6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Peace...congratulations on the new job...exciting...I think you are going to be fine with it...somehow we do what we have to do in spite of w/d . You seem to be managing ALOT while getting through this. I admire your determination to carry on with life and remaining present for you little boys. I know how much strenghth and courage that must take...

...Nova....I am thinking of you this morning. You are doing so much better,  but I know how fatiguing it is to feel really good and then be back to baseline the next day ..It is such a great sign of healing to have a consistently improving baseline. So glad you have Mrs Nova to go the journey with you. ..You are such an inspiration to all of us Nova...so sorry the head stuff returned it is so aggrivating. Does it let up through the day? I am sending you wishes for a big wide open window..

.  Free...you definitely sound like you are in the cycling phase..the up and down and all around ..all in one day. I still have lots of cycling days at month 8...I try to just ' ride ' with the flow of it. I get discouraged sometimes but it is so much better than acute when a wave lasted days.  It does get better Free..I think you will see consistent improvement in the next few months. You are doing a great job of holding on through the tough times. We are all with you. ..and yes..I agree with Nova...the inner agitation lessens and lessens. Most of my s/x are dwindling. If the head issues would give up I would be st a strong 75% almost every day...How is your head pressure ?...Mine returned today but mostly a headache and pulsing in my ears.. less pressure...but its discouraging.

......My happy window returned to a 'good enough ' baseline this morning. I woke up with a headache which deflated my high hopes for another very good day but my headaches usually lift sometime during the day. ...4 more months to the year mile marker for me....we are all going to get there.

.....Thinking of all of you....wishing you sunbreaks and windows...coop

[[ga...]]

Free....I feel your pain having gone down the same road you have.  We both used the benzos to help us lower anxiety so we could sleep.  A year off now, I still experience ups and downs. Last night was miserable for me.  I have a very busy day ahead and I ended piling the pressure on and became agitated.  Of course sleep was elusive.  Yes, it's the same stuff that got me on the drugs years ago, however, this time I have some coping tools.  I will NOT let this one night destroy me.  It is what it is and I will move on one day at a time.  Tonight is another night and I will do my best to not make it a big deal.  Sure it is not ideal feeling tired all day but we do get along and I will do what I have to do to make it through the day.  You will too.  Keep up the fight.  We're here for you.

[[Co...]]

Free...I really believe through my own experience that Life 's addiction specialist's prediction is right...month 8 is the beginning of a new phase. It is not -100% but...definite improvement. You are so close...you are going to see improvement too...just keep it going...day by day..I felt things beginning to improve right at the time when I was ready to give up ( I fl t know what ' giving up " meant for me...going back on has never been an option...so going forward was the only option available..lol)....One thing that helped me was setting my goal posts in a little closer in month 6/7. Instead of looking atvyear one I started counting the days to month 8...thanks to Life 's post regarding month 8. Now I am able to fount months again out to year one.....You are going to heal Free.  You have the first half done...and you never ever have to do it again... love to you Free....coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop - so glad you're feeling significantly better in this past month or so and thank you for the encouragement.  I'm hoping this cycling will bring the waves to a lesser degree of pain.  If I could just see consistent improvement I'd be hopeful.

 

Garton - I hope you feel better soon and have peaceful sleep.

 

xo,

Lisa

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop - that's really nice of you.  You're so sweet.

 

I know you can tell I'm struggling today.

 

Lisa

[[ga...]]

Do those of you have posted on this thread envision all the issues going away or just getting to the point where you can function through the day?  I find myself getting frustrated when I come up against those nights where I get little or no sleep.  I would love to see them vanish into thin air and sleep soundly the rest of my life.  I know this is not a realistic expectation.  So what is considered healing?  For me it would be continued gradual improvement in sleep and reduced agitation on the nights I find myself laying in bed.  The bad nights still leave me feeling depressed at times..just expecting better in the years to come.

[[pe...]]

Hi Garton,

My plan is to be at the point I was before benzos. For me, that means no symptoms but a definite problem managing stress and making healthy choices. I feel like once I return to health, I'll need to work hard to change behaviors that led to my break down. By break down, I mean being so stressed out that I got a migraine and wound up in the ER taking a medication I didn't really need which led to this whole benzo nightmare. I've got to slow down and practice good self care despite what that means for all the demands around me. That is my lesson. Nova has a quote in his signature about slowing down to a human tempo, for me that is my work after my brain heals. I think we've all learned some behaviors or ways of thinking that we'll have to work to overcome even after we 'heal'.

 

You're so close Garton, but sleep is essential. Have you tried sleep restriction? I've heard it can really help.

Peace2

 

 

[[ga...]]

