6-12 month thread....

[[mr...]]

A quick check in....

 

Window closed! Feeling all of the mental stuff today, but it's been a little more manageable than usual so far, which is good because we are hosting a office cocktail party tonight in our home. I pray that I can have everything ready and get through it with some grace and comfort. I hate this mental stuff, the anxiety and sense of irrational panic at every turn. The only thing that I can do is just be mindful of it and just let it flow by...all the while feeling crazy as a loon!

 

Wishing all of you continued and rapid healing! -R.

 

Hang in there, it gets so much better!!

 

Mrs.

[[63...]]

robert, hey there jumping buddy, how old are you? I get those heart palps with that tight band feeling around my rib cage. I get worried about it because I am 60. Do your windows last for days or just hours? I have windows and waves w/i same day. Dr, Melemis, Canadian doc, reports those early in WD will have windows/waves daily and as healing progreses the windows will spread from hours into days. Have you found that to be true with your healing? Since day one, I have never had a full day of a window.

 

Hello Cindy,

 

I'm in my early 50's, so when I went to the Dr to get checked out for chest pain, etc they took it seriously given my age. I've had a great deal of tests: echo cardiogram, stress test, etc. All came back negative...it is all withdrawal! My windows can last a little more than a day, maby two before symptoms rev up. Sometimes what happens though is that the symptoms might not rev up as high and go back down all in a 24 hour period. That said, I had a near week long window once in September, go figure!

[[63...]]

A quick check in....

 

Window closed! Feeling all of the mental stuff today, but it's been a little more manageable than usual so far, which is good because we are hosting a office cocktail party tonight in our home. I pray that I can have everything ready and get through it with some grace and comfort. I hate this mental stuff, the anxiety and sense of irrational panic at every turn. The only thing that I can do is just be mindful of it and just let it flow by...all the while feeling crazy as a loon!

 

Wishing all of you continued and rapid healing! -R.

 

Hang in there, it gets so much better!!

 

Mrs.

 

 

Thanks Mrs! I'm so pleased that you are doing so well! Take care, -R.

[[Fr...]]

Congratulations MRS on your success.  I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling quite well and hope it continues for you.

 

Hi Robert, I too have a day to a day and a half windows and had a consecutive five days in October; go figure.  I hope your party goes well for you tonight.

 

Cindy - the burning I get usually starts in my right ankle and it then depends what happens from there.  It goes up my stiff neck.  It all goes along with my brain feeling off too.  It's all brain generated from what I can see.  When the gaba receptors weaken my cns becomes over active and thus the pain and stiffness.  It's hard for me to distract when it's difficult.  I use a shiatsu vibrating neck pillow I got at CVS that seems to help.

 

Today has been ok thus far but this is after two tough days.

 

I hope you all have a nice night.

[[Co...]]

Robert and Cindys....I am at about month 13.5...maybe a little more ( Dec 4 is my jump date). The window patterns you both describe seems typical for w/d. Up until month 11/12 I had had only one window that lasted more than 24 hours. I have had a few windows, some sunbreaks and a couple of 100% effortless mind days along the way. ..and yes, from months 6 all the way through month 11 sunbreaks that cycled in and out throughout the day. Right about at the one year mark things just shifted to a much better baseline ( about 85-90% consistently). That held for a pretty solid 2 weeks. Having said that, I am just now emerging from a 3 day wave with really bad physical pain in my muscles and joints...throughout my entire body, but the mental sx such as depression, health fear and d/r were there but much less than in the past during a wave. As this wave is lifting I am feeling nearly completely normal and back to at least a 90% baseline. .. In summation, I see my best improvement along my baseline rather than in frequency and duration of wave/windows. ...Greenice also speaks of a rather sudden shift towards normalcy and healing around month 12/13 following a bad wave. She is still doing great .

