6-12 month thread....

[[ci...]]

drew, so happy for you. Yippie!

[[Wo...]]

Hey folks. I'm now at 6 months off so I thought I would join your group. I'm really happy I've made it this far, but I can tell I have a very long way to go. I look forward to reading about others experiences and comparing notes. I hope 2015 brings good health to everyone here.

[[No...]]

Wondernova ... welcome ... good news ... six months is a milestone for many of us ... we tick them off our calendar ... enjoy them as we can ... and move on through the time of our healing ...

 

[[ci...]]

wondernova, welcome.....glad you are with us.

[[So...]]

Hi guys, need some encouragement and reassurance today.  I felt really low and anxious yesterday but still was able to watch my 9 and 10 year old daughters yesterday at home all day.  My wife works at a major medical center and is in charge of training the new employees.  So Wednesday and yesterday she worked about 9 or 10 hours each day.

 

This morning I am still very down and sensitive to any input.  My wife brought up the fact that she worked long hours the last 2 days and also came home and made dinner last night.  She had hoped I would do it.  I understand her perspective.

 

From my perspective I did literally everything I could muster the energy to do yesterday.  Besides watching our girls I fed our horses and our dogs, as well as check on our chicken coop.  I don't know how to explain it other than to say doing choirs is a MAJOR trigger for me.  The entire time I'm doing it I ant to run away and my mind is racing.  Cooking a meal is extreme torture as I'm obsessing if I'm doing it right, etc.  It's a catch-22 because then I hate myself for not helping more.  You guys are the only ones I can say that to and won't think I'm crazy.

 

So when I feel the energy from my wife that she's mad with me it crushes my spirit and makes me feel utterly hopeless and loath myself.  Anyone beingmad at me right now in withdrawal is brutal.

 

I could use some reassurance.  I'm a nice caring and hard working person but when it comes to chores and domestic responsibilities I'm not as helpful as she'd like me to be.  What makes this worse is that before benzos I was never a big helper or chore person.  I was brought up with a doting mom who did almost everything for me so I'm not accustomed to it.  I do MUCH more than I used to. 

 

I am MUCH MUCH MUCH more comfortable at my commercial real estate business I own and make very good money at that.  I'm not afraid of working hard there.  At home though I dread doing choirs.  At home I feel very alone even with my family by my side.  I picked up this feeling growing up as my dad was an alcoholic and gone often.  I would be home with my brother and mom.  My friends all lived in the next town over (I went to private christian schools).  I would get up in my head and feel all alone inside.  Hard to type this as it brings those painful memories back.

[[Lo...]]

Okay...had my initial consultation with the cardiologist. My anxiety was through the roof.  Chest pains, high bp, racing heart. Ugh...  He was great.  He spent an hour with me!  I never had any dr spend that long.  He wasn't benzo wise but he didn't dismiss me as a wacko.  He reviewed everything and said my last stress test in February was great.  My heart was in the top 10% in strength for my age bracket.  He was even more impressed that it looked that good during this mess.  He was concerned about my high ldl.  He said given my past results he usually wouldn't schedule any other tests. 

 

I asked about my other doc s aring the shit out of me by telling me not to exercise too hard and of his concern of the t wave change. The cardio doc said it was a non specific t wave which means it means nothing specific at all. he said go out and jog.

 

He ordered the stress test and a calcium test just to reassure me.  He is very confident I have a great heart.  I have the test tomorrow. 

 

He said if my calcium test comes back just okay he would recommend a statin.  He was very honest on what he knew and agreed ithat the medical community is slow to change. Especially on dietary stuff.

 

When he told me he thought I was very healthy I broke down. It was embarrassing.  I didn't think I was still under so much stress from this but a wave of relief swept over me.  I still have the tests but I find them to be a formality(hopefully)

 

Still have breathing and chest pain but now I can truly ignore it. I will repost to where my buddies post. 

 

Yay Drew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you!! Healing is happening!!!!!!!!!! It sure is!

[[mr...]]

Hi guys, need some encouragement and reassurance today.  I felt really low and anxious yesterday but still was able to watch my 9 and 10 year old daughters yesterday at home all day.  My wife works at a major medical center and is in charge of training the new employees.  So Wednesday and yesterday she worked about 9 or 10 hours each day.

