shortly there after.  I thank you for your words of encouragement regarding my daughters!  I especially needed to hear your words "nothing can replace you, not even time lost to benzos".  Thank you, thank you!  It's funny that you wrote about snuggling because my 13 year old actually wanted me to sleep with her last night.  I jumped at the chance and snuggled right up. Bliss!  It was just what my mommy-heart needed!! 

 

Peace2,

I thank you for your reply! It did my heart good to get the validation that nothing is irreparable and that it IS a blessing that my girls are so bonded to their daddy.  I know that, and I want that for them.  I also realize that teenage girls ARE unique creatures!    There is much ebb and flow.  I think that now as I am feeling again, it can be easy to be too sensitive.  You asked if I have talked with them about this process, and the answer is yes.  Both my husband and I have talked to them at different points about the w/d and recovery.  They seem to have a fairly decent grasp of what has happened and are understanding of my wavy days.

 

Life,

As always, I love what you have to say!  "Re-entry".  That is perfect.  I also used your words today about letting things dissolve.  I could have been PO'ed at my husband for some of his actions last night, but I remembered what you wrote and I let it go.  I chose to react positively and start fresh this morning.  It made for a good day.  I also realize the truth to "words are cheap".  I have to prove that I'm not in that detached place anymore.  I will work on focusing on that and letting go of the little things that make me feel hurt, like not being asked to take the photo booth picture.  Thank you for your wisdom, yet again.   

 

[[...]]

Goo morning all!

 

Nova, so sorry you are feeling down! Healing, healing, healing!

 

I sure hope your dragon fly comes soon! How about I send you a lightening bug, so that it can give light to get out of this tunnel! 

 

Healing is happening for each of us, and I feel so blessed to have each of you!

 

Be well!

 

[[Co...]]

Good morwning 6-12 Buds...

.....sending thoughts for sunbreaks and windows to all...

.Nova.  waiting waiting with you. So sorry for the sadness, it cycles in and out for me too...sending you love...

.....I am holding with a stable baseline of 70-75% better.  My head pressure is much better, though it cycles in and out of the day for brief visits. It is much easier to ignore it now. I did get up this morning with a headache bordering on migraine...Like Nova I am waiting waiting for it to burn off. My pattern of symptomatic mornings and good afternoons is holding up so I expect the headache to leave after an epsome salts hot bath soak...So...holding and looking forward to month 9.

......Our worst days are behind us and our best days are right in front of us.  Wishing a good day to you my dear dear friends.. coop

[[pe...]]

Good morning,

I've got you all in my thoughts and I'm hoping everyone finds a pocket of relief in their day. Chop wood, carry water. I think this all the time.

 

My Gingko trial is doing what it does for me. It's a strange feeling, but better. I feel closer to my normal self but not my normal self. It props me up a bit and brings down all of my symptoms a few notches. The first several days are very uncomfortable for me but then things settle out. Some people have similar experiences and some people have very unpleasant experiences. It seems to be a bit of a gamble, as are all supplements in recovery. I'm not sure how long I'll stay with it, a few weeks or a month.

 

Peace2

 

[[li...]]

Hey 6-12 buddies! 

 

There is a new video posted on the success thread -- Baxter's Video. I found the second video 3 years out really encouraging. The first one is good too. Out of the whole video something struck me. He said the benzo w/d is like a scab that almost heals and gets ripped away again and  and again and leaves a bigger cut only to have it almost healed and then again ripped off. Here is the thing -- the scab does one day just heal. The maddening thing about this process is the constant ripping away of a scab that is almost healed. I know that this is going to make us more patient, thankfull, joy filled people in due time. I must say that I have been feeling this way lately. Today I woke with a bit of a "what do I do with the rest of my day?" attitude. Not allot of energy but definately not a wave. I am just accepting each moment as it comes. If I cannot find anything to distract me then I will just "be present" and find distractions in everything around me.

