6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Gary - you give me hope - I'll take less severe right now.  Today is severe.  I thought it was going to lift and it did for about 20 minutes but came right back.  What did turning a corner feel like?

 

Lisa

I THINK that each time you turn a corner, you don't know it until later. That has been true for every little victory.

 

The reason, I think, is because of the cycling. One thing that helps is a blog, writing there every day, being very complete about what each day feels like. I do most of this offline, on my computer. I can go back 6 months and a year.

 

Stress for me sets off waves. I think it does for all of us. Each time something happens I feel like I am back to zero, and I panic. Or get pissed. Both.

 

It happened this week because of a printer. It took me several days to fix the problem, and it is crucial to my work. I started to shake, lost sleep, couldn't think, could not stop the OCD-like thoughts. I've never been OCD, so this is new. I get stuck in thinking ruts, and stupid things loop. It is worse when I am at home, with nothing to do. It gets insane both before going to sleep and during sleep, because it can start in dreams, wake me up, and then it goes nuts.

 

One quick example: Dreaming, I was in a game with about 9 people on each side of a net, like volleyball, but we all had rackets, so it was like badminton. (I also watch a lot of tennis.) During just one point there was an endless volley, people smashing, digging it out, always continuing, and I don't know if this went on for 50 or 100 or 200 strokes. It was becoming more and more stressful, and it woke me up. But I could not close my eyelids, because the point would restart. It was like being on acid, and I don't TAKE acid.

 

This must have happened a thousand times in the last year, weird dreams. Another common dream is practicing a couple measures of music that I have not worked on in decades, and I continue trying to work it out for hours.

 

This is bizarre benzo-withdrawal crap.

 

That's what I mean by OCD-like. Things start, and you can't turn them off.

 

Well, with the printer thing I kept looping about how to fix the problem, and I was miserable. I threw up a couple times.

 

But a day later I'm fine. The printer is fixed. Months ago it took me way longer to recover. So I think over time the waves are over quicker, and maybe they are not quite so big.

 

Windows, I think, are more subtle, because I'm not quite so miserable with waves.

 

To see progress I have to read about 6 months ago, or a year ago, then the healing is obvious.

 

Often I don't want to even walk at night, because I will be sitting here, feeling very lazy, and I am relaxed. The exercise still makes me feel way better, but I am not pushed to do it.

 

A year ago I HAD to do the walking and running. I would start to feel like I was going crazy, every night, and it was the only thing that would calm it down.

 

You will also see people in their first few months writing about 100 messages a day, like the only thing they do is write in BB. Well, that's withdrawal. It comes from being amped up, and you end up typing to keep from going completely mad.

 

So it does get better, over time. A year ago I did not believe that.

 

Gary

[[Mo...]]

Just a bit of what some of you may be in for in the not to distant future. So today I was going at 120% and I incurred allot of stress. This stress put me in a tough place. Here is what I am seeing that is different -  This stress will not put me in a wave. That is 100% victory. So does that mean that I am healed? I am not ready to say that at all. I am just saying that as I look back a few months I can see that any amount of stress would immediately cause a wave -- now it does not cause waves. That to me is monumental victory as I would avoid doing things just two months ago. I am convinced that there is a definitely a healing pattern going on in this thread. I can almost see the improvement but it comes in the subtle form of a little word here and there in all posts. Healing can not be measured day by day but only through the prism of a few months and time. It seems to be ever so subtle for me.

 

Life

 

Ummmm...WOW!!  That is really wonderful news Life.  Yes, lots of moving up in everyone's posts.  Even those who are struggling right now. 

[[pa...]]

 

Another common dream is practicing a couple measures of music that I have not worked on in decades, and I continue trying to work it out for hours.

 

Gaer, this is interesting.  I used to play the saxophone and clarinet in high school.  Since quiting klonopin 6 months ago, I find that I will start doing the fingerings for different pieces of music I used to practice back in high school.  I used to practice this way to kill time (making my fingers move to the correct positions without actually using the instrument).  This was 25 years ago and I haven't played or thought about those pieces in that long.  What do you think that's all about?  Do you think some long asleep portion of my brain woke up?

[[Fr...]]

