6-12 month thread....

[[Co...]]

Jen, yes...hypochondria for me has been my biggest craziness in p/w. I did not have it before benzos....now eavery body sensation from palps to tinnitus makes me think I am dying ..for real. I know it is w/d b/c in a window it goes away. I am going to be that old lady who has a failing heart at age 98 and says, " See!  I told you something was wrong with me!".......

....I am working so hard to keep mine in check.  I finally just don't care.  If I die I die ..but I am taking the hypochondria down with me...lol..........

......Jen......hoping your better day stays open all day....coop

[[wh...]]

Hi guys.  Me too.  I think I'm dying all the time.  Stops me from living.  WTF?  Is this DP/DR?  Do you guys have that too.  I just went for a walk but I didn't feel anything.  My emotions are so blunted right now.  Except fear it can really grab me.  You guys too. 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Coop---

 

I'm sorry you have to deal with RA on top of the wd.  Do you take plaquenil?

 

Your tip about the artwork is a good one.  I need to remember that everything is about the journey and not the destination, cliche I know, but true.  Working with little kids is a blast.

 

Keep feeling better!

Lisa

[[Co...]]

WhootWhoot....yes that definitely sounds like d/r d/p....for me it often accompanies the fear/anxiety and hypochondria. Mine comes and goes now. All of this will go away with healing. We just have to keep puttin one foot in front of the other. Me too, I feel like I am not living for fear of dying. So frustrating. I cycle in and out of dealing with my hypochondria. After a certain amount of time I just get so mad at the whole thing I go do whatever it is I want to do.. sometimes that whatever it was that I wanted to do stresses me and then I am back at the beginnining of the cycle again...tired afraid hypochuondia..laying low until I can't stand not living again.  At 7 months and one week off of ativan my ability to go outvin spite of active s/x is getting a better, but I still don't always feel ' connected ' to whatever it is that I went out for.

.......Sometimes it helps to just accept the fact that your feel like you are only going through the motions. This drug will steal our lives if we let it...

.....Does your d/r lift with time throughout the day? ....Sorry you are in the clutches of this...wish we all had a fast forward button that would get us to month12-14.. Until then I am holding on tight to Life 's post...he knows the way right now to the Mother Ship....it will get better Shoot.....coop

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Free...no I don't take anything for my RA...years ago, after trying steroids, opiates, and a few biological I had the good sense to say no thanks to all of it and learned to live with my s/x. a piece of cake compared to w/d from benzos. I am retired now so resting is easier and now I have an electrical wheelchair that really makes my life easier when I am out and the walker is too hard. I never even think about my RA these days.. It took something as simple as an ear virus some vertigo and ativan tolerance to thoroughly ruin my life. ...If I could get back to simply managing my RA life would be a song....We will get there....all of us.....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova...how is your day going along?  Are you getting any sunbreaks? My window this morning was a lot like yours yesterday....open for a few hours and then a return of all my current s/x.  but it opened again and I hope yours did too. .coop

[[wh...]]

Thanks coop.  It does lift when I relax. I know it is just a symptom of anxiety.  I also live in a brand new city and am trying to get used to it here.  Good place; good people.  You are so strong with all you've been through.  Thanks for the support.  We will get through this and I'm going to sue big pharma.....No one else should have to go through this.  Lots of love to you and strength. God this is hard some times.

[[Co...]]

Whoot ...how long have you been off? ...I only had brief episodes of d/r d/p in the early months of p/w...it has been in month 6/7 that they are lasting 1/2 day or a little longer.. but now they are starting to be less frequent at month 7 + 10 days.  Moving to a new city is a challenge for sure! If you can move to a new city during p/w I would say that you have this.  Your are doing great.

....just keep going forward... one day at a time.......coop

[[li...]]

Good Morning - Went out early yesterday morning to get my new desktop computer. Got it and while waiting for the cab to come became aware that nothing was going on - no symptoms ... nothing ... nothing ... nothing ... got home and sat down. Nothing going on ... completely, utterly clear. The volume wasn't turned down, it was turned off. Window? All I know is that I have not felt like this in over 20 years.

 

Went out on the patio and just sat there, breathing. Sat for three hours ... hearing through clear ears, seeing through clear eyes, feeling air on my skin, feeling warmth on my face. Feeling totally "flat" , nothing stirring, nothing vibrating, nothing churning. Joy? Smiling.

 

Then I started feeling the utter exhaustion in my body. Each cell feels tired. Feels like I went 20 rounds in the ring with a mad kangaroo. Went with the exhaustion, followed it around, felt it wherever it was. And then the tears ... and tears ... and tears. And a releasing ... an emptying ... 66 years of the trauma the child-man has been carrying.

