6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

After my short panic event this morning I have felt moderately lousy all day ... however ... here is the fun part ...

 

Benzo Lies the Beast told me today:

 

1. See, you had 11 days ... you got healed ... now you are really sick.

 

2. See, there are a couple of floaters and your left eye is blurry ... call the eye doc you have a cataract.

 

3. Call Mrs. Nova and have her stop at the bank so you have enough cash to take the taxi to the ER tonight.

 

4. This is a stroke, you were healed, this pressure is for real.

 

5. You can't eat supper tonight ... it will only make things worse.

 

6. Chamomile tea doesn't fix anything. It just makes it worse. Go get some root beer down at the deli.

 

7. Don't stand on the balcony it is going to fall down.

 

8. Watch out for the carpet, it will trip you.

 

9. Call the doc, get some more valium, you need to calm this down.

 

My new "hobby" ... recording my benzo lies ... what a great distraction ...

 

Seriously, as you all know too very well, this is very hard stuff to work with and experience day to day ... and we all need a little peace and a smile or two wherever we can find it.

 

Take Care.

 

I am sorry but I actually had a bit of a laugh while reading your post. I was not laughing about your fears but to the fact that I too have these type of thoughts and they are really not in touch with reality.  Here is my main "silly thoughts"  today:

 

"Yeah, sure, you feel  good today because you are distracted. What are you going to do? distract yourself all the time?"

 

" You know when you slow down you will likely get depressed. Then what? Huh?"

 

What a nasty little bugger our brains are! It is kind of silly the way this w/d throws us into this tailspin of thoughts. I think the whole detox to w/d process is very traumatizing on the brain and the poor little old brain simply is soooooooo confused. I keep telling myself these are thoughts -- these are not me. But then again after over a year of this shit it gets tiring! I will survive and so will all of you . I am sure we are healing.

 

life,

 

[[li...]]

One thing I want to do guys and girls is say the truth ( not just benzo lies). The positive truth

 

Peace, I was wondering where you went.  Glad to here your back.  you are in month 6 and non of us ahead of you would trade our month 7,8,9 or plus month for month 5. Month five was brutal. We have waves but I do not think as bad as the rapid cycling and intrusive thoughts of month 5. Hang in there as even the waves get better. 

 

Free, things get much better in month 7,8,9 and so on. Windows come more often and waves are not as deep ( all the time) as earlier month.

 

Healing, Coop, Nova, I think we can all agree that our baseline ( given that we have deep waves sometimes) has improved dramatically.

 

I just dumped Gabapentin so my brain has been saying " Oh shit not you again. Just when I was getting use to this stuff". I told my brain to shut up and he did so . I am feeling much better now.

[[Co...]]

Nova,  Healing,  Peace,  Free and Life....We are all in a tough place right now. Your sharing of scary/silly thoughts have helped me so much today. Yes,  we should band together and laugh in the face of the Benzo Beast...and yes,  such a great point, hundreds of people all over the world sharing s/x could not be wrong...this is w/d.. nothing more.

....I hope I didn't start a contagious anxiety and discouragement with my post this morning. In spite of our downturns this day I do think the overall pattern for all of us is one of healing. Today is hard for me today,  but month 8 has been so much better than any month so far...better days are returning...so much love and gratitude for each one of you. ....coop

[[pe...]]

Ok, so I'm finishing 5-6. Months 6-7 were worse!?! I accepted a new job. It starts in 6 weeks. What have I done? I will just have to fake it until I make it or until I just can't. Deep breathing.

 

I hope people are finding a bit more peace and comfort as evening rolls in.

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

Ok, so I'm finishing 5-6. Months 6-7 were worse!?! I accepted a new job. It starts in 6 weeks. What have I done? I will just have to fake it until I make it or until I just can't. Deep breathing.

 

I hope people are finding a bit more peace and comfort as evening rolls in.

 

Peace2

 

You will fake it until you make it.  You can do it!  I taught through hellish days, and you know what?  No one even KNEW!  How crazy is that?? It's amazing at what we can do and how strong we can be when we need to.  Besides, you'll have another 6 weeks of healing under your belt by then! 

[[Co...]]

