6-12 month thread....

[[pe...]]

Just stopping in to say hello and I'm officially back in the classroom, a full day with 29 little sprites. I am grateful to be (momentarily) free from depression, but the cog fog and cement head sure do make the simplest things seem monumental. I'm hoping my better mood will carry me until my brain wakes up a bit.

 

I'm a little sad and nervous reading about the many sx my 6-12 month buddies are getting hit with. Dear goodness, how bad does it have to get? And if it gets that bad, how in the world am I going to work? I'm trying not to go there, but it's a little hard not to.

 

I hope you all get a break from your sx soon. We all could use a breather!

Off to go plan lessons for tomorrow, oof.

 

Peace

[[Co...]]

Peace.  It may be your work that will help you through. You seem to be side stepping the common 6 month monstor wave ( not at all to minimize your considerable waves with depression and misery). ..Sometimes I think those who plow througth while working have a more constant focus to combat the demands of the benzo beast to be front and center at all times. You are so very strong and committed...you are going to make it through this. ...29? Sprites?...that's alot of Sprites for one teacher I hope you have an assistant or intern helping you. .....wishing you peaceful sleep...coop

[[Gr...]]

Coop,

 

you say you were always a little anxious about medical stuff, like when your kids were little. And now your biggest fear is medical issues.  I mean this is a s/x, fear of dying, etc., most of us have had it in acute, and I have it, but it doesn't keep me up at night.  I am plagued by an extremely amplified version of certain negative thinking -- my fear is that people I love, or even just met and like, are certain to be killed in an accident.  like your medical concerns with your kids, it was mostly under control.  Now I find it's very distracting.  And I get other racing thoughts, really upsetting crazy stuff in my head, and it takes lots of work to shut it off.  So maybe the fears we have are just very magnified existing fears

[[Gr...]]

This is from River Wolf.  I thought it was really good.  Esp. Jadetortoise's comment and RW's response.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=97718.msg1251408#msg1251408

[[Co...]]

Green, I think there is truth to that. That our Achilles Heels in normal life got in our waybut we controlled them or they faded or they were in the background enough that we had normal lives. With w/d it seems like the mechanism that shuts it off or regulates it doesn't work anymore. When I am in a window my health fears are tamed...unless I have to go to the dentist ..but after I go to the dentist the fear goes away.  Just like in my pre-benzo life. Post benzo and if wavy the fears are like you describe...ever present and running rampent. ..I want the stop mechanism to work again. Even when I had worries about my kids being sick I could reason with myself.  I would run them to the Dr. too often and too soon.  not let them out of my sight when they were sick, but I could concentrate on other things...somewhat trust the doctors and when they got well I could let it go...although I will say that I was always kind of ' holding my breath " ..I ' hovered ' but I don't think I was obsessed..probably one worry away from obsessed.

...Well now I am just rambling. .In your normal life did you worry all the time about loved ones having accidents. ? ....Yes, I think " amplified " with no volume control describes it perfectly a d the lack of volume control is the w/d....am I 'getting it '? ....still cog fog in my head.

....How is your vertigo and Benzo flu? ......hope you have a restful night Green. ....coop

[[Co...]]

Green, I think I get it...is it like intrusive thoughts? ...they seem to have a force of their own. I am helpless with intrusive thoughts, for me they bleed through every distraction I tried.  ..coop

[[Co...]]

Green , I read thelink to River "s and Jade 's. conversation. I think they are talking about acceptance and surrender to ' it is what it is '....I can be in that space sometimes, but lose my peace with it in an anxiety wave...I have to do alot of mind work to maintain it, but I do think when I can find that space I do feel a powerful release from the grip of it. ...

.....What we ever do without BBs.  ?........coop.....

[[Ho...]]

Hi..

 

what you write I could have written, too..

Impossible!!!I thought by September I will be perfect, gaining my activity back..But no. I feel the same, it's a horrible journey.

It's not good to be so negative but what to say if the long waited for recovery is not coming..? I try to console myself with astrology..numerogy...making comparisons of past good times with the present nightmares. This cna give me comfort..

I am sure we will win just time is terribly slow.

 

I wish you the best, with love

 

Cathy

[[Sk...]]

