6-12 month thread....

[[wh...]]

Hi peace and all

I have been having one good day and then one horrible day....cycling?  Right now its horrible; every bad memory from my past coming to haunt me; can't think straight; so scared.  Yesterday it was there but manageable; today I feel like I can't take another second of it.

 

I know I'm only 8 weeks off but OMG.....Is this really happening? Am I going to be OK?

I hope you all are doing better.

I'm so discouraged and scared. 

[[pe...]]

Coop and Free,

Thank you for checking in. I am living in an alternate reality. We can call it a wave. I am floating around somewhere with lots of symptoms but less fear in this moment. I left my children with my in-laws this morning as planned. My husband and I are headed to the ocean for a few days. I know my husband, our caretaker, needs this. I'm trying my best to ride along without completely falling apart.

I miss my sons.

Peace2

[[No...]]

Coop ... you may have guessed I can be one stubborn critter sometimes ... way back when this all started I realized that caffeine and I weren't getting along ... so moved to decaf ... and I refused to go any further ... so I drink my "dishwater" decaf every day no matter what, it is mostly warm dark water but I pretend ... maybe a little defiance in the face of the drug ... probably .... and I keep on drinking it ... I suspect it doesn't make any difference for me ... now if I accidently have "real" coffee I can make it just about to Toronto without refueling ... quite a hit ... so I know what caffeine is capable of for me ... I don't take alcohol, if I have a beer I start talking to fire hydrants and try to figure out how I can get that telephone pole into my backpack so I can take it home ... some would call that a low tolerance ...

 

Have a good day.

[[Fr...]]

Nova - I'm happy the jitters have stopped for you today - I hope that means forever too.

 

I'm having a rough day with the internal anxiety and feeling disassociated due to it.  I want it to leave me alone.  I feel like I'm in outer space and not liking it one bit and worried that it won't stop.  It's awful.

 

Peace - I know how you feel today - I feel it too.  Feel better soon.  This must stop soon.

[[No...]]

Whoot ... this stuff is so damn discouraging and scary ... but we are tougher than all the discouragement and fear we face each day ... we are benzo-free ... can't get any tougher than that ... we won ... now we are "mopping up" the mess these drugs brought into our lives ... that's all that is left ... sure its gonna take a while ... and there will be days when it hurts so much we just want to fold up and get blown away ... "weather" through today ... you will be another day closer to recovering ...

 

Take Care.

[[Co...]]

Whoot, ...this will end...it is truly one of the worst aspects of acute. When I was going through it everyday ' normal ' thoughts seemed scaryand packed a jolt of fear...at one point I actually felt as though they were not ' my ' thoughts. Even happy memories morphed into scary dreadful foreign memories dripping with dread and fear. I imagined that I had been a terrible mother even though logically I knew I had been a very good mother. I was suffocating in guilt and terrible false memories. Whoot if you can get through the awful intrusive thoughts you can go all the way....This will pass Whoot...you are most likely more than half way through acute. You are doing a wonderful job of getting through this very tough time. This is all w/d Whoot....and it will all end with time. Intrusive thoughts are a torture like none other but you are not losing your mind...and they are not permanent. This will end. ...You have my sympathy with this...do any distraction that gives you even 5 minutes of relief.  So sorry you are suffering like this....coop

[[No...]]

Free ... I know how you feel ... I often feel so confused about this stuff ... it is like being "haunted" by the ghost of the drug ... it doesn't make a damn bit of sense ... this stuff shows up when it wants, goes away in its own time ... and I am powerless to "control" it ... the only thing I have found that will see me through this is Time ... that is where my power is ... I have more Time to give than all the side-effects the drug can throw at me ... after being utterly discouraged in the moment, after being scared whitless by another side-effect ... I can still managed to croak out "I will outlast you" ... I can't fight this stuff and win ... but I sure as hell can out last it ... time and time again whenever I have some respite from the "enduring" I know I will be here when they have all gone ... that's all I can do ... and it will be enough ...

 

Take care.

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Nova -

 

are you feeling better today?

[[Fr...]]

Nova - you are so wise and kind - thank you

 

It's a very rough day for me.

 

L.

[[Mo...]]

Good afternoon kids,

 

Checking in. 

