6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Hey Life - don't be startled by the "clump ... clank" "clump ... clank" "clump ... clank" noise behind you. That's just this old fart and his rubber crutch clumping and clanking ... bringing up the rear.

 

[[am...]]

Great analogy Life !  We ARE all exiting the benzo cave from Hell !!

[[Fr...]]

Life - the cave analogy is a good one - and yes, we are all about to come out of it!  I can feel it at times.  And like NovaS, I too feel aged from this process.  I believe a great part of the fatigue is from poor sleep due to our CNS's being on edge.  As our systems calm down gradually over time, our sleep should become better and we'll all feel so much better.

 

Lisa 

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova....nice to see you this morning..  you are not even half as old as this process makes you feel. ...I am at the back and around the corner with you..  we are still closer to the exit than we are to the entrance... we are all getting out of this dark place....hope you are having a better day Nova.  You are such a great presence on this thread.... coop

[[be...]]

hey guys and gals,

 

Feedback from my visit with the addiction specialist. It turns out that he is a published authority on the issue of addiction and one of the the most esteemed in the US. ( I shoudl know his name but I have his card in the car ) Where do I start? Well, on a personal note, f I feel a  calmness upon me today so hopefully I can endure the stress that I have been through yesterday without a wave. That shows healing in the 8th month and I will show you why that is important. I have some very good news for all of us. I liked the fact that he is not as specific a "Ashton Manual" guru but rather has his own knowledge with over 20 years of working with addictions. Here are the questions I wanted to get to the bottom of:

 

 

Why are benzos so hard to overcome? His answer: Because of the s/a including intolerable anxiety are worst than any other drug class including heroin, opiates, speed etc. and last so long ( with the exception of Cocaine, which he say is also very hard).

 

Is this me or is this the benzo dude? His answer: For sure no one can answer if your symptoms that you are experiencing are w/d or some other type of underling issue, BUT I will tell you that the symptoms you are experiencing are in of w/d of benzo and if you did not have them before benzos then reason would suggest its w/d.

 

How long before we can heal? His answer:  W/d  may go  as much as one year with the majority of cases resolved within one and one half years.  Most cases see the begining of resolution my the 8th month? ( no shit!!!!)

 

How do you know you are healed? His answer: There is no answer to this. One day you just wake up and you are healed. You can have a really bad week and then the week after you wake up and no more symptoms for the rest of your life. Completely random and non linear.

 

 

Can it last more than 1 year? His answer: Yes , but it is more rare. The resolution of all problems will be by year 1 1/2.

 

Which drug do you recommend for as needed for stress or stressful situations? His answer: Beta blockers.

 

 

This visit was the best $20.00 co pay that I have ever paid. He really gave me hope and to know that others not associated with Ashton were concluding the same. This really made me feel relieved. After all Ashton as great as it is is only one person's opinion albeit well documented. Now a 20 year veteran with no affiliation to Ashton that has degrees all over his office for only addiction specialty is also stating that we will heal with 1 year to 1 and 1/2 max! Good news all! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Life

 

Thank you for sharing, I always say " sharing is caring".

I'm recovering from a  two day wave that felt like acute all over. These waves can get you down very quickly.

Nervevpain, muscle pain, benzodiazepine lies, and last but not least, insomnia.

I was hoping to enter month 11 on some kind of a baseline...just not there yet.

I am getting very tired of being kind to myself and my soul is restless.

 

You are all doing a wonderful job!! Much healing to all and keep up the fight.

Better days ahead!!!!

[[Co...]]

Wishing everyone a good morning!.  Things are looking better in my neighborhood. No thunderstorms to keep me up all night. The antibiotic reaction seems to be backing down after 6 days. Although I must say I am taking more meds for it than I want.....12 mg of atenolol....25 mg of benedryl and Calms Forte ( botanical homeopathic) .  I know its temporary but would like to see the bendryl go...but it is not helpful to get all OCD about other medications.

