6-12 month thread....

[[Fr...]]

Coop - so happy to hear that the awful anxiety has lifted for you!!!

 

Life - so happy to hear about your progress and am grateful to you for your encouraging attitude.

 

Lisa]

[[He...]]

Today has been weird.  My anxiety and other symptoms have been increasing as the day goes on, rather than the normal decrease.  I have to say that I do NOT like this change and I am praying that it doesn't stay!  It's 5:00 and I have head pressure, chest pressure, jitters, anxiety, and even the stupid health fear of thinking I'm about ready to fall over dead.  I haven't had that for a while now.    I feel like I could just burst into tears at any moment.  I thought I was pulling out of this wave.  I'm ready to go back to my 95% healed!! 

 

If I was there once, I'll be there again....right?

[[pe...]]

Coop- in so glad things are turning around for you. I hope your symptoms continue to lift and you find yourself in a big window. I am so frustrated about the calms forte thing. I take the children's version and I've been drinking chamomile tea everyday for months. I don't want to be without those things and I don't want to believe they're impeding my healing!!!! I would love to hear from healed people on this.

 

Healing hope- I want you back to 95% too. I don't like to hear of your suffering. Maybe this is your last big wave and when it passes you'll be more than 95%.

 

MoommyR - I hope everything eases for you as well.

 

I'm in a bit of a brain swirl. I recently found out that I don't metabolize medications at the same rate as most. I'm a slow metabolizer which explains how this all happened. For me, this started with a drug I was given in the ER for a migraine. It caused really weird side effects which led to SsRi's which led to benzos. I'm afraid that the migraine med caused permanent damage to my brain. That's my question for my doctor tomorrow. I know all my symptoms fall into the range of benzo withdrawal stuff. I could settle into that and let time pass. My fear is that wild card of the med I was given in the ER. Maybe I can get some peace on that point tomorrow. Part of the reason I worry is because I never have windows. I have some days better than others but never windows. I always feel like I have brain damage. I'm afraid it could be true and not just benzo. Either way, I'm guessing only time will tell.

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Peace,

 

Windows are all relative. A window could be having a time when the symptoms are more tolerable and less threatening. Are you saying that you never had moments were you just felt -- lets say -- ok? It does not mean anything but just wondering. I know that you will heal as you seem to have better days and "not so better" days. In either event we all have to deal with these stupid symptoms. I am not anti medication I am just anti feeling bad or addicted. If you still feel you have no windows have you thought about other med until you start feeling better? I would have no problems myself taking other meds if it made me feel better. Just not benzos which will have tolerance and w/d.

 

life

[[Gr...]]

Coop- in so glad things are turning around for you. I hope your symptoms continue to lift and you find yourself in a big window. I am so frustrated about the calms forte thing. I take the children's version and I've been drinking chamomile tea everyday for months. I don't want to be without those things and I don't want to believe they're impeding my healing!!!! I would love to hear from healed people on this.

 

Healing hope- I want you back to 95% too. I don't like to hear of your suffering. Maybe this is your last big wave and when it passes you'll be more than 95%.

 

MoommyR - I hope everything eases for you as well.

 

I'm in a bit of a brain swirl. I recently found out that I don't metabolize medications at the same rate as most. I'm a slow metabolizer which explains how this all happened. For me, this started with a drug I was given in the ER for a migraine. It caused really weird side effects which led to SsRi's which led to benzos. I'm afraid that the migraine med caused permanent damage to my brain. That's my question for my doctor tomorrow. I know all my symptoms fall into the range of benzo withdrawal stuff. I could settle into that and let time pass. My fear is that wild card of the med I was given in the ER. Maybe I can get some peace on that point tomorrow. Part of the reason I worry is because I never have windows. I have some days better than others but never windows. I always feel like I have brain damage. I'm afraid it could be true and not just benzo. Either way, I'm guessing only time will tell.

 

Peace2

 

Peace, I never had a real window.  I realized it when I had one at almost 8 month.  In my progress log I noted just before the window that I considered myself disabled.  I always try to be positive and upbeat, so I wasn't looking at how limited I was and how messed up I felt.  And then I had this window, out of nowhere.  Don't lose faith.  Hold on.  P.S.  I am a fast metabolizer, whatever that means.  And we don't metabolize everything fast or slow, only certain things

[[pe...]]

Life- there are moments where I feel more ok, but never moments where I feel like me.

Green- you are a light in the darkness. Thanks for that vote of hope. Maybe it's just benzo and my windows will come down the road.