 

 

Remmember -- "One person thinks they will succeed. Another person thinks they will not. Guess who's right? BOTH! They will both be right!" I accept that God is healing me and I will not let the benzo beast tell me otherwise! 

 

Love to all!

 

Life

[[...]]

Life, you sound wonderful! I love it!

 

We ARE going to succeed!! 

 

:smitten:

[[gi...]]

Just starting my 6th month and need some hope. Developed a huge abysses on me back and had to have a surgical drain. In a lot of pain, should I try a Vicodin? Very leery here, anyway-

right now very weepy, needy, hypochondria, bad sleep, burning arm pit, chest pains, and bad shin pain at night. This is intolerable and it sounds like month 7 will be more of the same. 

[[Mo...]]

Good morning friends, comrades, purple heart recipients...

 

Yes, windows and sunshine and unicorns covered in chocolate fudge brownie treats next to mugs full of coffee that won't cause heart palps! I needed the validation you guys gave me yesterday.  Having a buddy go away is tough if you haven't experienced it.  We are really puling each other thru this recovery.  Thank you all for excepting me.

 

Today I am mad.. ready to put an addendum to my name.. Katniss.  No, I don't think I"m all that, but today I want to thwart this beast and start a revolution.  Yesterday at our friends pool, his mom began to talk to me about some health issues she had and brought her pill bottles out to show me.  One of them she held up and said..'they gave me this to help me sleep'..ATIVAN  .5MG 2X A DAY.  Ugh.. I very calmly said, you must be careful with this.  Only take it occasionally.  It is very addicting. Try tea or a hot bath for sleep but never take this more then twice a week at most.. Then I left and went to Rite Aide to check my blood pressure because her health issues FREAKED ME OUT..HAHAHA.

 

That night things got a bit serious.  The mommy I talked about the other day pm'd me last night.  She was absolutely desperate for help, so the consensus was go into the ER.  There is as moderator I read about on the boards, who said the psych ward saved his life.  I am going to stand by this for mommy.  I know we can be fragile here, so I'm not saying this to scare anybody.  She is at the beginning stages with no one to help and no ability to trust.  I have prayed some how, some way an angel shows up for in the ER.  Even better, God himself stands next to her bed and orchestrates the next few days for her giving wisdom to the Dr's treating her.  She did give me her personal info and later today when I feel a bit braver I will call and check on her.  Not right now.  Just want to snuggle into the group..OK?

 

Gibson.. Please read this. You are way way way ahead of the game.  Read what this person said.  They C/T'd just like you and live in the 100%.  No doctor would help this person, but she made it.  Month 7 was her turn around:  Jaso19 -

 

Dont loose faith ...Its just takes a bit of time to get through this process. Im 100% Healed . I did a C/T in May of 2010 and was off the charts with so many sxs. I was very sick and it was the worst creepiest

time of my life. I didnt have any support group or anyone who knew what was wrong with me.Until my 7th month thats when I found BB... I knew that I was gonna have to fight for my life. I did. It took some time and once I began to beable to walk again I knew that I would get through every single sxs I had.. In time.

 

Life is great again. I can do everything I did before my W/D. I laugh and feel such good feelings again. My god I never though I would be able to say that. Ive been healed for  long time now. I work a full time job .I have 3 kids that need me. I have a job that I work 40 hours a week and Im at the gym 7 days a weeks .Life its gets so good again .

 

Stay focused and stay strong..This will not take you down. You can fight through this. No matter how hard sxs hit you. You will over come this and be so happy and feel so good again.. Joy is returned!

 

Her signature comment:  I was on 20 mil of valuim for alittle over a year..Did a c/t in may of 2010..OMG had 6 trips to ER only to be told I was doing this to myself..I knew better... I have struggled thru this yr in severe C/T had well over 30 sxs and was bedridden..At month 7 had a window that has never truely closed Thank God..I never thought I would ever smile again not ever..But I do and we do heal it just takes that mean word...TIME..Hang in every1 you will be you again...

