6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... had a good two part five hour sleep ... any bears need wrestling ... I'm your man ...

 

I am so much more "grounded" than I was three months ago ... this is a hard wave I am in right now ... so much fear and doubt and negative thoughts and the lousy symptoms ... and if I had drugs in the apartment I do not know if I could have resisted ... but I don't have to worry about that ... I avoided all the traps ... no drugs ... no ER ... no time off work ...

 

I got past my birthday drug-free ... I am so much stronger, my baseline is firmly there ... the struggle certainly continues ... and now I have myself on my side ... and Mrs Nova ... and each and every precious one of you ...

 

One more stone on my healing cairn ...

[[...]]

You should be so proud Nova! You have come so far!!

 

I'm glad you are feeling better!

 

:smitten:

[[Fr...]]

HH - that is a wonderful post and it gives me such encouragement today.

 

Coop - it's great that you're seeing those windows flow together - so happy for you!

 

Nova - wonderful that you're feeling more grounded - that window is just around the corner for you.

 

Thanks for your support everyone.  Today the physical symptoms are way down but I'm feeling so down this morning.  When does this lift?  What happened to two days ago?  How can the brain chemistry shift so dramatically?

 

I need a big wide open window that stays and stays.

 

 

[[li...]]

Life...I know how hard it is to believe that healing happens when you are in a wave.. nearly impossible...and when you are in a window you cant quite recall what the last wave was like. There are excellent success stories on the success board,  but the thing that is helping me most is seeing the day to day progress of the buddies in this group. We are all showing definite healing. I still have waves and bad days but when I look back in my progress. journal and realize that I am doing much better.I am less able to .realize this in a wave...Obssessive fear is part of the w/d...I have had obssessive health fear from day one and I still get it with physical s/x but not as often and I weather them better..unless I am in a wave. What you are feeling..the fear of not healing is the w/d. ...Does it lessen or go away when you have a sunbreak or a window? ...You are going to heal Free...right along with the rest of us....you are just unable to believe it right now...

......I hope you wake up in a complete window tomorrow morning.....coop

 

Coop, it naturally lessons if the waves re not deep. But if it is a deep wave I feel like it is so real that I may not heal. The big difference is that the waves become shorter so it is easier to remember the windows. I do not know why this w/d is so black in white with feeling one way in waves and another way in window. That is why I now this is all benzos. What a crapy thing we must go through but it will make us all better people. We are healing.

 

Life

[[Fr...]]

Life - it really is a crappy thing we are going through -

 

I hope things lift for you soon.

 

Lisa

[[je...]]

Nova-- you are so strong! I hope this wave lifts soon for you

[[No...]]

Thank you Jenny ... how are you doing ... time for my "work" ... have a good day ...

[[je...]]

Feeling better the pressure has lifted a little, but it seems to get worse in the afternoon and then go away by nighttime. Definitely better than a few days ago when the depression hit me hard-- that is gone. Oh boy what a ride this is 

[[...]]

So glad things have improved Jenny!!

 

It is quite a wild ride!!

 

[[je...]]

Thanks GMIT!

[[Fr...]]

Jenny - I'm glad the depression has lifted for you - how wonderful - you fought hard and came out on the other side!

 

Today started out rough for me - awful depression - but it has lifted somewhat and I'm feeling some relief.

 

Does anyone get depressed from melatonin?

 

Lisa

[[...]]

Sorry for the depression Lisa, I'm glad it's lifting!!

 

I took melatonin for a while and it seemed great, then I was sleeping fine so I quit taking it, a couple weeks later is when my sleep issues started, then I tried it again, it didn't work.

 

[[Fr...]]

I haven't dealt much with depression thus far because physical symptoms were so strong.  Today the depression is really bad.

 

Is that from wd?  How long do these episodes last?  It's always something different.

 

Thanks guys,

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Hi Jenny-

I'm so glad your depression is lifting! It's one of the worst symptoms as far as I'm concerned.

 

Lisa- I'm sorry you're experiencing this symptom.

 

I've been experiencing a lot of depression the last two days and wanting to give up. It's the worst. I went to the neurologist and she said- sounds like you have a metabolic problem with medications and I won't be prescribing you any. Medications have thrown off the balance if your neurotransmitters and it's our best hope that your brain returns to normal on it's own in the next 12 months.

 

She ordered an MRI just to see what she can see and also neuropsych testing to see what's going on with my memory and cognitive processing. After this comes back, she'll be willing to say more about what she thinks us going on.

 

Not super helpful as of this moment, but she seems to be a believer in the meds messed me up theory.

 

I hope my buddies are doing well or at least feeling loved and supported.

 

Peace2

[[...]]

Jenny, glad you are doing better!

 

Lisa, the depression is like any other symptom, it will be different for everyone! I hope yours lifts soon!!

 

Peace, sounds,like the doc appointment went well, even though you didn't get any real answers, you made it through!!!

 

[[li...]]

Depression is an interesting w/d. I started getting it bad in the 5th month and it seems to be my only real big symptom left. It lasts about 2 days now but before it would last for a week or two. This whole process is just really hard on us. It is a deep type of chemical depression. I feel for so many that deal with this as a condition.

