6-12 month thread....

[[je...]]

In reading here, it appears most people have waves that are full of intense anxiety and fear.  Does anyone but me have waves of non-emotional symptoms?  I go from feeling great in windows to waves, where physical stuff happens.  I'll be watching tv and I'll begin feeling my nerve endings start to tingle and hurt in my ankles, then my head will begin hurting, my vision gets off, my neck will ache and I'll feel flu-like.  The next day I'll have to lay down all day because it feels like the flu minus intestinal issues.  I have no actual anxiety or fear other than not getting well from all this.  I get the internal jitters but they're not from anxiety, they're from nerve fibers over-firing.

 

I really worry because my symptoms are different than yours.

 

Can anyone comment?  I had dp/dr at first in acute but now it's only when my head feels inflamed.  Does wd inflame tissue or make tissue seem inflamed?  My issues feel more like a case of encephalitis.

 

Lisa

 

 

Hi free,

 

I don't get too many mental sx when Im in a wave now--I used to get seriously depressed. Now I get lots of physical sx, just read my signature. Lots of nerve pain, and head/sinus pressure etc etc. So you are not alone, I guess it just affects us all differently. In the first 6 months Most of my sx were mental with some physical now it has switched. Take care, Jenny

[[Fr...]]

Hi Jenny - thanks for your comments.  I'm sorry you are dealing with physical symptoms too.  From the beginning, my symptoms have been primarily physical.  Just getting really tired of all this like everyone else is.  It seems never-ending.

 

Lisa

[[He...]]

Hi everyone~

 

Man, are my symptoms up and down, up and down!  I seem to be cycling through each day, with little consistency.  What used to be my normal - varying degrees of morning anxiety, but getting better throughout the day (usually by noon), has even changed.  I have woke up several times in complete peace and feeling good and then started feeling badly as the day went on.  I also feel a lot of exhaustion and depression.  I think that the closer I get to the one year mark, which is July 1, the harder these waves seem to be to mentally/emotionally deal with.  It's like that 6 month thing that many of you talked about....it's such a milestone and we expected to be better than we were.  It's disappointing to have been feeling so good and here I am again probably at 60% just a few weeks shy of 1 year.  Someone posted a while ago about maybe symptoms are like those pendulum balls that bounce off each other faster and faster as it goes to equilibrium.  Maybe that is true for me.  Shorter, less intense, but crazily active waves... 

 

It seems to me that when symptoms change it feels harder, even if the symptoms aren't more severe.  Do you find yourself unnerved by changing symptoms ever?

 

Here's to healing for us all.  Let this be the summer of bright and permanent windows opening!!  

[[be...]]

Thanks Coop - does the PT help at all?  Yes, I feel no fear or anxiety aside from if this wd will ever go away and will I ever feel good again.  I have no fear of death or much else.  I just feel sick about 45 percent of the time.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time lately and are rooting for you to feel better soon.

 

Take care,

Lisa

 

Hi Lisa, wanted to let you know that most of my symptoms are physical. Earlier in withdrawal I had a lot of mental symptoms along with the physical. Now it's down to nerve and muscle pain.

I have been having some good windows and the nerve pain eases with every window.

I have been more tolerant to the waves lately.It seems the further out I get the better the Windows, finally. If this nerve pain would get lost I would jump for joy.

 

Big hugs to you all.

[[Fr...]]

Hi Beulah,

 

That is such great news to hear!  I'm so thrilled for you - that you're having longer windows and milder waves.  That means the waves will stop soon too and you will be completely healed.

 

Keep us posted.

 

Lots of hugs to you too,

Lisa 

[[je...]]

Hi everyone~

 

Man, are my symptoms up and down, up and down!  I seem to be cycling through each day, with little consistency.  What used to be my normal - varying degrees of morning anxiety, but getting better throughout the day (usually by noon), has even changed.  I have woke up several times in complete peace and feeling good and then started feeling badly as the day went on.  I also feel a lot of exhaustion and depression.  I think that the closer I get to the one year mark, which is July 1, the harder these waves seem to be to mentally/emotionally deal with.  It's like that 6 month thing that many of you talked about....it's such a milestone and we expected to be better than we were.  It's disappointing to have been feeling so good and here I am again probably at 60% just a few weeks shy of 1 year.  Someone posted a while ago about maybe symptoms are like those pendulum balls that bounce off each other faster and faster as it goes to equilibrium.  Maybe that is true for me.  Shorter, less intense, but crazily active waves... 

