6-12 month thread....

[[Lo...]]

Hi, I have been away but well enough.

 

I had lessons, my brain is slow, planning takes ages, I can barely make it  to do  my things and I miss out on what I want to do.  Does it take so long for Healing and Peace to prepare ?  I can barely manage 9-10 lessons a week !!

 

Wish you all well, hope to manage to  be here more often. I feel like  I am chained to this desk !!

 

Hugs and good  wishes to all.

 

Hi Sky!!! Healing is really tough I had plans to go outside today but I've been absolutely nauseated for 4 hours and counting it won't come up and it won't go down if you know what I'm saying.

 

This is tough but I'm going to pray for you my dear and you only have a few more weeks until the Christmas holiday season and you could take some much needed time off.

 

many blessings to you!

[[ci...]]

Hey all, I always read this thread but only posted a few times here. I just needed some advice, and hope. I am 8 months CT from ambien, just finished a gabapentin taper a week ago (over 6 months from 1200 to 75mg, jump at 75mg.) I continue to suffer harsh physical WDs, very painful, neuropathic pain, burning head, heart palps, tinntitus, back pain, sqeezing tightness around midsection, cramps in feet and then the mental, crying, sobbing, anxiety. No sleep, mybe 3-5 hours of broken sleep, wake up with soaked sweat PJs, and sheets, and panic. My waves and windows occur daily , flip flopping back and forth within hours. I thought there was some improvement in Nov but now, I got slammed again like I am in acute. I have no support from doctors, they do not believe in ambien WDs, I have a counselor for CBT.

Now I feel like I am dying, I don't know how long my body can take this, my heart is pounding out of my chest. I had all tests MRIs, CTs, EKG....blood...all normal.

 

I just thought at 8 months these sxs would not be this severe.......will they lessen by a year? Within a few months? I feel so little is known about ambien WDs and the side effects, that maybe I am pernamently damaged, I don't want to live with a life of pain, now I can't see a future w/o pain. I have searched trying to find a benzo/ambien wise doctor in US, not for drugs, but validation, I guess or info, but seriously they do not exist, I spoke with one doctor in San Franciso in May, he was on the benzo wise doc list and he was an idiot, did not believe patients could suffer from burning from benzos WDs thought he was hormones!

 

Sorry for the rambling....just needed some words of hope and encouragement. Thank you, cindy

 

[[dr...]]

I have a really good benzo wee doc in SF. Pm me if you want retails.

[[Co...]]

Cindy, my addiction specialist said that ambien withdrawal is the same as benzo withdrawal because they work on the same receptors. When I ct it for that week it felt exactly what I've been going through these last 2 weeks.

[[mr...]]

Hi CindyS,

 

Hang in there, sweets. Girl, you cold-turkied 8 months ago, and you just finished your gabapentin taper last week -- IMO, of COURSE how you're feeling is normal This road ain't easy, and its chok full of ups & downs, but it will begin to settle out soon. Man, I remember the windows/waves flipping in hours, I called that the 'rapid cycling of symptoms' -- I did NOT like it! You felt like you never knew what was going to happen next! Forget booking your calendar in advance, right?! It will pass, and it will pass soon. For me, it just kinda...stopped. I had a horrid wave, and then it just stopped. Like that

 

Love to you, girl. The weekends can be a bit quieter on the forums, so hang tight and I'm sure others will be along soon to say hi Take care for now; I'm off to work!

 

Mrs.

[[ci...]]

Thanks Mrs, I have not slept for 3 nights, I feel like i am on fire.....I am thinking about reinstating on the gabapentin, at a low dose, the burning sensation is unbearable, my head and shoulders, legs, saddle region . OMG! I am so afraid of what to do? Maybe it will pass, this was how it was back in acute.....but now it does not go away, everytime I try to doze up, I wake up because I am burning.

 

Can I survive this? I am 60, I don't know how much more I can take.

[[Fr...]]

Cindy, I am sorry you are going through all that.

 

One person you might contact for validation and support is Laura Delano.  She has a site called surviving psychiatry and has her email address listed there.  She will do counseling sessions with people.

 

I'll pray for you to feel better.

