6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Beautiful Lisa!

 

You are talented!!

 

[[pe...]]

Lisa-

That is a lovely poem. I like the idea of your son tucking this knowledge away for the future. Thank you for creating and sharing it with us.

 

Peace2

[[dr...]]

What a lovely poem!  I too love writing poems.  I actually specialize in limericks.  For some reason I am like a savant and can come up with them very quickly and on stage.  I write very romantical ones for my gf

 

Peace-hang in there.  You will go to the appt and we all know it will be a 99.9% chance it is just withdrawals and the time needed to heal. 

[[je...]]

Peace-- I'm so sorry your not feeling well, its just not fair. Try and stay calm and remember whatever happens at the appt the true answer is time and you already have quite a chunck behind you.

Coop -- so glad to hear your day opened into a window!! Another proof that this is all benzos!! I still am not feeling well-- jittery, head pressure, dizzy, and breathing issues. I was reading a post last night and I think I could be in a wave due to magnesium. I was taking it for a long time, stopped and when I started taking it again I have been sick ever since. I guess its happened to a few members here so now I hope I found my answer and will start to feel better.

Lisa-- nice poem!

 

 

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... sorry this is still going on for you ... I feel in about the same shape as you ... had a small break yesterday and the stuff is still cycling around ... hang on, we'll get through this ...

[[pe...]]

Thank you all for being ever so supportive. I'm glad this day is nearly done and hope tomorrow is infinitely better... for all of us.

 

Coop- I so think this appointment has stirred up a lot of feelings for me. I'm glad my husband will be there. My hero

 

Peace2

 

[[je...]]

Thank you so much Nova! I pray this lets up soon for both of us-- mine are cycling too  

[[Fr...]]

Thanks everyone for your kind remarks.

 

Peace - have you read the blog by a guy James Heaney on SSRI wd?  It's so similar to benzo wd.  He does a good job describing waves and windows and talks about how a typical wave goes from physical to psychological.  I have found this to be true in general.  Maybe you are skipping the physical part and go directly to the latter.  Waves tend to go that way for  me.  They start out with aching and pain of some sort and morph to me crying before they switch into windows.  I think you're having waves.

 

Try writing them out and scream on a page to see if that helps at all.  I hope it lifts for you soon.

 

Nova, Jenny - I hope you cycle into windows soon.

 

Have you read Bliss's book?  I just read it.  It has lots of good ideas for calming oneself in waves.

 

Anyone read any other good books?  Matt Samet's maybe?  I haven't read that one yet.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Lisa I loved your poem...the fact that you can weave images into beautiful meaningful words is a neon sign of healing. I am so glad you had such a wonderful day with your son. Connection with those we love reminds of us why we keep moving forward on days when we want to give up....You are clearly healing Free. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful words....coop

[[No...]]

Lisa ... I have read Matt Samet's book ... also Barbara Gordon"s "I Am Dancing As Fast As I Can" ... on one hand I believe if these folks can heal - I can to ... you may find both books very hard to read at times ...

[[Fr...]]

Coop - thanks for the kind words.  I did feel as if I was healing yesterday but now today has been off and on.  Tonight I'm really anxious about ever getting well.  It's all freaking me out.

 

Nova - I am so freaked out already with fears about not healing.  I know about Matt Samet but haven't read his book yet.  Is it the awful chemical anxiety the worst part of what he went through?  I've read his blog posts on Mad in America - have you read those and heard of his setback?  It's all so scary to me.  Do you ever get scared?

 

When I'm in a wave I get so scared of staying this way.  I am having bad fear now.

 

I was signed in to get Dr. Jenn Leigh's blog posts and just got a note saying she is discontinuing her blog (because she is still really sick after three years).  It's very frightening.

 

Help guys.  I am really upset and not feeling well.  I wonder if my full mind will ever be back more often.

 

I am well one day, sick the next.  I'm losing hope.

 

Lisa   

[[dr...]]

Free...stay calm. Don't feed the fear.  I. Saying this from a position of knowing how hard iit is to do in a wave.  You KNOW you will get better.  What kind of sickness would rotate from feeling normal to what you're experiencing back n forth?  Nothing but benzos!  Be the canoe and float down the river of symptoms. Calmer water ahead lisa!

[[li...]]

Coop - thanks for the kind words.  I did feel as if I was healing yesterday but now today has been off and on.  Tonight I'm really anxious about ever getting well.  It's all freaking me out.