Peace,  everyone is different. Month 7 was no picnic for me,  but I think it was better than month 6. Month 8 was certainly better than any of the previous months...despite the current wave with head pressure. In mo th 7 I could fake my way through the events that were important to me. In month 8 I started going out more and feeling truly connected to most of the things I went to. It made me tired and I am still really vulnerable to stress. You might have some tough days,  but you will have good ones too. Go easy on yourself ..take it one day at a time.

[[li...]]

Peace I am sure that the job will be the best thing that you ever have done. The distractions will provide you a world of healing. Month 6 and 7 were not worst for me - they were better. That job is something you should embrace. I wished I had more structure in my life from 8-to 5. What type of job -- teacher?

 

Life

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Family. I appreciate your positive support. I've been wrapped up in my boys after being away from them for a week. My youngest is feverish and very clingy. He's ok, just like a little ember that wants to be held. They are helping me stay grounded and distracted, but I am absolutely symptomatic like many here.

 

Yes, I'm a teacher. I'm moving to a private school with a national reputation for being very good at what they do. It could be a great thing if I can toe the line for the first year or so, but there wil be a lot of eyes watching. I'll do what I can and take it day by day. I'll also be checking in with all of you as I go along.

 

Tomorrow is another day. I hope it's a better one for all of us.

 

[[He...]]

Peace,

What grade do you teach? I teach 4th at a private school.  I love it!!  It will do me a world of good when Sept comes and I can get back in the classroom.

[[He...]]

So from a wave of desperation and despair to a window of peace...all within 24 hours (and several up and downs within that 24 hours, definitely cycling).  I hope this one holds out!  I made dinner tonight (4 out of the last 5 nights...this is HUGE for me!), cleaned up the kitchen (even BIGGER!!), and made a small batch of snickerdoodles for my family.  I also went shopping for some overall shorts for my 13 year old, tutored a student in math, AND finished one huge assignment for my masters. 

There were times, like cooking dinner and when shopping, that my chest was very tight and sore...but it isn't just over my heart anymore, but wrapping around my rib cage.  Not fun, but not near as scary!  I can feel that it is a bone/muscular thing. 

 

But right now?  Total calmness, peace, and even some excitement for tomorrow's trip!  Ahhhhh.....Bliss.  :smitten:

 

I'm sending out the vibes and I hope you can catch them!

(((hugs))) and love 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... oh my goodness ... when this group gets "ramped-up" and "energized" the beast runs for the hills ...

 

I was tired last evening and put myself in sleep mode early ... a pretty good night ... logged on and read last evening's posts and my smile is so large my face is wonderfully stretching ... and I am glad I had my morning pee before I read Life's "Oh shit, not you again" ... 4 am rollicking laughter can have consequences ...

 

A great big high-five right up to the clouds for all of us ... and hugs all around ...

 

We are not "alone" in this ... wherever each of us finds ourselves on the Time-Line of the journey, whatever this day brings to us individually, we are here for ourselves and each other, when my "light" is getting a little dim I come here and each of you shares a bit of your light with me ... the beast doesn't stand a chance ...

 

Have a good Thursday, Folks. Light it up!

[[li...]]

Slept in and hanging out right now. Feeling calm and good. The benzo beast is scared by our "silly talk" yesterday and ran for his own wave. Benzo beast today is in his own wave! He ran away trying to figure out this group of well - interesting - people. I think with all our posts yesterday even the benzo beast would run out of fear. God bless all and I will check in and let you know how the rest of the day is going.

 

With all the ups and down, it would be so easy for doctors to misdiagnose this condition for a whole host of conditions. All along the right doctor would diagnose us all as "Bezobeastitus syndrome"! We are healing!!!!

 

life

[[Co...]]

Hi buds....I am back in!!....This is such crazy ride. Yesterday I was miserable..in pain and ready to see my primary ...pretty convinced that I had a brain tumor or approaching stroke...

