6-12 month thread....

[[dr...]]

Yes Free I have pain. I just got out of a bath in my hotel room. I'm paying for feeling good yesterday. That three mile run has my thighs, shoulders, and neck in pain. It's more than workout pain it's added benzo pain.

Oh...the psychological kicked in too. I know what is causing the pain but my mind is trying to trick me into worrying about it.  Trying not to but in the heightened anxiety state the brain is evil.  It's like a switch gets flipped on and off. On-worry about everything.  Off-oh...that's a silly thought and I move on.

 

Trying not to feel guilty that I'm not out doing something right now but I guess I deserve to do nothing since I have to force myself everyday to do things in the real world.

[[pe...]]

No guilt Drew. None at all. You have rocked this taper with a good attitude and you're bringing the same to your recovery. You definitely deserve a timeout from pushing through and as much 'relaxation' as flows your way. My therapist says there's little worse you can do than should all over yourself. Agreed.

 

Lisa!!!! You are far and beyond winning the window race with me. I almost never have anything even close to a window. You are also rocking this thing. Believe it!

 

 

Love to Life, Jenny, Nova, GMIT, Mommy R, Ama

and I am missing Coop something fierce!

Peace2

[[Fr...]]

Drew - do not ever feel guilty for resting.  That's what Maui is for - recuperating and resting all you want and need.

 

Peace - thank you for the confidence - just the waves are so awful in terms of incapacitating.  It's hardly seems possible.  When they hit all I can really do is lay on the couch in extreme discomfort.

 

I'm glad you're feeling better!

 

Lisa 

[[je...]]

Drew-- that fact that you just jumped and are on vacation is such a big accomplishment. If you need to take a day off don't feel guilty-- what better place to do it than Maui  . I've been pretty much bed ridden this whole week and feeling so guilty myself, but fnally I just had to just accept I can't do much else. Feel better soon

[[dr...]]

Thanks all....the Hawaiin gods must agree with you all. It started to rain.

 

I took two Advil which are helping a bit with my pain. My brain has been going in n out of haywire mode all day. Just riding the waves and not the one in the ocean;).  Not complaining as I had several manageable days and it might be fine in an hour. Who knows with this madness.

[[pe...]]

Buddies - I'm tapering back on to Gingko.

I've had advice on BB that it's fine and also that it's not. My thinking is something about others trying supplements and medications to get through tough stretches. I know these things can cause setbacks (thinking of Jenny and that magnesium :ticked off:) . But I've had pretty good luck with the gingko during my taper and early off the klonopin. I'm not sure what, if anything, it will do at this point in the game but wanted to give it a go before heading back to work in a month. This way I can give it a little run and get off it if it seems to be causing problems. I'm putting it here so you can help me see which way things are going and give me your honest opinion about this trial. I respect you all and value your insights and opinions.

 

Drew - I hope your brain settles down and that all is well in an hour or so.

 

Still looking for Coop,

Peace2

[[li...]]

Peace, there is absolutely nothing wrong with using meds of any type so long as they are not poisoning you like benzos. The goal here is not to be med free (although a goal for me) but to feel good with things that do not kill you. By all mean use whatever it is that makes you feel good that is good with you and does not prevent healing. Protect your brain-- and have peace. When you feel better just tapper that which you have chosen. In terms of heavy med I just dumped gabapentin but I have no regrets using it. I would not recommend anyone here taking it as we are far along. Hope this helps.

 

life

[[Mo...]]

Hi all,

So I"m in a wave..Ha!  I figured it out this morning after I woke AGAIN at 3am.  My last wave was about 6 weeks ago.  I measure my progress by baseline percentage, being 'symptomatic' above a 2, 'spiking' where I am normal and then have s/x out of no where that go away within a few hours and the 'wave'.  Wave's for me last more then one day and have a gradual cranking up with no let up in symptoms.

 

Yesterday was full of panic and an inability to concentrate, uneasiness, etc.  I listed all the items that were freaking me out and dealt with each one as I could i.e.:  I need to work on my son's preschool website but I couldn't face it, so I sent an email to the office saying I was under the weather.  I needed to go to the grocery store, but waited until today.  I didn't understand what Vertigo was saying so I had someone else look it and get back to me..haha.  It goes on like that. 

