6-12 month thread....

[[Ba...]]

SoCaler, I feel so badly for you . Man I've been there, though my symptoms are not the same as yours are  now.

 

Mine are physical with a little reptitive thinking thrown in.

 

I used to live in California and miss it so.

[[So...]]

Thanks Bailey11.  Helps to know others understand how I feel.  I really felt good on Friday and then it went right downhill yesterday and this morning.  The racing memories and thoughts.  When I'm feeling ok I can manage the thoughts but sometimes it overwhelms you.

[[...]]

Do you all realize how brave and strong you are, battling this day in day out. This month 8/9 seems to be so, so tough and I am reassured to know it's not just me. After coming this far the end of the rainbow cannot be far off. I think maybe what has made this more difficult for us is the time of year; I know it has for me and I know others are too with significant losses that hurt more at Christmas. I say a prayer for our loved ones who we miss every day and know they are with us in their own way.

 

I am petrified as to how I will present. The 'what ifs' are swirling round, my breathing is difficult, shaking and head so fuzzy - how will I function or even think! I know I would be nervous under normal circumstances, however it is x100.

 

It is worrying me that this will hamper my recovery, even though it is in my best interests to change jobs and I have no option to work. If all this doesn't make me more resilient then what? At the moment it's taking all I have to not lay down and admit defeat 

How do others cope with work and would you mind telling me how your mornings go as for me mostly they are the worst. if i have had a window it is NEVER morning time.

Again be proud, you all give me hope I can do this

 

Marj,

 

Oh sweetie, you are not alone   I desperately wanted to continue to work, push, and "do" life despite my symptoms.  So, I kept my eyes on those buddies who were either doing, or did, just that, even in the midst of their worst withdrawal.  Folks like Sophia, Northofhere, Schatje, Drew28,

 

I created a thread a while back that I put many of my favorite postings of buddies who where going out and KICKING BUTT during their withdrawal -- postings of "feeling the fear and doing it anyways" (http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=117974.0).  Keeping things like this in front of my eyes reminded me over and over again that, despite what my brain was doing, I still had a choice in what I decided to do.  I could go and do, or I could withdrawal and stay back.  And I, admittedly, have done a little of both in my withdrawal, and still do -- BUT -- I never wanted to make the decision to withdrawal and stay back because I "couldn't" -- because that is, IMO, not true.  I refuse to believe that, or accept that.  There are times where I withdrew and stayed back in order to provide myself some rest and respite, but I did NOT want to ever make that decision because I thought I "couldn't" do it.  I did not, and do not, ever want to breath life into the lie of "can't".  Because you CAN (again, IMO). 

 

I had a phrase that I wrote out on paper and hung in our living room that said this: "'Can't' is ONLY a mindset; EVEN in withdrawal.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  I wrote it out and posted it on my car's dashboard in big, bold letters on the day that I decided enough was enough, and to "break" my "townbound" agoraphobia and take a trip to a city that was 75 minutes away from us.  I stared at it the entire trip, angry and absolutely REBELLING against my withdrawal and fear.  When we pulled into the city limits, I took a picture.  We stopped at a Hardees directly inside the city limits, used the potty, and turned around to come back home immediately.  I took pictures of the exit signs as we left the city; it was all so surreal feeling to me.  I was full of anxiety/fear/panic the whole trip, but I also felt AMAZING -- empowered, amazed, and awed that I "Could".  Even while in withdrawal.  Wow, I still thank the Lord for showing me the truth of "Can".

 

Defining moments.  You'll have many of them in this process of withdrawal that you will look back upon.  The above story was one of them for me; one of many along this journey (thank you Lord for them).  I've long since taken down that sign in our livingroom that I made for our car trip, but I don't know that I'll ever be able to toss it away -- it is forever a truth that is engrained in my heart for life, and that paper carries such meaning and memory of the realization of it for me.

 

Alrighty, enough rambling from Mrs. for now -- Whatever you decide for you (rest/respite, or go/do/push through), I fully support and am proud of you for doing.  I just wanted you to know that, no matter what happens or how you feel, I believe you can do ANYTHING -- EVEN in withdrawal.  I believe that with every last bit of my being, and I believe that for every single person on this planet. 

