6-12 month thread....

[[...]]

Congrats Benzodiazepunk!! 11 months! Awesome!

 

[[Mo...]]

Mommy checking in...

 

I am sorry if my communication confused you.  I asked, told and almost demanded to go to ER, but hubby wouldn't agree.  He dealt with this a lot with me in the past.  We are visiting family (MIL, aunts and grandma) up north in San Fran.  My husbands two aunts are nurses but they were asleep when this hit.  This was straight from my acute days. Haven't had anything like this since Dec-Jan.  I am not saying this to frighten.  I wanted to validate others.  I was able to sleep in after my heart slowed.  When I woke I was able to be emotionally present for all the activities.  I am not curled up in the fetal position.  There is fear and panic rumbling beneath me and my head is burning but I am very functional.  It is like I'm normal but add panic and fear onto that. Not panic fear and cog fog, etc.  This has not taken me over.  I am adding this so you know I'm not knocked off my feet even tho it was tsunami worthy.

 

Two hours into this wave one of the aunts woke up and came downstairs.  She took my heart rate and calmed me.  She assured me I would not have a stroke. I do believe these are valid fears.  I don't have the answer on when you should go to ER, however, I called detox dr today to say what happened.

 

The first thing asked was did I take any benzo.  I said no, they said good.  We talked about my concerns about health and will be going in next week.  They said if I did go to ER that we do not ever need to be treated with benzo..only to have our bp and heart rate dealt with.  We can safely go to ER and not have drugs pushed on us for brain stuff. 

 

Coop- I think I will ask for a work up.  I've had EKG and ultrasound done, but like you, the seed of another illness was put in my mind.  I try not to mention specifics because I also feel at times the power of suggestion works on me when I read s/x.  That's why I wanted to stay off the boards today.

 

I am going to read every success story posted and reposted.  There is no way this isn't w/d.  No way.  At this point I just want to physically make it.  Yesterday we drive up here because I had started panicKing Tuesday night and didn't want to get on the airplane. Hubby cancelled the flights, woke me early to say we would drive.  We had a great talk on the way here.  I told him how my counselor had told me I could get certified in a year to work with Drug and Alcohol recovery and could specialize in benzo.  Hubby and I were also talking about writing a benzo s/x tracker app.  Hubby was excited and onboard.  Totally supportive.  There was nothing to think I'd have this happen other then the prior nights sleep and the stuff happening during the week.  The Dr said this episode doesn't mean anything.  Just a blip.

 

Coop posted an amazing truth about not multi tasking and taking time to appreciate the movement of things like a child's perspective.  I was in deep prayer during this episode last night. Making all kinds of deals with God.  We should cherish every normal minute we get thru this.  Thank you for that wisdom.  I tend to judge my success by how many plates I can spin.  How wrong I was. 

 

I saw the part about reinstating and I am so sorry this struggle has you even considering this thought.  Life I am going to pray your perspective changes on the event ahead of you.  This is a mind game. If the view of what you are facing can change then your mind will take that stressor off the plate.

 

This irrational stuff is tricky.  I have great victory over it but last night.. No so much.  My plan is to read all the suggested posts.  Thank God for those who go before us!!

 

 

Thank you everyone who reached out and prayed for me.  I am so thankful and feel very loved.  We just have to make it thru.  I know this to be true.  Tonite I will pray for all of us again.  I just want to sleep and not wake crazed.  I pass on the words to you from my doctor. 'We are so proud of you for making it this far.  Keep going forward. This attack doesn't mean anything negative about your progress'.

 

MommyR

[[mr...]]

Right on MommyR. Right on.

 

Love you,

 

Mrs.

[[Co...]]

Mommy...so happy to hear from you. Lovely post. You navigated your scary night so well. I have been panic free since June ( a few ' on the edge ' anxiety attacks) ...then out of the blue...just sitting in the PT waiting room...Boom!!...sudden dizziness..nausea and dissociation. ...I was not expecting that at 20 months...Monday at well check with my pdoc...same thing..exactly like acute. I have been 'gathering ' myself for 2 days and recovering...onward.

.....If you haven't read Analog 's success story, it will put the ground back under your feet. One of the best success stories I have read..it is titled, "Healing After Seven Year Coma "...or something close to that. He didn't really have a coma...his story is stunning and beautifully written It will give you a big shot of confidence.

