6-12 month thread....

[[Mo...]]

I am very very scared. Something has gone wrong. I've been doing pretty well and now I feel on the verge of insanity. Is this a wave? I can't rember feeling like this before. I feel out of it, like I'm not in reality. Is this dp/dr? I feel sick and scared. I don't know what to do. Do I ride it out? Do I take it seriously and seek help? Is anyone going to help me without making it worse? I'm sorry for bringing this to you. I'm so scared.

 

Peace2

 

Peace,

I had that in May.  After 2 months with very little waviness, suddenly I was in a wave that had me wanting my family to tie me up like a werewolf.  I felt on the brink of insanity.  It's just more of the same.  Our minds find new ways to fire off.  It's just the nature of this process.  I informed my family how I was feeling.  Back in December had one like this too.  I asked my friends who have walked this with me if it meant I was mentally ill and needed meds.  They said to call the Dr.  I called the Dr and he asked went thru reasons I could be spiking.  'Stress, my period, food...etc) 

 

He told me to find a happy movie on net flicks or go for a walk.  Do something to get the good stuff firing off an counter the bad wave.  I know this sounds crazy, but I have walked dry heaving with a deer in headlights look many times.  My husband has had to tie my shoes for me.  Stay on the boards if you need and just keep checking in. 

 

I also try to focus on whatever the 'lie is'..i.e.  I am going to be the one who goes crazy or dies.  I am the one who is weak.  I am going to have a heart attack or go postal on my family.  NO NO NO NO.  Those are lies!  Talk back to it.  Tell it NO!  YOU SAY THE OPPOSITE.  I MEAN THIS.  I am serious.  You put a lid on it and you speak the opposite of the lie and speak it out loud.  Say, I have walked crawled cried whimpered and survived thru many waves and I will get thru this one.  The mind is crazy powerful.  Talk back.  Take this 10 minutes at a time.

 

Check in often

 

MommyR

[[Co...]]

Hi Free.  I think I was on lorazapam for about 2 years. It is hard to remember exactly when my first Menniers attack was.  Jan.of 2011 I think....and Dec 4 of 2013 was my jump date.. I began my taper June of 2013 after c/t 1 of 2 mg in May....something like that. Two years is a goodly time to be on them, but not unusual. I had side effects from the first week on ...they just were not diagnosed as such. 

.  I am so looking forward to making it to year one with everyone.....coop

[[Mo...]]

Hi Free.  I think I was on lorazapam for about 2 years. It is hard to remember exactly when my first Menniers attack was.  Jan.of 2011 I think....and Dec 4 of 2013 was my jump date.. I began my taper June of 2013 after c/t 1 of 2 mg in May....something like that. Two years is a goodly time to be on them, but not unusual. I had side effects from the first week on ...they just were not diagnosed as such. 

.  I am so looking forward to making it to year one with everyone.....coop

 

Coop,

What is Menniers attack?

[[Fr...]]

Coop - you're sounding more and more like you're feeling better and healing nicely.

 

Take care,

Lisa

[[li...]]

Hi everyone checking in. I am a bit concerned with your post, peace. I would immediately go see a good doctor if it makes you feel better - preferably an addiction specialist. I think I had the same symptoms happen to me one night in month 4 and I can remember it till this day. I did not like the feeling of everything was not real somehow. I was connected but not. It was very scary and I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

I am going to bring up a sensitive suggestion for many. I think if situations like Peaces is unbearable I think there is nothing wrong in using adjunct therapy for a while. For instance when things got really bad for  me  I went a a regimen of 400 mg of Gabapentin and just tapered off with the last 100Mg gone last week. I no longer use it. There were side effete like increased anxiety while i tapered  for  a few weeks (just a bit) but it helped me allot before when I needed it. Everyone is different. I am not anti meds I am anti brain damaging meds like benzos. Just a thought, peace. You can taper later when you feel better.

