6-12 month thread....

[[je...]]

Hi Lisa,

 

Your husband sounds like a very sweet, caring man. I can relate to the nerve pain, its horrible, very painful. I can hear the despair in your words, but you will get through all of this. Were all here with you Lisa, and were all here to say it does get better. Hang on Lisa, better days are coming 

[[mr...]]

Thanks everyone for cheering me on. My husband will appreciate it too.  I just made through church in so much nerve pain that I can't even describe it because it's out of human description.  We lit candles and I cried and cried.  My husband cried too and told me how sorry he is for all the pain I'm going through.  I have constant SI, won't do it, don't worry, but the pain and crazy brain feelings have me think that way. I stay quiet because I have those thoughts in every wave which is 70 percent of my life.  It's really hard.

 

MRS - I'm sorry you've been through so much as you describe but so happy that you're out on the other side.

 

Coop - so happy for you that things are way better.

 

Nova and Robert, thank you so much for the support.

 

Lisa

 

Oh hunny, I told you that so that you'd know how different things can be in a relatively short amount of time. I'm definitely not claiming "out of the woods". But I cannot deny how much better I feel, either.

 

My heart goes out to you with your pain. Have you ever read HenryK's success story by chance? He had lots of nerve pain as well. You are an amazing person, truly! The "S" word ideations are terrible to endure. Just keep on "surviving" each day, just like you are I'm so proud to know you! Somebody someday is going to read your story, and it'll save their life "If FreedofV did it, I can too" will carry them to their 'corner turned'

 

Thinking of you

 

Mrs.

[[ci...]]

Coop, your "words of wisdom" keep me going. Thank you.

 

Lisa, We need you to keep posting. I need you to keep posting. I have the same struggles you do, the same thoughts, and that dam nerve pain. But knowing your struggles, I know I am not alone. I also see your strength and know your strong faith. Please keep sharing your journey with us, we want to share in your sorrows, pain and your joys. You are never alone in this journey. And what a celebration we will have when you have healed. Please don't lose that faith that you are healing and you will recover. Those windows are your signs of healing, remember those windows, get strength from them during those waves.

 

I keep telling myself 6 more months, I will feel so much better .........that helps me to keep going.

 

 

[[Fr...]]

Jenny, MRS, Coop, Nova, Drew, Cindy, Robert,

 

You are all so kind to me.  Thank you.  Yes my husband is amazing.  He is watching something on tv in the living room while I am upstairs in the bedroom trying to watch tv to distract but in these waves, even that is tough to do.  The dark thoughts really get to me. They seem to be caused by head pressure or something painful up there inside.  I can't even tell what's going on, it's so uncomfortable inside my brain.

 

How can a brain feel ok one day and as if majorly depressed the next? 

 

Does anyone else ever feel, the S word?  I don't even like typing it here.  I worry that I am really like this.  I's scary to me.

 

Thank you all for your support and love.

 

Lisa   

[[Co...]]

Lisa...you are just in the middle of the 7th ring of blue hell...temporarily...but it feels like forever...it won't be.

...You kind of answered your own question, " how can my brain be in so much pain one day and better the next?"...that is one of the most effective lie straegis of benzo beast...the roller coaster. You are clearly in a bad wave. I feel so bad for you. As you know my brain sx went on from month 6-11..just once in awhile and not as intense  now. Jenny, I was at one of my worst waves.. right before things got better. You could ask your physician for a head CT ...just for the reassurance. I considered it more than once ,but every time I got ready to make the appointment it would let up momentarily.

....I hate to suggest this,...however.  twice along the way from month 6-11 ( I think both times in month 6) I took a rescue dose of benedry.  12 mg.  it took the edge off at an absolutely desperate time when my head pressure had me scared 24/7

My low dose beta blocker ( 12 mg  atenolol) also helped my headaches and anxiety driven b/p. I rarely need the atenolol anymore.