GMIT - I don't know if I've turned any corners.  At first a few weeks back I thought I had but now I've backslid.  I keep a daily log on my day planner of what days have what hours of windows and waves.  In early June, I had a good long stretch of decent days then they stopped and things are worse now.

 

MommyR - yes I don't eat any sugar, no coffee or caffeine at all, only clean foods and I do walk or bike every day.

 

Gary - I think I do see improvements but things are still pretty bad and different so it's hard to tell.

 

For instance in the second month things got worse.  I remember traveling to Arizona to vacation with our sons for a bit and I was soooo sick.  All I could do was sit by the pool in a lounge chair every day, all day and do crosswords, but I did have a few window days mixed in there for good measure.  I did crosswords because of the chemical anxiety.  I don't do crosswords anymore.  I had one night that my body was so clenched up I thought I would die - just lay there.  And one night I didn't sleep at all and could barely move in the morning.  Showering was hard.  My husband pushed me to walk a bit each day.

 

Then back at home, I remember my hips hurting so bad one day I could barely walk up and down the stairs.  And then days when pain or dp / dr was beyond.  I couldn't see myself in a mirror. 

 

So yeah.  Today severe depression and anxiety and the feeling that my head is enlarged inside - so awful to comprehend.

 

I guess if improvements have occurred, more will continue to happen.

 

Keep us posted on your improvements.  It sound like you've come a long way since you can deal better with stressors and the waves are shorter.

 

Lisa

[[dr...]]

I'm just amazed that "healing" is taking place as my head goes into this cement head/confused states five or six times a day for at least an hour per time. 

[[je...]]

I'm just amazed that "healing" is taking place as my head goes into this cement head/confused states five or six times a day for at least an hour per time.

 

 

I know! Wouldn't you just love to know what is going on in there?!!! I have it right now too-- my head feels 100 pounds ugh...

[[he...]]

I'm 13 months out going on 14 and my social anxiety is still horribal. I react with panic attacks when I eat anything stimulating unless I'm in a window then it's an uncomfortable feeling. My windows are not symptom free just a lot less air hunger and other symptoms decrease. Seems very connected to my hormones. Especially right after period till ovulation. When does this all let up? Especially the social anxiety.  I also take magnesium throughout the day to keep my body relaxed a little. It helps but doesn't make anything go away completely. Could someone give me some hope out here. Is it possible for this to just stop? Cause at the rate I'm healing I will be healing for at least 3 years. It's going so slow. 

[[be...]]

Hi all,

Looks like a lot of healing going on here. Happy to report my waves are better, less intense and not as long-lasting. I went into a wave Wednesday and came out of it on Thursday, so far so good.

For the first time in a year I am able to shower. I have had to bathe because I was to boaty and was afraid I would fall. It felt so good to stand under the water and not have to hold on. My legs and hips are still stiff and painful so I will continue to take my Epsom salt baths but at least I know that I am able to shower. I also noticed that some of the burning skin has eased.

I'm going to say this very quietly...I have not had any nausea for a month..shhh., Oh how I hated the nausea, so very sick every morning.

If this nerve and muscle pain would leave in the near future, I would be one happy person.

Four days = One year off, this has been the longest year of my life.

I know I have a long way to go but the fear of getting worse is gone. I think I reached a certain level of pain and torture and now I'm praying it will be downhill from here.

While there are still many things that I'm not able to do yet I now know it will all come in time..baby steps. All throughout withdrawal the benzodiazepine beast was telling me that I was to ill to heal...not anymore.

 

Hope you all have a blessed weekend with much healing.

[[No...]]

One very significant "improvement" for me is the shift from "hyper-vigilance" to "hyper-awareness" ... what is the difference for me ...

 

My "hyper-vigilance" contained the element of "response" ... and it was constantly "active" ... think of looking at the radar scope you see in movies ... that beam going round and round ... and a blip there ... one there ... oh and another one over there ... yep, there is another one ... and what does that mean ... what does that one mean ... like trying to juggle sixteen balls in the air at once and just getting dizzy trying to follow them all ... and being "mesmerized" by the process ... and not being able to stop, because if I "stop" everything will come tumbling down ... that book title "I Am Dancing As Fast As I Can" comes to mind ... and the energy this took, my gosh, buckets and buckets of energy ...

