6-12 month thread....

[[dr...]]

Exactly peace!

[[No...]]

Good Day ... broken sleep most of the night ... trolled and posted and jigsawed til I went to Farmer's Market ... napped ...

 

Peace ... got a new "label" ... "the stormy doldrums" ... another oxymoron to add to the "benzo" list ...

 

Have a good Saturday Folks ...

[[Mo...]]

Life, I needed what you said today.

 

Even with all my 100% hours, not being 100% is just that. I woke up this morning after a good nights sleep, yay. I woke up very sick and my mind was burdened with a young lady who had posted yesterday.  She was in the ER.

 

She has bad insurance, no family, 2 small girls and according to her a seemingly unsympathetic husband.  She was ready to check into the psych ward knowing it could mean the loss of that fragile relationship.  Many people spoke up to give her advice, but she pm'd me.  She became allergic to Benzos and is on Librium.  She described the shaking, trembling, and scary intrusive thoughts the rest of us are old friends with.  Her Dr has never heard of the Ashton manual or taper... It goes on and on.

 

She's at the beginning.  We are on the other side. 

 

My new torture is figuring out how to bring people forward.  The burden sat on me like a spindly Jack Skellington.  I sat up in bed recognizing the beast was playing a new card.  Then I did what I always do, tried to shake it unsuccessfully and called my mom.  We laid the burden down the only place I know to go.. God.

 

This stuff is bigger then me.  I only I know where I am and how far I've come.

 

Anyways, I saw your post Life and I laughed and was excited because you made it and I'm going to make and the rest of us will make it because we've come this far.

 

I'm going to stay off the boards today and take my mom to get her toes done.  I'm going to be happy for us because we aren't back there, we are here.  I am going to covet our space and our group.

 

I am going to pray for that young lady and expect an answer for her.  Please, regardless of how you feel today, recognize you have accomplished so much.  Heavy stuff I know..

 

MommyR

[[pa...]]

Does anyone ever have periods where you feel better than normal... as in an intoxicated feeling and sort of manic and euphoric?  It's been happening to me the last week but only lasts a few hours.  I feel like that right now.  It feels good, but it also feels artificial.  I'm not complaining, but it's odd.  Maybe as things start to adjust back to normal the "good feeling" receptors are also hypersensitive if that even makes any sense.

 

This morning, I've already vacuumed, folded laundry, moved my bed and placed a huge 6 x 9 rug under it (by myself), unloaded the dishwasher, and took apart my HEPA filter and vacuumed the filter. And I'm sick!  I feel a little manic, and I've never had any history of that.

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks, MommyR for offering perspective. There definitely are shades in the darkness.

 

I am distressed by feeling like my brain won't wake up. I call it cognitive fog, but not really sure. Can any of you speak to this? This feeling of being slightly under water, partially asleep, thinking through swamp water? I just can't wake up. Snap out of it, but I feel like I should be able to.

 

Thanks.

[[dr...]]

Yes paper boat, I once in awhile get a euphoric feeling for a few hours and then I crash. Like you I clean my house

 

I have to stay away from most of the other areas.  While I want to help people it is too overwhelming to me.  I read that thread and it was tough. The suffering around here is immense.

 

Yes, we all have come far and I often ask myself if I feel better off the drugs.  I'm not sure but I know I don't feel any worse.  So if all things being equal there is no reason for me ever to take one again. The difference being before if I had anxiety I could pop a pill and get some relief. No more escape hatch for me.  I'm now using all the tools I've learned to relax the brain and body. I don't fear the symptoms or panic. It can be scary when the brain goes haywire I have to trust the process. The process that our brains know what to do.  That part of my journey can be hard but what choice do I have except to believe.

Feeling a bit better today. Slept 8 hours as I took unisom for the first time in a long while. I have a bit of cog fog this am. So to answer your question Peace, I get this often.  I find just powering through whatever I have to do helps alleviate it. Very annoying but what isn't with this debacle.

 

Hope everyone is healing well today.

 

Drew

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Drew. I feel like I have it constantly! I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly seems that way. There were a couple of times on my trip when I felt clear. Each time I would announce it to my husband. I have to tag those experiences and have a witness, otherwise I'd never believe they happened because this underwater feeling has been with me near constantly for almost two years!