Hi Sky...I was only able to have sips of gingeral ale or water..but I was so nauseous that I wasn't hungry...are you having problems with nausea?....

....Thank you for your very encouraging comments about your over all better healing...we all need to hear stories like yours. ....so glad you seem to have traveled through the worst of it. Did you have problems with head pressure? ....Did you get all of your previous energy back?

.....Happy healing to you Sky....coop....

 

Coop, GreenIce, thanks for worrying but I am " fine" stomach wise and dizziness wise. I am just gearing for it, would like to be prepared if it happens. THe dizziness, if it comes, I can't see myself researching it on benzobuddies while going through it.

Usually I try not to find out about new symptoms, out of fear of making myself more vulnerable. But I thought I would make an exception this time !

 

Head pressure, I have it now and again.  Last night I had it, but last night everything was quite awful.

 

GreenIce, you say that the anxiety is you. I wonder. I had it prior to CT but very little of me in the years before my ct was me.

For instance, I had chest pressure and under pressure, could not breathe. But it was the benzos, clearly. Otherwise, I would have had it also in these months. And I never had it before benzos.

 

I have memory issues, so I don't really remember who I was before.  Of course, whatever is here now we must learn to cope with it and I am learning, the hard way, that there are many ways to cope with it.

 

Coop,

 

you say you were always a little anxious about medical stuff, like when your kids were little. And now your biggest fear is medical issues.  I mean this is a s/x, fear of dying, etc., most of us have had it in acute, and I have it, but it doesn't keep me up at night.  I am plagued by an extremely amplified version of certain negative thinking -- my fear is that people I love, or even just met and like, are certain to be killed in an accident.  like your medical concerns with your kids, it was mostly under control.  Now I find it's very distracting.  And I get other racing thoughts, really upsetting crazy stuff in my head, and it takes lots of work to shut it off.  So maybe the fears we have are just very magnified existing fears

 

GreenIce, Coop, I am tortured by these thoughts of death. catastrophe, sickness, mayhem . At night it gets really out of control.  It gives me great relief to know this is wd but it is awful. Before wd, I was the person that comforted the worriers !

 

However I firmly believe that wd amplifies every thought that actually crossed our mind. So I try not to feed it anything.

 

Today, writing is so much harder. This post has taken me ages, in the meantime, 4 other people have posted. Arrgh !

 

Smiles to everybody.

[[ga...]]

Hi Sky and Coop....Last night I woke at 2:30 thinking about some horrible things.  Notably, the execution of the journalist by ISIS and how horrible that was and on top of that, losing my wife and being alone in my old age. I'm now 58 y/o. I have no idea why last night those two thoughts came together.  They have nothing to do with each other but I just couldn't let them go.  Why this happened...who knows.  It is now 7:00 a.m.  and I feel tired and mentally worn from only 4 hours of sleep.  I have to do better in staying in the moment.  So hard to do in the middle of the night when up.  That is the problem I have much of the time...I let my thoughts drift to things out in the future.

[[li...]]

Hi everyone, hope all are getting better.  Just stopping by here to say that I am trying my best to just cope with my external stressors. There seems to be someting empowering by believing that your actions are caused by old stress response habits and that you are control of them Vs. the benzo beast made me do it. There is no doubt that the benzo beast amplifies what we fear and think... But I think for me the beast has gotten small enough that I believe that I can tame it ... alothough it gets out of control from time to time... I guess for me what works is believing that I am mostly healed and that I can cope with whatever comes my way.. I know that "normal" peopel would be stressed with what I have going on in my life BUT I too am stressed and what I need to challange myself to do is that I do not get overly stressed or obsessive. There is no doubt that I have had a bad habit of catastrophising all my life and I must work on this.... I know there is still chemical anxiety going on for me  but I also think I must do my part to regulate it too. Just my two cents....

 

LIfe

[[li...]]

Just stopping in to say hello and I'm officially back in the classroom, a full day with 29 little sprites. I am grateful to be (momentarily) free from depression, but the cog fog and cement head sure do make the simplest things seem monumental. I'm hoping my better mood will carry me until my brain wakes up a bit.

