6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

Today is a hard day. Not so hard as the day before. I think that's because I'm trying to see it for what it is and I know I will weather it. It is that I am a woman in withdrawal, with horrible PMS, who has been traveling for 18 days with 5 more days to go. During those 5 days I will spend 24 hours in a car, half of them with my young boys. It's a lot to bear. I will bear it and then I'm going to hunt down these magical lavender Epsom salts and spend several days in my bathtub.

 

Peace2

[[He...]]

Today is a hard day. Not so hard as the day before. I think that's because I'm trying to see it for what it is and I know I will weather it. It is that I am a woman in withdrawal, with horrible PMS, who has been traveling for 18 days with 5 more days to go. During those 5 days I will spend 24 hours in a car, half of them with my young boys. It's a lot to bear. I will bear it and then I'm going to hunt down these magical lavender Epsom salts and spend several days in my bathtub.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

You are unbelievably strong!!  I am in awe of you.  I would have NEVER been able to do what you are doing while I was 5 months out.  You will be able to draw on the strength you have proven to yourself after this trip is over, and it will make it easier for you to weather any additional waves.  I know that you probably don't feel very strong right now, but you most definitely are.  I believe that once this trip is done and you are back home, you will have a new found confidence to get through this healing process.  I am very impressed with your fortitude!

 

[[He...]]

This is what we are all showing:

 

        fortitude (noun) - strength of mind that allows one to endure pain or adversity with courage.

 

Whether we feel it or not, we've all got it, it's there.   

[[li...]]

Thank you Healing very much.  I can relate with you when you say that "going, going , going " we avoid our feelings. That is what I have done all my life. One thing that helps me is to sit with the feelings and feel them -- not run from them. It deminishes their importance. One of the silver linings to this w/d process is that we are forced CBT techniques that are helpful. I feel the depression is lifting already after two days. I hope and pray it was the gabapentin w/d. If so I will take that as a sign to stay away from all meds. I am concerned about depression symptom though - as it has been my last symptoms.

 

Healing is depression something you had as of just a few months ago?

 

life

 

Life,

I just went back and checked on my posts, and the first time that I really mention feeling very depressed was right around 8 months out.  I was turning a corner in a lot of ways, but depression was starting to hit harder than it had before.  I even posted once in the depression section, which is a place that I never have the desire to even look at.  I noticed that I posted about an increase in depression at 9 months, 9 1/2 months, and the last one at 10 months.  These waves were characterized by feeling very weepy, depressed, lonely, with zero optimism, in addition to the usual suspects of anxiety.  They didn't last too long (a day or two or three), but they were pretty intense.  It's funny how I forgot about these, even the ones as recent as 2 months ago!  My depression in waves has most definitely lessened compared to how that period of 8 - 10 months was. 

 

My overall baseline was going up during that time, but the waves were still very tough and depression seemed quite vicious.

 

That is unbelievable, HealingHope! The similarities to your post are incredible. Everything has lifted except depression for me. I noticed my depression started in earnest around the 6th month and then really exploded in month 7-8. My episodes are also 1 to 3 days but they go deep sometimes. I was once told by a therapist not too long ago that the brain allows itself to go their before final healing because it needs to clean out all the stuff deep inside -- whether that is true or not I am not sure but I am pretty sure that the depression is a final symptom. It is just a scary symptom.  I wonder if it has to do with the minimization of the other symptoms? It probably was there all along but anxiety tends to crowd it out. It is so interesting how the brain just forgets what it went through? When we look back and look back without emotionally tied to it we have overcome the PTSD the brain was in. We are surviving and healing!

 

Peace, you had no real big symptoms before this benzo odyssey. The brain has gone through so much trauma and PTSD with all our symptoms and all. It is natural to be depressed about our symptoms. Think about a concussion grenade thrown at our soldiers, the noise and ringing stays with them for quite some time. I am convinced that we all have endured not just neurological damage which is repairing but a form of PSTD that we all have gone through. I went to see a hypnotherapist about my PTSD issues and I know it helped dramatically. His name was Dr Quintel and is nationally known. Rapid Resolution specialist are great with people lie us. I am saying this to you as Coop also wanted to see her hypnotist. Peace we are all going to heal.

 

Life

[[be...]]

My big step forward for today....drinking decaf with no.bad effects...knock on wood....and head pressure and yuckky feeling that I got up with lifted. Not really a window but a very decent baseline and enables me to push myself gently...

