6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Coop, we must be on the same train track.  I'm not in a window, but the intense cortisol has let up.  I was able to fall asleep at 4:30 this morning and slept until 10:30.

 

Yes, Coop, you're very open with your hypochondria.  Peace, you're going to be fine.

 

Let me talk a little about my tolerance in 2004.  I woke up with what seemed like sudden onset of some bizarre multi s/x unexplained illness.  I couldn't sleep. I had debilitating body pain, aches in the muscles and joints.  Fibromyalgia.  I had debilitating fatigue.  I was so tired I went from bed to couch.  Any sleep I did get was non restorative.  I had buzzing, tingling down my back, in my arms and hands.  I was screened for MS.  An MRI showed white focal lesions on the brain.  Inconclusive they said.  I had ringing in the ears.  Hearing test showed significant hearing loss.  I finally ended up with a "chronic fatigue" diagnosis and specialist.  Tens of thousands of dollars were spent on remedies not covered by insurance.  B12 injections.  Low dose naltrexone for sleep.  A vitamin C detox.  Those were the benign remedies.  I can't even begin to remember it all.  Maybe I don't want to.  I drove five hours to Maryland to a "mold" specialist.  I thought maybe my leaky gutter system on my house, which had caused mold, had sickened me.  He put a long instrument way up in my nasal cavity searching for mold spores.

 

No one ever asked about the low dose of Xanax I had discontinued because it was making me too sleepy during the day.  So I would have to be bleeding all over the ground before I would go to a doctor.  but that's just me.

 

Peace, I am certain you are going to be fine.

 

Nova, thank you again for your beautifully written insights.  When I read your posts, I think about how beautiful it must be in Nova Scotia.  I imagine you and your wife in a cozy house surrounded by the Canadian snow.  (I know it's summer now)  And then, because I struggle with wanting to run away, somewhere, anywhere (I think people call that a geographical cure, lol) I imagine myself getting off the plane and coming to visit.  Don't worry, I won't stalk you, I promise, lol. 

On a serious note, I believe I'm relating so much to your writing because I also feel, even though plenty of healing is left, that I have glimpsed a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Wishing everyone a wonderful day.

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I've been away for two days from the thread and it's brutal to  try to catch up!

 

I read the post by Nova Scotia about his window. It is beautifully written but it also captures the essence of healing.

 

Suddenly a symptom disappears and you don't notice it unless you're paying attention. You quit suffering and it is  a joy that deserves to be celebrated.

 

The reason I keep a monthly symptom list is to be able to celebrate the small healing. I may lose a symptom but  because it has been replaced by another one I don't notice.

 

But I want to notice.

 

Evolution in wd is good because it brings me  one step closer to healing.

 

I had a nice experience with meditation yesterday. I used the link you guys gave me , sorry I can't remember who, and I started. By the end of it I felt drowsy and Mr Sky was terrified I had gone out fishing again, like in the first 3 days of Ct.

 

Later, I fell asleep like a baby and I DIDN'T have nightmares. A big achievement for me, here in Benzo world.

 

In short when things are good they are really good. I am tasting my food and loving it for the first time in years. I have noticed and enjoyed Spring for the first time in a long time.

 

The list is long. I made it and it makes  a difference.

 

I notice and live many horrible things every day but that is not all there is to it.

 

It shouldn't have to be this way.

 

I shouldn't have to almost die before I notice and appreciate life in all of its' forms but there you are.

[[Sk...]]

GreenIce, how awful but it seems to be the rule of thumb with benzos.

 

No doctor seems to join  those dots.

 

They shouldn't be prescribed by anybody who isn't fully informed on them and wd.

 

I had heaps  of health issues, not as bad as yours, but still. And they were so unrelated with each other. I kept getting told it was  just me getting old and I started believing it.

But now 99% of the illnesses I had before has disappeared and I am healthier, excluding wd.

 

I don't dare think of the money aspect.

 

I too have grown scared of docs. But that 's due to what happened to me in the very first days of my very accidental  CT.

 

After CT, I was lucky enough to have most doctors assume that I was crazy.  I stopped  going to them as soon as I verified that physically, everything was how it was supposed to be.

 

In my bad luck I was lucky. I still am I believe. If I didn't believe it  I couldn't pull through this.

[[Gr...]]

Sky, the only reason you don't have a worse story with the doctors is because you didn't stay on benzos long enough!  things do get worse.  And the story you do have with doctors is plenty bad.  I'm glad your s/x have relented a little.  It seems like we're all getting a little break.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Sue and coop,  all of you out there; gives me comfort but at the same time I don't want to see anyone go through this. 

