6-12 month thread....

[[Fr...]]

Jenny - I'm glad you made it through the party ok and hope you feel better soon.

Drew - so good to hear that the trip is going well for you.

Coop - feel better soon.

Peace  - I'm happy things are lifting.

 

Morning everybody.

 

I was quiet yesterday because a wonderful window opened for me the night before.  I slept well, woke up feeling pretty good although still a tad nervous but as the day progressed felt better and better.  I had a nice day with my husband bike riding a bit, eating breakfast and lunch out, sipping decaf herbal tea in the park and talking with him, walking around town and taking a long walk at dusk.

 

What happens in windows is that around late afternoon I get tired and have to lay down on the couch and watch tv or movies, my husband makes dinner for us.

 

When the tired begins, I realize the window will be closing.  It's sad.

 

Anyhow, sleep was interrupted and now this morning I am sick again.  So tired of this repeat.

 

I'm going to church anyhow then resting all day.

 

xo to you all,

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Jenny...your pattern is (Imo) a nice indication of healing. You are right where I was at the beginning of month 7. I was still having tough days but a pattern began to emerge gradually. Mornings were iffy and afternoons were better with half day window sometimes. I could tell too,  when I got tired it was like a cloud moving over my window. Things were better in month 8 and now at month 8.5 I still have days but windows are more frequent and s/x are not as intense and some are dropping off ( knock on wood). So happy for you that you are actually seeing and feeling some improvement. Sounds like you had a really nice day yesterday. .You will continue to have those nice days...coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...I hear ya....acceptance...acceptance..time ...time ..time. I finally came to the same conclusion...I can have no influence what so ever on this crazy process. All I can do is get through it with any survival technique I can grab on to. ..so frustrating as I have always solved problems with proactive strategies...even frustration over the process seems to delay moving forward. I just try to get as much comfort and momentary relief as possible...I also post as much for myself as I do for my friends. I learned early in my taper that for some reason I could not focus on my s/x and writting on my Kindle at the same time. Posting on the forum became both a distraction and a survival support.

....We love your posts ...so keep posting ...please...sending you good thoughts for loooong windows and ' bounce '....coop

[[li...]]

All,

 

I need some advice. I am going to have surgery on August 8th due to a torn meniscus -- my knee. I was wondering what I should do? Does  anesthesia have benzos? I hope not. Should I stay awake during the procedure? Is there anything I should convey to the doctor?

 

life

[[ro...]]

Hi buddies..I have a question please...I am still tapering, down to 7mgs from 10 mgs valium and prior..12 yrs ativan..

I am very depressed, have many ruminating thoughts of pasr mistakes, what ifs, if onlys, should haves...about my grown son, my marriage, career, now at 62..Dont know if I am just empty nest, chaneg of life, lots of adverse family situations, problems now in addition to taper...

Knowing w/d can cause sadness and this frozen depressed feeling, esp valium I think, but does total w/d, jumping off...does the depression lessen? Will most of these feelings go away?

I just wonder if it is better, not perfect, but is there a lifting of the dark moods, etc..

Mornings are worse and the fact I am not working out of home, everyone gone..etc.

No one to understand here at home or help from others, some help from hubby with market and pet.I feel worried..At first I thought getting off the benzo would lift my mood, does this happen??

Please any replies grateful 

 

rose

[[je...]]

Hi buddies..I have a question please...I am still tapering, down to 7mgs from 10 mgs valium and prior..12 yrs ativan..

I am very depressed, have many ruminating thoughts of pasr mistakes, what ifs, if onlys, should haves...about my grown son, my marriage, career, now at 62..Dont know if I am just empty nest, chaneg of life, lots of adverse family situations, problems now in addition to taper...

Knowing w/d can cause sadness and this frozen depressed feeling, esp valium I think, but does total w/d, jumping off...does the depression lessen? Will most of these feelings go away?

I just wonder if it is better, not perfect, but is there a lifting of the dark moods, etc..

Mornings are worse and the fact I am not working out of home, everyone gone..etc.

No one to understand here at home or help from others, some help from hubby with market and pet.I feel worried..At first I thought getting off the benzo would lift my mood, does this happen??