 

This morning I am still very down and sensitive to any input.  My wife brought up the fact that she worked long hours the last 2 days and also came home and made dinner last night.  She had hoped I would do it.  I understand her perspective.

 

From my perspective I did literally everything I could muster the energy to do yesterday.  Besides watching our girls I fed our horses and our dogs, as well as check on our chicken coop.  I don't know how to explain it other than to say doing choirs is a MAJOR trigger for me.  The entire time I'm doing it I ant to run away and my mind is racing.  Cooking a meal is extreme torture as I'm obsessing if I'm doing it right, etc.  It's a catch-22 because then I hate myself for not helping more.  You guys are the only ones I can say that to and won't think I'm crazy.

 

So when I feel the energy from my wife that she's mad with me it crushes my spirit and makes me feel utterly hopeless and loath myself.  Anyone beingmad at me right now in withdrawal is brutal.

 

I could use some reassurance.  I'm a nice caring and hard working person but when it comes to chores and domestic responsibilities I'm not as helpful as she'd like me to be.  What makes this worse is that before benzos I was never a big helper or chore person.  I was brought up with a doting mom who did almost everything for me so I'm not accustomed to it.  I do MUCH more than I used to. 

 

I am MUCH MUCH MUCH more comfortable at my commercial real estate business I own and make very good money at that.  I'm not afraid of working hard there.  At home though I dread doing choirs.  At home I feel very alone even with my family by my side.  I picked up this feeling growing up as my dad was an alcoholic and gone often.  I would be home with my brother and mom.  My friends all lived in the next town over (I went to private christian schools).  I would get up in my head and feel all alone inside.  Hard to type this as it brings those painful memories back.

 

SoCaler, I'm sending you a hug -->

 

I think, whether we like to admit it or not, us women generally like to feel 'taken care of' by our guys.  And I think guys innately feel the need to 'take care of' their wives and families.  I think that this is somewhat "born" in us, to a certain degree (take a read of the book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and/or "Captivating" by his wife, Stasi -- it'll knock your socks off!!).  So I can completely understand why you both would be feeling the way you do.  In our household, the roles were reversed (in that I, the female, was the benzo withdrawaler, and my spouse, the male, was the supportive significant other), but I can share with you some things that have helped us along this benzo healing journey.  Perhaps there are a few things that can help you

 

One thing that I found myself needing to do more often was to reassure my spouse that this was all temporary.  And, we both had to realize that it wasn't "temporary" in the sense of the word like we were used to hearing it -- meaning, it lasts a day or a week or so -- but it was more of a 'long-term temporary'.  With 'short-term temporary', most of us do not adjust our lifestyles/habits/thought processes/roles/etc, because with a short-term temporary situation, it's over almost as soon as it started -- so "waiting it out" is a viable option.  However, just as we found along the way, 'long-term temporary' situations do require some adjustments to lifestyles/habits/thought processes/roles/etc, because if the situation can last 6-12-18-24 months, some of the responsibilities/needs/etc of life simply cannot wait that long to be fulfilled, if that makes sense?  So I/he/we needed constant reminders that, although it was a 'long-term temporary' situation, it was still temporary.

 

Another thing we discovered, namely after we realized that this was going to be a longer-termed temporary situation, was that we needed to communicate -- often -- about some changes we needed to make.  There was a time where doing simple tasks were much more challenging than previous, so we'd need to communicate frequently about things that needed to be done.  We found a rhythm in talking about what needed to be done for the week, the Sunday before that week began.  We found that it was important to my spouse that I made it a point not to commit to something that I wouldn't follow through on.  I think this was important to us, because it kept me from becoming unreliable for him, and it also made me think about what I was committing to before agreed to do it (I am a much better calendar-planner for myself these days because of it, too, I think).  And, there were some weeks where I'd only commit to doing two things that whole week.  And, there were some weeks where my husband was dissapointed with what I was willing to commit to, admittedly.  BUT -- we found that, for us, me being accountable to my word was more important than me committing to do things that I wouldn't be able to do when the time came -- this mattered to HIM.  So, that is what we did.  Me agreeing to stick to doing whatever I committed to also got me up and OUT and NOT giving in to fear, which I greatly appreciated.  Even while I was in my worst of withdrawals (agoraphopic, panicky, anxious, nauseated, etc etc etc), I would still go and do XYZ because I'd already told my husband that I would.  In hindsight, I cannot express to you how good that was for me to do, even though it was sometimes incredibly difficult for me to do at the time.

