6-12 month thread....

[[Fr...]]

Healing - can you describe that jumping out of your skin feeling? - I think I'm having that too but not many people here commented.  So it's still there 11 months out?  Yikes.  Did yours ease up at all over time?  I see that you are 95 percent healed.  I hope you are able to write a success account soon.

 

L. 

[[Co...]]

Free.  I read your post on the p/w board...trying to post back, but have been with my daughter and went to yoga....will get back to it this sevening. The short version. is....I am having exactly the same s/x..  your post was reassuring to me.....more later.

 

.....Nova, Peace, Jenny, Life, Buelah,  Sky and Green....et all......

....sounds like we are all in a similar space today.....more this evening....I have a feeling, that for me it is going to be a BB night.

.......So grateful for every one of you....Life...keep going...we are all so following.....coop

[[Gr...]]

Healing - can you describe that jumping out of your skin feeling? - I think I'm having that too but not many people here commented.  So it's still there 11 months out?  Yikes.  Did yours ease up at all over time?  I see that you are 95 percent healed.  I hope you are able to write a success account soon.

 

L.

 

This question is not addressed to me but I'd like to give you my version of jumping out of my skin.  Like:  I would love to unzip my skin and set my spirit free so it can run down the road screaming.  I need to free the spirit because my poor old body could never run down the block.  I don't know if I'm lol'g.

[[li...]]

I was wondering if some of you can relate. So I have a dog that is a complete asshole.. no other way of explaining it. He's a beautiful White Golden Retriever but unlike his brother he takes it upon himself to cause me all kinds of shit - always has.  So he gets on my nerves and no we don't hit him. My wife reminds me that he was my choice when I brought him home. We have 5 dogs and a cat. He's trouble -- not a biter but malicious.

 

So here is my benzo question -- he had taken it upon himself to run away two times this week. This afternoon was day 2 this week. Unlike where we used to live where he would do that we live in an area where he can get killed. My point is not the dog if you can imagine -- it is my "freak out" moment when I had to deal with finding him and panicked he was going to get killed.

 

I was wondering if what I experienced while in this stress is similar to all of you -- I basically got stressed to the hilt and my mind went into a kind of overwhelm where I thought I would not be able to deal with it. Here's what concerned me -- I squinted my eyes in fatigue and just felt overwhelmed and just could not deal with the possibility of having to post pictures on telephone poles and all.  I found him and brought him home but felt the overhang. I felt just a cloud of overwhelm. It is just the dog got lost. Do you all react this way to stress? Overwhelm.

 

life

[[pe...]]

Life- I frequently answer the question, "how are you?" with the word overwhelmed. Almost everything is overwhelming. I'm sorry your dog is being a pain. That doesn't help at all. My good old dog likes to run too. We leave in a pretty big city, busy street. I don't worry so much. I just imagine she's our having her last hurrahs. She always comes home. My 3 year old on the other hand.... total pain!!!!!!

 

I think we'll feel less overwhelmed as time goes by.

 

Peace2

[[Gr...]]

I was wondering if some of you can relate. So I have a dog that is a complete asshole.. no other way of explaining it. He's a beautiful White Golden Retriever but unlike his brother he takes it upon himself to cause me all kinds of shit - always has.  So he gets on my nerves and no we don't hit him. My wife reminds me that he was my choice when I brought him home. We have 5 dogs and a cat. He's trouble -- not a biter but malicious.

 

So here is my benzo question -- he had taken it upon himself to run away two times this week. This afternoon was day 2 this week. Unlike where we used to live where he would do that we live in an area where he can get killed. My point is not the dog if you can imagine -- it is my "freak out" moment when I had to deal with finding him and panicked he was going to get killed.