 

My days mainly consist of "re-entering syndrome". I am just dealing with the CBT needed to re-enter the real world. In some instances I feel like I am a bit sensitive and question what I am going to be doing with my life now that I am feeling better. So I am putting pressure on myself to have a great life but I simply do not know how that looks like or how to start it. I pray to God that he gives me the strength to find out. Quite frankly as long as I remain in this wide open window or feel like this I can really do anything. I do not think there is anything tougher than benzo withdrawal. This shit is just plain nasty. You can never explain it to anyone who has not been through it. We are all healing guys and girls. I know you all are not too fart behind.

 

symptoms; re-entering syndrome and a general feeling of restlessness -- like i have to always be moving/doing something even if doing something has no meaning. It's like I have been distracting myself so long that I feel totally in need to keep doing so. It a weird feeling of mild to average anxiety that penetrates every moment. 

 

life

[[li...]]

Peace, also by no means am I suggesting that you take another med, however. I am just saying to take something temporarily if you have to but it maybe taking nothing is even better.Consult an addiction specialist please.  It's a personal choice.

 

life

[[...]]

Hi Life! I think that if someone truly believes that's what they need there is nothing wrong with it! I personally would not take anything more, but that's just me, I know what I can withstand!

 

It's very important that we each know our limits and that we may need to do something...I certainly would not judge anyone for what they felt they needed! I'm here to give and get support, not judge anyone for their choices!

 

Be well!!

 

[[pe...]]

I'm back and things are a little better. It does not help that I am in a very stressful situation, out of town with my family, at my in laws' home with a lot if people who need help. Today has been a chasing children, feeding people, holding babies kind of day. There is no place to rest or hide. And tomorrow I'm supposed to leave my children behind to "get away" with my husband for 5 nights. I have never left my children this long. My husband has seen me improve so much in the last few months and he is not fully understanding this wave. He's forgotten how bad it can be.

 

I think talking about an emergency plan is important. I'm glad Life brought it up. I'm not sure about meds, I feel like they have continuously brought on bigger problems for me. But what do you do when you're up against the wall? What is your plan with your family? How do they help you? What are the criteria for seeking help? How long do you wait it out?

 

I am exhausted. I am sad. I hope tomorrow is better.

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

This is a really great subject and oh so personal.  I know from my detox Dr. many people use meds to make it thru this process.  I just couldn't do it.  Only in a situation of psychological break or not wanting to 'go on' would meds be a consideration for me.  If I were screaming in fear or unable to get a grasp on reality, hallucinating, hearing voices, etc.  Those are great criteria for ER and meds. 

 

My plan is to be open about every scary thing.  I don't tell everyone just those I can TRUST.  My 'go to guy' is my husband.  If it was a fun dream about suicide or depression was sitting on me like an 2 ton elephant then I'd tell him not to leave me or the kids alone.  It wasn't that I wanted to act on any of those emotions or experiences.  It's scary to have thoughts in your head you didn't entertain.  If the wave was too big I'd call my counselor and have an emergency session on how to surf it and if I needed to go to ER.  Like when I thought I'd have a heart attack from the palps, and chest squeezing that lasted 10 freaking days.  The choice there was to call the DR, get an EKG.  I did, it was fine.  I was offered meds and we discussed the odds of needing it vs not.  I was always open and looked to those I trusted for guidance, mainly those who lived with me.  In March, my family was exhausted from reassuring me.  I had to take a look at the situation and gauge whether I was better or needed medical reinforcement.  I was better.  It couldn't be denied.  I was just in a wave, again.  Since then my baseline continues to go up and I still have a wave or spike here and there.  It's so personal.  I never stay alone during a big wave. 

 

PS.  My husband travels for work.  When he leaves my mom stays unless I am fine.  Everyone has their phone handy for me and will come if I need them.  Not everyone has these resources. 

 

MommyR

[[li...]]