......Hoping everyone has a very good day...coop

 

.....Ps. ...Amidst the lingering and sometimes new and returning s/x on this thread there seems to be a definite theme of improvement. ...One thing I have been noticing for myself in just the last month is that even when I feel bad I don't want to be in bed anymore. Even 2 months ago on bad days I would get up to tan my dog out and push myself through at least noon but couldn't wait to go back to bed...many mornings I didn't make it to noon.

....What are your one or two things that are changing in the improvement direction?

 

Oh yes, those awful days in bed. I noticed as I reached month 8 or 9 no more days in bed.

I am still confused as to why we have so many bed days. I know when I'm sick I go to bed, but this withdrawal kept me in bed for to long, it's like my brain and body were so exhausted and only going to bed soothed the symptoms. I very much think we take on some sort of infant or child like needs in withdrawal. It seems as we start to heal we return to adulthood, it's weird.

.......take care all ..off to soak in the epsome salts...just because that lavender is so soothing.....coop

[[He...]]

Thank you Healing very much.  I can relate with you when you say that "going, going , going " we avoid our feelings. That is what I have done all my life. One thing that helps me is to sit with the feelings and feel them -- not run from them. It deminishes their importance. One of the silver linings to this w/d process is that we are forced CBT techniques that are helpful. I feel the depression is lifting already after two days. I hope and pray it was the gabapentin w/d. If so I will take that as a sign to stay away from all meds. I am concerned about depression symptom though - as it has been my last symptoms.

 

Healing is depression something you had as of just a few months ago?

 

life

 

Life,

I just went back and checked on my posts, and the first time that I really mention feeling very depressed was right around 8 months out.  I was turning a corner in a lot of ways, but depression was starting to hit harder than it had before.  I even posted once in the depression section, which is a place that I never have the desire to even look at.  I noticed that I posted about an increase in depression at 9 months, 9 1/2 months, and the last one at 10 months.  These waves were characterized by feeling very weepy, depressed, lonely, with zero optimism, in addition to the usual suspects of anxiety.  They didn't last too long (a day or two or three), but they were pretty intense.  It's funny how I forgot about these, even the ones as recent as 2 months ago!  My depression in waves has most definitely lessened compared to how that period of 8 - 10 months was. 

 

My overall baseline was going up during that time, but the waves were still very tough and depression seemed quite vicious.

 

That is unbelievable, HealingHope! The similarities to your post are incredible. Everything has lifted except depression for me. I noticed my depression started in earnest around the 6th month and then really exploded in month 7-8. My episodes are also 1 to 3 days but they go deep sometimes. I was once told by a therapist not too long ago that the brain allows itself to go their before final healing because it needs to clean out all the stuff deep inside -- whether that is true or not I am not sure but I am pretty sure that the depression is a final symptom. It is just a scary symptom.  I wonder if it has to do with the minimization of the other symptoms? It probably was there all along but anxiety tends to crowd it out. It is so interesting how the brain just forgets what it went through? When we look back and look back without emotionally tied to it we have overcome the PTSD the brain was in. We are surviving and healing!

 

Peace, you had no real big symptoms before this benzo odyssey. The brain has gone through so much trauma and PTSD with all our symptoms and all. It is natural to be depressed about our symptoms. Think about a concussion grenade thrown at our soldiers, the noise and ringing stays with them for quite some time. I am convinced that we all have endured not just neurological damage which is repairing but a form of PSTD that we all have gone through. I went to see a hypnotherapist about my PTSD issues and I know it helped dramatically. His name was Dr Quintel and is nationally known. Rapid Resolution specialist are great with people lie us. I am saying this to you as Coop also wanted to see her hypnotist. Peace we are all going to heal.

 

Life

 

This is what I think, exactly!  Almost like peeling back the layers and depression is toward, if not at, the very bottom. 

[[Fr...]]

Coop - the fact that you are having less or no more days in bed shows such improvement.  That is very encouraging.

 

Free

[[Co...]]

Peace....I cant believe you are standing..or even sitting up!. At month five I was still in acute with panics and calling paramedics to rush to my house because I was absolutely sure that I was seconds away from dying of a heart attack. ...

.....You have come through an incredible two weeks. I could not have done anything like this.  There is another Buddie ( Hope?...Happy?) who teaches and went to her classroom every day feeling as though she might have a heart attack or stroke.