 

'Can't' is ONLY a mindset; EVEN in withdrawal.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   Lord, help me/us to carry this through in our lives, every moment of every day.  Thank you, Amen.

 

Mrs.

 

Oh Mrs, thank you so much for that and I know I CAN as I have worked all through this so far. I know this move in jobs will be good for me. It's just this stupid fear; which I would have if I wasn't recovering, only it's magnified. I will not give in now and with your kind words and prayers, I will make it through the first day, then the next and so on.

I just want to mention that I phone the Bristol Project regularly and they are so wonderful 

[[63...]]

I think that it is common to have the notion that the hardest part of withdrawal is right after we we jump, right after we finish our taper. I no longer think that this is true. Sure, I had some very hard times the weeks after I jumped, but hands down, my most difficult time in withdrawal happened months later. From me, it was just after my 6 month mark. I had a huge set back, and it really caught me off guard. I was back in acute all over again, -worse, really. I nearly reinstated several times between months 6 and 8. I'm seeing this to be true to most of you here in this 6 - 12 month thread as well.  Anyhow, forgive my rambling, but I just thought I would share this as it seems others are encountering this now today...

 

Hang in there SoCaler....Im so sorry that you are going through this. I have had similar and it sucks!

 

 

[[63...]]

marj,

 

Ill be thinking of you tomorrow...best of luck on your first day at your new job!

[[...]]

Alrighty, enough rambling from Mrs. for now -- Whatever you decide for you (rest/respite, or go/do/push through), I fully support and am proud of you for doing.  I just wanted you to know that, no matter what happens or how you feel, I believe you can do ANYTHING -- EVEN in withdrawal.  I believe that with every last bit of my being, and I believe that for every single person on this planet. 

 

'Can't' is ONLY a mindset; EVEN in withdrawal.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.   Lord, help me/us to carry this through in our lives, every moment of every day.  Thank you, Amen.

 

Mrs.

 

Hi all! Mrs. I needed to read this today but this particular quote really hit home for me because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. this weekend was a little tough between breathing and anxiety but I have to be thankful that I'm passed the 8 month mark and I'm able to work and function and take care of my 3 year old son pretty much on my own and I'm praying daily for all of us and that one day we will see the end of the rainbow where all of our healing and restoration waits for us.

 

Praying, praying and praying.

 

Yes LM - we ARE doing this on our own with strength and guidance. Our kids will have their Mum back a stronger person who will show them how to live their lives fully and never take anything for granted 

[[ci...]]

Marj, I am also missing my loved ones who have passed, it seems like I am mourning their passing all over. I have cried more these pass months than my entire lifetime. With the mornings, there are times I will wake up afraid of what is to come, or who I will be for that day. But my waves and windows are daily and there is no pattern, I just have to keep telling myself it will pass. Starting a new job, good for You! I see that as positive, great distraction. Regardless if you are working or not, you are going thru WDs and keeping busy is probably a good thing. I lost my job because of WDs and was denied disability pay because they do not believe in ambien WDs. But WDs re tough whether you are working or not working, we still have to go thru them, and staying at home always trying to distract, distract, distract....so I view it as a good thing, if you can work. And you have 8/9 months behind you, so better days are coming. And you are stronger than you think! Keep us posted on the new job.

 

Robert, your my jumping BB. I am 9 months out, too. Even sounds like our healing patterns are the same .....unpredictable!

 

Lisa, OH YES! Nothing beats a good night's sleep. That counts as a window.

 

Mrs, love the post, we need that reassurance. I need to hear it about 100 times a day , yes, "We will heal."

 

Socaler, 8, 9 and now 10 month have been brutal for me. Things leave but other weird neurological sxs take their place. I am thinking WTF is this, now. I don't ever have the fear somethng else is wrong with me, I know it is WD, I never doubt it. You can't makeup these weird sxs......my left eye twitches, my saddle region burns, my scalp and head is like pins and needles, my ears feel like I am underwater, etc, etc.....and lets not forget the CRAZO sxs. But all of you keep me grounded, what a relief it is to sign on and you can always find someone having the same weird, bizarre sxs, this is like a really bad sci-fi movie.

