6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

6 month mark for me was November 15. I ct Xanax in detox. I also viewed 6 months as my goal mark, thinking that I would magically start feeling better. unfortunately I have begun feeling as bad as I did in the beginning. way worse than I did last month. I don't get it. everyday I wake up more screwed up than I was the day before.

 

Shlbll-unfortunaltely that situation is very common.  It is a slow grind that usually starts to improve after six months.  I felt mostly shitty with some feel good days in months 1-3 and then all hell broke loose.  I felt terrible.  I never felt really good any day just less bad until I had this wonderful window for twelve days recently.  It was a huge turn in my seventh month.

 

 

hi all...interesting read this am on our boards.  I had my check in with my Dr. who prescribed me the V to taper on.  We had a long discussion about the current training of Dr.s here in the US to diagnose a problem and then prescribe a drug.  I told her about my last visit with a doc in her system who wanted me on BP meds and prilosec after a few minutes.  She said she used to be the same until she studied alternative medicine along with western medicine.  BTW...my BP was 122/82   We also went over many ways to try and help my benzo belly without adding any drugs.  she's great

We also discussed how my personality has changed now that I am off benzos...I no longer desire to drink heavily, my sense of proper behavior is sound, and I am no longer doing high risk activities without thinking of the consequences.  It is amazingly insidious how this drug changes who/what you are.  I now have a filter to control what I am saying.  thank god!

 

Other than that above my window has closed.  I had a tough meeting I wrote about yesterday, bad headache at night, woke up with chest pain and major DR.  I accept it is what it is.  My DR has already lessened a lot by this early afternoon.  No pint wondering when it will change because it has a mind of its own.     

 

I ramble my fellow buddies....healing thoughts to all

 

 

We also discussed how my personality has changed now that I am off benzos...I no longer desire to drink heavily, my sense of proper behavior is sound, and I am no longer doing high risk activities without thinking of the consequences.  It is amazingly insidious how this drug changes who/what you are.  I now have a filter to control what I am saying.  thank god!

 

Me, too, Drew, amen!

 

You're so lucky to live where you do (California?) You seem to have better doctors there.  I'm 11 miles out of NYC and I can't find anyone -- maybe I'm not looking in the right places.  But I suspect here it's all about the money.  There's less money in alternative medicine, less prescription drugs, more prevention medicine.  I have to keep looking, and I know I will find good docs.

 

Sorry the window isn't lasting, but you sound really good, regardless.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Everyone,

I think that we are all sounding really good.  Yes, waves still hit hard, but I think that we have learned critical coping strategies that will leave us healthier than ever once we are healed from the benzo damage. 

 

I got hit with the sickness that my hubby and youngest daughter had earlier in the week and ended up staying home today.  I got the stomach thing last night and started running a fever.  Tummy is better today, but fever is hanging on.  The thing I'm relieved about is I got sick and it didn't make me benzo-sick.  It didn't bring a wave and I was able to sleep for several hours this afternoon.  No anxiety, no depression, no other weird body symptoms.... I am just regular ol' sick.  Run-of-the-mill viral thing. 

 

Love to you all,

HH

 

HH, I'm so sorry you're home sick, and so glad it's "normal" sick.  Actually, that's a sign of healing, when you can just get sick in peace!

 

Yes, normal coping strategies, it's very empowering.  I spoke again tonight in front of a roomful of people, and I handled it, never blinked once.  That took practice, that was something I had a hard time with pre-benzo, and I'm pretty comfortable with it now.  If I could just get some sleep, I think I'd be doing better. 

 

Feel better.  (I'm happy to be saying that to you because you have a bug, not because you're in a wave!)

[[Gr...]]

Hi gang.

 

Can I just be frank for a sec? Just for a sec. Promise.

 

Can I just say that I'm annoyed with this process? Its tempting (sooooo tempting) to feel frustrated, tired, rant-y, "victimized", etc...I sometimes feel like I just wanna "quit"...but what does that even mean, lol? I KNOW that "ebb" and "flow" are a part of this process...part of the pricey "price" for a GREAT life again...that life we're all fighting for... But sometimes (not too often nowadays, admittedly) I just wanna scream, "WWWHHHHHEEEEENNNNNN?!?!?!"

 

I absolutely HATE the "fear". Grr. And I do mean GRR. I HATE how it thinks it can just "have its way" with me. That it thinks it can just "tell" me, 'Oh hey - you're going to be afraid of this now', and it thinks I'll just roll over and drool on command... It isn't a fair fight that it fights. Throwing (what feels like) sucker punches here, karate chops there. Fear is a JERK. An @$$hole, if I'm being honest about how I feel about it.