I have tried most everything I thought.  Sleep restriction is one I did look at but never tried.  Might be worth considering.  I always felt that my anxiety at bedtime was the issue I had to overcome...and have done better with over the last year.  I tend to slip on occasion. I'm not sure sleep restriction would be the answer for that but I will look into again.  Thanks for your suggestion.

[[pe...]]

Garton,

The other thing that really helps me calm when I'm trying to fall asleep or when I wake in the night is Nadi Shodhana (Alternate Nostril Breathing). Here's a link to it:

 

http://www.yogajournal.com/health/2641?utm_source=MyYogaJournal&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=MyYogaJournal&utm_content=sidebar1link

 

Also, I've heard people say that they just kept getting better and better even after they thought they were as healed as they ever would be. That makes me think things will just keep getting better and better for you.

 

Peace2

[[ga...]]

I really appreciate the encouragement.  I need that today.  Thanks so much....

[[...]]

Peace, congrats on the new job!!

 

You are doing so good!!

 

Take care!

[[Co...]]

Garton...I do hope to return to where I was before benzos. ( factoring in that I am now 64 instead of 61...lol). ...Before benzos I had all the day to day issues of life and the life transition from work I loved to retirement (..RA progressed)...Interestingly I have worked through the retirement adjustment..although I still miss my work greatly...as well thevnormal life issues of life ebb and flow with normal stress ...and normal resolution. It is the w/d s/x that have definitely fallen into a catagory reserved just for the Benzo Beast. ..Yes,  I hope to be at least 90% of where I was pre- benzo. HowevervI do find myself trying to strike deals with the Benzo Beast..."If only the anxiety would stop off "..." if only the intrusive thoughts would drop off ".  etc etc right now I would be so happy for the headaches and head pressure to let up...if it would I would be a consistent 75% better almost every day and I could at least function in my life better. ...Still I am much better on a consistent basis than I was even 2 months ago. ...Having said all of that...I don't think I will ever be without the emotional after effects of the w/d process. I feel that it has left me with benzo w/d PTSD..I find it difficult to imagine not ' looking over my shoulder ' for the Benzo Beast shadow...and I think,  due to the intense physical s/x..some of them very scary,  I will always now have some low level health fear. Although I will say that in a full blown window I don't have either ptsd feeling or health fear...it returns to my pre- benzo state of mind. Maybe that is a very good predictor of life after benzos...I hope. ..PiznoGirl has a great success story and she reports completely returning to her pre- benzo life. I read her story at least once a week.

.....I have to believe we will all get our lives back...with maybe a few battle scars ....and better life strategies and coping skills learned along the way....I couldn't do this without hope.....

.....Garton...I try to do what you are doing...go with it...not giving the s/x my total focus but on some days it is really hard and I am getting weary ...wishing you sunbreaks...and forever healing...coop

 

[[li...]]

I can read how much healing is taking place during this whole process for all of us. We may not all be at a baseline of acceptance but we are getting there.

 

Coop,I am so happy to see what healing is taking place with you.

 

Peace, I agree with you that after our baseline is acceptable we will just get better and better until we are at 100%. I really do not care how long that takes ( hopefully sooner than later) but as long as we are all in a "manageable stage" during the process.

 

Gart, things will get much better and sleep is essential. It looks like it is getting better for you. your baseline is there. it is improving but it is so darn slow in this process that we simply do not see it

 

Free, I promise you the agitation does go away .It just take some time.

 

Nova, I think you are in a really good place of acceptance and a good baseline. Now the baseline can get better and better without you even noticing it and then one day you look back and say "Wo, look how far I have come".

 

 

I have taken on allot of stress today and doing good. I pray that it is ok and no wave due to it. I fee better today but am really in slight chaos around me today.

 

God bless everyone. We are all healing.

 

life

 

[[Co...]]

Free...I am with you today...head pressure back..b/p up and a brutal anxiety attack....time for another epsome salt soak.  Yesterday...75% better..very little to no head pressure....cycling cycling....this will get better for both of us I know it will...I wish it was done for all of us........sending you wishes for sunbreaks and peace....coop

[[No...]]

Folks ... I truly have no "expectations" ... part of me says "I expect 100% or I want my money back" ... and then I reflect a bit ... "you can't step into the same river twice" ... what I "feel" about this is not really "expectation" ... rather "curiosity" ...

 

25 years is long ago ... tomorrow is much closer ...

 

I want to feel like that 80 year old Swedish lumberjack ... trekking around the coast and forest ... trying to stay out of mischief ... just no trying too hard ...

 

[[...]]

I'm with you Nova!!

 

[[Co...]]

I just want some peace...I would take 75% better if it would end tomorrow....trying to strike deals with the Benzo Beast again...

....On a more positive note...I had a wonderful visit with my grandsons yesterday...I would so appreciate 2-3 full window days in a row...my baseline is good..but it is such a short fall to wave territory.......