 

I need my doctor to put this to rest for me. This is the med I was given in the ER that started it all:

metoclopramide:

 

Specific Warnings and Precautions for Metoclopramide

Some warnings and precautions to be aware of with metoclopramide include the following:

 

Metoclopramide can cause depression. Some cases are mild, while others are quite severe and may involve suicidal thinking or behavior. Make sure to tell your healthcare provider if you have depression or even a history of depression. If you start to notice any depression symptoms while taking metoclopramide, contact your healthcare provider right away.

 

Hoping it's a transient and not a permanent effect. Fear is in full force tonight.  :'(

Peace2

 

[[Gr...]]

Hey, guys and gals.  Whew, my head is spinning.  I just read 10 pages of posts and I'm trying to absorb it.  Boy, withdrawal is brutal. 

 

I was thinking today that we lose sight of why we're going through this nightmare.  We're getting off this poison drug.  against all the odds, we're getting off.  Some, like me, like Life, have been on it for more than a decade.  And we're going to be amazing people when this is over.  Whenever we have a challenge in life, it's going to pale by comparison to benzo withdrawal.  If you can get through benzo withdrawal, you can get through anything. 

 

And we're all going to make it.  We're not going to lose anyone.  We're all going to be healthy and happy and write success stories.  Seriously, I don't ever want to forget about withdrawal.  I don't ever want to forget how much inner strength and commitment it took, and how we all help each other get to the other side.

[[Co...]]

Peace, I am sure the tea is fine...I was just obssessing about the binding of the apigenen flavonoid in Calms Forte to GABA...I got caught up in the details...many people take Calms and have no problem with it. I was taking it 2x a day and at night for several days straight. For me, I think it caused me the intense jitters, but it could all be coincidental..the jitters stopped after 36 hours off the Calms...that could be placebo. ...I am sorry if I worried anyone beside myself. .My biggest point is that we should be careful and aware of herbal and supplemental remedies. If it hasn't bothered you ...no worries. ...

......I too have been bouncing around between s/x...mostly d/r today and that weird disconnect from time.  Health fears too ( are those ever going to go away for us?).

.......A few more months and we should be seeing more reliable enduring windows...I am trying to concentrate on all the things I want to do when I can trust my brain from oneminute to the next. ......I did go to yoga today and got through it in a completely disconnected fashion...going through the motions so to speak. It was better than staying home trying to second guess the one hundred things that could possibly go wrong with my heart, brain, kidneys or liver...Amazing where my thoughts can travel now......Peace, I hope your s/x get themselves back in order tomorrow so you can take a stab at predicting your day. .....We are all one day closer....coop

[[Gr...]]

Does anyone know what the humming vibrating sensation that starts from the inner core and radiates throughout the whole body is?  I had it last night while trying to sleep.  Pretty rough night. It was like torture.  I started to run in a place a few times to stop it but I was too tired. I'm afraid to go to bed tonight b/c it was so unpleasant and I'm afraid it will happen again.

 

Also, Jenny, I have a huge prego benzo belly.  I swear if I ever get through this I'm getting a tummy tuck.  I'm sorry you got hit again.  Feel better.

[[Co...]]

Life, cog fog is that feeling of trying to think through mud. It is a little like confusion because I sometimes get something like the grocery list all put together and within 5 minutes forget the rationale behind why I listed the specific items on it. I am sure this is what Alzheimer's Disease feels like....but for me it gets mingled with depression because it is scary to not be able to follow a train of thought. I woke up with it this morning along with d/p which I have only had one small experience of way back in taper.

.....One thing I am noticing is new s/x that I have not experienced at all or only briefly or ones that I thought were gone.

......I was just so thankful to not have intense jitters ...everything else seemed manageable in comparrison.......hope everyone is having a peaceful evening..  wish we were all 15 months off....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, I have been having the same thing in my head for days. The only thing that helps me is a hot pack to my head. I think it is helpful because it is a counter sensation to the vibrating sensation. Going outside, soaking in a hot tub, anything that produces a different body sensation. The head pressure and sensations tortured me. I hope this one lets go of you very soon. How was your trip in to the city to see the dance troupe?.....hope you had a great time....coop......

[[Gr...]]

Thanks Coop.

 

Trip to the city was interesting. Not what I thought, but interesting.  Talk soon.

 

Hope you're well.  These vibrations are hell

[[je...]]

