6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

I am so sorry to see you go through this, Nova. I had disassociation one day in my life ( tapering off Serequel early in detox after I jump off benzos two months) and I know how tough it is. It was so difficult . What made it even more difficult for me is that I never had it before. GMIT it is like you are detached from the world and at the time I thought I was really going to loose it. I know that it is not much help Nova but remember that anxiety ultimately can not hurt you -- its only  thoughts.

 

Life

[[pe...]]

Lisa-

I think it takes a long time. I think things get better, but I think it takes a long time. I hope the 8 month mark is better, and a year is better yet. To be honest, I've been thinking two years. I don't know why, maybe because that's how long it took Stevie Nicks to recover. In that case, I'm a quarter of the way there.

I see a lot of people all over BB with symptoms similar to yours. You are not alone in this.

 

Peace

[[li...]]

Coop - geez I'm sorry you're going through this too.  Is yours internal anxiety stuff all consuming and you feel like you just can't take it anymore?  When does this go away?  I don't see a lot of people dealing with it this bad, do you?

 

Have you found any threads where people talk about it going away?  It scares me because of how hard it is to deal with.

 

Today is a rough day.  I am starting month 6 and wondering when some permanent relief occurs.

 

Any ideas how we do this month after month?

 

I'm wearing thin.  Thanks for your support.

 

Lisa

 

If what you have is a revving up internal anxiety that just forewarns you of a wave to come I DEFINITELY had it and IT DEFINITELY has left. I no longer have it. My last symptom seems to be a depression that comes and goes.

 

Life

[[li...]]

Feeling depressed today, not sure how much of it is chemical and how much of it is my thinking about this whole saga. The plan is to watch the soccer game with a bunch of neighbors and see if it will drown out some of my heart aching.

 

Thinking of you each.

Peace2

 

Peace I often ask myself the same questions. I think this whole process is depressing!  :'( I do believe that the chemistry plays a big role though.

 

Life

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Peace and I hope the depression lifts for you soon so you can enjoy your family and new job.

 

I just read Baylissa Frederick's book and it took her 2-3 years of really tough symptoms and bad waves.  I just wonder when things will lift for a longer length of time.  She had windows that lasted a while only to be hit with bad waves over and over until finally she was healed.

 

I just feel like ground hog's day constantly.  Keeping up hope is so difficult.  We need more success stories, that's for sure.

 

Lisa 

[[Fr...]]

Life - you seem to be a fast healer.  That's great the internal anxiety has left for you.

 

I think it's a key part  of healing for me as it seems to cause the nerve pain and head issues too.  When it revs up so does all else.

 

Thanks so much for the support.  This process is so lonely.

[[...]]

Lisa, we jumped at the same time...we need windows, then stay n it!!! 

 

I'm so bored and tired of this already, like I'm on the edge of being healed but not quite there!

 

[[li...]]

Not really too fast a healer. It lasted until 2 months ago. It did go away. My worst symptom was OCD intrusive thoughts -- anything but that!!!UGH! That has left. I just am dealing with a lack of ambition now and depression in waves.

 

I feel waves come easier for me when I am not distracted. But what am I going to do -- never stop distracting? This whole process is exhausting. When I dumped my Gababentin two week ago I was on this thread thinking the acute symptoms were going to last a lifetime again. Thank God it is not like benzos.

 

I often think that if a Martian came on this thread and read these post he or she would for sure think that we are a bunch of flakes. The reality is that no one will ever know what we have gone through except those that have also gone through it. This experience is like no other. I remember two months ago having people say "look you have two arms and two legs, be grateful'. All I can say is that I would have given a limb away back then to be healed mentally. I no longer feel that way and to me that is healing.

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Peace and Lisa...I have also read in the literature and in the success stories that healing in the terms of complete absence of s/x and total return to life as it was can take 2 years....Having said that...PinanoGirl says in her success story that things were greatly better at the end of year one and year two was continued better and better.I would be happy with that. If I could maintain 75% consistently for the rest of this year ( Dec 3 is my end of year one) I would happily accept. 25% more to go in the second year...When I look objectively at where I was 2 months ago and where I am now I realize I am much better over all than I was in month 6...I really believe year 2 is cake compared to the first 6 months of year one...and the last 4 months of year one are so much better than the first 6 months of year one....I have to believe that or I wont get through this.