 

Nova - I am so freaked out already with fears about not healing.  I know about Matt Samet but haven't read his book yet.  Is it the awful chemical anxiety the worst part of what he went through?  I've read his blog posts on Mad in America - have you read those and heard of his setback?  It's all so scary to me.  Do you ever get scared?

 

When I'm in a wave I get so scared of staying this way.  I am having bad fear now.

 

I was signed in to get Dr. Jenn Leigh's blog posts and just got a note saying she is discontinuing her blog (because she is still really sick after three years).  It's very frightening.

 

Help guys.  I am really upset and not feeling well.  I wonder if my full mind will ever be back more often.

 

I am well one day, sick the next.  I'm losing hope.

 

Lisa 

 

Free,

 

I am so sorry that so many of my friends here are having a hard time today. Here are some comforting facts.  There have been studies and statistics done on "Benzo Buddies" participants and the one I found was an average healed timeframe of 14 months. I wish I had the link. I will try to find it as I posted it previously. It was an extensive study done by an addiction specialist. That does not mean that your baseline can not be manageable until fully healed like mine has been so far. I am at 75% right now. I can function, I worked a full day, I talked to attorneys and partners, I negotiated transactions ( if they only knew how anxious I was), I can endure more stress than two months ago. I still have a nervous overtone as I work and endure more stress.The healing for me has been so slow that I can only look back months to see the difference. I did use meds to get me through but I just dumped the gabapentin two weeks ago. I also dumped an SSRI which literally drove my crazy in January. I was on it for 2 months. I was a nervous reck in every sense up to 2 months ago. I still have waves of depression so I am not out of the woods at all. I guess what I am saying is that we are all going to heal. When I had a wave on the 4th of July it lasted 2 days. Yes I felt "How long is this going to last? What if I will never get better?" Those are all benzo lies. Think about what has happened in my brain. For 32 years my poor brain has had a blanket on it -- benzos. It did not need Gaba system to function as long as I had my helper.. I think what we are going through is more specifically less benzo withdrawal and more reactivation of our Gaba system. We are like babies trying to cope without that poison in our bodies. Yes I made the decision to use benzos and yes it actually helped me for many years -- so I will not let the beast make me into a victim. It was my choice and I am paying these ridiculous consequences . Here is another fact. There are people that are in protracted that might have some underlying mental condition not caused by benzos. We are all in the 6 -12 month timeframe and from Ashton to my addiction specialist all say that this crap takes a year or a bit more to stabilize in our brains. So just because there are those that are having issues past 1.6 years that is not us. We are puppies here still in the healing process. I love you all so much as without you I would have probably have reinstated by now. I still think sometimes for  a split second " Boy, I can do so much better if I was on benzos" and that thought immediately gets dispelled. None of us can say that we are like this forever as it is proven that this crap takes times. We are truly healing guys and girls. I hope I did not come across angry. It is not anger it is just that I am tiered too how long this takes. It is a brutal process -- it is the worts type of deception with all the ups and owns. We are going to be better, more empathetic, more respecting, more loving people when we are out of this mess. Never again will I treat a person dealing with depression or any other condition with anything other than total compassion. Love to all!

 

Love,

 

Life

[[dr...]]

One other item of note on Jennifer. She isan alcoholic which has it's own long term symptoms which may be adding to her turmoil.  Not saying it as a judgement just as it may be a contributing factor.

 

Very good post life!

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Life  your talk really helped me right now as I'm freaking out

 

Yours too Drew

 

Thanks you guys  I'm so happy for you Life!  Your recovery sound almost complete

 

Drew - I don't think Jenn drinks anymore    wasn't that long ago?  I was so hopeful for her  now sad for her

 

Did you read her blog too?

 

thanks again,

Lisa

 

[[je...]]

Life-- great post!

Lisa-- sorry you are not feeling good, but you will heal we all will. If this was permanent then we would never have windows. Its all the benzos and the lies that come with it. Stay strong

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone,

As one of the first in our group to hit the 12 month mark, I feel it important to remind you how my healing has went.  Mind you, I was on Klonopin for 5 years, along with a SSRI that I tapered at the same time. 

I believe that the 14 month average healing time is pretty spot on.  However, it's not that until 14 months we are miserable....the baseline keeps raising.  I think what it means is that we can still get waves, though these become less intense (for the most part) and less frequent.  I had a really hard time in my 6-8 month time frame.  Lots of symptoms, TONS of fear, frequent crying out on BB looking for answers and reassurance.  But then about the 8th month things started really getting better.  My baseline was higher, and continued to rise.  Yes, I still had waves and moments of horribleness throughout months 8 - 12, but things were SO MUCH BETTER.