Please any replies grateful 

 

rose

 

 

Hi rosegal,

I was depressed for 2 years while in tolerance on the benzos and never got a break from it. Post jump I still had depression, but I would get breaks or windows. Slowly I had less and less depressed days and then at 6 months out my depression lifted over night. So yes I think once you come off the Valium you may still have some depression, but I do believe it will be better than while on the benzos and you should continue to improve over time. Best wishes, jenny

[[je...]]

Coop, thank you for your kind words.

Life, I'm not sure about the surgery, maybe put a post on the main board? I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

[[Co...]]

Life...my friend,'s husband who w/d from ativan last year and is 6 months out from depakoate had surgery a few weeks ago. He told his surgeon and anesthesiologist that he was w/ding from benzos and they both respected his wish for the alternatives as best they could. I think he had benadryl for pre-op instead of benzos. Ashton says that one time benzo for surgeries does not adversely effect w/d... .I would just tell your physician of your concerns and hope s/he respects them

.....good luck with the surgery..  we will be thinking of you.. .love to you...coop

[[pe...]]

Lisa- congratulations on your happy window day. What a blessing!

[[je...]]

Yes Lisa, so happy for your window! Let's hope another one opens up today for you

[[ro...]]

Coop, thank you for reply.. I know I may be depressed over situations as I get older and things come up, I just hoped that some of this benzo blues lets up..You sound as you have a grip on this,,I hope I can do what ypou have done..I keep  going trying to remind myself what the buddies say here.

Thanks Coop

hug  rose

[[pe...]]

Life- I don't know about surgery and benzos. Coop's info is what I've also seen on the forums. Jenny's suggestion to post on the boards is also sound.

 

Life- I have a question for you. With all my other symptoms, I just know one day they'll go away. But the depression is the one I worry I'll have for good. It's so tenacious. Do you think it would have gradually gotten better for you with or without the gabapentin? Do you know of any bb's who had bad depression past month six that eventually went away on its own?

Jenny is a pretty good example, but I'm past month six and still in the weeds with it. It lightens and deepens but it's really never far.

 

Peace

[[dr...]]

Aloha to everyone. I knew there was a reason I joined here. Although I'm only in month three(soon 4) my state of symptoms is very similar to most of you. Cycling in and out of windows and other stuff.  I think my very long taper may have reduced my healing time. Fingers crossed.

 

Coop-I know exactly what your saying!  I've tried to control how I feel and within reason you just can't. The time has to pass. It's a huge mind shift and hard to sustain.

 

Lisa-yay on window!

 

 

I already had a moment.....I was walking along a lush beach path and it was drizzling.  For some reason I only saw one other person(it's a 40 acre resort) and  it was so peaceful.  Just the sound of the waves, wind blowing what bit of hair I have, flying fish in the ocean, and the smell was of tropical rain/flowers.  It was true peace. 

 

It's raining now bit I'm on my balcony with birds and coffee. No plans and no thinking for me.

 

To all of us I hope we have a symptom free day as possible.

 

We are all one day closer to being healed.

 

Drew

 

 

 

 

 

[[ro...]]

Drew, I can visulize, it sounds lovely. So happy for you , enjoy enjoy, hope I can be free to someday.thank you for the refreshing possibilty....  rose

[[li...]]

Hi buddies..I have a question please...I am still tapering, down to 7mgs from 10 mgs valium and prior..12 yrs ativan..

I am very depressed, have many ruminating thoughts of pasr mistakes, what ifs, if onlys, should haves...about my grown son, my marriage, career, now at 62..Dont know if I am just empty nest, chaneg of life, lots of adverse family situations, problems now in addition to taper...

Knowing w/d can cause sadness and this frozen depressed feeling, esp valium I think, but does total w/d, jumping off...does the depression lessen? Will most of these feelings go away?

I just wonder if it is better, not perfect, but is there a lifting of the dark moods, etc..

Mornings are worse and the fact I am not working out of home, everyone gone..etc.

No one to understand here at home or help from others, some help from hubby with market and pet.I feel worried..At first I thought getting off the benzo would lift my mood, does this happen??