 

I was so desperately tired from over a week (I think) of no sleep and waking at 3am like clock work EVERY NIGHT.  My husband had to leave on a trip.  My mom is here so I put the 3 year old to bed early and told my mom the 7 year old was hers.  Then next thing I know.. I'M AWAKE..UGH!

 

Is it a bad wave? No, but it's unpleasant and made me not want to leave the house and I have that choking sensation in my throat.  I woke up to what felt like a wrench tightening in my back and panic that I can't describe.  I wanted my husband to be near me desperately.  It felt like I would break if I couldn't see or talk to him.  Absolute torture.  I used a tactic my counselor shared with me and did meditation until the calm came.  I then fell back to sleep for an hour and woke to my kids.  The good news is that yuck that has been settling on my head was very lite.  Almost like it was trying to find a place to land but it couldn't. 

 

I got up and the glorious sun was shining. I"m sorry California is in a drought but when a wave is present I feel invisible, alone, small and sometimes in the deepest, darkest hole the earth can hold... like the belly of the whale.  I have to open the windows and doors and invite the world in like I'm begging it to see and notice me. 

 

I decided to drink my cup of coffee because it focuses my mind and my heart wasn't pounding so I did it!  My mom and I had our devotions and started talking like we always do.  Thank you God for my family. 

 

I've been reading over the posts and I find it interesting how many of us are experiencing panic and fear.  Are we all on the west coast?  Is something in the air? 

 

Peace- Soooooooo glad the depression has lifted.  Totally understand only being able to focus on certain things.  I hope the gingko works for you.  Whatever it takes.  And WOW, starting a job.  Big, huge, deal.  I am always impressed at the people who are able to work and go thru this. 

 

Nova- My 9 months is Thursday!  I get that chocking thing too.  I remember reading that people had trouble eating eggs because it caused some kind of energy.  Will have to find that post.  I read it during my taper, but I was so ill back then and I was eating maybe 600 calories a day.  If all I could stomach was an egg, so be it.  I also ate a lot of tuna.  Brain food!

 

Free- Definitely physical and psychological.  I used to get a one, two, three punch (headache, nausea, chest pain) and then I'd feel the emotional card shuffle on my brain where it was deciding which emotion I would be tortured with for the day (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  I was always grateful for the physical to take my mind off the emotional. 

 

Drew - I'm sure your brain will settle down.  Here's to rest and this being only a blip during your vacation.

 

Life - I looked up CBT and ACT to try to understand what you and Vertigo were referencing.  CBT sounds similar to what my counselor uses.  She told me the there are 5 (I think) ways to help someone.  Infact, it was an involuntary visualization experience that shut my cortisol rush down the night before last and I believe it's why today's was less.  I do not understand the ACT process.  I'm sorry you experienced a big 'stressor'.  Please keep us posted on how it's going. 

 

Over all I would say my wave is 4-5 out of 10.  Obsessive thoughts are less today and sharp objects aren't totally freaking me out like yesterday.  (Those two s/x are usually constants for me if I am 'symptomatic').

 

Okay, time to get one my kids into bed.  I am going to find a new Korean drama to watch because it makes me focus on the subtitles and nothing else.  Praying for sleep for all of us.  I have a buddy who is really really struggling with insomnia at 13months out.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers too. 

 

If I left anybody comments out I"m sorry.  You are all so important and worth having each situation spoken to.  Ama- my comments below this response don't back that far, but I hope you are doing better.

 

MommyR

[[Co...]]

Hi 6-12 buddies..I just spent half an hour reading the last 3*4 pages of posts....Lots going on.  I will post tomorrow.  All is well here. Yesterday was wavy with anxiety and my head pressure came back for a visit. Some d/r and d/p with moderate depression. . I was thinking, " oh, no ...days of misery coming and I will have to retract the positives I wrote about month 8.5.. 

.Not so...today has been one of my best days...no head pressure.  no anxiety ( excepting momentary shots of adrenaline out of the blue...lasting about 30 seconds at a time) ..very very little health fear...calm and feeling normal normal normal.....It seems as though my good days are showing up closer and closer together.  ..