....Nova...I totally understand.." you cant walk in the same river twice " ....ever changing...acceptance acceptance...chop wood carry water....some days it helps to cry while practicing all of the above

...Nova...are you planning something special for your birthday tomorrow?...I hope so...coop

[[...]]

Whats hard right now is that I feel SO much like I "need" to cry, but I can't if I try! What's with that?

 

I've had several days of a window...it's SO hard when they close...but we keep trekking on!!

 

[[pe...]]

Nova- you are amazing. Time and time again you come through with your thoughtful and zen perspective. I truly hope I evolve to be more like you. Your approach reminds me of my husband, though he's not quite as eloquent as you are. Never the same river twice, and I'm thankful for that. The river I was in pre-benzo was rushing and raging. I don't need that again. Thank you, Nova.

 

Coop- I'm so glad you enjoyed those boys. They are lucky to have you. I'm sorry your symptoms have kicked up. I hope they leave as quickly as they came. I bet they will. Two days in a row would be so wonderful. It's probably closer than we think. I also would love a consistent 75%, heck- I'd love a consistent anything right about now!

 

Lisa- I can only send you love and healing thoughts through the ether. I alternate between seeing process and feeling hopeless. I guess I'll feel like that until I don't. I think we're having a pretty similar experience right now, cycling through symptoms with some easing here and there. Deep breaths.

 

GMIT- it sounds like you are going very well overall. What a blessing! I hope things break for you a bit. A good cry is sometimes just the thing. Sometimes I borrow others emotions to get the floodgates to open. There is a clip on YouTube of a child hearing his parents voices for the first time, after getting cochlear implants. If that doesn't get you going, I don't know what will!

 

I am having a tired teary day, bit I am really struck by how much I care about things of little consequence. I see this as a good thing. A year ago, my brain was so weighed down by klonopin that I wanted nothing. I robotically went through all the motions. I just returned from shopping with my family and I was smelling the hand soaps to see which one I liked the best. I chose the lavender coconut, though I liked the ylang ylang cedar too.

 

I hope we're all heading into wide open windows.

Peace2

 

[[Co...]]

Peace..you are pretty amazing....you are definitely going to get through this...thank you for the wonderful post to.all of us...The soap sounds wonderful...rest up...cry as much as you need to,  its a great release of s/x....wishing you days and days of windows...coop

[[li...]]

Gmit, I know what you mean with the emotional blunting. I felt like that so many months and a bit even now. It is like I was down and out but, anxious and everything but I could cry or let things out. Crying I find is so therapeutic.

 

Peace, I know what you mean by having to slow down. I was in a frenzy too at all times before. I get confused and down about me not being able to be as productive as before. I not to sure that I was so productive or just busy.

 

I hope and pray for bright windows for everyone. How is everyones meditation? I don't here  much? I stopped my transcendental meditation and want to start again.

 

Latest benzo lie in my head " Oh Yeah, are you sure you are going to get any better". "YOU may be like this forever!"

 

That little bastard is persistent.

 

Life

 

[[Co...]]

Has anyone had a ramp in s/x from sulfites?...What are sulfites?...Are they similar to nitrates ?....I may have tracked down a trigger to my headaches...hopefully. On Monday I ate some hotdogs left over from the bbq with the boys...tues. ..headache/head pressure...yesterday I had salad and bread drenched in balsamic vinegar...big head pressure today....I also wonder if antibiotics may have sulfites...I may be totally off base and grabbing at straws...but I think it is better than thinking I am dying...If anybody knows anything let me know...in the meantime I will search it out..m

....thanks you guys for not laughing at me...I will let you know anything I find out....coop

[[Fr...]]

Peace and Coop  - this is brutal - a really bad  day for me of head pressure and the inside burning feeling.  I am so not well today, juts laying around, took and easy bike and a window was almost open - 5 minutes were good.

 

I worry about MS with this head pressure and tingling burning sensation.

 

I read Baylissa's book today.  Anyone else read it yet?

 

Hi Life, Nova and GMIT - be well and happy birthday Nova.

 

Lisa 

[[pe...]]

Coop-

I can't laugh at you. I'm scared to eat almost everything! My husband just shakes his head and now sulfites, you say?!? I have stopped eating gluten, dairy, corn, soy, nitrates, msg, most sugar and  caffeine, tomatoes and peas. I'm afraid of nuts and legumes. I keep reading about different foods that can cause some kind of problem and then I cut it out of my diet. It's a tad ridiculous, but I'm not yet sure how to make good choices around what to leave out and what to keep eating. This food thing is definitely my version of health anxiety. There are so many diets that claim to help with brain repair. Let me know what you find out.

 

Peace2

[[pa...]]

Peace, all we are saying is give peas a chance!

 

http://www.buttonempire.com.au/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/1200x1200/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/g/i/give-peas-a-chance_17336_.jpg