 

I was wondering if what I experienced while in this stress is similar to all of you -- I basically got stressed to the hilt and my mind went into a kind of overwhelm where I thought I would not be able to deal with it. Here's what concerned me -- I squinted my eyes in fatigue and just felt overwhelmed and just could not deal with the possibility of having to post pictures on telephone poles and all.  I found him and brought him home but felt the overhang. I felt just a cloud of overwhelm. It is just the dog got lost. Do you all react this way to stress? Overwhelm.

 

life

 

Life, when I start to squint my eyes (in my case, I hunch over, squint, and my face is the picture of mental distress) I'm in a very bad place.  I can hear you're pissed at the dog because he's putting you in a place you'd rather not be  No, who wants to run searching for a dog who keeps running away?  I don't even want to stay up waiting for my 20 year old to come home from a night of partying.  Our CNS is like a tightrope walker holding a bowling ball in one hand.  It takes very very little to knock that little body off the rope and down to the net. (Parker's description) That's where you're at.  You're mostly healed but it's still very precarious.  And you have every right to protect your fragile recovery.  I would give the job of finding the dog to someone else if I could

[[He...]]

Healing - can you describe that jumping out of your skin feeling? - I think I'm having that too but not many people here commented.  So it's still there 11 months out?  Yikes.  Did yours ease up at all over time?  I see that you are 95 percent healed.  I hope you are able to write a success account soon.

 

L.

 

To me it feels like almost an electrical current just under my skin, sort of a chemical "zinging" anxiety, I guess.  My anxiety had a big change to its "feel", probably about 6 months out, and it's more physical now and less in my head.  I do NOT have it all the time, and it is already gone again from when I posted a few hours ago.  I'm back to feeling good.  It's so bizarre how it can change so often!  Luckily, as I get closer and closer to a year, the intensity is not near as intense and the duration isn't as long. 

 

I hope to write a success story soon, too!  I suppose in a way I already could....I feel very successful that I just completed a year of teaching while going through w/d (1 1/2 years if I count tapering).  I did my job well and people didn't even know anything was wrong unless I confided in them.  I only missed maybe 5 days total...mostly in the 3-6 month range and only taking 1/2 days.  Yesterday was a big milestone for me! 

[[Fr...]]

Congratulations Healing and thanks for responding to my question.  You have given me hope that this unnerving feeling will disappear or ease up soon.

 

Enjoy your recovered life - you deserve every happiness.

 

Lisa

[[pe...]]

Hi Healing,

Congrats on finishing up your year! I'm a teacher too with three more work days ahead of me. I don't know how I did it. I'm kind of amazed and not looking forward to the lack of structure. I've got my own kids at home so I'll be with them and hopefully that will be the distraction I need. I hope were both feeling better by the fall. Any summer plans?

 

Peace2

[[li...]]

Hi Healing,

Congrats on finishing up your year! I'm a teacher too with three more work days ahead of me. I don't know how I did it. I'm kind of amazed and not looking forward to the lack of structure. I've got my own kids at home so I'll be with them and hopefully that will be the distraction I need. I hope were both feeling better by the fall. Any summer plans?

 

Peace2

 

I was going to say that if anyone asked me that they were thinking about quitting their job  during w/d I think I would strongly suggest not to. Structure is invaluable for distraction.

 

Anyway I am back to feeling good again. I think that I am healing big time as I did not go into a wave. I actually went out with a friend and that provided a great distraction. I must say that this has been the most trying time of my life but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

HealingHope, I was wondering at which time did you start feeling better? -- turning the preverbal corner? I think its important as there are many right behind us time wise. My corner turning was at 8 months I think.

 

life

[[li...]]

actually I see your profile which caused me to change mine bellow. It looks like what my doctor is correct when he said that 8 months is a big month for change in a positive way. He called this the "turn the corner month". That when it happened to me and apparently for you too. Guts and gals, hang in there. Your almost there whether a year or so -- give or take.

 

life

[[Co...]]

