6-12 month thread....

[[Gr...]]

This is going to be long-winded ... and please remember these are all “I-statements” ...

 

I am going to try to “lay” something out here ... and I hope there are bits in that may be helpful ... once again I am probably writing more for myself than for others ... selfish of me ... and that is my process ... as I have said I am a journaler from way back ...

 

The “story” of the “Three-Legged Stool” ...

 

The image here is of a “three-legged stool” ... a stool with three legs and a seat ...

 

What is “curious” about this stool is its “constantcy” ... its “duration” ... and its “stability” ...

 

And even more curious ... this stool lives is a land of stools ...

 

(Okay, you are starting to “get this” ... and ... if you have the time, don’t rush ahead of the story ... slow down ... stay with me ... savour each bit of the story ... if you choose, stay with me for a while ... for me, that is the wonder of “stories” ... oftentimes a story will “nourish” me if I allow it to “resonate” in my presence ... if I allow it in ... )

 

Being the “investigative journaler” that I am I decide to “examine” the stool ... three legs and a seat ...

 

A stool ... wonderously fashioned ... no “glue” ... no “fasteners” ... no “pieces” ... a stool created out of single piece of living wood ... whole ... complete ... perfect ... beautiful ... unique ... and alive ...

 

And all the other stools ... each wonderously fashioned ... each manifesting “stool-ness” in their own unique being ...

 

Three legs and a seat ... the legs of “body”, “mind”, “spirit” and the seat of “awareness”, living in a “story” chaptered by “experience” ... interacting within the community of stools ...

 

(Ahhhh ... my “stool-ness” ... just taking a few moments here to “experience” my “stool-ness” ... to “remember” my “stool-ness” ... “relaxing” into my “stool-ness” ... breathing ... breathing right here, right now ... breathing ... )

 

Here is a good “question” ... why is this mischievous old coot telling a story about a three-legged stool on BB? ...

 

A short time ago, he posted a “success story” ... he posted this story for himself ... marking a place/time in his recovery ... and in the hope that the story my contain bits of encouragement for others ... and the question arises why did he do it now ... he is not one hundred percent recovered ...

 

I wrote the story because I “remembered” my “stool-ness” ...

 

(And yes ... I do appreciate the marvelous play on the word “stool” ... I do “own” that I am often full of “stool” ... and that is one of the wonders of this process of recovery ... “identifying” what is “stool” and what is my “stool-ness” ... have some “fun” with it ... I do, every day ...)

 

Back to the three-legged stool ... the “body” leg ... experiencing the process of recovery ... whatever it is for you ... please acknowledge that it is a process of recovery ... and like every story, it has a commencement, a middle, and a resolution ... time will “recover” each of us ... and it may be that this process does not need a “response” from us ... our bodies know how to do this ... the most arduous part of this for me was “staying out of the way” ... “not interfering” ... “going” somewhere else in the land of distraction ... 

 

The “mind” leg ... my wondrous, beautiful, ever-active mind ... my “response engine” ... always trying to be ever helpful ... “do this” ... “try that” ... “why this” ... “why that” ... endlessly trying to “relieve” me of this “burden” of recovery ... endlessly trying to “riddle out” “what is happening?” ... thank you for your “attempts” mind, I appreciate all your “efforts” ... you cannot “do” this for me ... thank you for trying ... let it go ... let’s go work on a jigsaw puzzle for a while ... or cook dinner ... or figure out when Endeavour becomes Morse ... anything other than trying to “solve” the riddle of recovery ...

 

The “spirit” leg ... steadfast ... resolute ... courageous ... loving ... the quiet background music constantly playing its soothing reframes ... “self-encouragement” ... the echo of my wellness ... so long forgotten ... so gradually being remembered ... my kindness for myself ... gentleness ...

 

The seat of “awareness” ... holding my “story” as it “chapters” through this experience of recovery ... my “container” ... my sense of “wholeness” so often subsumed by the “feelings” of fear, panic, dread ... the “feeling” of the “endlessness”, the “relentlessness” of this experience ... and for me, that was/is so much of the “confusion” of this experience of recovery ... the myriad, always disappearing/reappearing “feelings” ...

