6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

Life - that is great news! I always love hearing what benzo wise docs think and it sounds quite hopeful.

 

I'm so tired. I was having a mini window and got overly excited about it. I whipped up some anxiety and head pressure. Oh, fiddlesticks!

 

I'm so emotional and I'm changing schools. I took a new teaching job at a new school for next fall to get away from my current principal and her reign of incompetence. I think it will be the best thing in the long run but change us hard and packing up my classroom seems insurmountable. Oof and ugh.

 

Peace

[[je...]]

Peace- that would be stressful and overwhelming for anyone let alone going through w/d. Just try and think how good it will be in the long run. Baby steps....

[[Co...]]

Life!.....Wonderful information!..  It was such. relief to read your post. So generous of you to share. I would love any link to his publications...Is he anywhere close to Seattle?.. 

.......Your post comes at a particularly good time for me. I have this crazy new pattern of s/x. My mornings are exactly like acute.. by afternoon I feel almost normal. ...My health fears are completely off the charts...in the moernings I have had....an adrenal tumor, a brain tumor, kidney failure, heart failure/ attack and death from high b/p.....By afternoon I am somewhat rational ..I am stepping into Mobius the 7 tomorrow....to hear through you by a grounded addiction specialist that all of this mess can go on for at least a year was like manna from heaven for me.

........Your post has given me the patience and grit to keep it going. It has helped me extend my vision. for healing out a little further. To give it the time it needs.  this has been so calming to me...thank you so much for your share.

....BTW....I went back on my beta blocker last week after my b/p went sky high from the antibiotic reaction....I will be on it daily until my b/p stabilizes. .I will say that the beta blocker does help with stopping anxiety from zooming into panic. 

..........thanks again. Life.... .so happy for you that you have found this wonderful support.. please keep sharing as much second hand information as you are comfortable with....as I enter the 7 the month I am hanging on to every word....You are so getting there Life.....coop

[[Co...]]

Peace....wow that is a big change. It is good that you have the summer to make the transition Do you have help to move your classroom? ....In the long run you have done the right thing....a stressful work place is constant 24/7 stress....you will have a better year next year...new beginnings are liberating and exciting..  and you will have 10 more weeks of healing under your belt.....How are you doing.......sending you wishes for more healing today.....coop

[[li...]]

Coop,

 

I was wondering, you seem to have such a hard time right now. Is it only with the antibiotic you took or prior? If the stress was like this have you ever tried an  mood stabilizer as needed ( he recommended it to me today)? They take the edge off. For instance a low dose of Serequel or something like that? It could make life a bit easier until you heal in a few months. And you will sleep for sure! Just wondering.

 

life

 

 

 

 

[[li...]]

coop this is his name:

 

Michael Strolla

Assistant Medical Director at HealthCare Connection of Tampa

Tampa, Florida (Tampa/St. Petersburg, Florida Area) Hospital & Health Care

[[pe...]]

Coop- I'm sorry you're yoyoing around right now. A similar thing happened to me today where I started feeling kind of normal. I got super excited and worked myself into a tizzy and now I feel like crap. I know this is better than I've been before, but it's still quite awful and so I distract and distract and distract.

 

I'm glad you're having some good moments in your days. Is tomorrow 7 months for you already? Congratulations! It's gonna get better. Life says month 8 is a turning point for many. You're so close!

 

Thanks, Dear Jenny for your support. Just about everything feels hard right now. I don't want to meditate today. But I'm going to go give it a whirl.

 

Peace

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Life..  well, your addiction specialist could not be further away from.Seattle...lol.

....Thanks for his contact information...I will try to Google any of his writings, he sounds very knowledgeable. 

....To answer your question.....I have never...ever experienced the raw chemical primal anxiety that w/d has assaulted me with. I had a bilateral mastectomy.3 years ago for breast cancer...it was 100x easier than this. ...

.............I probably wouldn't try another psych. medication. just. because I never ..ever want to withdraw from another medication. I think all the whoorahrah from the antibiotic reaction and prednizone has completely rattled me. I was already beating back unrealistic health fear. Also the 2,5 Valium has probably kindled my acute s/x ( I still don't really understand kindling).