 

Loving mother, I need your faith, I am working on it. Taking care of your son and working, and WDs....you have the right approach.....pray, pray, pray. I dobelieve in the power of pray. 8 months behind you, better days ahead.

 

Drew, glad to hear your physical sxs are less at the 8 month mark. I am the opposite, the mental stuff (fear of being alone, uncontrollable crying has lessened) but the physical stuff has ramped up into another gear with new sxs. at the 8/9 month mark. The anxiety is still present, but that very dard depression is not.

 

Wishing you all windows.....

 

 

 

 

[[ci...]]

robert, I agree with you. I have had brutal times after the so called acute period. This healing is so unpredictble. There have been changes since acute (first 3 months), but really it is just like a different kind of hell. But the worse part is healng is not linear, this up and down, and "fake outs" your getting better then slammed again. Wicked. I am so glad you did not reinstate. And now you are at 9 months. OK we can do this......lets hold on.

[[...]]

marj,

 

Ill be thinking of you tomorrow...best of luck on your first day at your new job!

 

Thank you Robert, that means a lot and you are right about the severity of symptoms at this stage. I had this confirmed by a support help line I speak to. She said so many have a tough time around 6 - 10 months and that fits with me definitely. It seems incredible that it can work like that 

[[Lo...]]

Marj, I am also missing my loved ones who have passed, it seems like I am mourning their passing all over. I have cried more these pass months than my entire lifetime. With the mornings, there are times I will wake up afraid of what is to come, or who I will be for that day. But my waves and windows are daily and there is no pattern, I just have to keep telling myself it will pass. Starting a new job, good for You! I see that as positive, great distraction. Regardless if you are working or not, you are going thru WDs and keeping busy is probably a good thing. I lost my job because of WDs and was denied disability pay because they do not believe in ambien WDs. But WDs re tough whether you are working or not working, we still have to go thru them, and staying at home always trying to distract, distract, distract....so I view it as a good thing, if you can work. And you have 8/9 months behind you, so better days are coming. And you are stronger than you think! Keep us posted on the new job.

 

Robert, your my jumping BB. I am 9 months out, too. Even sounds like our healing patterns are the same .....unpredictable!

 

Lisa, OH YES! Nothing beats a good night's sleep. That counts as a window.

 

Mrs, love the post, we need that reassurance. I need to hear it about 100 times a day , yes, "We will heal."

 

Socaler, 8, 9 and now 10 month have been brutal for me. Things leave but other weird neurological sxs take their place. I am thinking WTF is this, now. I don't ever have the fear somethng else is wrong with me, I know it is WD, I never doubt it. You can't makeup these weird sxs......my left eye twitches, my saddle region burns, my scalp and head is like pins and needles, my ears feel like I am underwater, etc, etc.....and lets not forget the CRAZO sxs. But all of you keep me grounded, what a relief it is to sign on and you can always find someone having the same weird, bizarre sxs, this is like a really bad sci-fi movie.

 

Loving mother, I need your faith, I am working on it. Taking care of your son and working, and WDs....you have the right approach.....pray, pray, pray. I dobelieve in the power of pray. 8 months behind you, better days ahead.

 

Drew, glad to hear your physical sxs are less at the 8 month mark. I am the opposite, the mental stuff (fear of being alone, uncontrollable crying has lessened) but the physical stuff has ramped up into another gear with new sxs. at the 8/9 month mark. The anxiety is still present, but that very dard depression is not.

 

Wishing you all windows.....

 

Thank you, I wish my faith was perfect and it didn't waver as much as it does but no one is perfect but I thank you it's quite the challenge especially doing with a pre existing medical condition.

 

Marj, you're very right when you say our kids will have their mom back fully and I wish it was now and I wish you many blessings and success on your first day at your new job tomorrow please report in and let us know how you do just know I'm praying for you.

[[He...]]