.....LISA... I wont lie...month 6 was my breaking point...totally burnt out and ready to be done...Month 6 for me was a complete transition from mostly mental/ psychological brutal s/x to predominantly brutal physical s/x that I was not prepared for...just did me in...I had nothing left...Every physical s/x sent me into panic....this support group was the only thing that got ..mecfrom month 6 to month 8+1 week....It is getting better..despite the head pressure that cycles and revs up anxiety and fear thing .

s are much better than month 6...hold on.

Lisa...get a lot of rest and pamper yourself...you need to. .,.....catch a secondd

 

[[Co...]]

Lisa...( coop cont.)...my screen jumped and I couldn't get it back...

....You need to catch a second wind...hopefully in the form of a very nice long window.....I know how hard month 6 is...it really does get better...I am thinking of you Lisa...coop

[[...]]

Eeewww...i don't want to think month 6 will be bad! I'm hanging on to month 6 is great healing!!

 

[[Co...]]

GMIT. .I didn't mean to scare anyone...6 months out can be hard for some of us...not all of us. For me it seemed to be the end of awfulness 24/7. ..It gradually got got easier. There seems to be a pattern that wants to be consistent...rocky mornings...better afternoons. A better baseline. Yes I have head s/x that are freaking me out but most of the other s/x seem better.

.....Everyone is different...some people get through month 6 more easily...coop

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop and Life,

 

I think what GMIT and I want is some improvement that we can see.  When I read protracted members posts I wonder what improvements they've seen.

 

I'm hoping some symptoms will drop off and / or ease up in months 6-7.

 

I'm going to go write in my progress log and see if anything has improved.

 

Feel better everyone.

Lisa

[[li...]]

Thanks Coop and Life,

 

I think what GMIT and I want is some improvement that we can see.  When I read protracted members posts I wonder what improvements they've seen.

 

I'm hoping some symptoms will drop off and / or ease up in months 6-7.

 

I'm going to go write in my progress log and see if anything has improved.

 

Feel better everyone.

Lisa

 

I really think you should stay away from the protracted site. The average full healing time on bb is 14 months but I think that when your baseline gets tolerable full heAlling is acceptable at 14 months.

[[...]]

It's ok Coop, I don't really think I'm going to be like anyone else...I'll just go with the flow for me! I know everyone heals differently!!

 

I refuse to go to the Protracted boards!  I need to focus on healing not the fear of what may never transpire!!

 

:smitten:

[[Co...]]

Lisa and GMIT...I have absolutely seen improvement since month 6...especially in month 8,  but there were definite gradual leaning towards healing in month 7...wishing you both sunbreaks....coop

[[dr...]]

Thanks Coop and Life,

 

I think what GMIT and I want is some improvement that we can see.  When I read protracted members posts I wonder what improvements they've seen.

 

I'm hoping some symptoms will drop off and / or ease up in months 6-7.

 

I'm going to go write in my progress log and see if anything has improved.

 

Feel better everyone.

Lisa

 

I really think you should stay away from the protracted site. The average full healing time on bb is 14 months but I think that when your baseline gets tolerable full heAlling is acceptable at 14 months.

 

Where did you come up with average full healing at 14 months?  The protracted thread IS scary!

[[Co...]]

Just a little positive note...my head pressure was on again off again today...better than 'on ' all day. For the past few days I have had sunbreaks for a few hours ..like clock work...from. 1pm or so until 3 pm or so...I am able to relax..even nap lightly...watch a movie..read a book..have a conversation etc ..my afternoons pretty much cycle in and out of sunbreaks and baseline. My mornings cycle between. s/x and decent baseline.

...This is definite improvement over month 6. Many of my s/x..excepting head discomforts are infrequent and manageable. I can function at at least 65% most of the time in situations that were stressful in month 6. ..75% in less stressful situations.

......Life...I am seeing a little here and there return of depression too...but like you it is manageable ..and for me,  much preferable to the head pressure..

.......one day at a time we are getting there....coop

[[Co...]]

Drew...the Ashton Manual puts "average " healing at 14 months with nearly all healed in 18-24 months...BUT ...in reading the boards over the last year most BBs report at least gradual quatifiable improvement by year one.  I think the protracted board defines protracted at being 18 months...

....At 6 months I also 'saw ' my future as protracted...at 8 months I see circular but consistent improvement...

.....things get better but in a wave it is nearly impossible to see it. ...wishing all a peaceful night

[[He...]]

Hi All!    I just got back from a 4-day weekend with the family and some family friends.  Such a great time!  I had some mild cycling of symptoms throughout the day, especially on Friday morning, but things got progressively better and better.  I am getting better at ignoring the benzo lies again, and that makes everything better.  I am better able to shift into a "yes, this is anxiety and it won't hurt me" frame of mind.  Just that act of doing that downgrades any symptoms I feel (like the chest pressure) and it diminishes rather than increases.  Things are getting better again!