....Jenny, believe me I know your desperation. I am thinking of you.  Please believe me...this will end.  I know it's nearly i.possible to believe that...Have you tried a lavender Epsome salt hot bath soak...hot and cold packs to your forehead and the back of your neck?

  ..I am so thinking of you....and yes I have had S word go through my mind a few times. Like you, not for real like with intent but more like..." if this is living , dying would be easier"...I think a great many of us have been there. It's desperation and complete battle fatigue.....Wishing you Peace and relief...love to you friend....coop

[[je...]]

Yes, Lisa I've been there many times...the thing is now that my mental sx  are all gone I can see that the s thoughts really were not me at all. I'm 100% positive that this is not who you really are. Its a bad wave that causes those thoughts, its all w/d . you are gonna make it Lisa!! Keep posting, we all love you. Jenny

[[ci...]]

jenny, when did the mental sxs leave for good, what month? Does the mental stuff ever come back a little bit?

[[je...]]

Hi Cindy,

I would say since month 12 its all been gone. Anxiety, depression, crying, negative thoughts all gone. I get emotional, and weepy during my menstrual cycle-- a little negative too, but I was like that pre benzo.  Jenny

[[mr...]]

Jenny, MRS, Coop, Nova, Drew, Cindy, Robert,

 

You are all so kind to me.  Thank you.  Yes my husband is amazing.  He is watching something on tv in the living room while I am upstairs in the bedroom trying to watch tv to distract but in these waves, even that is tough to do.  The dark thoughts really get to me. They seem to be caused by head pressure or something painful up there inside.  I can't even tell what's going on, it's so uncomfortable inside my brain.

 

How can a brain feel ok one day and as if majorly depressed the next? 

 

Does anyone else ever feel, the S word?  I don't even like typing it here.  I worry that I am really like this.  I's scary to me.

 

Thank you all for your support and love.

 

Lisa 

 

Yes, I sure did feel the "s" word thoughts. Ugh. (What an understatement) They ARE gone, and they WILL go for you, too. They are most definitely NOT you. I promise.

 

Love you.

 

Mrs.

[[...]]

You are all so wonderful in the support that you are giving. Even though you are not directly replying to me I read every word as if you are. I can relate to everything Lisa is saying. Hang in there Lisa with me too, I have just begun month 9 - pain, jittery, my blood feels like it's fizzing in my veins (weird), head pressure, moods just switch..... I'm sure you understand.

I am telling myself that my body and nervous system are coming back to life and are so very confused, trying to find that balance. Also, this time of year we are usually running around preparing or Christmas,which stresses anyone at the best of times and we simply cannot 'perform' putting more stress on us or pushing to do do much and suffering as a consequence. Try to think of Spring and a new beginning (as coop told me - thank you) and that you will never have such a dark winter again. And yes cry but keep hydrated to replace those cleansing tears.

WE WILL EMERGE FROM THIS HELL 

[[No...]]

Marj ... trying to feel the "balance" or "rhythm" of this process within our bodies when mostly what we often experience is much more "chaotic" ... is one of the "struggles" we each deal with during our recovery ...

 

And I believe that "balance" is there ... and we can support that "balance" ... and it is difficult ... this constant to and fro between "change" and "homeostasis" ... between "comfort" and "stress" ... between feeling "safe" and feeling "out of control" ... and the consequent exhaustion ...

 

I believe this "balance" can be found in our "spirit" ... in our "trust" ... that we are doing the best we can ... and that we will get through this stuff ... and often in identifying the "lies" and just letting them be there ... and not acting on them ...

 

For me, my remedy is Time ... healing requires time ... we have known this for eons ... and it is still true today ...

 

Be well ...

 

Michael

 

[[Fr...]]

I'm am so lucky to have all of you for support.  It's good to know that the depressive thoughts ease up.

 

I'm so excited that some of you have come so far and are seeing such healing.  What a blessing that is.