...Thank you for sending out prayers for all of us. ...You will be glad for the cardiac study...it will put your mind at rest that all the scary things we experience are indeed w/d.

......I love the idea of being a drug counselor...Lord knows we need people helping us through benzo w/d who know what we are going through. I would give anything to have a counselor who had gone through this...you would be wonderful.

.....sleep well Mommy......coop

[[Co...]]

* 10....* ..10 months out...not 20...these keys on my smart phone are so tiny...

 

[[Co...]]

Life, this post is written. with you in mind. ...This is absolutely the strangest process we will ever experience...I have been in a blue funk wave for about. a week...aback one with panic ,dizziness and desperation. This morning I was miserable and scared ..all day. ...This evening I dozed off and woke up..not with head jerks, cortisol surge or dread. I woke up with the opposite of a nightmare..I woke up with the very distinct feeling of healing.. a window....at the end of a very crap day. It was even more than that. It was such a strong feeling of ' something just shifted ' ...towards healing. I went to sleep in one state and woke up in a completely different state. I know how insane this sounds especially following the frantic craziness of the last 2/3 days. It is pretty unbelievable. I know I could wake up and be back in. wave in the morning. but I am savoring this for the evening...Usually my ' other world ' experiences are of the wavy type. This was a profound sense of healing happening while I slept. I am not manic or taking any adjunct meds...I simply fixed off in. wave and woke up in a window feeling that some healing had taken place. ...As whackadoodle as all that sounds I wanted to share it.....hope it holds for at least a little while.....

........Goodnight friends...wishing you all peaceful rest and sunbreaks that don't go away...coop

[[...]]

Mommy, so glad you made it through your rough night! You did such an awesome job! Good for you!

 

Healing, healing, healing!!

 

:smitten:

[[Mo...]]

Life, this post is written. with you in mind. ...This is absolutely the strangest process we will ever experience...I have been in a blue funk wave for about. a week...aback one with panic ,dizziness and desperation. This morning I was miserable and scared ..all day. ...This evening I dozed off and woke up..not with head jerks, cortisol surge or dread. I woke up with the opposite of a nightmare..I woke up with the very distinct feeling of healing.. a window....at the end of a very crap day. It was even more than that. It was such a strong feeling of ' something just shifted ' ...towards healing. I went to sleep in one state and woke up in a completely different state. I know how insane this sounds especially following the frantic craziness of the last 2/3 days. It is pretty unbelievable. I know I could wake up and be back in. wave in the morning. but I am savoring this for the evening...Usually my ' other world ' experiences are of the wavy type. This was a profound sense of healing happening while I slept. I am not manic or taking any adjunct meds...I simply fixed off in. wave and woke up in a window feeling that some healing had taken place. ...As whackadoodle as all that sounds I wanted to share it.....hope it holds for at least a little while.....

........Goodnight friends...wishing you all peaceful rest and sunbreaks that don't go away...coop

 

You might have written that for Life but it was music to my ears. 

 

Still riding my wave.  It's very odd.  I am fully present emotionally but hot with the fear/panic/terror.. 

 

Last night I took each of your names and specific requests out to my car and prayed over you with my mom.  Floc, Free and Sussie we prayed for big huge windows.. Actually we prayed for everyone that they would get windows...  I will be very happy when this one goes away. 

 

As my hubby says, maybe this is the big last one!  Yes!

[[Sk...]]

Ok, I am going to steal some of the limelight here !

 

Today, is my 10 month anniversary ! YAY ! One baby step forward, putting my ct further away  in the past and getting me slowly closer to my healing date that is waiting for me out there somewhere.

 

My life, my future, a better life with a much better Sky is going to start. It has started already, I realize that.

 

It started that day in March when I started planning my days more carefully than if I was a CEO.

 

I  plan my days because I am in wd, and wd has many plans for me but, hopefully I can get a few things of my own done as well.  I have a lot of time, which is all the more reason to plan carefully so as to be able to say, at the end of the day, wow, I was able to do a few of the things I love today, in between one palp and some muscle pain.

 

Many days the planning is of no help but at least I stand a chance. I even try to  plan the time I spend on BB.

