6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

I can't even believe it. I have been feeling good for about three weeks now ( since the 5th) and I can look back and wonder " What the ....". You, no one, could ever explain this journey to anyone that has not traveled it. The complexity is in the two worlds of windows and waves. How would anyone like to take a walk in a park when they got jumped by a thug every once in a while? It would get to anyone!

 

Life

[[...]]

Good evening all!

 

Coop - so awesome, your window!! That's so wonderful!!

 

Everyone, we are healing!! We will get there!!

 

[[pe...]]

Hey Life- I totally agree with the PTSD idea. Totally. I'm so glad you're rocking and rolling! This is good news, amazing news. At 6.5 months did you have windows? My windows are little to none. It's a bummer for sure. I just keep on trucking but it sure would be nice to come up for air!

 

Jenny and Nova -so glad things are lightening for you.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

yes peace I did have windows at 6 months-- but they were intraday or weirder yet intra hourly. I had more waves than windows back then.Not the wide open windows that I have now.

 

life

[[be...]]

Hi all, I was reading over some of your posts and wanted to let you know that I took it for about a month, I think it helped me sleep and muscles more relaxed. It caused me to have stomach upset so I stopped it. I went into a very bad wave after stopping it.I won't take it again.

I don't think we can start and stop any kind of pills or vitamins now without some sort of side affects.

 

[[dr...]]

Hi all!  Great news on all the windows opening up.  I'm feeling very crappy. I was very panicky before the travel and became symptomatic on a good amount of the flight. I just got home and haven't slept well, eaten well, and travelled.  It's a recipe for getting whacked.

I was supposed to meet my gf out but I feel I'm suffering from overstimulation. Just going to take it easy and spend the night with my symptoms.

[[No...]]

Hi Drew ... sorry you got "whacked" on the way home ... and good for you for going ... have a "quiet" evening if you can ...

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... had a good 5 hour sleep ...

 

Last day of "work" before my "vacation" ... I don't think one would call my 4 hour a day job "work" in any traditional sense ... I sit here and do what I can for 4 hours ... some days I feel I am just getting "paid" to "suffer" ... I do what I can and am recognized for it ...

 

Not "going" anywhere" ... still cannot do the "car" thing at any speed ... hope that symptom dissipates some day ...

 

Have a good Friday, Folks ...

[[...]]

Good morning Nova! Hope it clears up quickly giving you a nice Friday!!

 

Glad for your 5 hours of sleep! That's wonderful!

 

[[pe...]]

Drew- sorry things ramped up on your way home. Glad you're back and have a few days off for things to settle before heading back to work.

 

Nova- It's so long. I'm sorry you're not getting much of a break right now. I think your 4 hour job sounds like a great way to have routine and income without too much stress. What will your vacation look like? Are you able to do short trips in the car? Change of scenery was good for me, maybe good for you too?

 

Good morning to everyone!

Peace2

[[...]]

Good morning Peace! How are you today?

 

[[pe...]]

GMIT- I'm undecided. It's going to take me a few hours to see which way this day is going to swing. Meditating followed by a jog.

 

Hope you have a great day!

[[Fr...]]

I'm undecided too. Not sleeping too well and that leaves me with anhedonia.  It's hard.

 

Feel better everyone.

 

 

[[...]]

Peace and Free, I hope it burns off and you can both improve through the day!!

 

[[je...]]

Hi Drew -- traveling is a lot of stress I'm sure it just threw you off your normal routine. Get some rest and I'm sure you'll feel better soon.

Hi Nova-- sorry your still not feeling to well. I hope you start to feel better later on.

Lisa and peace-- hope your day opens into a big window!

I'm feeling okay, having some slight head pressure and some weakness.

[[pa...]]

Drew- sorry things ramped up on your way home. Glad you're back and have a few days off for things to settle before heading back to work.

 

Nova- It's so long. I'm sorry you're not getting much of a break right now. I think your 4 hour job sounds like a great way to have routine and income without too much stress. What will your vacation look like? Are you able to do short trips in the car? Change of scenery was good for me, maybe good for you too?

 

Good morning to everyone!

Peace2

 

A word of caution on the trips....  it can be a mixed blessing.  Like Drew, I took a short weekend trip and had to abandon ship when all the acute symptoms started coming back.

[[pe...]]

Paperboat- I'm sorry to hear that. I was hoping you'd get a break during your trip. It's just further proof this recovery process can be summed up with one word  - unpredictable. From week to week, day to day, hour to hour. It is very difficult to make plans. There has to be so much room for letting each day unfold however it does.

 

 

Jenny- I'm glad things are getting better for you.

 

[[Fr...]]

Jenny and Coop - I'm so happy for you both that things are improving.

 

I think I may be where you were a while back with anhedonia / depression.  I want my mind back.  We are here up north at our beach cottage, walk alongside it and bike everyday but I can't feel true joy overall.  There are bits and pieces here and there like later yesterday I felt not bad but today - yuck - just depression regardless of how much I breathe and walk.  My legs have that nervy tingling too which is scary.

 

Nova - I hope your days are improving.  Drew - I'm sorry you're feeling low.

 

Peace - I hope the depression is gone finally.

 

GMIT - keep up the window!

 

Beulah - good to hear from you.    Anyone hear from Greenice?  Hi Ama, Life HH.

 

Lisa

[[Mo...]]

Good morning.. or should I say afternoon?  I woke up with fear today.  Youza!  I could not pinpoint the lie in this one because it wouldn't settle on anything just a 'where the wild things are' type of monster chasing me kind of sensation. 