 

The shift ... well ... the "radar scope" still goes round and round ... and the "blips" still show up ... and I still do not "know" what they "mean" ... the difference is that one day I just could not do the "juggling" anymore ... all the balls fell to the floor ... and I did not die ...

 

This is difficult to compose in words ... I "know" it in my bones ... just how to "communicate" it ... something "let go" ... maybe "surrender" contains its meaning ... there is still "fear" ... and I still have moments of being "scared" or "frightened" ... and I am not "afraid" anymore ... I am not "afraid" anymore ...

 

I have written in the past about my "owning" being sick ... that "awareness" and "acceptance" of being sick ... and the "release" that followed ... and continues in my life ...

 

I do not have to juggle any more to stay "alive" ... there is no "magical" performance ritual necessary for me to continue breathing ...

 

And this may be the time when my "stubbornness" transformed into a vibrant practice of being "positive" ... of feeling "hope" ... of "knowing" I am moving through Time to a place of recovery ...

 

I have climbed the mountain ... and it is indeed all downhill from the summit ...

 

And the "ride" is still too fast some days ... and too slow some days ... and I still get "tangled" up ... and I still experience being frightened ... and I "know" I am riding to recovery ... and I am not "afraid" ...

 

I am no longer "dancing as fast as I can" ... more like I am waltzing to recovery ... and I love the music ...

 

And the "compassion" I now feel for this old guy who has lived so much ... endured so much ... somewhere along this "downhill" ride a "split" healed ... I "came back" to myself ... the sense of being "haunted" fell away ... I came home ...

 

This is the "wellspring" of my "confidence" .. my "hope" ... this is my Life ... maybe this is where our sense of "freedom" lives ....

 

Have a good evening ...

[[dr...]]

Thanks for something positive nova. I read a "success story" that was anything but a success to me that scared the crap out of me.  I have a bit hungover feeling after the one day acute like wave. It seems to have passed but I'm still shell shocked. I still try and hide how I'm feeling from almost everyone so it's kind of exhausting. I can see the relief you can get.

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Nova.

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... yeah, I know the "hung over" ... "shell shocked" place ... this recovery business is exhausting ... and there is great benefit in it ... I believe we gradually get to a place that feels like "firm ground" ... a place where we can stand comfortably until this recovery becomes complete ... a place where we can rest a while between the waxing and waning that continues ...

 

Staying "within myself" as I move around BB is a good practice for me ... I need to be here ... I take so much "nourishment" and "confirmation" from it ... and I need to gently remember that these are their stories ... and I am living my story ... we are all moving to our own music ...

 

Have a good weekend ...

[[No...]]

Peace ... 

[[Mo...]]

Nova, beautiful.  I could feel the waltz.  You are amazing.  Fear is such a thief.  Acceptance, that one is tough. 

 

Drew- I remember that stage.  There was a weird thing where I had to stop sharing too much because it made my family unable to see my progress especially since we do look normal to those around us.  Now I share because it's more like I need peptalks.  I'm sorry somebody's story scared you.  Remember, we recover as individuals.  The fact that you were able to give a performance and then travel is huge.  Your CNS is prob just over stimulated. 

 

Beulah!!--  wow, you took a shower!  I'm so happy for you.  That is great progress.  I'm whispering back and doing a happy dance for your tummy. 

[[je...]]

Nice post Nova, thank you

Beulah-- sounds like you are doing good, I'm so happy to hear this.

Success stories sometimes scare me because the people very rarely say they are 100% healed. They usually day they are better, but still have lingering sx . I just wish there were more stories of people having everything go away.

[[dr...]]

Just want to say that this is a great thread.  I spend my time here and on the working thread.

[[Mo...]]

Jenny,

I didn't realize there were stories like that.  I think they consider it a success when you complete the taper and are 2 months out so people like to post then.  If you search again put 100% healed in the search engine and only read those. 

 

Healingslowly, there is a support group for those whose waves line up with their cycles or it makes things worse.  If it takes 3 years so be it.  Life made a good point about measuring progress in months.  I have found a few blogs out there like that.  The writers check on a 6 month basis.  These people compare only being able to sit in a rocking chair to being able to walking around the block.  I had severe social situation stress during my taper.  Could not go into church.  Had to sit in the hall.  It's gone now.  There is also a support group for those 12 months and more.  Maybe pop over there. 