I think that it is common to have the notion that the hardest part of withdrawal is right after we we jump, right after we finish our taper. I no longer think that this is true. Sure, I had some very hard times the weeks after I jumped, but hands down, my most difficult time in withdrawal happened months later. From me, it was just after my 6 month mark. I had a huge set back, and it really caught me off guard. I was back in acute all over again, -worse, really. I nearly reinstated several times between months 6 and 8. I'm seeing this to be true to most of you here in this 6 - 12 month thread as well.  Anyhow, forgive my rambling, but I just thought I would share this as it seems others are encountering this now today...

 

Hang in there SoCaler....Im so sorry that you are going through this. I have had similar and it sucks!

 

Hi Robert,

I found this to be true for me also.  Around month 7 I had my worst wave, but then things started improving dramatically in my baseline. I'm still getting slammed with tough waves, but on my good days I feel 100%....and, with the exception of December, I consistently have had more good days than bad.

 

I want to thank you, Cindy, and SoCaler for reaching out to me the other night on the 12-18 month thread. I really appreciate it!

 

Wishing you all quick healing!

[[Fr...]]

Hi all and thank you for your encouraging words.

 

Jenny, I'm so happy that you're having periods where your breathe easy now. What a relief that is.

 

Cindys, I'm so happy that the depression has lifted or you. That is a big accomplish and shows lots of healing.

 

The last phase I've been in has had depression and looping thoughts, and then bladder frequency and back pain that harms sleep.

 

Although yesterday, the depression came and went pretty fast and I was in another nice window, slept well last night and am now in a wave again albeit mild.

 

This seems to be a new phase where the windows are closer together even though the waves are still very intense at times.

 

I will keep praying for everyone.

 

Lisa

[[Lo...]]

I think that it is common to have the notion that the hardest part of withdrawal is right after we we jump, right after we finish our taper. I no longer think that this is true. Sure, I had some very hard times the weeks after I jumped, but hands down, my most difficult time in withdrawal happened months later. From me, it was just after my 6 month mark. I had a huge set back, and it really caught me off guard. I was back in acute all over again, -worse, really. I nearly reinstated several times between months 6 and 8. I'm seeing this to be true to most of you here in this 6 - 12 month thread as well.  Anyhow, forgive my rambling, but I just thought I would share this as it seems others are encountering this now today...

 

Hang in there SoCaler....Im so sorry that you are going through this. I have had similar and it sucks!

 

Hi Robert,

I found this to be true for me also.  Around month 7 I had my worst wave, but then things started improving dramatically in my baseline. I'm still getting slammed with tough waves, but on my good days I feel 100%....and, with the exception of December, I consistently have had more good days than bad.

 

I want to thank you, Cindy, and SoCaler for reaching out to me the other night on the 12-18 month thread. I really appreciate it!

 

Wishing you all quick healing!

 

Thanks for your timeline! So glad you have 100% days! Wow!!! Month 5 & 6 were horrific for me, going into month 7 it was tough but I felt as the days went on I felt better. My baseline improved too. Month 8 would be okay if the shortness of breath and heart palps had not returned (also still got inner ear stuff). But again it goes up and down.

 

Praying for us all! 

[[...]]

Well I made it to my new job; I had no sleep at all last night, felt terrible this morning but pushed on and got here. Until lunch time I felt on the verge of a major panic attack and I haven’t had one of those for a while. Just tried to reassure myself and deep breathe. After lunch I felt calmer and it has been ok until now when my mood had plummeted and I feel quite panicky again and just want to cry. I don’t understand, it’s as if someone pulled a plug in my mind and feelings of doom just came from no where. It makes me scared  The what ifs are swirling round now and I feel sick. Is this normal?

 

Hope everyone else is ok

[[ga...]]

marj...I have been and still experience just what you are going through regarding sleep.  I get down in the dumps, plain old depressed especially when functioning on little or no sleep.  This is most likely responsible for your feelings.  Things always seem better after some sleep.  Know, this will not go on forever.  There are good days and not so good days.  You will push through the not so good just as you are doing today.  Not easy but doable.  I have been at it for years.  Still functioning at my job and relatively healthy at age 59.  Just feel like crap on the days with little or no sleep. 

 

My best wishes to you.  You can do it!

 

[[Aq...]]

