6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

The tone continues to be positive on this thread.  There are a lot of ups with the downs. I'm sitting in limbo, not so bad and not so good. I do recognize this as being much better than I was a year ago. A year ago I was on 3 psych drugs, including klonopin. All of them were perscribred after a short and disastrous stint on Xanax. My mind was totally Swiss cheese. I couldn't remember my phone number. I had no idea about benzos and what they were doing. Now I'm drug free!! And seeing slow improvements. I can remember my phone number and address! No windows yet, but definitely a reduction in the intensity of most symptoms most of the time.

 

HealingHope-" Staying home is really bad for my healing, I do MUCH better being busy, active, and social." I think this is true for me too. I'm about to put it to a major test. I'm heading out on a three week road trip with my family. We'll visit friends and family in four states before heading home. I'm bringing lots of ear plugs for me and lollipops for my boys, hoping it will help control the noise on our many car rides. And away we go....

[[Gr...]]

The tone continues to be positive on this thread.  There are a lot of ups with the downs. I'm sitting in limbo, not so bad and not so good. I do recognize this as being much better than I was a year ago. A year ago I was on 3 psych drugs, including klonopin. All of them were perscribred after a short and disastrous stint on Xanax. My mind was totally Swiss cheese. I couldn't remember my phone number. I had no idea about benzos and what they were doing. Now I'm drug free!! And seeing slow improvements. I can remember my phone number and address! No windows yet, but definitely a reduction in the intensity of most symptoms most of the time.

 

HealingHope-" Staying home is really bad for my healing, I do MUCH better being busy, active, and social." I think this is true for me too. I'm about to put it to a major test. I'm heading out on a three week road trip with my family. We'll visit friends and family in four states before heading home. I'm bringing lots of ear plugs for me and lollipops for my boys, hoping it will help control the noise on our many car rides. And away we go....

 

Peace, way to go, girl!!  Have a wonderful time.  When this trip is finished, you'll have close to an extra month of healing under your belt.  The name of the healing game is time.  Our mission is to spend that time as best we possibly can. 

[[Co...]]

" The name of the healing game is time...our mission is to spend that time as best we can " ......my new mantra.....this is perfect Green.....

......I havew positives to chime in with, but on my way to PT....note to follow......

.Wishing all a happy day with sunbreaks and windows....love to all......coop

[[wh...]]

Hi guys

today is rough.  Feel nothing. or maybe too much; not sure.  Just can't seem to feel excited about anything.

Not hungry; not sleeping; nothing.....is this withdrawal?

I think I've asked this before but I just need reassurance.  It's all I think about; talk about. I know distraction is the key but it's not working today.

[[pe...]]

Whootwhoot- I've totally felt that before. I still do in lighter shades. I'm waiting for this to vaporize into nothing. But it's getting better. Time is truly the best healer. Cleaning helps me stay grounded when my symptoms are too bad for me to concentrate on distractions. Doing the dishes, cleaning the tub. One task done slowly and that involves water.

 

 

[[pe...]]

Thanks, Greenice!

Your message is the encouragement I needed to hear. You are getting pretty good at hitting home runs for me. 

 

Ok, it's car time.

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot, ....what you are experiencing really is w/d and its going to be ok ....You are smack dab in the middle of acute. It is a scary s/x,  but it will go away as you go further. It is ok to ask the same thing over and over, that is what BB is for. When I was in acute I lived on BBs...it was the only thing that got me through acute. Like Peace,  cleaning helped me through ( I had the cleanest house on the block). I found folding the laundry really soothing. Washing dishes was also soothing. Anything that is busy. I couldn't concentrate on anything so mindless repetitive tasks became my distractions for a few months.

....I am at 7.5 months off now and I still have mild d/r d/p from time to time,  but not at all like what it was during acute.If you can get through month 4 you will be well on your way. A few more weeks.  Many BBs experience some sunbreaks and windows even in acute. I am not saying its a picnic after month 4,  but for many,  things become more tolerable after acute.

