6-12 month thread....

[[li...]]

I am trying to figure out if this restlessness of not knowing what to do is a s/a of benzos or is it just a "re-entry" problem? Maybe we can finish this statement...

 

If I slow down I feel like?">>>> My answer would be -- I feel lost and the feeling of not knowing what to do is uncomfortable and anxious to me.

 

Now the questions is why? I think it is possibly because I have distracted myself so much that I am having to learn how to just "be". It sure is preplexing to me?

 

life

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks ...

 

I took yesterday "off" ... I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by a sense of "duty" to respond to posts ... and that is my "stuff" ... I am aware of it and am working on it ... also am back in some "loud" full bodied side effects ... the cycle continues ...

 

Life ... it makes "sense" to be feel as you do ... that after all the time we spend "distracting" it would take some time to change gears ... as Peace says just plain getting used to being out in the world ... and a little anxiety around this would not seem out of place ... maybe because the "window-wave" phenomena are so "dramatic" ... we spend hours, days, weeks in the throes of side-effects and distracting and all of sudden they are absent or "turned-down"  ... stick around for a while and then back in the side-effects ... perhaps this pattern becomes "normal" for a while ... and then that "phase" leaves us and we then start learning a new "pattern" ... don't know, I am not there yet so that is pure speculation on my part ...

 

I suspect your "just be" is a path to explore ...

 

Take Care Folks ... Have a good Tuesday.

 

[[...]]

Yes, I believe it is our natural inclination to move forward, live!

 

The windows make me feel like my old self, which makes me want to participate more in life!!

 

[[Co...]]

Good morning Peace, Jenny, Green, Sky, Life, Nova, Hope, and all....

....Life...I am sometimes experiencing that restless moderate anxiety of feeling 'lost ' in the day. From the very beginning of my taper routine has been a major grounding strategy forward me. I am almost ( July 3) stepping I to 8 months and caught between anxiety about going out and anxiety about having an empty day. It seems as though my s/x and all consuming w/d is beginning to leave little gaps in my brain..  just not predictably or reliably. Last week I had 3 PT appointments and that disasterous day of going out for coffee and seeing a friend all on the same day...that week ended in a 3 day wave. ..On the other hand if I am padding around home and having some sunbreaks I get an existential anxiety of my life wasting away and having no purpose. I hope this means we are in a limbo between healing and still active s/x.

.......This week I am doing something small and non-livable stressful every other day.  Yesterday I got up with the usual morning s/x but was determined to go to my PT...I had anxiety and head pressure ( which feeds my anxiety), but I went ...and felt much better after PT. ( I go to traet some mild lymphadema but they also treat my ears and I swear it helps the tinnitus and head pressure). I had a long sunbreak throughout the rest of the afternoon and smiled alot at the dog)

.......I am not sure, but I think there is a subtle shift towards getting better. I am not getting day long windows like I did in month 4, but I think there is a consistent softening and falling away of some of the intense s/x of acute. The intrusive existential relentless dire thoughts are almost completely gone. The shaking,  jitters,  depression and crying are reliably infrequent. If the head pressure would leave I would feel consistently 65% better....I think moderate hypochondria and some unease about going out will take several more months, but they are becomming less debilitating...which brings me back to where I began...on good days I have anxiety about not having purposeful meaningful direction ...but not well enough yet to be able to predict my ability to get from morning to evening being the same person ....also causing anxiety. ....So more acceptance and a certain amount of waiting......4- 6 more months at least.  When I remind myself that I am actually only 3 or so months out of acute with 2 rescue ddoses along the way ( one in month 4 after er visit.  another in month 5 after adverse reaction to antibiotic) I realize that 8 months is probably as Life 's addiction specialist predicts the beginning of a healing phase, but learning to live again and being out in the world again is probably like Piano Girl writes,  another year of better healing.

.  ......And healing is a meaningful and purposeful endeavor.