 

I'm a little sad and nervous reading about the many sx my 6-12 month buddies are getting hit with. Dear goodness, how bad does it have to get? And if it gets that bad, how in the world am I going to work? I'm trying not to go there, but it's a little hard not to.

 

I hope you all get a break from your sx soon. We all could use a breather!

Off to go plan lessons for tomorrow, oof.

 

Peace

 

 

YOu are sooo healing Peace... I can see it... Distract and do not look back... Keep moving forward!

 

Life

[[Sk...]]

Garton, I hope you have some mild activities to fill in the time in wd. Some things, some activities do manage to block the thoughts.

You should experiment and see what works for you.

For example shopping is brutal for me, my mind just wanders on and on.

 

NIght is my bad time too. The things I think of !

I try to find strength in the fact that before wd I was not plagued by these morbid thoughts, I am sure of that, if it did not worry me then I can be tranquil. And do you know what my benzo voices did ? They regrouped and came  up with this solution : Before wd you were wrong, these concerns were right !

So last night in bed, with my book, a character dies. My brain goes " oh, me too, we all will, la-di-da" and I found the strenght to answer " I don't care, I am reading this book now ! "

Strangely enough it worked.

Sorry, I know how we sound nuts when we try to describe our thoughts but I think the dynamics are interesting. It isn't two voices, it is the two sides of our hurt, shocked brain.

 

Peace,  I understand you  being concerned about waves while teaching classes. But you will probably heal because you have to live up to the occasion. This could be the thing that gets  you though any future possible wave.

You are doing something amazing, don't worry about what people around you think, they do not have all the facts. Focus as best you can.

 

This is what I know...if your family is healthy and you are healthy you can lose everything else and and still find away to be ok....often what we think is the worst that can happen is really not the worst that can happen. .

 

Coop, this is so true. To bear in mind.

 

That said, today is bad. My period is due soon and my body is getting ready for the occasion.

 

When I have palps at night,  I tend to get closer to Mr Sky in bed but then the sound of his heartbeat  scares me too !

 

Smiles to all.

 

 

 

[[Gr...]]

Green, I think there is truth to that. That our Achilles Heels in normal life got in our waybut we controlled them or they faded or they were in the background enough that we had normal lives. With w/d it seems like the mechanism that shuts it off or regulates it doesn't work anymore. When I am in a window my health fears are tamed...unless I have to go to the dentist ..but after I go to the dentist the fear goes away.  Just like in my pre-benzo life. Post benzo and if wavy the fears are like you describe...ever present and running rampent. ..I want the stop mechanism to work again. Even when I had worries about my kids being sick I could reason with myself.  I would run them to the Dr. too often and too soon.  not let them out of my sight when they were sick, but I could concentrate on other things...somewhat trust the doctors and when they got well I could let it go...although I will say that I was always kind of ' holding my breath " ..I ' hovered ' but I don't think I was obsessed..probably one worry away from obsessed.

...Well now I am just rambling. .In your normal life did you worry all the time about loved ones having accidents. ? ....Yes, I think " amplified " with no volume control describes it perfectly a d the lack of volume control is the w/d....am I 'getting it '? ....still cog fog in my head.

....How is your vertigo and Benzo flu? ......hope you have a restful night Green. ....coop

 

Coop, thanks for this thoughtful response.  I'm struggling with unpleasant intrusive thoughts today.  Some not about car accidents, just mean spirited, ugly, angry, like a nest of angry hornets buzzing in my head.  I know the theme of the thoughts is loosely based on a legitimate issue I have, but this crazy invasion of my brain is way over the top and totally exhausting.  As soon as I opened my eyes the crazy buzzing in my head started.  Amplified, no volume control.  It's like I'm powerless to turn it off, and even when I engage with people out in the world the thoughts are wild in my head.  I think this is like being crazy, like hearing voices.

 

As far as the accident fears, I think that was rooted in normal fear of mortality.  I thought I had pretty much resolved it as a young girl in my 20s.

 

Yes, vertigo has passed.  Just very, very tired.  Are you still dealing with that?

 

Let's hope today is a good one.  Even if it doesn't start out very well, we have all day to turn it around.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi..

 

what you write I could have written, too..