 

It seems to me that when symptoms change it feels harder, even if the symptoms aren't more severe.  Do you find yourself unnerved by changing symptoms ever?

 

Here's to healing for us all.  Let this be the summer of bright and permanent windows opening!!

 

 

Hi Healing,

Yes Iam feeling the same way. Iam almost 9 months out and expected to be a lot better than Iam now. I was feeling so great at month 6 that I just expected it to keep improving, sadly it has not happened that way. Iam starting to worry that I will be on protracted board and that really scares me. BUT who knows the next window we have could be the one that never closes. Jenny

[[He...]]

Hi everyone~

 

Man, are my symptoms up and down, up and down!  I seem to be cycling through each day, with little consistency.  What used to be my normal - varying degrees of morning anxiety, but getting better throughout the day (usually by noon), has even changed.  I have woke up several times in complete peace and feeling good and then started feeling badly as the day went on.  I also feel a lot of exhaustion and depression.  I think that the closer I get to the one year mark, which is July 1, the harder these waves seem to be to mentally/emotionally deal with.  It's like that 6 month thing that many of you talked about....it's such a milestone and we expected to be better than we were.  It's disappointing to have been feeling so good and here I am again probably at 60% just a few weeks shy of 1 year.  Someone posted a while ago about maybe symptoms are like those pendulum balls that bounce off each other faster and faster as it goes to equilibrium.  Maybe that is true for me.  Shorter, less intense, but crazily active waves... 

 

It seems to me that when symptoms change it feels harder, even if the symptoms aren't more severe.  Do you find yourself unnerved by changing symptoms ever?

 

Here's to healing for us all.  Let this be the summer of bright and permanent windows opening!!

 

 

Hi Healing,

Yes Iam feeling the same way. Iam almost 9 months out and expected to be a lot better than Iam now. I was feeling so great at month 6 that I just expected it to keep improving, sadly it has not happened that way. Iam starting to worry that I will be on protracted board and that really scares me. BUT who knows the next window we have could be the one that never closes. Jenny

 

Hi Jenny,

That thought really scares me, too.  I made the mistake of scrolling through old posts while not logged in on my phone, and found someone talking about how months 12-15 were the most difficult, then a few other people agreed.  Unfortunately, being not logged in, I couldn't do any checking as to this person's history to ease my mind.  The thought of this getting worse, coupled with me not being where I thought I would just 2 weeks shy of a year, is throwing me for a loop. 

 

But, you are right..... the next window we have could be the ONE!  I have to hold on to the fact that even through these wildly bouncing around symptoms, I am still MUCH better than I was many months ago...AND better than I was while ON klonopin.  I'm even doing pretty good with dealing with the major stress in my life regarding our housing situation.  After a few days earlier this week of not even wanting to get out of bed, lots of crying, and big anxiety, things are calming down and I am able to function and concentrate on other things.  I'll be writing another paper today for my masters, and my husband and I will be sitting down and hashing out our budget.  I keep telling myself that I am retraining my brain on how better to deal with stress.   

 

Things are getting better, and will continue to do so, for all of us. 

[[pe...]]

Hi Jenny and Healing hope-

You are both among the examples of healing I hold dear when I'm afraid. You've both had stretches of improvement even if you're currently riding through some waves. You're almost there. Don't fall into the protracted fear. If it happens, I have no doubt you'll both put one foot in front of the other until you're out of the cave. Where's Life and his headlamp, anyway? 

 

I've started telling myself to expect 10 more months. That will put me at 15 months. It might be longer or shorter, but I can do this for 10 more months. We're all getting there.

 

Hugs to you all.

Peace2

 

[[li...]]