 

I had a minor wake at 3pm, but made it to 5am when the beast showed up.  Seriously, it was like a big hairy beast was chasing me.  I went to lay next to my husband because my giant 7 and 3 year olds were taking up most of the bed.  When I got up I realized ain't gonna happen.  This wave needs me to talk to someone, so I called my mom and woke her because I'm cool like that.

 

We used a tactic from my counselor and I actually fell asleep on the phone talking to her which was AWESOME.  I woke up about 30min ago feeling 'better', but my brain hurts.  It has that sandbag feeling sitting on it and a slight headache, dizzy.  Sipping some coffee now.  I know this will pass and its pretty much coasting around a 4-5 out of 10, but it's lasting a loooooooong time.

 

I was over on the regular boards and there was a lady named Mommyof2 in the ER getting a psych eval.  I gave my two cents, but I can't tell where in the process she is... maybe tapering?  Anyways, the suicidal thoughts thing had her freaked out.  Maybe stop by give her a pep talk: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=112769.0

 

Nova - the 4 hour a day work week is a common thread I have seen with many trying to work thru this.  Honestly, you are doing great.  I always love your attitude regardless of the suffering you experience.  I feel like you are the tortoise in the tortoise and the hare story.  Please take that as a compliment.

 

Drew- Yup, like Paperboat said..travel can be great and it can be a stressor.  I am sorry you became symptomatic.  In June, I had to fly to my inlaws on the cusp of a wave.  No choice in the matter.  I remember my kids getting in the pool at their house and I got in with them thinking if I die, I die.  At least they will remember me having fun.  Ridiculous thought process, but after a few hours in the pool i experienced my first 100% baseline sensation that lasted 4 hours.  It's a weird process this recovery, but I assure you progress is taking place regardless of how you feel.

 

Free- I know what worked for me doesn't work for everyone else.  I understand that desperate feeling of not being able to feel joy.  You can ask what came first the chicken or the egg for me.  Was my therapy working to help my brain heal or was the healing happening that made my therapy more effective.. Maybe both??  When I was really sick back in December/Jan.. absolutely losing it, I grabbed a journal.  It was specifically for only good stuff that happened during this journey.  I called it my book of 'mercies'.  Some days the mercy was that I got to eat food or that I got 5hrs of sleep.  They weren't things that brought me joy at the moment, just a way of admitting that somewhere in the horribleness of the process, was a tiny mercy spurring me forward.  Your feelings won't match the sentiment but the point of the exercise is to get your brain to fire counter chemicals to the bad stuff going off.  So, maybe for you I would have written today that I saw the ocean and remembered before the benzo ride that i could feel the energy of the waves and appreciated the beauty of the shoreline.  Doing this exercise might fire off something because your brain will remember that time before and it might fire off the good stuff.  It's just a thought.  Sometimes you white knuckle it thru.  My thoughts are with you today no matter how you make it. 

 

Peace and Jenny- I too am happy things are better for you.  What are you baseline's right now?

 

Life- LOVE THE WINDOW!!  YAY!!!!  So glad, so glad..

 

Beulah - I was reading your signature and see that you have experience with healing!  I'm sorry you have to go thru this again. 

 

 

Anyways, I will be around today looking for who ever is talking. 

 

MommyR

 

 

 

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I have been away for a while, I have hard time writing so I could not be here.

 

I am writing because I am worried about GreenIce.

 

I haven't heard from her in ages, I PMd her recently but no answer. It has been a long time since we have spoken, we usually always manage to get a quick word no matter how bad things are.

 

I just want to know if she is ok.

 

Anybody heard from her ? Please PM me if you have !

[[Mo...]]

Sky,

Her profile says she was last active on the 21st.  So she hasn't logged in since then.  Maybe give it another day.  My buddy has been staying away too.  Sometimes people need a break from the boards. 

 

MommyR

[[...]]

Mommy, at what point do you think you turned a corner?

[[No...]]

Well ... good afternoon ... thought my morning was going down the chute again ... bang up chemical anxiety and breathing issues ... lasted about half an hour ... then oops ... all gone ... and a "quiet" afternoon ... when I find out which closet this stuff hides in I am nailing it shut ...

 

So, pretty good today ... will wait another day to pronounce this wave passed ...

 

Lisa ... sorry things are lousy again ... hang on ...

 

MommyR ... love your posts ... "where the wild things are" ... yep ... a good image for me ...

 

Just gonna "poke around" this "vacation" ... no plans ... rented a car for the two weeks ... see where we get to ...

 

Hope you Folks on the "quiet" side of the ledger stay there ...

 

[[...]]

Nova, so glad it passed!! Love hearing that!

 

I'm not really in a wave, bit not feeling as good as I could. Unfortunately, I took some iron the last couple of days and I am allergic to it. I think it kinda spun me a bit.

 

Be well!

 

[[Mo...]]

Brain is hurting..ugh

 

GMIT - I had 3 noticeable adjustments to my baseline... December almost a month off my taper I had a tangible instantaneous switch flip in my brain where the crazy shut down I had almost a week of normal.  March.. My baseline went up to 95% from maybe 70-80% and my waves began to get smaller.  Then June.. I experienced my first 100% baseline hours.  I still wave and they may or may not line up with my cycle.  Right now the weight on my brain is getting heavier and the dizzy is weird, but that doesn't seem to affect my baseline.  Very strange.  Thank you for asking.  It makes me feel important and that I have something to offer. 

 

Nova- Thank you for liking my posts.  haha.  I sometimes don't like to add imagery because of the power of suggestion during this process but that one was so out there I had to share.  Yes, kick around and don't over do it. 

 

Sand bags on my brain.  Sooooooooo weird.  Is this pressure?  Wow, I think my vision is begin affected too.  So odd. 

 

Hmmm not sure what to do with this one,

MommyR