  ..Yes, the chest/back tightness and pain is something that seems prevelant all the way through. I also have had several cardiac tests after 2 panicked trips to er ( once in month 4 and once in month 6)......all tests,were good. I still have minor bouts of palps and /or spiking b/p  lasting just for short times. Head pressure was the last sx to let up so it seems. I had it from month 6 through month 11.. .now I get short bouts of it and still wake up with headaches in the morning often, but they generally go away after I have been up for a little while. ...I think you will see continued improvements in the next few months. ...I also am in the 60s ( 65)....I go back and forth on wondering if age has influenced my healing. In a bad wave I feel 95, but within my improved baseline I feel 55.  There are many of us in the 6-18 month time frame who are in our 60s and I can't see very much difference in sx, patterns of windows/waves, intensity of sx or length of time for healing. .

. ....Juse keep it going...you are both doing a really great job of holding on and moving forward....Wishing you both big sunbreaks and better baselines.....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Lisa, ...you are sounding good....boy, have we traveled far and hard. Like you, my baseline is so much better....and like you, I have just emerged from a 3 day wave..  but having emerged my baseline is holding at least at 90%.

....We are so much better Lisa...I remember the terrible time you had with head pressure all summer (  mine is just now reliably better too). So glad to hear that you are consistently feeling better..  our lives are coming back. .  coop

[[dr...]]

Coop-fantastic news! 

 

Robert-I'm 46 and they still scared the shit out of me recently and I had all the tests. 

 

[[ci...]]

Robert, I hate the mental worse than the physical. The "fear" left me 6 weeks ago. When I am in my rational mind I can deal with the physical pain, much better. Thanks for sharing your pattern of windows/waves in a day, that is me and helps me to realize when others have it , too, that I'll be ok. I also had EKG, a month ago, which showed a rapid heartbeat, and they will repeat EKG next week. I know it is WD. Good luck with the party, everytime you get thru those social events it helps build your confidence.

 

Mrs, congrats on Month 1, I read success stories last night, thank you!

 

Lisa, a vibrating pillow, I have not heard of that one? My internal vibrations are enough for me, but does the pillow work? As weird as it sounds a hot shower helps my neuropathic pain ease up. Lately, epson salts baths have helped with sleep for me, but I take no more than 3 epson salts baths a week, because of the mg. (Too much mg can be a problem with some)

 

Coop, thank you so much for staying on this 6-12 month thread. We need you here. Just knowing you have traveled this path before us, with all these crazy sxs, gives me the reassurance I need. Having you "seniors" guide us thru this process, helps light our way, and even lessens the fear.

 

Wishing you all a good night.

[[Co...]]

Cindys , believe me I still need to be here myself for support. When I am wavy or my head pressure comes back I am very easily convinced by my irrational mind that listens to the Benzo Beast that tells me all the same lies as the ones I heard from the beginning. ...Peace, Michael, Green, Lisa, Jenny, Healing Hope and Beulah ...and our friend Lifeforme have held my hand every step of the way.

  ...I also have a rapid heart beat ( not constantly anymore). My beta blocker calms it down. I take 6 Mg of atenolol ( the usual starting dose is 25 Mg but that was way too much for me). I was prescribed it initially for spiking b/p, palps, panic and rapid ( about 90 bpm) heart beat....these were ALL w/d sx...they were all calmed by the beta blocker. My physician prescribed it "as needed" due to the effective low dose. It was also helpful for headaches. I am not trying to convince you to take a medication ...I just know how scary heart sx can be...and how when they are intense relief can make a difference in how your day or night goes. ...Now I only take it very infrequently as my heart sx are so much better. Lavender Epsome salts hot bath soaks also helped my pounding heart sx....Ask your physician to run a complete thyroid panel too...It gets better...coop

[[Co...]]

Mrs,...congratulations on your one month off...you are on your way!....you are going to make it all the way...I know you are....coop

[[mr...]]

Thought I'd post this here, too!

 

If you've ever had "fear" or "panic" or "anxiety" from withdrawal, reading this buddy's posting history may be "just what the doctor ordered" so to speak!

