6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Good Morning from the very foggy Maritimes ... you folks are all coming along remarkably ... bottom line: we are living without the drug(s) ... that is so remarkably wonderful ... amazing ... never in my wildest hopes, dreams, fantasies did I think I would get this far ... that thought has been vanquished ...

 

I have a ways to go ... but I "know" I am not going back ... it is so true ... one day at a time ... this gradual accumulation of freedom ... and this rock hard substantial full-bodied feeling that I now have a choice and the strength to make that choice ... no more drug ... the "helpless" place has disappeared ... it still has its "echoes" in my life ... I hear them and let them go ... that is not my "song" anymore ...

 

Wherever each of you are "on the mountain" or "in the cave", wherever ... the "aftermath" may nibble at our heels, or chest, or arms, or heads, or our bellies, it may offer us the "intrusives" or give us anxious/panicky moments ... know these are just the "nibbles" ... and as each day passes they will gradually lose their "coherence" as we emerge into the life we are becoming ...

 

For all my Buddies on this journey ... welcome to today ... whatever it may bring ... we each can place another pebble on our cairn of healing/recovery.

 

 

[[...]]

Very nice Nova!! I had an entire day yesterday with a wide open window and feel good this morning!! I would like that to give some one hope!!!

 

Those behind us are desperate, as I was, to hear it gets better, please, please, know that it does, it's just gradual. Try not to focus on if it's better today, you will look back and see the improvement!

 

Nova is right...we are living drug free!

 

You guys are AWESOME!!

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

Well, I did it anyway ... went to a "focus group" after work yesterday ... seems the Canadian Medical Association is putting together some sort of "campaign" for "seniors" to let us all know how caring and wonderful all the doctors in the country are becoming ... took the bus downtown for 45 minutes ... found the place ... during the introduction we were each asked to tell about our "experience" of doctors in general ... I managed to speak up and say that I no longer trust them, that they refused to help me through my drug withdrawal, and refuse to acknowledge that the drug is an issue in my life. I gave no particulars ... not the time or place. As we moved through the process of evaluating the "campaign" I was able to be constructive and to stay sort of focused ... however, all my comments were "negative" because I was able to stay with the "patient" in the multi-media materials and say things like ... "no one is looking at the patient" ... "the medical people are talking too fast" ... "people are moving too fast" ... "the sound is too loud" ... it was pretty cool, gradually the others around the table started saying "yeah" ... "why don't they make eye contact" ... etc ... for the finale ... there was the issue of "are the medical people doing a good job with this campaign" ... "will this make you feel better about the medical process" ... I spoke up and said that I feel the medical people do not deserve any kudos for this campaign ... rather I feel they are in charge of a broken system and their self-interest lies in maintaining it ... I asked what about the fundamental principles of "first do no harm" and "informed consent" ... why are we not seeing anything about these issues in this campaign ... the group broke up and we left ...

 

I was mostly a complete wreck afterwards ... the bus ride home was pretty "dynamic" ... but I am proud that I went ... spoke quietly and I feel constructively ... I took part in something that was very hard for me to do ... and sat with the anxiety/panic that appeared shortly after the process began ... I wanted to leave ... and I saw it through to completion ...

 

Feel pretty lousy this morning ... suppose this is fall-out from my adventure yesterday ... not too bad for my first "outing" ... now I need to settle down enough to go for my driver's license renewal later today ...

 

Have a good day, folks.

[[No...]]

GMIT ... yes, so many days and months of "desperation" during tolerance, withdrawal, and recovery ... and it does get better ... oftentimes so very, very slow ... it was so confusing ... and we "stayed with it" ... hearing the stories of those that came before us ... that magical ingredient we all pursue so valiantly - HOPE ... we each have it (although it oftentimes feels missing) ... we each need to nourish it as best we can day to day ... what a beautiful "blooming" it is becoming ...

 

Take Care.

[[wh...]]

Hello!  This is not Whoot, but her partner.  She is having a really bad episode and is asking me to give her something to calm her down. She is asking for alcohol, but I am worried that will make things worse.  Any advice on how I can be supportive, but not make the situation worse.

[[...]]

Please wait for more advice, but alcohol will most likely easy the immediate symptoms but make it much more aggravated long term. Please help her through it, it is the hardest thing in the world to go through this, but she can do it!

 

We're here!

 

:smitten:

[[No...]]

This is not Whoot, but her partner - post over on "Post-withdrawal Recovery Support" - the responses will be quicker ... more experience there ...

 

[[pe...]]

Whoot's partner- Nova has good advice. Post there. I'll be thinking of you both and hoping her symptoms ease soon.

 

[[pe...]]