 

I have realized how important it is to document the symptoms.  It is really hard for me to truly remember what the bad days were like, and it can make me feel like I'm not healing when I'm in a wave.  However, even when I'm in a wave if I go back and reread my symptoms and how I was feeling it helps me to remember and I can see how much better I really am. 

An example of this:  maybe you remember how freaked out I was last week because I was having a bad day?  Well, I went back and found this entry from February (when I was just at 7 months off) and it said: "Filled with HIGH anxiety and more physical symptoms: chest pressure, head pressure, tingling, shakiness, heavy arms and legs.  It was a horrible evening." I remembered after reading how miserable that night was for me.....much worse than I have been since.  So even though last Wednesday FELT like it was one of my worst days ever, it wasn't even close. If I didn't have record of that night, I could easily start believing that things are getting worse and that I'm not healing. I can look back and see that my chest pressure has been there for many months, as has waves of depression, but they weren't as prominent because they were 2 symptoms of many all buzzing around.  They haven't gotten worse, I can simply feel them more because they seem to be the last 2 significant symptoms that remain. 

 

I hope you all start feeling better.  It sounds like there have been a lot of hard days over the weekend.  Praying for healing for us all!     

[[Fr...]]

Coop - you're an inspiration - I think I do see minor improvements it's just that the waves can be so strong still they counteract the good times and then I have mild  psychological waves when the physical improves.  But actually I think all waves are less intense.

 

So happy for you!

 

love,

Lisa 

[[li...]]

Hi All!    I just got back from a 4-day weekend with the family and some family friends.  Such a great time!  I had some mild cycling of symptoms throughout the day, especially on Friday morning, but things got progressively better and better.  I am getting better at ignoring the benzo lies again, and that makes everything better.  I am better able to shift into a "yes, this is anxiety and it won't hurt me" frame of mind.  Just that act of doing that downgrades any symptoms I feel (like the chest pressure) and it diminishes rather than increases.  Things are getting better again!

 

I have realized how important it is to document the symptoms.  It is really hard for me to truly remember what the bad days were like, and it can make me feel like I'm not healing when I'm in a wave.  However, even when I'm in a wave if I go back and reread my symptoms and how I was feeling it helps me to remember and I can see how much better I really am. 

An example of this:  maybe you remember how freaked out I was last week because I was having a bad day?  Well, I went back and found this entry from February (when I was just at 7 months off) and it said: "Filled with HIGH anxiety and more physical symptoms: chest pressure, head pressure, tingling, shakiness, heavy arms and legs.  It was a horrible evening." I remembered after reading how miserable that night was for me.....much worse than I have been since.  So even though last Wednesday FELT like it was one of my worst days ever, it wasn't even close. If I didn't have record of that night, I could easily start believing that things are getting worse and that I'm not healing. I can look back and see that my chest pressure has been there for many months, as has waves of depression, but they weren't as prominent because they were 2 symptoms of many all buzzing around.  They haven't gotten worse, I can simply feel them more because they seem to be the last 2 significant symptoms that remain. 

 

I hope you all start feeling better.  It sounds like there have been a lot of hard days over the weekend.  Praying for healing for us all!   

 

Healinghope,

 

This is so awesome. Are you saying that one of your two last remaining symptom is depression? Me too. I have been feeling pretty good lately and the depression beast has been put at bay too. When I slow down is when I tend to get depressed but lately I am just accepting slowing down and I am actually just chilling. That is completely new to me and as it continues I will rack that up as one of my most major CBT successes. To slow down and be present is awesome. I also like to keep busy too.

 

Drew, the study was done of BB people but I can not find the link. It was posted for me once as I wanted to know the average time it took. The study showed that most on BB took 14 months.

 

Life

[[He...]]

Hi All!    I just got back from a 4-day weekend with the family and some family friends.  Such a great time!  I had some mild cycling of symptoms throughout the day, especially on Friday morning, but things got progressively better and better.  I am getting better at ignoring the benzo lies again, and that makes everything better.  I am better able to shift into a "yes, this is anxiety and it won't hurt me" frame of mind.  Just that act of doing that downgrades any symptoms I feel (like the chest pressure) and it diminishes rather than increases.  Things are getting better again!

 

I have realized how important it is to document the symptoms.  It is really hard for me to truly remember what the bad days were like, and it can make me feel like I'm not healing when I'm in a wave.  However, even when I'm in a wave if I go back and reread my symptoms and how I was feeling it helps me to remember and I can see how much better I really am. 

