6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

whoot - hope this may make a little sense, I am not too "stable" myself today ... it may be (and I am not any kind of authority here) that although these kind of thoughts are just showing up now, they are not "new" ... they may belong to the past and are connected directly to being off (or tapering off) the drug(s) ... as yukky as this may sound, they may be showing up because they are on their way out ... they are (will) gradually being replaced by drug free your thinking ...

 

You, and many others, are showing great determination to get through this process ... come out the other side, and we all will ... you are doing a really good job, and it is exhausting, scary, and feels never ending ...

 

I would like to ask ... can you "reframe" the "it feels like sabatoge" and "my brain and body trying to get me to take the little pill" to something like ... "the benzo lies are getting really desperate - they know they are loosing - they know their time is running out" ... or ... "my brain and body are trying really, really hard to heal themselves ... I can't imagine how hard they are trying ... and I am really confused right now ... but I know they are looking after me as best they can" ...

 

this kind of "reframing" does not fix anything right here, right now ... it can help you feel you are getting some of your power back from the "lies" ... it is a slow process and it can be helpful in the long run ... sort of like affirmations ... or prayer ... it can help one to feel more "grounded" and more like they are doing their own thinking, not the "lies" ...

 

sorry, hard to post today ... hope I didn't totally missed the mark for you ...

 

Take Care.

[[wh...]]

thanks nova scotia even on a bad day you reach out to help.

I can hardly wait until we are all on the other side of this.  I wish we could all get together for a big partly.

I'll try the reframing....it's hard isn't it. Like your brain wants you to stay trapped in a loop; not sure what to do.

I know we do get breaks so looking forward to the next one for all of us. Love and strength to you bud.

 

[[No...]]

Thanks whoot - I have been getting re-visited by some old familiars ... mostly "pressure" stuff ... starts below the belly ... then the diaphragm ... up into the chest and neck ... ears and eyes ... and then the bands around the head ... feels like I am trying to explode sometimes ... but ... nothing new ... just old stuff out for another stroll ... and the "coolest" part of this is the right side of my face feels like it is slipping off ... have never found any bits on the floor so it must be benzo-stuff ... been around for a couple of days ... maybe three ... and like all the rest this will pass in time ... it doesn't really get a lot of my attention any more, mostly an exhausting annoyance ...

 

Take Care, Folks ... Good Healing.

[[pe...]]

Nova,

I've been thinking  of you today. I'm sorry your symptoms are visiting. I'm glad you've got a good perspective on it all. I hope this episode is short lived, but we'll be here either way.

 

Hugs and healing thoughts to you.

 

[[No...]]

peace2 - hi ... one of the blessings for me is that I do seem to be over the heavy-duty mental stuff ... it just seemed to fall away ... I certainly still do feel random anxiety, but seems to be in my body ... real hard-nosed fear/terror just doesn't seem to be around ... lots of exhaustion and real lethargy ... and I really do not understand what depression is ... maybe I have had it, maybe I have it from time to time and did not recognize it ... spent so long with the fear/terror stuff probably didn't recognize depression.

 

I seem to have found a groove where the physical stuff is debilitating and annoying ... and I just get through the day as best I can, without getting tangled up in it mentally.

 

The one thing I think I am getting really better at is not "escalating" stress ... if something is difficult, if I am not "getting" something ... if I feel myself getting "grabbed" by something or someone ... I am getting very good at just turning away ... letting it go ... this is something that I cannot manage right now and I do not need to get tangled up in it. If I do get grabbed or tangled up the physical stuff goes through the roof and I have an almost total energy dump ... feels like ... well it feels totally dreadful.

 

Things are moving in a healing direction for me. As with all of us, it is hard, exhausting, and relentless ... and it will end.

 

Take care.

[[Co...]]