I've not been here much because I'm traveling with my family and also because things have been ok. I tend to be on BB more when the regular world can't hold me. I've had six pretty good days. Last night I felt my symptoms start creeping in - nausea, fatigue, cog fog, head pressure and depression. And now I'm in it, not as deep as before, but I'm in it. And all I've got is the phrase, "I don't want to do this anymore" on repeat in my brain. I want a drug that can pull me back out of the wave. I want something that will keep me from going under and getting battered by these waves. I just want my life back for good.

 

I should be grateful I had six decent days, instead I'm disappointed that it didn't last. That focus can't be helping my mood.

 

Peace2

[[wh...]]

Thank you.  I will not give up on her!!

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot....don't do it....I am in exactly the same place as you are today. I had 2 tablespoons of regular coffee in my decaf yesterday...huge anxiety.  heart palps...speedy heart and complete fear.....I will walk through the day with you....

.......I am starting with a lavender epsome salts hot soak.....some deep breathing and meditation...self talk ( I know this is w/d...even though it seems so real) ...believe me,  I want to go straight to er but I have been there twice...with nothing wrong...I am going to go outside to give my body a counter sensation to the intense anxiety...then I am going to do all those things all over again....as often as needed......I know this will pass ....it will pass for you too.

.....Whoot....alcohol will make it worse in the long run.  I took an actual rescue dose while in acute...I had a miserable paradoxical reaction to it....and my s/x were tripled for the next 7 days.

.....Whoot, I am saying the same thing you are today, " I can't do this one more minute " ..but I can't not not do this......just get through the day Whoot.  remember the sunbreaks you have had already...ask your friend to walk with you...it is such a help in the moment.

.......pm me if you want more encouragement....and read the withdrawal board, you will see many who are right where you are....so sorry Whoot I know how miserable it is....but you never want to do this again....hold on.  .coop

[[wh...]]

Thank you all once again.  Whoot is having a really bad day but we are working our way through this. Your encouragement is helping Whoot and me.  We are now talking about shifting the focus to a more positive future and what planning we need to do to get there.  Be it setting a fitness goal or simply to brush teeth!!

[[Co...]]

Whoot 's Partner...you sound like wonderful support..it can be a long road for our families and friendse too...be sure to take good care of yourself too. There is. family support thread on this board too.

.....just getting through the day is a perfect goal for now. Whoot is about half way through acute...give or take...it's different for everyone, but typically 3-4 months is acute. Things usually ease up a little after acute. 

.......wishing you both some relief today....coop

[[ro...]]

coop. I forgot, how long were you on the lorazepam?

My mind forgets..I have been thnking of you and hoping to be free one day too...everyday just kinda hard for me now..

Just  one day at a time... hugs  rose

[[li...]]

I've not been here much because I'm traveling with my family and also because things have been ok. I tend to be on BB more when the regular world can't hold me. I've had six pretty good days. Last night I felt my symptoms start creeping in - nausea, fatigue, cog fog, head pressure and depression. And now I'm in it, not as deep as before, but I'm in it. And all I've got is the phrase, "I don't want to do this anymore" on repeat in my brain. I want a drug that can pull me back out of the wave. I want something that will keep me from going under and getting battered by these waves. I just want my life back for good.

 

I should be grateful I had six decent days, instead I'm disappointed that it didn't last. That focus can't be helping my mood.

 

Peace2

 

Peace is the wave as deep? Does not sound that way?? You are probably very close to healing and not realize it. The peaks and valley's start to get smaller and smaller in the final days of turning the corner. Sometimes you will get a spike one and it goes away. If the symptoms are more bearable watch for windows appearing closer together. Just don't fight this. Be with it. Don't get angry,be accepting. The windows will come and your thinking will be better. Remember that waves are all going to put things in a negative perspective. Don't believe it!

 

Life

[[Co...]]

Hi Rose...how are you? ....I was on ativan for about 2 1/2 years..I think...can't quite remember...I am now about 8 months off following a 6 month taper...still hard but getting better I think I hope you are doing well

........coop...

[[pe...]]

Hi Life-

The wave doesn't seem to be as deep. I'm just so fearful of where this goes from here. I've read so many times about people feeling better for awhile only to be slammed back into terrible waves. This is better. I know this moment is better than so many before it. Even now I am feeling less fragile than I was 12 hours ago. I am going to do my best to stay with it and practice acceptance. What I can say for people having a difficult time is that the last few weeks are noticeably better than the weeks just before. It really does happen the way people describe, from unbearable to bearable in a matter of days or hours.

 

On another note, caffeine. Where do you stand and what's your experience? About a week ago I asked my husband to save the last little bit of coffee in his cup for me. It's maybe 4 tablespoons. I think it's perking me up a bit. I've never been a big coffee drinker, but use to drink a few sips a day.