An example of this:  maybe you remember how freaked out I was last week because I was having a bad day?  Well, I went back and found this entry from February (when I was just at 7 months off) and it said: "Filled with HIGH anxiety and more physical symptoms: chest pressure, head pressure, tingling, shakiness, heavy arms and legs.  It was a horrible evening." I remembered after reading how miserable that night was for me.....much worse than I have been since.  So even though last Wednesday FELT like it was one of my worst days ever, it wasn't even close. If I didn't have record of that night, I could easily start believing that things are getting worse and that I'm not healing. I can look back and see that my chest pressure has been there for many months, as has waves of depression, but they weren't as prominent because they were 2 symptoms of many all buzzing around.  They haven't gotten worse, I can simply feel them more because they seem to be the last 2 significant symptoms that remain. 

 

I hope you all start feeling better.  It sounds like there have been a lot of hard days over the weekend.  Praying for healing for us all!   

 

Healinghope,

 

This is so awesome. Are you saying that one of your two last remaining symptom is depression? Me too. I have been feeling pretty good lately and the depression beast has been put at bay too. When I slow down is when I tend to get depressed but lately I am just accepting slowing down and I am actually just chilling. That is completely new to me and as it continues I will rack that up as one of my most major CBT successes. To slow down and be present is awesome. I also like to keep busy too.

 

Drew, the study was done of BB people but I can not find the link. It was posted for me once as I wanted to know the average time it took. The study showed that most on BB took 14 months.

 

Life

 

Hi Life,

Yes, I'd say that I have either 2 or 3 main symptoms left, depending on how I classify my anxiety.  If I split my anxiety into 2 types, my 3 remaining symptoms are: chemical-type anxiety (in which I would place my chest pressure), health anxiety (that triggers from my chemical anxiety), and depression.  I do not experience these all day, but they have been cycling through quite rapidly in the past month.  When they are gone I feel great.  NO anxiety, NO depression, full of optimism and hope, full of enjoyment and anticipation, complete calmness.  This is how I know that the anxiety and depression are not real outside of benzo recovery...they are NOT me, and they will NOT stay around.  Well, to be completely honest, there is some sadness mixed in that is separate from withdrawal in that it is the realization of how my being on a tranquilizer for 5 years of my daughters' lives affected them.  This is something very real that I have to work on, for example, changing negative habits/patterns that came to be because I was checked out for so long.  It makes my mommy heart sad, but this sadness is different from the benzo depression sadness.  In the meantime, while waiting for complete recovery, I am doing things that are proactive.  Keeping plans and not cancelling, making dinner and having the family sit down together, trying to keep up with house work, doing activities with my daughters, reaching out to my husband instead of pulling away.  These are all important parts of the healing process. 

[[...]]

Healing, I can relate to how you are feeling...the sadness that is mixed in. The realization of what being on this drug has done to our lives.

 

You sound like you are doing well!!

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... slept well for almost 9 hours ... a welcome blessing after the last 48 hours ...

 

Spent a hour monitoring myself "waking up" ... sort of like the "full body scan" ... some tweaks and bumps and a couple of groans ... report ... a good amount of background anxiety ... left eye somewhat out of wack again ... a little wonky on my legs ... a little background "disconnection" ... not bad for an old fella ...

 

And some intrusive thoughts ...

 

"You brought everybody 'down' over the weekend ... stay off BB ... you are screwing people up" ... well, had a good laugh over that one ... I know I have some "strength" but I ain't that "powerful" ... my "struggling" is my "struggling" and it does not mess up other people ... the folks here acknowledge what I am going through in the moment, accept me for where I am, encourage me and love me ... we are fellow travelers ... each responsible for ourselves ... sharing our journey ... taking what we need ... sharing what we can ...

 

"This is as good as it gets ... you are healed ... you don't have to deal with this anymore ... this is where you started ... get some 'help' ... you are helpless to fix this" ... bah ... humbug ... blooey ... can't spell the "raspberry" you can make when you stick your tongue out and blow through your lips ... baloney ... I utterly refuse to accept this "prognosis" ... I am not fully recovered yet ... so ... let's see what adventures Monday brings ...

 

I did not go back to acute ... and it sure did felt like it ... but my time-travel machine is unplugged and out of service ... the arrow of time only allows me to go forward ... memory can be a tricky business during this process ... so many terrors lurking there for me ... we are all healing ...

 

Bless you all ... have a good Monday ...