 

One last thing also.  When we were discussing the daily tasks that needed to be done, I asked my husband what were his "top 3" things that would mean the most to him if I got them done.  For him, it was laundry, dishes, and working.  So I made it a very strong point to make sure that the first three things that got taken care of each day was working my job, laundry, and dishes.  After those three things were done, if I had energy left, then I would do other things too   I wasn't perfect, of course, but it gave me some focus and drive -- and it also showed my husband that he was important to me, every single day. 

 

These things may or may not help you, SoCaler.  I think that if you communicate with your girl - be open and honest BUT KIND at the same time -- it can help in some amazing ways   Us girls LOVE it when our spouses open up to us, you know?  Generally, for many of us ladies, our love languages tend to include "quality time" - which also includes quality/deep/connecting conversations

 

I hope this helps a bit   I need to head back to work at the moment -- have a great afternoon!

 

Mrs.

[[So...]]

Thanks mrs!

[[Lo...]]

Wondernova, congrats on being a half a year off. that's a huge accomplishment and welcome to the group there is a lot of loving and supportive people here.

 

SoCaler, my heart goes out to you that's a lot watching two kids let alone all the work you did I would be completely exhausted and not even have the strength to make dinner I'm so sorry your wife is not really understanding. I have friends like that, they don't understand how I feel or what I feel and they think I should be doing more or they believe I can do more. I am honestly doing all that I can and I'm sorry about your youth and how your father was an alcoholic and it brought back memories just pray that's all I can tell you to do and know that we're all here and we understand what you are going through. I'm proud of you, you're doing a lot and this is temporary and you will get through this...trust and believe!!!

[[Lo...]]

Hey everyone, I have a question...I've been having a lot of shortness of breath for the past two and a half or so weeks and it's starting to bother me a lot but it's very disturbing and I think I have some GI tract problems is this a part of withdrawal as well? I don't know I might need some assistance because I can't deal with all this shortness of breath for too much longer. my nutritionist told me to buy some probiotics to help out my digestive tract and maybe that will lessen the shortness of breath. I don't know I just hate that I have this symptom and it flared up after being kind of quiet for a while  :'(

[[Ba...]]

Ever since I went into withdrawal I hyperventilate. It's better now but it's like I take deep breathes. It drives my husband crazy. I'm not sure this helps but if you get back to me and describe in more detail what you're going through we can compare notes

[[Lo...]]

Ever since I went into withdrawal I hyperventilate. It's better now but it's like I take deep breathes. It drives my husband crazy. I'm not sure this helps but if you get back to me and describe in more detail what you're going through we can compare notes

 

Hi Bailey, I'm sorry you're going through this, it comes and goes its not 24 hours a day and I can be doing the simplest task like vacuuming my apartment which I just did and be out of breath or I have noticed after I move my bowels in the morning sorry for all the information that the shortness of breath and heart palpitations start up even just walking up and down the steps I'm winded but then I can do things like grocery shop and other things and be fine it's very sporadic.

 

I also have diaphragm spasms and sometimes it just doesn't feel like I have enough breath in my body if you know what I mean and then I can go hours or a day or two with easy breathing.

 

I also knew a part of it was anxiety and when I'm over stimulated the shortness of breath kicks in.

 

I've also been having a lot of heart palpitations now these are the same exact symptoms I had when I was about 3 or 4 months off and then all of a sudden it just stopped and now its back 

[[ci...]]

socaler, WDs can just wear us out and amplify everything. It is difficult for anyone to understand our Sxs unless they truly been thru it. Mrs. has the best advice. I just wanted you to know I understand. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are able to still run your business going thru WDs, that is an accomplishment. It is just going to take time for you to be able to do it all again. But you will get there. Often, i forget going thru this how hard it is on our spouses, too. And I have a very supportive husband. But I can tell I just wear him out, he is exhausted, too. Going thru WDs, for some reason force alot of memories of my past and my loved ones who have passed away always in my mind, like I am grieving all over again.

 

Just wanted you to know, I understand. It will pass. 2015 is our year for healing and recovery.

 

Lovingmother, I get the SOB and heart palps, too. They are unpredictable, i notice them more when I lay down. They are days, I am walking and get totally exhausted and have to sit down. They don't worry me anymore, so many of us seem to get them in WD.

