6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Whoot, ...if you can hang on through one more month I think things will break up a little. I know the hell of going one second to the next...it really will ease up. Acute is the hardest part.

....Hot packs yo your sinus and nose will help the nose pressure. I am battling that one myself right now myself. I didn't have it in acute,  but it caught up with me now. ...Make a neck roll out of a couple of towels..make a smaller one for your face. Put them in the micro for a minute or so...put the neck roll to the back of your neck and the other one across your eyes bridge of your nose and covering both ears....covering the ears seems to be important ..I don't know why but it is very soothing. If you can listen to some gentle music or nature sound tapes ( rain or gentle ocean is good)...if you are anxious and jittery just try to get through 5 minutes...even 5 minutes helps. Lavender epsome salts bath soaks are very soothing. If you are still afraid of the bath or shower even a warm foot bath is helpful. And good on you for going outside for a walk....My sympathy is so with you ..you are in the thick of it. Are you ok with taking tylenol for sinus pressure?...I have used tylenol throughout from time to time without problems. .The hypochondria is a hell unto itself,  but you will reach a point where it comes and goes. Please resist the temptation to google your s/x that is like throwing fuel on a fire..it will triple your hypochondria. ...If your appetite is gone make a nutrition packed smoothie and sip it a sip at a time I make one with mango,  Greek yogurt,  carrot juice,  and coconut water. When you feel better add some blueberries and spinach to it and a little honey. Try to go organic on all that you can Costco has a very good inventory of frozen organics which is great if your appetite is gone as your food wont go bad waiting to be used. ....hold on to us Whoot...we are all here for you...

...wishing peace to you....love to you Whoot.....coop

[[wh...]]

Hey Life can I ask you a question about your intrusive thoughts.

Mine are so bad right now at 8 weeks off benzos.

I keep thinking I'm just going to stop breathing.  My nose is plugged and it's all I can think about.  It's horrible

Did you have thoughts like this?  Please help.  I need to know this is wd and it will pass. :'(

[[am...]]

Hi Whoot - it is for SURE withdrawal cause I had it too! I turned a good corner in month 5 and lost most of that. Hang in there, you will lose it too. Hopefully sooner than later.

[[wh...]]

thanks ama

don't know how to get through another day. Aggghhh.....what did you do? what were some of your worries?

[[li...]]

Ok for me this is a big post. This is my pre- coming out party of a pre-succes store.

 

The purpose of me writing "the making of a Success Story" is that I am pretty sure that I will not write a Success Story until I feel like I do now for at least two months. If we can start a trend on this thread ( since 6-12 months many will heal) of writing what we are feeling day by day as we enter the total healing process -- maybe we can shed light on how people heal and help researchers and others alike on seeing how healing occurs.

 

Write now the biggest sign is that I am back and being able to deal with stress. It does not automatically throw me in a tailspin when I endure high degrees of stress. I can feel stress and then go meditate or exercise and feel better. That tells me I am healing. The brain succeeds and its ike walking for the brain -- you walk and fall down as a baby and then one day you are just walking albeit wobbly -- you are still walking. That is where I am. I believe that the healing process is cognitive ( you must do your part) as well as biological ( your nerves are healing).

 

my symptoms of before no longer with me

 

anxiety uncontrollable  levels 8-10. (Gone)

anxiety now a 5 or less and manageable (still have it)

Panic attacks (Gone)

intrusive thoughts once my main issue(Gone)

Paranoia a huge issue for me (Gone)

Muscle stiffness (Gone)

Social Phobia ( Gone)

Envious of others (Gone)

Feeling like I will never heal (Gone)

Depression (Gone this week and monitoring)

Restlessness level 8-10 (Gone)

Restlessness level 5 or less (Still have it)

obsessive thinking level 8-10 (gone)

Obsessive thinking level 5 or less (Almost gone. intermittent)

Feeling I will never be myself ( gone)

pessimism (gone)

shortness of breath and other physical symptoms (gone)

Feeling defective (gone)

oversensitivity to noises ( gone)

Afraid of social activities ( gone)

Feelings of inadequacy (Gone)

 

Main Issue

 

More a cognitive issue with some biological healing no doubt. Getting my life back together in a way that I have structure and start being productive. This was the worts torture for me as I thought I would never be able to work and do things I used to do . NOw I am certain that I will and that in and of itself is a miracle that I am thankful to God for. Basically I was disables and I knew it and that put my self esteem into the pits. I now have a sense of optimism and hope I did not have in 9 months. That being said I have to start over building structure and to start making an good income again.