Green,

I get the inner vibrations too, always at night. I have no clue what causes them. I also get them in my head. I'm with you on the tummy tuck! Ha ha! I hope your all doing well. Jenny

[[He...]]

Hey, guys and gals.  Whew, my head is spinning.  I just read 10 pages of posts and I'm trying to absorb it.  Boy, withdrawal is brutal. 

 

I was thinking today that we lose sight of why we're going through this nightmare.  We're getting off this poison drug.  against all the odds, we're getting off.  Some, like me, like Life, have been on it for more than a decade.  And we're going to be amazing people when this is over.  Whenever we have a challenge in life, it's going to pale by comparison to benzo withdrawal.  If you can get through benzo withdrawal, you can get through anything. 

 

And we're all going to make it.  We're not going to lose anyone.  We're all going to be healthy and happy and write success stories.  Seriously, I don't ever want to forget about withdrawal.  I don't ever want to forget how much inner strength and commitment it took, and how we all help each other get to the other side.

 

I love this!! Thanks!

[[pl...]]

Thanks  for being so positive. I miss that about BB. I haven been here in about 5 months. I'm on month nine and things have been pretty shaky recently, so I'm back.

 

I think I indeed lost site. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the real me and my family deserves to have that. Recently though, I am not certain that I like the real me. I am still horribly irritable and can't even spend time with my wife and kids without loosing it. Luckily I'm mature enough to not always let it show, but it still sucks. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with this for an indefinite amount of time, you know? I still sweat all the time and can't handle social situations either. I guess I just feel broken. I'm not too sure how to fix myself.

 

I know we have all come such a long way and I have a deep respect for everyone here and myself for doing it. I just can't help wondering if it was the right choice.

 

 

Hey, guys and gals.  Whew, my head is spinning.  I just read 10 pages of posts and I'm trying to absorb it.  Boy, withdrawal is brutal. 

 

I was thinking today that we lose sight of why we're going through this nightmare.  We're getting off this poison drug.  against all the odds, we're getting off.  Some, like me, like Life, have been on it for more than a decade.  And we're going to be amazing people when this is over.  Whenever we have a challenge in life, it's going to pale by comparison to benzo withdrawal.  If you can get through benzo withdrawal, you can get through anything. 

 

And we're all going to make it.  We're not going to lose anyone.  We're all going to be healthy and happy and write success stories.  Seriously, I don't ever want to forget about withdrawal.  I don't ever want to forget how much inner strength and commitment it took, and how we all help each other get to the other side.

 

I love this!! Thanks!

[[No...]]

Hi Folks - Tuesday was very hard for me ... felt like I was going backwards rather than forward ... really hard ... did my usual stuff to ride this one out ... then while working this afternoon my computer died ... just sat there staring for a long while ... then my wife came home early from her job feeling ill ... so we sat for quite a while waiting for things to "even out" ... just slowing things down ...

 

Then we just smiled at each other with the look of "shit happens" ... we had a good laugh. Nothing got "fixed" but we "felt" better. Not the stuff of Greek tragedy ... just life in the present moment.

 

Now 3 am after a few hours sleep. She is feeling better, probably stomach flu-ey stuff, I am on her laptop. Going out to get new computer this morning. Stomach is doing its flip-flop stuff, head is lousy, and anxiety is dancing around.

 

A new day on the road to recovery.

 

As an old mentor in the on-line industry advised long ago "smile and dial".

 

Wishing a good Wednesday for everyone.

[[Sk...]]

Hi, I was away for a day and half from the thread and I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

Here's my news.

 

This is nice and funny at the same time.

 

I gave a online lesson of Italian yesterday. It was the first time ever that I taught Italian.  Before, I would have never dared  but now I'm so desperate  about making some money.

 

After, the client posted feedaback and he said "she clearly knows what she is doing"  :laugh:

 

I do? That's news! I sure didn't feel like I did, the guy intimidated the hell out of me!

 

It's been a long time that anybody has said that about me!! " She clearly knows what she is doing"!! Mr SKy and I laughed so much!!

 

Because these are first lessons I am charging very little.  I hope to get more clients, so I do need good feedback.

 

It's amazing what one is capable of when one has nothing to lose. I know that now, with all that I'm sick, I'm so much stronger.

 

The good thing is that the day after I was able to sleep and I didn't feel particularly sick! I may be earning little but it's such a boost for my self esteem!

 

I agree with Green Ice.

 

When I prepare my monthly symptom list to monitor improvements, I'm always amazed by how many things we are going through all at once.

