6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

Thanks everyone for support and ideas.  I don't know what to do about the Elavil.  Thus far have I have taken it sporadically and been ok - about 1/2 tablet twice per week in earlier months and in the latest months, none or 1/2 per week just on my worst days for pain and severe depression or anxiety or to sleep if I hadn't slept well in many nights.

 

My husband gets scared and is urging me to try it.  My therapist says no, better to let the brain heal with nothing - I agree but how much does one have to take unassisted?  There is no doctor support other than the pain / addiction specialist who said yes to the Elavil use, but then I only got to see the nurse practitioner there since the wait was over a month to see the doctor.

 

I am really down.  And in bad waves I'm down plus in pain and miserable.  My body feels all locked up and nerve endings seemed too fired up.  I can't adequately describe how awful the feeling can be.

 

Lisa

 

Free, if you have the chance to relive some of the symptoms I am a strong advocate to take and taper later Just make sure whatever you are taking that you use it for as long as necessary and then taper. I did this with a med just recently and am off of it. it helped and I got off when I started feeling better.

 

life

[[Co...]]

HealingHope...thank you so much for your wonderfully encouraging words...many of us really needed to hear those encouragements today. .. So glad to hear that you are so much better. I am seeing good improvement at 8.5 months out ( 70-75% better on 5 out of 7 days...with a symptomatic day of fear /anxiety/ depression from time to time)....Encouragement like your post is what will take me to year one..My expectation ( hope) is that a year to 14 months I will be 80-85% on most days with the last 15-20% happening in the 18-24 month range..I would be so ok with that...hope The Benzo Beast has nothing much left to throw at me in year 2. 

....Thanks so much for taking the time to post. Hearing from others who are 6months to year further out than we are gives me the courage to keep it going....Our worst days are behind us...our best days are right in front of us..  coop

 

[[Mo...]]

Jenny and Peace,

 

This is post called Flip's Freedom: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=104132.msg1340520#msg1340520

 

She was on a very high dosage of meds, diagnosed with everything under the sun wrong with her and wanted to die.  Please read her story and find encouragement.  There are so many stories buried on the boards.  I wish I had logged them all.

 

This is an awesome write up on what is happening in your brain:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.msg1065487#msg1065487

 

I remember reading this from it contrasting those with brain damage to us:

First of all, a TRUTH to accept is that WE HEAL.  I have seen people emerge from comas who cannot remember who they are - WE HEAL.

They can't remember how to walk (we do).

They can't write their names (we can).

They cannot tell you the year or the president (I was SO bad I was unsure of this at times, but generally, I was oriented to this).

They often cannot remember family members (we can -our D/R can be hideous, but we remember them).

THEY have to work through many hours of therapy to heal. But most of them do - and from TRAUMATIC PHYSICAL brain trauma that can tear tissue and tear nerves.

We have none of that. We don't have to undergo therapy. We simply have to wait.

 

Hang in there everyone. 

 

MommyR

 

[[No...]]

"We simply have to wait."

 

Thank you for this reminder MommyR ... I know this in my bones ... and often amidst the turmoil of the day I am not calm enough to remember ...

 

Another Buddy once wrote that "after the struggle to become free everything else is downhill" ... again simple words ... and holy crap ... just how high is this blankety blank hill? 

 

 

 

 

 

[[No...]]

Gonna' cruise the boards for a while ... slept a bit ... broken and vibrating sleep again ... rather than sitting there amidst the vibration made some tea and will sit here for a while ...

[[am...]]

"We simply have to wait."

 

Thank you for this reminder MommyR ... I know this in my bones ... and often amidst the turmoil of the day I am not calm enough to remember ...

 

Another Buddy once wrote that "after the struggle to become free everything else is downhill" ... again simple words ... and holy crap ... just how high is this blankety blank hill? 

 

 

Hi Nova - from one long time user to another, you and I are closer to the top of that hill than to the bottom. Good healing friend to my north!

[[je...]]

Jenny and Peace,

 

This is post called Flip's Freedom: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=104132.msg1340520#msg1340520

 

She was on a very high dosage of meds, diagnosed with everything under the sun wrong with her and wanted to die.  Please read her story and find encouragement.  There are so many stories buried on the boards.  I wish I had logged them all.

 

This is an awesome write up on what is happening in your brain:  http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.msg1065487#msg1065487

 

I remember reading this from it contrasting those with brain damage to us:

First of all, a TRUTH to accept is that WE HEAL.  I have seen people emerge from comas who cannot remember who they are - WE HEAL.

They can't remember how to walk (we do).