....There are so many of you who are so much stronger than I am...You give me courage every day...Peace...wishing you the best lavender soak ever...you more than deserve it. Hope you can get some down days now. You are truly Mighty Girl....coop

[[Co...]]

Life and Peace....my wavey days have also been about depression..with d/p and d/r...but nothing at all like it was in acute. Like you Life it usually lifts for me in 12-24 hours. Some of the depression waves in month 7/8 have had moments or hours bleak depression but definitely transient. It has the same components as what I experienced in acute ( lethargy..wanting to give up... detached...feeling that my life was meaningless..could not feel joy etc etc),  but much less intense..much shorter in duration and a much greater ability to tolerate and manage it.

.. I did not have depression previous to benzos excepting when my RA forced me into early retirement ( at 60) ,  but that was very situational and very much like grief..it was grief. Actually I believe benzos INCREASED my natural grief around having to give up my work. It got much better as my w/d progressed.

...Physical s/x ( mostly headaches and head pressure..which I did not have in acute) and health fear are my persistent s/x at this point.

....Life and Peace...I think the depression will lessen as you continue...and I agree this painful process has made me more aware of my feelings and the importance of taking care of myself. ...Life,  I consulted with a very professional Phd. psychologist who specializes in hypnotherapy for anxiety and panic...he had very good things to say at the intake and I really wanted to see him for awhile,  but his fees were way WAY out of my league ...he was probably worth it but I would have had to give up my condo ..eating...and my dog. ...I would love to hear your experience with hypnotherapy....

......A few more months for all of us....we are all going to crawl out of this cave..into the sunshine..together. coop..

....Ps...my iffy morning actually opened up to a bright window this afternoon. ...so thankful...want it to hold through tomorrow when my grandsons are here ....it feels wonderful to look forward to an event with anticipation and happiness....

....wishing everyone big sunbreaks and more healing....coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop - your posts encouraging others and letting us know of your progress are giving me such great hope.

 

I'm out of the pain wave today but having the same issues as Peace - anhedonia and brain fog - or dp /dr I guess is what it's called.  My brain feels sad and unclear.

 

So this got better for you lately?  I am still in month 5 - at the end of it almost.  I month six or seven any better?  I have windows, just not enough of them and the waves are still quite intense.

 

Feel better all.  Where is Nova?  I hope he is enjoying life, feeling great.

 

xo,Lisa

[[li...]]

Healinhope, your post gave me great encouragement. It only seems logical that depression is one of the last symptoms to go. For me I think my anxiety was shielding it all along. Now that the anxiety is one teh rawness of derpression is so present. It doe snot last for many days (2 to 3 max).... We are all healing!

 

Coop, my experience with Dr. Quintel was unbelievable and it worked. His initial is three hours and one hour of explaining what he was gong to do. It did cost $1200.00 but well worth it in my opinion. As he says, you simply do not have to do anything. He an dyour brain do everything i.e. no talking about your past. Now like anything you have to research how good they are. Quitel is one of the best in the country and it really does work on removing PTSD stuff which due to this experience I had a bunch.

 

Free, I would say that from 5 months until now is like being in a marathon in the 3rd mile and now I'm in the 22 mile. You will have so much healing coming your way in just a bit. Months 6,7 are tough but not as bad as 5 for me. Month 8 was when I turned the corner for sure. My depression has already lifted ( thank God lifted) and I had a great half day (a 95% late day and night).

 

Peace, try to use the change in scenery as a distraction. I know how hard it must be to feel responsible for two young ones and having to go through this. It would be hard to do for anyone. You are going to be entering major healing months coming up.

 

God bless everyone and we are all going to heal and be better people after this process!

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Life and I'm glad the depression is lifting for you - 95 percent is great actually!  Thanks for the encouragement.  I'm sure hoping the coming several months show huge improvements for me (well and for all of us!!!).

 

Actually my sons are grown and visiting from other states where one is working and finishing grad school and the other just finished grad school and is taking a few months break before job hunting in CA with his GF who finished a year ago.  I still try to shield them because I don't want them to see me so sick.  But they're seeing it now - can't be helped.  This is just a really hard time. 

 

Keep up the healing - I'm so thrilled for you.

 

Coop - you too - so happy.

 

xo to all - let's keep healing together,

 

Lisa

[[li...]]

Coop here is the link to dr. Quintel Rapid Resolution therapy. I can not speak enough about how good this man is.

 

 

life

[[Fr...]]

Life thanks for posting that - I forgot to ask - does he do out-of-state phone sessions?