....Sundowner and Chinookwind both posted exact same experience on the P/W. Board so that made me feel more assured that the set back is temporary....one step forward...10 back..lol

.....Off to take the dog out....love to all....coop

[[Fr...]]

Hi Beulah,

 

I'm sorry you had another wave and were experiencing such discomfort.  I hope you're up and about and feeling so much better now.

 

Coop - so happy you've turned the corner and are coming out of the bad antibiotic reaction.

 

Lisa

[[Co...]]

Buelah....a two day wave can feel like 2 weeks..and the benzo lies are relentless...so glad for you that it is easing up....11 months is such a long time to keep at this. You are closing in on the end. Life posted comments straight from his in person addiction specialist...who said....12-14 months is typical for healing and 18 months almost always resolves s/x. Everyday I wonder if I will get to 11 months like you. . I hope your day is full of sunbreaks.  coop.....

[[li...]]

Hey guys and gals, its a wonderful day here in florida!  I am going to our lake house in North Carolina for the sumer and instead of feeling good about it I am a bit concerned as ther really is not much to do up there but chill. I will have to find new distractions I guess.  I have been a doer all my life and I am having depressing thoughts. I think due to the fact that I am not really that productive in life right now. How can I do anything really comital though? When I am in windows I am all for doing things and going working etc but when I am in a window -- not so much.

 

I am much better though and I feel that the light at the end of the cave is viasbale. I do wonder of the depression I am experencing due to my lack of prodictive living -- is permanent or not? That is the real problem with this benzo cave -- I feel like it wants you to think that what you are experiencing is all permanent -- and its not.

 

Just wondering is there anyone here that is feeling blue to the point where they may feel mildly or majorly depressed during this whole process? Before I had anxiety and now I am feeling depressed fro time to tie. I wonder if it is due to the length of the w/d? I am still going out and doing things and will continue. I know we are all healing!

 

life

 

life

[[Co...]]

Life, I have big bouts of this too...feeling like I am just taking up space on the planet. Then I began to think of healing as my full time job...which it has been. On good days I push myself a little...on bad days my job is to get through without reinstating or giving up.

...Your family needs you healed...you need you healed...commit to that ...for now. I went through the same thing...I wanted to commit to volunteering in my grandson 's classrooms...to be the person I always was....but I wasn't the person I always was...I was healing but not well. Everytime I committed to a day in the classroom it turned into a disaster for me and set me back...I had to accept the fact that it was going to take more time.  Now I only commit to open ended short activities...or sometimes none at all. Go easy with your days a little longer.

....Life, you are tremendously helpful to those of us on this thread...and others on the forum. You are contributing huge by committing to your healing...your family is going to get you back...nothing more important than that....you are young...you are going to have an entire lifetime to commit your days to whatever you choose

......enjoy your vacation time...patter around with chores and store trips etc..play with your kids and please...keep posting to us...we need your inspiration.....coop

[[No...]]

Coop - good words for all of us.

 

Life - patience, my friend. Be fully where you are, right now. And a little "curiosity", going to your house in NC can be experienced as a "chore" or as an "opportunity".

 

Good Healing.

[[No...]]

Hi Folks -

 

Quite benzo-sick today. Trying to keep my mind as slow as I can so I do not add anything else to what is going on. Lots of breathing, lots of pacing. Trying to stay with my still centre while the heavy winds blow. Had one of these ramp up a couple of months ago and did not initially handle it very well. At least this old guy can still learn some new tricks.

 

Well, I now know I got through much louder stuff than this, much harder stuff than this during the past 25 years. As another Buddy said "it's all down hill after withdrawal". Okay, fine, but where the hell is the brake on this sled? Well, I guess it doesn't have a break, it just has to run out of steam eventually.

 

Chop wood, carry water.

 

Good Healing.

[[Co...]]

Nova, I will be thinking of you today....so sorry you are still low today. Give yourself tons of comfort...I noticed the Thomas Merton quote in your signature line....he is one of my favorites too...love.Contemplative Prayer.....Is the weather good in your neighborhood? Sit in the sun ..let it soothe you. ..Nova, you will have good days again soon....until then know that we are all supporting you...care and comfort to you my friend....coop

[[pe...]]

