6-12 month thread....

[[63...]]

Drew, isn't it great having your rational mind? When I am in my rational mind, I m so strong, and I know I will heal, and I know I can get thru the pain. But dam.....when that fearful, irrational mind comes back......the crazy thoughts, the crying all come back w/i an instant.

 

But I know having my rational mind, and most importantly recognizing I havemy rational mind means that I am healing.

 

So congrats, Drew, on your rational mind and healing!

 

Really, this is it, when the rational mind returns, it's like a glorious sunrise after a long, stormy night! What makes waves so bad is not being able to access the rational mind that we know is in there somewhere....awful!

[[mr...]]

Wow, well put gang -- that's a great way to describe it!

[[ci...]]

My rational mind is the true "me" .

[[Gr...]]

good day everyone.. i'm needing some encouragment today..

 

i've had a very bad 11th month now starting my 12th and i wake up this morning after sleeping about 6.5 hrs and i feel sooo empty i have no soul no feelings of my old self ..just empty.. when does this come back.. when did you all get your souls back to be able to feel love and joy?? this is the worst sxs for me i can't feel ME!!! will i stay like this forever?? this scares me...i think everyone has seen their souls way before me.. most people have their feelings back by now don't they??

 

Sussie

 

It sounds like the DP/DR, (plus I had cog fog with it) It's a pretty brutal symptom when you have it heavy, it can be devastating.  I used to be horrified that I felt so dead inside I couldn't even feel love for my children.  That's how I used to test for DP/DR, I would think about  my kids and see if I felt love for them.  For a long time I didn't.  It still happens occasionally.  Some people have this heavy the whole two years, for others it burns off sooner.

 

The thing to do with DP/DR is ignore it as much as possible.  It's not real, it goes away, and like other symptoms, it's better if you pay it no mind.  And I would "act as if."  My children never realized I didn't feel love for them.  My partner never knew I felt "dead" inside.  It's a symptom and it will go away.

[[Gr...]]

Sussie, I'm almost to my 10th month, and often feel as you do! I'm hoping some will chime in and tell me how they felt this way and healed from it! I don't want to feel like this forever!

 

Michael, I agree with Peace! You write so eloquently and descriptively about this experience!

 

Hoping everyone is well!

 

 

GMIT,

Are you struggling with the DP/DR also?  I just responded to Sussie.  Maybe you can read that post, above.  I had this pretty bad, felt like I was on Mars, very disconnected.  It's frightening.  Remember, it's just a symptom, it goes away.  I researched the whole site, and what I found, the best way to deal with it is to pay it as little attention as possible.

[[Gr...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

 

Marj, it's crazy, but it's true.  My whole first year was tough, very few windows, only hours at a time really.  I also was a long time user and cold turkey'd.  As Coop mentioned, 11-12 months I turned a corner.  I never thought I would.  I still have a ways to go, but I saw dramatic improvement.  It happens just like the success stories promise, you just start feeling really better and then you know for sure you're going to get better.

 

Try not to add to the misery by doubting this will end.  It will, I promise.

 

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, it really does help. I've never known such misery and lasting for the length of time it does, it's hideous 

 

I haven't had massive windows, just times when it's not been as bad. My mood is really flat today and I'm trying so hard to be cheerful. I think a lack of sleep has a big impact and I've never had sleep problems before this.

 

It appears from reading lots of posts that 6 -10 months can be a really difficult time and I'm holding on to that. I suppose what concerns me is that I didn't do a CT or maybe the fact that I didn't has allowed me to continue working  even though it is still torture idk. This really is the hardest thing 

 

Marj, there's no rhyme or reason for how much, how long, cold turkey or not.  coop Tapered forever, I did a c/t, and we're healing on the same timeline.  Go figure.  I've seen ppl who took so little for such a short period of time suffer as long as the long time user.  There's no way to figure this out.  You just need to accept where you are a day at a time and believe you will get better, because I am telling you, you will.  It's very hard, but you will make it.  And thank goodness you were able to work, keep your job.  And you should give yourself a pat on the back for that, that means you're a lot tougher than you think you are.

 

[[dr...]]

I'm  in a heavy DR wave right now.  It comes and goes. I find it very disturbing.  I feel like I'm on another planet and I feel nothing for my gf or friends.  I can feel frustration or anger but not any love or joy.  It sucks. 