Headlamp here Peace!  Ok so today I am writing about entering a wave and then a window in the final stages of healing. I praying it is the final stages. I came to my georgia home with no structure ( already scared I would not know what to do with myself) and found a garden out of control with a dirty home and my wife and kids are coming on tuesday. So what do I do I want to get it all done right away within two days ( this is my old self and not a great trait). Completely unrealistic! But that doesn't matter I am going to take charge of my newfound productivity and for two days I went at it! My chainsaw broke, the hoses did not work, one dog bit another and I found a pool of blood in the garage  ( turned out to be nothing but was just as scary), I had to clean all the blood, I could not fix anything as when I tried I got impatient and could not deal with anything and thought I was a failure  and then pow -- the feelings of a wave overcame me. I mean deep depression caused by a lack of self esteem that only benzos can do to us. 1.) I did way to much ( shoudl have been a possitive as I actually can do things now!) but 2. ) I beat the shit out of myself because I knew the universe was out to get me.  :idiot:How else could I explain the weirdness of everything not working?!!! When I started to get that depressive thinking and feeling I thought "Oh no not a wave" and so I decided to go to sleep at 9 and sleep it off. I woke with early morning anxiety and thought oh shit NOT a wave all day? It fathers day!!!!!!! Oh no. Instead of panicking as I would always do I decided to go out in the garden and finish what I had started ( I pushed myself as I really did not want to do it. I was depressed). Well I got under control the garden ( it is butchered in places but oh well) and then went to the grocery store with my 14  year old ( the only one that is here with me). Then I started thinking?

 

 

What if I just decided to thank God for this new found productivity instead of focussing on what I do not have? If it is a true wave I could not influence it that much ( you still can) but if I mislabeled it and it was not a true wave then maybe I can enter into a window. Bingo! I started thinking of gratitude rather than thinking the world was out to get me ( poor little me  ). I started thinking of what went right today and bingo a wave disappeared ( it was definitely a previous wave as the feeling of depression was big) and a window appeared. The point of this story is that I am in the late stages of great healing ( I am concerned about the newfound depression I get from time to time that lasts days) and in the late stages you can create a wave by thinking that the same old overwhelmed feelings comes back and you feel you can do anything and that you are useless ( but when I looked back I got a shitload down the past three days) and I started down my same old negative thinking from trivial things not going my way AND now I focused on the positive and here i am writing a long ass post. I am in a great window and I think I created it.  :thumbsup:Maybe it not just  a window and I can just get stuck in a good life long window?. This whole w/d thing is brutal to all of us. Last night I thought if this continues I am checking myself in to a hospital or somewhere. I felt so let down. Today!!! Here I am writing you that everything will be great. I cant wait to get off this manic depression look alike poison called benzo w/d.

 

The whole point of this email is that we all must do our part to push ourselves whenever possible as this increases our moral and self esteem. And that is all good and may help you get into windows. We are all going to heal and i will be here until I write my success story and more.

 

life

[[He...]]

Hi Jenny and Healing hope-

You are both among the examples of healing I hold dear when I'm afraid. You've both had stretches of improvement even if you're currently riding through some waves. You're almost there. Don't fall into the protracted fear. If it happens, I have no doubt you'll both put one foot in front of the other until you're out of the cave. Where's Life and his headlamp, anyway? 

 

I've started telling myself to expect 10 more months. That will put me at 15 months. It might be longer or shorter, but I can do this for 10 more months. We're all getting there.

 

Hugs to you all.

Peace2

 

Peace,

You are right.    This IS a doable task, even if it does take 10 more months.  Look at how much we all have already accomplished!  We CAN go all the way through and we WILL come out better on the other side.  I still have 2.5 months before I even hit the 14 month healing time average.  That's 75 or so days of more healing...and a LOT can happen in that amount of time!  I'm going to let go of my 1 year fixation, and just keep moving forward.  I certainly have enough real stress to deal with, so I certainly don't need to add to it with imagined fears.    It's time for me to live Matthew 6:34 ~ "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own."  If I get to tomorrow and find it wavy, I'll just deal with it then. 

The one thing that I totally, 100%, believe is that we will be so much stronger and all-around healthier/happier after this journey.  All of these positive coping mechanisms that we are developing will only serve to help us in the future.  It really is going to be OK.  Life will be good!

 

Hugs back 

Hope

[[li...]]

 

Hi Jenny,

That thought really scares me, too.  I made the mistake of scrolling through old posts while not logged in on my phone, and found someone talking about how months 12-15 were the most difficult, then a few other people agreed.  Unfortunately, being not logged in, I couldn't do any checking as to this person's history to ease my mind.  The thought of this getting worse, coupled with me not being where I thought I would just 2 weeks shy of a year, is throwing me for a loop. 