 

And then the quiet ... breathing ... breathing ... breathing.

 

Sat for another long while ... resting ... breathing ... accepting ... no thinking ... no mind ... just being right here, right now.

 

30 years of work and practice have accompanied me to this moment. Utter joy and gratitude.

 

And sat for another while ... and gradually, slowly, a little here, a little there the symptoms returned. One by one, they came back. And that is okay. I can live with this. I have lived with this for so long and survived. There will be other moments. I have been given a gift. It is embedded in the cells of my memory. I am grateful for those few hours ... and they are not in the past, they didn't just happen yesterday. They are right here, right now ... they will accompany me during the remainder of this journey, they will be present for me for the remainder of my days.

 

Namaste.

 

 

...I remember that moment and I wrote a post on "the best I have felt in 20 years". Exactly how I worded it. There are better things coming your way. Windows will start to open for you and your mind will start having quicker healing. You watch.

 

life

[[wh...]]

hi coop  ive been totally off for 6 weeks  the dp/dr gets  really bad when I'm anxious of course  I try to ground myself and feel what's around me.  I find with the Withdrawal makes me so unsure about my feelings.  Sometimes I feel nothing.  Fear seems to creep thru but lately the other good stuff is harder to find.  Im trying to learn from all this...who I am...what I want to be.  I've always had low self esteem and come from a dysfunctional family with a lot of stress over the years.  I just want this last part of my journey to be filled with love and family and fun. 

So sorry you've been thru so much too.  wow  Life hey.  I thought I had it all figured out. 

[[Fr...]]

Hi Coop,

 

Yes I understand about the wd being worse than RA. 

 

My window closed on me.  The windows seem to be better and longer.

 

I'm back to wiped out and my head overactive.  Hopefully this will pass soon.

 

Healing to you all,

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Free, you are doing great for just coming off in Feb...  I am sorry your window closed..one day they will just stay open .....wishing you a peaceful night....coop

[[Gr...]]

Good Morning - Went out early yesterday morning to get my new desktop computer. Got it and while waiting for the cab to come became aware that nothing was going on - no symptoms ... nothing ... nothing ... nothing ... got home and sat down. Nothing going on ... completely, utterly clear. The volume wasn't turned down, it was turned off. Window? All I know is that I have not felt like this in over 20 years.

 

Went out on the patio and just sat there, breathing. Sat for three hours ... hearing through clear ears, seeing through clear eyes, feeling air on my skin, feeling warmth on my face. Feeling totally "flat" , nothing stirring, nothing vibrating, nothing churning. Joy? Smiling.

 

Then I started feeling the utter exhaustion in my body. Each cell feels tired. Feels like I went 20 rounds in the ring with a mad kangaroo. Went with the exhaustion, followed it around, felt it wherever it was. And then the tears ... and tears ... and tears. And a releasing ... an emptying ... 66 years of the trauma the child-man has been carrying.

 

And then the quiet ... breathing ... breathing ... breathing.

 

Sat for another long while ... resting ... breathing ... accepting ... no thinking ... no mind ... just being right here, right now.

 

30 years of work and practice have accompanied me to this moment. Utter joy and gratitude.

 

And sat for another while ... and gradually, slowly, a little here, a little there the symptoms returned. One by one, they came back. And that is okay. I can live with this. I have lived with this for so long and survived. There will be other moments. I have been given a gift. It is embedded in the cells of my memory. I am grateful for those few hours ... and they are not in the past, they didn't just happen yesterday. They are right here, right now ... they will accompany me during the remainder of this journey, they will be present for me for the remainder of my days.

 

Namaste.

 

Nova, that was so beautifully said.  It's really a gift to be able to find the right words to convey this feeling.  I am very, very happy for you

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi Coop,

 

Yes I understand about the wd being worse than RA. 

 

My window closed on me.  The windows seem to be better and longer.

 

I'm back to wiped out and my head overactive.  Hopefully this will pass soon.

 

Healing to you all,

Lisa

 

Lisa, "wiped out."  Are you dealing with fatigue?

[[Gr...]]

hi coop  ive been totally off for 6 weeks  the dp/dr gets  really bad when I'm anxious of course  I try to ground myself and feel what's around me.  I find with the Withdrawal makes me so unsure about my feelings.  Sometimes I feel nothing.  Fear seems to creep thru but lately the other good stuff is harder to find.  Im trying to learn from all this...who I am...what I want to be.  I've always had low self esteem and come from a dysfunctional family with a lot of stress over the years.  I just want this last part of my journey to be filled with love and family and fun. 