 

I wake up as early as if I had an appointment  and, in a way, I do. The rest of my life is waiting for me.

 

Going to water the plants ? Ok what should I wear for the occasion ?

 

MommyR it is so great that you and your husband are making plans for the immediate future. If you feel like it, I would love to hear more about the app idea, it's  fun and it concerns the future, getting something good out of this.

 

At 10 months, what are my new objectives ? Well, I hope that within Christmas I might be able to actually read some of  buddies posts that are still beyond me because my eyes can't read posts not divided in very simple paragraphs. I will know that I am much much better when that happens !

 

Off to lunch, homemade pizza awaits me.

 

Sorry for the lengthy speech but I am very excited about today and I want to make a big deal out of it.

[[Mo...]]

Mommy, so glad you made it through your rough night! You did such an awesome job! Good for you!

 

Healing, healing, healing!!

 

:smitten:

 

Hey you!!!  Thank you for that.  I hope I get sleep somewhere!!  Are you doing great??

 

 

Hugs

[[Mo...]]

Sky, great job on making a plan for the day!  Very purposeful and I believe you wil find success with it.  Very proud of you!  Will break my post up for you.

 

Yes, I will describe the app but because I don't know the programming language hubby was looking up some courses for me.  There might be some template apps it can manipulate.

 

The app would be similar to a menstrual cycle tracker but for s/x instead.  The home tab would be a calendar.  Each day will have an options once you click inside them. 

 

There will be a list of s/x to check off with a sml md lrg ranking.  There would be a note spot.  Monthly progression can be tagged. You can click the beginning and end of a wave or window. 

 

There should be a report chart and the option to print your days out say for a dr or counselor.

 

You could journal too but that's a lot for you to do from a phone.  Might want to keep that stuff in the boards. 

 

Anyways, that's the stuff I day dream since my benzo journey started.

 

I have also thought about an internet or radio station for peeps like us. 

 

Enjoy the pizza!!

[[...]]

Congrats Sky!! 10 months is awesome!! You are doing great!

 

Mommy, I didn't sleep well the last couple of nights and I'm having a couple of issues. Hoping it passes quickly!

 

Hope you have improved!

 

[[No...]]

Sky ... 

 

Hope you have a wonderful day ... "planning" sounds like a marvelous process for you ...

 

[[No...]]

GMIT and Mommy ... sleep is such a disconcerting experience during this process ... hope you both get the rest you need ...

 

I am doing "okay" ... been watching how my "mind" interacts with all this stuff ... the more I watch the better I understand that my mind does have a direct effect on how I experience this process ... and learning more how "stress" generates in the moment from my mind ... yes, there is much "outside" stress ... that's the easy stuff for me ... it's my own stuff that is very messy ...

 

Hope you have a good day ...

 

[[ga...]]

Hi Nova....I know I can create stress in my own life by letting my mind go to places that do me no good whatsoever.  I can think of illogical things, such as, I am not feeling positive today, life is not going to be fun going forward, I'm miserable because of how I feel, asking questions such as why I am looking at negative things regarding my life rather than the positive.  The list could go on and on.  Yes the mind is responsible for a lot of stressors in or life.  We can create all kinds of imaginary things that are not true.  This is what has gotten me down recently.  I have to learn to channel my thoughts in a positive direction.  Some here say this is the result of using benzos.  I wish I knew for certain.  I had always been somewhat of a pessimist.  I don't ever remember getting  myself into a prolonged state of feeling "blue" because of my thoughts.  Is it just the fact I am almost 59 and looking at where my life is now and not having as much to look forward to or am I creating this mess.

[[fl...]]

Garton, I understand you so well.  I don't think it's your age...I truly think it's recovery.  I am younger than you (39), but struggling with the same pessimistic thought processes.  Every post you write, I am nodding my head.  I just think we need more time, I really do.

[[fl...]]

Dear Mommy,

 

Thank you and your "mommy" for the prayers.  I receive them!  Amen.