Whoot and Peace....boy my sympathies are with you. I had had one intense bout of horrible I trusive thoughts and death crazy fear in month 3. In Mobius the 4 I had a week long unrelenting wave of intrusive thoughts that were so bizzarro I actually thought they were not my thoughts ( actually they were not anything close to anything that had ever entered my mind)

......At 6months the health and dying fears are back with a basing vengeance. I am at 7.5 months off now a d still have absolutely inexplicable health fears. I did not have death fears before benzos ..My irrational health fears and bizzaro feeling of imminent death ( I kid you not...haunting) are triggered by ANY physical sensation that does not feel right. Unfortunately my second 6 months of recovery is pretty much defined by all kinds of new physical s/x. The first 6 months of recovery for me was mostly all about mental torture and fear of panic.

...This s/x of intense health fears and dying g is actually the one that makes me afraid it will be with me forever. I get so worn out by it that I finally reach a point where I think to myself..." I don't even care anymore if I die...I am going to go out and live my life ...if I have a fatal stroke or heart attack in the middle of Fred Meyers. .so what ..at least it wont be huddled up in bed monitoring every body sensation ". ...Oddly when I get to that weird place of " whatever happens happens ", I feel a great deal of release from the obssessive worry. ...but it only lasts a day or 2 and then I start the cycle all over again. I fear that it is actually becomming a mental illness now.

...The thing that makes me believe that it is all w/d is that during a window it goes away at about 90% which is great relief.  The only other s/x that worries me this much is anxiety...which is entertained with the health /dying fear.

.....Peace and Whoot....I truely hope this one lets up pretty soon as it interferes with every aspect of my life at 7.5 months off. Having said all of that, I will add that on most days I am able to use some of the tools I have picked up along the way and manage to get through the day with these whackadoodle fears. than I could in earlier months. It still takes huge daffier to go about my day with the Benzo Beast screaming death threats at me...it sometimes causes moderate d/r. I am at a place patience wise where I just refuse to cave in to it. ..Sometimes my physical s/x can be intense enough to keep me in bed, but not nearly as often as in the first 6 months...so I count that as progress even though the health/dying fears keep me from counting my progress as any kind of windows other than sunbreaks, I do see it as progress...just not enough...I am sick of this now ...and pissed about it. Greenice also writes of "immenent death ' fears...We are all in good company with each other in this one...

....Wishing all of us peace from the ' death thoughts '....thanks for posting Whoot and Peace, helps me know that this is w/d and not me....Eventually we will all shake it off....coop

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop....sorry that you feel this too.  Unbelievable.  I never felt like this before either.  I've been pushing myself through it everyday lately.  My life is good too....no reason for it.  My physical symptoms are better but I rather deal with them.  When we get both it is just unbearable. 

Thank you for your posts; they make me see that it is not me and I have hope that it will better.

Stay strong.  Love and strength to you bud.

 

[[li...]]

hi to our little group!

 

I see allot written here about intrusive thoughts. In my third and forth month it was absolutely the worst. Here I am in a massive open window and with all the talk about intrusive thought -- not one thought disturbing me today!  Healing is really a tricky process. Here I am reading these symptoms I had before on this thread and all the sudden I realised -- wow!! I am healing! It just has to be measured month to month or even more. Day to day you forget the progress. Today I feel like I have not felt in 30 years. Totally together and aware and calm - DID I JUST SAY CALM!!!!! I continue to be able to do more and I can see that my cognitive skills are returning big time. My ability to deal with stress is ever present. I am still concerned about the depression that returns this past weekend but my doctor said that true depression is ever present and if it comes and goes its a sign of healing. I sure pray that he is right.

 

Here is what you all have to look forward to. Two month ago I was dealing with allot of anxiety and that seems to have disappeared. Today I have had an awesome day and the bottom line with this whole healing process is that it is not linear. I can say that it was not for me. My addiction doctor said that from months 8 to 12 are very big healing months and if not then 12- 18 at most. Today I feel like I have this presence of mind that I can only imagine would be the ultimate healing. Today ( right now) I feel as close to 100% healed as I have ever felt in this entire process. I am not counting victory yet but here is a big step -- I am actually NOW thankful having gone through this process because if I did not go through it I would not have bettered CBT skills which are really helping me now.