So sorry you've been thru so much too.  wow  Life hey.  I thought I had it all figured out.

 

Whoot,

 

you're just six weeks off?  You can't possible believe anything that's going on in your brain right now.  It's, as they say, benzo lies.  I had to put everything emotional on hold.  I still do.  Because emotional status takes a long time to stabilize.  Even my own children, whom I love dearly, I had to "act as if."  I was so messed up emotionally, so depressed, so angry, when I was at 6 weeks off.  So just take it nice and easy.  Be good and gentle to yourself.  This is very hard, but it's going to get so much better.  And look for threads that deal with what you're feeling at the time.  I still do that.  Whatever I'm going through, I google benzobuddies and whatever it is I'm going through.  I get a lot of answers.

 

Good luck.  Be well

Sue

[[pe...]]

Hi. I'm pulling my head out of my swirl of darkness and trying to soak up some of your light. There is a lot going on here. It sounds like many have had some glorious windows.

Coop, Nova, Lisa, Life it's so important to hear about all those blessed moments. I think it is the antidote for my worry. Please keep posting about them in all their glory. I'm so happy for each of you.

 

I hear what all of you are saying about health worries. My new one about the headache medicine is holding on tight. I'm going to try to set it in the corner and see if it will stay there without following me around the room. Jenny- the migraine medicine preceded the benzos.  It was not feeling well after that treatment that led me to try the Ad's and benzos. I won't know what's what for awhile. I just have to live with whatever this is. I'm going to try. I feel like I've had mini windows here and there but not many of any length. At 5 months out that scares me. Again, I'll be working hard to reframe and move forward. Thanks for your support.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Good Morning:

 

Thank you all for your posts. My first "window" experience was ... well I don't know what it was ... the feeling was pure joy and gratitude ... and I could finally release any doubt I had left that I am on my way.

 

This dissolved the last "what ifs" I have been carrying. You all know the "what ifs" we have been living with, what if I do not heal, what if I am the unique one that doesn't get over this, what if it is something else, what if I run of out of steam have to go back on these drugs, what if I need something to get me by ... and on and on.

 

Yes, the window did close. My little "symphony" returned. And you know, that is alright ... time to get on with some more healing.

 

This "doubt", this constant "wondering", the "what ifs" take some much of the energy I need for healing. Letting them go is truly a blessing.

 

Better hours and days to us all. Good Healing.

[[No...]]

Regarding the topic of "doctors" and interacting with them:

 

This may seem remarkable, but it wasn't until the first week of April this year that I finally, and completely owned that I am actually "sick". I finally woke up to the awareness that I am in recovery and started acting like it.

 

All these years I just knew there was something "wrong" and there was ... I just didn't realize what it actually was. I "chased" everything under the sun, over and over again. Looking for the validation that I had some illness. Yes, I knew the drugs were causing my problems ... but I was taking care of that, right? I knew all the side effects that would come my way, but I could handle those, right? I was a "dragon slayer", I would get through this. I can do anything.

 

And here, for me, is the subtle point, as long as I did not "own" the actual sickness I was experiencing, as long as it could be something else, I did not have to mentally experience the power the drugs had over me ... I could be stronger than the drugs. Addiction or dependence, doesn't matter, classic denial.

 

Here may be the biggest and most debilitating "Benzo Lie" of all: hey, it's not the drugs, it's you.

 

For me, this "accepting" that I was ill and in the process of recovery/healing ... "accepting" that I was living with something that I could not directly influence, manage, handle, etc. ... helped my mind to rest and relax a little. And it was at this time that my insomnia and my 2 hour a night dozing eased up. Okay, sure, now I doze/sleep 4 - 5 hours a night ... but that is much better than before.

 

And lastly, for me, this was the "getting out of my own way" I have spoken about. Let my body do its thing ... "getting out of the kitchen" ... this sense that I did not have to look after "everything" was part of my release and acceptance.

 

Oh well, sorry, long-winded again.

 

(Caveat: Some folks do indeed have additional health/physical issues ... and I cannot even imagine how that must play for them while going through recovery/healing. I am only speaking for myself.)

