6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

See ... I still can't type ... gotta stick around til I learn how ... 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Nova - you are such a calming, centering presence and help us all so much.  One night I did what you said and tried to observe what was happening and it helped me avoid pain, so thank you.

 

Lisa

[[wh...]]

Thanks Nova; glad you are feeling better....success story soon I hope.  You have been so kind and comforting.

 

I just don't know how to make it through today.  Other days I just push through...but this seems worse.

I barely sleep and if I do I wake up badly.....sometimes terrified and it won't stop.

Will it pass?  it's unbearable right now.

The other day I was golfing and swimming.....I didn't really enjoy it like I should but I did it....

today I'm paralyzed with dread and doom....

I've been praying for this to stop....

I'm so greatful for all of you here.....no one else can understand. 

 

 

 

[[ga...]]

well whoot...I certainly understand.  I have been where you are.  There have been days when I wake up over come with fear, dread and intrusive thoughts.  I have no idea why our brains latch onto this garbage.  You would think we could control some of this thinking but it feels pretty much hopeless.  I can tell you it ebbs and flows.  Even today, I woke up having some very irrational thoughts about future events, lots of "what if's".  Now that I am home I am going to have to find distraction.  Today it will be a workout on the treadmill and then 18 holes of golf.  Golf is my distractor.  I have days where I can immerse myself and then others where I just can't get into it.  I try and take the days as they come, good and not so good.  The bad days will pass.  Just be patient.  I know how hard it is.  My thoughts are with you.

[[pa...]]

Today marks 6 months off of klonopin, so I thought I would join your thread if that's alright.  Alot of things have improved since the jump, but some things are still the same:  broken sleep, waking between 2-4 am, catastrophic thinking, muscle and joint pain, and severe intolerance to stress. 

 

I started attending a mindfulness meditation group yesterday to teach me some new coping skills.

 

PB

[[wh...]]

Thank you Garton

I will try to get through this today.  The fear is so strong.....it colors everything I do.

I have a good man; family; health ...besides this benzo stuff.....

no reason for fear...makes it harder because I just don't understand or believe it could really be happening.

I'll keep on keepin on......you to0

You sound good....I just need it to be manageable so I can work on real life issues and normal day to day struggles.

I'm so scared of this sometimes.

Thank you for helping me.

[[ga...]]

Reading your posts you sound so similar to me in what you're thinking and feeling.  I am muddling though it as you are.  I just have a difficult time dealing with the intrusive thoughts which generally hit me early in the morning when I'm laying in bed.  My mind just drifts to this stuff instead of realities of all the good things in my life and just trying to enjoy the day ahead.  For me, this stuff just comes and goes in phases.  No idea how, why, when...I seem to ask questions that have no answers.  Just try your best to take it one day at a time and keep trying to push the bad thoughts out of your mind.  Some days you feel like you're just going through the motions of living...that's okay...there will be better days ahead.

[[Co...]]

Whoot...yes...it is all w/d and benzos...you are in the worst part of this whole ordeal...it is all so convincing. For me the only way our was to just get through it...you really have no control over this part of it...it is exactly like the transition phase of child birth...it takes on a power of its own....this is the part where you are begging for an epidural or c-section. .. Whoot...it will get better,  but your mind cant believe that it will. Nova is right...abhor other sensory stimulus will help some. ..for me it was as many lavender epsome salts baths as I needed...going outside to feel any wind..light rain...even the cold was calming. I also agree that rest is so important and going gently with yourself. I didn't think it would ever end....and I am the wimpiest of girls..  it is getting better...not healed by any means but now I FEEL the healing happening. I still get s/x but in a much more muted way and I have greater tolerance for them.  I still get tired after a day of too much doing.

......You are going to be ok Whoot.  Go one day at a time. ...coop

[[Co...]]

Life...I just want you to know that it was your sharing of your addiction specialist 's suggestion of 8 months being a month of turn around that got me from month 6-8...-and all of your posts of daily progress....just wanted to thank you again for staying with us...wishing you a success story as you get to the one year mark....we love you....coop

[[am...]]

