6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

Michael-

You have an incredible gift for framing this experience, for helping feed the part of me that is healthy and hopeful. So many write memoirs about this experience. I feel like you have something to offer here to people living through all kinds of recoveries. A book of a different kind, maybe? Just a thought. I often find myself wanting to page through your enteries, hand on paper.

 

 

 

[[...]]

Sussie, I'm almost to my 10th month, and often feel as you do! I'm hoping some will chime in and tell me how they felt this way and healed from it! I don't want to feel like this forever!

 

Michael, I agree with Peace! You write so eloquently and descriptively about this experience!

 

Hoping everyone is well!

 

[[No...]]

Sussie ... sorry you are in such a difficult "place" ... as for getting "feelings back" by now, some do, some don't ... lousy answer I know ...

 

And ... I believe we do not lose our "souls" during this process ... although sometimes it certainly feels like it ... and ... the "empty" feeling, some of us know this very well ...

 

I believe the best way to describe this journey is just this ... we took a drug, whatever drug, for however long ... and it changed some things ... now, after stopping the drug, we are changing again ... and this can take a very long time for some of us to get through this second change ...

 

And, do we change back to where we were before we took the drug ... I do not know ... will we be different, "changed", after enduring this recovery process? ... yes ... I believe so ...

 

For now, today, we just hang on and get through the day as best we can ... we know it is possible to get through this process ... so many have before us ... and we are all blessedly unique ... that is our gift ... to be who we are before, during and after this journey ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

CrazyPants  ... welcome ...

 

Hmmm ... your post reminds me of where I was at 5 months out ... I finished a long taper and was feeling pretty good ... a little of this and that, nothing too "dramatic" ... and ... okay, this isn't so bad, should be done with this in a few more weeks ... then kaboom ... I landed in acute ... and the next "stage" of this adventure ramped up, full throttle ...

 

Everything thing you mention sounds very familiar to me ... been there, done that, and still doing some of it from time to time ... and all the doubt, and all the health questions, and all the fear ... front and centre ... drove myself nuts for a while trying to figure this out ... then got connected with BB and heard time and again, no matter what I described when I posted, this is all "normal" ... and "normal" is a four letter word ... rhymes with "yuk" ...

 

Hang on, stay connected if you can ... you will get through this time, many have before us, and those behind us will as well ... as a very wise buddy once said "no one gets left behind" ...

 

We are all here for ourselves and each other ...

 

Michael

 

[[No...]]

Hi Peace and GMIT ... thank you for your kind words ...

 

Its Tuesday ... another day in the salt mines ... got some sleep, that helps ... doing the "stranglies" today, feeling chokey and got some head pressure stuff ... not bad for an old fella' ...

 

Hope you have a good Tuesday ...

 

Michael

 

[[...]]

Glad you got sleep! I think that's so important in our healing! The restorative sleep can assist our bodies healing greatly!

 

I think I would be doing great if the mood issues would clear up!!

 

 

[Guest [su...]]

thanks nova..

 

i just feel so awful i don't know what to say or do anymore.. i feel like giving up. 12 months seems to be a long time to heal from this awful monster. i've lost me and hope i get me back :smitten: i've been in bed for a month now .. i haven't had it this bad since acute..

[[No...]]

Sussie ... 12 months is a long time, a dreadfully long time ... and many of us feel like "giving up" ... and we just keep going ...

 

And I know that can sound "depressing" ... and for me it is not ... I know we will get through this, one day after another ... and then one day, "eureka" ... we have made it ... that day will come, for all of us ...

 

Wishing you a well day ...

 

Michael

 

[[...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

 

Marj, it's crazy, but it's true.  My whole first year was tough, very few windows, only hours at a time really.  I also was a long time user and cold turkey'd.  As Coop mentioned, 11-12 months I turned a corner.  I never thought I would.  I still have a ways to go, but I saw dramatic improvement.  It happens just like the success stories promise, you just start feeling really better and then you know for sure you're going to get better.

 

Try not to add to the misery by doubting this will end.  It will, I promise.

 

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, it really does help. I've never known such misery and lasting for the length of time it does, it's hideous 

 

I haven't had massive windows, just times when it's not been as bad. My mood is really flat today and I'm trying so hard to be cheerful. I think a lack of sleep has a big impact and I've never had sleep problems before this.