 

Wishing us all healing and lots of windows.

[[So...]]

Thanks cindys, I so needed to hear that this morning at I'm feeling extra low.  We got this!

[[Lo...]]

socaler, WDs can just wear us out and amplify everything. It is difficult for anyone to understand our Sxs unless they truly been thru it. Mrs. has the best advice. I just wanted you to know I understand. Don't be too hard on yourself, you are able to still run your business going thru WDs, that is an accomplishment. It is just going to take time for you to be able to do it all again. But you will get there. Often, i forget going thru this how hard it is on our spouses, too. And I have a very supportive husband. But I can tell I just wear him out, he is exhausted, too. Going thru WDs, for some reason force alot of memories of my past and my loved ones who have passed away always in my mind, like I am grieving all over again.

 

Just wanted you to know, I understand. It will pass. 2015 is our year for healing and recovery.

 

Lovingmother, I get the SOB and heart palps, too. They are unpredictable, i notice them more when I lay down. They are days, I am walking and get totally exhausted and have to sit down. They don't worry me anymore, so many of us seem to get them in WD.

 

Wishing us all healing and lots of windows.

 

I'm so glad I have all of you I really do because you nailed it I will just walk across my apartment is feel winded and then there are days where I feel fine its so up and down like a rollercoaster. Thank you Cindy's!

 

SoCaler...we have no choice but to make it because this year he will be totally recovered and celebrating!!!!

 

My 40th birthday is this Friday. I was supposed to get together with several friends and have a birthday dinner well a couple of them started stressing me out so I felt the anxiety and the shortness of breath and the heart palpitations. I realized I'm just thankful to still be here...who needs added stress so I canceled the dinner and I'm going to have a date night with my 3 year old son and that alone brings tears of joy to my heart and soul. life is too short and we're going through enough as it is so be easy on yourself SoCaler and just know that you are doing the best that you can and I pray that one day your wife sees that as well everyday you make it is an accomplishment and you're one day closer to your total healing SoCaler.

 

Much love.

[[So...]]

Thanks LM. I'm feeling some better. I came of Celexa a few days ago and think that's what's messing with my head.

[[Wo...]]

Hi folks. Thanks for the warm welcome.

 

It sounds like I'm in a pretty similar place as most of you.

 

A general note on shortness of breath. Panic attacks and anxiety have been some of my worst symptoms through this, and shortness of breath comes with these things big time. Since the panic and anxiety have been gone for a few months now, so has the shortness of breath. I don't know how to make those things go away, but at least knowing what they are takes some of the fear out of it. I hope that's helpful to the folks that are dealing with that. As long as you've been given a clear bill of health from the doc, you can rest easy it's just anxiety.

[[Lo...]]

Hi folks. Thanks for the warm welcome.

 

It sounds like I'm in a pretty similar place as most of you.

 

A general note on shortness of breath. Panic attacks and anxiety have been some of my worst symptoms through this, and shortness of breath comes with these things big time. Since the panic and anxiety have been gone for a few months now, so has the shortness of breath. I don't know how to make those things go away, but at least knowing what they are takes some of the fear out of it. I hope that's helpful to the folks that are dealing with that. As long as you've been given a clear bill of health from the doc, you can rest easy it's just anxiety.

 

I had my heart checked out Dec 2013 by a cardio doc...I have Lyme Disease too and he said all looked fine thank God! It's a double edged sword for me, I had shortness of breath pre benzo due to Lyme, but with treatment it started easing up. Once I jumped it csame back with vengeance.

 

Now my neuro doc wants me to see a pulmonary doctor just to rule things out but I think its a mix of benzo w/d (big time) and left over Lyme. It's a package deal like you said (anxiety/panic/sob). I'm praying it all goes aways soon!

 

Stay tuned to what the pulmonary doc says...guarantee everything will be clear.

 

Oh and I have to get my annual MRI March 1st...they said they can give me Valium before I go in the machine...ummmmmmmmmmm no! No more benzos! I will cross that bridge later.

[[Se...]]

Hi.  I'm six months out.  Thought I'd join in here, perhaps to compare notes 

 

At six months out, here is what I am experiencing (from what I can remember  )

 

-  anxiety (mild to severe)

-  depression (mild to severe)

-  dp/dr (waaay better now than when in acute)

-  tinnitus & other ear symptoms

-  eye problems (nystagmus, floaters, blurriness, red dry eyes, white flashes in peripheral vision, etc.)