 

All - I forgot to say one weird improvement after the last awful wave - and this improvement will last forever - facial skin on the left side of my cheek and especially on the jaw has felt numb-ish and tight to the bone - it seems to have softened and loosened.  Will let you all know if this lasts.  It's like the nerves released, this is a good sign.  Also, I've been dreaming.

 

Sleep well,

Free

[[Co...]]

Free....month 5 can still be very acute-ish. It was a difficult month for me. If you can hang on through month 6 I think things will begin to shift towards healing.  I started having momentary sunbreaks beginning in month 7. I had had some really nice all day windows in month 4 but for some reason they changed to shorter sunbreaks in months 5/6.

....I am thinking of you Free...healing is on its way. One day at a time becomes one more month while we are not looking.

....Better sleep is a good indicator of healing I think. ..wishing you a peaceful night and a better day tomorrow ..coop

[[Co...]]

Life..thanks for the link. It must be so awesome to get to have therapy with this therapist...and you are generous to tell us about it. There is no way I could affford the fee...but I may be able to at least research the technique. ...You are sounding very well Life.  So glad for you....coop

[[li...]]

Free he has done Skype i think but I would assume nothing is like having a personal up front and personal consultation when hypnotized.. maybe there is a specialist in your area?

 

All, I am feeling very well today. I think this week was w/d from the gabapentan. I know that healing is taken place as my waves are short in duration. I now that many do not want to hear about faith. I have to declare what happened yesterday. I was feeling very depressed on the forth and on the 5th in the morning. I just declared my healing that God said He gave me and within hours I was feeling 95%. For me the power of faith is so dramatic; especially since I lost allot of my faith in this process.  I believe that I am going into a new 7 year cycle of favor. I know some may be turned off but this but this how I feel.  I have been sick and tired of feeling sick and tired for many years now. We are not only exiting the cave but we are going to be basking in the sunshine -- all soon!

 

God bless you all.

 

life

[[wh...]]

Im with you Peace....well mentally...lol

I'm travelling soon too....I make sure I take some time for myself when I need it.  I feel bad about it but I know I just can't overdo things and my kids and sweetie will have to understand. 

This crap will be over one day and they will be trying to keep up with us and our renewed zest for life......can't wait.

Hold on everyone.  Wish me luck on the golf course....

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for the kind words everyone.  Today, I woke up feeling calm - very nice.  I'm praying that it stays but am scared.

 

I do have a strong faith and pray constantly for everyone (including myself) to heal.  God watches over us all.  I don't understand all the pain and suffering here though and I do get angry about why people have to go through so much.

 

Love you all,

Lisa

[[ga...]]

whoot....Being a golfer myself I know one of the best therapeutic things I can do is play golf.  Wishing you the best today.  Love to be playing myself but not in the cards today.

[[Co...]]

Life...don't ever apologize for your faith...it is powerful..I so clearly see God in all the compassion expressed in this group..God among us...

.....So happy for you that your wave is lifting...wishing you a wonderful day.

......Free...glad to hear that you are having a better day...you are seeing it through with grit and determination...time is our healer..and every day you are getting closer to being done...

.......Whoot...you sound better today...yay...enjoy the golf...

.......Peace...For you...I am wishing you a day of total rest!...

 

......We are all one day closer...cant come soon enough....coop

[[pe...]]

I had a little window this morning. And then it closed. But I liked it.

[[...]]

Peace, I am so excited for your window! That is awesome!!

 

Hi to Coop, Lisa, Whoot, Garten, and Life! I hope you are all well today!!

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks, GMIT! The lights came on in the attic and it was so nice. Now the lights have dimmed again, sometimes I call it cotton head. But it's ok. My big work today is six hours in the car with my husband, which isn't really work at all - unless he drownds me in talk radio.....

 

Coop, thanks to you too for your sweet wish. Rest. In the car with my very own pillow from my very own bed. I've never ever brought it on a car trip, but felt pulled to and it's been a nice comfort.

 

Life,

I love your faith. My sister and mother-in-law are very religious, pray all the time. I think there's a lot of power in it.

 

Forward and in my case northward,

Peace2

[[ga...]]

All the talk of prayer is great, especially if that is an element of healing for you.  Many times through this, I wish I could share your faith and beliefs in some higher power that helps us.  I have been an agnostic all my life and have a more scientific base in my beliefs.  Anyhow, keep praying...especially if it yields results!  Keep the faith!