I know I'm only 6 weeks totally off the benzos but I was at that inderdose withdrawal for a year or more I think.  I didn't know what it was....now I do.  You're right I am angry; confused; agoraphobic; hypochondria....you know.  Things are becoming clearer but at the same time it is scary knowing what benzos have done to our brains. The fight of our lives; just getting through each day....

Not being able to trust your own brain is so weird.  I sometimes think of myself as my soul just watching all this and waiting for it to pass....we are more than our brains and bodies....we are the entity that realizes what's happening to us....the real us. 

I do get windows and when I'm in one I just feel so good and appreciate it so much.  Mornings are still brutal.....nights too.

Thanks for the support...hope you are well.  We'll all get through this.   

 

Whoot, I think we go through the seven stages of grief when we go through withdrawal.  For me I remember feeling like I had been dropped out of the sky.  I just "woke up" in some nightmare withdrawal.  I couldn't remember my life.  I had DP and DR, alienation from self and family.  It was a frightening psychiatric place to be. I really should have been hospitalized.  But I knew they would just put me on psych. meds.  All of those feelings are very intense in the beginning.  They go away.  You're going to get your life back.  This feels bad, but it's the road to recovery.

[[wh...]]

Thanks GreenIce

It sure feels like grief...the shock; coming to terms; dealing; enduring; acceptance.......

It's a struggle but I feel more like myself now then when it first happened.  Like you I was bad; I couldn't talk really..I just sat there vibrating watching everyone but not really being a part of it.  Even on my worst days now that part is better.  I didn't tell a doctor either because I knew as well that they would just dope me up. 

[quote author=whootwhoot link=topic=107505.

 

Whoot, I think we go through the seven stages of grief when we go through withdrawal.  For me I remember feeling like I had been dropped out of the sky.  I just "woke up" in some nightmare withdrawal.  I couldn't remember my life.  I had DP and DR, alienation from self and family.  It was a frightening psychiatric place to be. I really should have been hospitalized.  But I knew they would just put me on psych. meds.  All of those feelings are very intense in the beginning.  They go away.  You're going to get your life back.  This feels bad, but it's the road to recovery.

[[No...]]

whootwhoot - "Not being able to trust your own brain is so weird.  I sometimes think of myself as my soul just watching all this and waiting for it to pass....we are more than our brains and bodies....we are the entity that realizes what's happening to us....the real us." - Yes ... well said.

 

GreenIce - the window experience for me a couple of days ago did help me to feel that there will be an end to recovery some day. Really solidified hope for me, I really feel it now. Nova Scotia is a marvelous place to live. We live in a 12th floor apartment on a hill overlooking Bedford Basin ... Halifax Harbour and out to the Atlantic. The view is panoramic, 180 degrees. Very cozy and comfortable for us. Our haven.

 

SkyHD - keep celebrating and noticing ... and if meditation allows you a respite ... enjoy it, be in it ... the more we can find and allow ourselves to be in these moments I feel we lower our feelings of stress during this process.

 

Take care, folks.

[[pe...]]

Green- I appreciate your certainty. I will just need you to repeat this phrase  "Peace, I am certain you are going to be fine." over and over until it's true! 

 

Nova- My worry stayed in the corner today. I took it out for just a couple short walks before returning it to the corner. I see how getting worked up about things made those few days much worse than they otherwise would have been. I still struggle with control, being able to somehow find the answer that will right this wrong.

About that window... Was that your first one? I've yet to really get one and wonder if more than a few people don't see them until later in recovery.

 

Hello to everyone else.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

peace2 - yes that was my first window ... where everything dissolved away for a while ... first time in over 20 years ... marvelous. I often feel the more you work with something - like your "worry" - the more the relationship becomes helpful ... the worry doesn't seem to go away, it just seems to become more house-broken ...

 

Take Care.

[[pe...]]

Nova - I didn't realize that was your first window. I better understand why you just sat with it so intently. It's a real part of healing but it also seems like a miracle after suffering for so long. I'm so glad you had a glimpse at the rest of your life.

 

Peace2

[[Fr...]]

"I sometimes think of myself as my soul just watching all this and waiting for it to pass....we are more than our brains and bodies....we are the entity that realizes what's happening to us....the real us." - Yes ... well said. "

 

I feel like your above  statement too, NOVA.

 

After a 2 1/2 day window I'm back feeling crappy and not trusting any of this.  It's so hard feeling sick off and on, and off an on.  I'm so exhausted today - that's the flavor of the month, I guess - that and feeling flu-like.

 

I hope you all are having long windows!  When do the windows become longer than 2 - 3 days?  And when do the waves get less intense and way shorter?

 

Lisa 

[[Co...]]