Free, ..my jittery jumpy feeling is pure raw physical anxiety...like 10 cups of strong coffeewith caffeine tablets thrown in for good measure. I shake tremble and get nauseous. I can not sit, think, focus or eat. My mind joins in with scary thoughts,  but my concentration is so poor I can't follow my scary thoughts. ( unlike my mental anxiety in which I am so obssessed that I can not UNfocus from the looping one thought of the health deadly condition of the day) .

Like Green, I want to step out of my body and fly away. With this physical anxiety the one and only thing that helps is to go outside.  The sun ..or wind...or rain provides a counter balance sensation. Picture a lady in a wheelchair ' pacing ' ..lol...I just spend hours rolling along on the walking trail. I can not follow a conversation or my own train of thought. Making phone calls, paying the bills or even making a grocery list is impossible as I am unable to focus or organize my thoughts. I had this for a brief time during acute, but my anxiety in acute was different, more mental and hypochondria..not this primal physical agitation and d/r. Any body sensation such as head zaps, heart palps, weakness, nausea, tinnitus etc sends jolts of fear racing through me and causes near panic. These fits of anxiety. are new in month 7. They began with the antibiotic reaction and may still be part of that mess. I wake up every morning with a corrosion surge and shakes. ..it escalates from there..not like the 0-90 of s panic, but the steady escalation of worsening physical s/x that don't let up. They last anywhere from 2-4 hours and can repeat after a brief resolution. ..They are miserable...I hope that helps....

....Free, how long have you been having the ' jittery- want- to crawl- out - of - my - skin ' episodes I am noticing that for me the afternoon is becoming consistently better.

...This may not be PC on the forum, but I do use 12 mg of benedryl when this s/x is unbearable.

....Free...I hope this ends for you very soon ...it feels like spontaneous self combustion ...

It will get better...I had a good afternoon after a 4 hour morning episode. They also make me really really tired. ....Lets hope this one leaves and never comes back...wishing you some peace with this one.....coop

[[Fr...]]

Thanks Coop - I hope you're feeling better and getting free from all the nasty symptoms.  It's reassuring to hear that this one is easing up for you a bit.  I'm sure it will go away eventually.  You give me great hope that it will ease up soon.  I was having pretty decent days till this got worse.  Today it was really bad and tonight I'm wiped out from it.

 

Lisa 

[[He...]]

Hi Healing,

Congrats on finishing up your year! I'm a teacher too with three more work days ahead of me. I don't know how I did it. I'm kind of amazed and not looking forward to the lack of structure. I've got my own kids at home so I'll be with them and hopefully that will be the distraction I need. I hope were both feeling better by the fall. Any summer plans?

 

Peace2

 

I was going to say that if anyone asked me that they were thinking about quitting their job  during w/d I think I would strongly suggest not to. Structure is invaluable for distraction.

 

Anyway I am back to feeling good again. I think that I am healing big time as I did not go into a wave. I actually went out with a friend and that provided a great distraction. I must say that this has been the most trying time of my life but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

HealingHope, I was wondering at which time did you start feeling better? -- turning the preverbal corner? I think its important as there are many right behind us time wise. My corner turning was at 8 months I think.

 

life

 

Peace,

Do you get the beginning of summer blues?  For me, it is just the sudden change in routine that gets to me.  I have 2 teenagers at home and we are really busy right now with summer basketball league, so that is somewhat of a good transition time from working to summer.  I do better with structure....ESPECIALLY during this healing process.  I'm glad that I'm as far off as I am, because if it were earlier in my healing, I think this summer would be miserable.  I struggled almost every weekend and did much better during the weekday!  It'll be interesting how I'm feeling a week from now, if I'm adjusted to my new normal.  Good luck with your last 3 days of school!!

 

Life,

I completely agree about working during w/d!  I think that it truly made things easier....although I'm not sure "easier" is the right word.  There were times I thought for sure that I would drop dead of a heart attack or a stroke right in front of my class, or that I'd have to go running out of my class because I'd be in such a panic, but somehow I made it through.  Working through this taught me that I have more strength than I ever realized. 