I have got to agree with you guys.  This is so non-linear.  It felt a little that way up until month 9 and then I have been in bad shape from months 9-11, with tiny bits of relief in the past week or so, but it is probably due to more time off at home.  I never thought I would be moving on to the 12-18 month group but it is looking that way here pretty soon.  I always hear a lot of healing comes in that 12-18 month range and I am really hoping to see some improvement, or at least go back to how it was in months 7-8 (still crappy, but not this bad)

[[mr...]]

Well I made it to my new job; I had no sleep at all last night, felt terrible this morning but pushed on and got here. Until lunch time I felt on the verge of a major panic attack and I haven’t had one of those for a while. Just tried to reassure myself and deep breathe. After lunch I felt calmer and it has been ok until now when my mood had plummeted and I feel quite panicky again and just want to cry. I don’t understand, it’s as if someone pulled a plug in my mind and feelings of doom just came from no where. It makes me scared  The what ifs are swirling round now and I feel sick. Is this normal?

 

Hope everyone else is ok

 

Marj sweetie, I want you to know that it was normal for me!!! I called it the "hairline trigger panic attack", lol!! They are NO MORE!! It goes away!!!!!

 

I want you to know, I am SO PROUD OF YOU! The doom/dark feelings, panic feelings, all of that are just simply your neurochemicals relearning how to produce & function properly. My husband, whom I lovingly refer to as "Mr" on here, said this best: "There is a difference between fear and danger." What we feel in withdrawal is strictly fear -- there is no danger present. I'm so, so proud of you for being at work today! It will get easier And sooner than you think

 

Thinking of you!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

Ha!  Funny we should be talking about hairline trigger panic.  well...maybe not   I was just going to comment on another post that I arrived to work in okay way.  A bit later I got hit with some eye wierd stuff.  Streaking floater thingies.  They lasted a whole ten seconds but it was enough for my mind to go into panic mode of something catastrophic. I didn't let the intial surge go into a full blown panic attack. 

 

I am really noticing lately my thoughts are a direct connection to my panic response in my body.  I find myself getting anxious over symptoms I do not have or are minor.    The way I look at it is that as we are outside our comfort zones aka couch/bed our stress level is raised the whole time.  I know these feelings won't hurt me as uncomfortable as they are so I am now looking at this as exposure therapy to overcome the anxiety/panic.  Not fun at all but what is the alternative?  stay at home and think about my symptoms and what I can't do.  No..this week I push back a bit on my panic/anxiety.

[[...]]

Well I made it to my new job; I had no sleep at all last night, felt terrible this morning but pushed on and got here. Until lunch time I felt on the verge of a major panic attack and I haven’t had one of those for a while. Just tried to reassure myself and deep breathe. After lunch I felt calmer and it has been ok until now when my mood had plummeted and I feel quite panicky again and just want to cry. I don’t understand, it’s as if someone pulled a plug in my mind and feelings of doom just came from no where. It makes me scared  The what ifs are swirling round now and I feel sick. Is this normal?

 

Hope everyone else is ok

 

 

Marj sweetie, I want you to know that it was normal for me!!! I called it the "hairline trigger panic attack", lol!! They are NO MORE!! It goes away!!!!!

 

I want you to know, I am SO PROUD OF YOU! The doom/dark feelings, panic feelings, all of that are just simply your neurochemicals relearning how to produce & function properly. My husband, whom I lovingly refer to as "Mr" on here, said this best: "There is a difference between fear and danger." What we feel in withdrawal is strictly fear -- there is no danger present. I'm so, so proud of you for being at work today! It will get easier And sooner than you think

 

Thinking of you!

 

Mrs.

You are an Angel Mrs, a Guardian Angel  - when I got home I felt wretched but was worried if I lay down for a bit the negative thoughts would start and would feel worse. So I checked here for a bit, read your post and felt comfortable having a rest before I cook dinner. All I imagined was someone saying I'm so proud of you. You see I have trouble saying it to myself since having to go through this. It just goes to show how our minds/thinking patterns are affected and disrupted. And how happy thoughts make us feel better, it's just that we lack them right now. You really helped me 

 

You never complain, just offer support to so many, so I would like to know how you are doing? Are you through the worst of it? and if so, how kind to support the way you do.

