6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

GMIT,

I remember when the window/wave thing started after I finished my taper and someone told me the windows are always a good sign.  Yes, stay in the now.  It's so important (said I to myself). 

 

The kids help me do that.  I had to have my cup of coffee.  It sharpens my mind.  I'm going to do only what I have to today..dishes, laundry.  My youngest slept in.  He might have a cold.  I was glad because I don't feel like taking him to preschool.  My kids have the best energy and it motivates me.  When I did my taper I couldn't be around them.  My mom gave me a $1000 and I put them in daycare for the summer.  It was too intense to cater to them.  Now, I love them needing me. 

 

The preschool I found a few months ago needed someone to manage their website, so I do it in trade for childcare.  Today I want them here. 

 

Peace:  I've been thinking about you.  Depression is not one that I deal with often, but when it comes it is extremely unpleasant.  However, it is also the one I find easiest to affect with exercise.  I can honestly say that I feel the good stuff firing off when I walk briskly.  If you are able to walk, please give it a try.  Hang in there.

 

 

MommyR

[[...]]

Yes! I will stay in the window and stay positive!!

 

Glad you have the kids!!! So wonderful!

 

[[ve...]]

Hang in there MommyR.  Sounds like you have your faith to help you get through some of the rough times.  Flying can be very challenging for those who are either fearful of flying itself or the aspect of feeling out of control, being claustrophobic or closed in.... and just the stress of many hours now needed to go even on a short trip these days,  when factoring in the time to drive to the airport, the airport security, flying itself, renting cars...  it can all add to fatigue and stress.  I know some folks who are healing, avoid travel and this kind of travel stress until they are feeling more "fully healed".  It can be frustrating when one does feel more or less healed or "close to normal", yet to still have those unexpected spikes in anxiety or if it gets out of hand, even lean more towards panicky type sensations.  I fortunately have not had a lot of panic before or during taper but I experienced a couple of unexpected mini panic type sensations twice in the first six months off valium.  I found that mindfulness, abdominal breathing and reframing the situation were all helpful to some degree.  As the heart beats faster, perhaps sweat increases, scary thoughts come to mind... it can be helpful to remain both present and connect with the observer which can mindfully see some of the processes going on.  Ultimately, if your faith and connection to a higher power is reassuring, whatever seems to help can be a good resource.  One of the main things about panic is that avoiding it or thinking that one is 100% healed so one "should never experience anxiety, fear or panic" is paradoxically counterproductive.  The goal is not to never feel panic or fear, but rather to feel confident that one can cope with it or whatever comes.  Faith can be helpful in this case as well as mindful approaches.  What you resist persists so remember to stay clear on what and how one defines being "healed".  For me, it was not trying to avoid or resist or reject any thoughts or feelings, whether fear based or anxiety driven. 

 

Give yourself credit for taking the trip along with whatever feelings, fears or panic that might have occured.  That is half the battle, doing the things that are important to you and that you value for yourself and your family.  Sometimes one simply needs to take along some of the unpleasant fearful thoughts that come along.  The more one accepts those thoughts and worries, they become disarmed because one realizes one can accept them and still do what one wants to do, if that makes sense.  I have found the ACT approach (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to be helpful in my recovery.  I have posted about it on my success thread here on forum.

 

Best wishes,

 

Vertigo

[[be...]]

Hi all,

Do any of you get tired of paying so much attention to yourself.

I'm so sick of this me me me everyday.

I just want my life back so badly.

Much healing to all.

[[je...]]

Vertigo-- how long was your setback for in month 9?

Do you guys think a major setback will put you back at square on? Iam kinda panicking today as I feel I am back where I was 10 months ago. I hope I don't have to start all over... I'm so scared

[[li...]]