You know, I sometimes wonder if I should have taken med.  :-\For me it was not really a choice I guess. I was coming out of my skin 24/7 so bad early on that I fealt I had to. Did I have to? I guess not. I felt the meds helped me through acute allot. Not that it took away the side affects -- not at all. I also had horrible experiences on med. I thought I would never say this but here it is. During acute I was given Tranzdone ( Im not sure this is correct spelling) -- it was for sleep. I woek up one night after taking it two day only and I fainted and found myslef on the floor. I had a seizure.  :'( Never used that drug again. I have this thought that I had to protect my brain at all cost. I convinced myself early on that my s/a were going to damage my brain (not true but an intrusive thought). I just could not bear to stand the shivering and shaking in acute 24/7. Now that I look back I notice how much healing has taken place. I am in such a good place now. I am not 100%  ( I would say 75%) but there comes a time when you have turned the corner and everything is just bearable and you can now give yourself the time to heal. For months, I woudl wake up and all I could hope for is to go back to sleep. I just wanted to get through the day so I could go back to bed. That was my existence for months. This killed my self esteem as I was a highly functional "accidental addict" I guess. I'm not sure aboout the meds either. Gabapentin is by many hated as they say they have w/d as bad as benzos -- luckily I never experoienced that. There is no doubt that the experience that we are all going through is by far probably the most trying experience of our lives. I am so grateful to God that I have come out on the other side. The only thing that I fear for many that the experience f w/d is so brutal that part of the recovery is getting to now what normal is again.

 

There is another thing that we all must realize. There are some people that are on BB that definitely have some other issues going on. Although it is possible I do not think that s/a after 2 or 3 years can still be chalked up to w/d. We will all know what issues we will have to work on ( if any at all) but I do not think that anyone on this thread can really know as the number clearly show that most heal within 12 month and at most 18 months. After that, we all have to take a reassessment of the inventory upstairs. These are hard realities but so true. I know that I had anxiety all my life so I will have to find ways of overcoming it. I also know that the anxiety I had in the past year has never been my baseline. This is mejust rambling on ... not sure if it makes sense?

 

life

[[be...]]

Hi all,just reading and catching up on everybody. As I have been reading today I noticed a lot of people still have a lot of fears. Fear is very common in w/d and I still have some. My fears are not as bad as early on though...whew it was horrible. I could not go into my own kitchen, clothes closet, I was even scared of my own clothes. I had two sweatshirts and two sweatpants that I wore for months.

I was afraid of my bowel movements, they scared me because I didn't feel like they were coming from me.

I hope none of you feel any shame, guilt, or like you are a freak, the withdrawal makes us feel like this.

Trust me when I tell you I have felt it all. The evil thoughts are not ours , don't own them.

Every goodness you have in you will return ten fold.

Healing awaits us all. Hugs.

[[pe...]]

Hi Life-

I think I catch where you're coming from. I wish there was something to ease this. My doctor has told me there is not. He will only put me on meds if I feel suicidal, though he's very compassionate and I'll contact him if things get worse again. They're ever so slightly better. My doctor has traced my symptoms back to a migraine med I reacted badly to. I was then given medications to manage those side effects, and that kept happening. Before that migraine med I  was fine. I don't really have a preexisting problem. That's why my doctor is hesitant to use more medications. He thinks I just need time. But if things start to spiral, I will get in touch with him. He usually responds within 12-24 hours, sometimes within the hour.

 

I took a shower while I was feeling detached. When I was done, I felt a bit better. More present. I'm drifting again but it's late and it's been a long day. I will try to sleep and check in again tomorrow.

 

Thank you to everyone for your care. Jenny, Coop, Fonz and MommyR - your words have been a tremendous help to me today. 

 

Peace2

[[Mo...]]