 

Peace2

[[pe...]]

Good Advice:

 

 

One thing I found really helpful was writing about my window when I was in one....especially in the days when it was only for an hour or a day. ANd that way when it ended I could read about the window and know I wasn't crazy, that I really had a window and not imagining it. It helped me to hold on to the fact that they were possible, Because when everything hurts so bad, you feel like it wil never be possible again and you are broken forever. You are not! I promise.  Even protracted people eventually heal. We all heal. This is not permanent. It has an end date.

 

Alabama.xoxo

[[li...]]

Does anyone ever have periods where you feel better than normal... as in an intoxicated feeling and sort of manic and euphoric?  It's been happening to me the last week but only lasts a few hours.  I feel like that right now.  It feels good, but it also feels artificial.  I'm not complaining, but it's odd.  Maybe as things start to adjust back to normal the "good feeling" receptors are also hypersensitive if that even makes any sense.

 

This morning, I've already vacuumed, folded laundry, moved my bed and placed a huge 6 x 9 rug under it (by myself), unloaded the dishwasher, and took apart my HEPA filter and vacuumed the filter. And I'm sick!  I feel a little manic, and I've never had any history of that.

 

If you take someone and stick their head under water and then you have that same head above water after almost drowning -- the brain gets euphoric as it is breathing again. It a pretty nice experience. this will all balance out a the brain gets used to being above water and its a good sign. It is not artificial -- its just plain joy for being able to breath.

 

life

[[Fr...]]

Paperboat -

 

Yes I have had those experiences.  Wow they are wonderful when they happen.  I haven't had as wonderful windows lately.  Enjoy them.

 

 

[[gi...]]

Just entering my 6th month and feel like its the first. Total waves all day now, cant work, lost 20 pounds, in bed most days and losing the fight. The battle is raging and I am going down. Reading this thread is totally depressing but now i know what i am up against. This is a life changing event and no other sickness can compare to this. I pray every second to regain my health, god help us all.

[[dr...]]

Gibson-I'm sorry your suffering so much. I actually don't find this thread depressing. While we are suffering, most ahead of me if not all have seen improvement. Also most people who heal and feel good don't post.  I know I post more when I feel like crap.

[[Mo...]]

Just entering my 6th month and feel like its the first. Total waves all day now, cant work, lost 20 pounds, in bed most days and losing the fight. The battle is raging and I am going down. Reading this thread is totally depressing but now i know what i am up against. This is a life changing event and no other sickness can compare to this. I pray every second to regain my health, god help us all.

 

Gibson...whoa!!  You cold turkey'd???  Ouch!  I think you are the first person I have heard of doing that. 

 

Yeah, I don't doubt you are in a world of pain.  When reading these posts try to remember people come on when they need help.  The good stuff sometimes just gets a blip because we want to get out and enjoy it. 

 

Seriously, I am impressssd you are 6 months out. I hear grit in your words.  You must be one tough cookie.  Knowledge is power with this process.  If it helps I'm in a wave 4 out if 10 on the Ick scale but I'm also having a great day if you can imagine..drinking soda, eating chips, watching movies and my 7 year old just planned a slumber party for tonite. 

 

Curious why no taper?

 

MommyR

 

 

 

[[li...]]

Just entering my 6th month and feel like its the first. Total waves all day now, cant work, lost 20 pounds, in bed most days and losing the fight. The battle is raging and I am going down. Reading this thread is totally depressing but now i know what i am up against. This is a life changing event and no other sickness can compare to this. I pray every second to regain my health, god help us all.

 

Gibson, you have come to the right place. Allot of healing takes place between months 6 and 12. I felt many of the symptoms you have felt in month 6 and I am soooo much better. Everyone here is healing allot in my opinion. I know it is a slow process. We still struggle but we are here for each other. i know you are entering a great time of healing.

 

life

[[pa...]]

Hey Gibson, sorry it's so bad, but it does get better.  If your signature is correct and you c/t's on March 1, then you've been off 4 months and 25 days.  This means you could still be in the acute phase and you might see some relief in a few more weeks.  I hope so.

 

Hang in there.

[[Ko...]]

