6-12 month thread....

[[je...]]

Coop-- so glad to hear you are doing better!

Korbe-- great to hear from you, I hope the next few months bring you some relief

[[Co...]]

Korbe.  I was so clueless about how long this would go on. .I was in complete denial and truely believed I would be lucky and be healed at 6 months as I thought of myself as strong and determined.. HA!!!!...( read my intro to this group)    My taper was hard..but my jump had a nice ' delay '. I really had no problem for about 6 weeks post jump...I thought I was home free,...Then from month 2.5 through month 7...acute all the way ( excepting a nice space in month 4 where again I mistakenly thought I was on my way to 'healed '  I had big hopes for month 6.  That is when I started this support group as I was done done done.. but I knew I couldn't reinstate ( I had a 3 day medical reinstatement in month 5 that put me right back into acute).

.....Things are so much betters now...definitely not 100% but definitely livable and doable and functional. I want 100% but I feel like I can at least have a life now as healing continues. Hope I haven't jinxed myself by typing that.

.....It gets better..it really does ..looking forward to months 10-14...never ever ..not once thought it would be this hard...had no idea how strong ( by default)  I could be as I am the world 's wimpiest of girls....Keep it going Korbe...we will cross the year one mile marker together....coop

[[Co...]]

I know Life.  If it were not for the undeniable similarities of s/x and healing in this gruup

.I would have been in er many more times and probably in a psych hospital.. seriously. Life, you have been such an encouragement to all of us. I grabbed on to your addaiction specialist 's prediction of. the ' 8th month turn around ' and never let go. My turn around has been closer to 9 months but I will take it. I am so glad you are feeling so much better...I read all of your posts and take great support from them.

....Happy healing to you Life.  coop

 

[[pe...]]

Coop and Life,

I'm hanging on too. I'm at 6.5, so I'm hoping for my miracle in about 2 months. Holding on to hope and if it doesn't come through in two months, I'll find something else to hold on to.

 

Peace2

[[Co...]]

Peace, you have such grit ( I am still so impressed that you got through an MRI without medication). That is the only way I got through.. finding hand and toeholds on hope. Sometimes a toe hold was all I could find. ..You are definitely going to heal.  Your fierce determination just radiates through your posts...I was so glad for you that your depression eased up. ..Keep thinking about how great next summer is going to be for you...

....sending you thoughts for windows that don't close...love...Coop

[[He...]]

Hi All,

Do any of you feel like you've done irreparable harm to your relationships with your family through this process?  I'm feeling so disconnected with my husband and my daughters lately.  It's like they have become closer and bonded together through my sickness, and I am left out.  I don't know, maybe it's just that my daughters are 13 and 16, and it's normal to pull away from mom. 

I'm taking a short break from a rocking wedding reception right now....had to come home to change out of my high heels and into a pair of flip flops.  I feel weird at this reception because it would be one where I would be drinking and having a great time.  But I'm not.  No drinks for me (I'm too afraid to try), and I feel like it's hard to get into the craziness of the reception.  My girls are grabbing their dad to go out on the dance floor, but not me.  They wanted to take photo booth pictures with dad, not me.  I feel like I'm a nobody.  I just don't know how much is that I was emotionally checked out from the benzos. ??  I'm also feeling at a loss on how to fix it. 

Sorry for the pity party.  It just that my heart hurts right now. 

 

On the positive, the crazy-dance floor-rocking-loud music-lots of people isn't bothering me at all.  I just wish I could get out there and enjoy it like I used to! 

 

OK...back to the party.  Thinking of you all and hoping that you are feeling better.   

 

[[Mo...]]

Hi HealingHope,

I'm so glad you are out and experiencing life.  I remember the first time I was able to be in a 'rocking' environment again, but I do still struggle with movie theaters.  High heels!  So fun

 

I did notice this with my kids too but they are really young and favored me over their dad because I'm mom.  I was checked out for awhile and still notice they like my mom or cousin more then me when they are around. 

 

I did gain ground by snuggling a lot and reading books with them.  I also told my husband what I noticed and so he kind of pointed out when I was not interacting.  Our evening routines are still in a shamble.  I used to have the bath, story, snuggle thing down but it's still a lot of juggling for me.