[[...]]

Aaahhhh yes, Drew! Kinda surprised me when I felt that way...it isn't gone he but getting better!

 

Sussie, I didn't have dr/dp but the negative sad feelings are horrible! So sorry you felt this way! I hope it has improved!

 

[[...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

 

Marj, it's crazy, but it's true.  My whole first year was tough, very few windows, only hours at a time really.  I also was a long time user and cold turkey'd.  As Coop mentioned, 11-12 months I turned a corner.  I never thought I would.  I still have a ways to go, but I saw dramatic improvement.  It happens just like the success stories promise, you just start feeling really better and then you know for sure you're going to get better.

 

Try not to add to the misery by doubting this will end.  It will, I promise.

 

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, it really does help. I've never known such misery and lasting for the length of time it does, it's hideous 

 

I haven't had massive windows, just times when it's not been as bad. My mood is really flat today and I'm trying so hard to be cheerful. I think a lack of sleep has a big impact and I've never had sleep problems before this.

 

It appears from reading lots of posts that 6 -10 months can be a really difficult time and I'm holding on to that. I suppose what concerns me is that I didn't do a CT or maybe the fact that I didn't has allowed me to continue working  even though it is still torture idk. This really is the hardest thing 

 

Marj, there's no rhyme or reason for how much, how long, cold turkey or not.  coop Tapered forever, I did a c/t, and we're healing on the same timeline.  Go figure.  I've seen ppl who took so little for such a short period of time suffer as long as the long time user.  There's no way to figure this out.  You just need to accept where you are a day at a time and believe you will get better, because I am telling you, you will.  It's very hard, but you will make it.  And thank goodness you were able to work, keep your job.  And you should give yourself a pat on the back for that, that means you're a lot tougher than you think you are.

 

GreenIce - you are so kind, your reply made me cry - such encouragement from a total stranger from across an ocean, truly wonderful 

I am a mess today, had to take the day off work. Not slept for 4 nights and had a row with my teenage daughter last night. Thrown me right in the middle of the biggest pile. I love my daughter so much and she supports me emotionally, however sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with everything and taken or granted. If we argue it crushes me and I feel like I'm going insane and will never recover. I don't want my kids to be affected by this - it is a massive concern for me; the ups and downs must be so difficult for our loved ones. There's so much I need/want to do, I'm exhausted though, it's like wading through treacle and my head feels like it's about to explode. Tuesday late afternoon and evening felt like myself only to not sleep. Really don't get it! We WILL make it though, have to believe that we will

[[Gr...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

 

Marj, it's crazy, but it's true.  My whole first year was tough, very few windows, only hours at a time really.  I also was a long time user and cold turkey'd.  As Coop mentioned, 11-12 months I turned a corner.  I never thought I would.  I still have a ways to go, but I saw dramatic improvement.  It happens just like the success stories promise, you just start feeling really better and then you know for sure you're going to get better.

 

Try not to add to the misery by doubting this will end.  It will, I promise.

 

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, it really does help. I've never known such misery and lasting for the length of time it does, it's hideous 

 

I haven't had massive windows, just times when it's not been as bad. My mood is really flat today and I'm trying so hard to be cheerful. I think a lack of sleep has a big impact and I've never had sleep problems before this.

 

It appears from reading lots of posts that 6 -10 months can be a really difficult time and I'm holding on to that. I suppose what concerns me is that I didn't do a CT or maybe the fact that I didn't has allowed me to continue working  even though it is still torture idk. This really is the hardest thing 

 

Marj, there's no rhyme or reason for how much, how long, cold turkey or not.  coop Tapered forever, I did a c/t, and we're healing on the same timeline.  Go figure.  I've seen ppl who took so little for such a short period of time suffer as long as the long time user.  There's no way to figure this out.  You just need to accept where you are a day at a time and believe you will get better, because I am telling you, you will.  It's very hard, but you will make it.  And thank goodness you were able to work, keep your job.  And you should give yourself a pat on the back for that, that means you're a lot tougher than you think you are.