Nova, thank you again for your inspiration. Both of your visualizations have been very helpful to me. Putting the puppies in the kennel or corner for gentle training is a great one. Observing s/x from a place of detachment gives me moments of relief. I also find that being outside for a walking ( 'rolling ' for me..lol) always...always.brings relief.

.....Thank you Nova for your presence on this thread. I am wishing you days and days if with downs with Mrs Nova.... .coop

[[Co...]]

Free....I am exactly where you are today. A few days ago a full day window. Yesterday...a wicked wave of hypochondria shakes anxiety and fear. ...Felt exactly like acute...today depression ...also exhausted by the ups and downs ...just trying to go with it....letting my s/x stand beside me, but going about my life as much as possible....Although my wish for everyone's healing is as big as my wish for my own healing, it is reassuring to know that others who have been on this path as long as I have are stepping over and around the same stones.

.....fyi....I resorted to 12 mg of benedryl for intense anxiety yesterday. It did momentarily help, but it also gave me a rebound headache and a few moments of pounding. heart. I probably wont do it again. u less I am near panic. I have also give. up on supplements...vitamins ...and herbal remedies. I am eating when I have an appetite,  as clean green and organic as possible. I am pretty convinced after 7,5 months that time....time...time and distraction ....distraction ....distraction....BBs.... Nova 's and Life 's inspiration. ,and grit and determination are the only things that are reliably helpful .....with no side effects

......wishing everyone here a better day.......love ...coop

 

[[No...]]

FreeofV - this stuff is so exhausting ... day in, day out, up down, up down ... and we are another day closer, whenever that will be ... and it will be.

 

Coop - there have been days when Mrs Nova has considered me a "side-effect" ... not often, but justifiably  ...

we are following in the path trodden by so many others before us ... that is where I sometimes get my sense of trust in this process ...

 

Friday the 13th is over ... Saturday is here.

 

Good Healing.

[[wh...]]

Hi guys; Hope you are all well.  I feel like I'm on a bad trip or something.  My legs are like rubber and I'm so out of it.  Is this cog fog?

I hope it gets better today.  I can't believe this is real some days. 

[[li...]]

Hi everyone. At my house up north. Well I am not sure that I am in a wave but I think I am definitely in a funk for now. Everything in the house was breaking, the garden was overgrown, the dog had to go to the emergency room, and I am simply exhausted trying to get it all done. I think I have overdone it and I am simply frustrated that I do not have the energy that I used to. I think that I am pushing myself so much lately that I am upsetting myself with all the self doubt due to my lack of energy. I also get so frustrated when something breaks that it makes me mad that I cant fix it -- like the chain saw. I could not fix it so here I am writing as I think that all of this is trying to through me in a wave. That is one very good thing -- I can handle allot more stress lately. This whole post is a bit rambling but I am doing this for self therapy as I am so angry that I could not get things to work today. Why am I so angry when things don't work??? I am going to take a bath and mediate and see if that helps. I am really disappointed lately and I do not know why. Is this a wave and I don't know it?

Hum? I have depression lately but not as bad so lets see where this benzo w/d takes me.

 

life

[[Co...]]

HI Life!... "I have depression, but less "... that sounds like continued healing. Everything you describe..overgrown garden, dog to er, moving to your summer house, broken chainsaw....all sounds like normal life malfunctions.. all in one day would stress and depress anyone, including non-drugged/p/w people. I think you are probably extra sensitive to the stress of all of it. The bath soak and meditation sounds perfect.  Things will look more manageable after.

.....You are doing so great Life..  it's ok go have a ' normal ' bad day ( or 2) , but for those of us in recovery a normal bad day brings all the worries of " oh, no is this going to be s 3 day wave? "

.    Hope the hot soak restores some of your peace... happy to see you back on...coop

[[Fr...]]

In reading here, it appears most people have waves that are full of intense anxiety and fear.  Does anyone but me have waves of non-emotional symptoms?  I go from feeling great in windows to waves, where physical stuff happens.  I'll be watching tv and I'll begin feeling my nerve endings start to tingle and hurt in my ankles, then my head will begin hurting, my vision gets off, my neck will ache and I'll feel flu-like.  The next day I'll have to lay down all day because it feels like the flu minus intestinal issues.  I have no actual anxiety or fear other than not getting well from all this.  I get the internal jitters but they're not from anxiety, they're from nerve fibers over-firing.

 

I really worry because my symptoms are different than yours.

 

Can anyone comment?  I had dp/dr at first in acute but now it's only when my head feels inflamed.  Does wd inflame tissue or make tissue seem inflamed?  My issues feel more like a case of encephalitis.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Whootwhoot, what you describe is very common to w/d . At 6/7 weeks you still in acute Acute typically lasts from 6 weeks to 4 months off, although many BBs report acute lifting by 3 months. Acute w/d is intense, and then things begin to get better with some sunbreaks and even a window from time to time for some.