 

But, you are right..... the next window we have could be the ONE!  I have to hold on to the fact that even through these wildly bouncing around symptoms, I am still MUCH better than I was many months ago...AND better than I was while ON klonopin.  I'm even doing pretty good with dealing with the major stress in my life regarding our housing situation.  After a few days earlier this week of not even wanting to get out of bed, lots of crying, and big anxiety, things are calming down and I am able to function and concentrate on other things.  I'll be writing another paper today for my masters, and my husband and I will be sitting down and hashing out our budget.  I keep telling myself that I am retraining my brain on how better to deal with stress.   

 

Things are getting better, and will continue to do so, for all of us. 

 

Healing and jenny, coop and all,

 

The nature of these boards is that you will have the greatest amount of people that are healed are basically gone. It not like we will read

" Yep, i'm in my 12-14 month and having a great day again. No complains. Just sunshine and rainbow here. Boy am i great to be at BB!". No unfortunately for the way BB is set up only the people that have issues stick around. I will try to stick around just to help people when I am finally healed but the temptation is defiantly there not to entertain as much BB when you are feeling good. I have a sense of respect and duty to help others. When you read " Oh I cant believe it I am 3 years off and my toes are still hurting and my anxiety is flared up again". then you have to wonder "does this person have benzo problems or doe she/she have other issues? Try no to assimilate others problems to you. I was put on gabapentin and some people had horror stories and some did not. When I went to get off ( I was on a low does) I had only minor anxiety and that was it. If I thought it was going to be another benzo hell then it might of. I guess what i am saying is that we can make ourselves sick by assimilating other problems ( which are the minority ). Must all people 99 % my addiction specialist says wil be healed by 18 months with the great majority by 12 months.

 

healing is non linear so you may be feeling like the worst wave and then bingo you enter the next window in a week that lasts a lifetime. That is how he explained it.

 

God bless you all and ( without getting too religious her)  yes ask Him to heal you. Have the faith that God will and it will happen. I had many people pray for me 30 days ago and I just believed that within 45 days I would be healed and I just accepted it. Things have ben much better since that day. I know how hard faith is if you do not have faith ( Im agnostic in waves as everything is so dark) but faith is the belief in things not seen yet. We are all healing!

life

 

[[li...]]

Healing and jenny, coop and all,

 

The nature of these boards is that you will have the greatest amount of people that are healed are basically gone. It not like we will read

" Yep, i'm in my 12-14 month and having a great day again. No complains. Just sunshine and rainbow here. Boy am i great to be at BB!".  No unfortunately for the way BB is set up only the people that have issues stick around. I will try to stick around just to help people when I am finally healed but the temptation is defiantly there not to entertain as much BB when you are feeling good. I have a sense of respect and duty to help others. When you read " Oh I cant believe it I am 3 years off and my toes are still hurting and my anxiety is flared up again". then you have to wonder "does this person have benzo problems or doe she/she have other issues? Try no to assimilate others problems to you. I was put on gabapentin and some people had horror stories and some did not. When I went to get off ( I was on a low does) I had only minor anxiety and that was it. If I thought it was going to be another benzo hell then it might of. I guess what i am saying is that we can make ourselves sick by assimilating other problems ( which are the minority ). Must all people 99 % my addiction specialist says wil be healed by 18 months with the great majority by 12 months.

 

healing is non linear so you may be feeling like the worst wave and then bingo you enter the next window in a week that lasts a lifetime. That is how he explained it.

 

God bless you all and ( without getting too religious her)  yes ask Him to heal you. Have the faith that God will and it will happen. I had many people pray for me 30 days ago and I just believed that within 45 days I would be healed and I just accepted it. Things have ben much better since that day. I know how hard faith is if you do not have faith ( Im agnostic in waves as everything is so dark) but faith is the belief in things not seen yet. We are all healing!

life

[[He...]]