 

Here is a big proclamation that I  will make. 40 days ago I asked people at my church to pray for me and they said it would take 45 days of me believing in this healing and I would get better. Fellow buddies I am definitely exiting the dark cave of benozs but I think I am dealing

with bouts of my mind getting use to seeing the bright light of the sun. I am adjusting now. At month 6 I had anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression, racing minds, hypochondria, physical side affects,unemotional and all these things are gone today and when I look back I have been evolving into a stronger person without me even recognizing how much so. I am rambling but I will go with this statement -- Healing is real and we only have to measure our process month to month or better yet 3 months to 3 month. The cave is dark but the light that awaits you will blind you with fulfillment. That is worth scratching your way through clawing every inch you take. We are all going to be better peopel for this experience. God bless you and I pray we all heal faster.

 

life

[[No...]]

I am happy that you are feeling so well, Life. Keep going. It will keep getting better and better.

 

[[Fr...]]

Congratulations Life - what HAPPY news!!! Keep it up and keep us posted.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Life, you are so generous to stay on and support those of us right behind you. I am so happy for you that healing is so close for you. I read your posts with so much hope for all of us here. I focus on the things I want to do when I am where you are...Keep posting as long as it works for you Life, we are all following you with hopeful hearts.....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, I am thinking of you today....I also am tortured with pressure in my head..but I don't have it as you do in my chest very often...once in awhile a band feeling around my chest PT. seems to be helping that.  and going to PT gets me out of my house no matter how bad I feel I am shocked by how fatigued I am by going to a simple PT appointment. I am finding that going out one day means being tired the next day so I try to go with that.

.....The slipping cheek thing sounds very weird...I truely hope this is gone for you soon. You offer us so much support Nova... and wonderful tools for coping...thank you for posting ..I know there are many days when you don't feel up to it and write to us any way....

.....I seem to be in a somewhat loosely predictable pattern....mornings of absolute acute...afternoons of feeling 75-80% healing....even though the mornings are miserable and fearful I have yo recognize that my afternoons are signs of healing. .. My most challenging s/x right now is constant health fears. ...As Peace and Whoot are being tortured by the exact same s/x I tell myself constantly that it is merely the Benzo Beast and has only as much power as I give to it....exhausting.

...Nova...your thoughts on patience and acceptance are so valuable to us....I am sending you bouncy thoughts for healing soon..soon....soon.  Sending hopes for windows....coop

 

[[He...]]

Healinghope- Physical activity is so much easier for me than mental activity at the moment. So, you my dear are a total rock star for writing 6 pages on a scholarly topic!

 

[move]HealingHope is almost finished with her paper and she feels good! Yahoo![/move]

 

Wow...a moving banner!! Thanks Peace!!  :yippee:

And I got that paper done, all 10 pages, including several appendices....and it was pretty darn good. 

[[No...]]

Coop - yeah the slipping face thing is weird, my wife and I get a good laugh out of it ... the pressure stuff is pretty dreadful ... starts above belly button, up into stomach area, up into diaphragm, then neck, then head and ears ... when it is really loud I think I just need to explode ... no other way to describe it, not that I will explode, just that I need to .... I have a sense that this "pattern" may be a signal that things are shifting ... energy is moving ... there doesn't seem to be tension, just pressure ... trying to imagine a way to figuratively "blow my stack" ... something feels stuck and needs a little push ... will wait and see what happens ... this may be a bit odd, I am not getting random side effects much anyone, you know the one off here, the one off there ... things seem to be "coming together" ... whatever that means ...

 

Other than having a pretty miserable 4 days, things are pretty good ... I know that can sound pretty cheeky, but it is pretty much how I "feel" mentally ...

 

Good Healing, folks.

[[No...]]

HealingHope -     

[[He...]]

Life, I am so happy to hear that you are in a wonderful window!!  I pray that it stays open for you. 