.....You are going to be ok and make it through,  but everything about acute will try to convince you otherwise.....don't believe it.

.....We are all here for you Whoot,  ....post as much as you need to..we will help you every step of the way....coop

[[Gr...]]

Life, I am so happy to hear that you are in a wonderful window!!  I pray that it stays open for you. 

 

For everyone who is dealing with those darn intrusive thoughts of dying, I had them very badly too...and they go away.  I was convinced that I was going to drop down dead from a stroke or heart attack constantly.  I would be up teaching and in the back of my head was this constant voice of "this is it...you are going to keel over any minute, right in front of your class."  It is an awful symptom, but that is ALL it is....a symptom.  And it is one that goes away.  Even in the midst of my recent waves, I didn't feel the need to check my pulse on the side of my neck.  Hang in there.  It gets better!

 

I'm doing much better, with just a bit of anxiety and depression hanging around in the distant background.  Still very up and down, but true to what Life and others were writing about last week, I am pulling myself out of this funk.  Making myself go on walks helps tremendously.  Staying home is really bad for my healing, I do MUCH better being busy, active, and social.  I took my pup out for a 3.5 mile walk this morning and am getting ready to run errands.  Feeling good and hopeful again. 

 

Yes, Hope, up and out the door.  Even if just to go to stores, errands.  Up and out. 

[[wh...]]

Thank you.  I'm a bit better.  What a rollercoaster....

You guys mean so much to me....I wouldn't know how to handle this without you.

Love and strength guys.

Hopefully a good nights sleep and some joy tomorrow for all.

[[Gr...]]

" The name of the healing game is time...our mission is to spend that time as best we can " ......my new mantra.....this is perfect Green.....

......I havew positives to chime in with, but on my way to PT....note to follow......

.Wishing all a happy day with sunbreaks and windows....love to all......coop

 

You sound good, Coop.  Are you tracking how many days you get in a window and a wave?

[[Gr...]]

Whootwhoot- I've totally felt that before. I still do in lighter shades. I'm waiting for this to vaporize into nothing. But it's getting better. Time is truly the best healer. Cleaning helps me stay grounded when my symptoms are too bad for me to concentrate on distractions. Doing the dishes, cleaning the tub. One task done slowly and that involves water.

 

 

That's funny, Peace, the only thing I have been able to do, and want to do, consistently since I jumped is wash dishes. 

 

Whoot, when I was really, really bad, and no other distraction helped, I did jigsaw puzzles.  I started with 250 pieces, and was doing 1000 in 48 hours before I put it down.  I was becoming a serious puzzler, lol.  I also read it helps with brain function, something about needing both sides of the brain to pick out shapes and colors. Forgot the reason.  You need to find something that works for you.  You're about 7 or 8 weeks out now?  So that's still a little acute, post acute.  The third month a lot of people get a little relief.  Are you able to take walks?  Drive?  I couldn't stay out that long, but I had to find a way to break up the day.  It would take me quite a while to get out the door.  I was afraid to go in the shower  This sounds bizarre, but I had just moved into this house when I jumped and I couldn't figure out how to put the hot water on.  For a very long time.  So be very patient with yourself, very gentle.  You're going through an unimaginable trauma.  No one could imagine this. 

 

You know, if one doctor went through protracted post withdrawal, there would be no more benzo scripts given like candy!

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey Everybody

 

Hope you're all well today.  When I read Whoot's posts, I'm taken back to the nightmare that was acute withdrawal.  We all forget how bad that was.  I say my waves are as bad as acute, but the reality is NOTHING that I will ever experience in this life -- unless I'm taken hostage in a third world country, and they really do torture me -- nothing can ever be as bad as acute.  I think we forget the trauma because the brain protects us - kind of like how women don't remember how painful childbirth is. 

 

I really am getting better, we all are, it's just taking a long time!  Life says the greatest healing happens in months 8-12. 

[[li...]]