Headlamp here Peace!  Ok so today I am writing about entering a wave and then a window in the final stages of healing. I praying it is the final stages. I came to my georgia home with no structure ( already scared I would not know what to do with myself) and found a garden out of control with a dirty home and my wife and kids are coming on tuesday. So what do I do I want to get it all done right away within two days ( this is my old self and not a great trait). Completely unrealistic! But that doesn't matter I am going to take charge of my newfound productivity and for two days I went at it! My chainsaw broke, the hoses did not work, one dog bit another and I found a pool of blood in the garage  ( turned out to be nothing but was just as scary), I had to clean all the blood, I could not fix anything as when I tried I got impatient and could not deal with anything and thought I was a failure  and then pow -- the feelings of a wave overcame me. I mean deep depression caused by a lack of self esteem that only benzos can do to us. 1.) I did way to much ( shoudl have been a possitive as I actually can do things now!) but 2. ) I beat the shit out of myself because I knew the universe was out to get me.  :idiot:How else could I explain the weirdness of everything not working?!!! When I started to get that depressive thinking and feeling I thought "Oh no not a wave" and so I decided to go to sleep at 9 and sleep it off. I woke with early morning anxiety and thought oh shit NOT a wave all day? It fathers day!!!!!!! Oh no. Instead of panicking as I would always do I decided to go out in the garden and finish what I had started ( I pushed myself as I really did not want to do it. I was depressed). Well I got under control the garden ( it is butchered in places but oh well) and then went to the grocery store with my 14  year old ( the only one that is here with me). Then I started thinking?

 

 

What if I just decided to thank God for this new found productivity instead of focussing on what I do not have? If it is a true wave I could not influence it that much ( you still can) but if I mislabeled it and it was not a true wave then maybe I can enter into a window. Bingo! I started thinking of gratitude rather than thinking the world was out to get me ( poor little me  ). I started thinking of what went right today and bingo a wave disappeared ( it was definitely a previous wave as the feeling of depression was big) and a window appeared. The point of this story is that I am in the late stages of great healing ( I am concerned about the newfound depression I get from time to time that lasts days) and in the late stages you can create a wave by thinking that the same old overwhelmed feelings comes back and you feel you can do anything and that you are useless ( but when I looked back I got a shitload down the past three days) and I started down my same old negative thinking from trivial things not going my way AND now I focused on the positive and here i am writing a long ass post. I am in a great window and I think I created it.  Maybe it not just  a window and I can just get stuck in a good life long window?. This whole w/d thing is brutal to all of us. Last night I thought if this continues I am checking myself in to a hospital or somewhere. I felt so let down. Today!!! Here I am writing you that everything will be great. I cant wait to get off this manic depression look alike poison called benzo w/d.

 

The whole point of this email is that we all must do our part to push ourselves whenever possible as this increases our moral and self esteem. And that is all good and may help you get into windows. We are all going to heal and i will be here until I write my success story and more.

 

life

 

Life,

This is amazing!  I think you are spot on.  :smitten: :thumbsup:

Thank you for your continued bright light! 

 

I wonder if depression is common during the late stages of healing? I am a bit concerned about what has popped up for me, too.  However, I believe as you do that we must push ourselves whenever possible, as this more often than not opens up a window. 

 

Enjoy your vacation time, and happy Father's Day. 

[[li...]]

meant, NOT "she/she have other issues?" BUT She/he... Sorry

[[li...]]

Healing are you having depression late stages?  I think and hope its the minds way of taking care of itself after a horrific experience. Did yours come lately or did you have it before?

 

life

[[He...]]

Healing are you having depression late stages?  I think and hope its the minds way of taking care of itself after a horrific experience. Did yours come lately or did you have it before?

 

life

 

I am, and it is a new thing.  I've not have depression before, other than regular "bluesy" type days.  It's popped up in the past 2 weeks and brings with it a tiredness that I normally don't have.  It comes and goes throughout the day, and I can pull myself out of it by making myself do things, so I think that it is recovery based.  Although, I do recognize that the end of the school year (lack of structure and not as many distractions) and our housing situation is surely making it worse. 

Is yours a new thing or have you dealt with depression before?

[[li...]]

Healing are you having depression late stages?  I think and hope its the minds way of taking care of itself after a horrific experience. Did yours come lately or did you have it before?