.        ..This is what I know today....I am less afraid now than I was when I was 3 weeks ON ativan

 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Coop,

 

Thank you for reporting your signs of improvement to us - I think that's very important.  It certainly does sound as if you're coming along, healing nicely.  These are the kinds of objective reality that helps us see very clearly that improvement is truly occurring.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Wishing all a day of big windows and many sunbreaks.. Every one of your posts keeps me hopeful and faithful to the process.  Love to all....coop

[[...]]

Thanks Coop! I appreciate it! Wishing you the same! 

[[wh...]]

Hi guys

I think I know what you mean.  When I have a good day or even a good 6 hours I feel like I am learning how to be me all over again. I kind of go into shock about how "weird" I have been and it's hard to wrap my head around it.  It kind of brings it all to the forefront and causes anxiety.  Is this kind of how you feel?  I want to do everything and push myself and then feel a little symptomatic and then anxiety because I'm afraid to go back to "benzo hell".  It's like we have to learn how to just "be" again. Am I right?

This is where I'm at today

Hope everyone is good today. 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Guys,

 

Coop, Life and Whoot Whoot - I have quite similar difficulties.  The very acute physical symptoms are easing up, leaving me with the weird existential anxiety too.  Mine is in the form of OCD-like thoughts that won't subside, yet  I keep fighting them off having to do with perfecting every corner of my house.  I hate what that does to me.  I don't want to waste the rest of my life fixing grout or a spot of wall paint and on and on, but if I don't I must let it go completely which is hard for me because I love design.  Hopefully this is all wd because it's exhausting to me, causing anxiety and depression.  What is wd and what is not?  I've worked so hard at overcoming this and haven't yet, but if it's wd then it should go away on its own.  This is so tiring.  I just want to be like most people who overlook scuffs on their walls and the aging of a home.  Why is this so difficult for me?  I don't wash my hands over and over or check the stove like some with OCD - mine is totally and completely about perfecting my house.  It's sick and ever so brain tiring.

 

Anyone else this weird?

 

Free

[[wh...]]

Hi free mine are health issues.. I got dizzy.  I was just trying to do normal things like make pastry for pie; book a hotel room...you know normal...but it doesn't feel easy.  Everything is hard or overwhelming.  I felt so good last night.

I'm shaking right now.  I can't stop the intrusive thoughts. I feel like I'll never be ok again sometimes. 

the thoughts have no basis in truth but I can't stop them...Ahhhhhhh..............

You can't just stop breathing or existing.....I know this but I can't stop thinking it.................

Shaky and scared right now. I wish I was OCD about something else....

[[je...]]

Hi everyone!

Free~ I get like that every so often about my house too. I want it to be perfectly decorated, clean, organized etc. etc. I have 2 little boys so that is impossible, but I do obsess about it every so often. I can completely relate to how you are feeling with the OCD.

Coop~ It sounds like you are doing better I just want to let you know that when I go out with friends, or have people over it sends me into a 3 day wave too. I don't know if its because I have a little social anxiety, or because Iam over doing it, or if its the stress of having to be "normal" around people. I cant pin point what the cause is for me, but I do notice a increase in sx for about 3 days.

I have had some increase in anxiety the last few days and the cortisol surge in the mornings has been bad. I went to church on Sunday and literally had to white knuckle my way through the whole service. I was in a complete panic for no reason. That is the closest I have felt to wanting to take a pill just so I could calm down. Coop does the Benadryl help you? I bought some today just in case I have another episode like Sunday. I don't know where this anxiety is coming from, I have had little to none the last few months-- I thought that was over, but I was wrong. I hope everyone is having a great day! Jenny

[[Fr...]]

Well Whoot Whoot - I'll trade for a while and see how we do - lol - neither is good and it better go away.

 

Jenny - I'm sorry you have this too - it's so hard.  I guess our brains are low in gaba.  I am so jealous of so-called normal people who don't obsess.

 

Are there any tools for us?

 

Free

[[li...]]

