6-12 month thread....

[[wh...]]

HI everyone;  Coop; Nova; Life, Ama; Hope et al;

You all sound good and or holdihg and I'm glad. You are all in my thoughts all the time. Whenever I feel like crap I just think my buddies are out there and we all just have to be strong for eachother.  You are all amazing people; maybe the more empathetic and sensitive you are the harder some of these things seem but the more you learn how strong love; hope and we are.

We are not alone....Nova that was so sweet. 

We will be amazing people after this....I pushed myself through the fear and dread today...it can kiss my butt. 

So happy for you Life .... thanks for the awesome updates and thanks everyone for the guidance for us newbies.  This thread is full of hope. 

[[Co...]]

Nova,  your presence on this thread has helped each and every one of us here. ..Your bounce might be not quite as bouncy as you would like, but your personality and ' zen ' wisedom id clearly heard and felt...thank you for being here with us....coop

.....I sleep no more than 4-4 1/2 hours at night as well Once in awhile during a window I might get 6. I cant sleep in the day. I also for the most part think it does not harm me....although lately I feel that it is wearing on me.

...I am really hoping that you and get out of this cave with everyone else ( not my best day today...need to see my world through a looog window pretty soon)

.....wishing you sleep Nova....and a bright sunny window....coop

 

[[No...]]

For Us ....   

 

[[ci...]]

Been a while so I thought I would just stop in and say hello. I haven't gone back to read how everyone is doing but I hope there are more ups than down.

 

Personally I have been doing well except for the past week or two. Been under some hellish stress and it has shown back up in the form of some dizziness , weak legs, physical intolerance to exertion and the night time vibrations when falling asleep.

 

Otherwise all is good.

[[Co...]]

Ed,  a year is so great. I am really sorry you are not sleeping. I did not have big insomnia issues during taper and early p/w...I first experienced actual insomnia for a few weeks at the beginning of month 6.....now at 7.5 months off I have early waking up after 4- 4 1/2 hours and can not go back to sleep. Actually it seems as though I have a completely different p/w than I did in months 1-5...some s/x have dropped off only to be replaced by new ones. ...

....Don't give up Ed...this could turn around for you at any time..I know those words sound hollow when we are worn down by relentless s/x.....Do you rest during the day?.....Have some of your s/x dropped off now except for the fear and insomnia?

.......wishing you and me and Nova some peaceful sleep....coop

[[Co...]]

Hey C-man!.....wow,  what a good shot of encouragement!...So so happy to hear that you are well...I will be watching for a success story. I hope your ' normal ' life stress lets up.  I would think that all of us are going to be vulnerable to stress for quite some time

......thanks so much for stopping by to let us know how you are doing and to give us a needed bright ray of continued hope.

....stay well C-man.....coop

[[ci...]]

Coop

 

I actually made a success story a while back. I think I called it Cirerecrem (Eric) no more blame game. I still stand by it. In many ways I am better than before the benzodiazepine. In some ways worse. Mainly I still don't tolerate exertion well.

 

As for the recent setback I don't blame the benzos. I think some of the sxs became sort of ingrained responses to stress and now that I am under stress they flare back up. The other way I look at it is that we have gone so many years with a chemical buffer, with artificial brakes on the train. Now that we are off we re experiencing everything completely raw for essentially the first time. Paying bills, 9-5, paying taxes,waiting on pay day,relationships,loud voices, EVERYTHING. heck even when we were growing up we got introduced to things in bite size pieces. Once we jump off the meds we the thrown back into life full speed. Of course we will have set backs. Of course we will get overwhelmed. It is frustrating but if we look at it logically then it is expected.

 

If I could exercise without feeling I was gonna have a seizure or my heart wouldn't race then I would be fine.

 

Anyway, hang in there folks.

[[He...]]

Coop

 

I actually made a success story a while back. I think I called it Cirerecrem (Eric) no more blame game. I still stand by it. In many ways I am better than before the benzodiazepine. In some ways worse. Mainly I still don't tolerate exertion well.