They can't write their names (we can).

They cannot tell you the year or the president (I was SO bad I was unsure of this at times, but generally, I was oriented to this).

They often cannot remember family members (we can -our D/R can be hideous, but we remember them).

THEY have to work through many hours of therapy to heal. But most of them do - and from TRAUMATIC PHYSICAL brain trauma that can tear tissue and tear nerves.

We have none of that. We don't have to undergo therapy. We simply have to wait.

 

Hang in there everyone. 

 

MommyR

 

 

 

Thank you mommy!

[[pe...]]

There were so many great posts yesterday. I don't even know where to begin.

For everyone who said I'll heal too, thank you. I don't entirely believe it and at the same time it's really the only option. I was reading back over the events that led to benzos, the weeks after my migraine and metoclopramide experience. I was writing things about having a pretty good week, etc. Imagine, a good week! That suggests to me that I was better off before the benzos and will be again at some point. I also wrote over and over again that medications are hard on my body, but I kept taking them and searching them out. Unheeded intuition. And now I have the genetic test results that back up my intuition.

 

Lisa- I know the place of being willing to try anything. If you are fairly certain to get relief and you've tried it before, than it's a reasonable choice. I agree with Coop's suggestion to look it up. I also agree with the advice you gave me, which was to listen to my intuition. I hope you are feeling worlds better today!

 

Jenny- How are you? You are doing a tremendous job of kicking through this recovery with two boys by your side. My boys spend loads more time with their dad than with me. Again, if only we were neighbors, our boys would have a blast together! Always thinking of you and hoping you're in a window right now!

 

Mommy, thanks for the encouragement and link. And Coop, Life, HH, thank you too.

 

Drew- hope you have a great flight home.

 

Peace2

[[je...]]

Thank you peace! I would love to be neighbors, our boys could play while we talk and support eachother-- it would be so nice my wave has defiantly lifted and iam so thankful because after a whole week in acute I thought I was stuck that way. I'm still not back to my baseline, so I'm hoping the next few days I will continue to improve. Thank you guys for all the support, that was the scariest wave I have ever had because my waves never last more than 3 days and because I'm 10 months out and was back in acute. I pray you are all feeling better today. Jenny

[[am...]]

Thank you peace! I would love to be neighbors, our boys could play while we talk and support eachother-- it would be so nice my wave has defiantly lifted and iam so thankful because after a whole week in acute I thought I was stuck that way. I'm still not back to my baseline, so I'm hoping the next few days I will continue to improve. Thank you guys for all the support, that was the scariest wave I have ever had because my waves never last more than 3 days and because I'm 10 months out and was back in acute. I pray you are all feeling better today. Jenny

 

Glad to hear that you are feeling Better Jenny! I have been stuck in a wave for a few days too. Not super sick, but bad anxiety and I haven't hardly been able to sleep the last couple of nights. I have never had insomnia before in my life and it is really freaking me out. 

[[je...]]

It will pass ama, when your in it it feels like it will never go away but it always does. A few days ago I was freaking out thinking I was back to month 1 and possibly stuck that way, now my wave has lifted and I can think more clearly and realize it was a bad wave. I know you will be feeling better soon 

[[Fr...]]

Ama - I am feeling the same way, bad anxiety along with depression.  It's scary.

 

Thanks for the encouragement Jenny - I'm so glad you're out of that last wave and hope you stay in the window.

 

Nova - hang in there.  It is tough going right now.  We will make it step by step.

 

Coop and Life - thanks for your continual kind words.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Just a quick post...Every one who is doubting the process....hang in there...keep going ..it gets better

. ..I woke up this morning. in a wide open window ( knock on wood).

.....slept until 630...for months I have been waking up at 4-430 and unable to go back to sleep.

.....anxiety...none...dread..none ....head pressure NONE...intrusive thoughts.  none.  cortisol surges.. none...depression...none.Feeling 100%  normal today like I used to feel every day in my lpre benzo days. ....

.....so so grateful for this window day. My wide open windows never last more than 24 hours so I am planning on enjoying every moment of this day. Off to PT.. Then to coffee with my daughter at our favorite book haunt and seeing my grandsons for dinner at their house. At least for one day I have my life back.

.....Keep it going friends we are all going to have our lives back with greater appreciation for all that is joyous in our normal every day lives

....love to all...wishing everyone windows and healing today....coop

[[li...]]