 

Yeah, my big corner was about the 8th month mark.  That's when my insomnia started to get better, which was huge, and my other symptoms also began lessening.  I still get waves, but they are not as intense or as long as they were prior to 8 months.

[[li...]]

Coop,

 

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please hang in there as this is probably your big last big challenge before month 8th which has been a game changer for so many of us. I had a bad month 7 too. You are healing for sure!!!!

 

life

[[No...]]

Good Morning - it's about 1:30 AM my time - for me I am quite tired and can usually sleep for a while by 7 or 8 PM and that is what I have been doing. I accept what is there and just do it. Got 5 hours of actual rest tonight. Another sign of my improving gradually as the days roll by.

 

This has been a busy group today. I find it reassurring so many have posted. It helps me to "surface" and feel the connections that are always there. Thanks to everyone. I too know what a struggle it can often be to try to get something "coherent" down in a post.

 

"Get out of my skin" - I have had this for so long, it began during tolerarance withdrawal so many years ago. Utterly horrible times when it was going on intensely. Years and years of it. Now, like so many "symptoms" it has become one of the "merit badges" I have earned as evidence of this journey. It still shows up from time to time, but as I often say, not as loud, not as long lasting, and fades after a time.

 

"Structure" - I have been able to work all these years. I find it utterly unbelievable that I have. I am now in semi-retired mode, I do 4 hours per day from Noon to 4 PM. I have missed some time, but not often. I work from home for an on-line e-commerce company, verifying orders. Totally mindless, I can do it in my sleep after so many years doing it, and I sometimes realize I have. I work by choice, not out of necessity. It helps to eat up a few hours per day.

 

"Anxiety" - I recognize for me there are two types, as so many have described, mental and physical. For me, the physical has a "routine" and I do not seem to have so much difficulty with it anymore. It is like an annoying neighbour. The mental stuff has been my hardest challenge. It has always played a duet with my "hypochondria". And I feel the "hypochondria" is valid, is justified. Having spent so many years not be aware of what the drugs were doing to me, I was constantly trying to figure out "what is wrong with me". It is now a pattern that I will spend a lot of energy trying to dissolve. I have been very fortunate in that I have not had any actual health issues other than the drug. I cannot imagine how that would have played for me if I had ever been seriously ill.

 

"Stress" - in the moment, that flash of being almost completely "beside myself". Triggered by something or someone external. Took me a long time to actually witness this going on. Once I had an awareness of it, could watch it happening and developing, I can move through it quite easily now. And it always carries a large physical load. When I catch it, I can move away from it easily. But the internal response has already occured and the "rush" carries a deep feeling of exhaustion. Hard to describe, and I feel it is actually a "panic" respoonse with all its physical components. "Fight or flight". And I now know that I can quickly choose another response more appropriate to the actual event. Not always, but I am getting much better at it.

 

"Fear" - the mult-headed, never satisifed "demon". I really do not have much to say about it. For me, it is not "attached" to anything in paricular. It is just ever-present. I have often said "I was born afraid". There does not seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Confrontation, bringing it into the light, works temporarily and then it morphs into another manifestation. I have not been able to catch up with this one. Day to day, the only remedy seems to be acknowleging it and then ignoring it. Just writing about it brings it into the room. Yuk.

 

I believe all that I am learning and practicing during this journey will stand me in good stead when the journey is complete. I now know that I could have practiced until the cows came home, and I did, while taking the drugs and tapering, and it did almost no obvious good in those moments. I am only seeing the benefits gradually during the months of post-taper.

 

So, long winded again. Oh well. The ebb and flow of this proces will be with us for a while and then will move into our memories. Much already has.

 

Take care. Good Healing.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks - a "quieter" day so far. Just this sort of background floating anxiety, seems to be stuck in my neck for some reason. I opened a window, but it didn't float away. Oh well.

 

Have a good one.

[[Sk...]]

Hello everyone.