Impossible!!!I thought by September I will be perfect, gaining my activity back..But no. I feel the same, it's a horrible journey.

It's not good to be so negative but what to say if the long waited for recovery is not coming..? I try to console myself with astrology..numerogy...making comparisons of past good times with the present nightmares. This cna give me comfort..

I am sure we will win just time is terribly slow.

 

I wish you the best, with love

 

Cathy

 

Cathy, the worst is over.  You're off since July? So you have 8 weeks?  It's going to get better. It takes a  little time.  Remember, the best thing is you're off the pills.

[[Gr...]]

Green , I read thelink to River "s and Jade 's. conversation. I think they are talking about acceptance and surrender to ' it is what it is '....I can be in that space sometimes, but lose my peace with it in an anxiety wave...I have to do alot of mind work to maintain it, but I do think when I can find that space I do feel a powerful release from the grip of it. ...

.....What we ever do without BBs.  ?........coop.....

 

Coop, I'm right there with ya.  I lost my peace these last couple of days.  I felt like as hard as I tried, I was losing it.  But I think that's okay, we're only human, we have to give ourselves a break.  This is so hard.  So I fall into despair a little, but I don't stay there, I pick myself up again.  I'm tired.  So I take a little rest and try again.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Sky...I was only able to have sips of gingeral ale or water..but I was so nauseous that I wasn't hungry...are you having problems with nausea?....

....Thank you for your very encouraging comments about your over all better healing...we all need to hear stories like yours. ....so glad you seem to have traveled through the worst of it. Did you have problems with head pressure? ....Did you get all of your previous energy back?

.....Happy healing to you Sky....coop....

 

Coop, GreenIce, thanks for worrying but I am " fine" stomach wise and dizziness wise. I am just gearing for it, would like to be prepared if it happens. THe dizziness, if it comes, I can't see myself researching it on benzobuddies while going through it.

Usually I try not to find out about new symptoms, out of fear of making myself more vulnerable. But I thought I would make an exception this time !

 

Head pressure, I have it now and again.  Last night I had it, but last night everything was quite awful.

 

GreenIce, you say that the anxiety is you. I wonder. I had it prior to CT but very little of me in the years before my ct was me.

For instance, I had chest pressure and under pressure, could not breathe. But it was the benzos, clearly. Otherwise, I would have had it also in these months. And I never had it before benzos.

 

I have memory issues, so I don't really remember who I was before.  Of course, whatever is here now we must learn to cope with it and I am learning, the hard way, that there are many ways to cope with it.

 

Coop,

 

you say you were always a little anxious about medical stuff, like when your kids were little. And now your biggest fear is medical issues.  I mean this is a s/x, fear of dying, etc., most of us have had it in acute, and I have it, but it doesn't keep me up at night.  I am plagued by an extremely amplified version of certain negative thinking -- my fear is that people I love, or even just met and like, are certain to be killed in an accident.  like your medical concerns with your kids, it was mostly under control.  Now I find it's very distracting.  And I get other racing thoughts, really upsetting crazy stuff in my head, and it takes lots of work to shut it off.  So maybe the fears we have are just very magnified existing fears

 

GreenIce, Coop, I am tortured by these thoughts of death. catastrophe, sickness, mayhem . At night it gets really out of control.  It gives me great relief to know this is wd but it is awful. Before wd, I was the person that comforted the worriers !

 

However I firmly believe that wd amplifies every thought that actually crossed our mind. So I try not to feed it anything.

 

Today, writing is so much harder. This post has taken me ages, in the meantime, 4 other people have posted. Arrgh !

 

Smiles to everybody.

 

Sky, you said so much I relate to today.  I was thinking before I got out of bed that I have two memories, withdrawal, and before withdrawal, and the before withdrawal is packed in a small box, like my whole life is broken down into one-typewritten line historical events, born, attended school, married, children born, employment dates.  That's it.  No human memories.

 

And the crazy thoughts.  Now I'm having trouble being around normal people because I wonder if people can hear the insanity in my head, can they look at me and know what I'm thinking?

 

People, these are real psych symptoms.  The only difference is I'm aware that I'm having them.  I worked in a state mental hospital for a while, and these are absolutely psychiatric s/x.  And it's absolutely exhausting trying to cope with them all day long.

