6-12 month thread....

[[No...]]

Hi Folks -

 

Regarding meditation, this is where I began and this is the place I return to most often. Yes, there are "add-ons" to the practice, however I consider this place my "home".

 

Only a few things: find a posture that is comfortable for you for a little while. Any posture, anywhere. Bring your "curiosity". Once curiosity is present, attention will follow. And lastly, if you can, feel your "dignity". Feel your being right here, right now, in whatever posture you have chosen.

 

The rest is downhill.

 

Now, (if you can breathe through your nose, if not then through your mouth) gently touch your nose, or your lip. This is where you will sense your breathing. Then, just breathe. Breathe however you are breathing in this moment. Don't try to change it. Just notice it. Bring your curiosity to this. Not how am I breathing, rather this is what breathing feels like. And just breathe.

 

In, out, in, out. Ride the breath.

 

Thoughts will show up. Notice them. Then bring your curiosity back to your breathing. If you choose, if you need a little help to come back from a thought, gently touch your nose or lip again. And breathe. Breathe for however long you have chosen to be in this place. If you find yourself slumping a little, summon your dignity and regain your posture, gently.

 

A couple of caveats: there is no good meditation, no bad meditation. There is no good experience, no bad experience. What you "feel" before, during and after is just what you feel. Do not judge the experience. No labels here. This is a gift you are giving yourself for a little while. Try not to look for "results". Breathing is a gift, enjoy it.

 

Good Breathing.

[[No...]]

Korbe - you have come so far, and your are feeling dreadful. I too find the overnight stuff very hard to endure. I can only offer my encouragement to you to keep going on. You already know that this time of feeling as you do will change. Another window will come, and then another, and another. You are doing the best you can. Be as kind to yourself as you are able. I hope you find a little respite wherever you can. We are here, we are listening, we are holding each other's journeys in our hearts.

 

[[Co...]]

Green.....you are never alone....we are all here for you....so glad you are getting some reassurance and calm from the buddies....This is an especially good group on this thread. I agree ...more medication muddies the waters.. I don't mind being on a low dose beta blocker for awhile. I am really trying to work with my crazy mind....every time I feel the pulsing in my head I have convinced myself it is my b/p jumping up....I run to take a reading and sure enough it is jumping up....but most likely from my thoughts about the head pressure....working on it. Distracting myself like crazy...can't sit or concentrate though so my house is sparkling in every corner...thinking about asking my neighbor if I can clean her house too...should take about an hour.....

.......I am sure that each month brings it's own acute period....Tues is my 7 month mile marker...hoping for better.....thanks for the b/p link....

.........Great to see you Green.....have a very good Sunday.....coop

[[je...]]

Korbe~ sorry you are having such a rough time, keep posting we are all here for you. Coop~ Glad you are joining us with meditation, sounds like you are still having the anxiety I can seriously relate-its horrible. I hope the meditation helps us. Nova~ Thank you again for all your help and wisdom. Green~ good to hear from you, you haven't been around in a few days I hope your doing well. Lets all keep fighting we are very close to 1 year... Jenny

[[Co...]]

Peace...thanks for the yummy crumbs...finding my way....still a ways behind,  but trudging along....Yes I drink ginger...I like the crystallized,  I put it in the bottom of the cup and pour lemon balm or chamomille and a touch of honey over it....

.....I am in the same place with concentration....I have none. Also trying to 'sit '...I used to be a practicing Buddhist in my former life...also a practicing Catholic...saying the Rosary on the beads is very meditative...anyway in this mess I have lost some ground with mind practices..really simply lost my mind is more like it. Thich Nhat Hahn has written some great stuff on presence. I really love his ' Living Buddha Living Christ '....well blah blah blah.

....Nova....thanks for the tips on breathing and sitting.. I try meditating while soaking in the lavender hot soak...don't know about the. " dignity " of that, but it is conducive to just being with the breath. I also read Cull Catrastophe Li jinga many years ago...it is so great,  I am having difficulty with concentration right now or I would go to my storage and find it. I am with Peace...picture books and large single boldened captions....

....Korbe....hang on buddy....we are in the same month....I am holding out high hopes for month 7....we are all here for you...if 14 months is the typical healing time.....we are a good half way....we will get there....think of how good next summer is going to be for all of us...

....Life....you are such a wonderful coach....you actually should be a life coach...you have a gift. I love reading the I formation you bring from your psychology digs. They really help me find perspective on what is real and the pathway of anxiaty. I am now timing my anxiety and mini panics as it feels like I spend my entire day. in full blown anxiety. Actually my anxiety can last anywhere from 1-3 hours and the mini panics last about 10- 20 minutes. I am in a revolving pattern ...experiencing several turns on the merry go round of both....but there are moments of peace in between.  then moments of terror....which come back to moments of peace. Distraction is the best I can do today. ....I am pushing against it..with curiosity as Nova would say...and that really does help.