 

life

 

I am, and it is a new thing.  I've not have depression before, other than regular "bluesy" type days.  It's popped up in the past 2 weeks and brings with it a tiredness that I normally don't have.  It comes and goes throughout the day, and I can pull myself out of it by making myself do things, so I think that it is recovery based.  Although, I do recognize that the end of the school year (lack of structure and not as many distractions) and our housing situation is surely making it worse. 

Is yours a new thing or have you dealt with depression before?

 

That is a question that is mixed for -- did I have depression before? Ive been on benzos 32 years and I have had depression while on benzos from time to time. But this depression is darker for me. I was a very productive go getter with allot of ambitions and I always had something to do so i guess I never really had a chance to be depressed. I have always had anxiety issues but the interesting thing about w/d is that it has forced me to take CBT which I am grateful for and i am much better on the anxiety side ( did I really say that just now?) Funny thing about healing is that it goes so slow you simply do not realize how much better you are. wow! Happy healing.

 

life

[[je...]]

Hi everyone! Life~ this exact sort of thing happened to me this weekend. I have always loved decorating, but haven't had any interest in it at all the last few years for obvious reasons. Well I decided to paint my office, hang some new decorations, had my hubby do some projects for me too. The good news is I had the ambition and motivation to do all these things but the day of painting I started to have a major panic attack. All of a sudden all the "change" hit me, my house was a mess, I wasn't sure I could get all the painting done before my boys came home, a few of the projects I had for my husband were not coming together right, a bookcase I ordered came and it was the wrong one. Basically I COULD not handle all the stress and I started to panic about going into a wave. Well I did have INTENSE anxiety for 2 days, BUT I got through it and I did A LOT and in the end everything worked out. I do realize now that I am still extremely sensitive to stress, so I cant over do it too much. I do feel like I take on more than I used to be capable of, but I sometimes think I can do more than I really can. We are all getting there! ~Jenny

[[li...]]

Jenny ver interesting and similar experience. If you think about it -- having a wave in normal terms is a traumatic experience. Is it not unreasonable that fear of waves is something we have to overcome even as we heal. I mean fearing entering a wave is something that can bring on panic. The good news is that as we start getting experiences where we can have stress and no wave or a small wave then the brain starts to registers that we are ok. Healing is partly cognitive therapy don't you think? We have t work this out even as the brain starts overcoming the w/d?. Huh. Happy healing!

 

life

[[He...]]

Life and Jenny,

Similar experience for me, too.  This weekend I have been dreading writing the paper that is due tonight for my masters, and the thought of sitting down to write it while in a wave was overwhelming.  Well, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak, and I am currently 6 pages in and working on my conclusion. And, even better, I am feeling GOOD right now!  Zero anxiety, zero depression, zero dread for tomorrow....

I think there is a LOT to be said for Nike's motto:  Just Do It! 

 

OK...back to the conclusion of "Diagnostic Checkpoint: A Summative Assessment Evaluation". 

[[pe...]]

Healinghope- Physical activity is so much easier for me than mental activity at the moment. So, you my dear are a total rock star for writing 6 pages on a scholarly topic!

 

[move]HealingHope is almost finished with her paper and she feels good! Yahoo![/move]

 

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... third day of very rough weathering ... reading posts ... listening ... enduring ... doing my thing ...

 

 

[[wh...]]

Hey guys is this fear of dying just withdrawal?  I have the weirdest dreams too.  They leave me feeling scared and unable to feel good again.  Will this pass soon? Sorry but I am so scared today. Everything is the worst case scenario.  My brain just takes it and goes to the worst place it can. It's horrible. Have you all felt like this. 

It's so not true but it feels real.

[[pe...]]

Hi Whootwhoot,

I've been having terrible problems with intrusive thoughts and constant fear. It's really the first time in this whole process where I've found myself thinking, " A little Xanax would make this all better." Of course that would only extend this nightmare. But the benzo thought tells me this is part of the healing process. I am trying to exercise, distract and keep moving forward. It's all part of the deal and it's awful. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that you're not alone. We will get through this!

 

Peace2

[[wh...]]

Thanks Peace

It's so hard today. I'll keep up the good fight and hope it passes..stupid thoughts; stealing my now.  I have so many good things in my life....it feels like sabotage.  My brain and body trying to get me to take that little pill.  OMG.

Hope you are well.  I feel so hopeless right now;....but also a glimmer of hope.....at the same time...WTF!