6-12 month thread....

[[Fr...]]

Coop - I'm sorry you're not feeling well today - keep remembering how many good days you are having to boost you up.

 

I'm not well today either.  I'm cycling over about a 24 hour period or maybe even less.  The windows are less than 24 hours and the waves a bit longer bit they ease up over the last 5-6 hours or so.  It's exhausting.  Last night was poor sleep due to feeling so uncomfortable and this morning, aching and stiffness in the neck area.

 

Yesterday it was all fine.

 

How long will this last?

 

Nova, so happy for you.  Keep reporting back.

 

Love and healing to you all,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Coop and Lisa ... is this contagious? ... I was in the kitchen tending my meatballs and got a 10 minute panic episode ... oh well ... hopefully just a "flash in the pan" ... feel okay now, a bit battered and surprised ...

 

Hang on Coop and quit that "sorry" stuff ... rant away good Buddie ... and you know this will pass in a while ... Epsom time? ...

 

Lisa the "cycling" is a tough one ... and exhausting ... and you are getting through this ... maybe a cup of tea and some "outward" focus ...

 

Take Care Folks.

[[Co...]]

Lisa and Nova....thank you so much...Nova..glad yo hear that you weathered the mini panic..and that it passed...carry on with your very good healing....

....Lisa...I will be thinking of you today too..hope your wave passes....we will all get through this....here 's to better days...and yes,  today will definitely be an epsome salts day....thank goodness for at least epsome salts....coop

[[Fr...]]

thanks for the kind words Coop and Nova

 

I think it's epsom bath time for me too

 

this cycling is not fun - what happened to the longer windows I was having    this makes no sense

 

Nova - you're ok  this will only be a minor blip    stay well  you will!

 

I will keep trying to observe myself rather than engage in the wave    so tiring

[[am...]]

Found this post very helpful:

 

Hello Sean,

 

I saw your question and put together some information that may be helpful. I am the type of person who seeks to know what is happening and why, it brings comfort to me. I hope it does the same for you.

 

 

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor C. Heather Ashton, 2002

 

Depression. “Depressive symptoms are common both during long- term benzodiazepine use and in withdrawal. It is not surprising that some patients feel depressed considering the amalgam of other psychological and physical symptoms that may assail them.”

 

 

“The Accidental Addict” by Di Porritt & Di Russell,  2006

 

Depression:

 

“Benzodiazepines act as a depressant. After people have fully recovered many look back and realize that they endured low- grade depression that for years took the pleasure out of life while they were still on benzos.”

 

“After coming off the pills, depression about being trapped in the withdrawal process itself is not uncommon. “

 

“But the deepest, darkest kind of depression in withdrawal is not “about” anything external, any event in your life. It is spontaneous depression; caused by the biochemical disorder of withdrawal. It comes and goes at random. Those who suffer from this kind of depression – more aptly called despair – sometimes find it more unbearable than physical pain.”

 

 

“Benzo-Wise, A Recovery Companion” by Bliss Johns, 2010

 

Depressive mood: low, heavy mood, flat affect, unmotivated, feeling of hopelessness

 

Depressive Thoughts or Low Moods

 

“I hesitate to use the term depression to describe the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, social withdrawal, lack of enjoyment in activities and other issues that present in some people who experience a difficult withdrawal. This is because these feelings are a combination of organic reaction due to discontinuance of the drug and having to cope with the repercussions. Directly or indirectly, they are present as a result of withdrawal.”

 

When these moods of hopelessness are overwhelming, there is an inability to conceive a positive thought, be motivated or proactive. This is when talking to someone about your feelings can help. A phone call to a helpline may assist in lightening your mood. You do not need to explain about withdrawal or justify why you feel the way you do; a good helpline worker will listen actively and without judgment. If you have the support of family or friends, you could share how you feel and ask that someone checks in with you regularly.”

 

“Interacting with nature can be uplifting too and you may find going for walks or a swim uplifting. External aids are valuable at this time and some people have found that while they cannot elicit a positive feeling, it can be triggered by a motivational or relaxation CD or book.”

