6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Sasquach and Floc, I have all of the same thoughts floating through my mind all day long. I feel as though Ive ruined my health, I took it for granted and now its gone. I feel like Im missing out on these years with my kids because Im not enjoying time with them because I feel sick all the time. The health and aging fears are just endless, I worry about my future constantly. We are all in this together

 

Jen, I'm a lot older than you are, and I have all of those same fears, and in a window I don't.  These are benzo fears, I know they are.  I was consumed with those fears.  It's all intrusive negative thoughts.  They really hijack your mind.  I just went through a bad day with it yesterday.  I'm still in a wave, but the thoughts stopped, and I can remember how intense and crazy they were, and how wrong.  These must be the benzo lies everyone talks about in the success stories.  Feel better.

[[Sk...]]

I am so sorry everybody is suffering this much.

 

Unfortunately I have the same thoughts.

Sasquach, I am 42. I too am tortured by the fear of not having enough to retire on. In my case, my fear is not so farfetched.

 

Anyway, there is some comfort in seeing we are all having the same kind of thoughts.  I know it is wd, but somehow, the thoughts seemed to be this way because of bad life decisions. Now, we can't all have made one mistake after another can we?

 

I don't think we can remember the good things. Wd is diabolical.

 

I constantly call my mother, out of the blue and ask for forgiveness for things that happened 25 years ago or call her up to thank her for something nice and equally distant.  Poor woman !

Thinking that eveybody is about to fall dead any minute, makes you do odd things!

 

My period has started so my body and mind have just started going beserk !

 

It is ok to write negative posts we are here for support and to vent. If you hadn't posted, Floc, we would not know we are all sharing these things at this stage. It is encouraging because now I am sure that these specific thoughts are induced and we can build a better life with less regrets.

 

Sasquach sorry about your family situation but your wife is just going through a lot. And maybe you are interpreting her tiredness as something worse ? 

 

I am going to bed. The time zones, have me completely out of synch with the thread!

 

Healing thoughts to everybody.

[[sa...]]

Thanks GreenIce. I find that when these horrible waves pass, the baseline usually goes up and sometimes a bad symptom gets better. I hope I lose a symptom with this. I don't know. I feel like little has changed the last 4 months and the waves have not lessened in intensity.

 

Has anyone had there wave loose intensity or do you just notice them getting further apart? I feel like mine are getting further out in distance but the intensity is still horrible.

[[li...]]

Thanks everyone Green-- I have actually cried for it to stop too. Its like I'm just beating myself down all day everyday and I'm left with no self esteem and zero confidence i just hate who i am and then that just leads to depression, its a viscous circle. I'm sorry for anyone going through this, so thankful for all of you. Jenny

 

Jenny, you are going to make it through... I am not sure, did you have depression before benzos? I know that this is all just a rough wave that we both have gone through at 10.5 to 11 months but I think awesome healing and baseline improvement is going to happen to us. Many like HH have talked about these late waves and then they get awesome windows and baseline improvements. It is going to happen to us!

 

Life

[[je...]]

Thank you life! I sure hope so

[[He...]]

Hi Everyone, Just checking in.  I haven't read any posts from this week, but I sure hope that you are doing OK.  Today was the 3rd day of the new school year and I am feeling really good.  I was rather worried because I started to get pretty wavy, with anxiety ramping up, last weekend, but it settled down again and I have simply been enjoying these past 3 days.  Sleeping good, feeling happy, no anxiety.  I can NOT believe the change from last school year to this school year!!  It's literally like night and day.  It feels so good to just BE....the VAST majority of the time content, not being obsessively inwardly focused, just calm and happy.  I passed that 14 month mark on Sept 1 and I still think that I will be declaring myself done before 18 months. 

 

I think that this "reentry period" is about learning coping skills to dealing with the stress of life, and trusting my CNS to be able to deal with it.  I still have a touch of mistrust in that area.  I still can have some random waves that pop up out of nowhere that make me realize that I'm still not 100%.  I mistrust the waves enough that it holds me back from saying "yes, this is finally over"....they are not bad now, but it's almost like I feel that if I write a success story that a huge one will swamp me.  That's why I am giving myself another few months. 

 

I can say that I am so incredibly happy that I am off benzos!  Life is SO much richer now than it was.  I also realize that even with my random waves that pop up, my anxiety is so much less than it was while on them.  The further I get out from taking Klonopin and the antidepressant, the more I realize how much they were CAUSING anxiety and depression.  I praise God that I am free from that chemical prison!

 

Stay strong.  I have said it a lot, but I'll say it again....it really does get good.  Healing happens! 

 

Love to you all. 

HH   

 

   

[[Co...]]