 

...........6- 12 Month Buddies....you are wonderful....we are all giving it all we have....and we are getting there...one single day at a time....wishing you all sunbreaks and full on windows today...coop

[[Fr...]]

Hi Everybody,

 

I'm behind you all by a few months but follow your thread to see what's in store for me and also because there doesn't seem to be a group here at my point in wd.

 

Coop - You asked if anyone else has the alternating between calm and internal anxiety.  I have exactly what you describe.  It's awful.  It has to be a withdrawal symptom because I was never like that before, either.  It's unnerving.  I hope it goes away for both of us soon.

 

I think it was Korbe who mentioned having tired, sleepy days followed by jitters and tinnitus.  This happened to me too recently.  A few weeks back I was sleepy and wiped out, this week, have extreme jitters, trouble sleeping and bad tinnitus.

 

This all must be wd since everyone is having similar reactions.

 

I'm hoping at between 6- 12 months a lot of this resolves or at the very least, eases up to a tolerable level for all of us.

 

Feel better everyone,

Lisa

[[Co...]]

* should be Full Catrastophe Living '...but "Full Catrastophe Jinga ' is actually a pretty good description of my present process....*....coop

[[No...]]

Coop - I love it .... "Full Catastrophe Jinga" ... btw - dignity is where ever you are sitting ... on a park bench, on a cushion, or in the tub ... all life asks of us to to be here now, where ever and whenever that is.

 

[[No...]]

FreeofV - welcome to this group ... join in when you can. We are all on this road to recovery together. Reminds me of a 20th century version of the Canterbury Tales. On our version of a pilgramge to recovery.

 

Yes, the jitters. They too come and go for me. Sometimes really, really, loud. Often to the point of vibrating within. No rhyme or reason. They just show up, do their thing and then move on. Just like all the rest of this turmoil. Hang in, hang on and hang out.

 

Good Healing.

[[li...]]

Hey all, I just got hit with a real bad stimulus and I just hope it does not turn into a full blown wave as I have been in a simi-window. Look we are all going to make it I just think that we all need new coping skills. The only big symptom that I am fighting right now is not to be frozen in fear every time I get stressed. It does no one any good to be frozen. I know it irrationally but the experiences of the last year have made me second guess things. I am going outside for a bike ride and hopefully I can calm down.

 

It was a financial stress from the budget I am trying to stay on op of but more is leaving each month than coming in and that just pissed me off. Plus my dog just ran away and someone just brought him back but the adrenalin is still there. Ok breath, Life, just breath and distract. You will be ok. There is nothing going to kill you. No Saber Tooth tiger out there. It all ok. Its just anxiety. It wont kill you. This is the process I am going through right now. It actually feels good writing it down. huh? Maybe I'll do this agin to calm down.More to follow. Outside I go!

 

Life

[[pe...]]

Coop- cull catastrophe jinga made me laugh out loud. Thanks for showing up with the laughter today. It's a rare and treasured gift.

 

I guess I'm usually in a semi-anxious state. When frightening thoughts come up I immediately say, "That's anxiety." Calling it out seems to diminish it in short order. It works if I do it right as the thought comes in and now it's a habit.

 

Glad for each of you on this thread. And Lisa I came on early too and found it to be a great fit. Time in this thing, maybe in all things, is relative.

 

Peace

[[Gr...]]

Hey Everybody

 

I had to catch up.  Was off for a few days.  Ten pages of this thread I needed to read.  And I'm so grateful to have you all.

 

I'm with Coop, only my poor house is not getting cleaned.  Bad, bad wave.  Predominant is hypertension feeling and weird heart rate with skipped beats.  Then all the other minor members of the committee:  cog fog, emotional instability, bloated belly, nausea, insomnia all night listening to my heart skipping beats, can't accomplish small tasks, hard to even get out the door.  Back to hoping my friend comes through and gets me buried properly.

 

On a positive note:  I had some of the best days I've had in a long time between this wave and the last.  And I was able to drag myself to my niece's dance recital yesterday, long highway drive, sit through an hour of pre-school ballet, and then go to lunch with some people.  I was not feeling great, and I was able to step up and pull through.  I even think I socialized successfully.  Hard to tell.  Human relationships are still very challenging.  I feel pretty robotic.  I try to act "as if."