 

Your daughters are older so I'm not sure how to re-engage but it's fixable.  It could also be perception on your part.  Ask your hubby if it's you or has he bonded more with the girls over this.  Mommies are sooooo important.  Nothing can replace you, not even time lost to the benzo process.

 

My husband used to get his feelings hurt because the kids only wanted me.  Now he gives me a look when the 3 year old wants him.  I just smile.

 

I hope that helps a little.  Have fun and congratulations on being a year out and enjoying yourself!!

 

MommyR

 

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

I'm still struggling-- started last night with adrenaline surges and then jerks. This weird chemical feeling just rushing through my body. I was so restless and just wanted out of my own body. Woke up today feeling the same way. My brain feels inflamed and heavy, I'm so sick of this... Feeling very hopeless at the moment.

[[pe...]]

Jenny-

I'm so sorry you're going through this crap! Argh! I'm wondering if you're open to drinking herbal tea. I would think ginger tea or ginger with chamomile might be soothing, but I understand if you're trying to stay clear of all things herbal. Do warm baths help? Do you have a weighted heatable bag? Weird question, but  sometimes they're full of rice or buckwheat. Changing the sensation might be helpful in alleviating some of the symptoms.

 

Feel better and keep posting,

Peace2

[[pe...]]

HH- I think nothing is irreparable. It will just take time, but I know what you're talking about. I think it's great that your girls are bonded to your husband, what a blessing for all of you. I'm sure some of it is an effect of withdrawal, but some of it is very related to their ages. Teenage girls!

My boys gravitate more to my husband and most of the time I'm still glad for it. I'm still recovering and they can tell which of us has the energy. Sometimes it makes me a little sad but mostly I'm grateful. It was a gradual drifting over to him and I think there will be a gradual drifting back. I think the same is true in your family, but teenage girls! They're unique creatures. But girls always, and I mean always, need their moms. Time. All things take time. You are doing great! I wonder if you've talked to them about your withdrawal and recovery? A therapist told me it's important to let them know what's up- at whatever level is developmentally appropiate.

 

Just my rambling thoughts-

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Coop. Your encouragement and support mean the world to me. I am not suffering as much as others. I am aware that is could and has been worse. It's the relentlessness of feeling unwell that's hard to bear. I'm also adding to the crazy by doing this Gingko trial. It's increase anxiety, but also diminishes some cog fog and head pressure for me. We'll see..... Why I think I can still find a cure for this is beyond me.

 

Hope you're having a great day, Coop!

[[Co...]]

Peace, I am glad to hear that you are not suffering in the way that you were with 24/7 depression. ...I also tried various vitamins, herbs and supplements hoping that SOMETHING would give me relief. For me, they mostly made things worth, but some Buddies report that some things help. It is totally a ' try and see ' endeavor. I also read the article on the Alternative board.  about gingko. ...

....I have taken benadryl a couple of times for anxiety bordering on panic and if dizziness is causing me anxiety I take half of a Bonnie ( over the counter motion sickness remedy...I think the Bonnie is more effective than drammamine...and when my b/p is spiked over 130/ 75 I take 12 mg of atenolol). All of these are effective for me and I only take them when I absolutely have to. I think for me the goal of w/d is to be benzo free not absolutely medication free. All of the medications I mentioned are benzo free. The benadryl gives me a headache and makes me feel hung over so I don't take it unless I feel like I am minutes away from calling 911. I do not notice side effects from the Bonnie or the atenolol.

....Having said all of that... none of these remedies take away the general unwell or anxious feelings that like you,  dogged me until recently. Mostly I just had to accept it and ' let it be ' until I moved through it with time. That is really hard for me as I have always been able to ' do something " to make changes in my life...not so with benzos. I have never had to dot on my hands and be patient for so long in my life. Even the pregnancy with my son and the adoption process of my daughter moved faster than this....

....Peace I think you are doing the best thing possible for yourself with your incredible attitude and your resolve to stay active and busy. You are going to heal...and you are going to be alright...it just feels like time stands still. I honestly believe that you will see some stable perceptable healing in the next 1.5- 2 months...

......I am hoping your sense of unwellness eases up...I am framing my expectations around 80-90% reliable stable healing by 12-14 months with the last bits falling in to place in the 14-24 month time frame. ..hope it goes that way....thinking of you ...love...coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop - you keep inspiring me.  So happy to hear of your progress!  My month six is worse than month five too.  I had more wonderful windows in month five, and more hope.

