6-12 month thread....

[[63...]]

Hi everyone,

I just want to let all those who are suffering in the 9-12 month range that it is completely normal. I had probably the worst wave I ever had at the 9/10 month mark. It felt like a huge setback and I felt like I was starting month 1 all over again. Honestly it took me a few months to get back to baseline, but I felt much better at the 12 month mark. You are all so very close, so try not to get discouraged -- you are healing even when you don't feel it. I know how tired and frustrated your all feeling right now, I felt exactly the same way, these are tough months your in right now-- it gets better so keep hanging on 

 

Bless you jenny! thanks for thanks for posting. Like marj says, I still find it amazing how much reassurance we need in order to see this through.

[[63...]]

marj, I completely understand. while i wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, I am at the same time relieved to know that I am not alone in going through this.

I'm so pleased to hear that you had a chance to speak with Baylissa. For me, it was the first time that I spoke with someone who has gone through withdrawal and thus relate to what I was saying. She is a remarkable woman who I feel is dong saint-like work. I too have been getting a lot out of her most recent youtube video.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, marj. We will get through this, somehow, some way! I'm off for a walk myself now. -R.

[[mr...]]

Hi there, 6-12 monthers!

 

I posted this over on the 12-18 month thread, but thought I'd bring it over here for those of you who don't read that thread

 

Love to you all - we are healing every second of every day! It is miraculous

 

Mrs.

 

 

 

 

Heya gang,

 

A much better feeling Mrs comin' at ya! A big thank you to all who picked me up, in thoughts/prayers/postings, the past few days - it helped!

 

Mr and I just got back in town from helping my dad host my stepmom's surprise retirement party. It went great, and she was totally surprised! We took a bunch of ideas from Pinterest and had some neat decorations and activities to do - what a hoot! Like, one of them was we had a little sand bucket (like you use at the beach) with some cute note cards & pens sitting next to it, for everyone to write down some "bucket list" ideas & suggestions for her to do! I also made a large wall clock that had the numbers scattered at the bottom, like they'd "fallen" down, and the words across the back of the clock read: "Whatever - I'm retired!!" We had bundles of Dum-Dum suckers with little cards attached that had one of three phrases written: "Work sucks!" (get it? - Dum-Dums are suckers? Mr had to explain it to me - benzo brain!), "Free-Dum!", and "Work is for dum-dums!" We also made a gift basket for her that had a bottle of wine and a wine glass that I customized with the phrase written on it: "Retirement: Goodbye tension, hello pension!" I also included some trail mix with a note card attached: "Happy trails to you!" We blew up 30 balloons and had them sitting all over the table & floors, for fun - and by "we" blew them up, I mean ANYONE else but me haha!! I'd possibly get dizzy or something, so no blowing up balloons for Mrs!

 

My favorite thing we did, by far, was: I took a large white rectangular stiff poster board and made it look like a large lifesized polaroid picture frame. On the bottom of it, I wrote "Mom's Retirement Party 2015". I then brought a bunch of goofy & fun props - like super sized clown glasses, feather boas, fake mustaches, silly hats, fake money, Mardi Gras beads, etc - and I had each person pick out 2-3 props to put on/use. Then, one by one, I had them sit in front of a backdrop cloth we hung and hold the fake polaroid poster board in front if them, like they're in a picture frame. And I snapped a photo!!! So, we got a picture of everyone that came to the party (minus two picture haters!) that I'll print out and put in a scrap book for her to remember the day with It was super fun, and the pictures turned out great!

 

For food, we did a taco bar, with a fresh fruit tray, fresh vegetable tray, meat & cheese & crackers tray, and my dad had a special sheet cake made for dessert. Hawaiian punch & sodas for drinks, along with too much ice cream So delicious! All in all, it was a great time I'd say that for 97-99% of the time, I did not have ANY thoughts about withdrawal & such. Wow! That felt GOOD Just a couple moments - and I do mean only momentary - of anxiety, like when we piled into the room to wait to hollar "Surprise!" But I believe it was probably just excitement that my CNS simply misread for a moment It passed almost the second it came, so no big deal

 

All was GREAT!