.....I have also had about 5 medication bad reactions over my life so trying anything scares me. I will say that the low dose beta blocker is preventing my wild anxiety from zooming into panic. I feel like I am beginning to recover from all the intensity of last week...so I am probably set back somewhat.

...When I look back to last summer I can see that some things are improved. I am not in bed all day, I can handle my w/d better, I have good energy in a window, my strategies are better and I am more patient with the process. Lately I have not been suffering as much from the dire dark intrusive thoughts....really really glad to see that one take a break. My health fears are intense but more concrete in the here and now ( though still unrealistic). .

...I believe your addiction specialist when he says benzo w/d is so difficult because of intense unbearable anxiety and lasts so long

...You are so lucky to have this doctor....everything you posted was such a help...true to my current pattern, this afternoon has been a little better....even a 2 hour window in which I felt 75% ...I am hoping the 8 month rule of thumb of your doctor holds up.

......Did you side step your 'stress ' depression?....I hope so.....coop

[[Co...]]

Hi Peace....so glad you had some sunbreaks today. I am noticing more sunbreaks now too. .....I am sorry it dissolved into feeling crappy again. I think that has marked my sixth month more than anything....the many abrupt ups and downs within one day.

....Yes tomorrow begins month 7 for me....half way to the typical heal time.  It has to be better than the last 6 months....at least it is summer...more happy distractions in the summer. I really want to go back to volunteering in my grandsons ' classrooms in the fall...so hoping to be well enough by then...in the mean time I plan on practicing getting out in the world at least every other day...beginning with a yoga class next Monday...couldn't be easier on my 'heart attack ' irrational fear...it is being held in the pt section of a hospital.  ..lol....no excuses.

.....wishing you a restful night and a sunny window tomorrow....coop

[[No...]]

Hi Folks - Awake at 1 AM again, my time. Been experiencing a lot of "gusty winds" the last few days. Much, much, much better than the constant "storms" of the past. They blow for a while and then slow down and then blow again. I am doing the best I can of late to hold my balance in these winds. Doing okay, very well in fact, so much improvement over the earlier months, and for me it takes a lot of energy and "attention". I am very inner-focused right now.

 

I am reading the posts and holding your stories as best I can.

 

When you see the trees moving in the wind, one of them is me. Just swaying with the winds of healing right now. For me, very challenging work. I am very grounded and feel well rooted.

 

Take care, folks. Good Healing.

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Nova...." swaying with the winds of healing '....that describes it perfectly... me too. I thoughtvthe information from Life 's addiction doctor was so grounding. Nearly everyone is healed at 18 months, many by the first year and good resolution of many s/x by 8 .months. ...Sounds like solid mile markers to me...if one can find mile markers in this maze of non-linear healing.

.......wishing you gentle breezes....coop

[[Co...]]

Well,  month 7 is coming in on a shaky note....the morning anxiety,  elevated b/p ( 150/ 80) , shakes and moderate palps have returned to try to scare me out of sticking with my w/d. The bets blocker helps with all of it, but when I take the second half in the late aftarnoon I get that fainty feeling so may have to take it all in the morning.

......Using my relaxation breathing and not giving in to this, but it does make my mornings miserable right now. I had 2 very good nights of sleep last week ...last night we had huge thunderstorms that woke me up just as I was falling asleep ...that was that...did sleep for 3 hours.  Hope this is not my life for month 7. Every single lab test came back ok.....xo I am hunkering down to ride this out. My heart anxiety is loud right now so go the tub for a lavender soak and deep breathing....

.......wishing everyone many many signs of healing today. .. coop

[[Sk...]]

 

 

Swaying to Tuesday.

 

I tried meditating, I don't know if there is a good moment to do it but I sure didn't pick it! My palps were "loud" and bad . So I got the impression I was making things worse! Must try again and be more careful.

 

 

I ran, very slowly, for about 10 minutes yesterday. I was amazed my legs didn't give in. It was amazing! I felt amazing! At night I couldn't sleep though and when I did, I had one nightmare after the other. Mr Sky kept having to wake me up as I repeatedly shrieked.