 

Jenny - I feel the same as you do, locked inside my body.  I am getting weary and losing hope too.  I've been sick from tolerance and now wd for almost 3 years and I'm losing sight of ever feeling good consistently. 

 

Peace - so hard with kids.  I understand how difficult this must be for you.

[[li...]]

Hi All,

Do any of you feel like you've done irreparable harm to your relationships with your family through this process?  I'm feeling so disconnected with my husband and my daughters lately.  It's like they have become closer and bonded together through my sickness, and I am left out.  I don't know, maybe it's just that my daughters are 13 and 16, and it's normal to pull away from mom. 

I'm taking a short break from a rocking wedding reception right now....had to come home to change out of my high heels and into a pair of flip flops.  I feel weird at this reception because it would be one where I would be drinking and having a great time.  But I'm not.  No drinks for me (I'm too afraid to try), and I feel like it's hard to get into the craziness of the reception.  My girls are grabbing their dad to go out on the dance floor, but not me.  They wanted to take photo booth pictures with dad, not me.  I feel like I'm a nobody.  I just don't know how much is that I was emotionally checked out from the benzos. ??  I'm also feeling at a loss on how to fix it. 

Sorry for the pity party.  It just that my heart hurts right now. 

 

On the positive, the crazy-dance floor-rocking-loud music-lots of people isn't bothering me at all.  I just wish I could get out there and enjoy it like I used to! 

 

OK...back to the party.  Thinking of you all and hoping that you are feeling better. 

 

Healing,

 

This is perfectly normal. It is "decompression detox" and "reentry". Have you had a sit down with everyone and tell them what really happened -- not everything but the things you have gone through from a 30,000 foot level? I find that as I am more healed I tend to be a bit distant as I am enjoying my independence. I am much better now. I almost went through a divorce last year on top of everything and my relationship now is much better than ever with my wonderful and caring wife. Here is what fixed everything. These words proved to be invaluable -- Let things dissolve do not resolve. In other words why pick at a scab just let it heal and move one with time? That is do not bring up the issues that exists just prove to them over time that you want to be back in the family and that you are ready. Talk will be cheap to them. In due time all these issues will dissolve and if not there is always time to address them. Just "do it" ( be the mom and wife you want to be now) and understand that they have gone through the temporary loss of their mom and wife. They just want you back. They may not trust it yet with the waves and windows they have experienced. Things will get batter -- much better with time.

 

life

[[Co...]]

Jenny....so sorry you are getting hit with anxiety and had pressure. Peace 's suggestion for weighted heat really helped my head pressure. It didn't make it disappear, but as long as I had the neck wrap on it gave me relief and relaxed my neck muscles. As Peace suggested, it provides a counter sensation.  When it was really bad I would lay down and put one to the back of my neck and another one across my eyes and language' enough to cover both ears. Also the lavender epsome salts bath soaks helped...Head pressure for me was one of my worst s/x . for me it lasted nearly 2 months with the first 3 weeks being the most intense. It had to run its course.  although after the first 3 weeks the intensity changed and it began to cycle rather than holding 24/7...

...You are so close to that 12-14 month mile marker...you are going to get there.  At almost 9 months head pressure seems to be ( knock on wood) my last intense crazy anxiety producing s/x.  Having said that I am still o ly tentatively beginning to trust that things are approaching stable improvement.

......Jenny...wishing you rapid relief from the head pressure...its a tough one...coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... like Jenny I am back/still in the "soup" ... we were out and about a bit this morning ... and the cycle started back up again ... chemical anxiety and the head pressure stuff ... and sleep seems to be "broken" the last few nights ... some here, some there ... not restful ...

 

Ain't going back ... still breathing ... so that means going forward ... sloggin' thru the mud ...

 

BTW ... I accepted going into this that my recovery would take 6 months to 2 years after taper ... not sure where I got this from ... probably from Ashton and the books I read ... or maybe on the back of the maple syrup container ...

 

Well, 9 months down ... a little ways to go yet ...

 

Oh and ... "vacation" doesn't fix side-effects either ... not for me anyway ...

 

Have a good Sunday ...

[[Mo...]]

Good morning everyone,

 

Life- I had never thought of what you said.  Reentry..  That is a great description of things attempting to stabilize and return to normal. 