Life,

I am sure you did what you needed to do.  1 of 10 of my Dr's patients needed to take something.  This is hard process to go thru.  We have to look at the resources at hand to make it and there will definitely be some dragons to slay in this process too.  I run anxious too, but not crazyland anxious.  Yes, some will heal by 18months, but a few will take longer.  That's ok.  Even on meds, I don' t believe Dr's should hand out prescriptions with no counseling or therapy.  I am a strong proponent of stress and anxiety counseling after begin subjected to the benzo madness they put on me. 

 

I think many go thru this process and wind up better on the other end because they learn how to face what got them into this mess.  Not everyone here got on the meds because of an anxious state.  Those of us who did, need to learn how to cope.  I have learned many, many skills.  Before all this happened I had never stayed alone with my children.  For 7 years, I always had another adult with me at night because it was just too scary for me. Then in March, there was no one to stay with me. 

 

I worked with my counselor on a plan.  I would get as tired as possible during the day and stay up as long as I could before going to sleep.  I cleaned the house and ate take out with my kids to make sure there would be no stress on me.  Everyone had their phones handy and I knew I could always put the kids in the car and drive to a family members house.  The inability to stay alone had become a weight I didn't want to bare anymore.  I wanted to be capable and brave.  My father inlaw promised to drive down and stay with me for the 2nd night. 

 

I remember walking on my treadmill and dry heaving (not a s/x I had before benzo). I had been in a wave for a few days at this point.  I had a script that I spoke out loud countering all my fears of what would happen.  When I got off the treadmill the fear was gone. I was normal for the first in a long time.  I went about my daily slowly.  That night at 10:30pm I realized I was in that weird in-between awake and asleep state. My oldest child was still awake.  I turned off the tv and we went to bed.  I slept in the kids bedroom that night because it was small and felt safe.  I was on the lower bunk holding my 6 year olds hand and the 3 year old was in his crib.  I had a nanny cam in the room too so my husband could see us.  I txt'd good night to everyone and put my headphones on from my iPhone.  I had put on my fav Joel Osteen sermon.  The next thing I knew it was 5:30am..  I HAD MADE IT!  I had lived thru a wave, alone with my kids and we were all 'ok'.  I got up and called everyone.  We celebrated. 

 

Later that afternoon my FIL called to say he couldn't come.  He was coming off 2mg daily for 2years of xanax and was experiencing his first symptoms.  I was so excited.  I told him no problem.  I can do it again.  I'm fine.  And I've been able to stay alone every since.  Dragon slain.. 2x.

 

I have others to slay, but I am learning from this.  When all the nausea, headaches, intrusive thoughts and 'waves' go away and it's just me once again, I will have learned how to cope.  I know it for sure. 

 

You will too. 

MommR

Hugs Life.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Mommy R....wow!...what a wonderful post! ...I agree taking a med or ..not during w/d to overcome emergency s/x is such a personal decision. I admire your steely resolve to get through with family friend and professional support. We will never go through anything like this ever again. The important thing is to make it through without getting back on benzos. This conversation reminds me of the great debate that was in the forefront of birthing conversations back in the day...' natural ' child birth vs epidural births. It became the topic of great ' birthing ' warrior ' narritives. Leaving those of us who had X2 sections and epidurals feeling like ' less than ' failures in spite of the fact that we had beautiful healthy babies. I think there are only individual ..personal as Mommy and Life point out,  paths to w/ding from benzos and it doesn't matter how we make it through..only that we do.

....I have had two rescue doses ( one medically advised) and one medically advised ( very poorly advised) 3 day reinstatement. In hindsight both incidents required medical intervention. However I could have made it through with the beta blocker alone and not reinstated. The rescue dose I took on my own in acute was not needed but I didn't have enough 'practice ' with w/d to know that. The second rescue dose given in my Dr ' s office to counteract steroid medication effect of driving b/p up was needed. The rescue doses had temporary set back effects ...a few days of increased s/x....the 3 day reinstatement put me back for a few weeks I believe and I regret following that advice...but it is long in the past....and I am here still progressing in w/d.