-  constipation (waxes and wanes)

-  minor visual & aural hallucinations

-  light sensitivity

-  restless legs (waxes and wanes)

-  numbness/coldness on forearms and under both knees

-  hot flashes & cold chills (waxes and wanes)

-  breathing problems (waxes and wanes)

-  cog fog

-  heart palps (seem to be leaving)

-  problems with short-term memory

-  uncontrollable rage

-  teeth & gum pain

-  TMJ pain (pre-existing TMJD, but w/d has intensified it)

-  apathy

 

I know there's likely more.  Probably good to have this written down as some kind of benchmark.

 

I hope everyone is continuing to see some improvement as the months roll by.

 

Serenity

[[Lo...]]

Hi.  I'm six months out.  Thought I'd join in here, perhaps to compare notes 

 

At six months out, here is what I am experiencing (from what I can remember  )

 

-  anxiety (mild to severe)

-  depression (mild to severe)

-  dp/dr (waaay better now than when in acute)

-  tinnitus & other ear symptoms

-  eye problems (nystagmus, floaters, blurriness, red dry eyes, white flashes in peripheral vision, etc.)

-  constipation (waxes and wanes)

-  minor visual & aural hallucinations

-  light sensitivity

-  restless legs (waxes and wanes)

-  numbness/coldness on forearms and under both knees

-  hot flashes & cold chills (waxes and wanes)

-  breathing problems (waxes and wanes)

-  cog fog

-  heart palps (seem to be leaving)

-  problems with short-term memory

-  uncontrollable rage

-  apathy

 

I know there's likely more.  Probably good to have this written down as some kind of benchmark.

 

I hope everyone is continuing to see some improvement as the months roll by.

 

Serenity

 

Welcome to the group! I'm glad some of your symptoms are fading...sorry about the rest. You are in the right place, it's a great group and we can all relate. It's nice when folks chime in with good news like windows but of course we support each other with these crazy/horrible w/d symptoms.

 

Many blessings and here's to healing!

[[Bi...]]

Hello all,

this is my first visit here, I usually stick to personal blogs. I'm just approaching the 12th month of withdrawal. I am feeling a lot better than I sis on the higher doses.

 

I started with the entire list of symptoms back then but they are much less now and some of the symptoms I no longer have.

 

now I suffer from:

fatigue

anticipatory anxiety

agoraphobia but mild

occasionable bouts of vertigo

benzo belly but much less than the first 6 months

nightmares but also less than the first six months and I am sleeping better

depression is gone

headaches

froggy throat, almost lose my voice at times but less than before

 

that list is half of what it used to be so I am very happy with my taper so far, half way in 2 weeks.

 

Things do get better as you get lower in the drug. I was on 4 mg of Ativan and now 2 mg, I took Ativan at different strengths for 30 years. I can't wait to be rid of it completely.

 

BBF (Beth)

 

[[dr...]]

Hi Beth...

 

pssssst...t's me drew   This is a 6-12 month post jump board just as an fyi....but I think you are great and I want you to stay as this is open to all.  You are doing an amazing job and have been so helpful to me.

 

 

update-I am sort of in a window.  I am having a mostly effortless mind day for the second day in a row.  I don't feel great but just not miserable and no anxiety except for fleeting moments.  feels nice to be able to have my head above water

[[Ba...]]

I'm glad for you drew. I, too, am doing better. I had very little nerve pain for a couple of days, though it started up again last night. But the inner vibration and hyperventilating has nearly stopped. I can feel tired sometimes. This I haven't felt for a year and a half. Ditto for feeling hungry.

[[dr...]]

great news Bailey!  Let this be a trend.

[[Lo...]]

I'm glad for you drew. I, too, am doing better. I had very little nerve pain for a couple of days, though it started up again last night. But the inner vibration and hyperventilating has nearly stopped. I can feel tired sometimes. This I haven't felt for a year and a half. Ditto for feeling hungry.

 

Yeah Bailey! I was in a window but it closed yesterday...today I feel all over the place. But I've seen more windows in the past 6 or so weeks then I have ever seen in 8.5 months off (almost 8.5).

 

I just wish the waves would not hit so bad...praying I feel good for my bday this Friday and the whole weekend!