 

For everyone who is dealing with those darn intrusive thoughts of dying, I had them very badly too...and they go away.  I was convinced that I was going to drop down dead from a stroke or heart attack constantly.  I would be up teaching and in the back of my head was this constant voice of "this is it...you are going to keel over any minute, right in front of your class."  It is an awful symptom, but that is ALL it is....a symptom.  And it is one that goes away.  Even in the midst of my recent waves, I didn't feel the need to check my pulse on the side of my neck.  Hang in there.  It gets better!

 

I'm doing much better, with just a bit of anxiety and depression hanging around in the distant background.  Still very up and down, but true to what Life and others were writing about last week, I am pulling myself out of this funk.  Making myself go on walks helps tremendously.  Staying home is really bad for my healing, I do MUCH better being busy, active, and social.  I took my pup out for a 3.5 mile walk this morning and am getting ready to run errands.  Feeling good and hopeful again. 

[[He...]]

Coop - yeah the slipping face thing is weird, my wife and I get a good laugh out of it ... the pressure stuff is pretty dreadful ... starts above belly button, up into stomach area, up into diaphragm, then neck, then head and ears ... when it is really loud I think I just need to explode ... no other way to describe it, not that I will explode, just that I need to .... I have a sense that this "pattern" may be a signal that things are shifting ... energy is moving ... there doesn't seem to be tension, just pressure ... trying to imagine a way to figuratively "blow my stack" ... something feels stuck and needs a little push ... will wait and see what happens ... this may be a bit odd, I am not getting random side effects much anyone, you know the one off here, the one off there ... things seem to be "coming together" ... whatever that means ...

 

Other than having a pretty miserable 4 days, things are pretty good ... I know that can sound pretty cheeky, but it is pretty much how I "feel" mentally ...

 

Good Healing, folks.

 

Lol, Nova!!    Doesn't that just about sum up a large portion of this time of healing? 

[[wh...]]

Hey Coop and the gang

Do you think the DP/DR has a lot to do with our health anxiety.  Not really being in the moment; feeling so disconnected makes us focus on our body too much.  When one goes so does the other.  Hmmmm...........

[[li...]]

Hey Coop and the gang

Do you think the DP/DR has a lot to do with our health anxiety.  Not really being in the moment; feeling so disconnected makes us focus on our body too much.  When one goes so does the other.  Hmmmm...........

 

Woot and all,

 

I think the answer to your question is definitely yes! Anxiety and depression by its very definition is definitely inward bound attention to self or our symptoms. That is why it is so very important when you are feeling bad to push yourself to work at being mindful of your surrounding. It is a skill that takes lots of practice and I struggle with it every day. Back in December and January my intrusive thoughts were so severe and by its very definition my DR was so much that I literally would sit in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head. No kidding. Here is the good news -- my last symptom as of last week was depression. Depression by its definition is a dis-ease (not a disease but dis-ease) that is constant so if yours go and comes it is all definitely unique to benzo withdrawal.

 

Now here I am 5 months later and I have great healing going on. When healing starts to dawn on you there is this sense of gratitude that only a survivor can ever have. For me I am grateful to God but it was so hard for me to feel this way when I was in waves.  Becuase of your darkest moments  you learn in your brightest moments how great life really is. You will never ever take life for granted. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude to God and life today that I parked my boat in the middle of the lake and started to dance to the song "Sweet Home Alabama"! If you know me I never dance.  Healing is just around the corner for all of us. These symptoms are all w/d related and if you asked me 2 months ago I would never had said that with certainty. This is a brutal drug w/d and the s/x are so sever that we never know which way is up in waves. I am here to say that true healing is so beautiful and I am so grateful for the times I am able to enjoy like today. Am I there at total healing yet?  ::)I don't know. What I do know is that I am definitely out of the dark cave and I am now dealing with accepting how bright the sky seems to me and how beautiful nature is.

