6-12 month thread....

[[Ni...]]

Saraa-  do you have good support at home?  I'm in the same boat as you can't believe I felt so well just a few months back.  Things do seem hopeless like you don't have the will to battle this monster one more time, but we must continue to fight.

[[Sa...]]

Niners,

 

I have all the support one could ask for at home but i feel like i am going insane.  Support can't do much when i feel like running out into the street screaming someone help me

[[Ni...]]

Saraa,I totally get it having same paranoia at night.  Hope I didn't really mess things up with adding 4 days ago  gabapentin at this stage as I don't see any improvements and actually feel that my back is in worse pain then before. may have to try and stop taking it although I'm so sensitive to drugs that I may already built tolerance.

[[Sa...]]

Niners,

 

I am also sensitive to put it politely to medicine.

My symptoms are during the day, the calm down or used to calm down as the day progressed. 

But this insanity is just spirling out of control

 

This is just like acute , the first 2 weeks that i was off, this is how i was.  Worse maybe as now i have the intense burning of my stomach lining added.  Plus just being so tired of this journey is what is making it worse than in acute.

 

I really don't want to live anymore,  but i am too chicken to end it.  I also don't want to leave my son with a bad life long trauma of having lost a mother to insanity

 

I don't know where to go.  Just to calm down.  To get my mind in order,  or just be sick like regular sick folk.  Like when in long past when one would just stay in bed and be sick and then recover after few days instead of panic and insanity. 

People think insane people are those that say wierd things or do abnormal things.  NO.  people can be intelligent and fully aware of everything going on around them and be insane like me , right now.

 

I am sorry if i have nothing positive to say.  A while back i would read and read the threads for something positive and when i wold find it , it would make my day and i would have a window because of it.  Now, nothing makes a difference anymore.  Nothing anyone can say or write makes a difference. 

 

I somehow believe you are far better than i am and believe you will pull through this nightmare.  Stay strong.  Its all going to pass

[[Ni...]]

We will make It through this somehow..  My endurance on this journey is wearing out and I can't seem to fight these thoughts, yes insanity is what it feels like yet we look so put together .  Just hope and pray we get past this it's so dark and frightening.  Nights are the worst for me.  Trying to keep my chin up but boy this is a huge struggle.  I too have kids my youngest is 14 and she so needs her mom as a freshmen. 

[[St...]]

Saraa i can so relate to everything you're saying and all the symptoms you're experiencing, i used to also experience my symptoms lessening during the day but for the last month i have just been back in what feels like acute and i'm 12 months off.

 

When i'm this bad i literally just have to go full on hippy with my thinking and just fully accept things the way they are, because non acceptance of how things are just leads to more suffering.

 

These are some of the phrases/mantras that i find helpful...

 

"allow this moment to be enough just as it is, don't push don't pull, just allow everything to be as it is"

"every day i am healing in every way"

"i trust in my mind and body's ability to heal itself"

"drop the rope, you can not fight this"

 

I also find just aiming to get through these days one minute at a time helps, and not expecting anything more from myself than that. I also congratulate myself for just getting through days like these.

 

I also find adopting Parker's mindset that when you're in a wave you're healing, if that's the case damn we must be healing a lot right now!

 

Cut yourself a lot of slack, and remember your only job is to get through this, nothing else. You are not insane, what you're experiencing is PHYSICAL there is a chemical imbalance in your brain right now, and your logical mind is rightly freaking out because things just aren't as they should be, but they will be!

 

"if you're going through hell, the best thing to do is to keep going"

 

Niners,

 

I am also sensitive to put it politely to medicine.

My symptoms are during the day, the calm down or used to calm down as the day progressed. 

But this insanity is just spirling out of control

 

This is just like acute , the first 2 weeks that i was off, this is how i was.  Worse maybe as now i have the intense burning of my stomach lining added.  Plus just being so tired of this journey is what is making it worse than in acute.

 

I really don't want to live anymore,  but i am too chicken to end it.  I also don't want to leave my son with a bad life long trauma of having lost a mother to insanity

 

I don't know where to go.  Just to calm down.  To get my mind in order,  or just be sick like regular sick folk.  Like when in long past when one would just stay in bed and be sick and then recover after few days instead of panic and insanity. 