Thank you peace! I would love to be neighbors, our boys could play while we talk and support eachother-- it would be so nice my wave has defiantly lifted and iam so thankful because after a whole week in acute I thought I was stuck that way. I'm still not back to my baseline, so I'm hoping the next few days I will continue to improve. Thank you guys for all the support, that was the scariest wave I have ever had because my waves never last more than 3 days and because I'm 10 months out and was back in acute. I pray you are all feeling better today. Jenny

 

Jenny, nice to here that you are feeling the symptomd for this benzo beast lifting. You are healing for sure. It is scary to experience this after 10 months. I was wondering did you have a catalyst? A med disconinued or a stressfull situation? I am feeling very good and my last wave was back on the 4th of Jully lasted 3 days. I can see by the way we post that we are all healing.

 

Moomyr,

 

Thank you so much for your wonderful post. It makes all the sense in the world. Its hard to make sense of any of this but your post was right on!    Has your wave lifted too? Just wondering.

 

Life

[[li...]]

Just a quick post...Every one who is doubting the process....hang in there...keep going ..it gets better

. ..I woke up this morning. in a wide open window ( knock on wood).

.....slept until 630...for months I have been waking up at 4-430 and unable to go back to sleep.

.....anxiety...none...dread..none ....head pressure NONE...intrusive thoughts.  none.  cortisol surges.. none...depression...none.Feeling 100%  normal today like I used to feel every day in my lpre benzo days. ....

.....so so grateful for this window day. My wide open windows never last more than 24 hours so I am planning on enjoying every moment of this day. Off to PT.. Then to coffee with my daughter at our favorite book haunt and seeing my grandsons for dinner at their house. At least for one day I have my life back.

.....Keep it going friends we are all going to have our lives back with greater appreciation for all that is joyous in our normal every day lives

....love to all...wishing everyone windows and healing today....coop

 

Awsome!!!!! This follows the trend of others very closely. Month 8 turn around month and by no later than 14 months ultimate healing! 

[[am...]]

Just a quick post...Every one who is doubting the process....hang in there...keep going ..it gets better

. ..I woke up this morning. in a wide open window ( knock on wood).

.....slept until 630...for months I have been waking up at 4-430 and unable to go back to sleep.

.....anxiety...none...dread..none ....head pressure NONE...intrusive thoughts.  none.  cortisol surges.. none...depression...none.Feeling 100%  normal today like I used to feel every day in my lpre benzo days. ....

.....so so grateful for this window day. My wide open windows never last more than 24 hours so I am planning on enjoying every moment of this day. Off to PT.. Then to coffee with my daughter at our favorite book haunt and seeing my grandsons for dinner at their house. At least for one day I have my life back.

.....Keep it going friends we are all going to have our lives back with greater appreciation for all that is joyous in our normal every day lives

....love to all...wishing everyone windows and healing today....coop

 

 

That is awesome Coop !  Congrats and good healing !!

[[je...]]

Thank you peace! I would love to be neighbors, our boys could play while we talk and support eachother-- it would be so nice my wave has defiantly lifted and iam so thankful because after a whole week in acute I thought I was stuck that way. I'm still not back to my baseline, so I'm hoping the next few days I will continue to improve. Thank you guys for all the support, that was the scariest wave I have ever had because my waves never last more than 3 days and because I'm 10 months out and was back in acute. I pray you are all feeling better today. Jenny

 

Jenny, nice to here that you are feeling the symptomd for this benzo beast lifting. You are healing for sure. It is scary to experience this after 10 months. I was wondering did you have a catalyst? A med disconinued or a stressfull situation? I am feeling very good and my last wave was back on the 4th of Jully lasted 3 days. I can see by the way we post that we are all healing.

 

Moomyr,

 

Thank you so much for your wonderful post. It makes all the sense in the world. Its hard to make sense of any of this but your post was right on!    Has your wave lifted too? Just wondering.

 

Life

 

 

 

Hi life,

Long story, but I had been taking magnesium for about 4-5 months then I ran out when I started taking it again it made me sick as hell so I stopped taking it. That's when I was thrown into this wave. Still not sure if it was the magnesium or I had a wave coming and it just made it worse-- hard to say. This wave has really wiped me out, it will probably still be another week before I'm back to baseline. I'm just so thankful it lifted, i was very scared. Glad to hear you are still doing good!

[[Mo...]]

Good Morning from sunny California. 

 

So I'm a little icky, but nothing a cup of jo can't over ride.  Getting up and around.  My husband comes home today and I kept the kids home to hang with me because I"m cool like that.  Ha!

 

Jenny - AWESOME NEWS!  I'm so glad you are doing better

Peace - Can I be your neighbor too? 

Nova - How are you doing to day?

Coop- Love the great report

Ama- These waves always pass.  I know it's a redundant statement, but still FACT.