[[ga...]]

floc..I really do appreciate your responding to my posts.  Yep..I know I tend to be hard on myself.  I am sitting in a hotel by myself this morning letting those negative thoughts permeate my mind.  I put up my futile effort to block or change them.  Seems, recently, that's been an ongoing battle for me.  One that I am not winning at the moment.  I actually got 5 hours of sleep last night which is good for me.  I was hoping that would help my thoughts be more positive or nonexistent this morning.  I  I truly want to believe that this is benzo recovery and that my mind will eventually junk this way of thinking and look at more of the day to day positive things in my life.  Thanks again for responding.  Very much appreciated!

[[be...]]

Buelah...so glad to hear that you are pulling away from your wave...gives the rest of us hope...You deserve it dear friend....lead the way...your peeps are following...does the dizziness ever let up? ...I am beginning to think mine might be a recurrence of my labrythinitis ..or Menniers or whatever my ENT is calling it..twitchy eye...but that happens in w/d too...realty doesn't make a difference...we can wear ourselves into the ground with all the ' what ifs '..

.....Keep it going Beulah....love to you friend...coop

 

Coop, the dizziness and nausea, I thought were gone. I had not had either of them for a couple of months. I just never know what the benzo beast will drop at my doorstep. I have no dizziness so far today, but I do have a little nausea that I think will let up my early evening.

 

Mommy- Happy to read you are ok.

 

Thinking of all of you. '' God promises he will put no more on us than we can bare''

 

[[...]]

Beulah, I'm interested in your thyroid issues! If you don't mind my asking!

 

I have Hashimotos, my TSH isn't off yet...docs should not treat by TSH but they do! When I can find a doc that will treat (early treatment slows thyroid destruction) I plan on using natural desiccated thyroid.

 

When did you find out you have thyroid issues? How long have you been on Synthroid? Do you feel better on it?

 

Any information would be appreciated!

 

[[Co...]]

Hi Nova! . . Happy to see you this morning...Yes, the mind is the source. I am working on the same.  I realize it is only my mind that creates fear...I am afraid of the same stuff I was afraid of when I went on the benzo 3.5 years ago. I am still here...and have handed over so many of my days to the Benzo Beast on a silver platter. ...Aftter disastearous experiences on b/p meds, supplements and vitamins, anti emetics and vertigo meds I have accepted the fact that for me there just is not a med that makes it all go away. I only have my mind.  The only way out is ..through. I have noticed ( with the help of my very supportive physician) that I hold my breath constantly. Do I am back to learning and re-learning relaxed breathing and shoulder dropping ( mine are usually up around my ears)

.....It is all of the ' what ifs ' that keep me trapped in the fear that holds the prison key to my clenched thoughts. I am revisiting my CBT training ....and simply being aware of my breathing ...throughout the day not just when I am feeling anxious. Living in the moment sounds so simple...it is so difficult to stay in the moment. .....

....I am not anti medications...but I do think we over use them for the smallest things and eacpect to fix ourselves and our lives with the help ( including medical advice...uugghh) through Big Pharma ...well this is devolving into a political rant

.....so good to see you Nova......coop

[[Sk...]]

Hi Nova! . . Happy to see you this morning...Yes, the mind is the source. I am working on the same.  I realize it is only my mind that creates fear...I am afraid of the same stuff I was afraid of when I went on the benzo 3.5 years ago. I am still here...and have handed over so many of my days to the Benzo Beast on a silver platter. ...Aftter disastearous experiences on b/p meds, supplements and vitamins, anti emetics and vertigo meds I have accepted the fact that for me there just is not a med that makes it all go away. I only have my mind.  The only way out is ..through. I have noticed ( with the help of my very supportive physician) that I hold my breath constantly. Do I am back to learning and re-learning relaxed breathing and shoulder dropping ( mine are usually up around my ears)

.....It is all of the ' what ifs ' that keep me trapped in the fear that holds the prison key to my clenched thoughts. I am revisiting my CBT training ....and simply being aware of my breathing ...throughout the day not just when I am feeling anxious. Living in the moment sounds so simple...it is so difficult to stay in the moment. .....

....I am not anti medications...but I do think we over use them for the smallest things and eacpect to fix ourselves and our lives with the help ( including medical advice...uugghh) through Big Pharma ...well this is devolving into a political rant

.....so good to see you Nova......coop

 

Coop, many interesting points.

 

I agree that we  ( the world, society) have come to the point where any response to events warrants a medication.

