6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

Well, Made it to month 10 but struggling. So much fear, anxiety, and crazy thoughts. I feel like i have electricity pumping through my body and causing a weird pressure in my brain. The nausea is back today as well.

 

I did have 5 real good window days last month, so I know healing is possible for me. I just get so depressed lately when I swing back into wave mode. It's hard to go from feeling 90% healed to 10% in a day.  I get so into living when in a window and then its gone and I'm sick again, crying and all that. So tired of this. I was hopeful of being healed by the holidays this year, but now I'm thinking not likely.

 

I started back working (from home) boss was nice enough to let me do that for a while. Hopefully I will heal in the next few months. I don't think they will let me work from home for too long.

 

Hi Sasq.  I hear the 10th month is tough.  It was for me.  Welcome.

[[je...]]

Hi sasquash-- I could have written your post. I relate 100% to what your saying. Hang in there! Jenny

[[je...]]

Hi guys,

 

Anyone suffering with negative thoughts? I just feel so negative lately like my life will never get better. I'm also so angry just mad that my life is now all about me and my sx . I'm sick of living this way. Anyone?

[[pe...]]

Jenny- Louise Hay. I listen to her affirmations two to three times a day. I think it's maybe helping my attitude.

 

Love,

Peace

[[Co...]]

Hi buddies,  I haven't read through the posts yet,  but wanted to just post a quick positive...

...Today is the beginning of month 10 for me. ...Today a 10 day bad bad very bad wave lifted. I am calling it a window.  A 90% day!...Out of the blue just like the wave. ...My head pressure lifted...completely after months ...the vertigo and nausea that had me on my knees ( literally) ...gone. Fears,  anxiety,  intrusive thoughts and discouragement and doubt .. gone. I know it could all come back tomorrow as my windows usually last only 24 hours,  but I know healing is happening. ...

.....This is what I think....It just doesn't matter what we do or don't do. This process has a life of its own. Thevbest we can do is survive the waves and bad days until we heal. Really I think it is that straight forward. I can not think of one thing that influenced my healing other than staying off the ativan.  However,  EVERYTHING I did to cope definitely influenced my survival. I think it is like a thunder storm. Nothing we do influences the beginning or end of the storm. ...but going inside, grounding our homes,  coming off the lake or golf course..takingvshrlter in the basement etc etc all help us survive the storm not turn it back.

.....I did a little experiment this morning after I realized that I was in a window and my health fears had vanished ...at least to the day. I actually TRIED bring up the worries., fears,  anxieties and intrusive thoughts of yesterday that had me convinced I was

dying of an undiagnosed medical condition...probably two. ...I could not...I really couldn't even quite remember how it felt emotionally. That emotional amnesia we have for our former. .

lives and good days....it apparently works in the reverse. dome. one else who healed ( sorry I cant remember who) said the same thing...she forgot how her w/d 'felt '.....just as we cant.  rember our former lives except in the cognitive...when we heal.  the trauma of this will leave us. I so believe this in a window an.      d so can not access this belief in a wave. So I have to rely on.  simple survival in a wave and let of trying to change it,  beat. it back. ...The only thing I can do is survive...it is what it is...it takes as long as it takes...acceptance...I am just going to live my life the best I can while the healing takes as long as it takes. I know I am getting better...

....I will try to read the posts I have missed later tonight. ...I am wishing every one of you buddies a peaceful night....coop

 

 

[[...]]

Yes Jen! I have so much to be thankful for, and I know this...here it comes...BUT...

 

I feel like I lost so much, I screwed up so much, I won't be able to fix this or make it better...

 

It sucks!

 

Maybe if my emotions came back it would be better, or maybe I would feel worse...I don't know!

 

I'm existing, going through motions, but not "LIVING"! I'm trying!

 

[[Co...]]