 

I woke up feeling angry and I really hate that.

 

Yesterday I felt lethargic all day but after reading your answers I started feeling better. I slept like a baby.

 

Let's see what today brings us.

 

How I envy the buddies that have been able to work, it must help not feel helpless.

 

Have a better day!

[[pe...]]

Hi Healing,

I had the bad weekends thing too. Lack of structure. I'm getting a little better at it. Last weekend I was really glad to be home and not at work. I'm usually excited to end a school year but this year is different. I'm leaving my school after 8 years there. The leadership is terrible so I've taken a job at a different school for next fall. That would all be hard no matter what, harder during withdrawal. I have to pack up my room and then attend some end of year meetings at the new school. I'm so hoping to feel better, at least not worse, in the fall. I'll be closer to the 8 month mark and I hear that's a good healing month. I'm cautiously optimistic because I've been doing ok. I know how quickly that rug can get pulled out from under us.

 

Enjoy basketball with your teens. My boys are 3 and 6. It's a different ball game! My husband is a teacher too so we're all together in the summer.

 

Hoping everyone is feeling a bit better. I'm thinking of you SkyHD, Jenny, Coop, Life, Lisa, Green and Nova.

 

Peace2

[[No...]]

Well, I jinxed it - said things were "quieter". Went of to get the groceries, on the way home went through the panic from hell. Haven't had one that loud in a long, long time. Two hours later, I have landed. Okay, I guess I can take the "panic" punches now without panicking. There's an oxymoron. I guess I am in a lot better shape that I thought I was.

 

To get through it I swore a lot, my self-talk was pretty gross at times. And I just let it go on and on and on. I actually think I got angry ... something I very seldom do. After the anger released I noticed the panic dropped several octaves. Now, this is not something I am recommending. It was just what showed up for me in the moment and I went with it.

 

Got a couple of more things to do this morning. Taking what is left over along with me. It can do its thing while I do mine.

 

Other than that it has been a fine morning. 

 

Have a good one.

[[No...]]

Hi SkyHD - I really lke your tag: "We get up in the morning, and we do are best".

 

Working can be a two-edge sword. Some find it very stressful. Others seem to tolerate it pretty well mostly. You are doing the best you can right now. As things move along working may become a positive choice for you. Something to look forward to.

 

Have a good day.

[[be...]]

Hi all,

I could not imagine working in this withdrawal, it's all I can do to keep my head above water.

I do miss working, I worked in a deli and loved it but it was tiring.

I also worked in a bakery for yrs., made some beautiful cakes.

I really don't know what I would like to do now.

All I can think about now is healing.

 

I wish you all a peaceful and healing weekend.

[[je...]]

Hi everyone,

 

Im in some sort of weird wave--mentally I feel fine but not physically. I have this weird feeling in my head its hard to describe feels like vibrations almost ,but not quite. Nerve pain in my hands and feet are very bad today-painful! Also, my benzo belly is big and painful. Its just so crazy how physically I was feeling really good and then BAM--this stuff just seems to go in cycles. I pray you are all doing well~Jenny

[[Ha...]]

Hi Jen in starting month seven w you! I been ok able to drive intraffic and doing good but I'm sure tired! I still have the internal shaking and vibrations too all the yome! Also have really tender breasts! I know tmi! But while on benzos I never had this issue! Fir the love!

[[Fr...]]

Hi Everyone,

 

I guess it's a wavy day for a lot of us.  I felt a wave coming on yesterday with all that internal anxiety stuff and sure enough, last night and today have been quite unpleasant - nervy pain in ankles, aching neck, tinnitus and head pressure.  I forced myself to go out and walk through Target and Kohls, felt yucky and ok off and on - like a weird wave, rolling in and rolling out.  The head stuff now, tinnitus and head pressure are getting to me and it's been going on, ebbing and flowing all week, just not this badly.

 

Feel better everyone.  I say prayer for us all, nearly every night.

 

Lisa