 

I really loved those ten minutes of running. I am certain the nightmares and insomnia came on from the running though. Endorphins or something.

 

I will do it again this afternoon and see. Trial and error, that's what benzo withdrawal is all about.

 

What are your thoughts on this?

[[pa...]]

SKYHD, every time I've run on the treadmill I have had insomnia for a day or two.  I don't think our bodies know the difference between physical and emotional stress.  The only exercise I can tolerate is long walks. 

[[Co...]]

I apologize for monopolizing the tread ....but....Have any of you experienced more than a week straight of raw physical anxiety/ fear ( shakes...palps....elevated b/p....fear fear fear) . And...could someone's explain kindling to me....I am wondering if the 2,5 of Valium given 6 days ago could be causing acute phase s/x ( is that what kindling is?)

.....sorry buddies I know this is getting repetitive.  In agony here....thanks so much....coop

[[pe...]]

Nova- I love the idea of a swaying tree. I was listening to a meditation that talked about willow trees and how good they are at being in the wind. I hope your sleep improves.

 

Paperboat and Sky- I think both meditation and aerobic exercise take time for our bodies to adjust to. I think both are also cumulative. I've been running a few times a week for a year and a half. I crave it now and believe it helps keep anxiety down, mood up and helps me sleep too. When I started, I walked a lot and ran a little, gradually switching over to more running and always ending my exercise with walking.

 

Meditation in the morning works well for me. Sky, I think you can use your discomfort as part of your meditation. Jon kabbit zin has a meditation where you focus on opening up to the unpleasant sensations.

Here's a link:

 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4jmG3UFZGNU&safe=active

 

Hi to Jenny, Life, Greenice, Laura and everyone else.

 

Peace

 

[[li...]]

Coop and all,

 

If you did not have stress like this when you heel you will not have stress like this. I guess the worts symptom to me is the question "Is it me or is it my withdrawal?" I can say after my doctors visit that I can not say with 100% certainty BUT I do know that he said that benzo withdrawal mimics General Anxiety Disorder. So whether its me or w/d does not matter anymore as I have to wait this w/d out and see where I stand at 1 year. Today I am having a good window with a calm mind -- a mind not constantly analyzing what my symptoms are all about. That's what I keep doing. Coop if you did not have symptoms like this before you will find your balance.

 

One thing that I know now is that I am somewhat depressed. I took this test and it said so. It asked questions like " Do you have the same enthusiasm for things you had in the past?"Of course noT!!!!  But how could we with all these symptoms. I am convinced that there is no other drug harder to get off of than benzos. Who on earth without a support system here can deal with all these symptoms?I find that I enjoy going out and distracting myself as much as possible. Its like I cant sit down or else I start thinking of symptoms.

 

The questions that I would like to ask of everyone here is -- "Would you do it all over again the w/d if you had another chance?" The answer for me is a resounding yes!!! This has been hell for me and I think the thought of being stuck in the benzo trap is not a choice. My doctor said that you have to look at benzos like this -- "They are trying to kill you. If you take them to sooth your w/d that is what they ( the benzos) are trying to get you to do. But your brain screems out for the drugs (benzoS) but the benzo beast just wants to trick you and kill you". It sounded so harsh tHE way he put It but it is true. Look I have no regrets -- benzos helped me for many years in business but after 32 years I had to pay the price of getting off. This is a price I never imagined though! We are all healing!!!!!!

 

life

[[li...]]

Coop,

 

yes it will be over very soon and you will return to normal very soon. This is the tail end of the benzos. I think with valium it is out of your system in like 10 days completely. You are past the half life. You are way on your way to having get out of your system. You might be experiencing some w/d from it BUT it is temporary. I know how hard it is to not think about the s/a but we tend to hurt ourselves by making up more systems than we have. Its hard enough with the symptoms but we tend to make it harder with acute symptoms. The symptos would go away real soon -- I promise!!!!!