 

As for the recent setback I don't blame the benzos. I think some of the sxs became sort of ingrained responses to stress and now that I am under stress they flare back up. The other way I look at it is that we have gone so many years with a chemical buffer, with artificial brakes on the train. Now that we are off we re experiencing everything completely raw for essentially the first time. Paying bills, 9-5, paying taxes,waiting on pay day,relationships,loud voices, EVERYTHING. heck even when we were growing up we got introduced to things in bite size pieces. Once we jump off the meds we the thrown back into life full speed. Of course we will have set backs. Of course we will get overwhelmed. It is frustrating but if we look at it logically then it is expected.

If I could exercise without feeling I was gonna have a seizure or my heart wouldn't race then I would be fine.

 

Anyway, hang in there folks.

 

Hi cire!

I totally agree with this and I think this is where I am at.  Just learning to deal with stressors without that chemical buffer.  I keep learning that I am pretty good at it, and I often surprise myself.  I was just thinking yesterday as I was dealing with some anxious feelings in the morning that pre-withdrawal I would have thought of the butterflies in my stomach as "excitement" rather than "anxiety/wave".  This withdrawal experience has reframed some of my normal feelings as negative and I think that a part of the healing process is to change them back. 

[[He...]]

For Us ....   

 

 

I'll join that applause  and add in a high five  !!

[[wh...]]

Hi guys.  sounds like everyone is hanging in there.

I had a good evening last night felt pretty normal; happy even.  I did have a drink which I;m wondering is why I feel so bad today again.

I had weird dreams that I can't shake and I feel like something is terribly wrong.

I'm supposed to go golfing with friends; normal happy life stuff and I'm scared to leave my couch.

Was that a window?  The contrast from last night to this morning is so huge it's hard to take.

Does this happen to you?

[[Co...]]

Whoot, Those momentary lifting of s/x are what I call sunbreaks. It is great that you are seeing sunbreaks during acute. Everything you describe,  fear of leaving the couch,  huge variation of mood and s/x and fearing things that normally are part of your life without thinking twice is all w/d...the feeling of " something is just not right " is a flagstone w/d s/x

.......The only thing I have been able to do throughout is to push myself gently when I can,  keep commitments to a minimum,  keep plans short and very open ended and ' go with ' my s/x as much as possible..acceptance ...acceptance...acceptance along with distraction got me through acute. ...W/d is absolutely circular...it is not linear so especially during acute life becomes unpredictable,  the most helpful frame of mind is to get up each day and do the best you can with what your s/x present to you...even if it means going back to bed and the best you can do is concentrate 5 minutes at a time ..feed yourself and stay determined ...staying determined is huge and very much good enough on tough days. It will not be like this forever,  but it is helpful to know that probably the most part of the next year will be about living with some w/d s/x. ....having said that,  you will have good days too....and if you go the distance you will never have to do this again...

.......You have such a great start Whoot, ...you are going to get through this.....coop

[[Co...]]

Well,  ...today is starting out better ( knock on wood) Today...this morning anyway I do not have the awful crazy ' exploding inflamed brain ' s/x ...also very little tinnitis...thank you thank you God. ...I feel like I am close to seeing through a window. I smiled at my dog on our walk and played around in my box garden and that is so much more than I could do yesterday so I will take it....sleep was better! ...woke up at 4 am but actually went back to sleep until 6...with REM dreams...huge improvement ...but don't expect it to hold...but so appreciative of even one night of better sleep. I feel hopeful and expectant for what my life will look like in even 2-3 more months