 

MommyR

[[be...]]

Nice post Nova, thank you

Beulah-- sounds like you are doing good, I'm so happy to hear this.

Success stories sometimes scare me because the people very rarely say they are 100% healed. They usually day they are better, but still have lingering sx . I just wish there were more stories of people having everything go away.

 

Hey Jenny, I was 100 percent healed from my first w/d. It took many yrs. to get there but It happened.

After two years off I felt like I could conquer the world and it just got better and better.

All of these layers of suffering take time, one layer at a time being peeled back till one day you realize they are gone. You will get there!!!!

[[pe...]]

Hi Beulah- thanks for the encouraging post. I'm glad to hear you're seeing improvements!

 

Good morning friends! I hope you all have peaceful moments that open into big sunny breaks.

Peace2

[[pe...]]

I find the middle so uncomfortable. I'm not in acute and I'm not healed. I am constantly annoyed by symptoms, like too many flies buzzing around. I can do things, but I don't enjoy them. I'm often tense and, well, uncomfortable. Calm body, calm mind. Intention for the day.

[[li...]]

Jenny,

I didn't realize there were stories like that.  I think they consider it a success when you complete the taper and are 2 months out so people like to post then.  If you search again put 100% healed in the search engine and only read those. 

 

Healingslowly, there is a support group for those whose waves line up with their cycles or it makes things worse.  If it takes 3 years so be it.  Life made a good point about measuring progress in months.  I have found a few blogs out there like that.  The writers check on a 6 month basis.  These people compare only being able to sit in a rocking chair to being able to walking around the block.  I had severe social situation stress during my taper.  Could not go into church.  Had to sit in the hall.  It's gone now.  There is also a support group for those 12 months and more.  Maybe pop over there. 

 

Great point Mommyr,

 

What was I doing 6 months ago? This is for those at 6 months or close to it -- keep the faith!

 

Going to the psych to make "it" all stop -- the intrusive thoughts. Was given an SSRI.

Jumping off of the SSRI as I felt I was going to be catatonic.

Googling the symptoms of Schizophrenia because I could not understand the non-audible voices in my head

My moods were moment to moment

My anxiety was through the roof

I was getting paranoid over things.

I was secretly jealous of people that were not experiencing this tough journey.

I thought I would never heal.

Depression was setting in as a "new" symptom.

I was so restless I could not stop distracting.

I would go to the local park with massive D/R ( never had DP)

 

NOW all these symptoms are GONE! When did they get better -- for me, ever so slowly. The only issue I have now ( last went away on the 4th of July) is depression. It is not a good symptom to have linger but I know that with God I will make it through on this one. True depression not related to W/d is ever present. I see by the way that many of our depressive episodes come and go that it is not true clinical depression.

 

 

We are all healing! Thanks Mommyr for reminding me of the 6 month "look back"!

 

 

life

 

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Nova - I really love your positive post about now waltzing to the music.  That is a great metaphor.  I think I am improving in some ways but still feel symptoms that are quite uncomfortable so it's hard to decipher them yet.  And like Gaer said in his post, when the waves aren't quite as bad perhaps the windows aren't as clear.  Maybe my wave line is beginning to straighten out from that very intense sine curve.

 

The anxiety still needs to come down many notches but at least that crawling under one's skin thing had eased up.  I hope it stays away forever.  Today is a better day.

 

Hi everyone.  I hope you're all feeling better today too,

Lisa

[[Sk...]]

Same to  you, Lisa !

[[je...]]

I find the middle so uncomfortable. I'm not in acute and I'm not healed. I am constantly annoyed by symptoms, like too many flies buzzing around. I can do things, but I don't enjoy them. I'm often tense and, well, uncomfortable. Calm body, calm mind. Intention for the day.

 

 

I can really relate to this. I just don't feel good and while I'm glad I'm not in acute I can't really relax and enjoy myself.  I'm also so sick of thinking about how o feel day after day-- wish I could just get out of my head.

[[Fr...]]

Life - thank you for that assessment.  It gives me great hope, and joy to hear that you're feeling so well.

 

Jenny and Peace - I can relate too.

 

Lisa