Today marks 6 months off of klonopin, so I thought I would join your thread if that's alright.  Alot of things have improved since the jump, but some things are still the same:  broken sleep, waking between 2-4 am, catastrophic thinking, muscle and joint pain, and severe intolerance to stress. 

 

I started attending a mindfulness meditation group yesterday to teach me some new coping skills.

 

PB

 

Hello PB. Sounds like you and I are suffering from some of the same crap still. I have had bad insomnia the last 2 nights and I have really never had sleep issues before in my life. I always wondered why people complain so much about insomnia here, but after you lay awake in bed for hours at a time for a couple of nights in a row, it becomes very obvious why. I seem to be losing some of the joint achiness, but also seem to be having more mental junk going on than I have had for a while. Seems anhedonia or depression is trying to make another stand as well. This withdrawal crap just doesn't want to let go..... Good healing. 

[[No...]]

Hi PB ... lots of good folks here ... chime in ... I had the insomnia stuff for a long time ... it gradually eased up ... I went so long on 1 or 2 hours a night that I gave up worrying about it ... if I couldn't sleep I just got up and did something else ... when it is going on it can be very worrying ... and it didn't seem to bother me much in the long run ... I calculated one time the benzo beast owes me just over 3285 hours of sleep ... don't think I will ever collect and I don't need to ... now I just chuckle and think of all the Buddies I have met by not sleeping so much ... I think I got the better of the deal ...

 

Take Care.

[[Fr...]]

A nice window today, opened for me guys.  I don't trust this yet and it isn't perfect but how great to feel relaxed by 3 and be able to chat and connect with my son without a cotton head feeling and no pain.  My neck moves just fine and no brain tumor or encephalitis for today.  Hopefully month 8 feels like this always.

 

AMA - I hope the depression and anhedonia lifts soon for you and sleep happens easily.

 

PEACE and WW and GMIT - hope you're feeling better today and always.

 

Love you all,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Lisa ... wonderful ... I can "hear" your smile ... and "always" is coming ... 

[[Co...]]

Lisa...so happy to hear that your head wave lifted and you have a window today.  I think month. 8 will continue to be better if not perfect.  ...wishing you more and more days of windows..coop....

....Ps..I think your head s/x have taken up residence in my head. I had a headache when I got up this morning and head pressure and that boaty swaying sensation through the first half of the day. If the head pressure issue would let go I would be consistantly at 65-70% .  almost on a daily basis. ..I also suffer ' brain tumor ' ...' pre-stroke ' . ..'brain inflammation ' for some part of most days..  waiting waiting for this one to go away,  it still scares me sometimes.  Very happy for you that you are feeling better.. coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...when did your head/ear pressure let up?...This one is hanging on and hanging on. It appeared at the end of May (may 27)...so about 5 weeks now...to some extent 5 days out of 7...It still scares me sometimes as I don't recall having the head pressure at all until well into month 6....thanks Nova for any encouragement with this....and yay yay for you stepping into big healing.  Coop

[[He...]]

I feel like I'm going backwards and getting worse, and I think my husband does too.  :'(  I have been in a brutal wave for the longest time.  I don't know if I am cycling frequently or if it the same one that just lessens a bit, but I don't think I've felt a full day of "good" in several weeks.  I've had times within a day of feeling good, but not a full day.  I am so, so, so discouraged and afraid!  :'(

Today has been the worst yet.  I've felt lots of anxiety, internal jitters, fear, deep depression, nausea, overall sick, plugged ears, cotton filled head, difficulties with my eyes, boatiness, and I've spent until 2:00 today in bed, and often in tears.  I made myself get up and at least take a shower.  I was suppose to tutor a student this morning, but I had to cancel.  :'( :'( :'(  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I haven't been hit this hard and with this many symptoms all at once in MONTHS.  What is going on???  I am so afraid.

 

I did go out for a walk this morning like I said I would, but it didn't seem to help. 

 

Please, I need some encouragement..... 

[[wh...]]

Happy for you Lisa wide open window and blue; sunny skies for you.......

Everyone here...love to you.

for those who feel good; stay well and enjoy.

For the others of us; stay strong it will come.

Coop I get the head stuff now too.  Now I know what you guys are talking about...ick.

Of course brain tumor; stroke; can't breathe stuff as well....benzo brain hell.