 

(I truly wonder ... is it our experience of “feelings” that we name as the “window/wave” quality of this recovery process ... as the sense of “non-linearity” we experience ... and is it here that the value of “distraction” manifests ... and is it here that moving into our “senses” allows us “space” to just let our “feelings” be there and diminish in intensity or change in “time” ... I do not know ... not enough hindsight yet ... )

 

So ... this is the story of the Three-Legged Stool ... “feeling” wobbly, “feeling” unsafe ... “feeling” weak ... “feeling” confused ... “feeling” empty ... “feeling” exhausted ... yet all the time solid, well-made, grounded, balanced ...

 

Hope this helps a bit ...

 

 

Nova, this is just what the doctor ordered... I did not jump ahead but went right through it! Very well said!  I wonder if what remains for us has anything to do with biology? I wonder if what is in front of us is the leg of "awareness"?... That is the leg of understanding that what we went through was traumatic and difficult for anyone....the biological healing of our brains... Some might not want to accept that what basically sits in front of us is emotional and not biological healing.. I think it is a great concept because if what we are now going through is the emotional and the cognitive realm... then that is something that we can all work on and get out of... That is why I believe that Peace will heal quicker... she will be challenged by her job and distracted... If I am to believe  that what is in-front of us is cognitive and not biological any more then that has a sense of healing already. I do believe that our brains my be up regulating BUT I think allot of what I am going through is about acceptance and letting go..

 

 

Life

 

Life, I agree, we still have some physiological stuff going on, but I agree a good part is emotional, cognitive.  And I'm so glad Nova touched on the spiritual, because this whole process has been threefold, emotional, physical, and spiritual.  There's no way to go through what we have and be whole again without healing in all three spheres.

[[Gr...]]

God Bless your heart ( literally..lol)....your post regarding your dizziness and nausea eased my worries. " just short of the spins "...I hate it that you have this but it is such a reassurance that you can share it with me. It woke me up in the middle of the night with that ' rotational ' feeling of slowly moving my body to the right in a circle. Couldn't turn my head or move without a wave getting out of bed required holding onto the edge of the bed to stay balanced as the floor seemed so uneven...can't even say how much I hate this ( like anyone enjoys it?)...

.....At least I am not convinced that I am dying ( or if I am I am just to worn out to really care). My eyes are wonky and I only feel relief by lying on the bed...another bed day ...really?....

My head and ears are pressured ...but the step forward is that I am 95% convinced it really is " just w/d and not fatal...that is improvement for me..

...Green...what do you do to survive the dizziness/nausea?

.........I hope you feel better Green,  I hate it that you feel bad. Do you have to stay down to manage it? ..  tthinking of you today friend....coop

 

Actually, Coop, I felt like a terrible louse when I got the dizziness and nausea so bad this morning (it was awful, couldn't tolerate direct sunlight, thought a migraine was coming on, and it wouldn't pass.)  I felt like a louse because I was telling you hang in there all week when you had it, hang on, this too shall pass, and all that happy crap, and when I got it really bad I got my a$$ whooped.

 

What did I do?  Drank a diet coke and took an OTC nexium for the nausea, pulled all the shades down to darken the room.  I tried laying on the couch but got up because I felt the spins coming on -- I think this is vertigo.  I had mild nausea and dizziness all week long, nothing like this.  It got less intense as the day went on, better if I could distract, talk on the phone, etc., but it never completely went away.  It's tolerable now, at 10 p.m. I'm really hoping this doesn't take off, get worse.  It's almost impossible to manage.

[[Gr...]]

God Bless your heart ( literally..lol)....your post regarding your dizziness and nausea eased my worries. " just short of the spins "...I hate it that you have this but it is such a reassurance that you can share it with me. It woke me up in the middle of the night with that ' rotational ' feeling of slowly moving my body to the right in a circle. Couldn't turn my head or move without a wave getting out of bed required holding onto the edge of the bed to stay balanced as the floor seemed so uneven...can't even say how much I hate this ( like anyone enjoys it?)...

.....At least I am not convinced that I am dying ( or if I am I am just to worn out to really care). My eyes are wonky and I only feel relief by lying on the bed...another bed day ...really?....