Nova- your words are a comfort to me. Isn't that amazing? You are a comfort to others even when the winds are howling around you. I hope you can stay in the center until the winds calm down. I will be thinking of you and sending peaceful thoughts your way.

 

Peace

[[je...]]

Nova, so sorry you are having a rough day. I haven't been feeling well myself. Take care, jenny

[[Gr...]]

Hey guys and gals, its a wonderful day here in florida!  I am going to our lake house in North Carolina for the sumer and instead of feeling good about it I am a bit concerned as ther really is not much to do up there but chill. I will have to find new distractions I guess.  I have been a doer all my life and I am having depressing thoughts. I think due to the fact that I am not really that productive in life right now. How can I do anything really comital though? When I am in windows I am all for doing things and going working etc but when I am in a window -- not so much.

 

I am much better though and I feel that the light at the end of the cave is viasbale. I do wonder of the depression I am experencing due to my lack of prodictive living -- is permanent or not? That is the real problem with this benzo cave -- I feel like it wants you to think that what you are experiencing is all permanent -- and its not.

 

Just wondering is there anyone here that is feeling blue to the point where they may feel mildly or majorly depressed during this whole process? Before I had anxiety and now I am feeling depressed fro time to tie. I wonder if it is due to the length of the w/d? I am still going out and doing things and will continue. I know we are all healing!

 

life

 

life

 

Life, I think depression follows periods of high anxiety.  Remember manic depressives before they started calling it bipolar?  I know I'm almost apathetic right now, just exhausted after a terrible anxiety based wave.  My mind and body are just plain worn out.  Maybe that's what you're feeling, just tired from the up and down of windows and waves?  I know we need windows to give us strength to ride the waves, but coming down from a high anxiety waves has to leave us exhausted, sometimes crashing, and that might feel like depression or apathy.  Remember your analogy of the pendulum?  I think that's still going on, only milder than what you had in the past.  Bring all of your distraction toys with you to the lake! Don't forget to stay in touch!

[[Sk...]]

Hello everybody.

 

I'm so scared today. I just woke up scared just as other days I have woken up angry.

 

My hearts is acting up, palps and all. Is it acting up because I'm scared or am I scared because my heart is acting up?

 

That's a hell of  a question, right?

 

If I could fight my fear the most would be done, wouldn't it?

 

My confusion is rampant. I have written messages to buddies, put my heart out there and then somehow I have been  erasing everything in the belief I was sending it !I can't begin to explain how heartbreaking it is.

I hoped the days of total madness  were over, over, over.

 

I am sure just as the sun is shining that I am going to get well. Life will be amazing and this will all have had meaning. But the other 50% of my chicky brain is getting used to being muddled and is giving muddled thinking for granted.

 

The silly brain is chiding the happy brain for being delusional. The silly part of the brain thinks the happy brain is nuts!!!

 

Now, I just wish I could turn off these voices in my head off . Can you imagine what a doctor would do on hearing these things I say here?

 

Ok, that's enough ranting and raving for a week!!!

 

Ideas for taking on the fear?

 

Thanks for being with me on the way to recovery.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Folks -

 

Quite benzo-sick today. Trying to keep my mind as slow as I can so I do not add anything else to what is going on. Lots of breathing, lots of pacing. Trying to stay with my still centre while the heavy winds blow. Had one of these ramp up a couple of months ago and did not initially handle it very well. At least this old guy can still learn some new tricks.

 

Well, I now know I got through much louder stuff than this, much harder stuff than this during the past 25 years. As another Buddy said "it's all down hill after withdrawal". Okay, fine, but where the hell is the brake on this sled? Well, I guess it doesn't have a break, it just has to run out of steam eventually.

 

Chop wood, carry water.

 

Good Healing.