 

Now I am at 12 1/2 months, and have been feeling back up to 90 - 95% on a fairly regular basis.  I am in a frequent cycling time, but my waves are not bad (99% of the time....I can still get the occasional tsunami) and they are shorter.  I realized today that I have been having MANY times throughout my days that I completely forget about this benzo mess!  What a HUGE sign of healing!!  It is no longer my constant companion.  The amazing thing about this is that I am in my summer break, so I am not distracted like I was during school.  If this trend continues, and I have no reason to believe that it won't, I should be 100% by fall....which puts me 14 - 15 months.  Until I get to 100%, I am very functional, living my life, writing my papers, dealing with life stress, vacationing, and planning for the future.

 

Also, don't forget that I am in the midst of extreme personal life stressors with the very real possibility of losing my house due to the foreclosure it is in.  The exciting thing is that I have been handling this stress fairly well.  Certainly my recovery would be better if I didn't have this hanging over me...but it is, and I'm dealing with it.

 

I still have some moments of depression, some anxiety... and I can tell that it is still benzo related because it has a different feel, that "chemical" feel that we all know too well. 

 

I guess what I am trying to say, and I hope that those of you who are struggling right now can hear it, is that I am healing.  I am SO close.  And if I am healing, SO WILL YOU.  I'm only a few months ahead of you.  It gets better.  Remember the cave analogy we talked about a few months ago?  I can see the light, it is RIGHT here.  You are so very, very close...even though it feels so very dark.

 

Lots of love to you! 

[[pe...]]

HH- I am so happy for you! Thank you for your post. It is exactly what I needed tonight.

 

Kisses for you!

Peace2

[[li...]]

Healing,

 

..."And the Sun Is Shinning"!!!!-- just right there outside the cave. Great post. Thank you for sharing!

 

Life

 

[[Co...]]

Life...I know how hard it is to believe that healing happens when you are in a wave.. nearly impossible...and when you are in a window you cant quite recall what the last wave was like. There are excellent success stories on the success board,  but the thing that is helping me most is seeing the day to day progress of the buddies in this group. We are all showing definite healing. I still have waves and bad days but when I look back in my progress. journal and realize that I am doing much better.I am less able to .realize this in a wave...Obssessive fear is part of the w/d...I have had obssessive health fear from day one and I still get it with physical s/x but not as often and I weather them better..unless I am in a wave. What you are feeling..the fear of not healing is the w/d. ...Does it lessen or go away when you have a sunbreak or a window? ...You are going to heal Free...right along with the rest of us....you are just unable to believe it right now...

......I hope you wake up in a complete window tomorrow morning.....coop

[[je...]]

HH-- thank you for the encouragement! I can't wait to read your success story

[[Co...]]

HH...what a wonderful post...thank you so very much. You have given us such encouragement. At almost 8.5 months I am just beginning to see a glimmer of the pattern you talk about. ..shorter waves..and most decidedly a consistently better baseline ..in spite of a fair number of wavy days . Windows are gradually moving closer together and lasting longer.

....Your point that even though healing may take 14 or some months but the months get easier ..though maybe not 100% as we go along is a good point. PianoGirl talks of that progression in her success story. She says that a great deal of her healing occurred in the first year with continued healing in the second. 

....HH....I am thrilled for you...congratulations.....coop

[[Co...]]

* Life*...obviously the post I addressed to you should have been addressed to Lisa...not tracking tonight..

 

[[dr...]]

I read a few of her entries but not regularly. If someone was a heavy drinker they can do permanent brain damage to certain areas of the brain.  I'm not sure but it may be contributing.

 

Regardless of what brought people to take benzos no be should ever be subjected or deserves to go through this.

 

Yay healing hope!  Can't read enough of that type of post. Already read it three times.

[[No...]]

Coop ... you are so right ... that is the marvel of this group ... day in and day out ... one day at a time ... ebb and flow ... and progress ... and progress ... and progress ... the individual in the embrace of the community ... don't know when I will be done ... my crystal ball has cog fog .. but I do know I will be recovered ... and I do know we all will ...

 

Have a good Wednesday everyone ... 3:30 AM here in the Maritimes ...