 

 

 

There are many other reasons why I feel that I am getting close to the end of this most tough journey and onto a new path of living life to the fullest. In this stage of pre-success I am thinking I will have some ups and downs and the rides I have been taking lately have been manageable. Baseline is now becoming a positive default rather than a negative default. That is that I am having more functional windows rather than dysfunctional waves. If I were to rate how I am feeling that would be about 80%. Once you get to the 70% or above you simply can deal with the issues at hand as they are manageable. Its like running a marathon and now you are going down a mountain to the other side where trees grow tall and optimism and love abound. Yes I am seeing the end of this journey off the benzo marygoround and I am definitely on the path of hope and optimism.

 

It's strange how healing occurs. My addiction specialist says that one day you just enter a window and it never shuts. I'm not sure that I have arrived there yet but my brain every day that it has this secure feeling, it just moves one day closer to the fact that I am healing. I cant wait until I can definitely write I am 100% healed. I can tell you that things get manageable at some point for all of us and we then can live with getting better and arriving at the 100% healed level. We are all healing. That is a fact!

 

life

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[li...]]

Whoot,

 

My thoughts were so sever in December and early January that I slapped my head so many times a day praying they would end.  I was googling Schizophrenic  ( I never heard anything but had intrusive thoughts about so many things) as I was convinced that this was all impossible to think it was w/d 3 months out. It was! I had so many thoughts I could not even tell you. It was constant fear. I knew it was all irrational but I could not stop it. I am so glad that you are here on this thread. Whoot as we know you are just going through w/d. That is a fact. Now I am starting to sound like the people that wrote me so many months ago -- Whoot time is what heals. I pray sooner than later for you.

 

LIfe

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop that made me cry. I'm so scared and I'm sitting here alone.  I'll be strong .....

God I wish none of us had to go through this...it truly is a nightmare. I can't believe it's real......but it is.

You have been so kind to me.  I love you for that. 

I know some things are better so I will look at that as a win.  I used to tremble all day and that is mostly gone; I cried a lot and that is better; sleep still not good; dreams better tho......

 

I have so much to live for ..... we all do. 

at least I've found out how amazing people can be. Even through your own suffering you reach out to help. 

I try to distract but somedays I can't. 

I'll try your suggestions and just take it one second at a time.

I hope to be here offering support instead of begging for your help and understanding.  Thank you I'm not really alone.

[[fl...]]

Wow, Life, that is AMAZING!!  Thanks for shining the light for us all!!

 

Hi, P! (Ama).  How are you feeling these days?  Didn't you start a job recently?  I wish you nothing but the best. 

 

And, Whoot, you are going to make it.  I remember well being where you were.  It feels like such a nightmare.  But it does get better.  We promise.

[[Co...]]

Whoot...you Are strong..you have come through 7 weeks..you are half way if not more through the worst part of w/d. Don't try to be strong..just be..just get through the day any way you can for right now...crying helps...it releases some of the anxiety. I was tortured with intrusive thoughts in acute...now at 7.5 months I only get them randomly and there were months after acute that I rarely had them. ....Do you have anyone face to face for support?...I think you mentioned your husband?...It is huge to have face to face support. Our friends and family can not possibly understand what we are going through unless they have gone through it themselves,  but having that person who cares is such a plus. In turn they need support and care too.

.....Whoot,  month 4 was one of my better months...actually 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 was pivotal for me. Things were still hard,  but not as hard and I had better tolerance in month 3-4 ...and some sunbreaks and windows by then. ...