 

Hey, Nova, hang in there.  You know these things never last forever.  It just feels that way.  Haven't properly introduced myself.  GreenIce.  Been in a God-awful wave.  Coming out of it now.  But I've been trolling this thread and you've been a great inspiration to me.  Remember we're all here.

[[li...]]

coop, green, ski, jenny, peace nova, ama and all,

 

I think we are all entering an area where we will be witnessing the making of success stories in the 6 to 12 months. Yes, I was depressed earlier this week and now I am the calmest I have been in several years. If this was not w/d I would be saying what the XXXX?!!!! Things are looking real good the past two days for me and I can tell you that this whole process has got to be the worst due to the ups and downs. I keep remembering what my doctor said to me " One week you are feeling horrible and the next day you get a window and it just stays open forever."  I am praying for that window for all of us. I can actually visualize the end of that dark cave right now withthe light shining bright through the exit. I actually had a mental visualization in the shower this morning where I actually visualized myself exiting the cave and seeing the bright sky. It was a great start of the day. I am thinking that I am getting real close to the end of the saga BUT I am also prepared to duke it out if I have to. I remeber one time I was thinking that recovery and healing is like a sputtering car -- you get billows of smoke gushing out of the muffler as your brain backfires and then the car turns only to get stuck in a wave and stall and then the car turns again until finally the car just starts and stays on in an unbelievable window. What a great healing!!!! We are all healing! :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: (one thumbs up for each one)

 

life

[[li...]]

sky,

 

I find that if I sit in a quite corer and just close my eyes and feel the fear and just sit with it and not run from it but rather encourage it to come on -- that this technique really helps me dissolve all my fears. It may be painful at first but it then just dissolves the fear. So you just think with your eyes closed how it feels like and visualize where it is in your body that you feel the pain of fear and go into your fear and say out loud what your are thinking in your head about and say the fears out loud like you don't care about the fear (its only anxiety,it will not hurt you)-- it really works. After feeling the fear for 5 or ten minutes and saying them out loud something strange happens -- they loose there significance and the fear dissolves. I can not explain with a post all the techniques but I hope this helps. I would suggest to everyone that to some good CBT. Remember feel the fear and take it in and it will dissolve.

 

life

[[Gr...]]

Life, you truly are our scout.  you're way out front, ahead of the group, and yelling back about the terrain and what to watch out for.  Thank you.

 

Everybody, I'm here, I'm trolling the thread, reading what you all have to say, and checking on how you're feeling.  I'm coming off a really bad wave and I'm very disconnected from people, everyone, and I'm having trouble communicating, which is so not me.  It doesn't feel bad, it feels protective.  so please don't forget about me!  I'm just having some quiet time.

[[je...]]

Life~ Thank you for your words of wisdom, I hope we start to see some success stories from this thread!! So very happy you are feeling better Green~ I have felt this way many times, like I just can't communicate how Iam feeling. It goes back to that apathetic feeling, like I just cant care about anything. We would never forget about you, you have been such a positive support to me and Im sure many others. Keep riding the wave, it will end--they always do. Take care, Jenny

[[be...]]

Hi all, just popping in to give everyone a (((((((((( Big Hug )))))))))).

Stay strong and know that everyday we are healing, even though we can't feel the healing it's still happening, it's so sloooooooooooooooooow.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

[[je...]]

Thank you Beulah 

[[He...]]

Hi everyone!  Well, if healing happens in the waves, then I've got some serious mending going on today...up and down, up and down.  I started my period this morning, and that consistently still hits me fairly hard.  I also started summer vacation today, which sounds like a great thing (and it is), but the change is always rather difficult for me. The first few days of summer always make me feel lonely and down.  This morning was tough with my anxiety up, then I started feeling better and thought it would be like all the other days when I keep improving as the day goes on, but then I got hit with another wave.  Back to the fear, the anxiety, the benzo flu, jumping out of my skin yet exhausted and wanting to sleep.  Seriously??  I am sick of feeling sick and sick of the fear! 

 

Sorry for the negative post.    Praying that tomorrow is a better day for us all!  At the least it will be one day closer to being healed...