 

L.

[[...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

[[Lo...]]

Coop,

Like you I also set 6 months off as a time to reflect. I thought I'd be a lot better at that point. Boy was I wrong and very disappointed! I got a wave at 5.5 months off that lasted to about the end of the 6th month. Now at 8 months out its happening again. Hope it gets better for you soon.

 

Hey Cool35...I had a couple of windows around 5.5 months off. I was getting happy and then slammed going 6 months off and I've been slammed since I made 7 months off.

 

It's depressing...it really is. My worst sxs are head pressure/pulling sensation and akward balance/dizziness. Seems like the longer I'm off the worst its getting.

 

These sxs have to ease up. I just knew I would be really close to healing at 6 months off...I was very wrong too.  :'(

[[...]]

LovingMother - That is exactly my experience; couple of times felt better around 5 monthsish. Then been terrible from 6 months onwards. Don't know how I made it through at work (not very productive) but did. Headache all through last night and never suffered with headaches before this. Feel better now, although very tired. I'm starting to get quite angry with this now, it's hard enough bringing up 2 kids with virtually no support without having this to deal with too. My kids want their fun, energetic mum back and I want my life back.  Do you think the time of year could be hampering our progress? I usually love Christmas but this year, oh no, I can't believe it's here again. The thing is I want to be Christmassy.

Hope you have a good day

[[Lo...]]

LovingMother - That is exactly my experience; couple of times felt better around 5 monthsish. Then been terrible from 6 months onwards. Don't know how I made it through at work (not very productive) but did. Headache all through last night and never suffered with headaches before this. Feel better now, although very tired. I'm starting to get quite angry with this now, it's hard enough bringing up 2 kids with virtually no support without having this to deal with too. My kids want their fun, energetic mum back and I want my life back.  Do you think the time of year could be hampering our progress? I usually love Christmas but this year, oh no, I can't believe it's here again. The thing is I want to be Christmassy.

Hope you have a good day

 

I'm right there with you...raising my son on my own and I'm angry at this point. I really am...

 

But despite it all I'm going to put up a wreath, by a prelit tree, buy gifts, wrap them slowly lol...I wish we all felt better...especially this time of year.

 

I can't even say its the time of the year...its just our sxs acting up because part of the summer I felt bad too...but these past 1.5 months have been hell on earth for me 

[[Lo...]]

Our job's holiday party is today. Of course I could not make it because of the crazy symptoms. I was hoping my team (of 2) would bring me food, especially after I expressed to bring me something (because I have done the same for them).

 

Well...no food.

 

I really don't belong here and praying that in God's time I am lead or a job finds me that is a wonderful work environment. This place ain't it  :'(

[[63...]]

Our job's holiday party is today. Of course I could not make it because of the crazy symptoms. I was hoping my team (of 2) would bring me food, especially after I expressed to bring me something (because I have done the same for them).

 

Well...no food.

 

I really don't belong here and praying that in God's time I am lead or a job finds me that is a wonderful work environment. This place ain't it  :'(

 

 

Hang in there LM!

 

It is amazing to me that you can work while going through withdrawal. I can't, at least for now. I do have a couple of volunteer jobs, and what makes them do-able is that they are only several hours long, so if my symptoms are really bad, I know that I will be able to go home soon. I'm sorry to hear that your co-workers are so insensitive or thoughtless, that sucks. Wonderful work environments can be a challenge to find. People just don't undrstand what we are going through in withdrawal, as if the symptoms were not enough!

 

Take care, -R.

[[ci...]]

freeofv, I know you have been going thru rough times, too. I so much appreciate your kind words. As much pain as you are in, you always reach out to others. What a kind soul you are.

 

Marj, Thanks so much for reminding me we are still early in this recovery process. You summed up exactly how I feel, I get so hopeful during my small windows that I am getting better, and then get slammed again. Brutal! I will keep track of your progress we are close in our recovey months. It is great you have the support hotline in the UK, here in the States we are ignorant of benzos WDs.