Hi 6-12 Buddies,

 

I haven't posted for awhile because my waves are so bad I just can't. I do try to keep up with all your posts to see how you're healing. It appears we are all suffering still in various degrees. I think I've finally decided that there is no rhyme or reason to Benzo recovery.  Each of us will heal at our own timeline. I thought for sure I'd begin to feel better in month 6, but no I just kept getting worse as I progressed.  Today is the last day of month 8 for me and I thought the 8th month was supposed to begin healing with more windows etc. Instead it has been the worst one yet, with symptoms rarely yielding and getting more intense.  I did have one 8 hr window, which gave me hope.  I did notice a new change though, I felt depressed. I haven't had much depression, but now it seems to appear on days I get no relief & no sleep.  Many of you have talked about depression and that tells me it's just another side effect. 

 

I appreciate your posts and wish you all more windows & a faster recovery.  I am looking forward to month 9 with hope for some improvement.

 

Korbe

[[No...]]

Korbe ... please remember ... even though it is very rough for you right now you are getting better ... soon you will be feeling the healing more and more ... hang on ... Time is on our side ...

[[dr...]]

Paper boat or anyone-I thought acute was about two months?

[[No...]]

Drew ... as with all of this ... there does not seem to be any firm "timelines" ... for myself ... when I finished my taper I had a few weeks of just the "doldrums" before acute set in ... and it took several weeks for it to end ...

[[dr...]]

Nova-are you telling me there are no timelines?!!!  Omg!  I thought I was following the schedule

 

If only we had timelines.  Yeah...I too got hit pretty hard a bit before month two ended. That was my acute. 

 

On a benzo is weird note....I woke up with terrible DP today. I just powered through my morning and kept telling myself this feeling is harmless and not to fight it. I felt sort of stoned. I did force myself to jog for three miles and it helped a bit. I also meditated for thirty minutes four times today. My DP is much less in the afternoon here and more importantly....I had no cement head or weird cycling yet!!!  I don't want the beast to notice he forgot to deliver those to me today so shhhh!  Very weird how I've had them over a month straight and none yet today.  See if I make the evening. Another day in benzoland!

[[Co...]]

Well...I am 4 pages behind again...I took a little break because my window a few days ago was so free of all s/x and my energy was good so I was busy enjoying my life. My windows,usually do not last longer than 24 hours.  The following day started out in my now consistent pattern of iffy mornings and afternoons at a solid 70-75%....I am still seeing my best improvement on my baseline. It is a fairly reliable 70-75% also. Many of my s/x are reducing and some are falling off. In the mornings I have cycling s/x of head pressure ( though not nearly as intense as in months 6-7.5). ..some mild to moderate depression with fleeting intrusive thoughts.. mild d/r d/p....mild nausea frwom time to time.  By afternoon most of these have burned off.  I can pretty much count on this pattern. I am living my life. Yes, sometimes through d/p or light cog fog...but I am functioning.. I am out of bed evfery day.  It has been weeks since I have had intense anxiety/ panic. ...In month 6 I would have called this a window. I am expecting to have more healing by month 10-14 and the complete healing between months 14-24. ...Of course we all know where expectations take us with benzo recovery.

.....As I am getting ready to begin month 9 I can honestly say that my turn around was right at month 8.5. It was not dramatic..in fact I had more windows in month 4. However when I look back through my journal I can see gradual circular but consistent improvement. I believe my acute phase was actually months 2.5- 8.5. ...Month 6 was a tough month ( what is it with month 6...so many of us hit a wall at month 6). ....I was so thankful for HealingHope 's post a few days ago....she is feeling very good at a year off....I really believe all of will be so much better by months 12-14. ...For me, all of a sudden my s/x are not filling every thought space in my head. I am aware of thinking about other things..without the competing benzo voice. Like Nova describes, I am aware of my s/x but not constantly ' listening ' for them or scanning for incoming fear anxiety and impending doom. This is huge for me as health fear has dogged me from day one...including..and even worse while ON benzos. I will probably do some follow up therapy for health fear as I feel that it is nearly like a PTSD effect from benzos and benzo recovery...however in a full open bright window I have at the most fleeting health fear.