....I am reading how brave others are right now with going back to work, going on day trips and vacation,  play dates and excursions with their children and even going on dates to see plays and I am tempted to feel that I am not " doing this right "..why are my good days still defined by just getting out to take the dog out,  padding around the house getting things done,  a really good day is going to the store or keeping my PT appointment... why seeing 2 friends in one day ended up in. 3 day wave...what.am I not doing to keep the window open? Then I remember...oh,  yeah...healing is circular and any given day is what it is and as Green says,  " You get up and do the best you can "...acceptance acceptance acceptance as Nova would advise us,  is only way to get through...water ..even tiny drops breaking through the stone. ....So today I am so happy to play in the garden.,  smile at the dog,  concentrate on a movie and enjoy a little decaf ( incredible joy).... I wish I was steady enough to go to Mass but I am not. I will accept that because I really know it will come in the next few months. ...and today is so much better than yesterday....wishing all of you a bright joyous day....coop

[[No...]]

Whoot and Coop and everyone dropping by ... good to hear we are all getting some "respite" from time to time ... staying within where we are in the moment ... and the gratitude for what is available to us today ... yes, a good evening ... some sleep ... a shared breakfast ... a stroll with a pet ... watching a little TV or listening to some music or reading a little ... puttering ...

 

Yes, our lives are "circumscribed" ... yes this non-linear roller-coaster can be scary and daunting ... and it is my sense that this is right where I need to be, right now, to recover ... and I do not "understand" why this should be as it is ... and that is tough for me ... there are "guidelines" and some "mileposts" that sometimes make a little sense to me ...I usually do not feel "resigned to my fate" ... rather I can accept this is where I am on the path I have chosen to recovery ... even though my brain can't figure it out, my heart knows I am safe and getting along as best I can ... whatever amount of time this will take, I will see it through and I will recover ...

 

Wishing a good Sunday for all ...

 

[[Fr...]]

I get real confused when I come out of windows. Does anyone else get confused about their healing process?  I'm not explaining this very well because  it's hard putting into words.  I just had the nicest, longest stretch of good days (5 1/2 ) in a row since I've been in tolerance (over 2 years) and actual wd (I'm in month 5).  Then it went into a mild wave for 24 hours and now I feel pretty good but weird.  I can't tell if the weird sort of mild anxiety feeling is the new wave or just me - it's in the brain too.

 

Does this go away?  The wave used to be so bad and distinct - mind you, I'm not complaining that they are way less, but want to feel really good now and can't tell what's going on.

 

Can anybody help?  Last week, I felt really good, like maybe this was wrapping up, but nope.  How does the next phase go?

 

Lisa

[[No...]]

FreeofV  ... how about ... out of hell, into limbo, and the way to heaven ... as you say, very hard to put into words ... "weird" also describes the feeling ...

 

Glad to hear you had stretch of good days ...

 

And we are all so unique in how the process will unfold and how we experience it ...

 

Take Care.

[[Fr...]]

LOL NS - out of hell is so accurate.  It is like being in limbo - great description.  So how do I get to heaven while here on earth?  How do any of us?

 

I told my husband if we could pre-choose who we'd come back as, if one could choose that, I would choose to come back as a person who was smart but who didn't ever experience depression or anxiety.  He told me that would only exist in heaven.

 

How are you feeling?  Has the dp / dr lifted for you?

 

Free 

[[li...]]

I get real confused when I come out of windows. Does anyone else get confused about their healing process?  I'm not explaining this very well because  it's hard putting into words.  I just had the nicest, longest stretch of good days (5 1/2 ) in a row since I've been in tolerance (over 2 years) and actual wd (I'm in month 5).  Then it went into a mild wave for 24 hours and now I feel pretty good but weird.  I can't tell if the weird sort of mild anxiety feeling is the new wave or just me - it's in the brain too.

 

Does this go away?  The wave used to be so bad and distinct - mind you, I'm not complaining that they are way less, but want to feel really good now and can't tell what's going on.

 

Can anybody help?  Last week, I felt really good, like maybe this was wrapping up, but nope.  How does the next phase go?