Please any replies grateful 

 

rose

 

Rosegal,

 

I am sorry for your despair with depression. It is such a hard symptom to endure. It 100% lessons but everyone is different. Some people have depression early on and some like me have it as a last symptom. I have no other symptoms and I am generally feeling well -- about 75% or up 5% this month -- month 10 off. I get depression in the past two months every 10 -15 days for 2 -3 days. I am in a window now for about 16 days -- so I have not ben depressed since then. The best thing to do is to get off this benzo poison. It is a hard journey -- but many feel better right after acute but some like on this thread it may last as long as 14 months. The symptoms get much much better though with time. We all will heal.

 

Life

 

Life

[[ro...]]

Life..encouraging..I surely am trying , been at his for two yrs..1and1/2 trs in tolerance, now 6 months into taper .

I have read this many times, but just need some reassurance .

Im happy you made it off these meds and are continued healing, seeing windows and better health

Nice to hear from you  rose

[[li...]]

Life- I don't know about surgery and benzos. Coop's info is what I've also seen on the forums. Jenny's suggestion to post on the boards is also sound.

 

Life- I have a question for you. With all my other symptoms, I just know one day they'll go away. But the depression is the one I worry I'll have for good. It's so tenacious. Do you think it would have gradually gotten better for you with or without the gabapentin? Do you know of any bb's who had bad depression past month six that eventually went away on its own?

Jenny is a pretty good example, but I'm past month six and still in the weeds with it. It lightens and deepens but it's really never far.

 

Peace

 

Jenny my depression started when I was 6 months out. First, this whole process is depressing. So to say that the ups and down will not effect mood is to say that chaos is all good and acceptable. I think what we all feel is quite reasonable reaction to all this crap. I mean, one day we are feeling good and then we decide to get off this crap and all hell breaks out. Non of us is happy that we are going through this. When I get depressed I think that it will last forever. So it is perfectly normal to feel that way -- think about it if we are depressed we have to be thinking "catastrophising thoughts". That is why it is called depression. You will "snap out" of this because this depression is more benzo related. As your symptoms resolve so will your depression. I have a theory on why it is my last symptom. I think the brain finally has time to react to the trauma it has endured due to all the stress. It shuts down to protect itself and then we finally emerge healed. The gabapentin was good for me but I am not sure how good. It helped but I am not sure I would recommend it. There is addiction potential. I just think you are in a crucial turn around timeframe for healing.

 

life

 

 

[[ro...]]

Life.....

[[Co...]]

Drew...what a great place for a little healing! ...So happy for you..." on the balcony with coffee ".  Real coffee.  not decaf?. .Kona coffee...man what a dream....( my dog is named Kona because his coloring is that of deep rich Kona coffee.. I am still just with decaf.. but a month ago I couldn't even do decaf.  So I am actually very thankful to tolerate decaf...some day I will have my Sumatran and Kona back. 

.......enjoy enjoy...coop

[[dr...]]

Yes coop, I'm up to half reg/half decaf and it's a Hawaiian blend here. It tastes so much better than all decaf. I drank just decaf for twenty years.  I lied to myself the whole time or maybe I just forgot how good reg coffee tasted. 

 

It doesn't bother me. It revs me up but I know it's the caffeine but it's not an anxious rev. It lessens my cog fog and gives me a feeling of happiness.  I read it raises serotonin and I believe it. My general mood is much more one if well being even with a slight caffeine buzz.

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Drew, your trip sounds like you're in heaven.  I used to love island vacation; now I can't relax enough to enjoy sitting on a lounge chair.  I'm glad you're able to take all that in and enjoy it.

 

Coop - I sure hope to keep improving - actually I'd like to see something substantial enough so I will believe.  I hope your days keep getting better.

 

xo to all,

lisa

[[pe...]]

Life- it was me, Peace, with the depression question. But I'm sure I'm not the only one wondering about how this depression might roll. Do you drink coffee? I forget.

Congrats on your super long window. It's a record breaker! I'm so happy for you.