......Take really good care of yourself ..eat as healthy as you can afford. Some BBs try various supplements, vitamins, and herbal remedies along the way. Some report relief ...others report no relief and/or side effects from supplements..herbal remedies and mega doses of vitamins.  I have tried a few along the way, but for me most of them revved up my s/x. or had side effects.. or had no benefit...or cost too much. I go to a Yoga class and practice yoga at home on most days. One thing that helps me alot is hot bath soaks with lavender epsome salts. It helps my anxiety and body s/x. I was on BBs constantly the first 6 months ( and still), I found compassionate face to face counseling, I see a physical therapist for body pain ...Go easy with yourself...allow yourself to let go of expectations and commitments as much as possible. This process can take up to a year ( Ashton sites 12-14 months as typical healing time) Some heal sooner and some take a little longer. ...Try to take each day as it comes and try to follow what your body/mind need ( easier said than done) .

...You are going to get through all of this Whoot, and we are all here to help you. There are some really hard days in this...and some good ones too. I am at almost 7.5 months off and consider myself half way.  I still have bad days, but windows too and I think I am a stronger healthier and far more appreciative of everyday life than I was before w/d.

....Ask for support as often as you need it....read the success stories at least once a day...go one day at a. time...don't give up...we are with you all the way.....coop

 

[[wh...]]

Hi guys.  Need some support today.  Not sleeping; disturbing dreams; feel dizzy and weak....I'm 6 weeks out but was at interdose withdrawal for a long time.  Did you guys feel this horrible.  I have so much to get better for but this is not in my control it feels like.

Still stupid thoughts like I'm just going to stop existing; breathing; my heart is gonna stop.....you name it....Help please is this part of all this withdrawal and will it go soon?

Also to FreeofV  I do get those as well where I feel no emotion or so much it turns off....also not nice. Everything is so over active; ..........

just want it to slow down so I can think straight and feel good.

 

[[Co...]]

Free.. yes ...it is usually all the s/x you mention that trigger my hypochondria intense fear and anxiety. The fullness feeling in my head when it appeared for the first time produces a fullblown panic, if I get a headache its a brain. tumor, if my back hurts its a heart attack etc etc etc. It sounds like you have a much better grip on fear and anxiety. ..I have read posts from other threads that say the physical s/x are noted intense for them in the second half of p/w. I hope your body s/x ease up and am so glad for you that your fear and anxiety are at a good baseline.

...  Iam going to a physical therapist for another issue, but she has begun treating my p/w s/x too..sore neck, fullness in head/ ear, tinnitus...etc etc..I go 2x a week right now...it is very comforting.

.......feel better Free....coop

 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop - does the PT help at all?  Yes, I feel no fear or anxiety aside from if this wd will ever go away and will I ever feel good again.  I have no fear of death or much else.  I just feel sick about 45 percent of the time.

 

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time lately and are rooting for you to feel better soon.

 

Take care,

Lisa

[[wh...]]

Thanks Coop  I know you are going through a rough patch too.  OMG this is hard.  Thanks for the understanding and encouragement...I'm so tired of this....I'll keep on keeping on. I wish my family understood.  My signifigant other is trying and he is very supportive but this is embarrassing as we have only been together a short while. Love and strength to you my friend.  We will make it. 

I'll have a bath later and just try to relax. 

[[Co...]]

Free, ...lol.."encephilitis "...that is one my hypochondria has not thought up on its own..thank you very much..( jk)...My head pressure scared me silly as I did not have it at all until the 7 th month. I get it less now, but it came with tinnitus and d/r.  A hot pack to my neck helped alot. I walked around for days with one of those u-shaped airplane neck pilows on my neck. It will come and ho now, but I am sure one day it will just not come back. Taking a cue from Nova and his pyuppies, I visualize my health anxieties as stray cats showing up on the back porch. If you don't feed them ( I tend to feed my health fears a virtual feast of worries)...if you don't feed them ..no matter how often they come crying at the step.  eventually they go away.

.....I am also trying to actively and intentionally imagine health ...instead of illness. I am meditating 5 minutes a day focused on only health and Wellness I visualize every body part as healthy ..and ( I know this sounds whackadoodle), I send my brain and heart messaged of care. 

I figure if our imaginations can scare us to death we can try to harness that capacity for knowing that we are healing and well. Of course I have days the Benzo Beast has a much louder voice..but on a less than full out anxiety gripped day it is helpful.....take care Free..we are all going to get out of this ..we hve all come such a long way....coop...

 

[[Co...]]

Free....yes the PT helps alot..I have been very honest with the therapist and she knows that I am withdrawing ativan.  thus the constantly changing physical s/x.

......coop