 

Garton - Thank you for reminding me how a lack of or no sleep makes us feel rubbish. I hope you sleep soundly tonight  I've tried a sleep meditation on youtube before and it's helped, so will try again. I would recommend.

 

[[Ba...]]

Marj , I'm glad you made it to your job,but I'm sorry you had those terrible feelings. I'm betting things get brighter for you soon.

[[pa...]]

Well I made it to my new job; I had no sleep at all last night, felt terrible this morning but pushed on and got here. Until lunch time I felt on the verge of a major panic attack and I haven’t had one of those for a while. Just tried to reassure myself and deep breathe. After lunch I felt calmer and it has been ok until now when my mood had plummeted and I feel quite panicky again and just want to cry. I don’t understand, it’s as if someone pulled a plug in my mind and feelings of doom just came from no where. It makes me scared  The what ifs are swirling round now and I feel sick. Is this normal?

 

Hope everyone else is ok

 

It's normal, Marj, and it goes away with time.  Also, remind yourself that your coworkers are unlikely to notice so don't freak yourself out more than necessary!

[[mr...]]

Marj, all things considered, I'm doing just peachy. I'm healed to the point that, if all things are going well, I'm about 95% healed physically and 75-80% healed mentally. I still experience sensitivity to "stimulus", both 'good' forms (like intense excitement, joy, etc) and 'bad' (like fear, etc). Also some sensitivity to physical stimulus, like heat, cold, exercise, etc. I'm able to handle much more on my plate now than even two months ago, but I'm very careful and guarded, as I don't think I'm quite to the point where I'm out of the woods for a minor setback. Its a fine balance, in testing the waters along the way What created issues two months ago may not be any issue now, but I constantly need to check and be sure. Also, since it us a nonlinear healing pattern, I may gain the ability to do XYZ today, but feel incapable again tomorrow. So, its teaching me lots of patience, and I'm learning to not view "setback" and "failure" as permanency. Its very true: your yesterday does not determine your today

 

I agree with you on positive thoughts, and how much they have helped me There was a small timeframe in withdrawal where they didn't seem to help, and I think that this can be normal and just part of the process (I say that for those reading who may feel like positive thoughts are as beneficial yet, for where they are currently at). Its okay if they are not super helpful; it will pass and one day they will start to help again.

 

Back to work for Mrs.! Take care Marj (and everyone else )

 

Mrs.

[[je...]]

Marj-- I'm so proud of you!! You did it!! It should get easier now that you got the first day behind you. Take care, jenny 

[[Ba...]]

Hey Everybody, I started a blog called " How I Ended  up in the Psych Ward".

 

It's the story of how I came to be prescribed benzos and the madness that descended

 

 

[[...]]

Marj, all things considered, I'm doing just peachy. I'm healed to the point that, if all things are going well, I'm about 95% healed physically and 75-80% healed mentally. I still experience sensitivity to "stimulus", both 'good' forms (like intense excitement, joy, etc) and 'bad' (like fear, etc). Also some sensitivity to physical stimulus, like heat, cold, exercise, etc. I'm able to handle much more on my plate now than even two months ago, but I'm very careful and guarded, as I don't think I'm quite to the point where I'm out of the woods for a minor setback. Its a fine balance, in testing the waters along the way What created issues two months ago may not be any issue now, but I constantly need to check and be sure. Also, since it us a nonlinear healing pattern, I may gain the ability to do XYZ today, but feel incapable again tomorrow. So, its teaching me lots of patience, and I'm learning to not view "setback" and "failure" as permanency. Its very true: your yesterday does not determine your today

 

I agree with you on positive thoughts, and how much they have helped me There was a small timeframe in withdrawal where they didn't seem to help, and I think that this can be normal and just part of the process (I say that for those reading who may feel like positive thoughts are as beneficial yet, for where they are currently at). Its okay if they are not super helpful; it will pass and one day they will start to help again.

 

Back to work for Mrs.! Take care Marj (and everyone else )

 

Mrs.

 

You have a very positive attitude Mrs and this will be helping you greatly. I am trying to develop this……..