My head and ears are pressured ...but the step forward is that I am 95% convinced it really is " just w/d and not fatal...that is improvement for me..

...Green...what do you do to survive the dizziness/nausea?

.........I hope you feel better Green,  I hate it that you feel bad. Do you have to stay down to manage it? ..  tthinking of you today friend....coop

 

Coop, this is absolutely withdrawal.  I'm almost certain it's vertigo, which I had intermittently, mildly, earlier in withdrawal.  It's common.  I just hope it's transient. 

[[Co...]]

Green!...that was exactly the route of my vertigo.. exactly! . I think your miserable dizziness will peak. I' felt somewhat betteer today,  the dizziness was less but I feel really sick even though the nausea is better I am pummeled...can't stay up more than 30 minutes and had that weird 'flu ' sleep...full of odd awake dreams. waking up disoriented....but..dizziness and head pressure bettersnd best of all NO anxiety!.....maybe it is an actual viral bug...doesn't matter..I just want to get over it.

.....I tried to pm you today but lost the whole text. My eyes just wouldn't operate right.

..Green your posts last week helped me so much. I want this miserable dizziness/nausea/ benzo flu to be over for you. It sounds like you experienced the worst of it todayand you will have another dizzy day, but not as bad and then a few days of feeling like a dishrags with no real cognitive ability. I felt completely unable to think in any kind of productive way today. I had to make one phone call today and it wiped me out.Talking has made me feel sicker allthrough this.

....Green, I think you will start to feel better in another day. ...so sorry you havee this...I am thinking of you dear friend...I will check in tomorrow and see how you are doing...coop

 

[[Co...]]

Buddies...I will jump back on the thread tomorrow....just feeling to crappy tonight and so my eyes still wonky. ..wishing everyone a restful night...love you all so much....coop

[[fl...]]

Hi Sussie.  You asked about my mental symptoms.  I'm doing a lot better now, but still struggle with health anxiety for me and my family, some catastrophic thinking, (but it's improved a lot), and just general sensitivity to stress.  Other than that, I feel really good.  Best wishes to you as you continue to heal!

 

[[mr...]]

Hi floc,

 

I understand what you're saying. I am feeling so much better as of late, and now find myself kind of "relearning" how to think about things in life, without benzo withdrawal influence. I am thankful to be here, but also looking forwards to being being "back", and even better than before. Thank you Lord for this victory!!

 

Love to you all We are making progress all the time Take care,

 

Mrs.

[Guest [su...]]

i have body numbness today, like inner numbness if that makes sense i could bite my tongue off and wouldn't feel it.. anyone here of ths during w/d , please let me know. i wonder if there is something else wrong with me??? should i go to a doctor??

[[La...]]

i have body numbness today, like inner numbness if that makes sense i could bite my tongue off and wouldn't feel it.. anyone here of ths during w/d , please let me know. i wonder if there is something else wrong with me??? should i go to a doctor??

 

Hi sussie:

 

If you are really concerned you could go to the doctor but during my taper I had numbness all over my face and mouth including my teeth. Very strange indeed, but it sounds like a gift of the ativan. The gift that keeps giving. I dont have this sx anymore but if i remember correctly we had very different time scales for weaning off ativan which may explain our different sx resolution.

 

laser

[[li...]]

i have body numbness today, like inner numbness if that makes sense i could bite my tongue off and wouldn't feel it.. anyone here of ths during w/d , please let me know. i wonder if there is something else wrong with me??? should i go to a doctor??

 

It probably is nothing but I would definitely go to a doctor if I were you...It might be something very simple Susie.. Go to a doctor.

 

Life

[[Gr...]]

Green!...that was exactly the route of my vertigo.. exactly! . I think your miserable dizziness will peak. I' felt somewhat betteer today,  the dizziness was less but I feel really sick even though the nausea is better I am pummeled...can't stay up more than 30 minutes and had that weird 'flu ' sleep...full of odd awake dreams. waking up disoriented....but..dizziness and head pressure bettersnd best of all NO anxiety!.....maybe it is an actual viral bug...doesn't matter..I just want to get over it.