 

Jenny - I have heard of weighted heat.  I have also heard of weighted blankets.  There was a lady who suffered terribly from burning sensations and she mentioned it easing things.  I have been trolling the boards looking for answers when I hear what you guys are suffering.  I really, really believe based on what I read everyone is going to heal.  I have even seen people saying good-bye because they have graduated off of the board!  Whoa! 

 

Peace - Yay!  The depression has lifted.  That one is difficult. 

 

Sorry my comments are short.  I know how everyone luuuuuuves my long winded replies.  Today I am experiencing migraine, sight disturbance and some cog fog ...feel hung over right now.  Dizzy.  Woke with fear again, but slept until 5am.. too tired to do anything about the fear and feel back asleep.  Woke up with no emotional s/x, then the physical came.  My son and his friends voices are piercing right now.  He had a sleep over.  ME More about ME.. some more ME.. ME ME ME..

 

Peace- you mention the gingko.  I use coffee to help eliminate the fog.  As crazy as it sounds my family is allergic to caffeine, so I use it just a bit, but can't do any stimulant type 'stuff'.. ugh no vocabulary today.  Definitely one of those things I weigh if I am better or worse without it. 

 

Coop- We missed you.  I am so glad you had a long window.  Do you still have the heart palps or is it gone? 

 

Last night I read a post from a lady who is 100%.  She C/T after a year on ativan (I think).  I look for people similar to my timeline because I was on it for a short time.  She was commenting in a thread under C/T withdrawal for a mom who's daughter was only on ativan 10 weeks and is 6.5 months out still experiencing severe symptoms.  The name of the thread is 'only 100% positive comments please'.  Something like that.  This 100% person goes on to say she knew she would be ok in month 7.5 when she could 'WALK AGAIN'.. yikes!  Month 7 was her turn around point.  She now holds a full time 40hr a week job, has 3 kids and works out 7 days a week.  I almost kissed the screen when I read this.    Hovering in healed but 'symptomatic' is confusing.  And I still have struggles with multi-tasking, going to the movies (too stimulating for my CNS), there is other stuff but my mind is foggy right now... oh yeah, cog fog!.. waking up an ready to go.. like making breakfast, etc.  I was going to make a list....  I used to organize the kids stuff when they grew out of a size and moved into a new size.  (While on vaca my aunt and mom thought they would come in and organize my house.. they put all the kids clothes together that I had separated by size and MERGED THEM them put away in places I have no idea..Oi!)  Anyways, here is the 100% ladies awesome comment!  It made me thing of Gibson:

 

Jaso19 -Hi BenzoMomma

 

Dont loose faith ...You or your daughter. Shes going to heal and be so happy and feel so strong and healthy again. Its just takes a bit of time to get through this process. Im 100% Healed . I did a C/T in May of 2010 and was off the charts with so many sxs. I was very sick and it was the worst creepiest

time of my life. I didnt have any support group or anyone who knew what was wrong with me.Until my 7th month thats when I found BB... I knew that I was gonna have to fight for my life. I did. It took some time and once I began to beable to walk again I knew that I would get through every single sxs I had.. In time.

 

Life is great again. I can do everything I did before my W/D. I laugh and feel such good feelings again. My god I never though I would be able to say that. Ive been healed for  long time now. I work a full time job .I have 3 kids that need me. I have a job that I work 40 hours a week and Im at the gym 7 days a weeks .Life its gets so good again .

 

For your daughter....Stay focused and stay strong honey..This will not take you down. You can fight through this. No matter how hard sxs hit you. You will over come this and be so happy and feel so good again.. Joy is returned!

 

Her signature comment:  I was on 20 mil of valuim for alittle over a year..Did a c/t in may of 2010..OMG had 6 trips to ER only to be told I was doing this to myself..I knew better... I have struggled thru this yr in severe C/T had well over 30 sxs and was bedridden..At month 7 had a window that has never truely closed Thank God..I never thought I would ever smile again not ever..But I do and we do heal it just takes that mean word...TIME..Hang in every1 you will be you again...