 

This girl...dang I can't say enough about her...thus girl had some of the ickiest benzo "fear/panic/anxiety/agoraphobia-desires" that I've read, yet she kept on living life exactly as she did before withdrawal -- doing things like driving to work everyday with a one-hour commute one way, eating whatever, pursuing her masters and going to school, working full time, etc etc etc...and those are just the things I can remember off the top of my head. I love this girl because she gave me example, reason, and proof that we can "feel the fear and do it anyways". God was the number one reason of course, but her posting history may be the number one vessel He used that kept me from giving in to fearful thoughts and temptations of agoraphobia. Well, that and a few other buddies here (including drew! )

 

Anyways, I hope you enjoy and draw some strength from it as I have Take care buddies

 

Speaking of Northofhere!, here's the buddy, whose withdrawal journey and post history is my favorite, here is her most recent update, as of today

 

I hope you enjoy it!

 

So- my last success update was a year ago. I have posted in other threads here and there, but wanted to update this thread for those of you who need that confirmation that healing can happen. I am now three years out. I have forgotten, until I read these old posts, how truly far things have come. I am back to my old self. I exercise when motivated, watch scary movies, eat some junk, drink a bit of wine and have taken over the counter pain relief- which I avoided for years now. I am back to my old anxious self, which is nothing compared to the terrified withdrawal self I was. I managed to finish grad school, and am on to a PhD, did not lose my job, in spite of some unbelievably bad days. Most of what I went through was so intense, yet only really noticeable by me, not others. I do not wake up freaked out, and I am no longer dizzy 24/7.

If I could give one statement, and only one, of advice, it would be to stay the course, regardless of what weird stuff withdrawal throws at you. Keep reminding yourself its all part of your own personal healing process, its not something wrong, its the path to getting right again.

I am entering the holiday season, and ever so grateful I made it past w/d and into the light again. But the truth is, that was never in question. Healing was always the end result, waiting to happen. I just needed to stay the course, and keep shuffling and stumbling and weaving like a drunken sailor to the finish line.

I'm there, and at some point you will be too. Til then,

north

[[Co...]]

"It is not something wrong...it is the path to right".  My new mantra....Thank you Mrs.. .I love the success quotes and stories that you take the time to post for us. They never fail to breathe a little more hope, resilience and strength into my day.  ...coop

[[Co...]]

Just a little fyi...I was over on the head pressure group and someone posted an encouraging bit of information for those still having issues with vertigo, boatyness or tinnitus. She had a visit with her ENT due to continued dizziness. He happened to be benzo savy and told her that benzos supress the mysterious workings of the ear, thus healing of dizziness etc takes time. ...I still have some swaying / inner motion sensations from time to time so this was reassuring. Hope this helps .....coop

[[No...]]

Thanks Coop ... that helps ... if our nervous system is "global" ... then the possible effects of benzos can be very wide spread ...

 

My little mantra ... "I took the drug, it changed things ... I stopped taking the drug ... things are changing again" ...

 

[[Co...]]

Michael..yep, ...the mantra always seems to be change and acceptance.  Sigh....hope you found good things at the market. Your cold wet windy weather migrated to the PNW.. I don't live on the rainy side of Washington State....we usually have lots of snow...freezing temps and sunshine...just rain and wind today...on my way to take the dog out....ohhh do I have to?  Have a very good day......coop

[[Fr...]]

Coop, thanks for all the kind words and support.  I am so delighted to see you doing better overall.

 

I am not doing well and am having a really rough day again.  I feel in tears constantly, so full of bodily pain and massive awful feelings inside my brain that feel like depression or total despondency.  I don't even know how to keep on distracting today.

 

I figure that I'm sick 67 percent of my life right now because I have around 2 1/2 decent days a week usually.

 

How does one stay positive?  And I feel that I am lagging and will never get well since nothing seems to improve.  I am at a loss today and don't even know what to do with myself. 