.....I tried to pm you today but lost the whole text. My eyes just wouldn't operate right.

..Green your posts last week helped me so much. I want this miserable dizziness/nausea/ benzo flu to be over for you. It sounds like you experienced the worst of it todayand you will have another dizzy day, but not as bad and then a few days of feeling like a dishrags with no real cognitive ability. I felt completely unable to think in any kind of productive way today. I had to make one phone call today and it wiped me out.Talking has made me feel sicker allthrough this.

....Green, I think you will start to feel better in another day. ...so sorry you havee this...I am thinking of you dear friend...I will check in tomorrow and see how you are doing...coop

 

Coop,  I was the same, the nausea was unbelievable. And I did feel mild benzo flu, it was just overshadowed by the nausea and dizziness.  And you're right, in the midst of it, it was impossible to be on the computer, or do anything.

 

I hope you're right, that it peaked and is gone. I remember something like this in acute.  It didn't last long then either.

 

It's really unbelievable that we're getting hit like this after ten solid months.  This is pretty severe.  But it's very, very comforting to be able to walk each other through it.

 

Floc, like you, I am sooo grateful for the site, this thread, these people.  I've been saying that since I joined, what in the world would I have done without support?  Would I have even made it?  I don't think so.

[[Gr...]]

Hi floc,

 

I understand what you're saying. I am feeling so much better as of late, and now find myself kind of "relearning" how to think about things in life, without benzo withdrawal influence. I am thankful to be here, but also looking forwards to being being "back", and even better than before. Thank you Lord for this victory!!

 

Love to you all We are making progress all the time Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs. , I love the "relearning" and "reentry" kind of posts.  It's so positive and hopeful when I hear someone getting ready to embrace life again, benzo free.  We get so hung up on how sick we are for so long, we forget our goal -- living life benzo-free!  Yay for you.

[[Gr...]]

Hi, All

 

Like Coop, I've gotten hit with the vertigo.  I'm hoping it's not as severe today as yesterday.  The nausea is here, though.  Taking small baby steps, but stepping nevertheless.  Channeling Nova, this is a chop wood, carry water day.

[[mr...]]

Hi floc,

 

I understand what you're saying. I am feeling so much better as of late, and now find myself kind of "relearning" how to think about things in life, without benzo withdrawal influence. I am thankful to be here, but also looking forwards to being being "back", and even better than before. Thank you Lord for this victory!!

 

Love to you all We are making progress all the time Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs. , I love the "relearning" and "reentry" kind of posts.  It's so positive and hopeful when I hear someone getting ready to embrace life again, benzo free.  We get so hung up on how sick we are for so long, we forget our goal -- living life benzo-free!  Yay for you.

 

Thank you, Green

 

I find myself resisting the urge to be frustrated at the same time. I want to stretch my boundaries that were created in withdrawal and regain all that was temporary "lost", but at the same time I do not want to do too much too quickly either. I am allowing more time to pass before reentering a few things, but am eager to do so as soon as possible One day at a time, and patience in all things. I trust my Lord to guide me on when to do things next. There is no "rush" in Him, after all

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[li...]]

caught a little window of total calm here... going to deal with some stressful situations tomorrow. I realise that I am really someone that has to give up the art of "catastrophising"...it may have worked for me in the past but it sure does not work anymore...I Pray to God for ultimate healing for all... In a little thought process lately that doubts whether this is all still benzo related... I think it is but I doubt myself allot lately. Do others doubt allot if what we are going through is benzos or "us"?

 

Love to hear?

 

Life

[[Sk...]]

caught a little window of total calm here... going to deal with some stressful situations tomorrow. I realise that I am really someone that has to give up the art of "catastrophising"...it may have worked for me in the past but it sure does not work anymore...I Pray to God for ultimate healing for all... In a little thought process lately that doubts whether this is all still benzo related... I think it is but I doubt myself allot lately. Do others doubt allot if what we are going through is benzos or "us"?

 

Love to hear?

 

Life

 

I thought I had the answer but the truth is, insecurity lurks and pounces now and then on my being sure it is wd .

My memory is benzo affected, I can't make comparisons with before, but Mr Sky is absolutely certain it is wd.