I took a long walk today and couldn't bust up the cement around my heart.  So I started crying.  That helped.  And now I'm actually feeling better.  So we'll see.

I want to thank everybody here, all of you.

[[He...]]

Hi All!  I hit my 11 month mark today.  Yay!!  I have been doing good again, probably back up to 90 - 95% after the wave I went through the middle of month 10.  Yesterday was a big day with attending graduation and then having to go to 3 graduation parties.  I made it through just fine, just some jitters now and then.  My jitters are now more like I drank too much caffeine, those internal vibration types, rather than the anxiety type that I used to get. 

 

I got hit with a huge stimulus just a few hours ago and I'm still feeling jittery from it.  Our sewer backed up and made a huge mess.....on top of an already huge mess.  An area that I have REALLY struggled with is housekeeping while in tolerance, withdrawal, and now recovery for the past 3 years.  I am ashamed to admit, but our house is really gross.  Like we can't have visitors come over, gross.  :-[   Now that I'm not in a perpectual fog or completely wiped out from my job, I can see it for what its really become.  My huge summer project will be to get my house back into shape.  So, anyway, today we had to call a plumber over!  Talk about stress to have to clean your house BEFORE you can call the plumber....all because you don't want to be horribly embarrased.  :-[  UGH!!  We got it cleaned up enough that he can come in and not be horribly shocked, and I'm still feeling jittery.  I ran off to school to do some work and left my husband to deal with it.  I'm praying it isn't a big problem! 

Does anyone else share the shameful secret of a very messy house due to these stupid benzos? 

[[Gr...]]

Hi All!  I hit my 11 month mark today.  Yay!!  I have been doing good again, probably back up to 90 - 95% after the wave I went through the middle of month 10.  Yesterday was a big day with attending graduation and then having to go to 3 graduation parties.  I made it through just fine, just some jitters now and then.  My jitters are now more like I drank too much caffeine, those internal vibration types, rather than the anxiety type that I used to get. 

 

I got hit with a huge stimulus just a few hours ago and I'm still feeling jittery from it.  Our sewer backed up and made a huge mess.....on top of an already huge mess.  An area that I have REALLY struggled with is housekeeping while in tolerance, withdrawal, and now recovery for the past 3 years.  I am ashamed to admit, but our house is really gross.  Like we can't have visitors come over, gross.  :-[   Now that I'm not in a perpectual fog or completely wiped out from my job, I can see it for what its really become.  My huge summer project will be to get my house back into shape.  So, anyway, today we had to call a plumber over!  Talk about stress to have to clean your house BEFORE you can call the plumber....all because you don't want to be horribly embarrased.  :-[  UGH!!  We got it cleaned up enough that he can come in and not be horribly shocked, and I'm still feeling jittery.  I ran off to school to do some work and left my husband to deal with it.  I'm praying it isn't a big problem! 

Does anyone else share the shameful secret of a very messy house due to these stupid benzos?

 

Yes, HealingHope, yes, yes, yes.  I had to move into my ex's home right when I jumped.  It's like a hoarder's house. He saved every piece of paper, mail, receipt for the last 40 years.  I'm paralyzed.  I can't do anything.  I can't move. I don't know where to start.  I have to wait for a window to do a little housework.  And I keep feeling like if I could organize this house I would feel so much better.  I keep the kitchen and bathroom pretty clean.  It's the clutter that's killing me.  I have rooms filled with boxes.  I have stacks and piles of papers.  And I'm afraid of the dust.  I just don't know what to do with everything.  And it's not just this house.  Like you, in tolerance I started having trouble organizing.  My office at work had gotten out of control towards the end.  Fliprain talks about this in her success story.  It's not uncommon.  Not sure what the medical term for it is, though, lol.

 

Well, I'm glad to hear you're in a good place today.  Congrats on Month 11!   

[[He...]]

It really does add to the stress, doesn't it, GreenIce?  I can't wait to get my house back under control.  It's sad because it has become the norm around here and nobody seems to see it.  My husband and my daughters don't clean unless I ask, and I went many, many, many months without asking.  I think everyone in my family were paralyzed by my benzo illness.    Ah, well, as my Grandma would say, "what's done is done".....so now this summer is the time to move forward. 

 

I hope you get a window soon!  And thanks for the heads up about the success story, I will go and check it out.

[[Co...]]

Green....I think the " skipping " beats sound like pvcs. ( premature ventricular heart beats). I don't know very much, but I get them sometimes too. My physician told me they are not dangerous . Believe me,  I know how it is to be awake listening to a weird beat....I have learned to ignore mind as I have had them for a long time. .. every now and then I do get a palpitation or flutter that catches my attention ...the heart stuff drives me nuts. If it wasn't for the b/p I would be at an 8 or so for healing.  Like you I have had some let up of s/x.