.......keep " begging " for support here. We were all begging for support and and reassurance in acute...what happens in acute stays in acute....every single one of us has been there.

........have one focus...get through this day in whatever manner .you can...there are no points for style in w/d...

 

.....fl the best you can to take good care of yourself...

[[wh...]]

Thanks guys.  well I didn't stop breathing....phew....what a stupid thought.  It's so hard to just do normal things because my anxiety is so high.  Last night for a bit I felt happy..  I had some happy memories.  it was so nice.

Feel like I'm just going through the motions though.  OMG it's so hard and scary.

I talk to people; my kids my guy and I'm either jealous because they are out there living or get scared because I realize how bad I've become.  I just want so desperately to feel normal again. 

I thought I was being good never raising the dose when I was on the benzos but in retrospect I see that I was in withdrawal/tolerance for a long time.  I just kept plugging away.  3 years just holding on....

then I started to feel better. My anxiety was more manageable; I was taking supplements from the road back but I see that one main ingredient is l-glutamine and that might be just pumping more glutamate into my system.  I stopped taking that now. probably was placebo effect. 

I wanted to get off to stop the cycle so I decided to taper on my own and get off them completely.  Here I am.

 

[[Co...]]

Life...I am doing a happy happy dance for you!...I love your post.  Yes.,  I think the stage of healing following acute is all about learning how to live again.  How to pace ourselves in a window, how to manage stress with still exposed sensitivity,  trusting progress,  structuring time and routines,  practicing social skills that in previous lives we didn't have to think twice about,  but now following acute we are learning all over again. Maybe the second year of recovery is all about living in the world again.

....I definitely feel that I have endured a mental health trauma ..starting with tolerance to ativan...through taper...through p/w and I know it is going to take me a year of post recovery to learn how to function in the world again. I don't think I will be the person I used to be...nobody could go through benzo w/d and be who they used to be..I think I will be a better person.

.......Life...it is such a privilage and inspiration to follow your healing. Thank you for sharing your self with us...you have been immensely helpful to me...

.....The thing I love about this thread aside from all the compassion and support is the fact that we are able to see day by day our own progress and that of others as we close in on one year. It is not the far away telescope view of months and months away that we start with in taper. Neither is it the 18-24 month long rear view mirror vision of success stories. ...It is invaluable to me to have support and understanding of those who are struggling right where I am in real time..

......Life...you and everyone on this thread kept me from giving up in month 6....When I get to write a success story it will be because of this thread and the people on it...coop

[[je...]]

Thank you everyone for your support! Nova-- I have had the exact same experience getting my hair trimmed, now I haven't gone in quite a while-- that place is a trigger of some sort for me. I think it has to do with the feeling of being trapped in a chair and someone with a sharp object ha ha! I have a lot of anxiety today, but I have held it together all day and have been able to keep pushing through. Once again as life has said its hard to know what's me and what's w/d-- I have always been an anxious person. I hope everyone is good today    jenny

[[Co...]]

Whoot,  irrational fear is very common...maybe the most common s/x of w/d...I was terrified that I was having a stroke. I never had a stroke. It is a great sign that you had some moments of relief and happy thoughts. You are going to be all over the map with emotions through acute...Do your best to tell yourself it is benzo w/d ...not you...and not real.

.....its going to be ok Whoot......coop

[[be...]]

Life...I am doing a happy happy dance for you!...I love your post.  Yes.,  I think the stage of healing following acute is all about learning how to live again.  How to pace ourselves in a window, how to manage stress with still exposed sensitivity,  trusting progress,  structuring time and routines,  practicing social skills that in previous lives we didn't have to think twice about,  but now following acute we are learning all over again. Maybe the second year of recovery is all about living in the world again.

....I definitely feel that I have endured a mental health trauma ..starting with tolerance to ativan...through taper...through p/w and I know it is going to take me a year of post recovery to learn how to function in the world again. I don't think I will be the person I used to be...nobody could go through benzo w/d and be who they used to be..I think I will be a better person.