Hang in there MommyR.  Sounds like you have your faith to help you get through some of the rough times.  Flying can be very challenging for those who are either fearful of flying itself or the aspect of feeling out of control, being claustrophobic or closed in.... and just the stress of many hours now needed to go even on a short trip these days,  when factoring in the time to drive to the airport, the airport security, flying itself, renting cars...  it can all add to fatigue and stress.  I know some folks who are healing, avoid travel and this kind of travel stress until they are feeling more "fully healed".  It can be frustrating when one does feel more or less healed or "close to normal", yet to still have those unexpected spikes in anxiety or if it gets out of hand, even lean more towards panicky type sensations.  I fortunately have not had a lot of panic before or during taper but I experienced a couple of unexpected mini panic type sensations twice in the first six months off valium.  I found that mindfulness, abdominal breathing and reframing the situation were all helpful to some degree.  As the heart beats faster, perhaps sweat increases, scary thoughts come to mind... it can be helpful to remain both present and connect with the observer which can mindfully see some of the processes going on.  Ultimately, if your faith and connection to a higher power is reassuring, whatever seems to help can be a good resource.  One of the main things about panic is that avoiding it or thinking that one is 100% healed so one "should never experience anxiety, fear or panic" is paradoxically counterproductive.  The goal is not to never feel panic or fear, but rather to feel confident that one can cope with it or whatever comes.  Faith can be helpful in this case as well as mindful approaches.  What you resist persists so remember to stay clear on what and how one defines being "healed".  For me, it was not trying to avoid or resist or reject any thoughts or feelings, whether fear based or anxiety driven. 

 

Give yourself credit for taking the trip along with whatever feelings, fears or panic that might have occured.  That is half the battle, doing the things that are important to you and that you value for yourself and your family.  Sometimes one simply needs to take along some of the unpleasant fearful thoughts that come along.  The more one accepts those thoughts and worries, they become disarmed because one realizes one can accept them and still do what one wants to do, if that makes sense.  I have found the ACT approach (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to be helpful in my recovery.  I have posted about it on my success thread here on forum.

 

Best wishes,

 

Vertigo

 

 

What we resists persist .. so true. Excellent post. I also think that faith and  therapy is essential in recovery.

 

life

[[li...]]

Hi all,

Do any of you get tired of paying so much attention to yourself.

I'm so sick of this me me me everyday.

I just want my life back so badly.

Much healing to all.

Beulah,

 

 

Its hard sometimes to get our of yourself while in recovery as the thoughts are so intense. I find that forcing myself to be mindful of my environment helps tremendously. You can by the book The Power of Now. Its a great book and easy to read.

 

love,

 

life

[[Mo...]]

Vertigo and Life.. will process your words later.  Lot's of panic today.  Trying to stay busy.  Not pleasant. 

[[...]]

Hello Vertigo and Life! I hope you are well!

 

Mommy, I hope you get quick relief!!

 

[[be...]]

Life, thank you. I try to focus on other people and things and it always comes back to "me".

I'm just not use to giving myself so much attention. I like it when I visit with my granddaughter because she requires a lot of attention and I'm able to not focus on myself so much.

I will take a look at the book you recommend.

[[No...]]

Jenny ... I have been having the same thoughts ... "back in acute" ... "back to square one" ... "starting over" ...

 

My benzo belly is so bloated today my back aches ... and my neck "feels" triple in size ... although it isn't ... the return of the body issues ... these sensations feel like the return of so much out of the past few months ... I believe the "lies" say they are the same ... I don't know what to believe ... lots of "doubt" ...

 

I have almost 9 months in this ... the difference for me is that the side-effects have been letting up by early evening ... well, its early evening here and I am still waiting today ...

 

Not a "good" day ... I want to say "oh well" ... but my heart isn't in it ...

[[je...]]

Nova-- I'm sorry you are feeling badly too. The lies are weighing heavily on my mind today as well. I pray we both find some my  needed relief soon my friend 

[[No...]]

Jenny ... we will ... we always have ... all we can do right now is ride it out ... and maybe find a little distraction ...

 

[[pe...]]

Life- thank you for posting that response. I really appreciate all of those reminders that we're on our way. Today I am not deeply depressed and I take that as a huge win. I am suffering with huge fatigue and a cement block in my head which is head pressure and the inability to think about anything that requires thinking. I can emote love and appreciate flowers, but today is not te day I can understand a child's story book or drive. Thank the good (great) Lord for my husband! I went to swim lessons and they're both doing so well! I did the brain breaking work of selecting beads for a project I'm about 2 months late on. I washed the kitchen floor which is hands down my favorite distraction. If washing the kitchen floor was my only responsibility for the next year, I would be so pleased.

 

Nova and Jenny- I know you are both healing. I know it is only a matter of time. I have read of so many people being thrown back into what felt like acute, only to recover with a much better baseline and continue on. I am hoping your breaks are right around the corner. You are two of the sweetest and most courageous people I know. Better moments are coming. Like Nova said, it always changes and you know what to do in the meantime. You hang on!