Hi buddies ...well we definitely have a collective theme going on here. It is so good that we can keep the dialouge so open. Its true Floc, if you hadn't expressed freely your thoughts we might not know that we are all experiencing scary and depressing thoughts. ...I honestly think if in a window you do not have these thoughts they are w/d. Somehow we just have to survive from one window to the next...that's the hard part...surviving the waves. It sounds like most of the baselines are decent...at least functional,  but the waves are brutal....I would just about sell my soul and settle for my baseline of 75%- 80% if I never had to have another wave...

...I had dome relief yesterday at mid- day through evening...a good sleep ( my sleep is consistently better 6-7 hours with only one wake up), and the first part of the morning was good...my head pressure and dizziness let up....for about 2 hours and then returned. I went grocery shopping with my daughterbut was cog fogged and moderately dizzy the entire time. I enjoyed my time with her though. I had a stressful phone conversation with the insurance company that ramped up the pounding heart and d/r,  but the anxiety passed. ...

....Like Jenny my fears are health fears...constant...constant head pressure and boatiness makes me feel the same way,  "I should be better by now ...there must be something so wrong " ...The only thing that is helping me survive is knowing that others are similar in their progress...thank God for every singlecone of you.  The other thing that saves me is that in a window the mental torture goes away...it wouldn't do that if it was anything BUT w/d

.....For all of us suffering....this will end...Ashton says eventually everyone heals. I am thinking that for me,  healing will happen in that 12-14-18 month time frame ...and re- entry will be more likely in the second year. ....much different than my starry eyed expectations when I jumped. I fully believed that I would be "back to normal " by 6 months....what was I thinking...

....thank you to everyone who shared their scary thoughts...it has been reassuring to me to know that we are all pretty much in the same head space....wishing windows for all of us tomorrow...coop.

[[pe...]]

Hi Everyone, Just checking in.  I haven't read any posts from this week, but I sure hope that you are doing OK.  Today was the 3rd day of the new school year and I am feeling really good.  I was rather worried because I started to get pretty wavy, with anxiety ramping up, last weekend, but it settled down again and I have simply been enjoying these past 3 days.  Sleeping good, feeling happy, no anxiety.  I can NOT believe the change from last school year to this school year!!  It's literally like night and day.  It feels so good to just BE....the VAST majority of the time content, not being obsessively inwardly focused, just calm and happy.  I passed that 14 month mark on Sept 1 and I still think that I will be declaring myself done before 18 months. 

 

I think that this "reentry period" is about learning coping skills to dealing with the stress of life, and trusting my CNS to be able to deal with it.  I still have a touch of mistrust in that area.  I still can have some random waves that pop up out of nowhere that make me realize that I'm still not 100%.  I mistrust the waves enough that it holds me back from saying "yes, this is finally over"....they are not bad now, but it's almost like I feel that if I write a success story that a huge one will swamp me.  That's why I am giving myself another few months. 

 

I can say that I am so incredibly happy that I am off benzos!  Life is SO much richer now than it was.  I also realize that even with my random waves that pop up, my anxiety is so much less than it was while on them.  The further I get out from taking Klonopin and the antidepressant, the more I realize how much they were CAUSING anxiety and depression.  I praise God that I am free from that chemical prison!

 

Stay strong.  I have said it a lot, but I'll say it again....it really does get good.  Healing happens! 

 

Love to you all. 

HH   

 

 

 

Hi Healing Hope,

Your message is an absolute blessing to me tonight. I too just finished my third day in the classroom and I am suffering with some intense symptoms. We also had both cars wind up in the shop this week and will probably need to replace one of the cars. There is no lack of stress in my life  and my sleep has been terrible. At this moment I'm trying not to spiral into very bleak thinking. If I could believe it will get better in seven months or twelve months, it would make it that much more bearable. I want to teach and be the mama of my boys, but not like this. Oh, how I hope it gets better and I can be writing a message like yours when school is starting up in 2015.

 

Thank you , HH! I'm so glad you are on the other side and enjoying all that awaits you. Well done and well deserved.

Peace

 

 

[[fl...]]

Thank you all for the compassionate responses.  I am grateful to God for this wonderful group of people!

 

I love what Sky said, and I'm going to adopt it as my mission statement going forward:  I do want to use this experience to help me "build a better life with fewer regrets" going forward.

 

Love to you all.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Guys

 

Sounds like a whole lotta hurtin' goin' on, including me.  Just started body aches and benzo flu.  On top of my wave.  Coop said she had the b flu.  Hope it doesn't last too long.

 

Trying to stay positive   

[[pe...]]

I miss you guys. I need you guys. I have no time. My goal is to get through the day without crying at school. Herculean task. My mood has fallen. Prayers and warm thoughts offered and accepted.

 

Peace

[[ga...]]