 

And now, Mr & I are cozied up at home & I am snuggled up underneath a warm fuzzy blanket (Mr calls it "lamb inferno" haha!) and dozing off to watching YouTube four wheeling videos (totally Mr's thing, I'm just a good "supportive" wifey ). Good day here, gang I thank the Lord for this! Hooray

 

Okay, time to be done for now Happy Sunday night to you all!

 

Mrs.

[[ci...]]

marj and robert, what is the name of Baylissa's new youtube video? Thanks

[[Lo...]]

marj, I completely understand. while i wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, I am at the same time relieved to know that I am not alone in going through this.

I'm so pleased to hear that you had a chance to speak with Baylissa. For me, it was the first time that I spoke with someone who has gone through withdrawal and thus relate to what I was saying. She is a remarkable woman who I feel is dong saint-like work. I too have been getting a lot out of her most recent youtube video.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, marj. We will get through this, somehow, some way! I'm off for a walk myself now. -R.

 

Hey Crew, I hope all is well. Jenny I want to thank you for coming on here and cheering us along. Echoing from my other friends here I feel like I need constant reassurance that this is going to go away. I had a slight episode in the bathroom this morning and got scared in regards to my balance and that brought on the heart palpitations. I just feel like it's never going to end. But in the same breath I woke up this morning feeling more refreshed instead of waking up fatigued. I just gotta trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.

 

Mrs. I'm so glad to hear that you had an exciting weekend and that you are healing.

 

anyway I'm going to go and finish up breakfast & my morning routine. Thank God today is a federal holiday. And its back off to the races tomorrow. Everyone take care and I pray that in the months to follow these symptoms ease up and eventually fade away from us because we all deserve healing and restoration.

[[...]]

marj and robert, what is the name of Baylissa's new youtube video? Thanks

 

Hi Cindy

 

It is called benzo & antidepressant withdrawal - peace in the storm.  Really helpful

 

 

This horribleness continues - Really trying to stay positive but I'm back to thinking I'm never going to get through this. I just can't handle stress, even small things that come with teenagers. It's like my life is over if anything goes wrong and my thoughts just go crazy. The thing is I've done this pretty much on my own for years and produced 2 wonderful kids and dealt with a lot on the way like a trouper. A little argument now turns into a major one and then it's a catostrope.

Is this really down to recovery from valium?  I've just felt rubbish for so long now, even when I've felt a bit better, not a proper window. I know everyone is suffering, it's just I feel recently that I'm kidding myself when I say I'm healing. I wonder if I'll ever be happy and content again. Sorry to be a whinger but you know when you feel like you're clinging on with your finger tips.  :'( At work, not able to concentrate much.

[[mr...]]

This horribleness continues - Really trying to stay positive but I'm back to thinking I'm never going to get through this.

 

This -- THIS right here -- was exactly where I found myself, over and over again, probably hundreds of times per day (in the same day!), for a stretch of about 5-6 months. In the "soup", it sure felt longer than that - I'm actually standing here right now a bit shocked that it wasn't "years" of feeling this way, after doing the math on the number of days!

 

It was particularly frustrating to me, because I felt like I'd spend so, so much time to rebuild my hope, faith, confidence, & 'resilience' to fear...only to have it **BAM** swept out from under me! It felt like it would happen in a moment's notice, and for NO reason -- it was SO NOT FAIR! At least that's how I felt. Then, I'm back at the grindstone again - spending hours/days/weeks to 'rebuild' myself again. Oh, not to mention also spinning the plate of coping with the "soup" when I was in it, at the same time I was 'rebuilding'. Yeeshk! I likened it to trying to build a house during a hurricane! Lol! It can be done, but yeowzas!

 

I just can't handle stress, even small things that come with teenagers. It's like my life is over if anything goes wrong and my thoughts just go crazy.