Hey Everybody

 

Hope you're all well today.  When I read Whoot's posts, I'm taken back to the nightmare that was acute withdrawal.  We all forget how bad that was.  I say my waves are as bad as acute, but the reality is NOTHING that I will ever experience in this life -- unless I'm taken hostage in a third world country, and they really do torture me -- nothing can ever be as bad as acute.  I think we forget the trauma because the brain protects us - kind of like how women don't remember how painful childbirth is. 

 

I really am getting better, we all are, it's just taking a long time!  Life says the greatest healing happens in months 8-12.

 

This statement above is so true. We tend to not see how far we have come because the progress has been in many instances cruel in its snails pace. Today I had a very productive day with allot of stress and although I have some internal jitters it is really very manageable. The scariest part of this process is that we simply do not know what is us and what is w/d. I am glad to see that many of the symptoms that I have wondered about have all been w/d because as they are gone. Please understand that the brain does protect itself -- it has gone through a very traumatic experience and it needs time to heal. Be kind to your brain and give it compassion as it heals from this trauma too.

 

I sometimes get a bit anxiety when I do not know what to do in a day? Does anyone out there have this symptoms? If I do not know what the distraction will be the next hour or day I get nervous about something? Just wondering doe the lack of structure get others scared? Overall healing is steady this week and in a good window even though I have been hit with allot of stress. Every time I get hit with stress and I can handle it better it is one notch that the brain puts under its belt saying "I can handle this". Confidence builds. We are all going to make it guys and girls! we are healing!

 

life

[[Gr...]]

Yes, Life, lack of structure still messes me up.  But that's easily remedied.  I try to write myself a list of things I'd like to do for the day.  (I always have done this, even pre-benzo)  It gives me a little structure on days when I don't have any.  It's especially helpful now that I don't get up and go to a 9-5 job.  I don't always do everything on my list, never really, but I love having it and checking things off as I do them.  An item on the list can be as simple as "order pillowcases on Amazon." "Garbage out tonight."  "Wash car."

 

You're doing really great.  I'm so happy for you.  You're an inspiration.  I also think you've made up your mind to get up and get out, and you don't let the s/x get in your way anymore.  I guess that's the turning point.  I don't know this, just suspect.  Anyway, whatever you're doing, it's working.

[[He...]]

The tone continues to be positive on this thread.  There are a lot of ups with the downs. I'm sitting in limbo, not so bad and not so good. I do recognize this as being much better than I was a year ago. A year ago I was on 3 psych drugs, including klonopin. All of them were perscribred after a short and disastrous stint on Xanax. My mind was totally Swiss cheese. I couldn't remember my phone number. I had no idea about benzos and what they were doing. Now I'm drug free!! And seeing slow improvements. I can remember my phone number and address! No windows yet, but definitely a reduction in the intensity of most symptoms most of the time.

 

HealingHope-" Staying home is really bad for my healing, I do MUCH better being busy, active, and social." I think this is true for me too. I'm about to put it to a major test. I'm heading out on a three week road trip with my family. We'll visit friends and family in four states before heading home. I'm bringing lots of ear plugs for me and lollipops for my boys, hoping it will help control the noise on our many car rides. And away we go....

 

Awesome Peace!!  You are going to have a great time making positive memories with your family!!    I'll be putting mine to a major test too, when next week I will be a chaperone with the basketball team at team camp.  9 teenage girls (2 of whom are my daughters), 2 coaches (1 of whom is my hubby), 1 other female chaperone, 7 days of basketball!  It will be very fun. 

[[Co...]]

Wow!....everyone is doing so much better....lets keep it going.

...Green...glad yo hear that your 3 day wave lifted. Nova..happy to hearcthay your wave rolled out to sea. Peace...a trip..really brave...Sky...I hope you are feeling better soon...hold on..we will get you through. ...Life..yes,  structure was the only thing that got me through many days,  sometimes it was only the daily television schedule...that has been months ago except for a few benzo flu days...I think structure was where I began feeling my way through my days again.