 

Lisa

 

Free, this is definitely the beginning of turning a corner. It's like a ball that is bouncing UP a a blank -- the waves get less and less and the windows more and more and the Walla! Total healing. What you are explaining is is 100% what I felt before I started seeing allot of healing. It's like a sputtering car that just want to turn over. Just keep turning the key as the engine will turn over and your window for life will appear. What you explained is great sign.

 

life

[[No...]]

Free ... how about an "easy" question ... I am feeling okay ... really in limbo ... don't think I have had the dp/dr stuff to any extent since starting taper long ago ...

 

Had one window a while back where everything stopped for a few hours, a wonderful "taste" of things to come ... now I am back to my usual routine of the "volume" moving up and down between 3 and 5 ... haven't had a 8 or 9 in a while ... things are moving along ...

 

"heaven while here on earth?" ... haven't got a clue ... I think I will wait and be surprised ...

 

NovaScotia

[[li...]]

Whoot, that is awesome that you are having windows in acute. Keep it up.

 

Coop, you are definitely going to make it.  It great that you are doing so much better! By the way, the act of comparing your progress against others is definitely a s/a of benzos. I used to get so upset I could not do what others were doing .Then somehow I started doing what others were doing and no longer feel this way. It a form of anger I guess. Accept where you are as you said.

 

Today I noticed that the big s/a I left over is that I simply am antsy and need something to always do. It's like I have been so good at distracting myself for so long that I don't know how to slow down. Are there others that have this symptoms of not being able to slow down? It like I feel general light anxiety from time to time if I slow down.

 

life

 

 

[[No...]]

Life ... sounds like you are "adapting" ... and you sound like you know how you are doing ... I have "perfected" slowing down so much that I wonder sometimes if I will ever find the accelerator again ... seems reasonable that you feel a "light anxiety from time to time" as you learn the balance between "activity" and "rest" ...

 

You have been on a long, long trip (recovery) ... it will probably take a while longer to come all the way back.

 

Always best to "dock the boat" between "boat dances" ...

 

Take Care.

[[Fr...]]

NS - I'm glad you're out of that dp/ dr that I thought you were in there for awhile.  Your windows will come soon since you've already had one.  There are more out there for you!  Heaven on earth perhaps!

 

Thank you Life for reassuring me - yes, that's the hope I'm going for - that these windows are about to butt up one against the other and soon.  Today started a bit jittery but now the day is pretty good!

 

Free

[[wh...]]

Hi guys thanks again.

A few of us are having a bit of a rough day...tomorrow will be better.

Thanks for being here....no words of wisdom today.

Thank goodness  I have a supportive man ....I hope you all have someone as well.

Love and strength to you all....and .....you've been so kind..

 

[[li...]]

I am finding that as I am able to do things the more of those things I want to do. Here's is the rub. I don't know what to do as I have slowed down due to my recovery and that feeling of "not knowing what to do" and the "lack of structure" in my life currently is what makes me anxious. It not an unbearable anxiety but a slight anxiety. Here is a remnant of the past. I feel like if I cant find structure soon that it might throw me into a wave. What is with all this? I may be writing this for myself as I'm not sure what anyone can say to this. I guess I am finding myself being bored if things are not happening.

 

If anyone can relate to this weird explanation,please advise. If not happy healing to all.

 

 

PS Slow board today!

[[...]]

Oh my gosh Life, you described my feelings...and scarier is that most people probably wouldn't get that at all!!! 

 

I can't believe you put my feelings in words!

[[pe...]]

Hi Life-

I think I'm feeling a shade of this. I've been traveling with my family and seeing friends and family we rarely see. It's been busy and full of welcome distraction. When things slow down I feel a little lost. I actually felt a little 'bored' this afternoon. I haven't felt that for a year and a half. Feeling all these normal things after their absence is certainly weird. I think of it as reentry, what astronauts go through. I am returning to this world after being on a long trip. The return is not effortless, there is a lot of reaclemating taking place. Slowly. Carefully. Here we are. Here we go.

 

Peace2