Thoughts on how it effects healing?

[[...]]

I think you may get a variety of answers!

 

I have continued drinking 2-3 cups of coffee per day, I don't feel as though it has hurt me!

 

Glad you're doing better!! 

[[je...]]

Peace~ Im sorry you aren't feeling so well today, but the fact that you held it together for 6 days and were feeling great is awesome! Try not to worry about the future and just take everyday as it comes. As far as the coffee goes, I have drank one cup everyday since acute and never had a problem with it--it has actually helped me in the morning to think more clear. We are all so different though, did the small amount you drank have any effect on you? Jenny

[[pe...]]

Hi Jenny,

Thanks for the encouragement. I think the coffee does help clear the cobwebs a bit and also to perk up my mood. I'm going to stick with a few tablespoons a day. I will try to stay mindful. One day at a time.

 

How are you?

[[je...]]

Hi Peace~ Doing okay, very fatigued today and my anxiety is high. You know how it goes.... I have been doing so much lately and Im starting to feel like Iam over doing it.  I haven't been meditating lately, so I need to start that back up. I hope the rest of your trip goes well, Jenny

[[No...]]

peace2 - I have been drinking my limp decaf coffee for many years, getting off caffeine long ago was a help ... I know if I accidently drink "real" coffee I got for a loop ... everyone is different ...

 

One day at a time, my friend ... I only do "future" stuff when I am feeling okay and pretty grounded ... when I am running "loud" I stay right where I am and wait it out ... I have never found another place to run to that is as safe as the place am in this moment ... the "I don't want to do this anymore" and "I need a pill" are probably benzo lies as you know ... I believe we will get through this day ...

 

Take Care.

[[No...]]

Hi Jenny ... I know the "overdoing it" place ... long day yesterday and a long day again today ... lots of pressure for me in chest and head, anxiety and fatigue ... time for a day of "rest" tonight and tomorrow ...

 

Have a good evening.

[[Mo...]]

Just checking in.  I am 8 months out next Thursday.  My last wave from June 5-13 maxed out for two days on a 7 out of 10 rating.  I don't remember what happened, but it was really painful on my brain, like a 20lb bag was sitting on both lobes.  My Father Inlaw was on xanax 2mg a day for 2 years.  He had 2 months of s/x but is now normal according to him.  Everyone is different.

 

I'm pretty normal now.  The last wave ended just as suddenly as it came.  We had to go out of town, so it was all I could do to pack the family up and get the dishes done.  That night at the hotel, I slept.  When I woke in the morning there was a minor roller coaster nausea on me and depression, but after breakfast and getting in the pool with my kids it subsided.  I had a few 2 hour panic/fear 'spikes' on the 16, 17, then 19th and 20th.  Two were during the day and two woke me up.  They left as quickly as they came.  I did have to talk it out with my husband to find the rational thoughts.  My panic was over war and my health.  I'm talking they are going to march down our street without us knowing and take us captive fear.  Real fun at 3am.  The health one is just annoying at this point.   

 

I currently have some really minor s/x like chills.  These are not cold chills but they run thru me sideways below my waist.  It's a very odd sensation.  I used to get them at the beginning of my taper.

 

I tested my theory on if the muscle relaxer I took back in May sent me into a wave.  Two days ago I took half a 10mg flexiril.  It kept me from sleeping and I woke with a mild 'pain brain'.  So definitely sensitive to meds. 

 

We leave next Thursday for a 2 week vacation, so my counselor and I went over tactics to prepare for any mental challenges.  I am packing our baggage early  (this weekend) to avoid any unnecessary stress.  I have also noticed 4:30pm is the witching hour for me.  I am done done done at that point of the day, but full of go before that.  Anything after that is pushing it.

 

Dr. Jennifer posted a great news article today.  She is in a pretty severe 3 week wave.  Please keep her in your thoughts.  Here is a link to the article:

 

http://www.bendbulletin.com/home/2119922-151/benzodiazepines-treat-anxiety-cause-long-term-problems# 

[[Fr...]]

Hi MommyR and Peace - I'm sorry you are both in waves.  I can empathize.  One going on here too, hoping it will pass soon.  We did drive up north (4 hours) in separate cars 9 hubby and I), and I made it, ok even aching and all.  These latest waves are odd.  Some days are more mental than physical, today, more physical.  When does this resolve?

 

I'm happy that those of you ahead of me are beginning to see the light. 

 

It is bizarre how waves come on and then go away.  It's wonderful when they leave:)

 

I'm still aching sitting here, about to go rest.

 

Nova - you're right- why fight it?  Jenny - good to hear from you - are you feeling lots better?

 

Feel better everyone.  Healing prayers to you all.

 

Free