6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

Peace, at 6 months I had allot if intrusive thoughts and they are all but gone. I am just dealing with depression from time to time but that will get better too.

 

It is s scary when we are going through all this as we think it will last forever. it doesn't!

 

Life

[[ga...]]

Life...you probably have mentioned it somewhere but were you initially treated for depression?  I am a year off today and I was initially treated with these meds for anxiety related to sleep.  Basically, just couldn't sleep.  I seem to have developed blue feelings and occasional depression going through the process.  As I age, now in my late 50's, I seem to have more issues worrying about the future, loneliness which brings on the blue feelings.  I would love to think these will alleviate in time.

[[He...]]

Today is the one year mark for me.  Sleep was a bit better last night.  I still am feeling somewhat anxious, maybe because we have a 7 hour drive home today.  I am hoping when home I can get back to my normal routine.  I have not done any exercise the last 5 days, unusual for me and may be playing a part in how I feel.  Anyhow, the great news it has been one year off.  Hope to see the insomnia and blue thoughts wane as time goes on.

 

Garton,

CONGRATULATIONS!!!  Welcome to the one year mark!! 

[[ga...]]

HH...same to you.  It is sure a long journey but one we will get through.  There were times I wanted to give up but never did.  We have more inner strength and resolve than we could have imagined.  Here's to continuing on and defeating some of the demons that we still struggle with.

[[Co...]]

Garton...HAPPY HAPPY. One Year...congratulations!...and thank you for posting ...it is so important for all of us behind the one year people to see others cross that mile marker and know that things are better at one year. ..So happy for you...

....I also have wanted to give up from time to time..actually many times. I would probably be the buddie most likely to give up. I am a wimpy girl start to finish,  but you are right...we are stronger than we think and braver than we know.

....Enjoy your one year birthday....hope you are doing something wonderful to celebrate...you deserve it....coop

[[Co...]]

Free, ...yes I had terrible anxiety,  dire intrusive thoughts, and raging health fears from months 2.5 - 7. There was some momentary let up in month 4 but it didn't hold ( that non- linear bugaboo! ). ..Months 5-7.5 were for me almost like a second acute..( I am sure this is not true for everyone). ...For me it has been like Life 's addiction specialist suggested...month 8 has begun another healing phase. I still have some anxiety...brief transient intrusive thoughts and on and off head fullness...BUT ..all to a lesser level and way more infrequently...Manageable. I am living my life again...gingerly...not full out yet,  but I clearly see that on the horizon. In month 6 I could not imagine it ever getting much better....but it has..and somewhat suddenly. It will get better for you too Free...you just need a little more time

...Ps...when I was in month 5/ 6 I was on the verge of going to er every day...this will go away

 

[[No...]]

Good Afternoon ... got hit by Arthur ... sort of ... spent Saturday without power ... then late Saturday just after power came on .... phone, internet, and tv went down ... came back up overnight for us on Sunday ... slept in this morning and had to work ... so ...

 

Still out of the side-effects ... things are quite mellow ... that makes about nine days now ... I wonder? ...

 

Missed you folks ...

[[Fr...]]

Hi Coop - thanks for reassuring me again - you're going to be sick of me.

 

This morning was rough but at 4:30 something lifted and I am happy and not in any pain - the heavy dp/dr lifted.  I couldn't connect till now.  Man.

 

I watched the UFC fight with my sons and hubby the other night and maybe that pushed it too much - it was fun though.  And last night we watched an old subtitled Jackie Chan movie.

 

Some fun mixed in with a tough few days.

 

Nova - so happy for you!

 

Peace - I hope you're feeling better.  Hi GMIT!!!  Feel great everyone.

 

Lisa

[[No...]]

Garton ... Happy "One-Year-Day" ... great news ...

 

 

 

[[li...]]

Life...you probably have mentioned it somewhere but were you initially treated for depression?  I am a year off today and I was initially treated with these meds for anxiety related to sleep.  Basically, just couldn't sleep.  I seem to have developed blue feelings and occasional depression going through the process.  As I age, now in my late 50's, I seem to have more issues worrying about the future, loneliness which brings on the blue feelings.  I would love to think these will alleviate in time.

 

Garton, no I was never prescribed anything for depression. It is the most scary symptom to me as I really pray that it would go away. My anxiety, intrusive thoughts, paranoia and all is under control. I just get really down when I'm in a wave and I do not have something to do - it like distractions is what keeps me going when I am in a wave. I had a great day yesterday -- really great -- but not feeling that great today. Im not sure why this is happening to me right now -- the depression. Mommyr said it happened to her too around this time. I was wondering what others have to say about depression? Garton, do you get depression too?

 

I worked through my depression today but the thought of "Is this going to be with me forever? (a benzo lie)" really scares me. 

 

Life 

[[No...]]

Life ... don't know anything about "depression" ... I am now convinced that the "panic" that started me down this road many years ago is gone ... panic independent from the drug experience ... it just isn't there ...