 

Anybody else would be overwhelmed by just one of these things at a time!

 

We may feel we are on our knees, but we are really so brave. We're just not acknowledged  , is all  .

 

The rest will be a breeze!

[[La...]]

Hi:

 

Just wanted to say hello to you folks now that I am in the beginning of my 6th month off ativan.  I've been doing fairly well so I haven't been on the boards as much as I was in the past but still have some lingering sxs:

 

Tinnitus (rare)

Facial/oral numbness (rare)

Spikes of fear (uncommon, only last 10s of seconds)

alcohol sensitivity ( )

early waking (~6am; sporadic through the week)

buzzing brain in the a.m (every day, disappears by mid morning)

muscle twitching (rare)

 

I'd put my baseline at ~95% healed now. This last 5% is going SLOOOOOOW. But I am very thankful to be where I am now.

 

I'm also doing well when I travel. No fear on the airplane, sleeping well in hotels. It's been the struggle of my life to get to this point. wishing you all the best for a speedy and complete healing. 

 

[[wh...]]

Wow GreenIce I love the analogy you make to all this and not turning back.  I feel you.  OMG somedays.  I'm not 6 months off so I shouldn't be posting here but I have been in tolerance for a long time.  I never upped my dose in the 3 years I was on different benzos.

Always hated them so I feel like I have been going through this for years.  Can even the tiny amount I was on 2.5 mg valium cause this hell.  Unbelievable.  Today I am angry at it all.  the drug companies, doctors, myself.....aarghhhh......

I really hope we can all sue them after.....some gutsy lawyer will take on a class action suit....

Have a good day.  I could barely take a shower this morning...damn.

Gonna do stuff anyway but I sure would like to be happy doing it....not afraid. 

[[He...]]

Here is what I just wrote on my progress log:

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6/11 - OK, here's the deal.  I AM healing.  I am just having a tough wave, but here is what I know about waves:

                I have always come out of them before.

                They suck, but are temporary.

                They usually have lead to a better baseline.

                Other people get them too, and they also come out of them.

 

Yes, we are probably moving this summer.  Yes, we have probably lost our house.  Yes, this would be a HUGE source of stress for ANYONE. And, yes, I get to do this with a fragile CNS and in the midst of recovery.  But you know what?  I CAN do this!  Better times are waiting and it will be good to have a fresh start.

 

It is time to ride through this wave.  I am not going to fight it, make it worse, or let it scare me to immobility.  I am going to simply ride it out.  I am going to make and keep plans, like I did all school year, and if I feel anxious, then so what?  I feel anxious.

 

Here are the positives:

    We will be able to get a fresh start and get our finances back in order.

    We will not have to deal with this disaster of a house with all the things to fix anymore.

    This time of increased stress will be a learning opportunity for me.  I will learn, and trust, that I can deal with times of great stress without the "help" of a benzo.  I will be stronger.

    Our family is very close, and it is not the house that creates that, it is our relationships...and that will be there no matter where we live.  We are happy and healthy and together.

    God is so much bigger than this problem, and I will rely and trust in Him through it all!!!

    I have a long track record of pushing through waves and being productive despite how I feel.  There is no reason to believe this time will be any different. 

    We have been living with the uncertainty with the house for over a year, it is good to finally start to get an action plan.

 

I choose to believe in healing. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I have been hit hard with a wave and I was starting to feel like I am being swept under.  I don't know exactly how I am going to get through this, but I plan on eating healthy, walking, and keep moving forward.  GreenIce, you are so right.  There is no turning back, there is only through....and sometimes through is right in the middle of a storm.  We have to keep moving forward, despite the stressors of life....and some of them are HUGE. 

 

Thanks for listening.  This support group means a lot to me. 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Thanks  for being so positive. I miss that about BB. I haven been here in about 5 months. I'm on month nine and things have been pretty shaky recently, so I'm back.

 

I think I indeed lost site. I have to keep reminding myself that this is the real me and my family deserves to have that. Recently though, I am not certain that I like the real me. I am still horribly irritable and can't even spend time with my wife and kids without loosing it. Luckily I'm mature enough to not always let it show, but it still sucks. It's just so frustrating to have to deal with this for an indefinite amount of time, you know? I still sweat all the time and can't handle social situations either. I guess I just feel broken. I'm not too sure how to fix myself.

 

I know we have all come such a long way and I have a deep respect for everyone here and myself for doing it. I just can't help wondering if it was the right choice.