......It seems as though we are all in a similar space...cycling s/x ..momentary to day long windows and gradual but ongoing improvement.  ...It is only with your support and presence in the group that I see myself getting through the next 4 months. Thank you to every one of you for being here .. coip

[[Co...]]

Korbe...we are just a day apart in our jump dates. I jumped on Dec 3...I also thought month 6 was going to be a big turn around for me.  instead it was one of my worst months...that alone was so disappointing that I think the expectation and ensuing disappointment actually set me back. ...HealingHope posted a few days back.  wonderfully supportive hopeful post on where she is at one year off....she clearly states that months 8,9, and 10 saw her best healing...I read her post every day.

...Bold on Korbe ...as Nova says.." time is on our side ". We have come so far ..as Life says, " we are closer to the exit ( of the w/d cave) than we are to the entrance. ". ...and I believe our worst days are behind us and our best days are right I. front of us.

...Things are going to get better Korbe.  Keep it going one day at a time.  Wishing you sunbreaks and windows..  coop

[[dr...]]

Wonderful to read coop!    I suffer from health fear too which was made way worse in benzoland. When I'm in a window it fades drastically so I'm hoping it mostly goes w the recovery.

[[Ko...]]

Thanks for the positive posts.  I know I will get better, I'm just impatient .  I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope for a window or two to keep me going.  What else can we do, we've come so far.

 

Did any of you know when you started your taper that withdrawal would last this long?  I had no idea. Some how I missed that part in the Ashton Manual or just chose to ignore it.  I didn't find a Benzo Buddies until late in my taper.  It's unbelievable that it takes soooooo long.  My friends call to see if I'm better and when I tell them no they can't believe it.  Some think there must be something else wrong, but some are accepting and just tell me to hang in there.

 

Korbe

[[li...]]

Well...I am 4 pages behind again...I took a little break because my window a few days ago was so free of all s/x and my energy was good so I was busy enjoying my life. My windows,usually do not last longer than 24 hours.  The following day started out in my now consistent pattern of iffy mornings and afternoons at a solid 70-75%....I am still seeing my best improvement on my baseline. It is a fairly reliable 70-75% also. Many of my s/x are reducing and some are falling off. In the mornings I have cycling s/x of head pressure ( though not nearly as intense as in months 6-7.5). ..some mild to moderate depression with fleeting intrusive thoughts.. mild d/r d/p....mild nausea frwom time to time.  By afternoon most of these have burned off.  I can pretty much count on this pattern. I am living my life. Yes, sometimes through d/p or light cog fog...but I am functioning.. I am out of bed evfery day.  It has been weeks since I have had intense anxiety/ panic. ...In month 6 I would have called this a window. I am expecting to have more healing by month 10-14 and the complete healing between months 14-24. ...Of course we all know where expectations take us with benzo recovery.

.....As I am getting ready to begin month 9 I can honestly say that my turn around was right at month 8.5. It was not dramatic..in fact I had more windows in month 4. However when I look back through my journal I can see gradual circular but consistent improvement. I believe my acute phase was actually months 2.5- 8.5. ...Month 6 was a tough month ( what is it with month 6...so many of us hit a wall at month 6). ....I was so thankful for HealingHope 's post a few days ago....she is feeling very good at a year off....I really believe all of will be so much better by months 12-14. ...For me, all of a sudden my s/x are not filling every thought space in my head. I am aware of thinking about other things..without the competing benzo voice. Like Nova describes, I am aware of my s/x but not constantly ' listening ' for them or scanning for incoming fear anxiety and impending doom. This is huge for me as health fear has dogged me from day one...including..and even worse while ON benzos. I will probably do some follow up therapy for health fear as I feel that it is nearly like a PTSD effect from benzos and benzo recovery...however in a full open bright window I have at the most fleeting health fear.

......It seems as though we are all in a similar space...cycling s/x ..momentary to day long windows and gradual but ongoing improvement.  ...It is only with your support and presence in the group that I see myself getting through the next 4 months. Thank you to every one of you for being here .. coip

 

 

Coop,

 

Welcome back coop. Wow this is really scary -- your description of timelines of healing are identical to mine. Interesting stuff. I had a great window in month 3 not 4 though. I am so happy you are feeling much better!

 

life