Sorry so many are having a difficult time here.  Remember..one day at a time.  I seemed to have turned a corner here the last few days.  Still have the intrusive thoughts, mainly in the morning.  Sleep, well I have discarded the last 4 nights and have actually been able to get 4 to 5 hours which is GREAT for me.  Not where I want it eventually, but I'll take it.  So here I am at 14 months.  Still cycling back and forth and just hoping to see gradual improvement.  Best to you all!

[[Co...]]

Sending love Peace....I will be thinking of you through the day. It is Friday.....it is ok to ' fake it until you make it...it is ok to cry when you can find a private moment....all the buddies are with you ( in other words,  "the force is with you ") ...6 hours...one at a time...you are strong strong strong but it is ok to be vulnerable tired and discouraged...this will not always be like this.. read HH 's post about how much better this year is for her...you just havecto get through the day and then you can go home and fall apart if you needyo. You have 2 days of no work to rest on the wave....love to you Peace...coop

[[mr...]]

Hi Peace (and any other of my teaching buddies!),

 

I would encourage you to read Sophia's success story: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=109272.0

 

She is a teacher that taught full time all the way through withdrawal -- and, she was/is an elementary music teacher!! Talk about noises & anxiety, lol! I've gone back and read lots of her posts from the past, during similar timeframes as my withdrawal, and found much encouragement from them. We can do all things through Him that strengthens us Yes, we CAN!

 

Love you guys Thoughts your way today; enjoy your weekend!

 

Mrs.

[[ja...]]

mrsalw, how sweet you are.

 

Love Jackie

[[Mo...]]

I miss you guys. I need you guys. I have no time. My goal is to get through the day without crying at school. Herculean task. My mood has fallen. Prayers and warm thoughts offered and accepted.

 

Peace

 

Peace, hugs!!  I have been think about you.  Mom and I continue to pray for everyone.  I have been very busy with household and now my oldest has started school.

 

I think about how you and Life go to work everyday.  To me it's the ultimate sign of function.  Getting up and going. And you have the little ones.  Today I was thinking about what your doctors have told you... That it's about time and healing. 

 

Those words have comforted me as well.  I think of all the tests they have run and just knowing it's time... I can live with that.  You are doing so good!  I know it's hard.  Keep listening to the positive affirmations.  Remember it's just matter of time. It's also Friday and you can recharge for the next two days.

 

Mrs-  awesome link! 

 

Be encouraged Peace.. Time is all it takes and we've got plenty of it!

 

 

[Guest [su...]]

hi everyone, i have not been well for a few days.. wave hit.. i'm still stuck inside myself and can't feel myself yet and it really hurts and i've been having those dreadful thoughts.. i hope i get better soon. looks like we all need a great big window..

[[Gr...]]

Thanks GreenIce. I find that when these horrible waves pass, the baseline usually goes up and sometimes a bad symptom gets better. I hope I lose a symptom with this. I don't know. I feel like little has changed the last 4 months and the waves have not lessened in intensity.

 

Has anyone had there wave loose intensity or do you just notice them getting further apart? I feel like mine are getting further out in distance but the intensity is still horrible.

 

Sasq, I'm in the middle of one now.  You're right, they're further apart but seem just as intense.  I'm stunned by the intensity this far out.  I'm trying to reenter the world, slowly, but when I get hit like this, I'm like, damn, I can't even be around normal people, or even abnormal dysfunctional people.  And I just wish I would stop trying to explain this to people, they don't get it, esp. this far out.  I'm better off keeping my mouth shut and venting here.  Thanks for reminding me that when this is over the baseline rises.  It always does.  I remember coming out of bad waves and being amazed at how much better I am.  So we vent a little, but try to stay positive, or get healthy mad

[[Gr...]]

Sending love Peace....I will be thinking of you through the day. It is Friday.....it is ok to ' fake it until you make it...it is ok to cry when you can find a private moment....all the buddies are with you ( in other words,  "the force is with you ") ...6 hours...one at a time...you are strong strong strong but it is ok to be vulnerable tired and discouraged...this will not always be like this.. read HH 's post about how much better this year is for her...you just havecto get through the day and then you can go home and fall apart if you needyo. You have 2 days of no work to rest on the wave....love to you Peace...coop

 

Peace, I wanted to say something like this, but Coop said it better.  Take the weekend to rest.  One day at a time.  Love, Green

[[Gr...]]

I miss you guys. I need you guys. I have no time. My goal is to get through the day without crying at school. Herculean task. My mood has fallen. Prayers and warm thoughts offered and accepted.

 

Peace

 

Peace, hugs!!  I have been think about you.  Mom and I continue to pray for everyone.  I have been very busy with household and now my oldest has started school.

 

I think about how you and Life go to work everyday.  To me it's the ultimate sign of function.  Getting up and going. And you have the little ones.  Today I was thinking about what your doctors have told you... That it's about time and healing. 