The docs at the hospital, when I was delirious after the operation, tried to convince him that I had a pre existing condition  and he never, ever  believed them. So his unwavering faith in me gives me so much  strength, even though wd is a powerful beast.

 

Thankfully, even when in doubt, there is bb  !

 

GreenICe, Coop, the nausea you had, did you have to skip meals or do anything special besides bearing with it ?

 

Good night everybody. I am off. Healing is coming. Slowly.

 

[[Gr...]]

Hi floc,

 

I understand what you're saying. I am feeling so much better as of late, and now find myself kind of "relearning" how to think about things in life, without benzo withdrawal influence. I am thankful to be here, but also looking forwards to being being "back", and even better than before. Thank you Lord for this victory!!

 

Love to you all We are making progress all the time Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

Mrs. , I love the "relearning" and "reentry" kind of posts.  It's so positive and hopeful when I hear someone getting ready to embrace life again, benzo free.  We get so hung up on how sick we are for so long, we forget our goal -- living life benzo-free!  Yay for you.

 

Thank you, Green

 

I find myself resisting the urge to be frustrated at the same time. I want to stretch my boundaries that were created in withdrawal and regain all that was temporary "lost", but at the same time I do not want to do too much too quickly either. I am allowing more time to pass before reentering a few things, but am eager to do so as soon as possible One day at a time, and patience in all things. I trust my Lord to guide me on when to do things next. There is no "rush" in Him, after all

 

Take care,

 

Mrs.

 

Yes, Mrs., I stumbled on that in my seventh month, felt a little better, wanted it all wanted to be "back."  And it was a recipe for disaster.  I was very frustrated, started looking at my remaining "deficits" instead of at all the progress.  Today I'm quite wavy but I keep redirecting my thoughts to how much better I am and how most of this evaporates when the wave ends.

 

Anyway, I'm really glad you're feeling better 

[[Gr...]]

caught a little window of total calm here... going to deal with some stressful situations tomorrow. I realise that I am really someone that has to give up the art of "catastrophising"...it may have worked for me in the past but it sure does not work anymore...I Pray to God for ultimate healing for all... In a little thought process lately that doubts whether this is all still benzo related... I think it is but I doubt myself allot lately. Do others doubt allot if what we are going through is benzos or "us"?

 

Love to hear?

 

Life

 

Life, glad you mentioned that.  It occurred to me that a lot of my racing thoughts and anxiety, though more intense than what I remember, is the real me.  I remember pre-benzo having this.  True, w/d amplifies everything, but I think this is me.  I didn't take Xanax for anxiety initially, but I sure had it.  So now I'm a lot older, I'm 56, my kids are young adults, and I'm really trying to change that, which is very hard because it's my default and it sneaks up on me.  I'm trying to change because I'm killing myself and not enjoying life being this way.  It's work.  It took me all morning to get myself on a more positive track.  It's like I have to be the thought police, I have to go into my head and remove those negative perp thoughts, sometimes multiple times a day.  But I think if I work at it I'll get better at it.  I have to do this.  I can't live in my head when it's crazy

[[Gr...]]

caught a little window of total calm here... going to deal with some stressful situations tomorrow. I realise that I am really someone that has to give up the art of "catastrophising"...it may have worked for me in the past but it sure does not work anymore...I Pray to God for ultimate healing for all... In a little thought process lately that doubts whether this is all still benzo related... I think it is but I doubt myself allot lately. Do others doubt allot if what we are going through is benzos or "us"?

 

Love to hear?

 

Life

 

I thought I had the answer but the truth is, insecurity lurks and pounces now and then on my being sure it is wd .

My memory is benzo affected, I can't make comparisons with before, but Mr Sky is absolutely certain it is wd.

The docs at the hospital, when I was delirious after the operation, tried to convince him that I had a pre existing condition  and he never, ever  believed them. So his unwavering faith in me gives me so much  strength, even though wd is a powerful beast.

 

Thankfully, even when in doubt, there is bb  !

 

GreenICe, Coop, the nausea you had, did you have to skip meals or do anything special besides bearing with it ?

 

Good night everybody. I am off. Healing is coming. Slowly.