Jenny and Sasquash....I am sorry you are mired in the mud of this. The negative thoughts and weariness of it wears us down I honestly believe now that the only thing that gets us through a wave is the next window...in between is survival...whatever helps us survive. I dont think we can 'talk. ' ourselves ' out of ' a wave...we just have to get through it with the strategies we learned from acute and each other. Lean on each other..encourage each other. I think we will all be doing better at Christmas...I am so sorry that there is discouragement here tonight. My heart is with every one of you in this group....coop

[[Gr...]]

Hi guys,

 

Anyone suffering with negative thoughts? I just feel so negative lately like my life will never get better. I'm also so angry just mad that my life is now all about me and my sx . I'm sick of living this way. Anyone?

 

Jenny, not only negative, but CRAZY insane intense.  I can't stand being in my own head.  I literally started crying, please make it stop.  And you know I'm not a sissy  -- nobody here is.  This is beyond negative thoughts.  This is thought control, torment.  I think it rises to the level of real psychiatric.  I was doing better. I'm back on the couch, hoping it doesn't go on too long 

[[pe...]]

I am so sorry for the intrusive negative thoughts. I suffer from this too, and often. Listening to the affirmations by Louise Hay is really helping and maybe it could help you too. It interrupts my loops when I play it. Sometimes I even repeat after her out loud. It's one way of changing the channel and it's pretty painless. Let me know if you try it.

 

Peace

[[Gr...]]

I am so sorry for the intrusive negative thoughts. I suffer from this too, and often. Listening to the affirmations by Louise Hay is really helping and maybe it could help you too. It interrupts my loops when I play it. Sometimes I even repeat after her out loud. It's one way of changing the channel and it's pretty painless. Let me know if you try it.

 

Peace

 

You have taped affirmations?  DVD?  Yes, I will try it.  This is very distracting.

 

You sound good, Peace. hope all is well.

 

sue 

[[Gr...]]

Re Beating Intrusive Thoughts.  This is a little long, but interesting

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=77290.msg1021147#msg1021147

[[je...]]

Thanks everyone Green-- I have actually cried for it to stop too. Its like I'm just beating myself down all day everyday and I'm left with no self esteem and zero confidence i just hate who i am and then that just leads to depression, its a viscous circle. I'm sorry for anyone going through this, so thankful for all of you. Jenny

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for the link GreenICe. It took me a while to get through, no division in paragraphs for my poor struggling benzo brain, but somehow I got there.

 

Don't feed  intrusive thoughts with our attention. This seems very important to me. Many of our symptoms feed, prey on our attention like monsters in fairy tale.

That is easier said than done, but I have seen it happen now and then.

 

About trying to suppress these thoughts, what exactly is meant ? Anyway these things are a trial and error experience.

You can read the best self help article and it might not help if you are in the throes of desperation and  your brain is in the " I am doomed, there's nothing I can do".

Luckily these moments of despair do not last too long.

 

I am so sorry there is so much despair and mental anguish today on the thread. Let's just  hold on tight to each other and find comfort that we are in the same boat and the trip is rough but we are going to get there.

 

I like to stall my misery by making elaborate plans of things I want to do when better. Things like giving, planning a trip, presents, an activity. A meal.

These are all things to remind us that there are so many nice  things we will get to do soon.

Today, while suffering, I stalled my brain by making plans for my niece's birthday. She will be ten and I started wondering if I could make something nice for her, I can't afford gifts yet. I probably cannot even make it to her birthday party but that's irrelevant.

 

 

Coop had said something wonderful but now I have forgotten it, so sorry it was worth some thought !

 

Just a quick note. When I fall asleep, I noticed that my palps increase drastically waking me up. It is quite horrid and I end up not really wanting to fall asleep in order to avoid them.

 

GreenIce, Mrs, the hopping on one foot, beating two sticks  and walking, to get through a bad moment, do have validity. Yesterday I read that these are ways of oxygenating our brains, clearing them somehow.