    .Thinking of everyone and wishing all a peaceful night....more tomorrow..coop

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... my wave is not over ... felt quite bright and chipper for several hours late yesterday ... then broken sleep all night ... and could feel the "flu" creeping in ... it is here with all horns blazing this morning ...

 

Oh well ... got a few hours of respite ... gonna have to stay put for a while ... no energy at all ... took three tries to empty the dishwasher ...

 

All the familiar symptoms and the nagging health fear ...

 

For me a reminder that even though I am now 9 months out I am still sick ... and I am getting better ...

 

Will take it easy today and get through these next hours ...

 

Wishing a good day for all of us ...

[[am...]]

Hi Nova - sorry you are suffering. I am in a bad wave too. I have to learn how to not get too worked up about not being able to sleep much lately. It certainly isn't life threatening, but it is causing me some bad anxiety. Possibly the worst I have had since I jumped. I have to be in a wave to be getting this worked up at night and not be able to sleep. I can feel that the anxiety is the chemical kind from what has happened to my body from withdrawal. Just more intense than I can remember from prebenzo days. You are right, we are still sick and we need to cut ourselves some slack instead of thinking that we are defective beings. Why do we do that to ourselves? Good healing everyone.

[[No...]]

Ama ... we are not "defective" ... maybe a little crinkled around the edges some days ... yeah the anxiety is a difficult struggle ...

 

Have a good Wednesday.

[[...]]

Sorry you aren't feeling well Nova, Mommy, Drew, and Life! I sure hope for relief soon for you!!

 

This darn experience is so confusing!! Healing, healing, healing!!!!

 

:smitten:

[[...]]

Peace I will be anxious to see how you are doing on the ginkgo!

 

AMA, sorry you are not feeling well!! Hoping for quick relief!!

 

[[Fr...]]

I see many of us are wavy today.  Sending healing prayers your way.

 

Coop - great that you are feeling well!  You are paving the way for the rest of us.  Keep it up.  You're doing so good.  You're  a beacon of hope.

 

I'm feeling flu-like and awful today.  Not fun, but it will pass.

 

xo to all,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Hi Lisa ... we will get through this ... have a good day ... wishing you well ...

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Nova - you too, feel better soon.  It sounds like we're feeling similar today.

 

Yesterday I felt quite well.

 

It's up and down and over again.

 

Lisa

[[...]]

Lisa, I'm sorry you aren't well, my prayers are with you for quick healing!!

 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks GMIT.  I'm happy that you're doing so well.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

I'm getting my MRI today. Was supposed to do it with and without contrast. Then I read that contrast can cause a reaction in sensitive individuals. I think that's me. So, I'm going to decline that part of the test. I think it's best but I also feel like a paranoid freak.

 

This is just too much,

Peace2

[[li...]]

Hi all,

So I"m in a wave..Ha!  I figured it out this morning after I woke AGAIN at 3am.  My last wave was about 6 weeks ago.  I measure my progress by baseline percentage, being 'symptomatic' above a 2, 'spiking' where I am normal and then have s/x out of no where that go away within a few hours and the 'wave'.  Wave's for me last more then one day and have a gradual cranking up with no let up in symptoms.

 

Yesterday was full of panic and an inability to concentrate, uneasiness, etc.  I listed all the items that were freaking me out and dealt with each one as I could i.e.:  I need to work on my son's preschool website but I couldn't face it, so I sent an email to the office saying I was under the weather.  I needed to go to the grocery store, but waited until today.  I didn't understand what Vertigo was saying so I had someone else look it and get back to me..haha.  It goes on like that. 

 

I was so desperately tired from over a week (I think) of no sleep and waking at 3am like clock work EVERY NIGHT.  My husband had to leave on a trip.  My mom is here so I put the 3 year old to bed early and told my mom the 7 year old was hers.  Then next thing I know.. I'M AWAKE..UGH!