....I am happy happy happy to say...a very good baseline with a bright sunbreak this evening...yesterday I knew I was dying ( and a big part of me didn't care). By the evening yesterday it began lifting...no jitters, no pounding anxiety,  no intrusive thoughts,  no 'inflammed ' brain feeling, hypochondria was a whisper rather than a screaming death threat.  ....AND ...it held through this day ..I am afraid to think beyond today because I know it can disappear as suddenly as it appeared. It seems as though a pattern is trying to emerge...s/x as miserable as acute in the morning and pretty much lifted by noon or one,  sometimes only for an hour or two..but same pattern repeats at least every 1-2 days. I am hanging my hopes on Life 's addiction specialist 's opinion that months 8-12 are big healing months.  I am at 7.5 months.

...My biggest s/x right now is raging health fears and bouts of d/p .,  head/ear pressure mild on again off again swaying dizziness That sounds like a lot of s/x ...and in a wave it is,  but they don't all come at the same time like they did in acute.

...I agree with Green and Life....we are all healing..and in our vision for our healed lives we have forgotten how far we have actually traveled.  ..Mercifully I my remembering of acute is a cognitive memory and not sensation memory that flames trauma memory. ...If I could even feel consistently as good as I did today ( 70%) I would be so happy with it. I believe that I could function at 75%. I would be so so thankful to be done with the head pressure. ...

.....I am so encouraged and inspired by the posts today..All of you and your posts are the 'thing '...the thing that helps me beat back the hypochondria, find hope for healing in each day and the headlights that I am following to get out of this dark cave.

  ..sending wishes for total healing ...and much gratitude to all of you.....coop

[[He...]]

Hi everyone!  It's the close of another day of healing under our belts.    It was a good day for me.  I went for a 4.5 mile walk with my dog and a good friend.  I love those walk and talks...they are good for the soul!!  I am feeling really good and strong.  I love what you said, Life, about confidence building with each time we deal with stress.  That is so true!  We are learning that we are OK.  Each success teaches us this lesson and pretty soon it will be an ingrained truth of who we are.   

GreenIce, I am so happy to hear you are recognizing how much healing you have done.  I think that is so important and validating to this incredibly slow process.

 

Love to you all!   

[[No...]]

For me. 2 AM Thursday ... things starting ramping up again late yesterday morning and kept growing until they peaked out about 7 PM last night ... took a long time to peak, just relentless ... collapsed in my chair and dozed off and on for 3 hours or so ... now feel quite "beaten up" ... vision out of whack again ... anxiety floating around and through me ... finger nails getting a little frayed hanging on ... distraction ... watching clouds scutter by in the nighttime sky ... dizzy ... "inflated" head ... "planned" for a haircut this morning ... maybe I can just roll down hill ... just feeling sick ... going "slow" as best I can ... so good to have BB this time of the morning with the physical stuff ... you are my "distraction" ... good place to be ...

 

Take care.

[[Co...]]

Nova..so sorry to read this. The head stuff is hard. I have absolutely no tricks to share....only words to let you know I am awake ( 3:15 a.m here in Pacific Northwest). with you. I know how it is to feel " beaten up from this poison.

....Just know that we are all with you...we are not leaving the cave without you. I don't know if this is much of an offering, but I am finding that a hot neck wrap helps the awful head sensation...probably just a counter sessation but a gdistraction. ....Nova,  I hope your day gives way to a long window...thinking of you. ...coop

[[Fl...]]

What a wonderfully supportive thread this is! I just happened upon it, read the last couple of pages and just wanted to say I deeply appreciate the tone of posts and the quality of support you all have put together. This is the stuff of healing; this is exactly the sort of thing that made my journey bearable. It's lovely to witness.

 

Know that it gets better. It gets old to hear that, I know, but it's true --- It Gets Better. 

 

Wishing you all a day of hope.

Flip

[[wh...]]

Thanks GreenIce

It's so weird. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of but it consumes me.

I don't want to take a shower either.  I was happy upset before but this is different.