It makes sense, all our symptoms stem from the brain ,it  clearly needs all the help it can get.

 

I find little facts like these, so comforting. It means we are, unwittingly doing the right thing, trying to survive and that is healthy in all this madness.

 

Happy healing to everybody.

[[ga...]]

Thanks for the responses Green and Sky..Yes these thoughts truly drive you crazy.  Last night was a bit better.  Slept okay and when I woke this morning I found I wasn't consumed with "negative thoughts".  I think peace mentioned positive affirmations are important.  I fully agree we need to change the tracks in our brains.  Whether this happens slowly on it's own or can be sped up...I don't know.  Anything that distracts and gets us off our depressing thoughts is good.  I still find mine deal with fears of being alone and what the heck my life will be like as I age.  Geeez! what a waste of time and energy.  Of course none of us can predict the future!  Just have to give it up...right.

[[Sk...]]

Thanks for the responses Green and Sky..Yes these thoughts truly drive you crazy.  Last night was a bit better.  Slept okay and when I woke this morning I found I wasn't consumed with "negative thoughts".  I think peace mentioned positive affirmations are important.  I fully agree we need to change the tracks in our brains.  Whether this happens slowly on it's own or can be sped up...I don't know.  Anything that distracts and gets us off our depressing thoughts is good.  I still find mine deal with fears of being alone and what the heck my life will be like as I age.  Geeez! what a waste of time and energy.  Of course none of us can predict the future!  Just have to give it up...right.

 

Garton, my thoughts dwell on the same things too.  Lonely old age, decay, death la-di-da. I try to face them with positive reading and positive videos. Avoiding the news when possible.

 

I can't take these things away, but I can avoid adding to them.

[[Gr...]]

Thanks everyone Green-- I have actually cried for it to stop too. Its like I'm just beating myself down all day everyday and I'm left with no self esteem and zero confidence i just hate who i am and then that just leads to depression, its a viscous circle. I'm sorry for anyone going through this, so thankful for all of you. Jenny

 

Jenny, the kicker is, all those bad feelings, once in a window aren't valid whatsoever.  But while they're happening they severely impact our lives.  I'm going to try the Hay affirmations, and keep reading the link I posted.  It seems like maybe paying less attention -- if I can remember that when it gets bad.  We need this to be over.  It's just been too long.

[[ga...]]

Sky...Putting a positive spin on the future is what has to be done to get past this.  Aftterall, we all know what the alternative to growing is.  I'd rather figure out how to make the 'golden years" tolerable if not enjoyable.

[[je...]]

Thanks for the responses Green and Sky..Yes these thoughts truly drive you crazy.  Last night was a bit better.  Slept okay and when I woke this morning I found I wasn't consumed with "negative thoughts".  I think peace mentioned positive affirmations are important.  I fully agree we need to change the tracks in our brains.  Whether this happens slowly on it's own or can be sped up...I don't know.  Anything that distracts and gets us off our depressing thoughts is good.  I still find mine deal with fears of being alone and what the heck my life will be like as I age.  Geeez! what a waste of time and energy.  Of course none of us can predict the future!  Just have to give it up...right.

 

 

Hi Garton--I find myself doing the same thing. Wondering what life will be like when my kids are all grown up and leave the home. Every time I think about it I get this lonely, dark, sad , creepy feeling and I think that is what my future will be like.  Your so right, it is a complete waste of energy yet I find myself thinking about it all the time.

[[je...]]

Coop--I got the health fears going on big time today. I just keep thinking--its been almost a year, you must be seriously ill with some sort of disease. My mind just feels so weird today, maybe a paranoid... I really hope this is all the benzos, its just so hard to believe I could be feeling this way after almost a year!! I keep doubting myself... Im so thankful for each of you, jenny

[[sa...]]