 

Life

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

Yesterday was a bad day, I guess all the stress from the weekend caught up with me. I had another party to go to on Sunday and once again I was in panic mode. I woke up yesterday crying and depressed, I then spent almost all day in bed-- something I have not done in months. My csn is just so sensitive to stress and I can feel that it can't handle the panic feelings. Today I feel mentally fine, but iam physically worn out, I slept for 10 hrs last night and I still feel exhausted. I look awful. Thank God for my kids who kept coming in my room to check on me and tell me they love me and give me tons of hugs. I think they remember all the months I was in bed, and yesterday scared them again as they haven't seen me like that in a long time. I'm determined to get up today and exercise, meditate, and get caught up today on household chores.Coop- I don't think you are kindling. From what I understand each time you stop taking the benzo makes each withdraw harder. You only took a rescue dose, so I think your good. If you would have taken it for an extended period then yes you would probably be kindling. Take care everyone, jenny

[[Co...]]

Life....yes I would w/d all over again if I had to. I had unrecognized side effects from the beginning of being o. the drug. I love that you are sharing your doctor 's comments. I believe him when he says the benzos are trying to kill us. ...Life...this whole mess of w/x IS depressing, I am not surprised that you scored some depression on the depression scale. You are doing so great and encouraging all of us on the thread with your posts. ...I believe your s/  x barometer ...if you didn't have it before benzos you will not have it after benzos....

....Jenny....sorry you are having s step back....your children sound adorable...I can not imagine. caringd for young children in the midst of a wavy day....I am thinking of you today.. coop

[[Sk...]]

Coop, so sorry to hear you are in such agony. But please quit worrying about the rescue dose.

 

I took some in my first month, it gave me relief but I simply wouldn't count it in the overall picture if it was only once. I too worried that it would be setting me back . We are in pain and we need to explain the absurd.

 

Earlier someone was talking about regrets over wd and depression.

 

I don't regret a thing. I was "less dumb" before wd, I could move around without a bodyguard, but the list of things I couldn't do, is  truly scary.

 

I don't think I'm depressed now.

 

After all, I am fighting a real BEAST. But when I'm not in total anguish, I feel I'm appreciating things for the first time  in years. I feel curious about everything, I have my interests and passions back after way too long.

 

Before, I was a zombie.  Now I'm a brave little soldier.

 

I will check out the video , thanks so much Peace2!!

 

Have a good evening, today has been less bad than usual for me.

 

I wish the same to everybody starting from Coop.

 

 

 

[[li...]]

I feel like we are in a benzo cave and I have a few of you just behind me in terms of time spent in the cave and I am shining a light with the headlight on my head. You all don't realize it but there is a turn in the cave and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Some may not be able to see this as I do as they need to turned the corner to see the exit. It is just right around the corner guys and girls. In the dark just feel the walls and keep moving forward as we all going to get out of the dark cave. The sun rises every day, the wind blows as always, trees are still, flowers are blooming and life is as beautiful as ever -- As beautiful as it was when we all decided to enter this dark and scary benzo cave. To go back is not an option because it is darker behind us and  at 6- 12 months we are already closer to the exit than we are to the entrance. We made this choice and we are a strong group to even consider conquering this benzo cave. Step by step, moment by moment we are getting closer to the exit. Its dark at time and it always scary but the light at the end of the cave is just around the corner. I know we are all going make it!!!

 

life

[[pe...]]

Life! That was beautiful! You couldn't have said it better. I'm tearing up and will hold on to that image. I'm so glad to have you to follow through this dark cave. I've got spare batteries if the headlamp dims.

Peace

[[Co...]]

Life...you are such a gift.....thank you for being on this thread....I love your image of the cave and being closer to the exit than the entrance. ...We are all following....keep your headlights ( and heart light) shining..  coop

[[No...]]

Thank you, Life.

 

All these many "journey" images are very helpful to me. Today I feel this immense suffering being borne by so many folks. And I feel the immense encouragment being shared by these same folks. A great mystery for me. When one feels weighed down, another takes some of the burden for a little while.

 

Strength and weakness, back and forth. Staying the course.

 

Today I feel as an exhausted old man. And sometime soon, this feeling will change back again to where I feel the other side, the lightness of being that I know is inside me.