 

My apologies, gang. I KNOW that I'm healing. And I'm grateful with how much progress that has happened these past few months -- it is amazing. I'm just looking forward to the day when I realize that I TELL my brain what to do, to think, how to react, etc -- and I feel like I have the say. (I know I do have the say bow, of course -- I'm just looking forward to feeling it again.) To get rid of that "vice grip" or "brick wall" feeling that tries to come against sound reason, judgment, etc -- anybody else feel like this too sometimes? Veil is being TORN DOWN, baby!

 

(Can it be today, please?)

 

Hope you all are doing good, buddies. I am healthy, happy, and whole. No matter what the dumb benzo brain tries to say. Thank you Lord, amen.

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs., I LOVE  it when ppl get really pissed at their withdrawal!  Good.  I remember cursing mine out in the car, called it every filthy dirty name I knew.  And it felt wonderful.  Get mad, it's good.

 

Yes, you are happy and whole, and yes, you're going to be a lot happier when this is over!  Hang in there, it's going to be all right.

[[pe...]]

These days, I recognize that I am less consumed with the idea of death as a way out. Now, I'm consumed with the desire to run away and heal with the help of magical women and wise men. I'm desiring a visit to the Healing Abby, a temporary break from the world instead of a permanent one.

 

This feels like some kind of progress. How will I create my own healing space at home?

[[Sk...]]

These days, I recognize that I am less consumed with the idea of death as a way out. Now, I'm consumed with the desire to run away and heal with the help of magical women and wise men. I'm desiring a visit to the Healing Abby, a temporary break from the world instead of a permanent one.

 

This feels like some kind of progress. How will I create my own healing space at home?

 

Good thinking Peace.

 

I wish I could say the same, unfortunately I think of nothing else still. 

 

And last night, after a long time of quiet, I had one of my horrifying nightmare. I shrieked in my sleep and Mr Sky got so scared we had to watch a little Tv for half an hour at 4 am !

ANd then, at my first nap of the day, another nightmare, maybe yesterday I got too tired !

[[pe...]]

I sm so sorry, Sky.

 

I am glad for your dear, steadfast Mr. Sky. I hope the day is kinder to you. I will carry you in my heart and send all the extra healing energy I can muster your way.

[[No...]]

Sky ... sorry for your nightmares ... they are dreadful ... be easy ... things will settle down as you move through the day ...

 

[[Sk...]]

Thanks Peace, thanks Nova.

 

Happy healing today to all  !

[[No...]]

Peace ... "magical women and wise men" ... you are already at the Abbey ... you have been there for a long time ... you are in a calm, safe place ...

 

For me ... the hardest thing to recognize is that I am right where I need to be ... there may be nowhere "to go" ... once I can stop moving around for a while, and settle in where I am ... that is all I need right now ... we are already "sufficient" ... the magic and the wisdom is right here, right now ...

 

All I need to do is breathe ... and slow down until the "rhythm" envelops me ... the self-soothing, the self-lullaby ... alone or with others ...

 

We already have what we "need" ... shelter, water, fire, and food ... what else is there to "want"? ...

 

[[No...]]

Good Morning ... woke up pretty stiff in my hip ... kind of gimpy ... and the biopsy site is in good shape ... no pain ... just have to let this heal for a few days ...

 

Feeling pretty sluggish ... I think this is a yarn cutting day ... had a walk outside, but the weather is a bit cranky ... some head and throat and sinus pressure stuff ... not too loud ...

 

Have a good Thursday, Folks ...

 

[[dr...]]

Hi all...my wandow (netherworld between winow and wave) is now a wave.  My bloating was so bad last night.  I can't believe I got hit with this new symptom in month seven.  Does anyone else get this?    I would like reassurance but I'm not really up for all the poking and prodding. Every other thing I've had was withdrawal so what are the odds this isn't?  Especially since they even have a name for it. Benzo belly. It is difficult as there is only so much I can do to help this along. I have to eat and I have to eat some "real" food. Oh well...I vented. 

I slept terrible due to my solid rock belly and I had minor chest pain. Some trouble breathing probably from my diaphragm being squashed.  I woke up and it was raining so I decided to take the day off and be kind to myself.  No more pushing it when I don't have to.  Reading in bed now and will either get a massage or see a movie.  This will pass.

 

Hope all my friends are healing today. 

[[Mr...]]

Hi Mrs. 2!  I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now, but you know that it will pass and I love your fighting spirit. Nothing is going to beat you.    I'm holding your hand through this, jumping buddy. 

 

Drew, I hate that stupid benzo belly. It's one of the worst symptoms, I think.  But it won't last.  What has helped me through it is really cleaning up my diet till it passes and apple with almond butter helps take the edge off.  Have you tried kefir?  You must be so sick of this at this point, as we all are, but look how far you've come.  You're almost there, I know it.

 

[[dr...]]

Guppy-yes sick of being sick. The new symptoms are the hardest.  I thought I had most of them covered during the past three years.  :laugh:Had a great window recently though.  I have been drinking a glass of goat milk kefir every morning.  Expensive but hoping it helps.