15 Months Free...Im HEALED! Whoo Hoo

 

HH- SNUGGLE TIME!!!  Oh so happy for you.  So glad you are in a place to receive words and respond to them.  So happy for you.  Smiling Smiling Smiling

 

Nova - Beautiful words.  The dragon fly reminded me of our vaca at the lake.  Lot's of bugs..haha.  There are few I don't hate.  Crickets, fireflies and ummm.. can't thing of anymore.  I am not the girl you want at the campout gazing at the stars.  I will scream because a mosquito bit me and curse the day tents were made.  Back to dragon flies..in Vermont the hubby and I were out on a hobie cat.. It was the only bug free zone except for dragon flies.  Beautiful bugs and full of love.  I know because a few of them decided to use our boat for their honeymoon.    I am going to add some fireflies to your jar.  Look here, look there.  Peaceful and miraculous.  Oh the wonders of nature.  Did you know their larvae glow too??  I'm glad you 6 hours.  Without sleep things can be so much worse. 

 

Jenny - Let me for legal reasons state I am not a DR..haha.  I only speak from experience. Glad you eat healthy because that has you way ahead of me in a normal situation! I saw you on the thread for the ER conversation and I don't want it to affect you.  All of this stuff is chemical.  It isn't real.  Remember that.  Everyone. The skills taught to get thru this process are the same be it situational (life stress) or bio-chemical.  A good way to fight the bad chemicals is to get some good to fire off.  Watching something funny, listening to a happy song.  Being calm and meditating, going for a walk.  It's like muscle memory but brain memory.  It might not seem like nothing is happening but it is.  I have definitely experienced success in vanquishing the beast many times using these skills.  Yes, he comes back, but the goal is victory after victory.  The beast looses his teeth and can only growl loudly.  Did you know in Africa, the loud lions you hear roaring are the old toothless ones?  They have to sound scary because they can't do any real damage.  It's the young silent one's you have to worry about.  The further you get in this process and the more healing that takes place... these waves loose their teeth.  They just do. 

 

Life -  I love when people find videos and stuff.  So good, so good.  Yes, in this situation, what you think matters so much.  Are you still in that amazing window??

 

Peace - When do you start your job?

 

Yay, I have successfully avoided working a website for 2 hours!  Ruh Roh!!! 

 

Hugs... MommyR (Katniss - revolutionary extraordinaire )

[[pe...]]

Here is my bummer post for the day. Last summer I was tapering and I told myself I'd be better in a year. I'm a bit better. Now, I'm in 'recovery' and trying to tell myself I'll be better in a year, but I don't believe it. These slight shades of better are not enough. I need the full deal. I know my work deadline is pushing on my healing deadline. I go back in about 3 weeks. Hoped so hard to be better than this. Does it really get better than this? What makes any of us different from people who take 2-4 years?

 

Humph.

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace, I hear ya! I rewmember posting exactly the same sentiment, " I need more than two good days a month!..I was mad mawed mad...like you I felt like I had played by benzo ' s rules. I took the whole summer off and hunkered down to weather whatever came my way in taper. I devoted the entire summer to tapering with the hope that this summer after 6 months of taper and 6 months of p/w I would have my life back...I started this group at the beginning of month 7 because I was so disillusioned.. p***ed and done done done because the bargain I tried to strike with Benzo Beast fell apart and do did I. I am still mad and find myself making a new deal with the Benzo Beast...90% healing by month 14 and 100% by month 24...Like you I have momentary doubts about this happening and sometimes wonder if I am Benzo Beast 's biggest fool...