....Today...woke up in a window after some pretty decent sleep.  The only reminder left over from my head pressure was a slight sore stiff neck..ingot up happy...happy...smiling at the dog again.Had my decaf on the patio with the geraniums tomatoes and basil ..all happily growing in the sun. Made my favorite smoothie.. cooked whatever needed to be pre- cooked for tonight 's dinner.( its nearly 100 where I live...havevto cook in the morning). ...and best of all...my grandsons are coming over for a swim this afternoon...so off to the grocery for some of their favorite icecream ...life is so good again...and I am so thankful....

.....Who knows how long this will hold,  but I am becoming more and more convinced that my waves are much shorter than in all previous months....yelling back at the Benzo Beast...and you all are adding your voice to mine....Benzo Beast is revealed...a paper tiger....however...don't go too far buddies I could be begging for help tomorrow ...or this afternoon...but this much I know.....Benzo Beast...you are going to hear us ROAR...

.....Thinking of every one of you today ...so happy for everyone having a better day...encouragement and support to those making it through today on hope and inner grit.

....Whoot and Peace..sending you hugs and wishes for big sunbreaks ......love and appreciation to all....coop

[[No...]]

Good Afternoon ... have a good afternoon with the youngins' Coop ...

 

I do believe I have stirred things up a bit for myself ... I have pedal edema in both legs from another drug miscarriage 6 or so years ago ... not threatening, but a nuisance ... I decided last weekend that I was going to "engage" the edema and start working on it ... I haven't been able to do so in the past because several attempts made the benzo stuff too much ... so I started using the compression socks again and working some qigong exercises that I know will help heal this for me ... and after three days I am seeing good results ... and kaboom ... got lit up some yesterday and after a good sleep found I was really lighting up today ... all the old stuff ... bloat ... wild tinnitus ... head pressure ... shortness of breath ... all the good stuff ...

 

Well, that's a nuisance ... and I intend to continue with this adjunct piece of healing ... I want my legs back ... I feel I am ready for it and I am determined to do it ... I know I am well along in the benzo recovery ... and it is important for me to engage the taichi and gigong again ... I had to stop entirely some four years ago because of all the confusing energy issues ... again those I thought might be able to help did not have a clue what was happening ...

 

I have been using these practices for over 20 years ... started learning them shortly after that first panic episode that introduced me to K ... I know what I am doing and can work back into the practice appropriately ... it is time for me to engage again ... been on my duff long enough ... a bit of crashing and banging from the benzo stuff does not feel debilitating any more ...

 

I certainly feel I have a ways to go with my recovery ... and it is time to start flexing a bit ... time to slowly start testing the waters ...

 

Good Healing.

[[pe...]]

Well, who's got the Rocky theme song cued up? I'm glad to hear that HH, Life, Coop and Nova are all better than the day before. You all seem to have synced your watches. I hope you all stay on this side of the wave. But we know now, even if you dip and sway around for a bit it will be a short wave compared to others in your past.

 

It's always a relief to hear you're feeling better.

 

Nova, sorry about your Edema. You sound like you've got a plan and a calm approach to working on it while keeping the benzo withdrawal in check. Congratulations on feeling strong enough to take it on. It's a sure sign of healing.

 

Coop- glad you're doing well and good to see you use the h word - Happy! I hope you have a wonderful visit with your sweet grandsons.

 

HH- you've accomplished a lot in a short while! You must be feeling more like yourself and I'm glad to hear it. I teach 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders.

 

I just returned from our three week trip. It may have been a little longer than that. I've slept poorly for the last 3 nights because we've been sharing a room with our boys while traveling. I'm so glad to be home and looking forward to getting everyone settled back into their own beds! I need some sleep. Unfortunately ( or maybe it's a good thing?) my benzo OCD is in overdrive so I've got to deal with the garden that's been left to grow wild the last three weeks. I'm also wanting to get all the travel stuff sorted and put away. And my oldest starts t-ball practice tonight. There's no time to dwell on my symptoms which surprisingly aren't to bad today. I've got sadness right below the surface, tired and that general spacey feeling. I'll take it.

 

Hi Lisa!

 

[[li...]]

After my gabapentin poopoo w/d fest I had 1 week ago, I see my baseline improving again. I know we are healing as I look back I can see such improvement in month 8 and 9. I had a wonderful day trip today with my wife in Asheville NC. I was stress free. Even when I feel great the benzo best said:

 

"Let me be significant! I want your attention."!!!!!! So what did it say today:

 

"Oh yeah sure! You feel good now but you know there is something wrong with you. You may have to deal with me for a while! What if you are dealing with ups and down you ENTIRE LIFE!"