People think insane people are those that say wierd things or do abnormal things.  NO.  people can be intelligent and fully aware of everything going on around them and be insane like me , right now.

 

I am sorry if i have nothing positive to say.  A while back i would read and read the threads for something positive and when i wold find it , it would make my day and i would have a window because of it.  Now, nothing makes a difference anymore.  Nothing anyone can say or write makes a difference. 

 

I somehow believe you are far better than i am and believe you will pull through this nightmare.  Stay strong.  Its all going to pass

[[...]]

Saraa i can so relate to everything you're saying and all the symptoms you're experiencing, i used to also experience my symptoms lessening during the day but for the last month i have just been back in what feels like acute and i'm 12 months off.

 

When i'm this bad i literally just have to go full on hippy with my thinking and just fully accept things the way they are, because non acceptance of how things are just leads to more suffering.

 

These are some of the phrases/mantras that i find helpful...

 

"allow this moment to be enough just as it is, don't push don't pull, just allow everything to be as it is"

"every day i am healing in every way"

"i trust in my mind and body's ability to heal itself"

"drop the rope, you can not fight this"

 

I also find just aiming to get through these days one minute at a time helps, and not expecting anything more from myself than that. I also congratulate myself for just getting through days like these.

 

I also find adopting Parker's mindset that when you're in a wave you're healing, if that's the case damn we must be healing a lot right now!

 

Cut yourself a lot of slack, and remember your only job is to get through this, nothing else. You are not insane, what you're experiencing is PHYSICAL there is a chemical imbalance in your brain right now, and your logical mind is rightly freaking out because things just aren't as they should be, but they will be!

 

"if you're going through hell, the best thing to do is to keep going"

 

Niners,

 

I am also sensitive to put it politely to medicine.

My symptoms are during the day, the calm down or used to calm down as the day progressed. 

But this insanity is just spirling out of control

 

This is just like acute , the first 2 weeks that i was off, this is how i was.  Worse maybe as now i have the intense burning of my stomach lining added.  Plus just being so tired of this journey is what is making it worse than in acute.

 

I really don't want to live anymore,  but i am too chicken to end it.  I also don't want to leave my son with a bad life long trauma of having lost a mother to insanity

 

I don't know where to go.  Just to calm down.  To get my mind in order,  or just be sick like regular sick folk.  Like when in long past when one would just stay in bed and be sick and then recover after few days instead of panic and insanity. 

People think insane people are those that say wierd things or do abnormal things.  NO.  people can be intelligent and fully aware of everything going on around them and be insane like me , right now.

 

I am sorry if i have nothing positive to say.  A while back i would read and read the threads for something positive and when i wold find it , it would make my day and i would have a window because of it.  Now, nothing makes a difference anymore.  Nothing anyone can say or write makes a difference. 

 

I somehow believe you are far better than i am and believe you will pull through this nightmare.  Stay strong.  Its all going to pass

 

Nicely put I enjoyed reading your post hope you get better really soon have you seen a lot of improvement since your one year mark?

[[Sa...]]

An update.

As you can read on blog and my posts here, i almost gave up in a horrible wave 2 days ago.

Begged people here on BBs to help as what to do in my severe panic, hyperventilation, pacing.

I knew i was going mad and i could only see myself suited for an assylum somewhere.

I knocked on my friends door at 4 am and had him sit with me and do belly breathing and watch me for 4 hours pace his hallway.

 

I finally did decide to start an antidepressant Nortriptyline 10mg once capsule which is the lowest dosage.

This AD happend to be the only AD that has agreed with me in the past. I cannot tolerate the new class SSRI's as they are more uppers but the nortriptyline and amitriptyline are the oldest class and tricyclics class of antidepressant and not the neww SSRI's.  The tricyclics have a sedating quality.

 

I was agoninzing in midst of my agony with the thought of starting a medicine of any kind but here is what brought me to that decision.