 

63-Robert, I so much want to volunteer, and I am committed to try volunteering in Jan. Sometimes I am so wrapped up in my own misery, I forget about caring and giving to others. And I need to have some purpose in my life, not just marking days off the calendar. I lost my job because of WDs, and need to be productive again, even if just a few hours a week.

 

I always follow this thread but seldom post. You are all such a caring, loving group. Thank you for responding to me in my time of need.

Always, cindy

[[mr...]]

Thanks Mrs, I have not slept for 3 nights, I feel like i am on fire.....I am thinking about reinstating on the gabapentin, at a low dose, the burning sensation is unbearable, my head and shoulders, legs, saddle region . OMG! I am so afraid of what to do? Maybe it will pass, this was how it was back in acute.....but now it does not go away, everytime I try to doze up, I wake up because I am burning.

 

Can I survive this? I am 60, I don't know how much more I can take.

 

I just saw this post, I must've missed it earlier!

 

Can you survive this? Not only CAN you, but you WILL. Without a shadow of a doubt. Both Magrita and Megan912(or us it 913?) are moderators on this forum. Both are in their 60s, and both had horrific withdrawals that included anxiety, panic, burning, and fear. Both are completely healed now They are AMAZING, and I PM them from time to time, when I need a voice of reassurance. (A LOT less frequently now; used to be almost daily haha!!)

 

My buddy Hopefulgirl is someone who is currently in the process of tapering her gabapentin. She's bee benzo free for over a year now. She's incredibly informed about both benzos and gabapentin, as her current profession deals with working with neurology (not sure how & such, but I know she's a super resource of information for me!!) She might be someone you could PM asking how she's doing with her gabapentin taper Her benzo background is CRAY-CRAY!! She was on 9-11mg per DAY of Xanax, as well as 1,200mg gabapentin!!! Holy schmollies!! Anyways

 

Are you feeling a tad better now? I sure hope so! You're doing a mighty fine job of getting through this, IMO! Like Dory says in Finding Nemo: Just keep swimming...

 

Mrs.

[[ci...]]

Mrs. Just what I needed to hear tonight, that us old timers will heal. I have my rational mind tonight, so I believe you. When my panic mind returns, I will reread your post.

Thanks for the names of BBs who healed in their 60's and even with some of the same sxs. Those are the stories that give me so much hope. And I love your note, that you are now contacting them as much anymore, which is a good sign, you are healing. I will read some of hopefulgirl posts. Thank you.

 

I'll keep swimming but I may need a lifejacket.

 

always, cindy

[[mr...]]

Mrs. Just what I needed to hear tonight, that us old timers will heal. I have my rational mind tonight, so I believe you. When my panic mind returns, I will reread your post.

Thanks for the names of BBs who healed in their 60's and even with some of the same sxs. Those are the stories that give me so much hope. And I love your note, that you are now contacting them as much anymore, which is a good sign, you are healing. I will read some of hopefulgirl posts. Thank you.

 

I'll keep swimming but I may need a lifejacket.

 

always, cindy

 

Ooh yeah girl, I'm 32 yrs young ( ), and I'd venture to guess that I'm in the "minority" for age! A good majority of withdrawaling folks are 50-60s. So, YES -- y'all heal

 

And YA -- I TOTALLY GET the "rational mind" vs "panic/withdrawal mind"! What a great description of it, in fact I usually call mine the three-year-old-brat-throwing-a-temper-tantrum-to-try-and-get-his-own-way, but yours is much shorter and easier to type

 

There are LOADS of 60-something's buddies who are healed now who also had anxiety/fear/panic/burning -- two more just came to mind, Eckhart and Eastcoast62(or 68?). Loads of your type, sista! No worries, you're gonna heal Eckhart's past posts are amazing to read -- the level of panic she experienced is extreme! And another gal I just remembered, Rosa -- also lots of fear and terror and panic for her, now almost healed

 

OK, time for ice cream and Gilmore Girls w/ Mr Then off to bed! Take care buddy

 

Mrs.

 

(Oh yes! HenryK -- horrible burning! Neuro pain! Bad terror/panic! Now healed Ok, gotta stop!!)

[[Co...]]