 

Drew- sounds like your trip is going very well. You paint a great picture of your time their. Reading about your vacation is giving me little vacations from my symptoms.

 

Lisa- you are doing great! You've had so many windows. If I had even one clear window I think I'd be incredibly reassured of where I was headed. You, my dear, are headed towards healing. You've got this!!!

 

Peace3

[[li...]]

Peace, it so funny that you ask about coffee but yes I do drink coffee. I drank a bit too much today and it was a bit jittery this afternnon. Not anxiety but normal "too much coffee jittery" - my son gave me a gift card at Starbucks -- so what do I have to do ? Spend it all today!

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Peace and Lisa...about depression..it is just a torture and it is different with each one of us. I can only speak for myself,  but maybe it will be somewhat reassuring. First of all when you are in a depression wave ( or any kind of a wave),  it seems that you have been depressed forever and will continue to be depressed forever.No amount of self talk actually helps ( in my experience). Then a little sunbreak comes along ...and then...slam back to depression., making it worse.  ....I had a few weeks of crippling deep depression with intrusive thoughts of death and dying,  guilt about not being a good mother to my children ( I was actually a very good mom like you Peace and Jenny...and Lisa..and Rose..). Sometimes just a random word crossing my mind would fill me with dread and remorse..not even just bad words...any word could do it...how crazy is that. Those 2-3 weeks it was 24/7....In month 4 it lifted to just 3-4 days at a time but with same intensity...month 5 a little better...month 6 blue hell descended on me with every s/x including depression like I experienced in months 2.5-5. ...What is it with month 6?....Month 7 was somewhat better than month 6 but completely unpredictable and chaotic. Still days of depression but sometimes not lasting all day...sometimes lasting 2-3 days in a row.....Month 8 has seen some stable improvement with depression...I am 8.5 months out. I still get depression but it is more momentary or a few hours at a time. The last time I had 24 hours of depression was maybe 4 weeks ago. When I do have depression it is all the thoughts and fears I had in months 2.5-5, but much less intense if that makes sense...same thoughts but they just don't penetrate my entire being. Its like I have a distance on them and can recognize them as thoughts rather than dire predictions and premonitions...I am now able to function and go about my day when I have depression. In fact being busy helps distract me from depressing thoughts. I think that is the difference for me between month 6 and month 8.5. In month 6 depression was my being. In month 8.5 it is more depressing thoughts that come and go with mild to moderate d/r d/p. I am not saying that it doesn't bother me when I have it. I am saying that I have noticed a definite change in the depth and endurance of depression at month 8.5...

.....My heady is with all of you who are feeling trapped in depression...it is debilitating...I hope it starts fading for everyone. ...Just a note of encouragement. ...At month 8.5 for me,  there is measurable...perceptable...functional improvement...really big difference between month 6 and month 8.5. It has been gradual ..and it is only recently ( last 2 weeks) that I have been able to recognize it and a tiny bit trust it. It was when my head pressure began to ease that I revognized that many of my other s/x were less intense..less frequent or beginning to drop off. I am far from healed but my baseline is reliably better ( knock on wood). I am not having big sunny windows that last for days..but I do get half day windows and some all day windows. My improvement is definitely seen on my baseline...70-75%  most days. My mornings are usually symptomatic ..but giving way to that 70-75% baseline nearly every day. Times are still tough but I am more hopeful than I have been at any time along w/d.

....Hold on Peace..Jenny...Lisa..Rose...I think it really does get better...wish I had a magic dust wand ..I would wave it over every one of us...we could simply click our red shoes together and go back to our lives in ' Kansas ' .....love to all...coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop,

 

Thanks for all this - this means a lot to me today as I am really struggling with the head issues, pressure, thoughts and overall unwellness---

 

When I do have depression it is all the thoughts and fears I had in months 2.5-5, but much less intense if that makes sense...same thoughts but they just don't penetrate my entire being. Its like I have a distance on them and can recognize them as thoughts

 

---it reassures me to hear the intensity of all the negative symptoms has gone down and that things are becoming more manageable for you.  Your kindness and generosity in offering us hope is greatly appreciated.  May you continue to feel better with each day.

 

Lisa