 

Is it a bad wave? No, but it's unpleasant and made me not want to leave the house and I have that choking sensation in my throat.  I woke up to what felt like a wrench tightening in my back and panic that I can't describe.  I wanted my husband to be near me desperately.  It felt like I would break if I couldn't see or talk to him.  Absolute torture.  I used a tactic my counselor shared with me and did meditation until the calm came.  I then fell back to sleep for an hour and woke to my kids.  The good news is that yuck that has been settling on my head was very lite.  Almost like it was trying to find a place to land but it couldn't. 

 

I got up and the glorious sun was shining. I"m sorry California is in a drought but when a wave is present I feel invisible, alone, small and sometimes in the deepest, darkest hole the earth can hold... like the belly of the whale.  I have to open the windows and doors and invite the world in like I'm begging it to see and notice me. 

 

I decided to drink my cup of coffee because it focuses my mind and my heart wasn't pounding so I did it!  My mom and I had our devotions and started talking like we always do.  Thank you God for my family. 

 

I've been reading over the posts and I find it interesting how many of us are experiencing panic and fear.  Are we all on the west coast?  Is something in the air? 

 

Peace- Soooooooo glad the depression has lifted.  Totally understand only being able to focus on certain things.  I hope the gingko works for you.  Whatever it takes.  And WOW, starting a job.  Big, huge, deal.  I am always impressed at the people who are able to work and go thru this. 

 

Nova- My 9 months is Thursday!  I get that chocking thing too.  I remember reading that people had trouble eating eggs because it caused some kind of energy.  Will have to find that post.  I read it during my taper, but I was so ill back then and I was eating maybe 600 calories a day.  If all I could stomach was an egg, so be it.  I also ate a lot of tuna.  Brain food!

 

Free- Definitely physical and psychological.  I used to get a one, two, three punch (headache, nausea, chest pain) and then I'd feel the emotional card shuffle on my brain where it was deciding which emotion I would be tortured with for the day (panic, fear, anxiety, depression).  I was always grateful for the physical to take my mind off the emotional. 

 

Drew - I'm sure your brain will settle down.  Here's to rest and this being only a blip during your vacation.

 

Life - I looked up CBT and ACT to try to understand what you and Vertigo were referencing.  CBT sounds similar to what my counselor uses.  She told me the there are 5 (I think) ways to help someone.  Infact, it was an involuntary visualization experience that shut my cortisol rush down the night before last and I believe it's why today's was less.  I do not understand the ACT process.  I'm sorry you experienced a big 'stressor'.  Please keep us posted on how it's going. 

 

Over all I would say my wave is 4-5 out of 10.  Obsessive thoughts are less today and sharp objects aren't totally freaking me out like yesterday.  (Those two s/x are usually constants for me if I am 'symptomatic').

 

Okay, time to get one my kids into bed.  I am going to find a new Korean drama to watch because it makes me focus on the subtitles and nothing else.  Praying for sleep for all of us.  I have a buddy who is really really struggling with insomnia at 13months out.  Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers too. 

 

If I left anybody comments out I"m sorry.  You are all so important and worth having each situation spoken to.  Ama- my comments below this response don't back that far, but I hope you are doing better.

 

MommyR

 

 

Mommyr, that is the attitude. Keep forging forward! All is well here and the window that started on the 5th of July is alive and kicking.

 

 

peace, Jenny, Nova, Free, GMIT and Coop and all! I pray that large windows come your way and that healing continues faster than ever!

 

Life

 

[[Fr...]]

Excellent Life!  That is so wonderful.  I'm happy that you're feeling so vibrant.

 

Lisa

[[...]]

Wonderful Life!!! Love that you are so well!!

 

Peace, you need to do what you need to to take care of yourself!! It's not paranoid!!

 

Lisa, sending a window your way!!

 

:smitten:

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

Sure does seem like we are all a little wavy, feels like my wave may have lifted a little which after spending a week in acute isn't much, but I'll take it. Well, I've come to the conclusion that at 10 months out and feeling really good for a long time I still have way more healing to be done. I still can't believe how evil these drugs are-pure evil. I hope you all feel better today, you are all in my thoughts.  Peace-- I don't think your being paranoid, I have read the same thing about dyes, I think your doing the right thing.

[[...]]

Jenny, I'm so happy you have improved!! Scary to think you can have so much healing happen and then backslide! Wow!

 

Hopefully this was your last wave and you just do great from here!!