Hi Guys,

 

Coop, Life and Whoot Whoot - I have quite similar difficulties.  The very acute physical symptoms are easing up, leaving me with the weird existential anxiety too.  Mine is in the form of OCD-like thoughts that won't subside, yet  I keep fighting them off having to do with perfecting every corner of my house.  I hate what that does to me.  I don't want to waste the rest of my life fixing grout or a spot of wall paint and on and on, but if I don't I must let it go completely which is hard for me because I love design.  Hopefully this is all wd because it's exhausting to me, causing anxiety and depression.  What is wd and what is not?  I've worked so hard at overcoming this and haven't yet, but if it's wd then it should go away on its own.  This is so tiring.  I just want to be like most people who overlook scuffs on their walls and the aging of a home.  Why is this so difficult for me?  I don't wash my hands over and over or check the stove like some with OCD - mine is totally and completely about perfecting my house.  It's sick and ever so brain tiring.

 

Anyone else this weird?

 

Free

 

First so glad to hear from that from you Coop. That is so awesome that you are feeling better - YOU SAID "The intrusive existential relentless dire thoughts are almost completely gone." THAT is something else. I think 8 months is a turning point for many but be gentle if its not exactly 8 months.

 

Free,yes wow!!!! It's like our mind during w/d is fighting off so many symptoms that it finds ways of distracting itself. That is what I am assuming happens to me too. I have been teaching myself to distract, distract, distract that now that my symptoms are going away, I feel like I am left with an empty feeling if I am not "doing something". I think its like shadow boxing. The fighter may be gone but you just keep shadow boxing out of habit. That is what I think is happening to me.

 

As for the way my day is going -- overall pretty good. Had a bit of time with God by a stream asking him for interanl strength and stamina and to accept "being" in life without having to "do" all the time. Then all of the sudden I heard news that an offer on an inverstnet I made was taken and now I am going "Wow, am I ready for this"? I am ready for it.! Shit yeah I am! :thumbsup:I think toward the end of dark cave experience the healing process is cognitive.

 

This is what I mean by that. Make no bones about it -- we have all endured a trauma of sorts. Like any trauma the brain rebuilds itself (not in the neurological sense i.e. Gaba sense but in the cognitive sense) with one good experience and then another. So I think it is part our jobs to push ourselves to  where we can in order to allow the brain to experience success and to let oursleves to feel better about things. It's a delicate balance. So today was a great day with periods of feeling "bored" or empty with nothing to do  with the a period of "Oh boy can I handle this"? We are healing. I am so grateful to God for being able to be where I am and to start venturing into the real world. For those yet not ready -- neither was I just one month ago. Your turn may be minutes or days away!.

 

Any comments on this issue I am having of not being able to slow down would be appreciated.

 

life

[[Co...]]

Whoot ...its all acute. I also had dizziness. The inability to think and plan and organize thoughts is called cog fog...an extremely common w/d s/x. It comes and goes, but is predominant in acute. It does go away ..it is just very difficult to believe that it will go away. The shakes,  jitters and health fears are also acute. I also have persistent hypochondria, but it is much better now.  I would say that my OCD was definitely around health fear. Now I can discern between s/x driven health fear 24/7 and ' normal ' health concerns. ..Whoot this is all going to get better. Take each day on its own and do whatever you need to do in that day to get through. Its great that you have a supportive relationship in your life, that will go a long way in getting through acute.

.......You are going to be ok Whoot.....coop

[[li...]]

Hi everyone!

Free~ I get like that every so often about my house too. I want it to be perfectly decorated, clean, organized etc. etc. I have 2 little boys so that is impossible, but I do obsess about it every so often. I can completely relate to how you are feeling with the OCD.

Coop~ It sounds like you are doing better I just want to let you know that when I go out with friends, or have people over it sends me into a 3 day wave too. I don't know if its because I have a little social anxiety, or because Iam over doing it, or if its the stress of having to be "normal" around people. I cant pin point what the cause is for me, but I do notice a increase in sx for about 3 days.