 

Those words have comforted me as well.  I think of all the tests they have run and just knowing it's time... I can live with that.  You are doing so good!  I know it's hard.  Keep listening to the positive affirmations.  Remember it's just matter of time. It's also Friday and you can recharge for the next two days.

 

Mrs-  awesome link! 

 

Be encouraged Peace.. Time is all it takes and we've got plenty of it!

 

Mommy, I was wondering how you were.  I'm glad to hear you were just busy with back-to-school.  Glad to see you back.

[[Gr...]]

Sorry so many are having a difficult time here.  Remember..one day at a time.  I seemed to have turned a corner here the last few days.  Still have the intrusive thoughts, mainly in the morning.  Sleep, well I have discarded the last 4 nights and have actually been able to get 4 to 5 hours which is GREAT for me.  Not where I want it eventually, but I'll take it.  So here I am at 14 months.  Still cycling back and forth and just hoping to see gradual improvement.  Best to you all!

 

Gart, I think I hear a little improvement there.  Good, you need  a break.  I told you the sleep makes a big difference.  I was at my lowest mentally when I stopped sleeping.  I'm really happy for you.  Wishing you many hours of continued shut-eye, dude!

[[Gr...]]

Hi, everybody.  Lots of people hurting, including me.  This is very discouraging, it's so hard to remain positive.  But I am positive, for all of us.  I have awful body aches, fatigue, which always scares me, because I had it so long and so bad in tolerance, but I am certain that we are all going to get through this, we will come out of this current wave and, as Sasq noted, feel our baselines rise.  And we will have better windows. 

 

Love and healing to all  :smitten:

[[Mo...]]

Thank you for thinking of me Green..

 

Yup, I have been busy getting the house back in order and keeping my oldest on a schedule since school started on Tuesday.  Everyone was used to playing iPads all day, so it's been a rude awakening.  I also wanted to stay off the boards for a bit.  Wow, do I miss you guys!!  We put the Halloween decorations up and I"ve been dabbling in Halloween lunch items for my oldest.  So far I"ve done hard boiled spider eggs and apple peanut butter slices with marshmallows for teeth. 

 

S/x wise, my sleep is still gone.  Fear and panic are the prevailing emotions.  Burning headaches with lots of head and ear pressure.  This is new, but I hear you all describe it so I thought I would validate it's there for me too.  I have a bar of tightness that goes across the base of my skull.  I also have more dizziness and the occasional sensation of being on the ocean.  It is very brief, so not enough to complain about.  I have that cough in my throat and sharp objects are getting shiny again.  The me inside seems to be solid.. my baseline doesn't seem to affected.  While I can break down in tears, there isn't the disconnect I know that happens in a wave.  I do need reassurance, but it's this coexisting thing not a taking over sensation. 

 

The hot flashes are there too, but i think something happened at 4am.  I felt my brain ping like a pebble hit it and then my face tried to flush, but it dispersed quickly.  I am hoping this means a chemical shift has happened.  Will keep you posted.  After I get up and around things burn off and I am very functional.  Today it's a bit heavier, but still moving around in it.  I have read the prior posts and I picture everyone where they are in this.  Green, you said you were driving and were stopped or something and put your head down to cry.  I understand all of this.  So we have months 6 being rough and month 10.  I hit 10 last Thursday, but 9 has proven to be unpleasant too. 

 

Any one know what is going on with this?  Why fear and panic and loss of sleep and hot flashes? 

 

In the mean time I look for the bridge that is always extended to me.  I am standing at the shore watching for it... Something simple but huge that gets me thru.  It could be a word, a song, a whisper in my mind, a smell, a hug from my child, a funny video on FB, a scripture from a friend, a sermon, a flower, a bird.. ANYTHING... and I am watching very closely for it. 

 

We are still praying for everyone.  Sussie.. we are praying for you ... 

 

Lisa (Free).. we are praying for you too ...

 

This has to end eventually.  It has too..

 

Praying for everyone.  It works, I know it does because I get such relief.  I know there is an end to this. 

 

 

MommyR

 

[[Sk...]]

Hello everybody !

 

My period has started and all hell is breaking loose.

 

So here is what is going to happen. I have checked the thread and will catch up with it in a couple of hours before going to bed.

 

I have realized that I am really exausted so I am turning off the computer and I am putting my feet up in the air and watching something on television and if I can't do that, I will just take a walk.

 

So I will either  be doing one thing or the exact opposite, makes sense right ?

 

Despite the hellish background of symptoms,  things went well today.

 

Wish you all a peaceful evening.

[[ja...]]

Sussie, I am thinking of you my friend. Some days are harder then others. I am wishing you well today.

 

Love Jackie