 

 

 

"Your Drug May Be Your Problem, How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Medications" 2007 fully revised and updated edition, by Peter Breggin, M.D. (a Psychiatrist)

 

Chapter 3 Your Drug May Be Your Problem-----But You May Be the Last to Know

 

Common Adverse Effects on Your Thinking, Feeling, and Behaving

 

Depression. Many psychiatric drugs can lead to depression, involving a loss of enjoyment of life, feelings of gloom and hopelessness, and even suicidal feelings or attempts. The final draft of the label for Prozac--- the description included on the package insert--- initially said that "depression" was "frequently" reported as an adverse effect of the drug. However, the reference to depression was edited out at the last minute. Secret documents in the files of Eli Lilly, the manufacturer of Prozac, reveal that, in comparison to placebo's and other antidepressants, the drug caused an increased rate of suicide attempts in controlled clinical trials. Patients often become more depressed on antidepressants, but doctors then mistakenly increase the dose."

 

"Almost all psychiatric drugs--- from the minor tranquilizers to stimulants like Ritalin--- can cause depression. For example, depression is generally recognized as a potential result of taking Antabuse, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, barbiturates, benzodiazepine tranquilizers, beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, narcotics, neuroleptics, and stimulants."

 

I hope this is helpful,

 

Summer

 

Life4me - Thanks for posting this. It is amazing how the benzo withdrawal poisoning makes us question ourselves so much. We aren't "broken", we're just trying to heal from an insanely slow process. 

[[pa...]]

Insanely slow?  True Dat! 

 

Ama, are you doing any exercise?  I tried around month 3 and experienced increased insomnia and anxiety.  I tried it again yesterday after work, and guess what?  Insomnia and anxiety.  It's really unbelievable how slow this process is.  It's amazing that anyone ever gets off these meds.  If I had not found the BB site, I'd probably have reinstated by this point.

 

Interestingly, I've been emailing literature and papers on benzo withdrawal to my pysch doc, and I thought he was really coming around and demonstrating an interest in understanding this beast.  He emailed me back last week and told me that he's willing to reinstate me on Valium.  WTF?  Why would I do that at 6 months out and what would that accomplish?  He just doesn't get it, and I'm not going to waste my time any longer with him.

[[li...]]

Hi everyone. I just want to say how important you all are to me in this process. I would not have come this far if it were not for the Buddies. As you all know my last remaining issue is depression. I am not sure why this is the last one but then again  I will never know so I might as well accept it. I find that many times the process of waves and windows is a cognitive event/ The brain registers positive day and then more positive day and it says " Wow, I know this may not last" and then it becomes a self fluffing process. This is not to say that all the waves come this way -- just in my case some of them. The wave then comes and we may say "See I knew it". I guess I am not sure how to overcome this process but Nova said something very important after her panic today -- "Oh well">>> That is I think the key. Not overblowing the symptoms. Then we get panic about panic if we do not follow this. I know easier said than done. I am going like mad to try mindfulness and being present to get "out of my head" and also "acceptance". it has helped me so much.

 

This is truly a hard process all. Can you imagine f we did not have BB and we were going through this? No one here would believe that we are dealing with symptoms 9,10 plus months out. I know 100% that we are healing. It is just a hard process.

 

 

Symptoms:

 

anxiety -- Minimal

Intrusive thoughts -gone

Restlessness - almost gone

Physical - gone

irritability - slight to medium

Cycling moods - present

Depression - not gone ( deep at times)

Functionality - medium

 

Love to all,

 

life

[[He...]]

Hi healing ,

 

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Is there any external stressors that caused this or have you taken anything in the past there weeks that is different -- supplements etc? If not, that is ok. When I talked to my addiction specialist doctor he basically said that is the way this w/d process goes. You may bee feeling like this for weeks and then all of the sudden a window opens up and it stays open forever. It is spontaneous. The problem with benzo w/d is that it always tries to subvert your confidence so that when you get a window you do not you do not think its going to last. When you get in a wave you think it will last forever. I know 100% that we are all healing. You are not going backward you simply are in a non linear healing process and yes it sucks. We all wish that this process was like a scab - you cut yourself, you heal and the scab falls off. Healing here is not predictable.

 

Coop , thank you so much for your ind comments. I have said all along that my last remaining symptom is depression and so that has bore out to still be true. I know I am healing and I am getting much better. Just please pray for me that me last symptom leaves.

 

Love to all.