 

Last night around 9PM things settled down and although my head feels clear today, I don't trust it. The weird chemical anxiety is present underneath, so I'm still scared.

xo,

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Lisa, sounds like you are on your way to rolling out of this wave. ...So sorry that one was so intense. You have come so far....one day at a time...do whatever it takes in a given day.

....Hold on a few more months, I think you will see things start a gradual but very perceptible improvement. ..So glad to hear that at least some of the intensity is winding down....Wishing you a much better day..  coop

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop,

 

my issue is that thus far these semi windows only last 24 hours so who knows what tomorrow will be like.  That causes me such angst.

 

Lisa

[[ga...]]

Hi Lisa.

 

Come over to the 12-18 month thread.  Lately I have experienced pretty much what you are dealing with.  Hit me more or less out of the blue.  Early morning wakeups with lots of intrusive thoughts topped with more anxiety/depression.  It has gotten harder to shake the past week.  You talk of angst....we I have just that.  So very frustrating at 18 months.  Thankfully, no physical sxs but the mental ones are so difficult to deal with.  I am assured by so many this is just the process we go through and will get better.  I am holding onto that thought.

 

Best to you.

 

Garton

[[Co...]]

Lisa, all of my windows were 24 hours or a little less. I think I had one window that was almost 48 hours...and then I would return to a baseline that was the same as prior to the window..for the most part. A few of those windows were 100% effortless mind windows. I had a few windows in month 4 and a few from month 6-11.

....What seems to be happening now is a greatly improved baseline . A gradual  but reliable shift from at least as many good days as bad and possibly moving towards more good days,than bad. I had the pattern of one good day and then 2-3 days of various sx at levels of intensity. ..Now.. 2-3 good days ( that may include mild to moderate manageable sx) followed by 1-2 days of really good 85-90% baseline. The improvement I see is on my baseline rather than the window. For me windows usually had an element of euphoria. My baseline is a steady normal positive day of clarity and manageable sx and the ability to do whatever I want to in my day while being clear and connected ...present in spite of mild to moderate sx.....and to experience feelings and emotions including happiness. This pattern seems to be holding but it is a rather new pattern ( I would say reliable since month 12.5).

.    Lisa, I would say that 1 good day followed by some bad days followed again by 1 or 2 good days is a good pattern of healing... though it is disheartening and one of the most difficult characteristics of late months healing....the good day/bad day pattern wears us down with so many disappointments. After some good days the idea of non-linear healing seems to be more than we can take after months and months of suffering.

.    This pattern that you are in will get better..  Wishing you a wide open window to encourage you ... coop

 

[[Co...]]

I agree with Garton...visit the 12-18 month group and I think you will see many buddies experiencing the up and down that you are. I am pretty sure I have another 10 months of healing in front of me, but based on what I am reading on the 12-18 month posts, it seems that the second year is a reliable less in of sx and what Michael calls " re-entey"....practicing living in the world again ...taking some risks and learning to trust our healing.  And as Green tells us, " no one is getting left behind"... I am holding on to that..  coop

[[Sk...]]

Lisa, if you saw  my mood log, it is crazy. I am regularly sick every 24 hours. Forget the window part, I just have less symptoms after 24 hours. I have started planning around it ,that is leaving harder tasks for when I am less sick.

It is frustrating and maddening. I believe MRD, said after 2 months it should calm down, but I am still fully in it.

 

Another thing, on the day off wd, which is what I call my non sick  day, I get crushing anxiety. So, I am well, but I don't get to enjoy it because I am overwhelmed by anxiety !!

 

I have almost come to not look forward to the better days, there's no way of winning this one. 

 

Everybody, I am not here so much anymore, I can't make it, I can only manage one thread at a time. I am not like you super healed guys who can hop around the forum without your head swimming!! 

Which just goes to show how different wd is for all of us. I do lurk though.

 

Sending smiles and healing thoughts your way.

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop, Sky and Garton,  I will check out that other thread too.