 

MommyR,

I've got you in my thoughts today too.

 

Peace to each of us as we move through another day. 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Nova and Jenny,

 

I am sorry that you feel this way now. I know that on the 4th of July I hit a very heavy depression that scared me. It only lasted 2 days and I still remember saying " This is going to last forever". It did not and I got much better. Hang in there. It is so hard to have this happen so late in our recovery. We must focus on the light at the end of the cave. We are healing!

 

Life

[[dr...]]

I have been reading all the posts but not commenting because I've been fortunate never to have the depression.  It sounds awful and I truly wish everyone here comes out of it soon.

 

Drew

[[No...]]

Thank you Peace and Life .. I can never have too much reassurance and love ...

 

I shut down last night before any "release" occurred ... got four hours sleep but did not get back to sleep as has been happening lately ... riding this one out ...

[[No...]]

Jenny ... are you getting any rest ... I "released" some while sleeping ... but tonight the energy is still moving around in the background ...

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got some more sleep ... woke already revved up ... "swollen" throat, anxiety and rubber legs ... nothing to do but start another jigsaw puzzle ... my best distraction ... jigsaw puzzles on my computer ...

 

Have a good Tuesday, Folks

[[No...]]

This is getting a bit silly ... went out to make my breakfast ... took eggs and bacon out of fridge ... and the full benzo-bloat flashed on ... hadn't even cracked an egg ...

 

I am beginning to suspect the "cns-engineers" in charge of this process are on the "sauce" ... 

 

While my wife and I were laughing about this my ears and sinus plugged up ...

 

Back in my fox-hole for another day ...

 

 

[[am...]]

Good Morning Nova - Sorry to hear you have been in bad shape recently. I think I am beginning to suffer from some of the insomnia that I see you post about here frequently. That stuff makes for some really long nights and is getting old fast. I too have been in a bad wave and I thought I was healing nicely at 7 months out. Now I am really questioning my healing timeline with bad fear that I never had before and fairly bad insomnia. Get better everyone.   

[[No...]]

Hi Ama ... yeah the insomnia is a beast ... and it will get better again ... mine always does ... I am "swimming" in a wave almost two weeks old ... my job is to keep the "fear" beast away and keep treading ...

 

I will be 9 months out tomorrow ... pretty good for an old fella ... 

 

I have found that when I start "questioning" it just turns into an argument with the "Lie Beast" ... can't win that one so I just stop questioning as much as I can ...

 

Take Care ... we will all see better days ...

[[pe...]]

Ama and Nova - I'm so sorry about your insomnia. I had it terribly while on klonopin and during my taper. I took Remeron, melatonin and over the counter things too. They made me feel terrible during the day and I knew it wasn't a good long term plan anyway. Now, I do alternate nostril breathing. I highly recommend it. I turn out the light, sit up in bed with my pillow behind my back. I do my breathing and then lie down to sleep. It might be worth a try. I've posted link to info on it on this thread in the past.

 

Hope things smooth out for both of you.

Peace2

[[am...]]

Yes, questioning doesn't solve anything. It is truly bizarre how our brains get hijacked to where we have to feel like we are fighting with someone or something else that is trying to control it. I have read here about people posting about fear for a long time and I never really understood it cause I never really had it. I thought that people were just allowing their anxiety to get out of control. Now I totally get it. Not sure if it is from excess glutamate or a damaged amygdala or what, but it totally sucks to be scared of life for no reason. How can we go from being real confident about everything to feeling like a scared little kid hours later??? Good healing all.   

[[am...]]

Ama and Nova - I'm so sorry about your insomnia. I had it terribly while on klonopin and during my taper. I took Remeron, melatonin and over the counter things too. They made me feel terrible during the day and I knew it wasn't a good long term plan anyway. Now, I do alternate nostril breathing. I highly recommend it. I turn out the light, sit up in bed with my pillow behind my back. I do my breathing and then lie down to sleep. It might be worth a try. I've posted link to info on it on this thread in the past.

 

Hope things smooth out for both of you.

Peace2

 

Hi Peace - I will look into alternate breathing, thank you. I don't have any problem falling to sleep, but I keep waking up about 3:00Am wide awake and can't get back to sleep. Possibly it is because of the cortisol surge I have been reading about here from other people. Either way, I am ready to be done with the long nights. Get well soon.