 

life

 

Thanks Life,

I definitely have stressors going on:  still not sure the fate of our house and if we will have to move in a few months, I have several assignments to do for my new class before leaving town tomorrow, we are leaving town for the weekend and sharing a house with another family, our dog is still healing from his surgery and he still have some incontinence issues.  I guess those are enough to trigger off a tsunami!  I am SO ready to just be able to feel stress normally....not have it become some catastrophic thing!!!  I wonder how long that will take?

 

 

[[Fr...]]

This is going to sound weird but my body sometimes feels like its all locked up - like I have lock jaw of the body.

 

My neck tightens up and it feels as if my brain is locked inside a too-tight space.  Does that make sense.

 

I think the valium used to keep muscles softer so now my body locks up and blood flow is actually restricted to the brain.  Is this a nuts theory?

 

Lisa

[[He...]]

A cycling phase.  I guess that is a good description of where I have been for a while.  Up~down~up~down...it's relentless and exhausting.  I do think that this summer is an intense phase of healing for me.  I am not as distracted from how I feel and I have to learn to get through the tough times.  When school was in session, it was like I was so busy that even during my tough times when I felt like I was going to die, there was enough to distract and pull me out.  I would also always feel worse during the weekends because that wasn't there.  Now in the summer I have to figure this out and not let it swamp me. 

 

Yesterday swamped me.  My wave peaked to an intensity that I barely got out of bed.    I finally got up to take a shower about 2:30 but then pretty much crawled back in.  I also didn't make two events that I had scheduled: a tutoring session and a BBQ at the school.  That is scary!  The idea that I stayed in bed and couldn't make it to two events freaked me out.  Panic and depression just rolled into each other and fed off each other.  I kept having thoughts that I was getting worse and worse, and this was my new normal.  Yesterday was probably one of my top two worst days ever in this recovery process!    I have to admit that having one of my worst days ever, at over a year off, is terrifying!  It really caused me to question healing and wonder if this was just me. 

 

Today I am doing much better.  Not great, by any means, but much better.  I'm out of bed, I'm headed to the school to work on my assignments, I've already taken the dog out for a little over a mile walk (he's building back up from surgery), and I am working on eating breakfast.  My anxiety is still up today, but my depression is less. My physical symptoms have seemed to have decreased as well. 

 

I'm sorry to hear that several of you are having a tough day today. 

Prayers of healing for all of us! 

 

 

 

 

[[li...]]

Hi healing ,

 

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Is there any external stressors that caused this or have you taken anything in the past there weeks that is different -- supplements etc? If not, that is ok. When I talked to my addiction specialist doctor he basically said that is the way this w/d process goes. You may bee feeling like this for weeks and then all of the sudden a window opens up and it stays open forever. It is spontaneous. The problem with benzo w/d is that it always tries to subvert your confidence so that when you get a window you do not you do not think its going to last. When you get in a wave you think it will last forever. I know 100% that we are all healing. You are not going backward you simply are in a non linear healing process and yes it sucks. We all wish that this process was like a scab - you cut yourself, you heal and the scab falls off. Healing here is not predictable.

 

Coop , thank you so much for your ind comments. I have said all along that my last remaining symptom is depression and so that has bore out to still be true. I know I am healing and I am getting much better. Just please pray for me that me last symptom leaves.

 

Love to all.

 

life

 

Thanks Life,

I definitely have stressors going on:  still not sure the fate of our house and if we will have to move in a few months, I have several assignments to do for my new class before leaving town tomorrow, we are leaving town for the weekend and sharing a house with another family, our dog is still healing from his surgery and he still have some incontinence issues.  I guess those are enough to trigger off a tsunami!  I am SO ready to just be able to feel stress normally....not have it become some catastrophic thing!!!  I wonder how long that will take?

 

 

How long in anyones guess but my addiction specialist said 8 month people turn the corner and by 12 month many heal but definitely by 18 months BUT on BB the average time is 14 months according to a study I read. Hang in there. You are closer to the exit of the cave than you are to the entrance. That I am pretty sure. We are healing!!!!!

 

Life

[[Fr...]]

HH  I'm glad you're having a way better day of it

 

 

[[He...]]