 

It appears from reading lots of posts that 6 -10 months can be a really difficult time and I'm holding on to that. I suppose what concerns me is that I didn't do a CT or maybe the fact that I didn't has allowed me to continue working  even though it is still torture idk. This really is the hardest thing 

[[No...]]

Marj ...

 

Yep ... this really is a hard thing we are doing ... and there is probably no money in second guessing whether CT or taper works best ...

 

We are where we are ... and we have gotten this far ... that is a marvelous success for each of us ... and we all trod this path each day until one day we are "home" ...

 

And some of us don't get the big open windows ... just as you say, some days are better than others ... I had one window, back last July, lasted a few hours ... it was marvelous ... gave me a hint of what I am working towards ...

 

You are doing well ... we all are ... and sometimes it does not feel like it ... some days we are flat, some days we have more cheerfulness ...

 

Time heals us all ... we just don't know how much time we will each need ...

 

Wishing you a good Tuesday ...

 

Michael

 

[[Lo...]]

 

 

Time heals us all ... we just don't know how much time we will each need ...

 

Wishing you a good Tuesday ...

 

Michael

 

 

Well said Michael...time is something else. I had a huge window during the last bits of my taper. I didn't know it was a window until later on. But I will never forget Friday night April 25th (took my son to a work function that was at the Nats Stadium ball park). Saturday April 26th was AWESOME! I had 2 symptoms and they were so minute I did not notice them at all..that Sunday was great too...but by that evening the window was closing and that Monday I was in a huge wave (HUGE)...that Wednesday April 30th I jumped.

 

I hold onto the windows I had. I had a few since then but not like those...my life was pretty much perfect and the weather was gorgeous. I hold onto those days knowing they will come back for good! 

 

All in time!

[[sa...]]

Sussie,

 

The late months are hard and for me month 10 was my worst month with nonstop nausea and throwing up. After that I had big improvements in month 11. I feel better now than at any point in the past 11 months. So things are getting better. Nausea and vomiting, my worst symptoms are now pretty much gone and I'm sleeping 8 hours a night all of a sudden. My worst symptom now is fear. All day, nonstop fear and also ringing in my ears and concentration issues. Foggy I guess.

 

I think that with every horrible wave comes a big jump up in the baseline and maybe a chance to drop one of your symptoms. Little by little we will heal. The windows are coming more and more now and are amazing. We will be like that all the time when this is done. That's something to look forward too.

[[Lo...]]

Sussie,

 

The late months are hard and for me month 10 was my worst month with nonstop nausea and throwing up. After that I had big improvements in month 11. I feel better now than at any point in the past 11 months. So things are getting better. Nausea and vomiting, my worst symptoms are now pretty much gone and I'm sleeping 8 hours a night all of a sudden. My worst symptom now is fear. All day, nonstop fear and also ringing in my ears and concentration issues. Foggy I guess.

 

I think that with every horrible wave comes a big jump up in the baseline and maybe a chance to drop one of your symptoms. Little by little we will heal. The windows are coming more and more now and are amazing. We will be like that all the time when this is done. That's something to look forward too.

 

Happy 1 year off!!!!

[Guest [su...]]

thanks everyone for the encouragment i need it :smitten:

[[dr...]]

hi all....

-I have been sleeping really bad the last few days and getting the cortisol surges during the night. This had led to the morning anxiety and doom feelings. Add in a healthy dose of DR where I feel not of this planet and I'm in a wave.    also lots of Boatiness when trying to walk.

I took a 1/2 beta Becker to try and relieve some of the surges.  The irrational panic and fear are with me but I am still able to recognize them as withdrawal symptons and just accept them as recovery. I took off from work early today and I'm not going to "what if" the hell out of this.  Every wave has ended before so this one will too. 

[[63...]]

Hang in there Drew!

 

I'm sorry that you are having problems with cortisol surges and its accompanying symptoms. These too visit me from time to time. You are so wise in not trying to "what if" and just accept whats going on as part of your recovery (hard to do sometimes!). This combined with the knowledge born from experience that each wave eventually ends is what has seen me through the worst waves. This too shall pass! -R.

[[dr...]]

Thx Robert.  I see you're new around here. We both had very long term use and similar doses.  How are you feeling post jump? 