[[No...]]

Drew ... had the benzo belly for a long time ... never made any connection to anything that might be contributing to it's presence or it's relief ... one day it was gone ... now it only visits when it gets lonely ...

 

Sometimes ginger tea or club soda help, sometimes not ... I often found just walking about for a while seemed to get some of the "whatever" settled down for a while ... and sometimes not ...

 

And I found the "pressure" sometimes got "disturbing" ...

 

[[Sk...]]

 

Something really weird happened to me today. Well, weirder. I  went to do the shopping at the shopping mall by bike, and I had such a hard time. It was as if I  had never gone on a bike before, my heart was pounding, I was out of breath and could barely keep up with mr Sky.

Let me preface this  by saying that biking has been one of the few things I have been doing constantly all through wd, it is something I could do in my sleep. Even at my sickest biking has always been a pleasant activity, even though my reflexes are awfully slow.

 

So this was really strange. The ride is not something that requires big physical strength either but now my heart aches and my muscles do too.

 

I don't know what to think, maybe I should avoid it for a while ?

 

Last night, the nighmare, today another one, the bike ride, you may think this has been a bad day but it really wasn't. It was ok, all in all, my symptoms were oddly calm.

 

The only thing that was really painful were my thoughts. The whole array of benzo thoughts, breaking my heart and driving me nuts.

 

And I am having a worse time concentrating. Yesterday, after the fourth lesson, I noticed I was really struggling at paying attention to my student, and that scared me. I guess I must not give availability for more than 4 lessons a day, yet. Still not ready, I guess.

 

I want to live in the now, but how can I if all my thoughts are dragging me from one place to another in the  matter of seconds all day long ?

 

Has anybody had anything similar to my bike ride happening to them ?

 

Just wondering if the tables are being turned once again.

 

Have a nice evening, I hope there is more healing going on.

 

I am looking at the date, I can't believe in 9 days I will be at month 13 !!

[[mr...]]

Hi all...my wandow (netherworld between winow and wave) is now a wave.  My bloating was so bad last night.  I can't believe I got hit with this new symptom in month seven.  Does anyone else get this?    I would like reassurance but I'm not really up for all the poking and prodding. Every other thing I've had was withdrawal so what are the odds this isn't?  Especially since they even have a name for it. Benzo belly. It is difficult as there is only so much I can do to help this along. I have to eat and I have to eat some "real" food. Oh well...I vented. 

I slept terrible due to my solid rock belly and I had minor chest pain. Some trouble breathing probably from my diaphragm being squashed.  I woke up and it was raining so I decided to take the day off and be kind to myself.  No more pushing it when I don't have to.  Reading in bed now and will either get a massage or see a movie.  This will pass.

 

Hope all my friends are healing today. 

 

Drew I used to have "benzo belly". It will pass

 

Take care buddy

 

Mrs.

[[dr...]]

 

Something really weird happened to me today. Well, weirder. I  went to do the shopping at the shopping mall by bike, and I had such a hard time. It was as if I  had never gone on a bike before, my heart was pounding, I was out of breath and could barely keep up with mr Sky.

Let me preface this  by saying that biking has been one of the few things I have been doing constantly all through wd, it is something I could do in my sleep. Even at my sickest biking has always been a pleasant activity, even though my reflexes are awfully slow.

 

So this was really strange. The ride is not something that requires big physical strength either but now my heart aches and my muscles do too.

 

I don't know what to think, maybe I should avoid it for a while ?

 

Last night, the nighmare, today another one, the bike ride, you may think this has been a bad day but it really wasn't. It was ok, all in all, my symptoms were oddly calm.

 

The only thing that was really painful were my thoughts. The whole array of benzo thoughts, breaking my heart and driving me nuts.

 

And I am having a worse time concentrating. Yesterday, after the fourth lesson, I noticed I was really struggling at paying attention to my student, and that scared me. I guess I must not give availability for more than 4 lessons a day, yet. Still not ready, I guess.

 

I want to live in the now, but how can I if all my thoughts are dragging me from one place to another in the  matter of seconds all day long ?

 

Has anybody had anything similar to my bike ride happening to them ?

 

Just wondering if the tables are being turned once again.

 

Have a nice evening, I hope there is more healing going on.

 

I am looking at the date, I can't believe in 9 days I will be at month 13 !!

 

Sky-when I'm in a wave like now I get out of breath from a flight of stairs!  It happened yesterday and I was thinking "the wave has cometh".    When I'm in a wave what I can do physically goes down dramatically.

 

On another note...I try to find some healing anywhere I can and I noticed the last two mornings I had some dread and anxiety.  It was so minor but I did notice it.  In my earlier waves it was cycling in and out 10x worse and for much longer periods so that's some progress. It's official though I'm in a wave.