.......Life...it is such a privilage and inspiration to follow your healing. Thank you for sharing your self with us...you

 

have been immensely helpful to me...

 

 

Hey coop, I also felt like I had mental health trauma since acute, last month I turned the corner and no longer feel like my brain is traumatized. I just knew I would feel it for many yrs., thats how quickly we can turn the corner.

I even had a certain smell in my nose coming from my over stimulated injured brain. I am so happy this is gone because I really feared I had a permanent head trauma.

You are a true inspiration to so many people coop and we appreciate you very much.

 

Love to all and much healing. We are doing it!!!!  Hugs

.....The thing I love about this thread aside from all the compassion and support is the fact that we are able to see day by day our own progress and that of others as we close in on one year. It is not the far away telescope view of months and months away that we start with in taper. Neither is it the 18-24 month long rear view mirror vision of success stories. ...It is invaluable to me to have support and understanding of those who are struggling right where I am in real time..

......Life...you and everyone on this thread kept me from giving up in month 6....When I get to write a success story it will be because of this thread and the people on it...coop

[[No...]]

Hi - almost 1:00AM again after a couple of hours sleep ... really tough to "engage" ... just reading and thinking about each of you ... I tend to curl in on myself ... and just watch things go by ... I am okay ... doing a lot of weathering ... so glad you are all here ... and to think I did 26 months of taper and 4 months of recovery alone ... don't feel alone anymore ...

 

Take Care.

[[Co...]]

Buelah...hi ....so glad to hear that you have turned a corner and are doing so much better. I remember this winter when things were really hard.  ...it is so great to see people I started out with coming around the home stretch.

....thank you for your kind words...everyone on this thread is so kind and supportive......Buelah,  I hope your healing just keeps on going....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...you are certainly not alone. Sorry you are " weathering ",  Me too...a better baseline today but still no sass . Less head pressure today so I am happy happy as that one had me on my knees begging for mercy.  ..Nova...wishing you sleep for this night. ..and a better day tomorrow. ...coop

[[He...]]

Life,

The "Pre-Success Stage"!  I love this....it is exactly where I am, and have been for a while.  It doesn't matter that I have had more waves pop up lately, I am STILL in the pre-success stage.  Complete success is right around the corner!  I seriously LOVE this!!

 

Nova,

You are definitely not alone and we are all wishing for you nothing but the best.  It will come.

 

Whoot,

Can you go out and walk?  I believe that there is so much healing that happens on walks.  It certainly helped me during my horrid times, and it still helps me.  I completely understand about your fear.  I had it too, but it really does go away.  You just have to get through it as best you can.  (((hugs)))

 

To all the rest of this amazing community we have formed  ,

I am praying for you tonight.  I hope you have a restful night tonight and a wonderful day tomorrow.  Don't forget the power in a walk if you are symptomatic.  I was feeling quite blue this morning, with some anxiety stirring just below the surface, but I MADE myself get out for a walk and within 30 minutes I had a 180 degree turn around.  Going for a walk really is an amazing thing! 

[[He...]]

My pre-success story as of 6/20/14 

 

My ability to deal with stress, even major, BIG deal stress, has greatly increased.  I am finding that more and more I am having normal reactions to things, no longer the over-the-top benzo reactions.  I am also trusting my abilities to deal with stress.  I know longer fear that I will completely "lose it" and have a total break down if, or when, something bad happens.  I believe in myself and my strength much more than I have for a long while.  This doesn't mean that I feel 100% confident all the time, but it is soooo much better than it was.

 

I am able to sleep!  There was a period of time that my insomnia was terrible.  I can crawl into my bed, read a bit, and drift peacefully off into sleep.  And guess what?? For the past 2 weeks I haven't jolted awake at 4:00 am!    I can even take a nap in the middle of the day and wake up refreshed. 

 

When my anxiety is bothering me it is maybe a 3 or 4 now, rather than the 8 or 9 it used to be.  It comes and goes, but with less intensity and regularity than before.  I no longer feel that irrational fear that used to consume me.