 

I am feeling pretty good and doing allot of things. I had something real interesting happen by my lake house where I am staying. A federal prisoner had escaped and was in our neighborhood -- here in the mountains. My son called me before I heard this and asked if he could get his friend's jet sky which was found stolen on the other side of the lake. I said yes. Then I talked to a policeman and he told me that the prisioner stole the jet ski. What  I was concerned. My son is on the way there? Then the neighbor's mom called and asked could I help her get her son who is with the person that stole the jet ski. I said what!!!!  My son is on his way there and it is a an escaped prisoner that he will find! The mom screamed as she did not know of the prisioner! I racesd over there and on the way I got a call  back from the neighbor's mom. She said he was with the cops. Wow!!!!!

 

Here is what is interesting about this story. I did not panic and I actually was pretty cool. This incideant would have thrown me into the biggest wave two months ago. Today I am happy and content and came home listening to the birds chirping. I am present.I know that we are all healing but the process is so slow that we have to look back months to see the improvement.

 

God Bless all and may God heal us all soon.

 

Life

[[je...]]

Peace-- sounds like your doctor appt went well and I think the MRI is helpful as far as seeing if there is any damage.

Lisa-- the depression is the absolute worst, I had it in tolerance for 2 years and for the first 6 months after I jumped. I honestly forgot how miserable it is after having it again recently. It is all w/d and I hope it passes soon for you.

[[...]]

Life, that's scary...and look at you!! So awesome!!

 

[[Fr...]]

Life - that is one wild story!  I'm glad the woman called the police.  I hope both sons are safe and sound.  I'm happy for you - that you weren't flustered.  That speaks volumes about how recovered you are.

 

Thanks Jenny, GMIT and Peace.  This depression stuff is awful.  Geez.

 

Oddly it was atrocious this morning but left by around noon-ish.  I ran errands and felt fine - how bizarre.  In the grocery store, for a few seconds, I had some dp/dr and fatigue but told myself that I was fine, that I wasn't anxious and it went away, because my therapist said dp/dr is basically anxiety.

 

But yeah, this is so difficult having all these symptoms and how they come on so strong.

 

Peace - it sounds like your neurologist agrees with the benzo wd concept - that's good affirmation that all this will go away.  Do you feel better now knowing?

 

Lisa

[[li...]]

Free and GMIT, I know. It was so weird.  In terms of the depression stuff -- in may ways I feel it is the worst symptom. When I got hit with the depression it was so deep. One thing that I know that has helped is forcing myslelf to be present. It is hard but it helps to take the attention of the inward and put it out there. There are many books like The Power of Now and others that can help us get there. I was never present in my past life --benzo or no benzos. I was a type A always thinking of the next thing -- running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I feel it realy helps.

 

Life

[[Fr...]]

Life - I have to agree completely.  I was a type A, perfectionist and am changing to save my life.  Being present is a much better way to be but it is also difficult.  I used to focus on material things, like my house - I wanted it magazine beautiful, rather than the life inside it beautiful.  Each time I let go it hurts a bit because I have to let my ego go.  I divert my thoughts and have to find new things to do.

 

For instance, I used to hate grocery shopping - now I'm learning to find great joy in it because it is essential in life to eat and I can please my family that way.  So I am learning new ways of being and they are better ways.

 

Lisa 

[[Co...]]

Free...you and I are traveling the same path. My window closed and this morning ...depression. ( I had depression 24/7 in month 4 and it seemed to clear up except for little bouts). Now it is back...some intrusive thoughts ..sadness...lethargy...crying...fragile and vulnerable...total mess. I thought it might be the 6 mg of atenolol but yesterday was so good. I am convinced it is w/d...and it will end. The good news is my head pressure has let up for most of the day....huge relief. I am able to deal with the depression much better than the head pressure. Same pattern...got home from PT and by then the depression was easing. This seems like a common pattern p/w...s/x in one half of the day ( morning or afternoon) that give way to a sunbreak or back to improved baseline.

.......Free I think the depression is all w/d....and I think it will end for good like our other s/x. I get d/p d/r with it too. I think going to the store was a great distraction. Staying busy and distracted seems to really help depression at least in the moment.

......I think the fact that it lifted after the first half of the day is a big indicator of healing....I hope your sunbreak turns into another window.....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace...so glad your neurologist recognizes the impact benzo has on our brains. That is at least a good beginning. Do you feel somewhat reassured?  ...

......Was your wave better after the appointment?....Time will bring healing to all of us....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova....so sorry that your wave is hanging on. An improved baseline is encouraging. I am at a similar place. Still s/x and tough days...but consistently better baseline. I think a decent daily baseline is a big lean towards healing.  Nova you are going to get another 11day window..I understand the thought of " if I had any pill stash I would consider it "....I have been there too...most recently with the head pressure anxiety. I got rid of mine months ago too. You are a Mighty Man Nova....and someday every bit of your life will come back to you...along with your bounce....coop

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for all your kind words Coop.  Yes we sure do seem to be experiencing a similar wd pattern lately.  This was sure weird tonight.  I was laying down watching a movie and felt super relaxed - enough to almost nap, which felt amazing, then a bit later a wave came on and I got real scared - but I decided it was anxiety driven, did deep breathing and it let up.  I don't know if the breathing helped or if it was coincidence and the waves are becoming shorter.

 

Anyone ever have that happen?  A five - ten minute wave of pain and awfulness? I hope it stays away.

 

When those  of you way farther out than me say it gets way better, can you expain that?  Is it like what happened to me?  Much shorter waves, or is it more gradual.  Can you give a idea of what one might expect?

 

thanks

lisa