[[...]]

Sorry Drew!

 

It's funny how we just learn to ride the wave as time goes by! Of course, that doesn't make it any less suckie!

 

Hope it passes soon!!

 

[[ci...]]

Starting month 9 is a bad one for me, physically everything is in high gear.....nerve pain, T, back pain, no sleep, sweats....all the BS to the 10th degree.

 

Thanks to all of you, always reminding us that this is "normal" healing even at 8months- 1 year out.

[[dr...]]

We having fun yet?

[[mr...]]

hi all....

-I have been sleeping really bad the last few days and getting the cortisol surges during the night. This had led to the morning anxiety and doom feelings. Add in a healthy dose of DR where I feel not of this planet and I'm in a wave.    also lots of Boatiness when trying to walk.

I took a 1/2 beta Becker to try and relieve some of the surges.  The irrational panic and fear are with me but I am still able to recognize them as withdrawal symptons and just accept them as recovery. I took off from work early today and I'm not going to "what if" the hell out of this.  Every wave has ended before so this one will too.

 

Hang in tight, buds.  Must be something in the air...or water...or whatev

 

(haha, only a "benzo brain" would slightly scare from that joke... )

 

There is no doubt about it, though -- we are getting better!! :)

 

Got anything interesting going on lately?  Any cool performances & such?  Tis the season for that sort of thing!  Been thinking about ya recently...I had an impromptu meeting with a brand new business client, being hired as a consultant for the first time ever!  I got the call, and was asked to hop in my car and head out to join their meeting.  I did just that, with a little bit of "freak-out" on the way...but I thought of you, dang dude, you're in business meetings all the time, AND you perform on stage, so I can do this!  And I did it   I also took some propranolol as well, but I was in there and doing it!  Hoorah!

 

Rest well, buddy   Next month will be even better than before.  Next year this time, it will be such a faint memory.  YESS!!

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

I'm proud of you and I know one year from now we will be soooo much better.  Think how far we've come.  Last year at this time I was saying I'll be almost healed. Well...I was a bit off on that one but I'm still way better.  Not even close to how bad I was.  While uncomfortable now I have an end in site so I can be all philosophical and stuff. 

I was pretty calm today when I told my team I'm leaving early cause I feel like hell today from withdrawal/recovery.  I felt like death but my rational mind stayed with me saying "it will pass...."  I could have stuck it out but why suffer more if I don't have to.

No performances except me acting like I'm enjoying holiday stuff while feeling like death on the inside   I start up again in January.

 

I'm so proud if you!  Getting out there and doing it. 

[[63...]]

Thx Robert.  I see you're new around here. We both had very long term use and similar doses.  How are you feeling post jump?

 

Well, I'm in a bit of a wave right now, so that's going to color my response a bit I have had a great amount of healing in my "base", and feel more profoundly like "myself" that I have felt in a long time. That said, I still get brutal waves. My worst wave in this journey hit me a little after 6 months off, it was like being back in acute all over again. I have only recently climbed out of it. I'm still quite limited in that I am not able to work full time, but i am able to to some volunteer work several times a week for a few hours, and I am very grateful to be able to do so.  My worst symptoms are psychological (agitation,anxiety, paranoia, depression...etc.) with my worst physical symptom being heart palps...ugh! I'm just trying to take all of this one day at a time....thanks for asking!

[[ci...]]

Drew, isn't it great having your rational mind? When I am in my rational mind, I m so strong, and I know I will heal, and I know I can get thru the pain. But dam.....when that fearful, irrational mind comes back......the crazy thoughts, the crying all come back w/i an instant.

 

But I know having my rational mind, and most importantly recognizing I havemy rational mind means that I am healing.

 

So congrats, Drew, on your rational mind and healing!

[[dr...]]

Drew, isn't it great having your rational mind? When I am in my rational mind, I m so strong, and I know I will heal, and I know I can get thru the pain. But dam.....when that fearful, irrational mind comes back......the crazy thoughts, the crying all come back w/i an instant.

 

But I know having my rational mind, and most importantly recognizing I havemy rational mind means that I am healing.

 

So congrats, Drew, on your rational mind and healing!

 

If only we could bottle our rational mind for when the stuff hits the fan.