......Yahoo for you for going to the recital....is there anything cuter than a preschool recital?!. .I think isolation inteansifies our s/x, but I try to keep it short with open ended leave times. I am starting a yoga class next week. Taking my rickety out of sync beating old heart ( This Old Heart of Mine...?...) and going no matter what.....I am also planning a pool party for my grandsons....crossing my fingers...

........thanks Green, it is very reassuring to have a heart buddy....its too scary to navigate those s/x alone.....I hope you sleep tonight .....btw.....this may or may not help, but I am finding Calms Forte to be fairly helpful for anxiety......I take them daily and they are safe....You are so brave Green....you will have your life back and be an old lady of 95......coop

[[Fr...]]

Hi Nova Scotia - thank you for the kind welcome!  I like your thread and approach toward healing and meditation.  I do a meditation practice by a woman, Maritza on a DVD I own, and I like how Rodney Yea approaches the sitting posture.  By the time I'm sitting correctly, I am quite relaxed:)

 

Healing - so glad you're in a nice window now.

 

Lisa

 

[[li...]]

Coop yoga is great! Well I'll know if I will be in another wave tomorrow after the stress I just had today.

 

All, I was wondering what does stress do to you? For me I get a stimulus and I just can not handle as much as I used to. Then I get stressed and then I either keep it low or spiral. At the end of bad spirals it ends up to be depression for me. How do you all react?

 

I kind of am pissed because I was having pretty good window yesterday. Shoot the benzo buggy man is trying to reassert itself. Ahh screw him!

 

Life

[[Gr...]]

It really does add to the stress, doesn't it, GreenIce?  I can't wait to get my house back under control.  It's sad because it has become the norm around here and nobody seems to see it.  My husband and my daughters don't clean unless I ask, and I went many, many, many months without asking.  I think everyone in my family were paralyzed by my benzo illness.    Ah, well, as my Grandma would say, "what's done is done".....so now this summer is the time to move forward. 

 

I hope you get a window soon!  And thanks for the heads up about the success story, I will go and check it out.

 

I'm very glad you brought that up, "don't clean unless I ask."  That's a major issue for me.  I'm stuck in this little "caretaker" role where I do everything and nobody else really does anything.  I'm struggling to change that.  I have a lot of resentment towards everyone for not helping me more (like any martyr/victim!), but in their defense I never let anyone do anything because they don't do it "right."  So lots of changes coming down the pike.  I don't want to go back to the way it was before.  Clearly it wasn't working if I needed to be on benzos.  And Fliprain is really good.  She even talks about the cleaning issue in some of her posts.

[[Co...]]

Life, I am still so sensitive to stress....or any over stimulation ( even very happy excitement, like seeing my grandsons), triggers anxiety. I try to anticipate happiness,  stress, too much excitement etc and breathe through it. It doesn't always work....Also if it is an expected stress I try to keep the interaction short. ...It is hard....we are so best up by anxiety anything can create the begn. spiral. .....I actually think getting a little pissed at the Benzo Beast gives us some impetus to say exactly what you did, " skrew it...I am going to take my life back ". Life you seem to be coming back great from the ups and downs. I think you are so getting there. ...To me, every time I go out into the social world I feel like. I am learning all over how to be in the world with other people.

........I hope you don't get a depression wave Life....you are doing do great.....coop

[[Gr...]]

Green....I think the " skipping " beats sound like pvcs. ( premature ventricular heart beats). I don't know very much, but I get them sometimes too. My physician told me they are not dangerous . Believe me,  I know how it is to be awake listening to a weird beat....I have learned to ignore mind as I have had them for a long time. .. every now and then I do get a palpitation or flutter that catches my attention ...the heart stuff drives me nuts. If it wasn't for the b/p I would be at an 8 or so for healing.  Like you I have had some let up of s/x.

......Yahoo for you for going to the recital....is there anything cuter than a preschool recital?!. .I think isolation inteansifies our s/x, but I try to keep it short with open ended leave times. I am starting a yoga class next week. Taking my rickety out of sync beating old heart ( This Old Heart of Mine...?...) and going no matter what.....I am also planning a pool party for my grandsons....crossing my fingers...

........thanks Green, it is very reassuring to have a heart buddy....its too scary to navigate those s/x alone.....I hope you sleep tonight .....btw.....this may or may not help, but I am finding Calms Forte to be fairly helpful for anxiety......I take them daily and they are safe....You are so brave Green....you will have your life back and be an old lady of 95......coop

 

Yes, a heart buddy is reassuring.  I really think this heart/BP thing is just going to disappear one day.  It's like everything else.  Real high BP doesn't stop on a dime when the wave is over. 