 

I have been some 9 days free of any symptoms ... what I call just a few nibbles that pass very quickly ... mostly anxiety left over from the process ... what is curious for me right now is "what do I do?" ... I have been in "relationship" with this process for so long that I am finding an "empty" feeling right now for the last few days ... there is some "anticipating" ... like when will it come back? ... this may sound really weird, but I think I am "missing" the process ... someone has left the house and didn't even say goodbye ...

 

I have struggled so long to get here ... now what? ... I think I am going to just take it real easy for a while ... I need a good long rest ... for me I sense I am going into "tidying-up" mode ... maybe for several months ... not looking for "new opportunities" right now ... looking at a little painting, build a couple of flower boxes for the patio ... have a quiet vacation at the end of the month ... get back to my rugs ... if I have a "focus" it feels like I am getting ready for "retirement" ...

 

In its own way this time has its own "hassles" ... but they are my "hassles" ... and that is really, really refreshing ...

 

Take Care ...

[[Fr...]]

Wow - you sound like you have really arrived Nova.  That is so amazing.  Just enjoy your newfound life.

 

Lisa 

[[li...]]

Life ... don't know anything about "depression" ... I am now convinced that the "panic" that started me down this road many years ago is gone ... panic independent from the drug experience ... it just isn't there ...

 

I have been some 9 days free of any symptoms ... what I call just a few nibbles that pass very quickly ... mostly anxiety left over from the process ... what is curious for me right now is "what do I do?" ... I have been in "relationship" with this process for so long that I am finding an "empty" feeling right now for the last few days ... there is some "anticipating" ... like when will it come back? ... this may sound really weird, but I think I am "missing" the process ... someone has left the house and didn't even say goodbye ...

 

I have struggled so long to get here ... now what? ... I think I am going to just take it real easy for a while ... I need a good long rest ... for me I sense I am going into "tidying-up" mode ... maybe for several months ... not looking for "new opportunities" right now ... looking at a little painting, build a couple of flower boxes for the patio ... have a quiet vacation at the end of the month ... get back to my rugs ... if I have a "focus" it feels like I am getting ready for "retirement" ...

 

In its own way this time has its own "hassles" ... but they are my "hassles" ... and that is really, really refreshing ...

 

Take Care ...

 

Wow! Nova this is so awesome you are feeling so good! I know what you mean by missing the process.  This may seem strange but some people will get their significance from an illness. We all have to be aware of that fact. Some people actually feel a sense of significance from the process and that is something that we all have to avoid. I heard of this concept from Tony Robins. Friends are made here during trying time; your time has been spent here and then all the sudden we may not need it anymore. I have made it a goal of mine to gain significance from helping others going through this process after I am 100% healed. If we are going to relete to somethig its better to relate to something positive.

 

I am so happy you are feeling better!

 

life

[[wh...]]

Hi everyone

Soumds like you are all doing pretty good

Peace...I think I feel like you.  I think I'm depressed.....but its so awful.....Nothing seems to lift it...so I just keep going believing that one day it won't be here anymore.  Some days it is worse and some days manageable.  It's so dark and the fear is so strong that it is hard to do anything.

I went golfing yesterday and I wasn't good....I just did it anyway hoping to feel better.  You can't think your way out of the depression and anxiety that comes with this....the fear is the worst for me.....

I hope this is all just acute; you guys give me hope and strength to go on.....

Love and strength to all.  Reassurance please.

Too all of you who are feeling better...I truly am happy for you...you have been through a hell that only we know.....many more good days to you all.  I'll see you there soon.....thanks guys for being here.

[[He...]]

Hi Friends,

I am having a tough, tough day today.  Lots of anxiety....that awful, physical type of anxiety that feels like you are about ready to drop dead.  I haven't had that for months.  I have lots of chest pressure and tightness and some head pressure. I really need to go out for a walk, but it is 100 degrees still.  I'll have to wait until it cools down a bit.  I've been lax on getting my walks in, and I can feel it.  Tomorrow morning I will be walking for sure.

 

Despite the roughness of today, I managed to work quite a bit on a large project for my Masters, take my dog to the vet for his post-surgery check, and go to the grocery store.  I survived, and didn't even go running out of the store like I could imagine myself doing several times! 

 

I'm glad to hear that so many of you are feeling better!  I'll be so glad when we are no longer the 6 - 12 month club, but the 100% healed club.     

[[Fr...]]

I guess several of us are having tough anxiety issues.  They are the worst.  I'm sorry all - I'm in it too, had a one hour window today, a full ten but it didn't last.

 

If any of you follow Dr. Jenn Leigh's blog - she is still in bad wave and could use prayers and moral support.