 

That little snotty bastard! The nerve of him to interrupt such a wonderful day! What right does he have!

 

Love to all!

 

Life

[[...]]

Life, sounds like such a wonderful day!!

 

You tell benzo:

 

"You had your day, but I've taken my life back, see ya!" 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... got bit by the doubt bug pretty hard last night ... and probably has something to do with my birthday tomorrow ... I should have been a cow ... too much ruminating ...

 

And Time is a mysterious and sometimes dodgy companion ... so pull up your socks (no pun intended) you old coot and get present ... there ... the past just got invisible and I can smile, right here, right now ...

 

Happy Friday, Folks ... another stone on our Healing Cairn ...

[[...]]

Nova, you sound so good! Even through your rough spots you stay positive! I try to do the same as I believe it helps the healing process!!

 

Take care of yourself!!

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

Firstly, congrats Peace on an exciting new job ahead for you.  I hope you're feeling way better.

 

Coop and Life - so happy for you both on feeling much improved.

 

Nova- may today be a better day for you.

 

As for moi - I had a great window yesterday and was hoping for more than 8 hours.  In the afternoon extreme fatigue set in and I could tell another wave was coming.

 

My bladder acted up all night - I didn't sleep a wink - am so tired - I finally took 1/2 of a bladder pill to get my bladder to stop - Ditropan - it's not a benzo so I hope it doesn't work against me.  Does anyone else take any other meds occasionally?

 

I have windows each day but then severe wd symptoms  the other 2/3rd.  It's not enough.

 

Anyone else have or had this with the severe physical stuff?  Does it get better during moths 6-12?

 

xo,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Lisa ... yes it does get better ... I know my baseline is very good ... and I had a long stretch of days feeling very well ... yes that ended this week and I am feeling the symptoms of healing again ... and I know that will change again ... it takes a lot to stay with this process ... it is challenging for me everyday, even when I am feeling well ...

[[No...]]

GMIT ... I agree that staying positive does help the healing process ... and ... today I am doing some pretty good teetering between doubt and positive ... the head stuff is on full blast ... even a little dizzy from time to time ... haven't had that in a while ... and the shortness of breath is back for another visit ... quite rough this morning ... and I know it will pass as it always does ... but I don't feel like that right now ... participating in this whirlwind is exhausting mentally and physically as you all know ...

 

Take Care.

[[Fr...]]

Hi Nova, I'm happy to hear that your baseline keeps getting better.  Is your sleep getting better?

 

I don't seem to have a baseline - only windows and waves - is that normal for this wd process?

When I get a string of days at least that'll be proof that I'm healing.

Right now it's tough to say although I want to believe it's true. 

 

Did you ever have the internal agitation?  If so is that gone now or diminished?  I have trouble believing much right now.  How did your wife hang on?  I fear my hubby is wearing down from all this.

 

xo,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Lisa ... my wife must be getting tired of all this although she says not ... and she says she keeps seeing improvement and that helps her ...

 

I did not recognize a baseline until that first half-day window a while ago ... during the "cycling" over the past few weeks I felt I was in better shape all during it ... with the 11 day stretch I felt I am pretty far along ... not finished by any means but I feel a lot of healing has taken place ...

 

Internal agitation ... all during taper and for months and months post-taper ... then one day it wasn't there anymore ...

 

My sleep is much better ... I spent maybe a year and a half with 1 to 2 hours sleep per night and often no sleep ... now I am on a 4 to 6 hour sleep cycle although some nights are still just "dozing" ... mostly restful sleep now ...

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for telling me that Nova - that's very encouraging.  Right now, I'm in the hopeless stage still.  The symptoms, when present, are so strong and now no sleep and having to run to the bathroom all night is too much.  Your progress gives me such hope.

 

I'm not even after perfection at this point.  If the awful agitation would go away, I know everything would feel better.  When it goes away do does all pain and stiffness and urgency, anxiety and depression.

 

xo,

Lisa