Went swimming anyways; still breathing; no stroke.....lol.

I'm going to laugh at my benzo brain today.

And Nova I'll do the same thing about sleep.  More time to talk to you guys.

Be well everyone.  Love you all.

[[li...]]

Hi healing ,

 

I am so sorry that you feel this way. Is there any external stressors that caused this or have you taken anything in the past there weeks that is different -- supplements etc? If not, that is ok. When I talked to my addiction specialist doctor he basically said that is the way this w/d process goes. You may bee feeling like this for weeks and then all of the sudden a window opens up and it stays open forever. It is spontaneous. The problem with benzo w/d is that it always tries to subvert your confidence so that when you get a window you do not you do not think its going to last. When you get in a wave you think it will last forever. I know 100% that we are all healing. You are not going backward you simply are in a non linear healing process and yes it sucks. We all wish that this process was like a scab - you cut yourself, you heal and the scab falls off. Healing here is not predictable.

 

Coop , thank you so much for your ind comments. I have said all along that my last remaining symptom is depression and so that has bore out to still be true. I know I am healing and I am getting much better. Just please pray for me that me last symptom leaves.

 

Love to all.

 

life

[[li...]]

Nova that is so awesome that you are riding the window to ultimate healing. I was wondering have you ever had depression? Did that let up anytime?

 

Life

[[li...]]

Found this post very helpful:

 

Hello Sean,

 

I saw your question and put together some information that may be helpful. I am the type of person who seeks to know what is happening and why, it brings comfort to me. I hope it does the same for you.

 

 

 

“The Ashton Manual” by Professor C. Heather Ashton, 2002

 

Depression. “Depressive symptoms are common both during long- term benzodiazepine use and in withdrawal. It is not surprising that some patients feel depressed considering the amalgam of other psychological and physical symptoms that may assail them.”

 

 

“The Accidental Addict” by Di Porritt & Di Russell,  2006

 

Depression:

 

“Benzodiazepines act as a depressant. After people have fully recovered many look back and realize that they endured low- grade depression that for years took the pleasure out of life while they were still on benzos.”

 

“After coming off the pills, depression about being trapped in the withdrawal process itself is not uncommon. “

 

“But the deepest, darkest kind of depression in withdrawal is not “about” anything external, any event in your life. It is spontaneous depression; caused by the biochemical disorder of withdrawal. It comes and goes at random. Those who suffer from this kind of depression – more aptly called despair – sometimes find it more unbearable than physical pain.”

 

 

“Benzo-Wise, A Recovery Companion” by Bliss Johns, 2010

 

Depressive mood: low, heavy mood, flat affect, unmotivated, feeling of hopelessness

 

Depressive Thoughts or Low Moods

 

“I hesitate to use the term depression to describe the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, sadness, social withdrawal, lack of enjoyment in activities and other issues that present in some people who experience a difficult withdrawal. This is because these feelings are a combination of organic reaction due to discontinuance of the drug and having to cope with the repercussions. Directly or indirectly, they are present as a result of withdrawal.”

 

When these moods of hopelessness are overwhelming, there is an inability to conceive a positive thought, be motivated or proactive. This is when talking to someone about your feelings can help. A phone call to a helpline may assist in lightening your mood. You do not need to explain about withdrawal or justify why you feel the way you do; a good helpline worker will listen actively and without judgment. If you have the support of family or friends, you could share how you feel and ask that someone checks in with you regularly.”

 

“Interacting with nature can be uplifting too and you may find going for walks or a swim uplifting. External aids are valuable at this time and some people have found that while they cannot elicit a positive feeling, it can be triggered by a motivational or relaxation CD or book.”

 

 

 

"Your Drug May Be Your Problem, How and Why to Stop Taking Psychiatric Medications" 2007 fully revised and updated edition, by Peter Breggin, M.D. (a Psychiatrist)

 

Chapter 3 Your Drug May Be Your Problem-----But You May Be the Last to Know

 

Common Adverse Effects on Your Thinking, Feeling, and Behaving

 

Depression. Many psychiatric drugs can lead to depression, involving a loss of enjoyment of life, feelings of gloom and hopelessness, and even suicidal feelings or attempts. The final draft of the label for Prozac--- the description included on the package insert--- initially said that "depression" was "frequently" reported as an adverse effect of the drug. However, the reference to depression was edited out at the last minute. Secret documents in the files of Eli Lilly, the manufacturer of Prozac, reveal that, in comparison to placebo's and other antidepressants, the drug caused an increased rate of suicide attempts in controlled clinical trials. Patients often become more depressed on antidepressants, but doctors then mistakenly increase the dose."