 

1. I also read someone elses post that having to take antidepressants this far out was the best decision they made and that it had worked in

    one day for them. ( i thought surely this is not the case as ADs take several weeks to have an effect)

2. I had tried this medication several times in my life and knew they agree with me as they are sedating and not the new SSRI's that would

    always enduce panic in me even when i didn't have panic.

3. A Cousin who is a Psychiatrist and a friend who is a Neurologists both also would take them for sleep and just a baseline of normalcy.

    This conversation with them was about 10-15 years ago but i always remembered that they had shared that with me and I took note.

4. Most of all , the fact that i could no longer tolerate the worse than acute at almost 10months and i just did not want to live anymore. 

 

All these reasons were my reasoning for having started. 

As far as the post i read that a buddy felt it worked for him in one day, well same happend to me.  Now, whether a placibo effect or one of the only good things that comes from our body's change due to

withdrawal i don't know.  All i know is that within 24 hours i am as normal as can be and it is all gone. 

 

This might sound like an advertisement for Ad's but trust me this comes from someone that doesn't believe in them and I think we are better and healthier without any drug of any kind including Advils and tylenols and a lot of supplements but i felt i should share my ups and down, my successes and failiure at this far out.  I thinks its important that we know we are not alone and it is ok to have help and it is not a failiure but the many different ways people travel this road.

 

I hope everyone here is having a better day today.

[[Sa...]]

I found this on the web

 

1. There is a purpose to my pain.

 

2. Setbacks don’t define me. They nudge me into new awareness.

 

3. When I clean up my thoughts, I clean up my life.

 

4. Fear is just an invitation for love.

 

5. What feels like the end is often a new beginning.

 

6. You don’t have to compromise your beliefs to be compassionate.

 

7. Instead of focusing on the anger, focus on healing the pain.

 

These mantras are adapted from my new book, Adventures for Your Soul

[[Sa...]]

I hope everyone here is going to have the best saturday yet of their journey.

I am optimistic.

[[MT...]]

I was in a workshop yesterday and the presenter had these questions to help us access our resilience. I thought BB might find them useful:

 

When was a time in your life that was a great challenge but no longer holds a lot of intensity?

 

What part of that experience was the most uncomfortable?

 

What was your self-talk like at the time? What were you saying to yourself? Believing about yourself? (Notice your breathing as you reflect on this)

 

What are the qualities that you possess that helped you get through that time?

 

What external factors helped you get through it?

 

What useful or positive things did you learn about yourself or life coming through that experience?

 

How was at least one person impacted positively by your coming through that experience?

 

Imagine you're creating a merit badge (like for boy scouts) or a sash that represents the experience that you came through. What would it look like?

 

If it were a soundtrack, what would it sound like? Songs?

 

What do these answers indicate to you about how you'll face future/current challenges (like freaking wd)? Is it likely you'll make it through them as well?

 

What positive cognitions make sense for me now that goes along with the confidence of having come through that experience?

 

You had thousands of memories to choose from and you chose this one. How is it timely that you chose this one? What message is it bringing or reminding you of?

 

Breathe.

 

Taken from Missy Bradley-Ball, MS, NCC, BCETS, FAAETS

 

 

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

Thank you for sharing this with us.  Goodness knows we can use anything good and calming for our minds & thoughts.

You are lucky to have access to the work shop & we are lucky for having you here to share it with all.

Have an amazing Saturday

 

[[MT...]]

You too, Saraa.

[[Sa...]]

10 month anniversay off of K yesterday

I hope all are doing better here today

Saraa

[[MT...]]

Good job making it to 10 months, Saraa. I try to rejoice at making this far since for most every day of this adventure it's felt like I couldn't make it another few hours, let alone days, months, and more often now I'm thinking years. One freaking day at a time. I hope windows are blasting open for all of us soon.

[[...]]

Anyone still having trouble walking at nine and a half months it's scary on top of that my left side is weak my left leg drag some

[[Sa...]]

MTfan,

 

Thank you. 

One day at a time

Wish you a good at least a Turkey size window on Thanks Giving.

We will come through

 

[[Sa...]]