Day 6 of this wave. This is my longest in 5 months. The ringing and head pressure/vibration is making me sick. I can find no peace today. I paced the house all day. Can't even watch TV today with my skin crawling. Same irrational fears of losing my home, wife, not having enough to retire (i'm only 44), will I be sick forever, I will miss all of my son's childhood etc.. I can't make myself think of these things when in a window.

 

I pray the fear will leave us all soon. I'm thinking it is worse than my nausea symptom at this point. Sleep has been better the last few days. So one nice thing. I wake up terrified though. I don't know how much more of this I can take. So hard to keep on at these later months. I think we are so beat down at this point. Praying for a window for all of us soon...

[[fl...]]

Jenny, Garton, Green, Sky:  I am struggling with these same thoughts about my future.  Worrying about aging, being widowed, kids gone, declining health, death.  Feeling terribly guilty that I moved away from my parents 20 years ago...worried my own kids will be far away someday, and that I will deserve it for moving away from my own mother.  Dear God, I feel so much self-condemnation.  I feel like I am a failure in life.  Embarrassed that my family of origin is dysfunctional.  Fearing I'll repeat negative patterns with my own kids....on and on.

 

I'm sorry this was such a negative post.  This is the only safe place I have to lay it all out. 

[[je...]]

Sasquach and Floc, I have all of the same thoughts floating through my mind all day long. I feel as though Ive ruined my health, I took it for granted and now its gone. I feel like Im missing out on these years with my kids because Im not enjoying time with them because I feel sick all the time. The health and aging fears are just endless, I worry about my future constantly. We are all in this together

[[sa...]]

Jenny  ... Missing out on stuff with the kids is hard. My son was 8 when I started my taper in 2012 now he is 10 and the last nine months have been a horror show for him. I missed 3 summers now. My wife just ignores me know. I think she has become desensitized to me being sick all the time. Compassion is hard to come by. All she sees is me home, but not helping out and me being snappy. I don't mean to be like that but the benzo rage gets me at times. I need to find a way to contain it. It seems to be strong when the fear is strong. So not me...

[[Gr...]]

Yes Jen! I have so much to be thankful for, and I know this...here it comes...BUT...

 

I feel like I lost so much, I screwed up so much, I won't be able to fix this or make it better...

 

It sucks!

 

Maybe if my emotions came back it would be better, or maybe I would feel worse...I don't know!

 

I'm existing, going through motions, but not "LIVING"! I'm trying!

 

 

I struggled with that big time.  I really did mess some things up.  and I was sick in tolerance forever. But when your head clears, you will realize you're not as bad as you thought you were, and your life is not as bad as you think.  Just by not being on the meds, things are getting better already, you're getting better, and so is your family.  Even on our worst day of withdrawal, our minds are clearer than when we were on the drug.  We don't realize that because we feel so bad, but it's true. 

 

Today I woke up in a wave, and I thought I was going to have a bad day.  But now that my thinking is clearing up, I could remember waking up when I was still on benzos.  I was in bad tolerance.  For years I woke up with a jolt and a pounding heart.  That happened for a long time in w/d, but now it's starting to get better.  You will soon be "you"

[[Gr...]]

Day 6 of this wave. This is my longest in 5 months. The ringing and head pressure/vibration is making me sick. I can find no peace today. I paced the house all day. Can't even watch TV today with my skin crawling. Same irrational fears of losing my home, wife, not having enough to retire (i'm only 44), will I be sick forever, I will miss all of my son's childhood etc.. I can't make myself think of these things when in a window.

 

I pray the fear will leave us all soon. I'm thinking it is worse than my nausea symptom at this point. Sleep has been better the last few days. So one nice thing. I wake up terrified though. I don't know how much more of this I can take. So hard to keep on at these later months. I think we are so beat down at this point. Praying for a window for all of us soon...

 

Sasq, you're two weeks behind me.  My jump date is 11/15.  There is hope.  Coop and I both had the bad month 10 wave.  It should be breaking for you soon.  And yes, it's very bad.