....I have as well,  tried herbal remedies,  vitamins and supplements. None of them helped and some of them made things worse. Having said that,  some BBs have found some herbal remedies,  vitamins and /or supplements helpful. It is all so individual. 

...The only thing I would use at this point in my battle with s/x would be benadryl ...if I absolutely had to.  I used it once in month 6 for 'crawling out of my skin ' jitters anxiety and insomnia. It was effective,  but not without side effects..it gave me a headache and I felt hung over. It is not a benzo and does not bind to receptors so I would probably use it again but so far I haven't just because I know how easy it is for me to become dependent on anything that relieves desperate fear and anxiety w/d s/x. ...I am confident at this point ...and practiced enough with this maze through hell to believe I can get through without anything....but who knows what tomorrow or the next day will present.

....So I guess I have been all over the map with rescue medications...and I think it is what it is....and I don't feel that I have ever been judged by any of my BB friends...only supported. In the end the support of others in w/d has been my most powerful remedy for every single s/x...and for that I am grateful for every day......so thankful for every one of you....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace....wishing you rest and a better day tomorrow...you made it through a tough day....you are going to get through this...coop

[[Mo...]]

Coop,

Great re-cap:  it doesn't matter how we make it through..only that we do.

 

I consider everyone here a comrade in arms and I'm proud to stand to be in good company.

MommyR

[[...]]

Good morning all! Sure hope everyone is symptom free and feeling great today!!

 

Peace I pray you are better today!!

 

Be well!!

[[No...]]

Good Morning - I had a good opening to my morning yesterday ... then the "cycling" dance started mid-morning ... and lasted all day into the late evening ... head and ear pressure, bloat, aching legs, and boaty feeling ... this ran up the scale to quite loud and then would drop off ... empty for a while ... then up again ... and so on ... irritating - yes ... when very loud - scary ... when empty - exhausting ... no cause and effect ... for me this is my healing right now ... I slept finally and rested well .. and it is morning again ... another day ... what will my "response" be today? ... who knows ... what can I expect? ... the particulars or specifics aren't all that important ... I am safe ... I am grounded ... I am healing ... another day closer to wherever this journey is taking me ...

 

I am so very fortunate to have almost no responsibilities in my life at this time other than my healing ... and I have wonderful support and encouragement at home, here on BB, and most importantly, I am now able to support and encourage myself ... this self support and encouragement was very limited and "fractured" for many, many years ... now, at this time I am able to feel it fully ... this has been a gradual development over the last few weeks ... since mid-April I have been gradually "coming home" ... this too is part of my healing ... couldn't do this for myself even a few weeks ago ... I am so thankful to have myself back ... it is like getting "reinforcements" to help see me through to the end of this journey, however long it may take ...

 

Good Healing.

[[No...]]

I believe this journey is utterly "individual" for each of us ... within this community of folks who are accomplishing the task of becoming "benzo-free" there is a "rainbow" of stories ... we each accept the commitment we have made and live through the daily challenges this commitment brings to us both "alone" and "in community" ...

 

For so long I walked this path only "alone" ... I tried to join this community back in 2011 at the start of my taper ... and at that time I found that I was not able to "extend" myself enough to be able to connect with BB ... the arms of the community were open ... beckoning me ... I could not get through the door at that time ... I folded back into myself for the next three years ... last April I tried again ... this time I reached out and the community welcomed me ...

 

What I have found here is really quite simple ... and marvelous ... a "rainbow" of folks giving voice to their stories ... the largest "pot-luck" I have ever attended ... I can come and go from this table as I need day to day ... I get to "see" and "taste" what each of you bring ... I get to exchange "dishes" with each of you ... sometimes I find the dish offered not to my taste ... that's okay ... someone else will certainly find it "nourishing" ... I leave my "dish" on the table in the hopes it may be "nourishing" for someone who might be a little hungry today ...

 

And the coolest thing about this "pot-luck" ... there are never any dirty dishes to wash ... the angels looking after the "pot-luck" take care of them for us ...