Cindys ....I am 65 ...a few days away from stepping into month 13 and I also am living in my rational mind today so I feel confident in telling you..  I am for the first time in all of this having more good days than bad. I still have bad days that feel just like acute in one way or another. I still have all of the coming year to try to work through re- entry. One of my worst waves was in month 9.5/10.5...months 6-10 were , for me still very acute-is with some sunbreaks and a few window..sx cycled throughout the day in months 9/10. I will say.  from my rational mind that my waves were usually only 24 hours and a few 48 and then back to a gradually improving baseline. My baseline is now a pretty consistent 80- 85%... sometimes 90%. I did not start feeling reliably better until month 11/12...that is not to say that I didn't have better and even good days along the way, but the last few weeks of month 11 and month 12 have a feel of healing even though there were a couple of bad depression days last week.

......Yes ...we are going to heal all the way too...just keep going  and come here for support as much as you need to.

......one day at a time...the pain of yesterday is gone ( I think that one is something Green wrote several months ago).

....Wishing you some sunbreaks tomorrow.. .coop

 

 

[[La...]]

Coop:

 

Great to hear your doing 80-85% most days now,  90% sometimes.  I'm also doing well, closing in on 100% most days, but not quite there. Sometimes my sleep has gone south for weeks at a time, but I'm in a solid 3+ week continuous stretch of good sleep, so I cant complain. Part of me still has the fear that there will/may be another wave on the horizon somewhere. Another part of me wants to believe that the last one was, in fact, the LAST.

 

Overall long-term healing trajectory for me is certainly pointing in the right direction. I know you will get there too. There a huge psychological component to this process, so its important for us to have the right mindset as we move forward. 

 

Happy healing.

 

 

laser

[[Cr...]]

Hi all, just made it to six months and am suffering horribly. Please help me out now that I have joined your crew.

 

I was doing so well, I don't know what happened, my body turned on me and my mind followed suit. I was to the point where I was going out, exercising daily and starting to feel better, now I can barely move my limbs, I get feelings of movement (rocking and twisting) that isn't real in my body.

 

My legs are weak and I get so dizzy its hard to read or walk. My vision is bad again and I'm seeing floaters and my eyeballs bounce all around. My tinnitus is at all time highs, and my hearing is supersonic.

 

The WORST part is the inner shakes, I can't stop them, people on here describe them as vibrations....these feel like every single little fiber in every muscle in my entire body is jiggling and flexing all day long, wouldn't call it a vibration. My nerve pain has gone off the charts...feels like acid is being poured on my body parts and I am losing my mind. I can't remember anything, forgetting my life, forgetting the day, almost forgetting everything. I am such a mess, I can't stop crying all day, the pain, mixed with the overwhelming nature of all this and the feeling of losing who I am has broken me. I can't even think straight anymore, and in the brief second i can it sends me in a crying fit...I'm a broken human being and I'm afraid I'll never recover.

 

I'm having such a hard time believing this is all benzo WD, especially with how good I was feeling. If this is a wave, then that means I have never had a wave for 6 MONTHS...how is that even possible?

 

My dizziness and shaking is so bad I can barely type this without feeling the need to puke....its parkinsonseque and all these symptoms are unrelenting and have been going on for weeks. I'm afraid it's no longer WD and there is really something wrong wiht me....Please someone help and tell me this is normal. This is 10 times worse than acute was....How is that even possible?

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop! I appreciate you! I needed to hear that!

 

I feel a tad better today...I even slept 11 hours last night! I haven't done that in years!

 

I got my neurotransmitter test back and my GABA is high, seratonin is low, epinephrine very low. Wonder why I woukd have anxiety with high GABA?!?!

 

You are each so Special! Thank you, thank you!!

 

 

GMIT, did anyone interpret that test?  I mean go over the results with you?

[[Gr...]]

Cindy,

 

I am exactly in the same position; nearly 8 months out and really going through it worse than at the beginning. Although I did not CT, I have found the last 2 months to be the worst. The sleep thing is big, if you don't get your sleep everything is worse. It is so hard to believe how this affects us. I often speak to a support helpline here in UK who reassure me everytime that at this stage it is still early days in terms of recovery. It's just when you think you are feeling a bit better and then you are right back in it. Also stress plays such a huge impact and I know I have been stressed out and of course the time of year does not help. Everything adds up and we cannot deal with such things at the moment. I can say these things to someone else, however I still have a really hard time believing it all myself, hence i have just posted a question about how can it be worse at 8 months?