 

xo to all,

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Nova...so happy for you...a nine day window is a great big new lease on life. I understand the " now what?"...This medication has greedily demanded all of our being for as long as we were on it and all the way through taper and w/d. For me it was like a jealous demanding ' friend '...wanting every bit of my time,  energy,  attention...UNDIVIDED attention,  it out spoke all other aspects of my life,  it manipulated my thoughts and behaviors through fear and fatigue. ...It left no room at all for a life apart from its reality. ....Now I also am having little clusters of better days and can imagine my life without p/w s/x. ....I feel like what it must be for prisoners who have been returned to the world after years of imprisonment...After functioning happily in the world for all my life...benzos completely cut me off from my own reality. On good days now I don't know what to do. I feel in a limbo of sorts...better but not better enough to to pick up a new life.  Recovery and s/x were my life for 3 years...Up until recently I formed my day around s/x .epsome salt baths ...hours on BBs..hours with mindless Tv...venturing out to walk the dog while anxiety altered my experience of being outside..trips to er.....etc etc.  Now I no longer need to go back to the harbor of my bed 3/4 times a day...but I don't know how to be up all day...or what to do with my better sense of clarity..and renewed thirst for meaning and purpose that is greater than my energy or confidence....In short...without p/w and s/x consuming my life I am momentarily ' casting about '...with a restless spirit...but I think you are right, going easy . I think the answers lie in the " chop wood carry water ". ..I have been going out for one non- stressful activity every other day or so and for the most part it goes well..not withstanding fatigue,  little flare ups of anxiety and some shaky moments. I always need rest after doing these simple things...The whole thing feels like re-entry...but thank god we are coming back to ourselves and our lives

....I am so encouraged and heartened by your post...and very glad Arthur didn't plow into you....keep us posted Nova...we are all right behind you....wishing you joy every single day and peace every single night....coop

[[Co...]]

Healing,  Whoot and Free....my thoughts are with you...I know it gets redundant and boring ..but...please believe me..better days are on the way. I know that in tough times distraction fails and anxiety and fear highjack our minds and bodies and one more hour seems impossible...let alone another day or month. Somehow the days do pass and we move through suspended time into the next month. Time is really the only reliable thing we have in this mess...and our fellow buddies.

....I absolutely believe that we all heal...although I was not convinced of it in month 6. ...

......I am wishing you all some relief from the anxiety and fear and depression...they are temporary no matter how permanent they feel right now...coop

[[li...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Feeling better right now. Had a beautiful long conversation with my sone by the fire pit. To many that might not be a big thing but for me it is. I don't like sitting in one place and just felt relaxed enough to sit and bet here for him - present. I know things are going to be alright. I think that we are the strongest bunch of people out there. I mean really. For the past two month 90% of my days were in windows and here I am with small but deep waves and I simply forget that fact. I guess the waves make me look at things so negatively that I simply forget the good. That is the torture of this cruel w/d. The ups and down would be tolerable if the  absolute reality while in those ups and down did not change. Reality is so absolute in waves - that is what makes them so nasty. We all have to remember the reality of windows and how we think in them I know a lasting window is around the corner. God bless all of you. You are all important in my life.

 

life

[[He...]]

Life,

How wonderful you had that time with your son!  I had a great parenting moment, too.  I decided that no matter how cruddy I felt, I was going to make dinner and we would sit down at the table all together.  I made spaghetti, as per my youngest's request, and we had dinner.  My older daughter was out with her friends, so it was just my husband, my youngest, and myself, but we had great conversation.   

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... "broken - dozing" sleep last night ... that's okay ... still feel good ... 10 days now ... seems my "baseline" jumped from that 60% feeling to let's say 90% ... that was a bit of a "shock" ...

 

The 90% plateau ... I like that ... that incorporates knowing this isn't quite over and "explains" feeling good ...

 

Kinda' crazy-thinking ... this needing to give myself "permission" to feel good ... sort of the "reverse" of giving myself "permission" to feel lousy ... oh well, it is what it is ... the acceptance of being right where we are in the moment ... and the gradual accretion of Time ... for me those are my "remedies" ...

 

Have a good Tuesday, Folks.

[[wh...]]

Hi guys

I just woke up from a horrible night of intrusive thoughts; dreams; ......

Coop and Life ...I love what you said and I know it makes sense and is the real truth but when I'm caught up in this all I feel is fear and all I can see are bad things. 

Will this pass?  Is this withdrawal?  Please I need some help.  Please help me.

[[Fr...]]

I hope you feel better soon, Life and HH and WW.

 

Nova and Coop - so happy for you both!!!  Thank you for staying and helping the rest if us.

 

I'm feeling better today and hoping it will last.

 

All of you are so special.

 

xo,

Lisa

[[No...]]

Whoot ... you are in withdrawal ... it will pass ...

 

Fear and bad things are front and centre for you ... and ... that is not all there is ... you know there is more ... it is just really hard to hear and see the other good stuff right now ... they are there ... they are there for all of us ...

 

Slow down as much as you can ... try for things "sensory" ... a smell ... a sound ... a colour ... go with them for a while ... leave the fear and bad things alone ... they are just there ... they will not harm you in any way ...

 

Take Care.

[[No...]]

Lisa ... thank you ... and I am not going anywhere ... gonna be a while yet ... very glad to here you day is a pleasant one ...