....Having said all that...when I look through my journal and when I reeflect on where I was in mon5h 6/7 I can see improvement. Not the improvement I thought would surely happen as I tapered long and careful..educated myself and prepared myself, but so so much better than month 6. ...I am also going back to my grandsons classrooms to volunteer this fall ( certainly not the same pressure and responsibility as teaching...at a new scoop no less). I am uncertain about how it will go, but when I compare it to the attempts I made in month 5 at the end of the school year it is a world of difference. Still not completely my totally 100% connected engaged self.  but my worries are completely different. In May when I went back I was completely d/r d/p and riding panic attacks. At nearly month 8 my worries are more along the lines of physical discomforts ( head pressure.  mild dizziness/ nausea and fatigue). I no longer wonder if I will make it through 3 hours without bolting for the door or having a total panic in front of 23 4th graders....I guess my whole point is that ...I am shaky but feel that I can function ( not with great ease) now at the level of healing that I am at now. Last summer I couldn't get out of bed ..taking the dog out filled me with dread and terror and was my big triumph for the day. I am still worried ( as opposed to full out panicked and agoraphobic) about venturing out...but the worry is more about ' testing the waters ' and less about panic, heart attacks, and losing my mind in Fred Meyers...

...Peace, most likely you will be at a functional place when you have to go back to school.  at least enough to fake it until you make it. You are a wawrrior girl...I think you will channel your grit and make it through. Remember,  others can not tell that we are shaking in our boots internally and having a non-lstop conversation with our s/x as we go about what is in front of us. ..I am willing to bet my membership in this group that you are going to be better in 3 weeks than you are today...probably not 100% .  but a functional better. I just have no doubt that you are going to heal ...I am trying to hold on to the thought for myself that major healing is there by 14 months and 100% by month 24.  As you said in y one of your recent posts, " I am hoping for month 8..if not I will find something else to put my hope in "...it is exactly that grit that is going to get you all the way. Happy to hear that the gingko is easing some of your s/x right now. ..You are going to be ok Peace...you really are such a Mighty Girl...I take courage from your posts every day.....coop

[[Fr...]]

Hi everybody,

 

I'm so happy for those of you who are feeling better and can empathize and feel badly for those of you who are having a rough time.

 

I'm back in some bad waves and not feeling well and not getting my usual windows.  It's perplexing to me why I'm feeling worse.

 

Today I had extreme anxiety in the morning and now awful aching this afternoon.  In spite of that I did grocery shopping and did a bike ride and will do easy yoga and a walk.  I am having trouble sleeping and wake up feeling not so good.

 

I really need some windows here.  Last week I was writing poems, this week struggling to stay afloat.

 

Life---I will look at that Baxter video - thanks for that comment.

 

xo to all,

Lisa 

[[li...]]

Here is my bummer post for the day. Last summer I was tapering and I told myself I'd be better in a year. I'm a bit better. Now, I'm in 'recovery' and trying to tell myself I'll be better in a year, but I don't believe it. These slight shades of better are not enough. I need the full deal. I know my work deadline is pushing on my healing deadline. I go back in about 3 weeks. Hoped so hard to be better than this. Does it really get better than this? What makes any of us different from people who take 2-4 years?

 

Humph.

Peace2

 

Peace, we all have these thoughts of not healing. It always someone else but not me that will heal -- maybe is the thinking? The facts are that the vast majority of BB participants heal in a 14 month timeframe and those that are protracted are very small minority of people that may have had some previous mentel condition. Judging from what you have said about your past you never felt like this before. What we are experiencing by all measures is a traumatic experience. It will pass. People with stokes take about a year to heal. Its so hard to see your victory but it will come. You are a facts based person -- the facts are that you will heal.

 

Mommyr, like always a great post. I like your courage and strength. I am definately in a great window although today I had a bit of the "boredom syndrome" -- whatever that is! I am doing very well though. I'm still thinking about what you PM on. You are a very encouraging poster.

 

coop, I see so much progress by the way you are posting.

 

Nova you have a lions heart and you are well on your way to healing.

 

GMIT, thank you so much for your kind comments.

 

Healing, I am so happy that you are doing well. ENJOY LIFE and the bad will dissolve .

 

Everyone else, we are truly healing. And for those that do not feel like it just  get ticked and beat the crap out of the beast!

 

Life