 

Marj, it's crazy, but it's true.  My whole first year was tough, very few windows, only hours at a time really.  I also was a long time user and cold turkey'd.  As Coop mentioned, 11-12 months I turned a corner.  I never thought I would.  I still have a ways to go, but I saw dramatic improvement.  It happens just like the success stories promise, you just start feeling really better and then you know for sure you're going to get better.

 

Try not to add to the misery by doubting this will end.  It will, I promise.

[[Gr...]]

LovingMother - That is exactly my experience; couple of times felt better around 5 monthsish. Then been terrible from 6 months onwards. Don't know how I made it through at work (not very productive) but did. Headache all through last night and never suffered with headaches before this. Feel better now, although very tired. I'm starting to get quite angry with this now, it's hard enough bringing up 2 kids with virtually no support without having this to deal with too. My kids want their fun, energetic mum back and I want my life back.  Do you think the time of year could be hampering our progress? I usually love Christmas but this year, oh no, I can't believe it's here again. The thing is I want to be Christmassy.

Hope you have a good day

 

I'm right there with you...raising my son on my own and I'm angry at this point. I really am...

 

But despite it all I'm going to put up a wreath, by a prelit tree, buy gifts, wrap them slowly lol...I wish we all felt better...especially this time of year.

 

I can't even say its the time of the year...its just our sxs acting up because part of the summer I felt bad too...but these past 1.5 months have been hell on earth for me 

 

LM, good girl, pre-lit tree.  I did a pre-cooked turkey, lol.  but life goes on.  We move slowly, but we move.  Can't let the benzo Grinch steal x-mas! 

[[No...]]

Posted this over on another thread ... too many threads for this old fella's brain to keep track of ... hope it helps a bit ...

 

***

 

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Tuesday, Dec. 2

 

The progress of our soul is like a perfect poem. It has an infinite idea which once realised makes all movements full of meaning and joy.

 

Rabindranath Tagore

 

*****

 

Allow me to presume to paraphrase ... "The progress of our healing is like a perfect poem. It has an infinite idea which once realized makes all movements full of meaning and joy." ...

 

And ... this "movement" ... day to day ... along the months of our healing ... this movement through the seeming maze of our symptoms ... confusing and frightful and distressing as our experience of these symptoms often are ... this "slow cooking" ... towards that marvelous, precious gift we are becoming ...

 

And it may be that we are indeed not in a "maze" ... we are not in an unrelenting place of impenetrable fear ... there are no minotaurs to slay ... there are no vines that will permanently cage us in a swampy copse ... these are only the siren demons seemingly beckoning us to "wreck" on shoals that do not exist ...

 

Rather ... we are held within a healing "labyrinth" ... a place the old healing traditions tell us about in their stories ... the image brought forth in our churches ... in the original "hospices" established to comfort and sustain the pilgrims our their journey ... each labyrinth has a beginning, an entry point, and an end, a culmination ... and within each labyrinth we are always safe ... this "container" of healing ...

 

And the "movement" we employ each day carries us towards this culmination that is there for all of us ... through the "weather" we all experience along the way ...

 

And as a wise buddy has said, "nobody gets left behind" ... we all emerge from our unique healing labyrinth ... as long as we stay within this container, we all emerge in time ... a "perfect poem" ...

 

***

 

Wishing everyone a good Tuesday ...

 

Michael

 

[Guest [su...]]

good day everyone.. i'm needing some encouragment today..

 

i've had a very bad 11th month now starting my 12th and i wake up this morning after sleeping about 6.5 hrs and i feel sooo empty i have no soul no feelings of my old self ..just empty.. when does this come back.. when did you all get your souls back to be able to feel love and joy?? this is the worst sxs for me i can't feel ME!!! will i stay like this forever?? this scares me...i think everyone has seen their souls way before me.. most people have their feelings back by now don't they??