15 Months Free...Im HEALED! Whoo Hoo

 

______________

 

It might be a good thread to read.  I did.  I only know what helps me.  When this happened to me last year I felt like a broken pencil that had been stapled back together.  Did you ever do that as a kid in school?  My goal is to feel like bone that was broken but even stronger now.  I'm still in my wave and hoping my baseline hasn't been reset.  This has been going for a long time.. Almost 2 weeks.  It's not horrible, but enough.  When I read Jaso19 I figured we are similar with time on meds and kids, etc.  I was always a good survivor able to buckle down in any situation only to show up on the other side better.  That is what I am looking for in this situation. 

 

MommyR

[[Mo...]]

Also, I know I am posting a lot lately.  Please be patient with me.

 

In March, I made a buddy.  We checked in every morning and every night.  If one us was in a wave we'd watch out for the other.  This person had to go offline a few weeks ago for personal reasons and I'm feeling it more then I thought I would. 

 

Thanks,

MommyR

[[Co...]]

Mommy R ...I do love your long posts...I am chatty chatty too..I know people must roll their eyes and think, " oh, god another page long post from coop ..". ...I am just a few weeks behind you ( Dec 3 2014 was my jump) . I am right where you are " healing but symptomatic " ...and it is confusing and frustrating. ...I hope you keep posting to us because your comments are very helpful...and we want to support you all the way through ....I love your humor and forthrightness.

      Thanks for sharing the 100% lady 's post.. so encouraging. 15months.. .we are all so close to that 12-14 month mile marker. .stories of good healing in that time frame will get us over the mark......sending you thoughts for better mornings.  Coop

[[li...]]

Also, I know I am posting a lot lately.  Please be patient with me.

 

In March, I made a buddy.  We checked in every morning and every night.  If one us was in a wave we'd watch out for the other.  This person had to go offline a few weeks ago for personal reasons and I'm feeling it more then I thought I would. 

 

Thanks,

MommyR

 

Your posts are awesome MommyR. Don't stop! I love your attitude.

 

life

[[pe...]]

Nova- The back of the maple syrup container is where I get most of my best benzo information too. (Your comment made me laugh! Thank you.) I'm sorry vacation is not a vacation from symptoms for you. I'm hoping it lightens for you. You certainly deserve a break. I, too have a two year timeline for healing. I'm hoping it ends sooner, but not convinced based on my reading and the way I feel. Thank you for the laugh.

 

MommyR and Coop, I love your long posts. I think you're both so super spectacular in your approach to all this. I'm glad you're both seeing some symptom relief.

 

 

I am feeling unwell and also a sense of gratitude. It's an interesting combination.

I'd post more but I'm being ordered to play mancala.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the encouraging words and advice. I have a rice sock (does that count?) and have been using it quite a lot since my neck is still jacked up--it does help some.  I just took a long bath and did some meditating and it definitely  helped, still feeling agitated though. I think it has to do with hormones, so I will just have to ride it out.  Mommy--I recently lost a buddy too so I know how your feeling, you don't realize how much you need the support until its gone. Hugs to all of you 

[[Fr...]]

Nova- I hope you feel better soon and reach that window again.

 

I get real quiet lately because I'm not feeling well and feel like I've gone backwards.  The depression, anhedonia and overall yuck is makin me feel hopeless. I suppose it's all wd but it's not fun.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

MommyR....missed your question about palps. ..I get an occasional flutter or an infrequent little string of fast beats but nothing at all like what I experienced in month 3. ..When they were worse and freaking me out I went on 12 mg of atenolol and that calmed them down. It took about one week to titrate off the atenolol ( it is not a benzo and I had no side effects on atenolol or while tapering off of it.I had to taper to gently accustome my heart to not having it). ..My palps cleared up nicely.  Because of my experience with palps I don't take any vitamins, herbs or supplements. I just don't know what will happen so I avoid them. ...Are you having palps? ...hope not they can be anxiety producing ...which in turn worsens the palps...so glad to not have them anymore.

.....Happy healing to you ...coop

[[li...]]

Hi all,

 

I was just looking back at my posts and I noticed that from september 19 when I quit to October 5th I had a horrible time off the benzos just  2 weeks off. But from october 3 to november 5 I did basically pretty well... then all hell broke out after that. Did anyone here have a good 2 month only to have things go as they did thereafter ? Just wondering? It weird how these symptoms flair up. I would think I was in acute but felt well for a few weeks? is that normal? I did have something good happen on october 5th that changed my finances for the better. Could that be it? Hmmm?

 

Life