 

Marj, I wanted to address this specifically because I think it's one of the common "benzo lies" so many experience. The part in bolded letters you described it so well. For me, I would feel this "deep" or "dark" feeling that felt like "you're done for" practically anytime something "stimulating" happened, which could be stress, intense emotions (including "good" emotions), noises, sights (like flashing lights or fast moving visuals), etc. It was hard to "fight" or "convince" my "brain" that everything was FINE - sometimes I could "win" the convincing argument, and other times I was like -- "FINE, STUPID benzo brain -- if I'm 'done', then I'm 'done' - I ain't giving into fear - F U, YOU'RE done!" I likened my benzo brain to a stubborn BRATTY three-year-old throwing a mondo temper tantrum to get his/her way. I may be "old school", but sometimes you just gotta bend that brat over and "tan" some hyde, lol! It ain't gettin' its way!!

 

I would encourage you to take some time and read some of Northofhere's posts during her first year off. DANG, Marj - I am telling you like a friend; we thought we had it rough? Mmm. The BEST part (IMO) is that she didn't change a darn thing about her life...while tapering, or acute withdrawal, or post-withdrawal...she worked fulltime (WITH a 1-hour commute one way to a big city each day), traveled, finished grad school, had medical procedures done, etc etc etc...all while experiencing all that! Whoa - she amazed me!

 

I have to clock back in from lunch, but I'll be back to address the remainder of your post In the mean time, you're doing EVERYTHING right and you're doing great! Hang loose today Love to you,

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

This horribleness continues - Really trying to stay positive but I'm back to thinking I'm never going to get through this.

 

This -- THIS right here -- was exactly where I found myself, over and over again, probably hundreds of times per day (in the same day!), for a stretch of about 5-6 months. In the "soup", it sure felt longer than that - I'm actually standing here right now a bit shocked that it wasn't "years" of feeling this way, after doing the math on the number of days!

 

It was particularly frustrating to me, because I felt like I'd spend so, so much time to rebuild my hope, faith, confidence, & 'resilience' to fear...only to have it **BAM** swept out from under me! It felt like it would happen in a moment's notice, and for NO reason -- it was SO NOT FAIR! At least that's how I felt. Then, I'm back at the grindstone again - spending hours/days/weeks to 'rebuild' myself again. Oh, not to mention also spinning the plate of coping with the "soup" when I was in it, at the same time I was 'rebuilding'. Yeeshk! I likened it to trying to build a house during a hurricane! Lol! It can be done, but yeowzas!

 

I just can't handle stress, even small things that come with teenagers. It's like my life is over if anything goes wrong and my thoughts just go crazy.

 

Marj, I wanted to address this specifically because I think it's one of the common "benzo lies" so many experience. The part in bolded letters you described it so well. For me, I would feel this "deep" or "dark" feeling that felt like "you're done for" practically anytime something "stimulating" happened, which could be stress, intense emotions (including "good" emotions), noises, sights (like flashing lights or fast moving visuals), etc. It was hard to "fight" or "convince" my "brain" that everything was FINE - sometimes I could "win" the convincing argument, and other times I was like -- "FINE, STUPID benzo brain -- if I'm 'done', then I'm 'done' - I ain't giving into fear - F U, YOU'RE done!" I likened my benzo brain to a stubborn BRATTY three-year-old throwing a mondo temper tantrum to get his/her way. I may be "old school", but sometimes you just gotta bend that brat over and "tan" some hyde, lol! It ain't gettin' its way!!

 

I would encourage you to take some time and read some of Northofhere's posts during her first year off. DANG, Marj - I am telling you like a friend; we thought we had it rough? Mmm. The BEST part (IMO) is that she didn't change a darn thing about her life...while tapering, or acute withdrawal, or post-withdrawal...she worked fulltime (WITH a 1-hour commute one way to a big city each day), traveled, finished grad school, had medical procedures done, etc etc etc...all while experiencing all that! Whoa - she amazed me!

 

I have to clock back in from lunch, but I'll be back to address the remainder of your post In the mean time, you're doing EVERYTHING right and you're doing great! Hang loose today Love to you,

 

Mrs.