 

"Almost all psychiatric drugs--- from the minor tranquilizers to stimulants like Ritalin--- can cause depression. For example, depression is generally recognized as a potential result of taking Antabuse, anticonvulsants, antidepressants, barbiturates, benzodiazepine tranquilizers, beta blockers, calcium channel blockers, narcotics, neuroleptics, and stimulants."

 

I hope this is helpful,

 

Summer

[[Fr...]]

HH - it sounds like you are in a bad wave that will eventually pass.  Hold on and keep pushing through it; you will.

 

The lovely window closed a bit around 8 PM and I'm praying it won't get any worse that it is now.

 

Coop - I hope the head pressure lift for you completely soon.  You're in a wave too but it sound like the wave sare lessening in intensity for you - remember that - this too shall pass.

 

I've noticed that the head pain seems to be working its way around my head in a circle - we'll see - anyone else have that happen?

 

It feels almost like it is making its healing rounds - at least  I hope that's what is going on.

 

Praying for everyone,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Coop ... head / ear pressure ... mine left when I stopped "cycling" at the end of June ... the pressure stuff still pops up for a bit and drops off very quickly now that I seem to be on what I am calling the "90% plateau" ... for me this is the "nibbles - but no bites" phase ... the "cycling" lasted several weeks as I remember ...

 

Hope this helps.

[[No...]]

HealingHope ... your description sounds like what I am calling my "cycling" phase ... in general mine went on a 3 to 4 hour cycle ... intense then dropping off ... then intense again and dropping off ... I couldn't set my watch by it but that seems to have been my pattern ... this phase lasted maybe about a month ... and it was very exhausting ... once I recognized the pattern I found that I could "leave it alone" and get on with my day somewhat ... and then as suddenly as it started it stopped ... and has not come back for almost two weeks ...

 

My sense is that before the "cycling" started I was at about a 60% baseline ... when it ended I believe I may be at about a "90% plateau" ... been here for about 11 days or so ... what I am calling "nibbles - but no bites" phase ... not done with this stuff yet, but am feeling much more "comfortable" ...

 

So, is "cycling" the passage from 60% to 90%? ... I don't know yet ... just waiting and watching a bit ...

 

Take Care.

[[No...]]

Life ... after reading your quote post (btw thanks so much for these quotes) I can say with certainty I have been "depressed" for over 20 years ... and I would say for me completely drug induced ...

 

I have read the books you quote from many times ... I just did not "connect" with depression ... being on this "plateau" for the last several days has given me the opportunity to use my "hindsight" and get some useful clarifications of this process ...

 

One thought that is present for me is that I need to continue to "go slow" ... this process has indeed been exhausting ... traumatic ... and wonderfully healing ...

 

For me, as far as "generalized depression" goes I can only say it is magically lifting day to day ... along with all the other stuff ... I have not done anything specific in regards to it ... I consider the whole recovery process as my dragging a large black bag around, day to day, and it keeps getting lighter ... one time I even tried putting wheels under it but the beast ate the tires for breakfast ... oh well ...

 

We are all getting there ...

[[Co...]]

Just a check in and update....warning...this is not a very positive post. .....After a string of pretty decent days....today is beginning to feel exactly like a day in acute. I haven't had a night/morning like this since month 4. .  Nausea.  motion sensation...awake at 3am . still awake...weird intrusive memories ( thought this one was gone).  head pressure/headache...tinnitus. anxiety ( haven't had real chemical anxiety for days)  depression...crying from fatigue and frustration.. health fear. 

....ok..just venting because it helps.  I know it is all w/d.. that it will get better again.  etc etc...trying to pick myself up and get through the day...hoping this is a half day wave

.  Really sorry for the negative post.. it helps with the acceptance to rant....

...Hope everyone else is on the upswing today.....coop