Free- My heart, prayers and assurance 'you are going to get to the next window' are here with you.

 

Yesterday, I was on the boards looking for a 'guy' I had come across in February of this year.  He was in agony.  Couldn't even down dose.  Everyone was encouraging him, but he hadn't come to terms with the fact that maybe life would have to stop for him to get off the benzo train.  He told us he was going to deactivate his account and try to focus on recovery.  I hope he did.  His account is still inactive.

 

My point?  We are miles from that world.  We have stopped the bus and gotten off.  Our brains are actually in the healing mode right now!!!  This is exciting news. Every time fear or depression or panic or anxiety fires off it is those neurotransmitters trying to regulate. Even the nausea and insomnia, headaches, body aches are signs of things moving. How many countless others have been unable to get off?  I don't know, but we are OFF.  WE HAVE COMPLETED THE HARDEST PART..THE TAPER.  I don't know what the odds of re-instating are but at this point we are only going forward. 

 

Please recognize the hugeness of making it this far! 

 

I remember back in January or February calling my doctor because of the most horrid adrenaline rush that lasted 10 or 12 days (I would have to look at my chart).  They offered me some crazy med to calm my CNS, but his assistant said to me, "Please just try to hang on.  You've made it so far without any assistance.  You have done really well.  This is going to pass".  And so I did.  I waited it out and it passed.  They also told me only 1 in 10 people get off benzos without other medication.  They then wean off of that med too.  I had to trust them AND myself.  I had to listen to my body and when I couldn't make a decision I asked for guidance.  Even no decision or choosing not to medicate is a decision.  It's so personal. 

 

Free, it's up to you.  We support you.  Many people use meds to get thru the rough part.  I refused meds because I couldn't see going thru withdrawal twice.  I drew my own lines in the sand.  You make yours where ever you please.  I do know that no matter what you will deal with the withdrawal process.  As time passes it will shake down and shake down.  Eventually you will pass all the intensive physical and mental symptoms of mood swings and bodily pain.  Maybe you will find yourself where I am..questioning if it's me now or still the meds.  Then you will feel the signature signs of benzo withdrawal.. the tiny residual of the trauma on your brain.  You will look at 'you' before the meds and now and make a decision.  Just like Peace posted about looking at the her journals to connect the dots and look at where she was, how she got here and her progress.  Peace, I'm glad you have your symptoms documented.

 

So many many times I have laid my crazy train thoughts and fears before the people I trust who won't get scared and can make a safe decision with me.  It has NEVER FAILED that when we dealt with the BENZO LIES....WHATEVER CRAZINESS THEY SPOKE... I was always able to make it to the other side.  My hope is that you all someone to talk to, who won't be afraid to hear what you have to say and can decipher the truth for you until your mind can do it on it's own again. 

 

Big huge hugs for today,

MommyR

 

[[am...]]

Good Morning from sunny California. 

 

So I'm a little icky, but nothing a cup of jo can't over ride.  Getting up and around.  My husband comes home today and I kept the kids home to hang with me because I"m cool like that.  Ha!

 

Jenny - AWESOME NEWS!  I'm so glad you are doing better

Peace - Can I be your neighbor too? 

Nova - How are you doing to day?

Coop- Love the great report

Ama- These waves always pass.  I know it's a redundant statement, but still FACT.

Free- My heart, prayers and assurance 'you are going to get to the next window' are here with you.

 

Yesterday, I was on the boards looking for a 'guy' I had come across in February of this year.  He was in agony.  Couldn't even down dose.  Everyone was encouraging him, but he hadn't come to terms with the fact that maybe life would have to stop for him to get off the benzo train.  He told us he was going to deactivate his account and try to focus on recovery.  I hope he did.  His account is still inactive.

 

My point?  We are miles from that world.  We have stopped the bus and gotten off.  Our brains are actually in the healing mode right now!!!  This is exciting news. Every time fear or depression or panic or anxiety fires off it is those neurotransmitters trying to regulate. Even the nausea and insomnia, headaches, body aches are signs of things moving. How many countless others have been unable to get off?  I don't know, but we are OFF.  WE HAVE COMPLETED THE HARDEST PART..THE TAPER.  I don't know what the odds of re-instating are but at this point we are only going forward. 

 

Please recognize the hugeness of making it this far! 