 

Oh Mrs, you have such kindness and compassion, together with such insight and wisdom.  I can relate to so much you are saying……. The rebuilding whilst in the thick soup, also feeling the ‘not fairness’ when there has been so much to endure already and the effect it also has on the ones dear to you……..maybe there is a sense and purpose in this somewhere.  Maybe we have to become so fragile to therefore gain new strength.  Maybe we deal with this to build a new layer of strength to our character we didn’t realize we needed and/or to learn to be kinder to ourselves, who knows?

 

We survive another day and sometimes the next day or even that day turns out a little easier than it began. I felt ok last night, it was one of those if this continues, I’ll be better soon moments. I ate some dates as I cannot tolerate much sugar since all this (how I miss chocolate, cake etc.). I thought I was being healthy, not realizing the amount of sugar in dates. Oh my, I went off to bed quite happy although I did notice some dizziness. An unpleasant night to say the least of little sleep, restless legs and slight benzo flu feelings. Another lesson learned. I made it to work (reluctant pat on back)and my body has calmed down a bit – tingles, heavy head, stiffness, feel like I need a good oiling! Mood not too bad however I am aware it could switch depending on anything really. Oh I seem to get an on and off burning mouth – what on earth is that about lol?   A day off tomorrow, where without making firm plans, I am hoping to take my daughter to York. I know I will be fine when I get there, just the drive on a busy motorway – done it before. 

 

May I say you sound in a good way; I do hope so. I read your posts with interest and get a sense of a lovely person behind them, with a lot of guts. I will take the time to read of Northfhere’s journey as it sounds very positive. Thank you for your words, much love and respect to you. 

 

Catherine

 

[[Lo...]]

Hi everyone, praying all is well. I guess its my turn. I'm having a challenging day with shortness of breath. I feel like my diaphragm can't fill up with enough air and I'm a little bloated. Sigh.

 

Pray it will pass soon.

 

Thanks everyone.

[[Lo...]]

Update...I digested some apple cider vinegar because I was told it helps out with certain areas of health. Well in my case it backfired causing the shortness of breath, diaphragm stuff, weak legs, etc! No more of that 

 

Today the anxiety is a bit high and I was a little shaky. I keep telling myself this is a wave and it will all pass away soon.

 

Praying all of you are having a good Friday. Praying daily that we are symptom free soon. 

[[...]]

Update...I digested some apple cider vinegar because I was told it helps out with certain areas of health. Well in my case it backfired causing the shortness of breath, diaphragm stuff, weak legs, etc! No more of that 

 

Today the anxiety is a bit high and I was a little shaky. I keep telling myself this is a wave and it will all pass away soon.

 

Praying all of you are having a good Friday. Praying daily that we are symptom free soon. 

 

Hey LM,

 

it’s been quiet on here recently. It’s amazing what we will consume or do to try to make ourselves feel better. I guess it’s time that will heal us and patience. The thing is it’s the amount of time!!!! I’m with you with the anxiety and shakiness, it’s exhausting. My 2 kids are away until tomorrow and that is making the anxiety high as I’m not good on my own. I was NEVER like this before, I don’t understand, there’s just this awful fear.  Yesterday was ok, not great but ok. I'm still at work winging it and been struggling with breathe too 

It can only get better for us. Hope you feel better soon

[[Lo...]]

Update...I digested some apple cider vinegar because I was told it helps out with certain areas of health. Well in my case it backfired causing the shortness of breath, diaphragm stuff, weak legs, etc! No more of that 

 

Today the anxiety is a bit high and I was a little shaky. I keep telling myself this is a wave and it will all pass away soon.

 

Praying all of you are having a good Friday. Praying daily that we are symptom free soon. 

 

Hey LM,

 

it’s been quiet on here recently. It’s amazing what we will consume or do to try to make ourselves feel better. I guess it’s time that will heal us and patience. The thing is it’s the amount of time!!!! I’m with you with the anxiety and shakiness, it’s exhausting. My 2 kids are away until tomorrow and that is making the anxiety high as I’m not good on my own. I was NEVER like this before, I don’t understand, there’s just this awful fear.  Yesterday was ok, not great but ok. I'm still at work winging it and been struggling with breathe too 

It can only get better for us. Hope you feel better soon

 

Thank you marj, hang in there, Try to enjoy the evening to yourself. Here is a great success story. There are a few that I read today and they were so encouraging:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=125784.0

 

May peace be with you. Praying we turn the corner soon.