 

Sky, when it got really bad I took a nexium, which I'm trying to get off, (I had bad gastritis when I was using Xanax.  Trying to see if this goes away now)  I did skip breakfast because I was most nauseous in the a.m.  And drank diet coke to settle my stomach

 

Sorry if this is coming up for you.

 

Sue

[[Co...]]

Hi Sky...I was only able to have sips of gingeral ale or water..but I was so nauseous that I wasn't hungry...are you having problems with nausea?....

....Thank you for your very encouraging comments about your over all better healing...we all need to hear stories like yours. ....so glad you seem to have traveled through the worst of it. Did you have problems with head pressure? ....Did you get all of your previous energy back?

.....Happy healing to you Sky....coop....

[[Co...]]

Floc...you sound so good entering the eleventh (?) month...very encouraging for the perestroika of u . Health fears are my worst mental s/x. They clear up greatly when I am at baseline ( 70-75%  sometimes 80%). During z window they are no more than an everyday normal person. in their 60 s.....I am so glad to read that you are so improved in the first year...  coop

[[Co...]]

Sussie...how are you now? I had numbness on my cheek in month 9 ...it was scary, but others had posted about numbness so I relaxed about it a little and it eventually let up...just the same it is always good to check it out. If only for reassurance so the next time it happens ( seems like we never get a s/x less than a thousand times), you can reassure yourself that it is only w/d. I hope you are feeling better...In my entire 63 years before benzos I never felt so many crazy body s/x. Any one of them would have sent me to urgent care before. ...Wishing you sunbreaks...coop

[[mr...]]

Sky, I know you didn't ask me but I thought I'd interject what I did during nausea

 

I ate multiple times per day, in smaller 200-300 calorie quantities. I ate high-calorie items, like nuts, or adding butter to things, chips (corn chips, potato chips, & sweet potato chips mostly), chicken, fish, etc. I ate lots of other things, just in smaller 200-300 calorie quantities. The other things I ate tended to be lower sugar, higher calorie, lower carb, etc. I often bought organic. I also drank a stevia-sweetened meal replacement shake. Recently, I just tried a vegetable drink (similar to V-8, but a little different ). For me, around the time I started taking a probiotic, my stools started firming up again (they were very loose), and the nausea settled. This was more an answer to prayer than the probiotic, though, I believe (or the probiotic was His answer to my prayer).

 

I hope you're feeling better soon! No matter, your body is manifesting your healing all the time! Take care,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Life, so glad to hears that you caught some peace today. ..You need a space of peace to catch your breath.. its been tough for you lately. ...There is a great book, " Full Catastrophic Living "...a big book, bug alot of very good coping strategies. Nova would remember the author, but in my cog fog I can not access his very well known reliable name ( John Zin.  something something). I did not dream up catastrophic scenarios before benzos unless they were medical situations with my kids.  a cold was surely strep throat.  colic was surely an u diagnosed dire medical problem.  Most of my friends are RNs xo over the years I have heard and learned just enough to number.p to the worse. Other things didn't bother me....until now.. and stress makes everything bigger now. Like Green I am always working on that worried worried inner dialouge. I seem to venture out cautiously for safe nonstressful fun activities. The least stress can set me back. I have sort of found that safe space of living between the safe zone and the slightly challenging zone. For now I have accepted that but I am getting mad about it and want to live life ad before.. excepting medical situations I was good with stress. I really don't know how you and Peace and HH and Mommy manage working ..working with young families no less. . This is what I know...if your family is healthy and you are healthy you can lose everything else and and still find away to be ok....often what we think is the worst that can happen is really not the worst that can happen. .

....The doubt thing....yes...when my s/x are intense or persistent ( in a wave one day feels like months) , I deal with doubt relentlessly. Need constant reassurance. On the boards by the hour. Perseverent worst case health scenarios. ...BBs and knowing that others have the same s/x and got through them is the ONLY thing that gets me through those days. ...If I am at baseline or better, in a wave the doubt is no more than the norm person I used to be and I trust the process.

.....Life,  you are going to have more of those peaceful spaces....we all are. ....coop

[[Co...]]

* in a window*...in a window my doubts are no more than the normal...... " ....cog fog is big today