 

GreenIce - you are so kind, your reply made me cry - such encouragement from a total stranger from across an ocean, truly wonderful 

I am a mess today, had to take the day off work. Not slept for 4 nights and had a row with my teenage daughter last night. Thrown me right in the middle of the biggest pile. I love my daughter so much and she supports me emotionally, however sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with everything and taken or granted. If we argue it crushes me and I feel like I'm going insane and will never recover. I don't want my kids to be affected by this - it is a massive concern for me; the ups and downs must be so difficult for our loved ones. There's so much I need/want to do, I'm exhausted though, it's like wading through treacle and my head feels like it's about to explode. Tuesday late afternoon and evening felt like myself only to not sleep. Really don't get it! We WILL make it though, have to believe that we will

 

Marj, this may well be the hardest thing you ever do in your life, I know it has been in mine.  I too had concerns about my kids.  Funny thing, kids watch everything.  What they're seeing is their mother's incredible strength and determination, that's what they're going to remember, always, how hard this was, and how strong you were, are.  There were times, when w/d seemed to go on forever, that I had to, with a few words, because my kids don't like me talking too much or too long, lol, just quietly explain that the process was taking longer than I wanted, that this is what it is, and that everything is going to be okay, just reassure them.  I did that even when I wasn't sure myself.  And miraculously, as I have some better days, start coming out of this a little, I see my little family, my kids and me, we're stronger and closer than ever.  However hard withdrawal is, it's so much better than being emotionally numb and not present, like I was for so many years.

 

Kindness of strangers.  You bet.  I don't know what I would have done without this site, these people.  At the least, reinstatement or a life of psych drugs, chemical commitment.

 

So when you feel better, make sure to pass it on.

 

Love, Susan :smitten:

[[dr...]]

I am in a wave of feeling completely out of it.  I just had a client meeting and was so jumpy.  My eyes are so weird I just keep lifting my eyeglasses off my eyes and put them back on.  It must look ridiculous but I can't help it as it has become a nervous tick for me.  I also had trouble breathing and lung pain in the meeting.  I know it is benzo induced after the last ER visit.  Oy!  I am not panicking but it is just not easy to do a meeting like this.  Even though I am not panicking my body is reacting as if I should be.  i vented   

[[mr...]]

(((((drew)))))

 

I hear ya.

 

There, there.

 

Mrs

 

[[mr...]]

Heyo gang,

 

21 days since I officially jumped!!  3 whole weeks of benzo freedom, and it feels good GREAT!

 

For those of you who don't know me, I did a very slow water taper (2 days shy of 2 years!) from a very low starting dose (0.25mg of Xanax/alprazolam).  In Jan/Feb 2014, I reached the low, low doses of my benzo and my symptoms started to take on a more "post-jump" form than they did when I was tapering, and ever since then I've related better with folks who were in the post-withdrawal phase.  I was a "lost duck" for a while there, because I didn't feel like I belonged to any particular thread anymore, beings I didn't relate to the taperers anymore but I wasn't quite benzo-free yet.  I found this thread in June or July sometime and was immediately attracted to it, because I related so well to everyone's symptoms and accounts of their current experiences.  In August of this year I formed the courage to ask if I could be a part of this thread even though I wasn't technically benzo-free yet, and everyone here welcomed me with open arms   So here I am today

 

Anyways, long story short, right?  I'm THREE WEEKS FREE!!! :yippee:

 

Drew, I think I'm ready to celebrate now...

 

Hope everyone is feeling better and better

 

Oh, and WWWI --

 

Mrs.

[[63...]]

Congrats Mrs.!!!! This is huge!

 

I know that you are still in withdrawal, but it sounds like you are doing pretty well, I'm so pleased for you!!!

[[...]]

Mrs! Congrats!! 

 

This is awesome! It's a huge accomplishment!

 

Sending hugs! 

 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Friday, Dec. 5

 

I look upon a year lived as a year earned; and each year earned means a greater treasury of experience and power laid up against time of need.

 

Anna Botsford Comstock

 

[[dr...]]

Congrats Mrs....

 

I am at work getting hit hard with crazy brain.  My anxiety is through the roof and I am jumping out of my skin.  I know what is causing it but I am very uncomfortable.  I ahve a big steak lunch in three hours for a xmas party and I am unsure wether I will go.  Right now I can't concentrate on anything so just passing my time in 30 minute blocks and hoping I get some relief.  Ugh

[[mr...]]