 

I remember back in January or February calling my doctor because of the most horrid adrenaline rush that lasted 10 or 12 days (I would have to look at my chart).  They offered me some crazy med to calm my CNS, but his assistant said to me, "Please just try to hang on.  You've made it so far without any assistance.  You have done really well.  This is going to pass".  And so I did.  I waited it out and it passed.  They also told me only 1 in 10 people get off benzos without other medication.  They then wean off of that med too.  I had to trust them AND myself.  I had to listen to my body and when I couldn't make a decision I asked for guidance.  Even no decision or choosing not to medicate is a decision.  It's so personal. 

 

Free, it's up to you.  We support you.  Many people use meds to get thru the rough part.  I refused meds because I couldn't see going thru withdrawal twice.  I drew my own lines in the sand.  You make yours where ever you please.  I do know that no matter what you will deal with the withdrawal process.  As time passes it will shake down and shake down.  Eventually you will pass all the intensive physical and mental symptoms of mood swings and bodily pain.  Maybe you will find yourself where I am..questioning if it's me now or still the meds.  Then you will feel the signature signs of benzo withdrawal.. the tiny residual of the trauma on your brain.  You will look at 'you' before the meds and now and make a decision.  Just like Peace posted about looking at the her journals to connect the dots and look at where she was, how she got here and her progress.  Peace, I'm glad you have your symptoms documented.

 

So many many times I have laid my crazy train thoughts and fears before the people I trust who won't get scared and can make a safe decision with me.  It has NEVER FAILED that when we dealt with the BENZO LIES....WHATEVER CRAZINESS THEY SPOKE... I was always able to make it to the other side.  My hope is that you all someone to talk to, who won't be afraid to hear what you have to say and can decipher the truth for you until your mind can do it on it's own again. 

 

Big huge hugs for today,

MommyR

 

Hello Mommy R - Thanks for the support !!

 

[[No...]]

Sorry ... forgot to welcome the day here this morning ... lousy broken sleep ... pretty good morning ... having my afternoon ramp up again ... it should peter out in the next hour or so ...

 

My "mood" is good ...

 

Thanks for all the encouragement ... always, always helps me when I read/hear it ...

 

Have a good afternoon ... supposed to be "working" ... later ...

 

[[pe...]]

MommyR- you can just move right in with me! Of course, I'd love to have you for a neighbor. I appreciate your energy, your honesty, your willingness to put it all out there as a light for others. This process is just bizarre and crazy making and you sure help me to see it for what it is. Simply, it's not me. So often, I will get a feeling or a thought and right away I think that's not me. I don't accept it. It's a result of the drugs. I've also had two doctors now ask me not to take any meds. I tried with lots of meds to get better and it didn't work. So, I'm trying this way as best I can. It feels like my only option.

 

Coop! Hurray! My oldest just announced, "Today is a celebrating day." He must have known I was thinking of you! I hope you have a lovely window with your sweet family. I hope it's the longest one yet.

 

Hello to all my buddies!

Peace2

[[No...]]

Jenny ... good to hear your wave lifted ... mine is leaving, slowly ... still good for 5 or 6 hours late morning into afternoon ... this was a rough one for us ... take care ...

[[je...]]

Nova-- so glad to hear you are feeling better too, your right this was a rough one! Hopefully our last 

[[li...]]

Jenny,

 

I would not put off the idea that magnesium was the cause of your wave. When I was coming off of gabapentin right before the fourth of July (probably the reason for my 7/4th wave) I was having a hard time. Gabapentin mimics the w/d symptoms of benzos but does not have a long lasting affect on the system. I was having a real hard time and started to feel like I may start down another trauma. I started cruising the net. I found that many said that magnesium helps with gabapentin w/d. I took it and it worked. If something can work that well it must have some affect on the gaba system -- just my thoughts. I became concerned and dropped it right after the 8 days ( the time where I knew I was out of the woods with gabapentin). I would not put it past magnesium.

 

That being said, I may say something controversial ( not beyond me). I wonder sometimes if what I have experienced is a "drug trauma " with benzos. That is that the symptoms were so sever from jumping off benzos that I feel like I had a form of PTSD. Like it says in the Ashton manual. I wonder when we are getting off and on these meds if we have some sort of PTSD from the benzo experience and if by knowing this it may help others? I thought so.  I went to a Rapid Resolution Therapy and got cleared of this with hypnosis. Since then I have never experienced a sensitivity. Just a thought  and suggestion I have always had.

 

Life

[[je...]]

Hi life,

I have heard magnesium affects the gabba receptors, so iam glad iam off now because it may have been affecting my healing. Life, I absolutely feel this experience is PTSD, when iam clear minded I feel absolutely traumatized by what has happened to me and how much of my life has been stolen and how completely ill I have been. I still can't believe it at times....