 

I don't even come here much anymore because I may drag others down.

[[dr...]]

Lisa....you did a very fast taper after long term use.  It will take some time but you are healing.  It takes on average 14 months to heal.  I figure all of us long term users are in for two years.  Do you feel better than 3 months ago?  6 months ago?  You are healing but this drags us all down.  We get knocked to the canvas many times in the fight but we always get up before the ten count.  Don't shy away from posting as you don't drag me down.  I know I've been an anchor several times

[[No...]]

Lisa ... for many of us, and probably you, this is a time of just staying with it ... and I know how hard that is ... many of us do ...

 

It can be very hard at times to sense our "bearing" ... to feel things are moving in a positive direction ...

 

And ... you do not drag others down ... that is a benzo lie ... maybe trying to "cut you off" from one of your places of support ...

 

And the time this process can take ... often it just wears us down ... and we always find enough energy to move through another day ...

 

We will get through this ...

 

We come here ... tell our stories ... receive and give blessings and support ... that is what we do ... we all heal, one day at a time ...

 

You are getting there ... one day this will all be either forgotten or just a distant memory of a tremendous accomplishment ...

 

[[Fr...]]

Thanks for the kind words Drew and Nova.  Today is a day full of tears.  I just cried to my husband that I feel like I'm mentally crazy inside my head.  Yesterday was a decent day where I was myself (I still had some nerve pain in my legs, fatigue and some chemical anxiety that  I worked around) and I had a clear head.  At night, I even felt sleepy and pretty relaxed, but during the night things changed.

 

This happens over and over.  Getting up is so hard so I lay there and watch sermons on my computer for a while to get myself a tad upbeat.

 

Basically, I feel like I have a bad flu mixed with small fiber neuropathy mixed with mdd and that's what I wake up to 2 out of 3 days.

 

How do I keep going on?  And for how long?  I'm so worn out and scared that I do have the last two things.

 

I see some symptoms drop off but I am as sick as day one.

 

It's scary.

[[Co...]]

Lisa, I know where you are at. At 10/11 months I had one of my worst waves...Green  had a doozy at the 10 month mark too. I just emerged from a 3 day wave at 13.5 months out.

..Lisa, don't worry about not coming on in an effort to not drag people down. Most of us are experiencing the same ups and downs and feelings of being stuck here forever. We get it ...and we know that what goes down eventually comes back up. ..If you can hang on a few more months I would bet money that you will start seeing improvements in your baseline if not consistently with waves/windows. I remember how awfull your summer was...you havery improved, we just can't see it when we are wavy. At months 10/11 I also had only a few days a week of ' good' ...Now at 13.5 that is starting to stretch out . In my entire first year of recovery I never had a stretch of more than 2-2.5 days that felt normal. It was right at month 12.5 that I felt a definite shift in which I knew in my bones that I was healing even though I still had sx. ...and I just went through a few days of that awful body pain that you describe...it lifted and my body feels normal again. Green had a but of bad body pain a month or so ( I think) ago.  You are going g to be ok Lisa. I am sorry you are in that ' too tired , worn out and discouraged to give a damn' space. ...You really are rounding home base Lisa..  ( I couldn't distract very well either in that place..the best I could do was endure and watch movies). .. pm me any time...you are going to heal too Lisa.  As Green says, " no one is getting left behind"....I believe her..  Wishing you a little sunshine Lisa..  coop

[[63...]]

Lisa,

 

I know it is scary and feels hopeless, what you are going through now. You ask how do i keep going on? The answer lies in just doing what got you this far: living one moment, one hour, and one day at a time. Please watch the "what if" thoughts, the what if I don't heal, etc.. They are just thoughts, nothing more. Please continue to post, you are not bringing anyone of us here down. That's what this thread is about, mutual support from those who really know what it is to be in withdrawal, who are in it with you. You will get through this! Sending love and prayers your way. -R.

[[Co...]]