[[So...]]

Hi guys, having a rough day.  I had a great day 24 hours ago.  These swings are sooo hard.  Just need some support from my friends here who understand. 

[[63...]]

Hi guys, having a rough day.  I had a great day 24 hours ago.  These swings are sooo hard.  Just need some support from my friends here who understand.

 

Sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time of it! It is so frustrating to Not be able to anticipate when symptoms will flare up again. Hang in there. I'm with you too in having another rough day. I just have to continue to place faith in that which has seen me through this far, and know that it will see me through to the end. Meanwhile, I'm trying to do my best to cope by distraction, nurturing, etc....

 

 

[[Lo...]]

Hi guys, having a rough day.  I had a great day 24 hours ago.  These swings are sooo hard.  Just need some support from my friends here who understand.

 

Sorry you're having a rough time. Its been quite a moment. I thought I turned the corner in December to only get slammed at the end of January, been in a wave since. It truly sucks. Hang in there. We have to get through.

[[Jo...]]

As of yesterday I hit the six month mark...so I am happy to say I can join this thread. For the most part, I think I'm doing okay, although I just got off of my antidepressant two days ago (10 mgs of Lexapro), so hopefully I can at least not go backwards.

 

The biggest thing I'm experiencing is fatigue and anxiety...it's almost more of the fatigue than anything else. I tend to go to sleep okay, but wake up several times during the night and wake up pretty early in the morning - like once it get's light out. So during the day I'm sleepy. I work only two days a week, so I often get a chance to nap. Today I took an hour nap and it felt great, but wanted to keep on sleeping. I sit here and still feel tired...no motivation or drive. Blah!

 

I keep a relatively clean diet - no sugar, gluten or processed foods (for the most part). I eat organic when I can and stay away from caffeine and alcohol. I take supplements, fish oil, vitamins D, K, C, CoQ10, magnesium, and a probiotic. I should exercise more than I do, but I'm kind of taking things one step at a time...and slowly.

 

Hope I can offer support to anyone who needs/wants it.

 

Hugs,

Joney

[[63...]]

Joney, welcome and congrats on being 6 months off! Double celebration on having weened yourself off of the SSRI...both huge accomplishments!

 

[[Jo...]]

Thank you, Robert.

[[Lo...]]

Thank you, Robert.

 

Hi Joney! Welcome to the thread! Folks here are very loving & supportive! Also happy 6 months off!

 

Congrats for getting off the anti depressant!

 

[[Wo...]]

Welcome Joney! 6 months is a huge milestone.

[[Jo...]]

Thank you LovingMother and Wondernova...it's really nice to be here! I can't believe I've made it this far!! 

[[Lo...]]

Thank you LovingMother and Wondernova...it's really nice to be here! I can't believe I've made it this far!! 

 

Believe it! You made it to a half a year! Its a great group, I've learned a lot from folks on here. One thing for sure...this is all making us stronger, wiser, more humble, empathetic...you name it! I already thought I was strong and humble...sheesh! This journey (and Lyme Disease) has changed my life!

[[So...]]

It's been quiet in here.  How's everyone doing?  I'm currently riding some rough waves in month 9.  Strong morning anxiety.  Also very sensitive to any stress,  no matter how small. 

[[Jo...]]

Being the newbie on this thread, I'll tell you where I'm at. Although I just got off of an antidepressant as well, so I'm not sure what feelings are coming from where. I'm waking up quite a few times during the night which leaves me fatigued during the day. Sometimes I can catch a nap, most times I don't. I have anxiety pretty much 24/7, but it varies from really bad to completely manageable. Most times it's manageable...thank the good Lord! 

 

 

[[Lo...]]

It's been quiet in here.  How's everyone doing?  I'm currently riding some rough waves in month 9.  Strong morning anxiety.  Also very sensitive to any stress,  no matter how small.

 

SoCaler, I'm praying that month 10 turns for the better for us. My God month 9 has been the pits  :'( just riding the waves the best way I know how. Hang in there.