 

The pre-k ballet was precious.  Tiny little girls in tutus.  Adorable.  I had two boys so this was a treat.  A pool party is very ambitious.  Good for you.  Yeah, little kids can't wait for withdrawal to be over.  Life has to go on, and it's good that we're living it as best we can

 

As far as how healed I am, when I get a bad s/x, a cascade follows.  I don't have one issue in isolation.  I become an incapacitated quivering mess of symptoms.

 

The good thing about waves in phase II, 6-12 months, is as wicked as they can be they usually don't last too long.

[[Co...]]

Green...love that term....Phase II .6-12 months.......so much better than p/w STILL....or Unending p/w....or STILL not healed...lol....

....Glad to be a heart buddy...causes me so much anxiety....today I only took my b/p x2...it was modaerately high both times, but not panic high. I think the beta block I take is actually somewhat calming.. ...really hope this b/p thing sorts itself out...yours too...

.....good on you Green for going out today....peace to you....coop

[[Sk...]]

I never let anyone do anything because they don't do it "right."

 

I was reading this passage and I really had to put my 2 cents in.

 

Mr Sky is exactly that way!! I had given up on doing so many things around the house and he  resented it, but when I do clean up then he just looks critically at what I've done and tells me everything is wrong.

It's really unpleasant for the "beneficiary". At least you recognize your part in it.

 

When I point this out, Mr Sky says I'm just making excuses.

 

It's very uncool in  Italy for a man to actually help out in the house when a woman should be doing it . Apparently it compromises his virility. Mr Sky isn't this way thankfully, but I realize how unpleasant it is to be the only one to care about an issue.

 

Now, the matter is pretty much out of my hands but when I get well I know it will be an issue again.

 

Funny!

 

Heart is bad, I don't bother checking my pulse.

 

I may be wreckless but I don't trust myself enough as it is.

 

When things get bad my eyesight (left eye) gets out of focus till I  almost can't see.

 

Palps and vibrations always take the cake these days.

 

I wish I were hard on myself. This is an issue I hope to resolve in wd.

 

Does anybody else feel that perhaps one big challenge,  is being kind to ourselves? 

 

Why would that be?

 

I hope to get to the bottom of it and change this one thing for the better!

 

 

[[li...]]

hey guys and gals,

 

Feedback from my visit with the addiction specialist. It turns out that he is a published authority on the issue of addiction and one of the the most esteemed in the US. ( I shoudl know his name but I have his card in the car ) Where do I start? Well, on a personal note, f I feel a  calmness upon me today so hopefully I can endure the stress that I have been through yesterday without a wave. That shows healing in the 8th month and I will show you why that is important. I have some very good news for all of us. I liked the fact that he is not as specific a "Ashton Manual" guru but rather has his own knowledge with over 20 years of working with addictions. Here are the questions I wanted to get to the bottom of:

 

 

Why are benzos so hard to overcome? His answer: Because of the s/a including intolerable anxiety are worst than any other drug class including heroin, opiates, speed etc. and last so long ( with the exception of Cocaine, which he say is also very hard).

 

Is this me or is this the benzo dude? His answer: For sure no one can answer if your symptoms that you are experiencing are w/d or some other type of underling issue, BUT I will tell you that the symptoms you are experiencing are in of w/d of benzo and if you did not have them before benzos then reason would suggest its w/d.

 

How long before we can heal? His answer:  W/d  may go  as much as one year with the majority of cases resolved within one and one half years.  Most cases see the begining of resolution my the 8th month? ( no shit!!!!)

 

How do you know you are healed? His answer: There is no answer to this. One day you just wake up and you are healed. You can have a really bad week and then the week after you wake up and no more symptoms for the rest of your life. Completely random and non linear.

 

 

Can it last more than 1 year? His answer: Yes , but it is more rare. The resolution of all problems will be by year 1 1/2.

 

Which drug do you recommend for as needed for stress or stressful situations? His answer: Beta blockers.

 

 

This visit was the best $20.00 co pay that I have ever paid. He really gave me hope and to know that others not associated with Ashton were concluding the same. This really made me feel relieved. After all Ashton as great as it is is only one person's opinion albeit well documented. Now a 20 year veteran with no affiliation to Ashton that has degrees all over his office for only addiction specialty is also stating that we will heal with 1 year to 1 and 1/2 max! Good news all! :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

 

Life

 

 

 

[[je...]]

Such good news! Thank you for sharing life!