 

Beulah,

Is it wrong that I loved how you were afraid of your clothes?!  That was the best story ever.  I love to hear stuff like that.  When I started my taper I became extremely agoraphobic to the point I couldn't get off my couch.  I sat with my legs under me curled in a ball looking out my front living room window.  I tried to get in the car with my husband and kids one day and it was like a cord pulled me back to the couch.  I hadn't showered for days I think at that point.  Anyways, thank you for saying that.  I love you that you only had two outfits you could wear.

 

Nova,

I Love the potluck analogy.  Really great way to look at this.  PS... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

 

Peace,

Hang in there.  This wave will end.  It will mellow.  Travel with w/d can be your friend or enemy.  I"m hoping the beach will calm you.  Try to stay away from sugar and caffeine.  I remember riding to the airport back at Christmas time.  Every intense moment from every movie I had ever seen rammed into my brain like a locomotive.  I put my head against the window and prayed to stay sane until we got home.  I haven't dealt too much with the disassociation floating symptom.  Stay honest and open with your hubby.  It will pass.  It always does. 

 

My only advice is to try to look around you for anything that might fire off the good stuff.  The waves, the scenery, the smell of the ocean or a meal you want to eat. Colors, the fluffy comforter at the hotel, the 'Happy Song'.  I have had a resurgence of the yuck in the morning.  I turned on the tv the other morning and thought 'come on..something needs to fire off'.  A commercial came on about summer furniture.  For some reason it resonated in my brain.  BOOM...Summer, BBQ's, my kids running and screaming and laughing, my husband smiling, life before kids, traveling... etc...  All this stuff fired off.  The marketing worked just like it was supposed to. 

 

Woot,

I'm so sorry.  8 weeks I was in the prime of misery.  Yes, you are going to be ok.  I know some waves you have to white knuckle thru.  Others you can refocus.  I remember having to turn my minds eye so the crazy was only in the peripheral.  Does that make sense?  I would intentionally refocus myself and when the bad stuff tried to jump in front, I would look away.  Did you know the best weapon against fear is thankfulness?  I didn't know this.  My counselor taught me that if during my normal times I can keep a list of things I am thankful for when fear comes I can recite things I am thankful for and it will fire off opposing chemicals to the fear.  Also, irrational fear is ALWAYS FAKE.  Not sure why that helped me, but I guess I needed somebody to say, 'Yup, you can ignore irrational fear'.  I require a lot of permission during my s/x w/d.  Not sure why.  Anyways, you are not alone.  Hang in there.  It will pass.  It always does. 

 

Different things work for different people.  I just try to share what worked for me.  Also, I want to be clear that when I was doing all the activities I describe I was usually crying or shaking or dry heaving until it lifted.  I didn't feel thankful, or like going for a walk.  I just knew that there were times where action was necessary.  Somedays only Dora the Explorer of Sponge Bob could get me thru.  i had all my tactics in place.

 

Thursday is my first big trip since this started.  July 11th is the one year marker of the day I started my taper, so it's a nice anniversary marker.  We are heading to the east coast for 2 weeks.  You can be sure I will be checking in.  Right now I just want to get thru the flying part.  My husband broke it into two legs.

 

Hugs everyone,

MommyR

[[No...]]

Free ... I am having a pretty quiet day ... nothing at all intense ... the weather is sweltering for us in these parts ... staying indoors with the a/c ... did my four hour job this afternoon ... trying to anticipate the weekend ... looks like we will be getting a "blow" here on Friday/Saturday ... first one of the season ...

 

Hope things soften up for you this evening.

 

[[wh...]]

Thanks Nova

OMG this is crazy hard.  It seems if I have physical symptoms my emotional ones are better and vice versa.

Unbearable today....gives new meaning to one second at a time.....

Thank you for your support.

I hope you are well..Once the overwhelming fear gives me a break I will be fine.

Take care my friend.

Hi Coop and all;  Have the best benzo day you all can.

Love and strength to all....

I need it so bad today

[[...]]

Whoot, I'm with you, think positive thoughts!! 

 

Nova, you're gonna have to tie yourself to something so you don't blow away!! 

[[No...]]

MommyR ... have a wonderful trip ... 67 coming up on July 12 ... thanks for checking in ...

[[wh...]]

Thanks GMIT; Momma; Coop and I hope I didn't forget anyone.  I'm just gonna get through this day......

[[No...]]

Hey Whoot ... whereabouts in Sask .. if you don't mind my asking ... lived in Saskatoon for 8 years back in the late 70s and early 80s ... left in 85 ... been down here ever since ...