 

And the table is renewed every day ... when I am hungry ... there is always something for me to "eat" ...

 

Bon Appetite.

[[...]]

Nova, I love your analogy and it's so fitting!!

 

Be well today! I'm so glad you are here!

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Everyone, just catching up.

 

Peace - I hope you're feeling better today and will stay in a wonderful window.

 

I'm feeling better from that last wave, even have moments of really good.  Too bad the hypervigilant state returns - it is making me so tired.

 

Does that feeling lighten up in the coming months - the feeling of constant nervousness or being on edge? I so wish that would clear up soon.

 

Nova- you're always giving me ideas for how to handle matters better.

 

I hope you are all feeling better every day.

 

Free

[[No...]]

Lisa ... can't figure this "jitter" stuff out ... had them again yesterday ... today, nothing ... all I can say is they are getting less and less ... and they are certainly less intense ...

 

For me they are sometimes "stress" induced ... but I really think they are just sneaky critters who enjoy going for a ramble once in a while ... I just wish they would find somewhere else to play ... like around the North Pole ...

 

[[Co...]]

Buelah.....hi...nice to see you today...you sound good...I remembervthis winter when both of us were posting desperate posts of s/x laden days. Things are so much better now...just a few months later. If not for head pressure and cycling anxiety I would be 75% s/x free most of the time. I am hopeful that month 10 will be my next turning point. I will be starting month 8 tomorrow. ....Buelah I love to see your posts and am so happy for your better days...

 

.....FREE.....the jitters seem to hang on for awhile. Mine are wiley like Nova says. They are shape shifters ...sometimes dogging me in the morning when I wake up...mostly they cycle in and out through the day. They seem to defy well thought out strategies.  I try to ignore them as much as possible ( not easy). Mine are starting to get better but can still overwhelm me. I think Nova is right,  stress seems to encourage mine. ..I hope this eases up for you Free....You are really making your way through this...the jitters will eventually get less distracting. ...

 

PEACE....how are you doing this morning?....I hope your wavy day is over and you are getting more rest. You really are trying to do this in the midst of a busy life. That takes a lot out of a person in w/d....I hope you can get some down time and catch your breath. I very much admire your pure grit determination. You arechoing to make your way to healing Peace and we will all celebrate with you...

 

NOVA....love your 'table ' .....you always bring deeply nourishing offerings that sustain us. Today I am only nibbling around the edges as my hunger for hope and encouragement is less today......speaking of food....have you been able to drink coffee all along?...I had it all through tapering and even acute, but in month 5 it started irritating my anxiety and palps so I stopped completely. In month 7 I started trying decaf ( a sad imposter for my indulgent sumatran capachinno), but way better than the herbal coffee I have been trying to like. Now it seems as though it is completely random...Sometimes I get those jitters and anxieties wheather I have coffee or not....sometimes I can have my decaf with no consequence at all...other times it seems to set them off ....so its pretty much a crape shoot ...and a back and forth negotiation with the Benzo Beast as to have decaf or not. ....I would just love to have life back in which having a glass of wine at book club and a DOUBLE latte on Sunday mornings with the crossword and chocolate brownies .....angers me to no end that simple things like wine and coffee have been robbed of me by this awful drug.....well my rant for the day....gonna go getvmy decaf ( drawing my line in sand with the Benzo Beast today) and enjoy my break from significant s/x this morning...who knows how long it will hold....

 

........To all......wishing every one of you a day of peace and sunbreaks......coop

 

[[li...]]

mommy, with every passing "killed dragon " there is a sense of accomplishment. We all have to do our part with CBT I agree.

 

Love to all. We will make it!

 

Life

[[pe...]]

Thank you, Nova. You've set a lovely table and I'm grateful to have a place. The best I can do today is rest my head upon it. I haven't got a thing to share, but I know that small thing is not a bother to you.