 

It sounds like this pattern is fairly common then.  I will look forward to it expanding into longer periods of better days.

 

Sky, yes I have some of the anxiety still on my good days too, but it seems to improve as the day wears on.

 

I am excited to watch us all improve.

[[Co...]]

So sorry Sky that you are caught in that one good day/ one bad day up and down. It truly stinks to have anxiety on your ' good' days..  We are all with you Sky..Wishing you a restful and peaceful night .    And a better day tomorrow with no anxiety..  .coop

[[Gr...]]

Yes, Lisa I've been there many times...the thing is now that my mental sx  are all gone I can see that the s thoughts really were not me at all. I'm 100% positive that this is not who you really are. Its a bad wave that causes those thoughts, its all w/d . you are gonna make it Lisa!! Keep posting, we all love you. Jenny

 

Lisa,

 

Just like Jenny, my mental symptoms are gone, too.  They disappeared after the 12th month.  And Jenny is right, the thoughts are not us at all. 

 

Hang on, this is going to end.  And keep on posting.  You're helping people, and people are helping you.  Isolation is a killer in withdrawal.  People here are the only ones who understand what we go through, what you're going through.

 

Susan :smitten:

[[Fr...]]

This is just so bizarre.  Yesterday was a really decent day of doing many nice things with my husband out in the world, we ate breakfast at a cool new place, walked at the Y, walked into town for a late afternoon snack, shopped (it's been in the 40s here lately), wrapped gifts, wrote out some cards, ate dinner next door at a little place, then watched tv together.  At bedtime, my body even felt relaxed.

 

Then somewhere in the middle of the night it switched over to a wave.  My bladder woke me up, then I could see I am in aching pain and that my brain feels badly.

 

Does anyone else get the sensation that their body tightens or locks up.  That's what happens inside me.  It's like how I picture rigor mortis setting in---a tightening sensation all over that is painful---I will say that it is decreasing in intensity though from last summer.

 

Sky---I'm sorry you're having this pattern too.  It's so frustrating.

 

I hope everyone is feeling better today.

 

Thank you for being there and listening to my endless blah blah blah.

 

[[Lo...]]

Well the good news! My balance was better, low anxiety and some head/ear pressure (not as much) off and on Wed-Friday, Saturday was a good day...just felt fatigued.

 

The Bad News:

The window closed Sunday around 6pm. Back to inner ear stuff, feeling all over the place, had a couple of dizzy spells (seconds), feeling like I'm still in the car moving when I'm not & sound sensitivity.

 

Its hard when you get relief and then get slammed with symptoms again.

 

But I will be grateful for the relief of symptoms (window). Having a relief more often than I've had shows signs of improvement.

 

Healing is here! 

[[...]]

Yes, FreeofV I totally can relate. Saturday was horrible, went to bed expecting Sunday to be equally bad. It wasn't, after a slow start it just got better and I was able to do so much I couldn't believe it so I kept going. Went to bed feeling positive and relaxed. Didn't sleep too well as I new I had to get to work somehow, did sleep some though. Today back to rubbish, feeling low, the pain which disappeared completely yesterday was back in the early hours.

I totally agree about feeling well only to get slammed again. It's exhausting and so cruel, however if we have come this far we can make it all the way and we should be proud of our strong selves.

[[Lo...]]

Yes, FreeofV I totally can relate. Saturday was horrible, went to bed expecting Sunday to be equally bad. It wasn't, after a slow start it just got better and I was able to do so much I couldn't believe it so I kept going. Went to bed feeling positive and relaxed. Didn't sleep too well as I new I had to get to work somehow, did sleep some though. Today back to rubbish, feeling low, the pain which disappeared completely yesterday was back in the early hours.

I totally agree about feeling well only to get slammed again. It's exhausting and so cruel, however if we have come this far we can make it all the way and we should be proud of our strong selves.

 

Yay, it's pretty wicked to feel well and then boom...slammed again!  :'(