Hi healing ,

 

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Is there any external stressors that caused this or have you taken anything in the past there weeks that is different -- supplements etc? If not, that is ok. When I talked to my addiction specialist doctor he basically said that is the way this w/d process goes. You may bee feeling like this for weeks and then all of the sudden a window opens up and it stays open forever. It is spontaneous. The problem with benzo w/d is that it always tries to subvert your confidence so that when you get a window you do not you do not think its going to last. When you get in a wave you think it will last forever. I know 100% that we are all healing. You are not going backward you simply are in a non linear healing process and yes it sucks. We all wish that this process was like a scab - you cut yourself, you heal and the scab falls off. Healing here is not predictable.

 

Coop , thank you so much for your ind comments. I have said all along that my last remaining symptom is depression and so that has bore out to still be true. I know I am healing and I am getting much better. Just please pray for me that me last symptom leaves.

 

Love to all.

 

life

 

Thanks Life,

I definitely have stressors going on:  still not sure the fate of our house and if we will have to move in a few months, I have several assignments to do for my new class before leaving town tomorrow, we are leaving town for the weekend and sharing a house with another family, our dog is still healing from his surgery and he still have some incontinence issues.  I guess those are enough to trigger off a tsunami!  I am SO ready to just be able to feel stress normally....not have it become some catastrophic thing!!!  I wonder how long that will take?

 

 

How long in anyones guess but my addiction specialist said 8 month people turn the corner and by 12 month many heal but definitely by 18 months BUT on BB the average time is 14 months according to a study I read. Hang in there. You are closer to the exit of the cave than you are to the entrance. That I am pretty sure. We are healing!!!!!

 

Life

 

It's good to (again) hear what your addiction specialist said.  Yesterday totally and completely shook my confidence in this whole process:  from if I was healing, to if I ever would heal, to even if I were actually mentally ill and this had nothing to do with taking benzos. 

 

I would not make it through this process without all of you guys! 

[[li...]]

Healing I totally understand and agree with you. I do think that everyone here on BB from time to time thinks they may have become mentally ill or has gotten some condition. That is I believe normal to think that. I know I do. I think what is unique to benzo sufferers is that we have these windows and waves that is unique. Im not sure any other group of people have these ups and downs.

 

life

[[...]]

It's true the ups and downs are unique, even my doctor mentioned windows to be a good sign as diseases or illnesses usually get worse not better.

 

It's interesting to read of healing taking 8-14 months and possibly 18. I can only speak for myself but I'm at 8 months and although I'm still very sick there has been slight improvements which are starting to become apparent. As many mention for some healing is hard to notice as it's so slow, others notice it before I do.

 

 

Cheers to everyone,

 

 

Fonz

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ...

 

After my short panic event this morning I have felt moderately lousy all day ... however ... here is the fun part ...

 

Benzo Lies the Beast told me today:

 

1. See, you had 11 days ... you got healed ... now you are really sick.

 

2. See, there are a couple of floaters and your left eye is blurry ... call the eye doc you have a cataract.

 

3. Call Mrs. Nova and have her stop at the bank so you have enough cash to take the taxi to the ER tonight.

 

4. This is a stroke, you were healed, this pressure is for real.

 

5. You can't eat supper tonight ... it will only make things worse.

 

6. Chamomile tea doesn't fix anything. It just makes it worse. Go get some root beer down at the deli.

 

7. Don't stand on the balcony it is going to fall down.

 

8. Watch out for the carpet, it will trip you.

 

9. Call the doc, get some more valium, you need to calm this down.

 

My new "hobby" ... recording my benzo lies ... what a great distraction ...

 

Seriously, as you all know too very well, this is very hard stuff to work with and experience day to day ... and we all need a little peace and a smile or two wherever we can find it.

 

Take Care.

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Nova - eleven good days is wonderful.  Hang on, those wonderful days are coming back very soon.

 

Yes a smile is definitely uplifting.

 

Lisa

[[He...]]

The benzo lies are loud here today, too.

 

Here are mine:

 

1.  The chest pressure that you are feeling is really the precursor to a heart attack.

 

2.  It may be time to go to the ER.

 

3.  You are getting worse and worse.

 

4.  You won't be able to stop a panic attack if it happens.

 

5.  You have been a bad mommy to your girls and if you do die today (from heart attack in Lie # 1), they will only remember you in bed a lot. 

 

And the worst one...