I can't put my finger on it.  I just know I'm not living a normal life because of this fear.

I don't think about normal things like paying bills; getting my hair done; new clothes etc

Is this withdrawal?  Just raw fear.

 

[[Co...]]

Whoot, it is acute w/d....it just sucks. It will get better even though it feels so scary and so foreign. I was afraid to take a bath and had no idea why. I was afraid to leave my house even to take the dog out. Acute is the hardest part of w/d, but usually the shortest. The things that helped me were....hot bath soaks with lavender epsome salts, ( even when I was afraid to take a bath..once I got in I was a little better), trying to maintain a routine...every day started by taking my dog out..some days the ' routine was the daily TV schedule. On bad days during acute I would be in bed where I felt safe but scared and just try to get from one half hour program to the next. On days when d,/r disconnected me from a sense of time the TV programming helped me know where I was in the day. ...BBs was my lifeline and I spent most of acute learning to write from my smart phone and kindle and how to navigate BBs. ....also a go to for me was and is a hot neck wrap..it provided a counter sensation to the physical sensation of fear...Whoot...that was month 3-4 for me. Now I am out of bed, busy through the day, venturing out ..no longer afraid to take a bath. Some of my days are still challenging, but for the most part I get through them better. Whoot...this will get better....do whatever you need to do to get through one more month.  then one more month...then another month....you will make it through this..one day at a time...the days will morph into months...

...I know how hard and scary this is....you wont regret getting off....keep coming to BBs ...in acute I was on all day for days at. time...that's ok, that's why we are here.

...We are with you Whoot.. just get through this day.....coop

 

[[pe...]]

Whootwhoot-

I'm sorry you're going through this. But it's all withdrawal. I feel like you're writing my symptoms and you're doing it very well. Your descriptions are spot on. I see myself in them and for me, that's a weird comfort. We're not alone. We have each other and what I can tell you is that I still feel all your symptoms but to a lesser degree. It's going to get better.

 

Nova- I'm sorry for this hard spot and glad BB is open 24 hours. I hope you're moving into this day with fewer symptoms. Either way, let us know and we'll keep checking in with you. Imagine that healing lodge Coop built? Chop wood, carry water.

 

Coops idea of a hot neck wrap has helped me. I made a flannel pillow full of rice and I heat it in the microwave. The weight is soothing to me. I just hold it sometimes or lie with it on my chest. Other times, I heat it up and use it on my neck or any tingling extremity.

 

Fliprain- Thank you. I'm glad you stopped by to encourage us along. Hearing from people who have healed is very healing. I've been worrying about the outcomes of people who take klonopin. I've found a lot of people who took klonopin wind up on the protracted board. I'm trying to stay out of the way of that particular fear and not let it grab hold. So, it's good to hear from you and see klonopin in your signature and know you made it to the other side.

 

Healinghope- "I am feeling really good and strong."  So glad to hear it!

 

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hey Flip...hi!...thanks for stopping by and encouraging us. We are all in 'phase 2 ' of year one. We all seemed to hit a wall at around month 6 as we had expected to be feeling better than we were. So we banded together to make sure we all got to our year one anniversaries. I would not have made it through month 6 without these smart, strong, determined,  funny and compassionate buddies...we are all going to make it to that one year mark.

.....So fun to hear from you Flip...how is your life now that you are done with all of this and healed? Your story has been such an inspirsation to me...my best to you Flip. ..coop

[[wh...]]

Thanks guys

OMG the fear is overwhelming sometimes. Fear of fear.

unfortunately I've taken up smoking again as a coping mechanism....it really just fuels my health fears....

so self destructive.  I can feel my brain waking up on the plus side.  now normal feelings and sensations have to follow.

my poor significant other is trying his best to understand; I am trying as well.

Did you guys feel this?  did you just try to stop thinking?

Sorry to be like this right now; your support means everything to me....gives me hope.

Hope you are all feeling better than this....hope it is not bringing back bad memories....