[[Gr...]]

 

Something really weird happened to me today. Well, weirder. I  went to do the shopping at the shopping mall by bike, and I had such a hard time. It was as if I  had never gone on a bike before, my heart was pounding, I was out of breath and could barely keep up with mr Sky.

Let me preface this  by saying that biking has been one of the few things I have been doing constantly all through wd, it is something I could do in my sleep. Even at my sickest biking has always been a pleasant activity, even though my reflexes are awfully slow.

 

So this was really strange. The ride is not something that requires big physical strength either but now my heart aches and my muscles do too.

 

I don't know what to think, maybe I should avoid it for a while ?

 

Last night, the nighmare, today another one, the bike ride, you may think this has been a bad day but it really wasn't. It was ok, all in all, my symptoms were oddly calm.

 

The only thing that was really painful were my thoughts. The whole array of benzo thoughts, breaking my heart and driving me nuts.

 

And I am having a worse time concentrating. Yesterday, after the fourth lesson, I noticed I was really struggling at paying attention to my student, and that scared me. I guess I must not give availability for more than 4 lessons a day, yet. Still not ready, I guess.

 

I want to live in the now, but how can I if all my thoughts are dragging me from one place to another in the  matter of seconds all day long ?

 

Has anybody had anything similar to my bike ride happening to them ?

 

Just wondering if the tables are being turned once again.

 

Have a nice evening, I hope there is more healing going on.

 

I am looking at the date, I can't believe in 9 days I will be at month 13 !!

 

RIDING THE BIKE  Sky, am I surprised?  No, nothing surprises me anymore.  I had to give up biking, and it was my go to, rain or shine, every day, and I did some miles, not a problem.  Only problem was on the ride my crazy thoughts went crazy, looping wildly, but afterwards I felt better.

 

Well, with this last round of fatigue, I noticed I was going slower and slower.  Then one day I was barely pedaling.  No energy,  couldn't keep up.  my legs didn't hurt, just didn't have enough juice to pedal.  Now I'm walking where I used to ride, I'm able to manage 1 1/5 miles.  It's insane, you couldn't make this up, no one can believe this, I can't believe it. 

 

As you said a while back, the game is changing, has changed.

 

PS  Actually, when  I get to where I ride, I don't even want to get out of the car, I have to fight the desire to go into the back seat and take a rest. 

[[No...]]

WORD FOR THE DAY

 

Friday, Nov. 21

 

I would love to live like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding.

 

John O'Donohue

 

"Fluent" from Conamara Blues

 

[[No...]]

Green ... yep ... the beast keeps changing the "rules" ... and it seems all we can do sometimes is just say okay fine ...

 

And yep ... who would believe this stuff if they have not walked a few years in our shoes ...

 

And we are getting there ... whether we ride or walk or swim or just jump up and down for a few days ...

 

[[Ha...]]

I hate to admit it but as unbelievable as this seems, I am so glad I have each and everyone one of u! Going through this alone with no understanding one would truly think they were going insane. Or that a year off the meds we would have some incureable diease. I just wanted to say thank you!!! Keep fighting the fight!!!

 

 

Love u all,

 

Happy me

Yes still in a wave!

[[No...]]

Happy me ... you are welcome ... without BB I would have probably packed it in a long time ago ... or maybe not, I am a stubborn old cuss ...

 

Time and steadfastness ... and BB ... that is our remedy ...

 

[[Ha...]]

It sure is!! I feel normal when I get on here for sure! Truly a long hard road but to be here and to hear and learn, I am forever greatful!!!! We are sure lucky to have this board!!!!

 

 

Hurry up and get healed!!! 😉

 

Happy me

[[Gr...]]

Green ... yep ... the beast keeps changing the "rules" ... and it seems all we can do sometimes is just say okay fine ...

 

And yep ... who would believe this stuff if they have not walked a few years in our shoes ...

 

And we are getting there ... whether we ride or walk or swim or just jump up and down for a few days ...

 

 

Nova, the beast can change the rules all it wants.  We adapt!!  Sometimes a little messily at first, lol.  We are survivors, we've been through worst sh^& than this.  If there's one thing we know how to do, it's hang on

[[Gr...]]

I hate to admit it but as unbelievable as this seems, I am so glad I have each and everyone one of u! Going through this alone with no understanding one would truly think they were going insane. Or that a year off the meds we would have some incureable diease. I just wanted to say thank you!!! Keep fighting the fight!!!

 

 

Love u all,

 

Happy me

Yes still in a wave!

 

Happy, truer words were never spoken.  Where would I be were it not for this forum and these ppl?  On psych meds, most likely for life.  Never knowing what the pills did to my brain, and the answer is just let it get better.

 

Nova, bought Anatomy of an Epidemic on your recommendation.  Mind-blowing.