[[Co...]]

Nova...did you experience the head zaps?...like electrical shock or hefty bee sting firing off in your had?....I had them briefly in taper and acute and they were very quick..over almost before I noticed. Now they have returned but they have a little more punch behind them ..not really painful but they stun me in the moment and are so unexpected. They scare me ...if it was not for this I would be having another 75 % day....thanks Nova...

[[No...]]

Coop ... yes ... that sounds familiar ... always totally unexpected ... I also occasionally experience something similar inside my right ear ... a sort of hum, then a shift in pitch ... kinda like a tuning fork ... this one is only on right side ... the "zaps" are usually on the back of my head or above my ears or over the eyes ... I may get one or two a day ... sometimes none at all for several days ... very occasionally I will get jolted from sleep or dozing with an "explosion" ... only way I can describe it is a bomb going off ... full audio ... rare but still occurring ... I cannot remember any of this stuff prior to benzos ...

 

My tinnitus is only on the left side ...

 

Hope this helps ...

[[wh...]]

Hi Nova

I'm in Regina

Are you still a Rider fan?

[[No...]]

Whoot ... will I be banished to the hinterlands if I say I was an Eskie fan? ... my wife is from Regina ...

[[wh...]]

Sorry Nova but you are banished....lol

I've never seen a place so dedicated to it's football team....

I'm from Calgary but I do cheer for the Riders...so I'm safe...lol

Boy it's nice to talk about something other than our benzo stuff hey?

Hope you are having a good day....I'm distracting.....until it goes away for good.

[[li...]]

Hey Whoot, you will get so much better with time. I can look at this thread and see already healing going on all over. It is such an interesting thread.

 

Whoot acute is absolutely so hard. It is incredible that these drugs do so much to our bodies. You will get strong and happy again. Just give it time.

 

Coop so glad to hear that you are having 75% days. That the way I see myself -- about 75%. But that is bearable and so the rest of the healing is all so welcomed with time.

 

Has anyone heard from sky? Just wondering. She was always very nice. I know she left a few weeks ago saying she was having a hard time.

 

life

[[Mo...]]

Nova...did you experience the head zaps?...like electrical shock or hefty bee sting firing off in your had?....I had them briefly in taper and acute and they were very quick..over almost before I noticed. Now they have returned but they have a little more punch behind them ..not really painful but they stun me in the moment and are so unexpected. They scare me ...if it was not for this I would be having another 75 % day....thanks Nova...

 

Coop,

My friend who just hit 12 months still gets them.  Not always, but when his wave comes and he tries to rest he gets lots of zaps.  Unpleasant. 

[[li...]]

Free ... I know how you feel ... I often feel so confused about this stuff ... it is like being "haunted" by the ghost of the drug ... it doesn't make a damn bit of sense ... this stuff shows up when it wants, goes away in its own time ... and I am powerless to "control" it ... the only thing I have found that will see me through this is Time ... that is where my power is ... I have more Time to give than all the side-effects the drug can throw at me ... after being utterly discouraged in the moment, after being scared whitless by another side-effect ... I can still managed to croak out "I will outlast you" ... I can't fight this stuff and win ... but I sure as hell can out last it ... time and time again whenever I have some respite from the "enduring" I know I will be here when they have all gone ... that's all I can do ... and it will be enough ...

 

Take care.

 

This is so true. I never thought I would be saying this but the only thing that we have control of is time in this process. I find that this healing has been so slow that the only way that we can know we have made progress is by looking back and judging our healing in months and not days. Only then can we realize how far we have all come. There is no doubt in my mind that we are all going to be looking back from 18 moths and one day wake up and say " Wow, I have not thought about w/d in over a week." I cant tell you how important each and every one of you has been to my healing and I thank BB for this great forum. i do not know what I would have done if I did not have this forum.

 

 

On another note. I need some help on an issue. I was driving in the mountains of Tennessee today to get fireworks. When I left the place I took a wrong turn and kept going down a different hwy. It was 15 minutes later that I realized that I was down the wrong hwy. Is this DR? I snapped out of it and realized I was lost but not after being on the hwy 15 whole minutes. Or is this just plain absent mindedness or DR? Whats the difference?

 

Love to all,

 

Life

 

[[ci...]]

Life that sounds like an everyday happen to anyone thing that could happen. Don't beat yourself up over heading the wrong way!