 

Take care.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Peace, what you are experiencing is so benzo p/w...part of benzo hypochondria is focusing and obssessing about one s/x. It does take on a life of its own and can be absolutely convincing. I have not found a reliable trick to back it down other than tons of distraction and the passage of time. You did the right thing in checking with your doctor. ( I pulled my doc into the s/x chase with me and demanded thyroid panels....3x ....and 24 hour urine adrenal panel...they all came back normal). I still have moments when I doubt the lab results simply because my thyroid is enlarged...a very common benign condition needing no treatment other than yearly ultrasound monitoring. During waves of s/x I obsessed about it..during a window,  at worst it is a mild infrequent background whisper of irrational concern...Avoid Googling your s/x if you can as that is like pouring gasoline on a fire. Did the pharmacist get back to you? ...This will pass or at least wax and wane. As you go further in healing you will find a rational perspective on it. Nova speaks beautifully of his dance with hypochondria in his last post. Hypochondria has been my most challenging s/x...every body sensation...which are endless and ever changing in w/d , grabbed onto my anxiety I believed without doubt that I was dying. Greenice also speaks of relentless hypochondria. Read Fliprain 's success story..she spent years and a life times savings chasing hypochondria ( her story is amazing). .  Peace, this is truly a tough one, but try to distract from it as much as possible. ...All of has thought with unshakable conviction that we were the exception to the healing from benzo w/d. Life was sure that his depression was permanent...at 8 months off he experiencing more good days than bad...and getting his life back. ...you will too.....coop

[[Co...]]

A positive note..  I know as soon as I tap this out it will be jinxed and vanish...but here goes....I have had 24 hours ( excepting for some waxing. waning)  of complete let up of anxiety....what a welcome breather. The shaking, head pressure, dire prediction of looming death, hypochondria, and fear have all,  for the most part have not been present for a day and held through the evening and night. I have felt connected and present in my own life.

    I so want this to hold...I woke this morning with only my usual normal manageable RA pain...a piece of cake...but vewry little cortisol surge....and no anxiety or depression. 

  ..I am looking forward to my day. ..Wow...that is such z good feeling and so absent from my life these past 3 years I don't even know how to tnink about it ..This morning I woke up feeling normal and present and looking forward to the day.  I am bowing down with gratittude....coop

[[Co...]]

Nova, I never feel that your posts are ' long winded. ". Your posts are always so beautifully stated and helpful. I write long posts as well. Mine are winding and circular. Yours always make sense. I loveyour reflection on " getting out of our own way ". ..and trusting our bodies natural bend towards health and healing. W/D is a debilitating condition in and of itself...thank you for reminding us that ' being with " , patience and gentleness with ourselveas are agents of healing.

  Nova.  wishing you more wonderful sunbreaks and peace....coop

[[No...]]

Coop - so glad to hear things are holding for you ... I always get that "I am gonna jinx this" feeling when the volume turns down for me ... I sometimes find myself trying to not think about it so I won't disturb the feeling ... and then I laugh ... "I am trying not to think about this while thinking about it" ...

oh well ... have a good day ... we are all on the healing train.

 

Good Healing.

[[No...]]

peace2 - this really is a riddle for you. And with our addled minds and stressed feelings it is very hard to even try to make sense of where you are right now. Would it help to put things aside for a while ... you said  "I won't know what is what for a while" ... time is always our ally in this ... you have given this as much attention as you are able right now ... you have done a good job ... it may be just time for a pause and return to it in a while ... in one of my other 16 lives I trained puppies and older dogs ... they would learn to sit in the corner and wait for me to return ... I would go about some other chores and come back and the pooch would be waiting for me ... walk this one over to the corner, give it the "down" command, pause, give it the "stay" command and walk away not looking back ... doesn't always work the first few times, but they do learn to trust me, and to trust I will return.

 

Take care, Buddy, let us know how things are going.

[[wh...]]

Thanks Sue and coop,  all of you out there; gives me comfort but at the same time I don't want to see anyone go through this. 

I know I'm only 6 weeks totally off the benzos but I was at that inderdose withdrawal for a year or more I think.  I didn't know what it was....now I do.  You're right I am angry; confused; agoraphobic; hypochondria....you know.  Things are becoming clearer but at the same time it is scary knowing what benzos have done to our brains. The fight of our lives; just getting through each day....

Not being able to trust your own brain is so weird.  I sometimes think of myself as my soul just watching all this and waiting for it to pass....we are more than our brains and bodies....we are the entity that realizes what's happening to us....the real us. 

I do get windows and when I'm in one I just feel so good and appreciate it so much.  Mornings are still brutal.....nights too.

Thanks for the support...hope you are well.  We'll all get through this.   

[[Fr...]]

Hi Greenice,

 

Yes to your fatigue question.  In a window, no fatigue.  The waves begin with fatigue then go into a flu feeling.  That last window lasted about 2  3/4 days.  Late yesterday, fatigue set in, I lay down all evening, slept good and now feel like I have a flu.  Just overall malaise.

 

So tired of all this.  I get hopeless during each wave - this is once or twice per week.

 

Did you all see longer windows as you went out in months?  I'm about to enter month five.

 

 

Lisa