I am trying to figure out how to make a turkey dinner magically appear on my table just to say to the only 2 people in my life that i can provide them a home feeling.

Without me they wont have that.

So abracadabra, open sessme or just please God help me get to it

I think i can, i think i can, i think i can

Look, I can 😃🙏🏻🍼😩🏇👵🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[[MT...]]

Saraa, how did it go with your meal? I hope it went well. I use the "I think I can, I think I can" chant to get through stuff too. It's the answer back to the silly voice in my head that's constantly saying, "I can't..." It almost always feels that way--that I don't possibly feel well enough or have the energy to do what tasks face me in the day but somehow I almost always get through them. I look forward to when life doesn't feel like something I'm just enduring. I want to enjoy it and to rock it!

[[Sa...]]

Not so well this year but try and try again n hopefully next year it'll happen

I am going to take a break from BBs for a few days so i can get something done

Its become my life n i have to do other stuff otherwise all hell will break loose

Wish you will have a better tomorrow

Saraa

[[Sa...]]

Just a quick post wishing everybody is doing well here & to say i am out of horrid wave that i experienced in my 10th month.

BUT

Now i am so well that i can't fathom how it was even possible for me to be in that hell and then suddenly gone, i remember the exact time that it simply went. Gone.

Please hang in there, i know its a meaningless phrase when its so bad at that particular time.  BUT I SWEAT IT PASSES & SO SUDDENLY

Keep going.

Lots of luv to my fellow travelers

 

P.S Please Make a definitive effort to keep away from stress (people, issues & if you can't be aware of it and talk it out with either friends family or counselors)

[[re...]]

Just a quick post wishing everybody is doing well here & to say i am out of horrid wave that i experienced in my 10th month.

BUT

Now i am so well that i can't fathom how it was even possible for me to be in that hell and then suddenly gone, i remember the exact time that it simply went. Gone.

Please hang in there, i know its a meaningless phrase when its so bad at that particular time.  BUT I SWEAT IT PASSES & SO SUDDENLY

Keep going.

Lots of luv to my fellow travelers

 

P.S Please Make a definitive effort to keep away from stress (people, issues & if you can't be aware of it and talk it out with either friends family or counselors)

Saraa,

Isn't it a bit of a shock to go from the debilitation and exhaustion of a wave, into window?

 

I recently passed out  from the euphoria brought on from the rapid change. 

 

Enjoy the relief and content the windows bring.

 

red

 

 

 

[[Sa...]]

red,

 

The whole thing is too much!  I am sorry you passed out,  I have many times layed down in fear of it or quickly had to bring my blood sugar levels up somehow to avoid it. 

For me now is a very fast pace changing of the face of this recovery.  One day i can breath and one day not.  One day hope and another hopeless.  But I only see this as something good.  That finally when we are about to get out of this thing perhaps the distances of ups and downs the peaks and valleys become much shorter until they level out in some fashion.  A base line of sorts that makes it at least a little more predictable so we can finally implement routines and reginments around it.

Hope you are better today an onwards

Saraa

[[re...]]

red,

 

The whole thing is too much!  I am sorry you passed out,  I have many times layed down in fear of it or quickly had to bring my blood sugar levels up somehow to avoid it. 

For me now is a very fast pace changing of the face of this recovery.  One day i can breath and one day not.  One day hope and another hopeless.  But I only see this as something good.  That finally when we are about to get out of this thing perhaps the distances of ups and downs the peaks and valleys become much shorter until they level out in some fashion.  A base line of sorts that makes it at least a little more predictable so we can finally implement routines and reginments around it.

Hope you are better today an onwards

Saraa

  I'm having the rapid up and down cycle ,being fully functional, to right back in the chair.,(not the bed)

  Have a couple good hrs then a couple bad hrs all day, then the same through the night.

  I've moved on from "groundhog day" to "wash,rinse,spin and dry"

 

red

 

[[Sa...]]

Even in a bad state, i noticed that distraction is the fundemental ingredient in turning things around a bit.  I know at times its almost impossible but,

Little steps, lets do it.