 

A newer symptom has been depression, but this is lessening as well.  It is easily controlled with going out for a walk, as is my anxiety. 

 

I can eat whatever I want and no longer have to avoid sugar like the plague.  I can eat it and it doesn't trigger a wave.  I still haven't tried caffeine or alcohol, so I don't know about those.  I am quite happy drinking my decaf, skinny latte and don't miss the caffeine.  I really don't have a desire to drink alcohol either because when I was still on benzos, especially in the last 2 years of being on them, I would get very sick after drinking even moderate amounts.

 

Life is becoming better and better! 

[[Sk...]]

Hi,

 

I am back from... a wave, a bad one that had me pretty much confined in bed.

 

I am glad to  be back it scares me so much to be away from the forum because then I am truly alone form people that can understand what I am going through.

 

I am going through stronger paranoia than usual and I hate to hurt the ones I love that have stuck with me through all this.

 

Once, I recognized what was happening and was able to stop it but mostly I pick fights. I have this cloud over my head in the evening but in the morning it disappears.

 

This too shall pass, I guess.

 

Great to be back.

[[am...]]

thanks ama

don't know how to get through another day. Aggghhh.....what did you do? what were some of your worries?

 

Distraction worked pretty good for me. I constantly reassured myself that the craziness going on in my head wasn't anything that was caused by my thoughts or actions and to just ignore it and let myself heal. I really didn't have crazy fear, just a general unwell and edgy feeling that comes from our CNS being overly stimulated for no reason. Of course I had the "never going to heal" worries like everyone else, but ya just gotta push past those completely unnatural thoughts. Positive thinking helps immensely too I believe. I am a pretty positive person and I know that I am going to heal from this poisoning and I am about 3/4's of the way there. Think positive. I know you feel like you are being tortured, but think of good days ahead and you are going to have a new found love of life when you finish this journey. I know it sounds corny, but it really is true !   

[[...]]

Hi all, I am an old timer in this group, but unfortunately, I am not much better as far as recovery is concerned. After 12 months, my two main sx are insomnia and fear. In fact,I feel they are getting worse. I haven't had a good sleep for a while. Every time I closed my eyes,the fear just overcame me with surges in my head and woke me up. I got 1.5 hours sleep last night. It seems my body is giving up on sleep. I tried  antihistamine but there was no effect on me. Living a normal life again seems so distant. I feel like giving up. How can I go on with no sleep day in day out ?

 

Some insight and encouragement would be appreciated.

 

Ed C

[[li...]]

Hi Healing and all,

 

I saw a movie yesterday. I think it said something like this... "We are all on a roller coaster  to the sky". We may go up and down put we are all on an upward trajectory.

 

life

[[No...]]

Ed C ... I am not as far along as you ... I have been living with sleep issues for a long time ... I sleep is small bits ... 2 hours, 1 hour,  1 1/2 hours, 4 hours, etc ... I never know what it will be ... I cannot figure out why this is going on ... I take nothing for it ... I sleep when I "feel" I need to ... I have no idea why my body is in this pattern other than it is a part of my recovery ... I just sleep when I can except Monday thru Friday from 11 AM to 5 PM when I do my part-time job from home ...

 

I do not have the sense this is harming me in any way ... it has been going on about two years now I suppose ... started in taper and continues ... for me I often experience the "vibrations" just before sleep and I can be "jolted" awake with the "explosions" ... not constantly, just very often ... I used to experience a lot of fear around the "vibrations" ... now I seem to just shrug, they don't seem to harm me, just annoying and boring ...

 

Hang on my friend, you have come a long way ... many others have experienced the "sleep thing" ... I hear them saying it is part of recovery and will pass in time .... I believe ours will too ...

 

Take Care.

[[No...]]

Folks ... I no longer feel "alone" since connecting with BB ... I just spent a very long time up to last April "doing" this alone ... has helped tremendously being here ...

 

Thank you and Take Care.