 

 

Hey, guys and gals.  Whew, my head is spinning.  I just read 10 pages of posts and I'm trying to absorb it.  Boy, withdrawal is brutal. 

 

I was thinking today that we lose sight of why we're going through this nightmare.  We're getting off this poison drug.  against all the odds, we're getting off.  Some, like me, like Life, have been on it for more than a decade.  And we're going to be amazing people when this is over.  Whenever we have a challenge in life, it's going to pale by comparison to benzo withdrawal.  If you can get through benzo withdrawal, you can get through anything. 

 

And we're all going to make it.  We're not going to lose anyone.  We're all going to be healthy and happy and write success stories.  Seriously, I don't ever want to forget about withdrawal.  I don't ever want to forget how much inner strength and commitment it took, and how we all help each other get to the other side.

 

I love this!! Thanks!

 

Hey Platt

 

Glad you came back for a bit.  This takes a long time.  And it is worth it.  I really think after a year you'll see some good changes. Most people say that.  I know for me it's not always withdrawal.  There are things in my life that I may need to change, how I deal with people, how I set limits.  Like you, I'm mature enough, or smart enough,to keep my mouth shut right now because my emotions are so unreliable from minute to minute.  Glad to have you back 

[[Gr...]]

Green,

I get the inner vibrations too, always at night. I have no clue what causes them. I also get them in my head. I'm with you on the tummy tuck! Ha ha! I hope your all doing well. Jenny

 

How can you stand those vibrations?  I had 'em so bad I'm afraid to go to bed!  lol.  My whole body was humming like a generator.  and no turn-off switch!

 

We get a discount on tummy tucks if we go to Thailand and get a group rate.  I'm only half kidding.

[[Co...]]

Wow.. lots going on on the thread today....Laser....so good to hear from you..and your post is so encouraging.. comes at a time of struggle for some of us..thanks for the update. I am so happy happy happy for you...sounds like you are going to be writing a success story soon ...wishing you wonderful healing and health..  coop....

.......Nova.  glad you are not finding pieces if your face on the floor..lol. Sorry to hear that you are up and down and still only a few hours of sleep at a time. I am happy for you that you have Mrs Nova to share those sympathetic knowing looks with, because sometimes in p/w even talking is too much effort. .Hope things look up for you pretty soon Nova..you have a break long over due owed to you from the Benzo Beast. Did you get a new laptop?..

......Hope...you are so strong...we are all here for you as you go through such a big transition. It soundws like in the end it is going to be alot off yourvshoulders. A year is a long time to be under the stress of house worries. I am so glad you have such a strong family behind you.

...signing off for awhile.....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green, I have been having the same thing in my head for days. The only thing that helps me is a hot pack to my head. I think it is helpful because it is a counter sensation to the vibrating sensation. Going outside, soaking in a hot tub, anything that produces a different body sensation. The head pressure and sensations tortured me. I hope this one lets go of you very soon. How was your trip in to the city to see the dance troupe?.....hope you had a great time....coop......

 

Did you see Diaz-Pam's thread on cortisol and Vitamin C?

[[Gr...]]

Hi, I was away for a day and half from the thread and I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

Here's my news.

 

This is nice and funny at the same time.

 

I gave a online lesson of Italian yesterday. It was the first time ever that I taught Italian.  Before, I would have never dared  but now I'm so desperate  about making some money.

 

After, the client posted feedaback and he said "she clearly knows what she is doing"  :laugh:

 

I do? That's news! I sure didn't feel like I did, the guy intimidated the hell out of me!

 

It's been a long time that anybody has said that about me!! " She clearly knows what she is doing"!! Mr SKy and I laughed so much!!

 

Because these are first lessons I am charging very little.  I hope to get more clients, so I do need good feedback.

 

It's amazing what one is capable of when one has nothing to lose. I know that now, with all that I'm sick, I'm so much stronger.

 

The good thing is that the day after I was able to sleep and I didn't feel particularly sick! I may be earning little but it's such a boost for my self esteem!

 

I agree with Green Ice.

 

When I prepare my monthly symptom list to monitor improvements, I'm always amazed by how many things we are going through all at once.

 

Anybody else would be overwhelmed by just one of these things at a time!

 

We may feel we are on our knees, but we are really so brave. We're just not acknowledged  , is all  .

 

The rest will be a breeze!

 

I'm so happy for you.  That's amazing, being able to earn money.  It's not like you have a job like a lot of us have, that you can do with your eyes closed. You really have to perform.  This is progress.  Good for you.