 

Well, we can say a lot of things about withdrawal, but boring is not one of them.

[[Gr...]]

Hi Sky and Coop....Last night I woke at 2:30 thinking about some horrible things.  Notably, the execution of the journalist by ISIS and how horrible that was and on top of that, losing my wife and being alone in my old age. I'm now 58 y/o. I have no idea why last night those two thoughts came together.  They have nothing to do with each other but I just couldn't let them go.  Why this happened...who knows.  It is now 7:00 a.m.  and I feel tired and mentally worn from only 4 hours of sleep.  I have to do better in staying in the moment.  So hard to do in the middle of the night when up.  That is the problem I have much of the time...I let my thoughts drift to things out in the future.

 

Take comfort, Gart, in the knowledge you're not alone.  A lot of us are dealing with this now. 

 

You said in one of your posts that you felt fortunate you hadn't been plagued with a lot of the physical s/x that many get.  Well, let me tell you, these mental s/x are as bad as the physical, in some ways worse.  Don't think you got off easy.  I don't even think I could tell a therapist the crazy sh*t I have going on in my head. 

[[Sk...]]

GreenIce, I tried describing it this way. I said I did not have memory of the emotions.

 

You put it quite well, the facts are there. Born, raised school, etc but those facts don't qualify as memory, they don't even feel like my own.

 

Unrelated to this, I read that learning by rote, learning facts without an emotion meant to forget it sooner whereas things associated with emotions were unforgettable.

In a way, these two elements are connected . It gets us nowhere but hearing someone else talking about these things helps take away the fear these things elicite in us.

[[Gr...]]

GreenIce, I tried describing it this way. I said I did not have memory of the emotions.

 

You put it quite well, the facts are there. Born, raised school, etc but those facts don't qualify as memory, they don't even feel like my own.

 

Unrelated to this, I read that learning by rote, learning facts without an emotion meant to forget it sooner whereas things associated with emotions were unforgettable.

In a way, these two elements are connected . It gets us nowhere but hearing someone else talking about these things helps take away the fear these things elicite in us.

 

You said it well, Sky.  Emotional memory. 

 

Forgetting about the past for a moment, though, how about the present, are we creating memories now?  I have noticed that when something uncomfortable happens, like a personal interaction with someone where I have that self-edit thing going on, that I don't need to worry too much because the whole thing will be forgotten in a day.  It's really gone.  I don't think I'm generating memory now.

 

I hope this resolves. 

[[Sk...]]

Me too.

 

River Wolf said we don't remember much after. That's why writing here is so important. I know what you are thinking, who wants to remember ?

But this is a Tsunami and I do want to remember some things. This may be the greatest thing I have ever done, the biggest battle. I am winning and you bet I want to remember what the war was like and how we went around fighting it.

[[sa...]]

Well, Made it to month 10 but struggling. So much fear, anxiety, and crazy thoughts. I feel like i have electricity pumping through my body and causing a weird pressure in my brain. The nausea is back today as well.

 

I did have 5 real good window days last month, so I know healing is possible for me. I just get so depressed lately when I swing back into wave mode. It's hard to go from feeling 90% healed to 10% in a day.  I get so into living when in a window and then its gone and I'm sick again, crying and all that. So tired of this. I was hopeful of being healed by the holidays this year, but now I'm thinking not likely.

 

I started back working (from home) boss was nice enough to let me do that for a while. Hopefully I will heal in the next few months. I don't think they will let me work from home for too long.

[[mi...]]

sasquach.....I have the anxiety in my body and the head horrors, it is very discouraging at times....I also have such a a hard time when it lets up to where I can function and then it knocks me to my knees....I hope your windows reappear soon....this is such a hard journey....m

[[li...]]

Sasquach, congratulations on your 10th month.... We are a friendly group here.. some do not post here as much as they used to and it sad  to see them go but they must move on. Its great to see and hear from others...

 

Saquache, you will get better. Life will be much better. You made it so far.. the average time on benzo buddies is apparently 14 months,

 

Coop and the gang, you out there?

 

Life

[[...]]

Sasquach, congrats on 10 months off! Awesome!!

 

How nice that you can work from home for a while!!