I have had some increase in anxiety the last few days and the cortisol surge in the mornings has been bad. I went to church on Sunday and literally had to white knuckle my way through the whole service. I was in a complete panic for no reason. That is the closest I have felt to wanting to take a pill just so I could calm down. Coop does the Benadryl help you? I bought some today just in case I have another episode like Sunday. I don't know where this anxiety is coming from, I have had little to none the last few months-- I thought that was over, but I was wrong. I hope everyone is having a great day! Jenny

 

Jenny it' all ok. Just because you had free floating anxiety it odes not mean you will have it again or they way we all think "forever". I would suggest to just to the best of your ability -- I know it's hard -- just accept it and sit with it in a quite corner and "feel the feeling". Don't run from them or be afraid of them. Every sputtering engine has a backfire every once in a while -- that does not prevent it from moving forward as the engine goes back to normal.

 

life

[[je...]]

Thank you Life, your comment just made me feel much more at ease. I will try to do your suggestion. Jenny

[[Fr...]]

Life - thanks for your comments and wisdom.  These looping perfectionist thoughts are not fun and I'd like to be rid of them.  Sounds like you are ready for new challenges.

 

Free

[[Co...]]

Life, I think you expressed it perfectly," I am not doing sometning " . That is exactly what I meant by the all consuming s/x are leaving gaps or open spaces in our inward turned brains. All of. sudden our s/x become quiet and we don't know how to ' not attend ' . Its kind of like when my youngest went to kindergarten...all of a sudden I didn't know how to organize or ' be ' from 8 am until 1230. without my little boy to focus on.  At first I just fumbled through the morning not knowing what to do with myself...and it caused restlessness boredom and mild anxiety. In time I learned how to create a new morning routine ( it was more intense when my kids left for college, but that is a variation of grief on the same theme). ....Anyway ...I think it takes time to learn how to 'be ' again. For me, on my 'good ' days I am afraid if I am not busy and distracted every minute all my s/x will come back and my moments of relief will evaporate in a poof. So business becomes a defense rather than a strategy for getting through s/x....I hope any of this makes sense.

......Life...big congratulations on the successful investment.....I just could not be happier for you.

.Thank you so much for posting...coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Jenny, I still can not Geo to Mass either...or my grandsons ' classrooms. For me it has something to do with feeling like I am trapped in a group of people and can't leave ( without making a big scene)  if I have a panic.  or a health ( imaginary) issue. So of course when I try I get near panic anxiety. A few weeks ago I went to my grandson 's end of the school year program. I was in a complete state the entire time with huge head pressure, fear and feeling trapped. I think its going to take me another 6-12 months to to be ok in those situations again and I am trying to patient and ok with that. Right now going to the store, PT, shopping, a movie etc ..anything I can flee from ( lol) is the best I can do.

.....Thank you so much for sharaing with me that you get waves after socializing...I think you bit the nail on the head...the huge stress and effort to appear normal..follow a conversation while you are slogging through d/r or panic or cog fog with an attentive expression. on your face and a smile on your lips..exhausting.

....I am so sorry you are having a recurrence of anxiety...Yes, the benedryl did help. I only took 12 mg so the relief was fairly short ( 3-4 hours), but enough to get me through a horrible anxiety attack and to a place where I could handle it. For me it wax not without side effects. It gave me a headache, made my heart beat fast and raised my b/p about 10 points on either end. Having said that, I would take it again if I had to. Its preferable to a rescue dose and effective. I have a friend who is 4 months withdrawn from depakoate and he uses it for insomnia from time to time without side effects. Just be sure to try a small dose to see how it effects you. It is not a benzo and I don't think it attaches to benzo receptors. There might be information about it on the ' Others Medications ' board.

...Jenny you are so close to 12 months off...I am really looking forward to celebrating your anniversary with you. ...hope your anxiety is short lived....coop

[[wh...]]

Hi again.