Lisa, I also had ( and still have sometimes) that one good day, one or two bad days pattern...then out of the blue I had 2 weeks of almost all normal.. then a three day wave and now at a 90% baseline again with a little NORMAL ' empty nest' blue....Nova is right I think...it's about just staying with it ..when we are so worn out from the long trek. Someone described this phase as mile 26 of a marathon ...so close to the end, but in so many ways the most difficult mile.

.....cry all you want...it helps.  coop

[[mr...]]

Lisa,

 

You're no bother to me You realize that the whole point of the forum is for support, right? So I say, come and get it, girl When you're hurting most is when its important to come & get it anyways -- left alone w/ the "benzo voice" too long, and you'll start to think its true! (And its not, they're all lies!)

 

I just want to give you a snapshot of my personal experiences...

 

My worst time in withdrawal had me in bed/on the sofa for 16-18 hours per day. Walking a short walk around the block left me a vibrating, tachycardiac-ed, akathisia-stic mess. During this time also I was feeling extreme feelings and temptations towards agoraphobia, monophobia, and hypochondria, and fighting with my life to not give in to it (i.e. almost every moment of my day was spent living the phrase "feel the fear and do it anyways"). I couldn't stand near the stove, take a warm shower, or be outdoors in the sun as I was so "heat sensitive". Hearing the sound of our landlord cutting the grass outside had me running to hide in the bathroom or under my covers, covering my ears in "fear". Rainstorms sent me reeling into panic many times. I couldn't think straight, focus, remember things/dates/times, etc. Couldn't read or listen to music or audios. Couldn't watch anything more intense than kids movies. I struggled to eat 1,600 calories in a day, and lost 30-40lbs (became underweight for my height) because of it. I was "one hair trigger" from panic just about every moment of the day. I slept 3-5 hours per night, in broken doses. Feeling "good" emotions were almost nonexistent -- I mostly felt fear, anxiety, depression, despair, hopelessness, despondence, a "dryness" of spirit, unbelief, lack of faith, etc etc etc...

 

I'm certainly not even close to a "worst case" scenario. I probably have my slow taper to thank for that.

I could go on and on about all my symptoms at the toughest time, but they're all things you've heard and/or experienced. I will reiterate that all of the above were present, in varying capacities, during my toughest time in withdrawal, to date.

 

Fast forward to today. I am sitting in here, at a healthy weight, with a (almost too) healthy appetite. a highly energetic business conference, that is located four hour's drive from my hometown, in a big city. We drove through cold fog this morning to get here. I'm happy. I'm laughing. I'm bouncing around the room, catching up with old friends. I'm eating foods along the way that I buy! In fast food restaurants & stores! I can think, write, articulate, engage, etc. Very little "fear" thoughts or "despair". Not perfect, but life is GOOD. And I'm making progress, thank you Lord.

 

I tell you all of this to tell you this. That "toughest timeframe" I refer to? That was the month of August of this year, 2014.

 

Three and a half months ago.

 

It can change that much, that quickly. Just. Like. That.

 

Its inevitable that a corner's going to eventually turn for you -- it could be tomorrow! And one day (probably sooner than you think), "tomorrow" will be today

 

Mrs.

[[Fr...]]

Thanks everyone for cheering me on. My husband will appreciate it too.  I just made through church in so much nerve pain that I can't even describe it because it's out of human description.  We lit candles and I cried and cried.  My husband cried too and told me how sorry he is for all the pain I'm going through.  I have constant SI, won't do it, don't worry, but the pain and crazy brain feelings have me think that way. I stay quiet because I have those thoughts in every wave which is 70 percent of my life.  It's really hard.

 

MRS - I'm sorry you've been through so much as you describe but so happy that you're out on the other side.

 

Coop - so happy for you that things are way better.

 

Nova and Robert, thank you so much for the support.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Lisa, ...I am not there yet, but getting there.. you are going to be on the other side of this too...thinking of you ....coop