 

All of you, if you read my posts from the past I was in a bad place. it was deep and it was dark. I see hope now. I am optimistic for the future. I prey that depression will not return but if it does I know that it is w/d related. One bit of advice, do what you do not want to do in a wave -- just go for that walk, exercise, talk to that neighbor, stretch your boundaries. It works. The brian rewards you for overcoming your fear even if you are in dread when you do go out and do that which makes you uncomfortable. Just do it - stretch your boundaries and you will be rewarded. We are healing!!!! Remember healing is biologocal as much as it is cognitive. Love to all! 

 

 

[[wh...]]

Thanks Life....that is great news.  I understand the hitting yourself in front of the mirror thing.....I've done that.  Telling myself you are real; this is really happening; the world is still spinning.....wake up!! So brutal.  I can hardly wait to feel life around me again...to be involved; connected....I will never take anything for granted again. 

So glad for you Life.  Have fun.....Live....thank you for coming back to give us hope. 

[[Gr...]]

In reading here, it appears most people have waves that are full of intense anxiety and fear.  Does anyone but me have waves of non-emotional symptoms?  I go from feeling great in windows to waves, where physical stuff happens.  I'll be watching tv and I'll begin feeling my nerve endings start to tingle and hurt in my ankles, then my head will begin hurting, my vision gets off, my neck will ache and I'll feel flu-like.  The next day I'll have to lay down all day because it feels like the flu minus intestinal issues.  I have no actual anxiety or fear other than not getting well from all this.  I get the internal jitters but they're not from anxiety, they're from nerve fibers over-firing.

 

I really worry because my symptoms are different than yours.

 

Can anyone comment?  I had dp/dr at first in acute but now it's only when my head feels inflamed.  Does wd inflame tissue or make tissue seem inflamed?  My issues feel more like a case of encephalitis.

 

Lisa

 

Lisa, at the start of my eighth month I'm getting something similar to your s/x.  I tracked a three day window, and then a three day wave with extreme fatigue, flu s/x, heavy cog fog and headache.  This is new for me in this withdrawal.  I did a google search and learned that flu s/x are caused by a lower level of cortisol.  it makes sense.  we produce cortisol in response to stress.  then we crash when we run out of cortisol.  do you ever get that bloated benzo belly?  that's a sign of excessive cortisol.  Are we the only ones?  I doubt it.  But you're right, I don't see many people with this s/x. It's like what I had in tolerance.  Except the windows are so much better.  I never had windows in tolerance.  I still feel confident we'll get better.  People have gotten some bizarre sh*&^ in withdrawal

[[Gr...]]

Hello Everybody

 

I've been away a couple of days, so I get to read about ten pages straight through.  So, yes, we all have waves and symptoms no one expected we'd have this far out. But there's a lot of healing going on, too.  I remember from months 1-5 people were in acute existential agony, plus all of the awful physical symptoms.  I really feel everyone here is doing a lot better as I'm reading the posts.

 

And we have to remember that we have all been through a grueling, brutal experience, some of us in tolerance and/or tapers for years.  There's bound to be a readjustment period as we re-enter the world.

 

I had a moderate three day wave.  It started wearing me down by the end.  I still think there's improvement.  I agree with Life that many people who feel better just leave the site.  I also believe a lot of people leave prematurely and find themselves up a creek without support.  Then it's hard for them to reconnect here.  The fact we support each other is huge, the benefit far outweighs the slight risk that we might "catch" some s/x online from other buddies.

 

I'm battling fatigue, so hopefully I'll get to sleep tonight.

 

P.S. SkyHD sent a message that she is feeling really bad and will be back when she feels better

[[No...]]

Life ... dancing in a boat ... "Sweet Home Alabama" ... and me without my binoculars ... 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning Folks -

 

Well, that wave is on its way to Ireland ... went right out the harbour last evening and kept on going. I "waved" it good-bye. Got a few hours sleep and rummaged through my morning fog ... a little rocky and shaky ... but heh ... better than the last four days.  And so the saga continues ...

 

A Good Wednesday to you all ... Good Healing.

[[No...]]

GreenIce - found my crescent wrench for the "readjustment period" ... which knob do I turn first ... okay, I thought it was funny. 

 

You are so right about this process. I am so looking forward to "coming back to life".