Coop ....thank you for always coming to my rescue .  It's a bit better now.  simple things are overwhelming...

I'm glad you are feeling better.  So glad. 

this is just the weirdest; hardest thing.  so hard to believe. 

[[li...]]

Life, I think you expressed it perfectly," I am not doing sometning " . That is exactly what I meant by the all consuming s/x are leaving gaps or open spaces in our inward turned brains. All of. sudden our s/x become quiet and we don't know how to ' not attend ' . Its kind of like when my youngest went to kindergarten...all of a sudden I didn't know how to organize or ' be ' from 8 am until 1230. without my little boy to focus on.  At first I just fumbled through the morning not knowing what to do with myself...and it caused restlessness boredom and mild anxiety. In time I learned how to create a new morning routine ( it was more intense when my kids left for college, but that is a variation of grief on the same theme). ....Anyway ...I think it takes time to learn how to 'be ' again. For me, on my 'good ' days I am afraid if I am not busy and distracted every minute all my s/x will come back and my moments of relief will evaporate in a poof. So business becomes a defense rather than a strategy for getting through s/x....I hope any of this makes sense.

......Life...big congratulations on the successful investment.....I just could not be happier for you.

.Thank you so much for posting...coop

 

Coop, what you wrote makes all the sense in the world. It is exactly like not knowing what to do with myself and that makes me feel like "Oh shit I am feeling bored/down what if???" That is why I think recovery at some point is cognitive as much as physical healing.

[[li...]]

Hi again.

Coop ....thank you for always coming to my rescue .  It's a bit better now.  simple things are overwhelming...

I'm glad you are feeling better.  So glad. 

this is just the weirdest; hardest thing.  so hard to believe. 

 

Whoot I know what you mean. When I was in acute I remember saying "This cant be happening to me? Why me? What if its like this forever. This is not normal." This is a very nasty class of drug. Many specialists say the worts. it is not insurmountable to overcome this nasty drugs affects and we are all proof of that!

 

Life

[[je...]]

Coop, thank you for the reply. I think I feel the same way about feeling trapped in a room full of people, tough stuff....thanks for the tip on the benadryl I will only take one if its an emergency like the other day, but I'm really hoping I won't have too. Jenny

[[Co...]]

Life, yes...PianoGirl...one of the moderators has a great success story and she often says that she was feeling much better in the 12-18 month mark, but a lot of her final healing was by the 2 year mark. I hope the second year is all about getting back to who we were before benzos and getting back into the world without training wheels. .I think it is just like you said Life, the more we test the waters and practice and build one good experience on another the better we get at it. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would have to ' practice ' going to Mass or to my grandsons' classrooms....but that's where I am ...learning to live in the world again....Thankfully I am better than I was this time last year, but I must say I feel like someone who has suffered a complete breakdown and am in the long tenuous process of becoming well so its going to take some substantial time. More patience...more acceptance ....

.......You sound like you are so well on your way Life....coop

 

[[li...]]

Life, yes...PianoGirl...one of the moderators has a great success story and she often says that she was feeling much better in the 12-18 month mark, but a lot of her final healing was by the 2 year mark. I hope the second year is all about getting back to who we were before benzos and getting back into the world without training wheels. .I think it is just like you said Life, the more we test the waters and practice and build one good experience on another the better we get at it. In my wildest dreams I never thought I would have to ' practice ' going to Mass or to my grandsons' classrooms....but that's where I am ...learning to live in the world again....Thankfully I am better than I was this time last year, but I must say I feel like someone who has suffered a complete breakdown and am in the long tenuous process of becoming well so its going to take some substantial time. More patience...more acceptance ....

.......You sound like you are so well on your way Life....coop

 

Coop, I think that acute functions on the brain like a breakdown. It is a very traumatic experience but the brain has a way to fix itself. I think allot of what happens to us is the s/a of the Gaba system which are hard to control but some of it is cognitive. It is like training wheels. But it also gives us an opportunity t get it right the second time around.

 

life