Congrats Mrs....

 

I am at work getting hit hard with crazy brain.  My anxiety is through the roof and I am jumping out of my skin.  I know what is causing it but I am very uncomfortable.  I ahve a big steak lunch in three hours for a xmas party and I am unsure wether I will go.  Right now I can't concentrate on anything so just passing my time in 30 minute blocks and hoping I get some relief.  Ugh

 

That's right you do...and its not s party, nor any upcoming event...its just withdrawal. Totally up to you, buddy. If it were me, I would like to say I'd go. Bully if withdrawal is going to "whisper" away life! But I know how you feel, too. Been there myself, more times than I want (who does? ) I've had some fear, a little "stay home! protect!", and minor physical symptoms the past week or so as well. I know with waves brings a higher baseline and better healing to follow. Sometimes I just "don't wanna" though, lol! But I will.

 

Ahhhh, next year this time, next year this time Its such a lovely thought! We ain't that far away, most of the journey is already done and walked I can totally handle another year. No probs, right? Just don't you leave this forum here before then...  

 

Hang loose with me today. Just hang loose.

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

It is sort of optional and my view on it is that I push so hard already with this work and how can pushing myself when I am already in a high anxiety state help?  who knows?   All I do know is that when I am in a window I have none of this "I want to be home" syndorme.  I am no longer worried about being a shut in

[[mr...]]

It is sort of optional and my view on it is that I push so hard already with this work and how can pushing myself when I am already in a high anxiety state help?  who knows?   All I do know is that when I am in a window I have none of this "I want to be home" syndorme.  I am no longer worried about being a shut in

 

I completely understand.

 

A "shut in", eh? I've ALWAYS been an extrovert, loved to be out & about, around people, love travel, etc. So this "shut in" feeling bidnaz has been for da birds!! Lol Thank God we heal.

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

bailed on the steak and had two panic attacks since then. Oy!  Home in bed w a book and a cat. I'm done trying to fight the symptoms when they get crazy wavy like this.  I know it will leave...but damn.  Two weeks ago super productive and able to be anywhere now I cant even sit in my cube without relentless anxiety and everything else. 

I was walking to my car from my work and I was walking so unsteady and taking deep breathes.  A boss of mine must have been wondering what's up.  Major panic

 

I hope I'm better by Monday.  I only worked a total of f maybe 18 hours this week.  Luckily, no one pays attention to me.

 

Okay...lastly...I know it's just a cycle. Ugh.

 

[[mr...]]

Just saying I'm here with ya.

 

Mrs.

[[Aq...]]

Drew,  I am right there with you.  Horrible wave for the last 2-3 weeks for me.  Worst one yet.  I have that crazy anxiety, like I am in constant fight/flight mode and it makes me feel like i am going to pass out constantly.  I am really tired of it and when I am in this mode it is nearly impossible to see how it was just before or even how it could get better.  Please let me know when you come out of it and I will do the same.  Hang in there. 

[[...]]

I can relate to all of this, it's just crazy 

 

I don't know if this will help anyone, however in the UK we are lucky to have a couple of support organizations you can call;they are wonderful and understand EVERYTHING. I spoke to a lady at CITA yesterday, she has been giving support for 25 years and her daughter was Pam Armstrong - sadly died, who did extensive work on all of this. Anyway she told me she had been helping lots and lots of people very recently who were having a really hard time at 6 -10 months off and she now believes this is probably the norm. I/she also believes that this is a difficult time off year when we feel our losses or are expected to feel happy, celebrate, be busy, people are drinking and partying around us and in this state we literally cannot. I know I never thought I would feel so bad now; I have a lot of physical pain at the moment and my brain feels like it's screaming (fizzy and tingly???). I can't concentrate either, it's truly awful.

 

I hope you feel better soon     

[[No...]]

Hi Folks ... yep ... these cycles can be dreadful ... and some days all I could do is hang on ... a word that is used a lot is "weathering" ... no matter the complexity or intensity of the "storm", we are safe ... and we can endure whatever comes our way ...

 

And ... yep ... didn't know which side was up a lot of the time ... all the shaking and baking would often get very disorientating ... and the "exhaustion" ... the mother of all tiredness ...

 

Hang on ... you are getting better ... we all do ... even when there is no light to see it ...