 

6.  "Benzo lies" are a lie, and this is all real. 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Oh,  Nova....I could have written that post myself.  I have had about maybe 10 days of decent baseline,  one nice window and a confidence in healing...as though I could actually feel the healing happening. ....Enter Benzo Beast to mess with my head. ......Here is the reality...yesterday I had a lot of head pressure..it morphed into head pressure with ear pressure and moderate tinnitus...it continued through the night with insomnia and anxiety..it continued I to early morning with nausea and dizziness I took 12 mg of mclazine and 6 mg of atenolol and 300 mg of aspirin..  By noon things were feeling a little better. I have had all of these s/x a hundred times over...and survived...

....Here is Benzo Beast 's version....much like Nova 's....

.......you have a brain tumor

.......you are having a stroke

.......you better not have an epsome salts soak..you could stroke in the tub

.......you shouldn't go to PT...you could have a stroke there

.......there is something VERY wrong..

.......you are probably dying

.......you better stay in bed today

........you should make an appointment with the neurologist

. ......you should make an appointment with the cardiologist

.........you should make an appointment with the primary

.........you should make an appointment with thevENT

.........you are never getting out of this..this is forever

.........this is not w/d...this is dire life threatening condition

.........there is a thunderstorm brewing..lightening is going to strike our condo

........your grandson is at overnight camp...he is going to fall unnoticed into the lake

....well you get the gist...Nova had it spot on...

...Thank you Nova for sharing your very good coping strategy for the ever ever chattering screaming and whispering voice of the Benzo Beast.. 

.....things are still very difficult and full of anxiety today...but thanks to the support of all of you.. I am getting through it...tomorrow is another day...

....wishing everyone some healing today...love to all Coop

[[Co...]]

HH...and Nova...lol....that Benzo Beast is a wiley one...with a big scary roar...heard across all the lands of the planet.

....I hate it that anyone suffers with any part of this...but HH and Nova..I can not thank you enough for sharing your private conversations with Benzo Beast...it has helped me so much today to have a look see into your kaleidoscopes of fear and anxiety...looks just like the crazy patterns in my kaleidoscope.

....I hope this fades for all of us.  ..thanks abasing..you have saved me 6 trips to various specialists and the er...coop

[[Fr...]]

Oh I hope you feel way better Coop.  I'm sorry that a wave came along.  It will be shortlived.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

I am so tired and so angry. We have all weathered so much and continue to weather. I  am four days away from the 6 month mark and I feel better in some ways and still so very sick and damaged. I'm feeling absolutely disillusioned to be this far out and still suffering. And all of my friends ahead of me, Nova, HH, Life, Coop are suffering too. But I hope this round of symptoms is short lived for each of you. You are each so generous and full of bright and positive material. I'm following behind you, eager to see you each firmly walking in the light. In the meantime, be here. Let's stay together. My biggest love to all of you!

 

Peace2

[[Fr...]]

Hi Peace -

 

I'm here too, with you, in a wave cycling phase and so empathetic.  Very discouraged and upset too and almost in disbelief.  I can barely comprehend what has happened to us all. 

 

I miss people so much.  I miss having fun with my husband and sons. They just went out to dinner without me because I don't feel up to it tonight.  I'm so scared and so lonely.  I feel locked inside myself with pain

 

and yet I have full windows off and on.  My brain won't click in and get them to stay.  I feel so deformed and like this is forever but that is the lack of correct chemicals in the brain - not enough gaba. 

 

I will carry on with all of you and make it out of all this.  We will stick together and we will make it.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Lisa- 

[[He...]]

HH...and Nova...lol....that Benzo Beast is a wiley one...with a big scary roar...heard across all the lands of the planet.

....I hate it that anyone suffers with any part of this...but HH and Nova..I can not thank you enough for sharing your private conversations with Benzo Beast...it has helped me so much today to have a look see into your kaleidoscopes of fear and anxiety...looks just like the crazy patterns in my kaleidoscope.

....I hope this fades for all of us.  ..thanks abasing..you have saved me 6 trips to various specialists and the er...coop

 

Coop,

Let's go hunting and slay the beast!!    It actually helped me tremendously to read both your and Nova's list.  It calmed my fears down and I'm doing OK right now.

I hope it has faded for you, too, my friend.

 

I keep telling myself that there is NO WAY that people all over the world, who have never met, could be having the same symptoms, with the same thought patterns, if it wasn't the benzos talking.