 

Not everything is a sickness and many things have non medical solutions as we have all discovered the hard way !

I have been working on my sleep issues in these months and this will stay with me when I heal. But the list of  solutions I have had to find is long as with all buddies.

 

The brain is the star here. A couple of days ago I was feeling really bad physically but later  there was a mental shift, I felt emotionally better and bum ! everything was easier ! I still had palps, vibrations but because my brain was better, I could take it, I was not scared.

 

If we had that all the time, well wd would be so much easier. But that is wishful dreaming, our brains are sick so it is logical that our emotions are on a roller coaster  even if our rational side knows better.

 

Garton age is not a key factor, I am seeing much younger people with the  same doubts that you have.

 

[[Gr...]]

green.. at what point did you start getting your brain back??? ( that sounds funny) i still don't really, sometimes i can almost feel it and i still have no emotions.. only cry of course..

 

Sussie,

 

as soon as I stopped the medication, after acute, 2-3 months out, I started getting very short windows of clarity, where I got a glimpse of my old self.  I felt the fog lift recently, at around the last week of the ninth month.  which is a gift I think.  because I can cope like an adult with my s/x.  I was in a panic before.  Don't worry.  It really does get better.

[[Gr...]]

HI everyone... look we are all going to make it... The average time is 14 month. These symptoms really do suck -- point blank. They suck. Now with that in mind I think that we have to understand that we are in waves and our thinking is going to be negative. For me I have spent months in more windows than waves and then all the sudden this wave hits of 4 months. Is it true that big healing comes after a major wave? Is it? Please... make it so. I want to shed light on my "reinstatement" comment... I was so feeling bad that I fantasied but that is a fantasy that I will never want to come true.. anything for hope the mind says....

 

Today I saw a post of someone that is I think 16 months out and sounding like he is going to quit... It's on the main post w/d thread... I do not think that this is a wise decision but the point is he is spending time on the protracted sight and getting negative feedback loop. I think we all need to focus on the positives which is what happiness by in large if we wait. I like that Coop suggested a link to a success story.

 

Now here is the kicker for me... maybe some of you may be able to help. I know that the only reason that I am in a wave is that I am going through a very stressful outside event ...an event that if anyone was to go through it that is "normal" he or she would be stressed. So here I am thinking that this outside event is gong to keep me in a wave until it is concluded on 3 months and that just frightens me. What do I do... there is nothing I can do to change the event.

 

Life

 

Life, I'm sorry you're not out of this wave yet.  I was thinking of you, thinking that maybe you're like Healing Hope.  Remember how she turned a corner at around 7-8 months, after bad insomnia and anxiety?  Then she was doing very well.  Then she had that real life stressor, with losing her house?  Remember how that put her into a wave that lasted for quite a while?  And she was so disappointed and shocked that after doing so well, she was in a bad wave again.  I think that's what happened to you, with the lawsuit and the other tragic event.  We're like that four legged stool, even when we think we're better, have all four legs on the ground, the glue is not yet cured and a weight even a little too heavy will bring us down.  I think this makes sense.  HH got better, and so will you.  Go back to basics.

 

Sue

[[Gr...]]

Ahhh, Lisa, I'm sorry you're suffering so much back and fourth.

I can tell you what my wave felt like. My brain locked up, acute symptoms, the feeling of never going to heal, for days.Nausea, dizziness, head pain, nerve pain in hips, legs, and butt. The usual depression and intrusive thoughts that go along with every wave.

When I come out of a wave now, I am able to recognize it is withdrawal, I'm not dying. I still suffer greatly out of a wave, it's just easier to manage as time passes.It's hard to explain but as more time passes you will know exactly what I'm talking about.

As the mind heals so do the physical symptoms.

I also lost a lot of weight and I have just recently put on seven pounds, that means my nervous system is calming down. Yes, I want sugar everyday, still can't have it, a bite of ice cream or frozen yogurt here and there.

We will all heal!!!!  Hugs.

 

Beulah, that's exactly where I'm at.  I even have a lot of the physical discomfort not in a wave.  But I'm grateful that it's "easier to mange," I guess you know what I mean.  Do you also get the very tired feeling?  lack of motivation to do much?  Is that common and does it pass?